Bedroom
Is telling someone who they can and can’t see abuse?
Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?
Is telling someone who they can and can’t see abuse?
Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?
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Anonymous
01/12/2012
The bedroom video with the rape at a party is what happened to me. It was easily the worst thing I have ever experienced, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. What's worse is that it was someone I knew, who I had to see every day at school for the past year. For anyone in a situation that may lead to that, or one that would make you feel you have to because people may call you frigid, walk away. If you can't walk away or it is too late- report them. I would give anything to turn back time and forget that it ever happened. It is not your fault, I just wish I had the guts to report the man that has been hailed a 'lad' and 'hero'. xx
ReplyAnonymous - 01/12/2012
megan
01/12/2012
i have been talking to a guy who seems really nice he wants to do stuff not sex but other stuff. ive never done them things before. i want to but im scared what do i do
Replymegan - 01/12/2012
Hi Megan
Being forced or pressured to take part in any sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable.
If you are being put under pressure to take part in any sexual activities that you're not comfortable with, try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
This Is Abuse team - 02/12/2012
14/09/2012
14/09/2012
Hello,
Thank you for telling us your story, I am sorry to hear what you went through. You have shown real strength to remove yourself from the harmful situation you were in.
Staying in a relationship where you are being physically and emotionally abused can cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence. An abusive, violent or controlling relationship is not normal or acceptable; nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour and you have demonstrated that you can find the courage and strength to move on. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Jimmy Rustles
17/07/2012
Why do wimmin think only men can be abusive?
ReplyJimmy Rustles - 17/07/2012
Hi Jimmy,
Thank you for your email.
We get a lot of comments from women that recognise that women can be abusive and that men can suffer from abuse in relationships too.
If this is something you are experiencing try and find someone you trust to talk to. It can be hard to feel you can open up about the abuse, but please try to speak to someone that you trust and feel comfortable with.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
Male victims of abuse of all ages can get help and support from the Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327 or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk email: info@mensadviceline.org.uk
A video which may help you is this one produced by Dudley Safe and Sound partnership, which shows a male victim of relationship abuse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU
louise
10/07/2012
i have losts of mates who do it with her friends and i have a man who am scared off cuz i might get raped one day.. what shall i do..
Replylouise - 10/07/2012
Dear Louise,
If you are suffering from emotional or physical abuse (which can include someone putting you down, or calling you nasty names, trying to control you and stopping you doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do) or you are scared of a individual, try and find someone you trust to talk to.
This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and you feel you can trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
Louise
01/07/2012
A lot of my friends have boyfriends and have 'done it' because they wanted to, I am 16 (so are my friends) and I have been asked out a lot but said no because Im scared of being raped, what should I do?
ReplyLouise - 01/07/2012
Hi Louise
Sexual relationships come with risks so it's right to wait until you feel ready. Remember, you always have the right to withhold consent. If the person you’re with cares for you they will understand if you say you want to wait.
Has anyone else who’s been in a similar situation have any advice for Louise?
Nancy
26/06/2012
My boyfriend is lovely. But he gets angry if things don't always go his way... if I don't text back he sends constant reminders always asking what I'm up to. I have confronted him about it but he doesn't think it's wrong.
ReplyHe gets easily jealous and often accuses me of cheating which is ridiculous, and causes arguments over small things, especially when he's had a drink, sometimes getting violent but has never hit me or directed it specifically at me, but he is getting better at not doing that.
He insists that we spend as much time as possible together (throwing almost a strop if I can't or have the occasional other plan) and for a long while, at the start of our relationship, I was fine with it, spending all my time with him.
But now I want to see my friends sometimes over him and go out, but he's not happy with it, saying it means he doesn't mean anything to me and that I just care about friends, and that he would never choose anyone over me and that he doesn't see why I want friends... He is very sensitive and sometimes it feels like I am treading on egg shells in order not to offend him or scared he'll over react and take something the wrong way, always guilt tripping me into picking him and not going out, he says he doesn't want me going out by myself without him either, and I do want him there a lot of the time, I just want friends too.
If I go on my phone he'll always ask who I'm texting although half the time I'm just checking the time.
The other day when my sister was having a party at our house and he wanted me to just go to bed when he had to leave even though some of my friends were still there. He wasn't happy that there were boys there, saying that I'd cheat on him. He says he does it to protect himself so that if he was right, he can say he was "prepared" for it. He says he trusts me and loves and cares for me, and he really does, at least the love and care but how can he when he accuses me of things like that and stops me from seeing friends if it's true? I've been with him for a year and a half. He says I'm changing... But I've just been standing up for what I want a bit more... I keep hoping it'll change and relax a bit without all this drama and tension, I do love him but don't know how much more I can take.
Nancy - 26/06/2012
Abi
30/04/2012
I was 15 at the time, i was at my best friends party and she invited her boyfriend. We were all having a drink and doing drunk dares and all that. me and my friends (girls) didnt drink because we were to young. There were 5 bedrooms in the house, 4 were full... of drunk boys and screaming, distraught girls. i was sat on the stairs, plugging my ears when i see my best friend being dragged into her room by her very, very drunk boyfriend, she slapped him and he flung her onto the bed an slammed the door, i banged on the door as hard as i could untill i got light headed and i passed out, i woke up sharply, on the sofa...with a boy undoing my pants, he kissed and said "hey baby, wanna get tough" i screamed and punched him, he undid my pants quicker and we had sex there and then, i was crying and called the police. me and my best friend never spoke of what happened untill right now. We heard that a few of the boys got into trouble, but her now ex boyfriend slid through, and moved away from the uk. We didn't want anybody to know, because we were so violated.
ReplyAbi - 30/04/2012
Shawna
27/04/2012
I have been Married 4 12 years, if my husband wants sex he expects me to have it weather I want it or not if I say no he will keep me up all night arguing and wont leave me alone, I feel I do not have any say so about my body anymore
ReplyShawna - 27/04/2012
A couple of years ago, after a party, I offered a married man that he could sleep in my room, because he said otherwise he would drive home, and I knew that he had been drinking a lot. I tried to stop him from drink driving. When we were in my room, he started coming on to me. I turned him down very resolutely and said "I'm going to sleep now". I was absolutely knackered and fell asleep fully dressed.
Later, I woke up because in my sleep I was fighting, and I found myself struggling in real life too. He had undressed himself and rolled my trousers down to my knees (my upper body was still dressed), and was trying to have sex with me. He said "oh come on, I've already been inside you."
In such a short time span, he ruined my life.
Yet he didn't even seem to understand what he'd done wrong. When he realized how upset I was, he wanted to TALK about it.
I reported it to the police. His wife supported him all throughout the process, and she tried to contact me in a rather aggressive way several times.
I think that the only way a man can become that evil, is when his wife condones it that he takes advantage of her body when she is unconscious, when someone gives him the message that he doesn't need consent for sex on a regular basis.
Anonymous - 28/04/2012
CJ
26/04/2012
My and friend and his girlfriend were in a relationship for a while, they had a active sexual life and had done everything but sex, one day the sex finally happened and the girl didn't say no or anything but the boy decided that they two of them weren't ready for it and pulled out quickly. A few days later the girl said she was forced into it (although she was not) and was claiming it was rape, what situation does this leave my friend in and can the girl make accusations like this?
ReplyCJ - 26/04/2012
Hi CJ
Thanks for you post.
It's very hard to comment on what is happening to your friend as I don't have any detail on what happened in this instance.
Most people who have been raped or sexually assaulted tell the truth. In fact most people do not tell anyone that they have been raped because they feel too ashamed and scared.
Estimates suggest around 8-10% of all rape complaints are false, but there is no evidence to suggest there are more false rape allegations than false allegations of other offences.
Jo
26/04/2012
Im 15 and at that age where everyones put under pressure for 'not doing it' etc but reading some of these stories anger me in a way, if a guy does it to you even if you say no its rape? i hope this has opened the eyes of other people like me who need to take action in their answer, not all guys are like this but the ones that are need to be actually taught
ReplyJo - 26/04/2012
laura
25/04/2012
i have just found out my daughter is pregnant, she is only 14 , she was at a party and the boy she had just started going out with was drunk, he by the way is 15 years old, later in the evening my daughter went to the caravan to use the toilet when she came out he was inside standing in front of the door,she said he started to kiss her and pushed her onto the sofa saying come we can do it, she tried to push him off but he held her down and had sex, she said she was telling him no i dont want to but he carried on, she managed to push him off and ran back to her friends, she said itall happened in about 5 minutes, she didnt tell anyone because she said she was scared, she was a virgin and now she is 6weeks pregnant, she has kept this ordeal to herself untill now, i dont think she understands that it wasnt her fault, our family is in pieses at the moment, he has taken her innocece away, i dont know if this is rape.
Replylaura - 25/04/2012
Hi Laura
Thank you for your post, and I'm so sorry to read about what happended to your daughter.
If your daughter did not consent and was pressured or forced to having sex or taking part in sexual activity, then it is rape and it is a crime.
Also the law also says that to consent to sex a person must be over 16 and have the ability to make informed decisions for themselves.
It is important that your daugheter doesn't blame herself. It might be helpful to talk to ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem www.childline.org.uk.
You can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
Anon
24/04/2012
When I was 16 I went out for my friends birthday and got pretty drunk. We went back to another friends house for a party after and me and my friend ended up falling asleep after every1 had left. When I was sleeping, I was woken by this guy who was 21, whose house it was. he brought me to a bedroom and forced me up against the door, he shoved his penis inside my mouth so far I couldn't breath. I was drunk but I no I didn't want this to happen so I said no. He then went on on push me onto the bed and took off my dress and I cried no again but it didn't stop him. He forced himself into my anus and put his hand over my mouth to stop me crying. When he was finished he left me lying there. At first I didn't think it was rape because I was drunk and didn't fight back. That was my first sexual experience and I didn't no what was happening. I blame myself as I was drunk and asleep in his house, I must have been asking for it. It is just so hard now to try and move on without constantly thinking of him on top of me, every time I close my eyes I see it again. I've got hope and strength from the stories below that I can go on and eventually be happy, thanks to all that have shared your stories
ReplyAnon - 24/04/2012
Kayleigh
22/04/2012
When I was 16 my boyfriend used to control my every move and had to know everything I was doing. I wasnt allowed to talk to my friends; he made me believe that they were just using me for when they had a problem. We were together for nearly 2 years. I can say that they were the worst 2 years of my life. He used to hit me but he would always say he was sorry and say that he’ll never do it again and because I loved him, I believed him.
ReplyIf he didnt like what I was wearing he would make sure I knew about it. I wasnt allowed to wear any make-up and I couldn’t talk to any guys or sit near any guys in college. He accused me of cheating several times a day while I was in college. I wasnt allowed to use the internet as he believe that I was on facebook talking to other guys and I could use my msn or Skype as he thought I was on cam to other people, he used to think that I was getting naked for guys online. I was so degrading that anyone could think this about the person they are meant to love.
We went on 2 holidays abroad together, 1 with his family and 1 with mine. He hit me infront of his mum and she turned round and said ‘I deserved it.’ I couldnt believe it.
He would do anything so that we had sex. He would try all sorts of things to get me to agree, He used to blackmail me into sex by telling me ‘that if I loved him I would do it and enjoy it.’ If i refused he would pin me down to the bed and have sex with me or he would wait till I was asleep and have sex with me then. I used to wake up with him on top of me and because he was stronger than I wasn’t able to get him off me.
I’m now 19 and we broke up last August cause I finally realised what had been happening ad that it wasnt a healthy relationship. I am now in another relationship and my new boyfriend knows everything that I went through and he says that he will never do anything like that to me and I believe him. Although I’m still getting over everything that has happen I have support and comfort from him and he understands that a just being there for me means everything.
For everyone that believes that they can’t get out of an abusive relationship, you can and you will feel loads better once you do. All it takes is a little encouragement :)
Kayleigh - 22/04/2012
Lauren
22/04/2012
I was at school at the end of the day and i was in the room by my self with my boyfriend and he we kissed and snogged, he touched my vagina and fingered me. Then he pinned me to the table and hurt me. I asked him to stop and he didn't he then forced in sex and i haven't told anyone until now.
ReplyLauren - 22/04/2012
how did you feel about this? it seems you didnt like the way he treated you considering you havent told anyone and the fact he hurt you, let him know! or gain support from people you trust
Jo - 26/04/2012