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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Bedroom

Is telling someone who they can and can’t see abuse?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Zoe's story
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?

what do you think? share your opinions

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An expert from Young People’s Services – AVA – is reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 60 - 75 of 160

  • Sajeda

    21/01/2013

    I just saw this video
    Me and my boyfriend has had sex but if my bf keeps pressuring me to have sex. what shall i do

    Reply

    Sajeda - 21/01/2013

    • Hi Sajeda,

      Thanks for your post.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable.

      If your boyfriend is putting you under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      This Is Abuse team 25/01/2013

  • Sharron

    21/01/2013

    I was raped 30 years ago by someone I thought I could trust, I have recently reported it but my worry is I left it too late and not enough evidence can be found. So I strongly reccommend no matter how scared you are or think you may not be believed report abuse or rape immediately. The police have been so supportive and understanding, not once have they judged me or questioned me to my reason for waiting so long.

    Reply

    Sharron - 21/01/2013

  • georgia

    19/01/2013

    i got rape last month and i felt like i was alone and i i got depressed i nearly killed myself becaouse i was prenent and i did not know what was going if it wernt for my teacher i would not be here right so if you get tell someone they can help i know what it feels like xx

    Reply

    georgia - 19/01/2013

    • Hi Georgia,

      Thanks for your post.

      We are very sorry to hear about this. We think it is important, that if you are feelng distressed or depressed, you should try to speak to someone other than your teacher if you can.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      You can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      We hope that helps.

      This Is Abuse team 25/01/2013

  • anonymous

    18/01/2013

    Bein aware of this happenin makes me sick.

    This kinda grief happened to me- went out with a guy who i liked after gettin to know him durin high school.

    He was a control freak nd didnt want to talk to me durin school and complained that i never bothered with him.

    After all this he said about seein each other and i was excited as i thought things were over. I wish i didnt go as things spiralled for the worst. He was horrible when in public and shout at me when i spoke.

    After a few months of puttin up with this agro he said his parents wouldnt mind me comin round for tea. My parents were unsure as they knew things werent right but they said i could go if i wanted to.

    When i got to his he gave me a bunch of flowers and a big hug and my parents drove off to go home.

    When he said about eatin in his room i was anxious and wish i didnt go. He spat on my food and demanded that i eat the food. I said no because of him spittin and he threw my plate across the room.

    His parents shouted up that they were goin out with his brother and sister. So we were left in the house on our own and he got really heavy handed. He forced himself on me nd managed to run nd locked myself in the bathrom. I rang my parents to pick me up and lied to them sayin i felt ill. When it was quiet outside i unlocked the door to leave and he barged his way in. My head was smacked against the wall and slapped around the face. He grabbed me into his room and pushed me up against a wall.

    I was thankful that my mobile rang and was allowed to answer it. It was my parents sayin that they were goin to be about 10mins. When i got off the phone he shouted at me as i ruined everythin.

    He apolagised to me a week after this happened.

    He said that his parents were goin to have a BBQ and would i like to come. I didnt answer him straight away but he seemed to have changed so i said yes. My parents dropped me off at his house but there were no cars on the drive so i felt anxious.

    He hugged me and we waved my parents good bye. We were gettin the things ready like the plates and cups when he started to touch me and pushed me against the kitchen side. He turned me around sayin that we should go upstairs and i had a bad feelin about this but i went up with him. I had a text from my best mate and he asked who was i textin so i said a friend. He reacted quite bad to this and accused me off cheatin. He chucked me on the floor and layed on top of me. He started touchin me in ways that didnt feel comfortable and i started to riggle to get away from him. He pulled out a sharp object from his pocket and said that if i didnt stop rigglin i was goin to get hurt.

    We heard people in the house and was his parents after gettin the food for the BBQ. I was that distraught i left the house without sayin goodbye and got a lift from my parents away from his house.

    They started askin questions and made some lame excuse for why i left. I saw him at school and several times he tried to approach me.

    He approached me when eatin lunch with mates and was not showin him any attention. I turned and said things were over and he started shoutin at me. I burst out in tears after he hit me. My friends were shocked and their boyfriends got him and gave him a hiddin. My friends were consolin me and went to the teachers. I told them everythin and arranged doctors appointments which then lead onto councellin.

    I told my parents after the teachers made a meetin to see them and they were horrified to hear what i had put up with. They contacted the cops after callin his parents to let them know what their son had done beihind closed doors. My ex can not be anywhere near me because of what happened.

    After all that in a year and scared as that was my first time boyfreind and experience i was frightened to be anywhere near a guy nd didnt go anywhere near my male friends, cousins, uncles or my grandad and was scared to be anywhere near my dad because of it. Even til this day im surprised im still a virgin but the scars have not gone away.

    Reply

    anonymous - 18/01/2013

    • Hi Anonymous,

      Thanks for your post.

      We are truly sorry to hear about these traumatic incidents from your past. We think it is really important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should still try to speak to someone about this if you can.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is totally unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      There is the belief that being sexually assaulted by a known man is not as traumatic as being assaulted by a stranger. This is most often not the case. People invest a lot of trust into the relationships they form and if this trust is abused, as you have experienced, it can leave them doubting all relationships, past, present and future.

      Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

      If you are feeling depressed please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. There are people who understand, and who can help you deal with the problems you are going through.

      The Samaritans may also be able to help, take a look at their website at http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ or email jo@samaritans.co.uk. You can also call the Samaritans helpline on 08457 909090.

      For confidential advice, information and support, speak to Victim Support - http://www.victimsupport.org.uk/ or call their Supportline on 0845 30 30 900. To hide your number, press 141 before dialing the number. Normal opening hours for the Supportline are: 9am – 9pm Mondays to Fridays, 9am – 7pm weekends and 9am – 5pm bank holidays.

      This Is Abuse team 25/01/2013

  • charlotte

    17/01/2013

    i was sexual abuse a long time a go and plus what i just saw there in the clip

    is so not right is should stop now full stop .

    Reply

    charlotte - 17/01/2013

  • Summer

    08/01/2013

    I think that anyone doing that to anyone else is sick and wrong and should be put in jail for the minimum of 6 years

    Reply

    Summer - 08/01/2013

  • victor

    07/01/2013

    Hi am 26 and my girl freind was 26 but a bit older than me cause I was born August and she was born June we dated and stayed together for 8years but now we broke up the thing is we used to sleep on the same bad and she would sleep naked next to me and at night I would want to have sex with her cause I could see she was naked and that turned me really on cause she would sleep with her legs open or with her named ass touching my pennis I would ask if we could have sex she would refuse so I would try the whole night to try and put it inn she would push me away until finnally she would give up cause I will keep trying until she gives up stoping me and the following morning she would call me rapist when there is an agument she would bring that up calling me a rapist so till this day I feel like a rapist any advice should I be feeling this way what about my feelings

    Reply

    victor - 07/01/2013

    • Hi Victor,

      Thanks for posting on the site.

      To be clear; the campaign is aimed at 13-18 year olds but there are many specialist support services available for adults.

      Firstly, please understand that forcing or pressurizing someone to have sex or take part in sexual activity that they do not feel comfortable with is unacceptable.

      Secondly, the definition of rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.

      To find out more information please visit http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult/the-law

      And if you would like help to change your behaviour, please call the Respect phoneline on 0808 802 4040 or log-on to their website at: http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/phoneline.php

      This Is Abuse team 01/02/2013

  • t

    07/01/2013

    I just want to know is it a really bad crime or a very bad sin that we (ladies/girls/women) have been born as girls so that meb coyld take advantage of us, use us for thier pleasure!

    Carrying such a heavy burden on ur chest for such a long time is not fair ;(

    at times i would want justice in a way that the same thing happens to them n den how will dey feel? n by us leaving it these men are becoming beast like as the gang rape of a 23 year old in delhi india, they used iron rods in her aftr rapung her! Are we actually safe around men??

    Reply

    t - 07/01/2013

  • Payson

    04/01/2013

    Last year, I had this friend when I was 17, he lived around the corner from me and we went to the same college.

    At the time, I had a boyfriend. For about a week the boy who lived around the corner from me used to always text me and ring me asking me to come out.

    One day he text me saying that he was waiting for me at the bottom of my road so I went out to him and he told me to stay out for a couple of hours, so I did. He led me to his house and told me to come in for something to eat so I went inside his house and I asked him if I could use the toilet. I went upstairs to the toilet and when I was coming out he called me from his bedroom

    . I went in to see what he was doing and he said that I can sit down. He then laid down next to me and kept trying to pull me down to where he was. I kept pulling away but then he forced me down and got on top of me. He started putting his hands up my top and down my trousers and I just froze. I didnât know what to do or how to react. He took of his trousers, started to undress me and put on a condom.

    At this point I was really scared and I told him to get off but he ignored me and he carried on. Just before he could do anything I tried to get away by turning around and putting my back to him. This didnât work, he grabbed my waist and forced himself onto me.

    After, he told me that whatever happened inside his room stays inside his room. He then wouldnât let me leave and he kept trying to take pictures of me. I managed to push him out of the way and I left his house.

    The next day he started messaging me again, I ignored all his texts and calls. A few weeks later, I was on the bus to college and some boys who I knew were asking me if I was going out with him or if I had sex with him. I denied it.

    My close boy friend came up to me in college and asked me if I has sex with him. I said no, why is everyone asking me this? He replied, because heâs been telling everyone that you went to his house and had sex on 2 different occasions.

    I was so upset and I didnât want to talk to anyone. I didnât go to college for 2 weeks. It ruined my relationship with my boyfriend and still to this day, people believe the rumours.

    I havenât told anyone because it was so long ago and Iâm scared people will think Iâm lying.

    Reply

    Payson - 04/01/2013

    • Hi Payson,
      Thank you for your post.

      We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 04/01/2013

  • Charlie

    02/01/2013

    I'm 17 years of age, and I have no self confidence from a past relationship.

    I was 14 when I met my (now ex) boyfriend he was 16, he made me go on the pill and would touch me in places, I never used to think anything of it because I thought I loved him.

    He used to constantly put me down saying how I never looked like a girl and how i should wear more tight clothing, yet when I did he called me a tart. Then he raped me one day, his parents was out and we was playing on his game console when he pinned me to his bed, took off my clothes, and raped me, he said I was never allowed to tell anybody, and I never did.

    He used to hit me alot too, and push me around. he once pushed me into a lot of broken glass and I have scars up my arms, the relationship lasted until after my 15th birthday, because I refused to sleep with him (he would make me sleep with him then break up with me etc etc) and now I've had a partner since December of 2010 and i'm constantly scared or won't dress nice, I end up trying on a dress and all my memories come back and I can never wear them.

    But what scares me the most is the person who I'm no longer friends with, is his girlfriend and she won't believe me when I tell her what he is like, she refuses to believe me and says that I'm making it up to get him back, I don't know what to do confidence wise, relationship wise and to make her see sense. please help!

    Reply

    Charlie - 02/01/2013

    • Hi Charlie,
      I know it must be really hard for you but try and talk to his girlfriend whilst he's not there.

      Try and spend a little girl time with her or something she likes doing then maybe show her your scars and tell her your stories that really are true, she might then start to believe you because your not just shouting at her then to believe you and sounds a bit like your trying to get attenetion-even though your not!

      Tell her that he cant be trusted as you have gone through with so much pain. Also if you havent told anyone please do as this will help you to get back to normal, it can be a friend or parent or even a teacher!

      Trust me you will not only help yourself but also other girls-like his girlfriend, so he cant hurt anybody anymore and he will be gone out of your life.

      Finally with the dresses you should try and wear bright vivid colours so that your overwhelmed by the beauty rather then your feelings.

      I hope you recover soon, and she listens to you so you can finally move on!
      L

      Lou - 04/01/2013

    • Hi Charlie, thanks for sharing your story.

      We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. It's understandable that you feel confused and emotionally distressed after what happened to you and you’ve made a positive step in confronting what happened. You are also doing the right thing in telling your ex boyfriend’s new partner about your experience.

      It does not matter if you are in a relationship with someone or if they are a stranger. When someone makes you do something you do not want to do, it means you are not consenting and it is rape. It also does not matter if you start out by saying yes and then change your mind, or if you feel like you have 'given in'. It is also never OK to make someone feel bad if they don't want to have sex as this is a form of emotional abuse.

      Your ex boyfriend’s behaviour was unacceptable and we think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.

      It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Take care.

      Tempero Moderation 03/01/2013

  • Sammy

    30/12/2012

    Dear this is abuse,

    It has come to my attention that most of your videos consists of a young femail being abused by her boyfriend , or a friend who is a boy. This also appleis to your TV adds. Ok yes this is the most commen relation ship in which abuse happens , however , I find it hard to understand why you do not feature same sex partnerships in your adds, Or even a female who takes the role of the abuser. In this day and age , abuse against a man from a woman is seen as a social male weakness. Thus many males do not report abuser from there girlfriends or there partners. To help you further understand my point the example i am going to use is true and happend only a few mounths ago. My friends Jack (Not his real name) Was addmited to A and E with minor burns to his hands because his girlfriend diddnt like the food he had cooked and burnt his hand on the stove. As I said before the larger propotion female are the victim in most rape and abuse cases. However with more attention being placed on the fact that males can be the victom of sexual abuse as well as females , I feel that alot more cases of abuse involving males could be bought to light as the stigma that men are weak if they are abused by there girlfriends would be taken away of reduced. I understand that you are very busy , But i hope you will understand that this is a problem that needs to be addressed. Thank you ,

    Sammy

    Reply

    Sammy - 30/12/2012

    • Hi Sammy,

      Thanks for your feedback.

      We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign and we are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.

      We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp

      With regard to your friend, we hope he was able to gain some support from the unfortunate situation he found himself in.

      Tempero Moderation 30/12/2012

  • Jessica

    28/12/2012

    Dear This Is Abuse

    I know that you have a lot of text that have girl stories about them getting raped. But I am the lucky one, It feels so weriod to write about this.

    I am a 14 year old girl, Starting year 9/10 is cool all the new peple that you will have in your classroom but you will also have new teachers. My school have became and academy and I had a new VMG teacher. He was nice. First he talked to me like to the rest of the group, but then he have started to make me funny names.Ad started to welcome me with ''Hello, beautiful'' or ''Hello, sexy'' I told him to stop because i don't want him to say that. That how things have got on for the next 3 weeks.

    I started to be bad in school lost marks in the tests and all that, he walked in lessons just to look at me, Sometimes he even took me outside 'to talk to me'. Thee fisrt time he have touched me was when I was walking back from school. I have droped a detension letter. Next week, I had to stay beching because I had that stiouped detension . When i was walking towords my house I have seen his car, the car is big and with dark windows. He offered to take me home. I said no, and caried on walking. Then he have got out of the car and pushed me onto a brick wall that was when he started to tuch me up. It was winter and it was really cold no body walked around that time. Then he started to kiss me. i could not push him away from me. That was a horror. If I could not push him of me I decided to scream.

    I was screaming so loud that some one came out of the near house. The teacher ran away. The only thing I said to the person that came out was thank you, while i was running. When I have got home I ran into my room and i did not say a word to anyone untill now.

    thanks was reading.

    Reply

    Jessica - 28/12/2012

    • HI Jessica

      Thanks for getting in touch, we are sorry that you have had a bad experience with omeone in authority.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      Tempero Moderation 29/12/2012

  • Yzzy

    28/12/2012

    This add is victim blaming. Whilst it good to encourage people to stand up for themselves, this version places blame on the victim for the abuse which is wrong.

    Reply

    Yzzy - 28/12/2012

    • Dear Yzzy,

      We don’t think either of these adverts blame the victim for the abuse which is taking place. There are two versions of this advert, one which targets victims of abuse and ends with ‘If you could see yourself, would you see abuse?’.

      This aims to tackle perceptions of behaviour which some might experience and believe to be acceptable and normal, and demonstrate that this is abuse. The other version of this ad targets perpetrators of abuse and ends with ‘If you could see yourself, would you stop yourself?’, challenging these people to change their abusive behaviour.

      Tempero Moderation 07/01/2013

  • Opeyemi

    26/12/2012

    There is a bad stigma on d victim, which hurts a lot..especially if it turn out to be someone close to the victim as in relatives or friends...

    Reply

    Opeyemi - 26/12/2012

  • Rukayya

    24/12/2012

    Abuse have ebcome rampage in our societies now. It might not be rape exactly but physical challenge over our own right and what we want in our own way.

    Reply

    Rukayya - 24/12/2012

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Results: 60 - 75 of 160

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