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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Bedroom

Is telling someone who they can and can’t see abuse?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Zoe's story
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?

what do you think? share your opinions

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Results: 45 - 60 of 159

  • Northernlass

    20/02/2013

    Reading these stories of young women being used and abused like this has reminded me of a time when I was 14 and went through something similar.

    I'm going to write it down now for the first time in my life (I'm now in my late 50s) as a cautionary tale for all you young ladies out there.

    I was very arty and spent a lot of spare time drawing on the local harbour, An older guy - I think he was probably in his early 40s) used to hang around and often waved from a distance. I was brought up to be friendly and this was a small close knit town, so I always waved back,

    Every saturday afternoon he would walk past and comment on my drawings, staying longer each time. I thought he was a really friendly man and was flattered by the attention, I was a plump child and hadn't really had a proper boyfriend before then.

    He started talking about being my boyfriend and asking would I like to have a relationship with him as he was single (imagine my shock when I saw him in town in the coming months with a wife and 3 children).

    One Saturday he suggested we go for a walk, and despite alarm bells ringing I went. It was exciting having a secret boyfriend - he had said not to tell anyone as he we older than me and people might try to break us up. I was swept away with the romance of it all and he was so nice!

    On the walk he steered me into some woods and started to kiss me. I was ok for awhile until he started to push his tongue in my mouth and hold me roughly against a tree. I said stop, I didnt like lit, but he was too fired up by then to stop. The rest is predictable - I was pushed up against a tree and raped.

    I don't remember what happened afterwards although I recall walking back into town and taking up my drawing as if nothing bad had happened.

    In the following weeks he still came and admired my drawings and said he was my secret boyfriend, but no more walks were suggested. I can't even remember how it stopped or fizzled out but it did.

    I of course went on to have same age boyfriends, then a good marriage with children, etc, but have never forgotten that time.

    My message to you is: if it feels wrong it IS wrong. I should have had the courage to stop this man from abusing me and also I should have told someone afterwards. Reasoning tells me that I was just a naive child and he was a very plausible man befriending and grooming me. I never even knew his surname although he told me his first name.

    Reply

    Northernlass - 20/02/2013

  • Anonymous

    13/02/2013

    Something needs to be done, communities need to be aware of whats happening and Greeneyes is about a teacher who assults him schools should be doing more checks on staff Something Should be Done !

    Reply

    Anonymous - 13/02/2013

  • Emily (:

    12/02/2013

    Hi, when i was 14 i was involved in an abusive relationship, its a long story, but basically he was extremely possessive, he made me lose all my friends at school, he forced me to do as he asked, like not talking to other boys just as friends, etc. i managed to get out of that relationship thankfully, and i went out after this relationship with my friends, and i ended up quite drunk, although i didnt realise quite how drunk i was, i got talking to this guy at the pub where i was and he bought me a couple of drink, althogh i did say i didnt want a drink, and next thing i knew i was being walked over to somewhere, i didnt know where i was going, it was all a bit of a blur, i remember him telling me to lay down, and being drunk i wasnt really aware of what was happening, i remember him pulling my leggings off, and then i honestly cant remember the next bit happening, after that i remember walking back to the pub and grabbing one of my closest friends and taking her to the toilets with me, my legs started stinging so i took off my leggings in the toilets to reveal blood stained legs, i later discovered cuts on my back, knees, feet and shoulders, i have always been so ashamed of this, but i wanted to tell somebody, and i think after 3 years, its time, i want to know whether this would be classed as rape or not, because i never said i wanted to, however, from what i remember, i didnt specifically say no either, soi dont really know where i stand, all i know is, this memory will haunt me forever and i am so ashamed

    Reply

    Emily (: - 12/02/2013

    • Hi Emily,

      Thanks for your message. We're so sorry to hear what happened to you.

      You were physically and sexually assaulted, so we think it is really important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can. Please understand that being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a crime and it should be reported. It wasn't your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent this, you should not feel guilty or ashamed.

      Please also understand that drugs and alcohol are never the cause of rape or sexual assault. It is the attacker who is committing the crime not the drugs and/or alcohol. And someone doesn't have to say the word 'no' to withhold their permission, there are lots of ways they might say they don't want to do something or have sex. Click here for more information about consent - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult/consent

      No matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      This Is Abuse team 14/02/2013

  • Anon

    11/02/2013

    When I was about 14 I went to meet a friend of a friend who I got talking to over the internet. He seemed like a really nice genuine guy and a real gentleman. We decided to go for a walk around the local park on a sunday afternoon. I sat down on a bench with him as it was a nice sunny day and we were just chatting. He began to get close to me and started hugging and kissing me, I tried to move away a bit as I had only just met him and I didn't want to do that. We got back up for another walk around, however we walked to a part of the park where there were not many people around and grabbed my hand and lead me into some near bushes and trees. I was really nervous because I thought it was a bit dodgey but I didn't want to make a fuss incase it was nothing. He grabbed me and started kissing me again and touching my boobs. He tried to put his hands down my pants and I said that I didn't want him to, but he carried on and began touching me innapropriately. I then made the excuse that I was on my period thinking that it would stop him but he carried on and said that he didn't care. He then grabbed my hand and made me touch his penis. I kept pulling away and said I didn't want to do it but he kept pulling me back and I felt like I had to do it incase he attacked me as he was getting rather forceful. Afterwards he pushed me downwards and forced me to give him oral sex. He was strangely quiet throughout the whole thing and it didn't seem like he thought what he was doing was anything wrong. Even when I said I didn't want to, he didn't reply, he just carried on which made me even more scared. When it was over I made an excuse that I had to go and walked home really quickly. He kept texting me and calling me repeatedly in the next few days after it but I never replied to him and blocked him on the internet. I never told my mum or my close girl friends because I felt totally embarassed and ashamed of myself. I never spoke about it until I was 18 to my current boyfriend (I'm 20 now). It turned out that this guy was an aquaintence of my boyfriend so I've never told him the full story about what happened because I am ashamed, so I just told him that this person had come on to me once. At the time I blammed myself because I thought I hadn't quite made myself clear enough, but thinking back now I did say that I didn't want to do it and that should of been enough for him to stop. I don't think this incident had left me psychologically damaged but I do get anxious when I am on my own with men who I don't know very well. I mentioned this person to one of my friends once who also knew him, and she was very evasive and told me not to talk about him. I got the impression that he might of done the same thing to her. Although he didn't actually force sex on me I do think what he did to me was sexual assualt. I'm such a strong person now and I wish I was like that back then and maybe it wouldn't of happened. I wish I could of told my mum but I was scared of the consequences because she would of took me to the police and everything and I was too scared about what would happen and too ashamed of myself. Thinking back now I wish I had gone to the police and at least told my best friend, because men cannot just go around abusing women because we are a physically weaker.

    Reply

    Anon - 11/02/2013

    • Hi Anon,

      Thanks for posting on our site.

      It was more then sexual assault - the definition of rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'.

      Rape is a crime, and it should be reported. Don't blame yourself, you must understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

      No matter how long ago this happened please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a parent or other relative, a close friend or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      You can also speak to the police, remember that most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.

      This Is Abuse team 13/02/2013

  • Mona

    11/02/2013

    its heartbreaking

    Reply

    Mona - 11/02/2013

  • anonymous

    09/02/2013

    I wish you'd stop putting these adverts on tv, there are other ways to campaign, and every time this advert comes on I get flashbacks and panic attacks because of it. It's really causing me distress now.

    Reply

    anonymous - 09/02/2013

    • Hi anonymous,

      Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing. We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject, we also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.

      Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with. Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.

      The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.

      The reason for it being shown on national television was an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.

      We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.

      This Is Abuse team 13/02/2013

  • Jasmine x

    07/02/2013

    Hi, I'm almost 14. I am in the middle of a very distressing problem. I have a bofriend and I love him with all my heart but he doesn't think much of me, he's just turned 19 and he goes to university just up the road from me, he always gets me to go over there and 'play games' with him, but I don't like the games he does. We play this game where I have to try and reach a condom ontop of a wardrobe or on a high shelf, I have always been very small for my age so I can never reach anything, If I don't reach the condoms then he sais we can't use them and he will make me have unprotected sex with him. Sometimes we play a game where he will pin me down and I have to try and get up, I've never vbeen very strong either so I always lose and when I do he sais I have to suck him off. I recently told him that I don't want to play games with him anymore and he said it was fine but he's acting very violent towards me. Two days ago some boy said I had very nice legs in front of my boy friend and when I went to his university later on, he took a knife and cut me all up my legs. Yesterday another boy said how lovely and smooth my arms are, so my bf took the knife and cut all up my arms. This morning an older lad who my bf thinks fancies me told me I had beautiful eyes, my bf looked at me anmd said I have to see him asap. I haven't been to see him yet, I am very scared that he will cut my eyes or make me play another game as punishment and I don't know what to do because if I don't go to see him soon he will get his mates on me but I don't want to get hurt, I really need some help, I love my bf but I don't think I can take anymore of this, please help me, I can't put this off for much longer.

    Reply

    Jasmine x - 07/02/2013

    • Hi Jasmine,

      Thanks for your post.

      You're being physically and emotionally abused, you need to speak up about it. No one should tolerate that behaviour, it's not normal and it's not right. And your boyfriend should definitely not be forcing or pressuring you to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, it's unacceptable. Your boyfriend should also know that sex with any girl/boy under 16 is unlawful, including oral. It doesn't make any difference if permission (consent) is given or not, if you're under 16 sex is illegal.

      It's very important you try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      This Is Abuse team 12/02/2013

  • amber

    07/02/2013

    I was sexually used n abused then when I found the power to get away he raped me one day. I loved him or I thought I did at time. I never reported it and I felt dirty n ashamed n couldn't speak to anyone kept silent he left me pregnant n I later had abortion which hurt me to do cos my son from my former marriage had died. So don't do as I did report it and get help.

    Reply

    amber - 07/02/2013

  • 51MBA

    06/02/2013

    We need to teach our communities or people we live with that "NO means NO"

    Reply

    51MBA - 06/02/2013

  • greeneyes x

    05/02/2013

    I'm 12 years old, my sports teacher keeps making me do things with him, he forces me into sex and hurts me, somtimes he will make me get changed in fromt of him amd plesure himself while he watches me. Yesterday he forced his penis into my mouth because I wouldn't stop crying, he said I should be haappy because he's good looking an any girl woould want to be with him. I said that he vhurt me and I didn't like it and then he draged me into the toilets and forced himself onto me, I am very scared and upset. I don't want to go to school aanymore and he said if I tell anyone he will punch me, plees help me. I don't want to get into trouble but he is hurting me too much and he is too ruff when he does things to me. Pleese help

    Reply

    greeneyes x - 05/02/2013

    • Hi greeneyes,

      Thanks for your post, we're really very sorry to hear what's happening.

      You need to speak up so this stops; being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a crime and it should be reported. Please understand that this was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      Please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      Alternatively you can also call ChildLine in confidence on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • anonymous - 20yr (f)

    05/02/2013

    i was raped by a friend from a sports club i joined last year and it is the most distressing process ever. I moved away from home and started a new job with no mates or anything. I joined a sports club to which made friends but would only see eachother at the club. I started seeing someone in the army and one day my mate asked if I wanted to meet up and he would introduce me to another social group. all was ok my partner was ok with it and i made it clear to my friend i wasnt attracted to him and i was in a new relatioship... all goes ok meet up with him we hang out at his mates watch tv all go grab a bite until it came to dropping them home.... he asked if id come in for a cup of tea to which i did (with his mates) all was ok. he text me whilst! in the same room as him and his friends.. why dont u stay its getting late.... at this point my mind was thinking.. hold on this sounds dodgy. i reply no im going soon. he texts again 20mins later... please stay its dark out. I was really annoyed at this. text back again (whilst in same room) no im off home stop asking. his mates go to leave so i use that to get up n go too. i go to leave but left my phone! i knock on the door he says i duno where it is go get it. I go to grab it and be closes the door behind me. I wont go into more as its awful! but i ran, called the police within 4 hours of clothing being seized, swabs taken - he was arrested n bailed after questioning. now girls, this is not funny, they can not!! just do what they want then they want. its scary calling the police being probed and pushed and questioned and recorded on camera and everything, but fight for your dignity!!! he will have to live with it for the rest of his life now and goood to! please dont be scared ... no is no!!!!!! dont blame your self and i dont blame myself for going back to get my phone, a sex offender sadly..if they are determined enough they will do what they aimed to do. u can not control it or prevent it but you should report it xxxxx

    Reply

    anonymous - 20yr (f) - 05/02/2013

    • Hi anonymous,

      Thanks for your message and for sharing your thoughts on the site.

      We are really sorry to hear about this awful incident from your past. You did the right thing by speaking up and reporting it, if you ever want to talk to someone about your experiences in confidence, you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor in confidence on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      This Is Abuse team 12/02/2013

  • Sarah

    30/01/2013

    When I was 13, I was in a relationship with a boy who was 17, he lied about his age to me. Things were fine at the start, but when I turned 14, he started asking me for sex, I said no as I was not ready at that age, but whenever I said no, he'd get angry. There were a lot of times he'd push me onto the bed and use all his body weight to hold me down. Once, I manged to get away and I ran to the stairs and he came up behind me and tried to push me down them, luckily enough, I caught the banister and stopped myself from being seriously injured, But that wasn't the end of it. Every time I went to visit him, it would happen again, but he'd hurt me a different way each time. He'd throw me to the floor and kick me, or he'd push me into a door. It was distressing for a 14 year old.

    In the end I realised that it wasn't right what he was doing to me, and I got away. I have never told anyone, apart from my current boyfriend and a close friend. This is the first time I have told someone in two years.

    I am now 17, and my past still haunts me, but my current boyfriend, has helped me through it all, and never harmed me in any way.

    So it is possible to be happy after being abused by a past boyfriend, you just have to get away and wait. It will all get better in the end!

    Reply

    Sarah - 30/01/2013

    • Hi Sarah,

      Thanks for your message.

      We're really sorry to hear you were abused, it's good you left your ex, it's always important to leave an abusive relationship safely.

      We do think it's important that you speak to someone other than your current boyfriend about your experiences, as abuse can damage your confidence and have a negative impact on your wellbeing. It doesn't matter how long ago it was but you should try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm, or the 24 hour, National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247

      This Is Abuse team 05/02/2013

  • holllie

    30/01/2013

    Lastnight i was having sex with boyfriend , we have been together for about a month now, it started off loving and passionate then he became forceful and started to tell me to shut up and forceful putting his hand across my mouth to stop me for moaning..... i kept telling him to stop then he got frustrated ... i beg for him to stop.. he finished having sex with me then pretended like nothing happen im confused on what to do i feel ashamed...

    Reply

    holllie - 30/01/2013

    • Hi holllie,

      Thanks for your message.

      If your boyfriend forced or pressured you or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, that's unacceptable and it is abuse. You didn't give consent for that part of the sexual activity, it's not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      Depending what age you are (under 18) you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you're over 18, you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      This Is Abuse team 05/02/2013

  • anon

    26/01/2013

    A few years ago I was in an abusive relationship... He used to brag to his mates he'd pleasure himself lift up my top and ejaculate on my back I thought this was a sick joke untill I actually woke up and froze in fear I have no idea if this is classed as a type of sexual assault I still don't talk about it as it makes me feel sick I have mentioned it to a few âprofessionalsâ who have just made it out as nothing please could someone tell me if this is a form of sexual abuse? I just need a bit of closure for myself and not knowing irratates me thanks

    Reply

    anon - 26/01/2013

    • Hi anon,

      Thanks for your post, we are sorry to hear what's happened to you.

      It's not nothing, it is a form of assault and you're right to be speaking up about it. Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. It's not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent this. More information on sexual assault can be found here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult/the-law

      You need to find a trusted adult to speak to about this, it could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, as you've experienced, keep on trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      If you're under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you're over 18 alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor about your sexual assault experience on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      This Is Abuse team 01/02/2013

  • Sajeda

    21/01/2013

    I just saw this video
    Me and my boyfriend has had sex but if my bf keeps pressuring me to have sex. what shall i do

    Reply

    Sajeda - 21/01/2013

    • Hi Sajeda,

      Thanks for your post.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable.

      If your boyfriend is putting you under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      This Is Abuse team 25/01/2013

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