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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Bedroom

Is telling someone who they can and can’t see abuse?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Zoe's story
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?

what do you think? share your opinions

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Results: 30 - 45 of 159

  • i dont want to say

    03/04/2013

    I'm 14 and my boyfriend is 15 nearlly his 16th birthday and he keeps saying that he can't wait to be 16 because he can have sex , he has touched me up my body before and tried to unbutton my top but I got scared and pulled away and gave him a little push , we were alone in my house when this happened and he slapped me and threw me on the floor and got a belt from my draw and hit me with it , I stared to cry and he called me a baby , I tried to run out but he grabbed me and pushed me on the bed and we had sex , I could get up because he was a lot stronger then me and pinned me down , luckily he was wearing a condom and I didn't get pregnant , but after a few days of him abusing me I told him that I was scared of him and I don't like how he's treating me , he said he's sorry and hugged me and now we live in a happy relationship , I think he now understands how much it hurt me and promises not to do it again unless I'm old enough and ready I fell a lot safer now and happyer

    Reply

    i dont want to say - 03/04/2013

    • Hi i don't want to say,

      Thanks for your post.

      Rape is a crime. No one should behave like that, in or out of a relationship, and you certainly should not tolerate it, it's not normal behaviour, you deserve so much better.

      Even if your boyfriend has stopped we would urge him to contact Respect - on 0808 802 4040 or visit http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/phoneline.php - they run a confidential helpline for anyone concerned about their abuse/violence towards a partner. They will be able to advise and support your boyfriend if he really is sorry and wants to change his behaviour.

      Abuse can easily damage your confidence and self-worth so we would also encourage you to speak to someone in confidence about what happened - call Childline on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them and they won't judge. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Please make sure you are safe in your relationship, and be sure to talk to someone you trust about what happened.

      This Is Abuse team 05/04/2013

  • Angel

    02/04/2013

    I think I'm in an abusive relationship right now. My boyfriend, Harry keeps wanting to do some things to me and I'm not ready yet. I'm only 14 and he's 16.

    One time when we were sitting on the sofa when my parents were not at home he just started reaching down my shirt and touching me uncomfortably. Another time when my mum and dad wanted me to 'play games' with him (as if they think i'm still a 9 year old) and he just started touching me again. I told him to stop it but he just told me to be quiet and started raping me.

    He forced me to have sex with him and even tried to take all my clothes of before and when I managed to get myself out of his room he was phoning his friends and telling them to get me. It never happened but I'm still a bit anxious. I had a proper crush on Harry and sometimes I still do.

    Just when I get really close to them i realize something's not right, because I feel really anxious because I don't know if he is going to start up about have sex again.

    I don't want to break up with him because I think I really like him alot. Is this really abuse?

    Reply

    Angel - 02/04/2013

    • Hi Angel,
      Thank you posting.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape. It is a crime and it should be reported. It’s important to understand that what happened was not your fault; there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

      If you have been raped, we would urge you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, it’s important to speak up about what happened. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you have been raped or sexually assaulted, you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 03/04/2013

  • Carlo

    02/04/2013

    Where are the videos showing men suffering at the hands of woman, or is it only men who can be abusive? All you are doing is telling men that they can't be a victim of abuse and you should be ashamed, it's disgraceful.

    Reply

    Carlo - 02/04/2013

    • Hi Carlo,

      Thanks for your feedback; we are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign.

      We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight, and we are also aware that most teenage boys have normal and healthy relationships. However, in abusive relationships the statistics show that it is usually the male in the relationship that is the abuser and the female the victim and therefore it is important for the campaign to reflect this.

      Our objective is to help both boys and girls spot the signs of abuse in relationships and raise awareness of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour, and although we depict a female victim in the advert, the messages are relevant for both boys and girls whether they are victims or abusers,

      We have provided advice and information on the website which points all victims to the help they need - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help - including specific help for male victims of violence and abuse through Respect and Survivors UK. The site is also a forum where young people can pose questions and discuss the issue with their peers and experts in the field.

      We also work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU
      We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp
      We welcome all views; it’s good that the campaign is prompting you to ask questions and seek more information

      Tempero Moderation 02/04/2013

  • Kirstie

    02/04/2013

    I have seen abuse from the outside of a relationship through my sister and through a friend. I can safely say that for my sister, leaving her partner was the best thing she ever did. She had a child with him which has caused a few issues through courts, but she's so much happier now being with someone who can help her and spends time with her without hitting her. On the other hand, with my friend he is in an abusive relationship. Some of my other friends have noticed too but unfortunately after me telling him that what his girlfriend does to him is abuse, we've not spoken since and she now is keeping us apart anyway she can. She hits him an awful lot, often yells at him a lot, virtually all the time without a reason and then she claims that she does it because of panic attacks and things, even though I've discussed with her mother about what's happening and she's told me it's all lies and she's using excuses. But anyway, as for my friend, he says he loves her. He has bought her a promise ring as well because he feels too young to get engaged. I want him to get out of the relationship because I hate what this girl does to him, but unfortunately myself and my friends have all tried to help him but the moment we try he does indeed yell at us. I want him to truly see what effect it has on not just him and his relationship but for us as well because we don't want to see him getting hurt, I just don't know what to do without him yelling at all of us.

    Reply

    Kirstie - 02/04/2013

    • Hi Kirstie,

      Thanks for your message; we're glad to hear your sister escaped her abusive relationship, and we hope she did that safely.

      We're sorry to hear about your friend's abusive relationship, we think you should contact the Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327 (run by Respect) for advice and guidance. Their aim is to increase the safety of men experiencing domestic violence and help reduce the risk, so they will be able to provide practical support for concerned friends/family (as well as males experiencing abuse) and would be best placed to advise you.

      This Is Abuse team 03/04/2013

  • fran

    02/04/2013

    I think the ads present a very limited view of young men. I have two sons and two daughters 21 to 27 years old.

    I recognise the dangers of abuse in lots of relationships involving young people but your campaign focuses on gender abuse/violence and in so doing portrays young men in a stereotypically primitive way as the ones dishing out abuse and violence.

    What about male on male or female on female abuse - not only sexual but ridicule and exploitation. Its about power and dsplays of power happen in a variety of relatonships and across the sexes as well as in non sexual and same sex relatonships.

    Can we not teach young people to recognise abuse without demonising one half of them ?

    Reply

    fran - 02/04/2013

    • Hi Fran,

      Thanks for your feedback; we are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign.

      We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight, and we are also aware that most teenage boys have normal and healthy relationships. However, in abusive relationships the statistics show that it is usually the male in the relationship that is the abuser and the female the victim and therefore it is important for the campaign to reflect this.

      Our objective is to help both boys and girls spot the signs of abuse in relationships and raise awareness of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour, and although we depict a female victim in the advert, the messages are relevant for both boys and girls whether they are victims or abusers,

      We have provided advice and information on the website which points all victims to the help they need - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help - including specific help for male victims of violence and abuse through Respect and Survivors UK. The site is also a forum where young people can pose questions and discuss the issue with their peers and experts in the field.

      We also work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp
      We welcome all views; it’s good that the campaign is prompting you to ask questions and seek more information.

      Tempero Moderation 02/04/2013

  • 13/03/2013

    Jodie
    I'm in an abusive relationship at the moment.

    I have had a baby with my partner and things only got worse. Many a time I've felt like jumping in front of a train or driving off a bridge.


    He's brainwashed me to think its all my fault and my wrong doing and it kills me. I cant take it anymore but I love him so much.

    I am tyring to be strong but I dont want to leave him I so desperately want us to work and for him to seek help. I dont want to be another statistic of a single mum thats been in an abusive relationship.

    Worse thing is that he tells me I can leave him and he will be fine but before hes told me he will throw acid in my face so that no one goes near me again and hes threatened to kill me so I am finding it really hard to leave.

    I cant seek help from any of the organisations that are there to help because if you disclose violence or anything that is concerning they have an obligation to go to the police and I do love him and dont want him to be arrested for what he has done.

    Not only because I love him but because its happened its in the past and I dont want to drag it up again its too much heartache. Also because a prison sentance doesnt solve the underlying issues he has.

    And lastly I dont want to make the situation and worse than it already is or to make him any more angry than he already gets...

    Reply

    13/03/2013

    • Hi Jodie,

      Thanks for your message.

      Please understand that staying in a relationship where you are being abused can cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence. An abusive, violent or controlling relationship is not normal and not acceptable, nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour, and it's definitely not your fault. Your partner's bullying is obviously making you worried, emotional abuse can also lead to physical abuse - your partner is already threatening violence - and you've contemplated suicide. We would urge you to talk to someone about what's been happening.

      It can be very hard to leave an abusive relationship - no matter what kind - it’s also very important to leave the relationship safely. There are many reasons why people don't feel they can leave. Fear is a huge one, also uncertainty about what to do/who can help. Some people may not realise that they are being abused and not even be looking for help. A big factor in not leaving can simply be love. Love is such a powerful emotion it can overrule anything else. We would encourage you to think about completing a safety plan like this: http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/47-keeping-safe-in-an-unhealthy-relationship.html

      It's really important you find someone you trust to speak to about your relationship, help and support is out there. You can contact the 24 hour, National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 in confidence for advice. This is run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge; you can also log-on to Women's Aid's Survivors' Message board: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080021§ionTitle=Survivors+Forum. You can also visit Refuge's site - http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/ - for more information and advice.

      This Is Abuse team 15/03/2013

  • tina

    10/03/2013

    my partner keeps pulling me up on things saying i'm forgetting things.

    The other day he told me i hadn't told him that i went to see a friend & it turned into a big row as i felt like i was going mad as i really thought i did tell him.

    This made him hit me several times & then after said he has a nice suprise for me & he only hit me cause he loved me so much , but still expected me to say i was wrong for not telling him the truth & i couldn't admit this as in my head i really thought i did tell him.

    Reply

    tina - 10/03/2013

    • Hi Tina

      Abuse is wrong and never okay. If you’re suffering from physical abuse, and signs can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour, it’s important to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
      If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

      You can also hear from a survivor of domestic violence here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7a8fsrPEaYQ&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=3&feature=plcp

      Tempero Moderation 10/03/2013

  • Ruby

    10/03/2013

    I heard the advert on the radio on my way to uni and could relate to almost everything said.

    I don't really know how to explain the situation and I think I cause most of our problems.

    I am from a travelling background, my boyfriend (husband to be) and me have been together nearly 3 years I'm 18 now.

    We used to be so good together, we had occassional row but so does everyone. The thing that causes the problem is that unlike our culture states I have stayed in education and am currently at uni studying social work, I have very strong morals and do live by our culture but I just want to be my own person and not owned by a man for the rest of my life.

    During our relationship we never had any sexual contact because we believe this comes after marriage only he kept on and on about it and eventually I just gave in, the first few times were ok but now its just like a chore whenever he wants it I cant argue.

    Im not allowed to talk to other boys, he now takes me to uni and picks me up so he knows where I am and gets cross when I have to go to work.

    What can i do?

    Reply

    Ruby - 10/03/2013

    • Hi Ruby

      Thanks for getting in touch.

      A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around, as can still loving that person. Again, that is also completely normal and many people are torn between loving the person and hating their behaviour. Just because the abuse went on for a long time, does not mean you were complicit in this.

      Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

      Tempero Moderation 10/03/2013

  • Jamie

    08/03/2013

    Sad, all to common.

    I can think of two girls who suffered abuse myself, both whom work at the same place as me.

    One of these girls boyfriends said to her 'You drove me to this'

    To stop abuse, you need people to see it as unacceptable, and boys (and sometimes girls also) if they abuse their partners to get stigmatised, and for abuse to socially unacceptable.

    People who actively promote abuse by doing things such as, cough cough, selling t-shirts saying 'Keep calm and rape her' or 'Keep Calm and hit her' also need to face criminal prosecution themselves - surely there is a law somewhere that they can be done under, and if there isn't its about time some MADE ONE.

    Reply

    Jamie - 08/03/2013

  • anonymous

    07/03/2013

    Recently, I watched the 'BEDROOM' video on teenage domestic abuse, and found myself utterly appalled at the ending where the girl (the victim) is banging on the glass with the 'would you see abuse' statement. What I got from this was that the abuse was the girl's fault for whatever reason.

    As a victim of domestic abuse myself (I was in an abusive relationship aged 14), I find this very demeaning as, after years of counselling, I discovered that it was not my fault.

    I understand that the point of it is to try and get the victim to speak up about the abuse, but I really did not see or feel this from the way it was portrayed. It took me so long to realise that it wasn't my fault, and that I shouldn't feel bad for not picking up that it was abuse straight away.

    I just don't feel like that is shown by the ending of this video.

    I'm sorry if anyone disagrees, or finds this irrelevant, but it's just my opinion on the video.

    Reply

    anonymous - 07/03/2013

    • Hi Anonymous

      Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.

      We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.

      Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.

      Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.

      The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.

      We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.

      Tempero Moderation 07/03/2013

  • unsure of who I am

    02/03/2013

    I am currently in a relationship, my other half was abused as a child up untill 15 years old.

    Having his home set on fire, being made to watch his mother being sexually attacked, tighted to chairs at knife point from a young age. He had no nice childhood memories, I tried my hardest to make me some such as a teddy bear picnic.

    Since 4 months into our relationship he started accusing me of having sex with his friends, I don't going out with the girls I'm 20 and now go bingo with his mum and sunbed for 10 minutes alone. He comes home and checks the bed, condoms and my body.

    I suffer with ezuma I have done for years, when it appers afters stressful days he calls me discussing saying ' I can't even look at you, maybe you got it from him!'

    His never layed a hand on me only once he has pushed me across the kitchen, other times he'll punch doors, rip doors off throw objects across the room recently tipping the bed over shouting while I had to use the bedroom bin to be sick as I couldn't leave the room.

    I've asked him to get help for his past as well as his temper today but this behavoiur is unaccpectable.

    It doesn't help with everyone in his family involing them selfs to try and help witch just causes more arugments we never aruge unless a member of his family or his friends say something.

    I used to be such a happy, outgoing young soul now I cook clean and hope some days I don't waken from my sleep.

    Reply

    unsure of who I am - 02/03/2013

    • Hi unsure of who I am,

      Thanks for your message, we are really sorry to hear about your abusive relationship.

      It's important that if you are feeling depressed or suicidal you need to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a parent or other relative, a close friend or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. There are people who understand, and who can help you deal with the problems you are going through. The Samaritans may also be able to help, take a look at their website at http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ or email jo@samaritans.co.uk. You can also call the Samaritans helpline on 08457 909090.

      You can also call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 for support and guidance (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) or log-on to Women's Aid's Survivors' Message board: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080021§ionTitle=Survivors+Forum.

      This Is Abuse team 04/03/2013

  • Kelly

    28/02/2013

    My boyfriend and I argue a lot with each other lately and I feel like it is my fault and feel like I am the one who is in the wrong and I can justify this.

    My ex boyfriend was fine we were happy so i know i have the potential to be a good girlfriend but recently in the last 12 months of our 4 year relationship my boyfriend and I have entered a slippery slope. I feel like I am always getting upset but he doesn't do anything wrong, he never checks up on me and trust everything I say but I struggle to reciprocate this behaviour to him because in the last year I found out there were two separate occasions of two different girls messaging him and I know nothing came of the messages as they don't live near us AND he wouldn't ever go that far as his mum was cheated by his dad and it broke his heart seeing that happen to his mum. So i DO trust him but even knowing that there was some flirting going on has shattered my emotions and I need tips on how to cope with the feeling of anxiety I get now. I love him to pieces he is a really nice guy and we all make mistakes and seeing as the messages were SO harmless i feel pathetic letting them bother me so much. I need tips on how to overcome these feeling when they arise. I have tried counting to 10 or removing myself from the situation till i feel better but he doesn't always give me the chance to do this. I don't want him to feel like i am a bad girlfriend and I dont want him to worry about my trust issues and how they're driving me insane.

    Reply

    Kelly - 28/02/2013

  • Kate

    28/02/2013

    I think that alongside violent abuse, this website should also show examples of subtle emotional abuse, as this is often the hardest to spot.

    I had a boyfriend who was charming and lovely and in many ways a great guy. He was fun and would take me out great places and we would laugh so much and he also was great to talk to and seemed to have a really good heart.

    However, due to his own issues with self-esteem, he does not feel comfortable being with someone unless they absolutely adore him and he can be sure they won't leave him. To ensure this he seeks to subtlety destroy your self esteem, so that you don't think you're worth very much, and will become highly dependent on him.

    He also is obsessed with beautiful model females and the status of being seen with such a girl. He used 'back handed compliments' which I'm not going to directly quote on here but an example would be 'I love your blonde hair, it's weird cos I always go for brunettes'.

    Little things like this that really get you thinking when you're low on yourself. And often these comments would be far more damaging and would often relate to weight, size and shape. Even though I'm a size 6-8. He once overheard me saying I'm a 6 he said are you ?!! And I said yes....why? And he said haaaaa right just didn't realise. Making it clear he thought I was much bigger.

    He used to criticise what I ate and how I ate so that I was scared to even eat around him. He used to criticise me in bed, literally half way through just tell me what I was doing was rubbish. He refused to wear condoms and when I finally got the strength to insist he told me the sex was rubbish with them and not worth having basically.

    It was a combination of incredibly subtle comments and then other more blatant ones but after a few months of this daily abuse I have genuinely never felt so worthless and ugly in my life. I had already changed my hair to how he wanted it and started attending the gym and watching my diet and also wearing my makeup heavier because he liked it that way. And after all this he still wasn't pleased and I eventually exploded and told him I wasn't changing anymore for him.

    He went back to his ex as he found her much easier to control (she turned anorexic after a year with him).

    It has taken me around 18months - 2 years to finally rebuild my confidence and to really fully understand what went on between us. I initially kicked myself for messing things up with a 'perfect guy' and only as my confidence came back did I realise it was his loss actually and that I would have never been happy in that relationship.

    I just wanted to share this incase anyone is in a similar situation or knows of anyone with a guy like this because I can tell you from experience although its so subtle it does really really mess you up and destroy all of your happiness.

    Reply

    Kate - 28/02/2013

  • Tim

    26/02/2013

    Near enough every advert or video I see about abuse is boy against girl. Such an attitude is sexist and this site is sexist. Not all cases of abuse are guys against girls, and statistics show that in physically abusive relationships women land more blows than men.

    Reply

    Tim - 26/02/2013

    • Hi Carlos,

      Thanks very much for your message.

      Talking about what happened to you is really important, especially if you're suicidal. You can get help - call the helpline for men experiencing domestic abuse in confidence on freephone 0808 801 0327, email info@mensadviceline.org.uk or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk

      SurvivorsUK also supports adult men over the age of 18 who have experienced sexual violation at any time in their lives. They offer a helpline for male survivors, their friends, family and carers on 0845 1221201 (Mon/Tues 7-9.30pm and Thurs 12-2.30pm) and a London based counselling service offering low cost individual counselling and group therapy: www.survivorsuk.org / info@survivorsuk.org

      This Is Abuse team 20/03/2013

    • Hi, I have just been abused by a women for 2 years, I nearly took my own life.

      It has to be recognised that Women abuse Men as well, hence I have contacted the House of Commons for a change in the Law.

      carlos - 18/03/2013

    • Hello Tim,

      Thanks for your feedback.

      We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. To be clear, the objective of this campaign is to help both boys and girls spot the signs of abuse in relationships and raise awareness of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour.

      This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.

      It’s good that the campaign is prompting you to ask questions and seek more information.

      We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp

      Tempero Moderation 26/02/2013

  • LadyLiverpool

    23/02/2013

    I've been with my bf for over a year and he grew up as a child surrounded my a domestically violent dad, who left the home when my bf was about 9. I'm going to refer as my bf as "him". He is actually having therapy at the moment for his phobia to flying, but for his first consultation he had to describe his childhood and the therapist told him his childhood was very traumatic and violent. Due to this, I seem to excuse his current behaviour. Basically. I met him aged 18 and him 22. I had just come out of a long term relationship and been partying loads with friends and living life up a bit. Once I met him, we spent a lot of dates together and I still went out with my friends- it was a healthy balance. However, a few months in he would want me to stay round his on Saturday nights (he lives an hour and a half train journey from me) which is fine but he then wanted me to stay EVERY Saturday which meant my usual Saturdays out disappeared. He started to get angry if I ever wanted to meet some friends for a drink- even casually. Eventually, I Never went out with my friends as it was too much of an effort or argument to even bring it up with him as he would row with me or say I want to be single or that I want to cheat on him. One time we went to a concert and he got so drunk and because I didn't want to get on his shoulders he started to pinch me so hard that I started cryinginfront of everyone and even a random member of the public asked if I was okay. He apologised loads after and said he'd never do it again. I had a friends birthday coming up and boyfriends were invited so I invited him but he was going to meet us at the venue instead of the pub we were at before. He was meeting a few friends prior to meeting us at the club. Other girl's boyfriends were meant to meet us at the club aswell but they turned up at the pub we were at before. I text my boyfriend telling him the boyfriends had come and he went mad at me. He said I lied and didn't invite him to the first bit on purpose. He was drunk at this point. When I arrived at the club he called me and demanded I meet him as he had a taxi waiting for us to go home. I said what! And he said I needed to come with him or he'd dump me. So I was so scared I went to meet him without even entering the club for my friend's birthday. My friends were understandably mad at me. He then realised how drunk he w the next day with me crying so much at hurting my friends for leaving. He apologised to the, all by calling the, and texting the, and saying he was so drunk he was so so sorry.

    Other issues are that I no longer have my friends as they think I don't make an effort with them but I don't want to tell them about his true actions as they'd be shocked that I'd even think to stay with him. I'm now working and if any work drinks come up I always turn them down as the argument we'll end up having isnt worth it. On the rare occasion I go to a few after work drinks, I literally have to build up to "asking" him to go and he will end up saying "I don't trust you" and "I want to meet you after" or not to stay late and to leave at like 8.

    He has called me every bad word under the sun and has called me the C word countless times. However, a lot of the time he is so nice and loving then it will be the times that he is provoked or stuff that he doesn't like. Basically I have become a doormat but I love the guy and its true my security lies in him and that's what's bad about it. He has pinched me and pulled my hair. Sometimes this ends in me crying and eventually he'll apologise.

    I think he is insecure and feels like I'm too good for him as he has a son from a previous relationship and feels like he has too much baggage and I'm too young that I'll run away. I don't care about all that and I tell him this but he just has that control over my life and I tell him this also and he just laughs and says I'm "over emotional".

    Reply

    LadyLiverpool - 23/02/2013

    • Hi LadyLiverpool,

      Thanks for your post.

      What you've described is an abusive relationship. Please understand that abuse is wrong and never okay, no one should tolerate this behaviour, it's not normal and it's not acceptable. Emotional abuse can damage your confidence and your self-worth, signs of such abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do. It can also lead to physical abuse - find out more here - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/spot-the-signs.

      It can be very hard to leave an abusive relationship, no matter what kind. If you do decide to leave it's important you do so safely. There are many reasons why people don't feel they can leave; fear is a huge one, also uncertainty about what to do/who can help. Some people may not realise that they are being abused and not even be looking for help. A big factor in not leaving can simply be love. Love is such a powerful emotion it can overrule anything else. If you are still with your boyfriend, we would urge you to think about completing a safety plan like this: http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/47-keeping-safe-in-an-unhealthy-relationship.html

      We think it's important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about all this - it doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) in confidence for advice and guidance - and you can visit here for more information http://www.womensaid.org.uk/.

      This Is Abuse team 27/02/2013

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