This is ABUSE

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Is telling someone who they can and can’t see abuse?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Zoe's story
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?

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Results: 1 - 15 of 170

  • 10/06/2015

    Laura
    My boyfriend forced himself onto me last night, I pretended to enjoy it but it was horrible and be hurt me. This is the first time it's ever happened although he said he knew I didn't fee up to it and apologised, I can't look at him the same. His sensed it ever since and now he keeps calling me saying his worried about me, but I can't even talk to him :( I don't know what to do

    Reply

    10/06/2015

    • Hi Laura, thanks for getting in touch. I’m really sorry to hear what’s happened. I would really encourage you to talk to someone about what happened, you can call rape crisis on their helpline, 0808 802 9999 (7 days a week between 12pm – 2:30pm and 7pm – 9:30pm) they have trained advisors who can talk through what happened with you and provide you with help and support. I really hope you give them a call and talk to someone.
      Kerry
      This is Abuse

      This Is Abuse team - 12/06/2015

  • 10/06/2015

    L
    My boyfriend and I have been in a very rocky relationship for over 18 months. A lot has gone on and we argue constantly. I know that he is controlling but on a couple of occasions I've seen it come out as forceful behaviour in the bedroom. Once we were arguing in bed and I was crying my eyes out as he had told me I was nothing to him, he then put his hand on my breast and wouldn't move it, I tried to pull it away but he just said 'you got them for me anyway' (I had a beast augmentation last year as his actions made me feel so low). He then moved his hand into my pyjamas and again I couldn't move it away as he is much stronger than I am, when repeatedly asking him to move it and saying no whilst trying to pull it away he just said 'why not, you like it' and things like that. After that whilst I was now in hysterics and sobbing he climbed on top of my chest, restraining my arms with his legs in the process, and started pleasuring himself in my face, all I could do was turn my head and beg him to stop as I was completely overpowered. On another occasion we had argued in a pub after work, so I walked out and left him there, after walking up the road or short bit he appeared out of nowhere and grabbed me from behind forcing his hand up my dress and again telling me that I like it even though by this point I was crying so much I was beginning to hyperventilate. I don't know what to do and if I am just overreacting, I just feel like his behaviour towards me shouldn't be acceptable but I'm still stupid enough to go back to him even though he puts me through so much horrible stuff.

    Reply

    10/06/2015

    • Hi L, thanks for getting in touch. I’m really sorry to hear what’s been happening in your relationship. Please understand that your boyfriends behaviour is abusive and if you are being forced or pressured into any sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with that is totally unacceptable, and no one should be putting you in that position. I would really encourage you to talk to someone about what’s happening. You can call the national freephone domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247, they have trained advisors who can give you help, support and advice on what is happening in your relationship. Please understand what’s happening is not your fault and you are not to blame, I really hope you speak to someone as no one deserves to be treated like this.
      Kerry
      This is Abuse

      This Is Abuse team - 12/06/2015

  • 13/05/2015

    Amanda
    Hi,
    When I and my partner argue and it gets too much for me, I like to walk away from him and calm down and then try to resolve the situation after I have my head cleared.
    But he stops me from leaving a room by placing his body in front of me or pulling me back into the room.
    He has even called my mother to attempt to talk sense to me?
    Is this a form of control or abuse and if so whats the best way to go about this?
    I had enough of him calling my mother and holding me in the room so I called his cousins to pick him up once recently to show him how it feels and then he packed everything, left our flat and broke up with me.
    I didn't want that to happen and eventually we resolved our differences but he has gone back to holding me in one room and not letting me calm down to gather my thoughts.
    please can someone help?

    Reply

    13/05/2015

    • Hi Amanda, thanks for getting in touch. I’m really sorry to hear what’s happening. When you are in a relationship with someone, you should feel loved, safe, respected and free to be yourself. In a healthy relationship both partners treat each other with respect and it is normal to argue sometimes, however, both people should feel able to express their views and that they will be respected by the other person. It sounds like your boyfriend isn’t letting you do this and controlling someone, either physically or mentally, can be a form of abuse. There is more information on the website about the signs of an abusive relationship here
      http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/spot-the-signs
      There are also organisations which can help you, and I would encourage you to speak to someone about what’s happening. You can call the national freephone domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247, they will be able to give you advice and support to help you with your relationship.
      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 14/05/2015

  • 07/05/2015

    Betty
    Hi I'm 26 and have no one to speak to I've been looking on the net for a little while now for some help or suggestions to what happened to me as I'm so confused about it all and don't really no well I will tell use what happened I have been seeing my boyfriend for a few month everything was great a little bit controlling but I could deal with that at first he started picking what i had to ware and dressing me in what he liked he would twist things I said and try and turn them around on me but anyway away from that just now a few weeks ago we were on a night out were he is from and was staying with his family but anyways he got really drunk I only had few drinks as he spent all the money he started a argument with me and told me to go home he new I couldn't as I was miles away and he said he was going to get someone else so I said I was going to phone a family member to try and get home he then took in a bad way and he said if you don't stop what you are doing I'm going to do something so he ended up arguing with another man and got hit witch ended him in hospital were I went with him and he told me it was all my fault I made him do it so he got patched up and we left the hospital were he told me still to go home I had no way of getting home and by this time my phone had ran out of charge we went back to his family's home were we were to stay he made something to eat and he told me he was sorry and that he loves me I was still in a bit of a shock how he had turned on me so I just nodded my head and agreed then he started kissing me then putting his hands down my trousers I said no and pushed him away he held my down and pulled me around I told him no repeatedly he pulled my hair and told me that I like it and not to lie I'm not going to go in to to much detail but I bite down on the covers with the pain from it and tears come down my face I was shaking and asked him to stop again he didn't then he finished and said cuddle in everything will be ok then he asked me if I thought everything will be ok I didn't look at him I just turned and pretended to sleep the next day he got up as if nothing had happened we left and went home we were suppose to be moving in together but I still couldn't shake what had happened or what even was it what happened he is my boyfriend after all but next day we went shopping for things and he started his mind games with me saying thing so he left for work as he was a way and constantly texting me we ended up in a argument over txt and I ended the relationship he constant txt me saying he was going to harm his self and that he loves me and that but I new something wasn't right something inside was telling me that night was wrong I still can feel him breathing down my back and his touch gives me the shivers just thinking about it all I've not seen him since we split but he was still phoning and texting a lot I got him on the phone and asked what he did to me at his family's house to see if he remembers anything because he was really drunk and he said don't try and say that and that any other time I say no I still let him do it (witch is a lie)and his family member seen us cuddling the next day so no one will believe me so I no deep down if he nos what he done to me was wrong and I no something wrong did happen to me that night and I'm not just imagining it but I have no one to speak to about this and I don't even no if it is something as he was my boyfriend wen this happened would be much appreciated if someone would get back to me thanks

    Reply

    07/05/2015

    • Hi Betty, thanks for getting in touch. I am really sorry to hear what’s happened to you. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and you are not to blame for your ex-boyfriends actions. Your ex’s behaviour towards you was abusive, and controlling behaviours such as telling you what to wear and what to do, are abusive behaviours as well. Some people also threaten self-harm as a way of controlling their partner or ex-partner. Also, it doesn’t matter whether you are in a relationship with a person or not, no one has the right to force you to have sex, and forcing someone to have sex when they don’t want to is rape. Even though you have now left the relationship, I would still really encourage you to speak to someone about what’s happened. There are organisations which can help you talk through what happened and provide you with support and advice. You can contact the national freephone Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 which is available 24 hours a day, or you could call the freephone rape crisis helpline on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2:30pm and 7pm – 9:30pm. They are a charity that talks to women everyday who been through similar experiences and can offer you confidential advice and support on what’s happened. I really hope you get in touch with one of the organisations I have mentioned as they will be able to help you.

      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 07/05/2015

  • 10/04/2015

    R
    Hi I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 18, he is very caring and we love eachother a lot and spend every day together whether it's going to the park, shopping, doctors, taking out his gran, going out with his family. Recently (twice) I told him I didn't want to have sex but he would kiss me and try to get me to want it, I told him to stop but he made me, I then either somehow said yes or I would feel bad and let him, during the intercourse I would try and stop him but he wouldn't or say 5 more minutes, until I got up crying he stopped. He would say sorry and begin to get sad but 5 minutes later he would touch me. I know it's my fault for actuly ending up saying yes but I don't know What to do and I've told him, he says he will change but it's gotten more frequent and I'm afraid to be alone with him as he has slapped me before

    Reply

    10/04/2015

    • Hi, thanks for getting in touch, I’m really sorry to hear about what’s happened. If you are being forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in any sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable. Even if you are in a relationship with that person, no one should be forcing you to do this. Please understand that what’s happened is not your fault, and you are not to blame for your boyfriend’s actions. I would really encourage you to speak to someone about what’s happening – you can call Childline on 0800 1111, they will listen and give you advice. Or you can visit their website www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email or text or chat to a counsellor online if you prefer. I really hope you access some help, nobody deserves to be treated like this.

      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 10/04/2015

  • Sian

    16/03/2015

    Hi.. I recently had a few drinks with my mates boyfriend (with her permission) and later she started kicking off causing us of stuff even tho iv proved diffrent any way he comes round to me as he don't know any one eles but then leaves but knocks on again at 5 am I couldn't leave him on street and he told me was over and I was there for him as a mate as like I would her I gave him a hug and he kept trying to touch me and sometimes managed to even tho I kept telling him no we can't I couldn't do that to my mate or my boyfriend but after Afew more attempts he got the hint and left... Now I don't know what to do I feel really used as I was just wanting to be there for a mate going through a rough time I'v recently blocked all contact of him and her but now I don't know what to do or if was classes as everything cuz he left before went to anything eles

    Reply

    Sian - 16/03/2015

    • Hi Sian,

      Thanks for coming to share your experiences. It sounds like you were in a difficult position. Although it doesn't sound like any abuse has taken place.

      It can be really difficult when you feel stuck between a friend and their ex-partner. It sounds like you might need some help talking through what has happened. It might be helpful for you to speak with someone around what has happened. It might be helpful to contact the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90, they may be able to offer you some support.

      Take care,
      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/03/2015

  • Milly

    14/03/2015

    I am with my boyfriend of 3 months now . Started off really great , opened car door for me . Very sweet and kind . Then I atared to se signs of jealousy and insecurities . He basically accuses me of cheating but blames it on his head playing with him and he says he knows I am a good girl . He got really angry when he wanted to be intimate and I didn't so he said he felt rejected which was not the case I just wasn't in the mood . When he gets angry I can't help but be wary of how he will react towards me . He got angry as I accidently hit him with my iPhone , the metal but by mistake off cause and he got so angry he pushed me and put his arm on my troat as he felt I wasnt listening . He had before which he said he wouldn't put his hands on me . Like I said he is a wonderful guy very protective of me maybe. He says he is addicted to me all the time and that he loves me very much and the reason he behaves this way is because he loves me but sometimes I find my self questioning what kind of love this is when I cannot predict what he will do to me when he ges angry and he can get angry over little things ... Please help as I am currently ignoring him as it is starting to get to me as I always told myself I would not want any man putting there hands on me because I seen it happen to my mum .

    Reply

    Milly - 14/03/2015

    • Hi Milly,

      Thanks for coming forward to talk about your experiences. It must be really tough for you.

      I'm glad you've taken some space away from him, it sounds like it is giving you some time to think about what is happening.

      He is the only person that can control his behaviour, and the way he is behaving towards you is not ok. He can access support around his jealousy, and www.respectphoneline.org.uk have a great resource on managing jealousy. But I am worried that he put his arm on your throat, this is really dangerous and it wouldn't have taken much pressure for him to stop you breathing.

      I understand that things seemed great in the beginning but for things to get this bad in the space of three months is worrying. Have you thought about talking to a professional about it? What you are experiencing is domestic abuse and there will be services in your area that can offer you support.

      I think you are very aware that something is wrong, but you also need to know that you can't make him change, he has to decided he wants to change.

      In the meantime it might be helpful for you to contact the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 to find out a bit more about what is available in your area. It might also be helpful to have a read through the Women's Aid website, www.womensaid.org.uk.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 27/03/2015

  • K

    13/02/2015

    I've recently been seeing this guy but nothing serious. I've told him that I'm not ready to have sex with him but he keeps getting dangerously close. I've even had to devise a 'safe word' because he wasn't listening when I said no and now he has stopped listening for the safe word too. The first time he stayed over, I woke up with some of my clothing removed but we just joked it off. However this morning I woke up to him touching me whilst he thought I was still asleep and I really don't know what to do, I feel really uncomfortable but I can't bring it up :s

    Reply

    K - 13/02/2015

    • Hi K

      I am really glad you got in touch.

      It is not ok for him to not be listening to you. To have to have come up with a safe word is really serious, especially if he is now ignoring that.

      Removing your clothes and touching you when you are asleep is sexual assault and very serious.
      Here is some more info about sexual assault and consent:
      http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assault

      Is there anyone else you can talk to about this? It seems like you have tried to tell him you don't want to do things, but he is ignoring this and I worry that he may eventually force you to have sex. Only you can decide if you want to continue seeing him, but I can't see him changing at the moment as he is clearly not listening to you.

      You deserve to be respected and safe in a relationship and if you are not feeling like this, then you need to decide what to do and also get the support you need.
      This is a really great organisation that can give you advice:
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

      And here is some more useful info:
      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/consentandconsequences/

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 02/03/2015

  • Emily

    02/02/2015

    I have been with my partner since for almost 3 years now. He has always cheated on me throughout the whole time we have been together I have always taken him back. He has been on dating websites, planned to meet women for sex, called sex phone lines and has even planned to become a male escort behind my back. He has always lied to me about these things until I took it upon myself to find them out by going on his emails. I confront him about it and he promises he will change it will never happen again etc. at one point in the relationship he promised me a baby, we planned it all out and then when I got pregnant be made me get an abortion. He has made me get 2 abortions in our relationship. It has broken my heart. I cannot live with myself because of it, I have nightmares about it and I hate myself. Recently my partner has been getting more and more physically abusive. He has always been quite verbal, calling me a slag or a skank, making me feel like I'm not good enough to be with him. I suffer with severe migraines and I have to sleep them off to feel better so I was in bed yesterday morning and it got to about 12 o clock and my partner came into the bedroom and told me that his clothes needed washing for him to take yo work with him today and the house needed cleaning. I asked him if he wouldn't mind putting his clothes in the washing machine as I didn't feel very well and I would tidy the house up in a little while when I'm feeling a bit better. He started going off his head at me, shouting, pulling the blanket off me, calling me a lazy bitch etc he says that he works 60 hours a week to give me this life and the least I can do is clean up. I clean up everyday, even ehen I'm not feeling well I still do it but I was just in so much pain yesterday I couldn't do it. I started crying because he was being so abusive and he was on top of me on the bed shouting at me saying that if I don't like it then I should leave him (he says that to me atleast once a day) I said to him every time I have tried to leave in the past he stops me so then he punched me in the side of my head and spat in my face. I Got a massive lump on my head straight away and it bruised up. He grabbed my phone off me straight away after that and wouldn't give it back to me until I had calmed down. To stop him being more mean to me I just got out of bed after calming down and started doing the washing. He stopped me and started to argue more with me but I just agreed with him and apologised saying I can see that I was being unreasonable and he said I'm mental if I think that he is in the wrong although he apologised for hitting me and spitting on me. He went out all day and I just slept all day when I woke up he came back and he was all over me saying how much he loved me and was kissing me and saying how sorry he was. When we went to bed he even tried having sex with me but I said I was too tired. I felt sick by him. How could somebody treat someone they claim to love like that? I needed to post on here for reassurance because he makes me feel like nobody thinks I'm right but surely I am right in saying he was wrong by what happened? I am so hurt right now every time I think of it I feel tears trickling down my face. It's distracting me at work, it's horrible. Then he will have ago at me for being upset still saying I play the victim all of the time. Please tell me, am I in the wrong here ? Did I really deserve that? I don't know whats right anymore. I just need somebody to talk to.

    Reply

    Emily - 02/02/2015

    • Hi Emily

      I am so very sorry to hear about the awful abuse you are experiencing. You have been through so much and are being so brave.

      None of this is your fault, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. It is very common for abusers to blame the person they are hurting so they don't have to take responsibility themselves. However, this is not true and is another form of abuse in itself. You did not deserve any of this.

      I am really concerned about the level of physical and emotional abuse and control. The most important thing is your safety and well-being.

      Does anyone else know what has been happening? Can you tell anyone at work? It is good that you have that space away from him as you can safely contact people for help.
      I think the best thing to do is to call the national domestic violence helplne - they are open 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247.
      You can also call the police anytime and they will have a duty of care to investigate and protect you. They can tell you about injunctions and other orders that you can get to keep him away from you.

      I think it will help you if you can tell people about what is happening - people at work, family, friends, doctor - anyone you trust. You do not need to cope with this alone.

      Here are some safety tips as well: http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      The helpline can also tell you about refuges - these are safe houses where you can stay and he won't be able to find you. It's just one of the options open to you to think about.

      It's so good that you have reached out for support, now you have the info you need to get the support and help that you need to stay safe and free from abuse,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/02/2015

  • Em

    11/01/2015

    I've been married 6 yrs my husband does love me... but twice he has spat in my face. .. he's cheated and says vile things when we argue but after always says I should just ignore him nothings meant by it... anyways recently I had enough of his jealous ways (over my female best friend) I ended it but now he insists he's changed all in space 2 weeks.. I just can't bring myself to let him get his feet under the table again

    Reply

    Em - 11/01/2015

    • Hi Em
      Thanks for your message. I am sorry to hear about how difficult things have been. Spitting in your face, and saying horrible things are not ok and are both forms of abusive behaviour. And I can understand how awful it is when someone cheats on you.

      I think you have been really strong by ending the relationship and it sounds like the best thing for your wellbeing and safety. It is quite common for people to say they have changed in order to get someone to come back to them, and for the first few weeks maybe it would seem better but the worry is they will start to return to their previous abusive behaviour. Only you truly know what he has been like and if you think this change is possible, but it sounds to me like you have done the right thing.

      I think you need your space and in time if he has changed and really takes responsibility for his behavaiour and the impacts it has on you, then maybe things can be different but right now I think you are doing the right thing. I hope you have got people around you to support you? Try to talk to people and tell them what has been happening. You could also get a referral to counselling from your GP if you feel that would help.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2015

  • Anonymous

    04/11/2014

    i have just got back with my boyfriend a few months ago after leaving him for physically abusing me. i had left him for 2 and a half years and decided to get back with him because he said he had changed. ever since we have gotten back hes hit me twice again leavin me with bruises. he has strangled me. called me names and slalpped me. he has taken on anger management counselling but then left he admits hes gt anger issues and a short fuse and takes full blame. im really confused and upset because we have had good times but surely he cant love me if hes making me feel like this.. hes told me mulitple times that im not allowed to leave him what should i do?

    Reply

    Anonymous - 04/11/2014

    • Hi there

      We’re really sorry to hear you have been suffering physical abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour.

      It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s been happening in your relationship. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
      If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

      You can also hear from a survivor of domestic violence here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7a8fsrPEaYQ&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=3&feature=plcp

      We hope this helps

      Take care
      The This is Abuse Team

      This Is Abuse team 05/11/2014

  • Katie

    07/06/2014

    I have been with my boyfriend nearly 7 months, he's 20&I'm 16 (nearly 17) when we argue he'll grab me, he's never actually hit me but he's dragged me by my hair,spat at me,grabbed me & sat on top of me. I can't tell anyone because stuff that's happened in the past between him & my family. He also accuses me of speaking to lads, constantly checking my phone,always on my facebook & doesn't trust me in the siltiest I've never ever cheated or messaged anyone so I don't understand why he's like that? Even when I take my little cousin out he'll say 'what lads was there' 'who did you speak to' it's really starting to bother me. He says he loves me & he wouldn't be anyone without me & that he needs me?? I just don't know what to do because I do love him & don't want to leave him but I don't know if he should do this or not?..

    Reply

    Katie - 07/06/2014

    • Hi Katie

      Thanks for your message. We are really sorry to hear about what you have been going through.

      We are sorry to hear you have been suffering abuse in your relationship. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth.

      Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour. Emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.

      Staying in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused could cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence. An abusive, violent
      or controlling relationship is not normal or acceptable; nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour and if the bullying is making you worried you need to speak to a trusted adult.

      It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s been happening in your relationship. It could be a teacher, a
      relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't
      want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.

      As you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can
      contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      We hope that this helps, and that you get the support you need and deserve.

      Take care,
      The This Is Abuse Team

      This Is Abuse team 10/06/2014

  • leah

    27/05/2014

    me and my boyfriend have been in abusive relationship and I'm getting to the point where i feel like its happening again. He says he love me even though he's cheated on me twice..he says that i look horrible at parties and why i can't i dress up like other girls?. He also used to get his friends to call me names. im getting to the point were i feel useless but its hard because sometimes hes really loving and caring i need some advice what to do? i wanna brake up with him but whats the easy way to say it?

    Reply

    leah - 27/05/2014

    • Hi Leah

      Thanks for posting; we're so sorry to hear what you're going through.

      Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of emotional type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.

      We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      It can be very hard to leave an abusive relationship - no matter what kind. It’s also very important to leave the relationship safely. There are many reasons why people don't feel they can leave. Fear is a huge one, also uncertainty about what to do/who can help. If you are still with this person or in contact with them, we would urge you to think about completing a safety plan like this: http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/47-keeping-safe-in-an-unhealthy-relationship.html

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk in confidence about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

      We hope that this helps and that you're able to get the support you need.

      Take care,
      The This Is Abuse Team

      This Is Abuse team 29/05/2014

  • jhon

    15/05/2014

    me and my girlfriend are always arguing, but she always buts the blame on me and uses my past against me, i know i have done some bad things and i admit to them but she does not realise what she has done, all my friend and family say get out but i cant i cant do it, i have been throu a lot of pain in my life, i cant do it, im beginning to think i deserve everything she does to me, controlling me and and cheating on me

    Reply

    jhon - 15/05/2014

    • Hi Jhon

      Thanks for your post, we're really sorry to hear what you've been going through.

      We’re sorry to hear you’ve been suffering abuse in your relationship. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.

      A lot of people who have experienced abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around. Just because the abuse went on for a long time, does not mean you were complicit in this. Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

      Staying in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused could cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence. An abusive, violent or controlling relationship is not normal or acceptable; nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour.

      Talking about what's happening is really important and you can get help. You can speak in confidence by calling the helpline for males experiencing domestic abuse. Call freephone 0808 801 0327, email info@mensadviceline.org.uk or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk

      We hope this helps and that you get the support you need and deserve.

      Take care,

      This Is Abuse team 15/05/2014

  • Melissa

    04/04/2014

    My boyfriend and me have been in a abusive relationship and sometimes it would get out of hand and he would grab a belt and hit me with it or he'll force himself on to me and rape me without me saying yes or no. He doesn't even allow me to wear skirts anymore neither long or short. I can't even go out with my friends anymore. It's like I am the only one experiencing this and that I deserve all this. I don't know what to do. What should I do?

    Reply

    Melissa - 04/04/2014

    • Thank you for your message. It’s brave of you to share what is happening in your relationship here. I can hear how frightening the situation you are in is and how much you need a bit of support at this time.
      The things you describe in your message are very concerning. Your boyfriend is being very violent and raping you, as well as being controlling. All the things you have written he does are serious crimes. You have done nothing to deserve the way you are being treated. There is support out there for you to access.

      Are you able to talk about what is happening with anyone in your life, family, friends or a trusted adult? What is happening to you is not ok and you should not be treated in this way. You deserve to be treated with love and respect by a partner. If you don’t feel you can talk about this with anyone you know you can call Rape Crisis, they work with women and girls who have experienced sexual violence and are open 12-2.30 & 7-9.30 every day. You can reach them on 0808 802 9999. You may also want to call the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. The more support you have the easier it will be for you to decide what to do next. It sounds like you are in danger at the moment. You can also call 999 if you are being hurt, or frightened you are about to be hurt. What your boyfriend is doing is illegal.

      We also have a live chat from 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk more about this with one of the team.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 04/04/2014

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