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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Bedroom

Is telling someone who they can and can’t see abuse?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Zoe's story
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?

what do you think? share your opinions

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Results: 15 - 30 of 163

  • Anca

    09/01/2014

    Hi, i am 19 I have a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. I am really desperate I don't know what to do. My boyfriend gets verry jealous on me for not reason. I can't have any friends. He always cheks my fon. If I have a masaje when I'm with him he is the one who checks it or a fon call which is not from my family. I'm even afraid to email u. When he'll find out I can't imagine. He always complains about the clothes I am wearing. For example now I'm in the hospital he doesn't let me wear pijamas even. I legt him many times but he is coming take me back to his house. Please I need help. Thank u.

    Reply

    Anca - 09/01/2014

    • Hi Anca,

      Thanks for getting in contact. It sounds like you're in a really worrying situation. It doesn't sound like you want to be in this relationship anymore.

      If you are scared of your partner then I think it is really important that you access some support. A local domestic violence service will be able to support you in leaving as safely as possible. There is also information on safety planning here http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005

      I know it is difficult for you to speak to people without your partner finding out, but I think it would be really helpful for you to contact the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247, or come and talk to one of our advisors on our live chat sessions on this site, Monday-Friday 5pm-7pm.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2014

  • lollipops

    08/01/2014

    hi i have been with my partner for almost a year in that year i have had 2 miscarriages and under gone tons of stress. the reasons for my stress is because my partner forced sex upon me she i didn't want it. he says he was joking around and his sorry. he hits me constantly, shouts at me, won't let go out on my own I'm 19 years old and i don't no what to do he won't let me leave the relationship i don't want to but it is a last resort. what can i do is this abuse

    Reply

    lollipops - 08/01/2014

    • Dear Lollipops,

      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of courage to speak out about being domestically abused. You have done that here, this is the first step towards getting some support so you don’t have to cope alone with the stress you are under.

      Your partner is attacking you, raping you and controlling you, to the point that you feel that there is no way out of the situation. You have had a very hard time, having two miscarriages would be upsetting even without the additional abuse. You are being very strong to cope with this.

      What you describe in your message is defiantly abuse and is against the law. Rape and domestic violence are serious crimes. What is happening to you is not your fault, you are not to blame for what has happened. Your partner has chosen to be abusive and is not taking responsibility for his actions. You cannot change him but you can try to keep yourself safe by getting the support that you deserve.

      Do the people around you know about his abuse? Is this something you can talk about with friends or family? If so tell them how you are feeling and what is happening, the more people you have supporting you, the easier it will be fore you to decide what to do next. If you need to speak to some you don’t know you can call the 24 hour helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can discuss more practical matters with them, about what is available for you if you leave the relationship, as well as emotional support for you.

      In your message you write about being raped by your partner. That’s very hard and can have lasting effects on a person. As you have not had any support for this I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). If you have someone supporting you it will be easier for you to make the next move towards recovery and get yourself some specialist help for what you have been through.

      We also have a live chat available 5-7 weeknights.

      Take care, Becca



      This is Abuse team 12/01/2014

  • Fallen_Angel

    08/01/2014

    I am 19 and my boyfriend of nearly a year and half is 29. I have a son from a previous abusive relationship which I finally got the courage to leave him after nearly three years of emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Anyway I thought I hit the jackpot finding my current partner who was willing to take on my son and I felt comfortable enough to tell him about the abuse I had suffered. I cant say things were overly good at any point as in the beginning of the relationship he mostly went out drinking with friends but I made it clear I wad looking to settle down into a family life and he changed and didn't go out all the time and we started to be a family and things were good for a while but then I found out that he had been sending dirty messages to other girls and found out that he is a compulsive liar and lies about everything, big and small and when we have a disagreement which he turned into an argument by saying that the dirty messages were a 'laugh' he would just go off out drinking and ignore me and then repeatedly phone me at stupid o'clock in the morning. Anyway I'm an idiot and I stayed with him and now things have gotten worse and we actually fight. I found out about yet another lie and I confronted him and tried to talk to him and express my feeling but he gets all defensive and syarts arguing and pointing the finger at me and shouting in my face. Since my last relationship I promised myself that I wouldn't let anyone push me around and so I push him away from me and try to get away from the situation but he pins me down, pushes me around, takes my phone, takes my car keys, takes my house keys and when I've tried to lock myself in our bathroom he has actually broke the door and then told me that it was all my fault, he's done that three/four times. He's punched my legs, grabs me so hard I'm covered in bruises, he grabs my boobs really hard when we are arguing and I've been left with bruises there too, he's slapped me, hit my head off of things, thrown things at me and called me me a slag, a slut and a whore. Accuses me of cheating, dictates who I can and who I can't talk too and who I can and can't see. Worst of all he blames me for it all, he says that if I weren't such an over sensitive whatever then it wouldn't have happened etc etc. He blames me to the point where I think that maybe it is all my fault and maybe there js something wrong with me. I've been crying so much and fighting back like trying to get him off and away from me that I've just collapsed in a heap struggling to breath and he's told me that I'm just pathetic and I need to grow up and get a grip. He threatens to phone my mum all the time too although he has never followed through on it. I tried to stay strong and stand up for myself and fight back as much as I could but now I'm just deep into a pit of depression and self harm thinking the only way out is suicide. I feel like I'm just in too deep. I've tried to leave him but he just throws my clothes around and away from me and won't let me. My son is really attached to him and calls him dad and I feel so guilty about that. I really don't know what to do or where I can turn.. I know this relationship is just toxic but I feel so trapped. Am I crazy? Is it my fault? I really don't know anymore.

    Reply

    Fallen_Angel - 08/01/2014

    • Hi
      I am so glad you got in touch and I am very concerned about you.
      Firstly, I want to reassure you that none of this is your fault. Abusers are very good at denying responsibility for their abuse and blaming their victims. You have done nothing wrong and are certainly not an idiot. It must be awful having been through an abusive relationship before.

      It is really important that you get support, you do not have to go through this alone.
      Does anyone in your family or any friends know what has been happening? Often if other people know, it can help keep you safer.Perhaps you could think about talking to a health visitor or doctor?

      You can always call the police on 999 if you are scared - they will take this very seriously, and you can ring the national domestic violence helpline 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247 - they can give you advice and also tell you about local services and refuges. Please do contact them.

      I am also concerned that you are self-harming and thinking about suicide. I understand how awful this is and if you are feeling like this I really want you to get some support. There is an amazing organisation called Papyrus who help people who are feeling suicidal. They have a helpline and you can also email or text them.
      http://www.papyrus-uk.org/
      0800 068 41 41
      email: pat@papyrus-uk.org
      SMS: 07786 209697
      Please do contact them if you are feeling suicidal. You have been so strong this far, and now you can get the support you need to stay safe.

      I know that your son is attached to him, but being around someone who is abusing his mum could really affect him. You both deserve to be safe and happy.

      If you want to talk more please come to our live chat service here every mon-fri from 5-7.
      This is very serious but there is help here for you,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team 12/01/2014

    • Dear Fallen - Angel,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear just how overwhelmed and confused you by the situation you are in. You have been really strong to reach out for support here. You don’t have to cope with what is happening alone, you have made the first step towards getting help by writing here.

      You are in an extremely abusive relationship and you have been really strong to cope with what happened to you. If you are feeling like you have run out of energy and can’t se a way out that’s understandable, but there are ways out. You are in a frightening relationship and have been raising a child in that situation for a long time. What is happening is not your fault – you have done nothing to cause this abuse. You are not crazy or oversensitive. Your partners have abused you because they are abusive, it is nothing to do with you or the way you behave or are.

      You say you have depression and are self harming and thinking of ending your life. I can see from that how much want things to change for you and your son. Have you been able to talk about this abuse with anyone? Your mum, other family, friends? If not I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take. You are very isolated at the moment so no wonder you feel trapped. If you have some support you will feel less daunted. If you are in immediate danger, you can call the police.

      Are you seeing your GP for your depression? You could mention how you are feeling to them and what is going on at home. If you are feeling like ending your life this is something you could discuss with them and they could refer you to specialist support.

      What is happening to you is not ok. You deserve to be treated with love and care, not abuse. If you want more information you can also look on this website.

      www.womensaid.org.uk

      We also have a live chat from 5-7 weekdays if you need some more support.

      Take care
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 12/01/2014

  • Anonymous

    29/12/2013

    I have been with my partner for nine years and we have two children together. When we got together it was great but soon went bad he started to go out with his friends drinking and staying out all weekend then coming home and calling me horrible names and spiriting at me. Then when he had sobered up he would say sorry. He has also hit me badly and left me then he will come back and say sorry and say it was my fault and I would believe it was my fault. He calls me stupid and ugly and makes me nervous about everything I don't no what to do

    Reply

    Anonymous - 29/12/2013

    • Hi
      Thanks for your message, It sounds like a very difficult and abusive relationship.

      I think that you need to get some support for you and your children (who will also be affected by this),. You can call the national helpline anytime on 0808 2000 247 and they can give you some advice about local support services. They can also help you go to a refuge if you wanted to.

      It is also important to tell other friends and family so you don't have to cope alone. I want you to know that none of this is your fault, abusers always blame other people (usually the person they are abusing) for their behaviour. Also, the alcohol he is using is not an excuse for the abuse.

      Please think about contacting the helpline, there are some excellent services out there who can help you and your children.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team 31/12/2013

  • Clare

    29/12/2013

    Hi, I was with a bloke for 10 years, we are no longer together. He used to cause arguments over sex and tell me I should want to make him happy, even if I was not feeling like it. He never forced me but made me feel like I had to do it to keep the peace. On one occasion I was woken by him actually inside me and I felt violated as I was sleeping :/ I was just wondering if this was classed as rape as I didn't consent. I stopped him and he did stop. He hated me having friends and tried his hardest to end my friendships. He says he didnt stop me going out, but would cause an argument before I left, then text me all night while I was out. I'm glad I'm out of it now, but was just wondering if you could answer my question. Thank

    Reply

    Clare - 29/12/2013

    • Hi Clare
      Thanks for your message, I am glad you are no longer in the relationship as it sounded very abusive sexually and emotionally.

      I'm happy to answer your question and I am sure many other people will have similar concerns.

      Ok, even if someone does not force you to have sex physically, by making you feel like you have t,o to keep the peace, is sexual pressure and and he is not getting your consent. This page gives more detail on this:

      http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assault/consent

      By having sex with you when you are sleeping, this is rape as he did not have your consent. I am glad that he stopped when you asked him to, but this does not change the fact that it was rape to begin with. I know this may be hard to hear now.

      Your partner was also emotionally abusive and controlling, I am wondering how you are feeling now? If you feel you need some support to deal with what happened, there are lots of support agencies on our help pages: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team 31/12/2013

  • Teresa

    29/12/2013

    I was emotionally, psychologically, physically, emotionally and financially abused by my partner of 6 years. I think I did not realise what it was a first because he is a police officer.

    I felt sure he wasn't abusing me because of his job. I cannot face reporting him because it will be looked into by his friends, peers and colleagues.

    I would really like to hear from anyone else in same circumstances as it might help me pluck up the courage to report it.

    Reply

    Teresa - 29/12/2013

    • Dear Teresa,

      Thank you for your message I can hear that you are very confused about the way you are being treated and I am pleased you have felt able to share your story here, you have shown a lot of strength.

      Have you been able to talk about his with anyone in your life? Family or friend? If you are in an abusive relationship so I would encourage you to seek some help. You can call the 24-hour domestic violence helpline (0808 2000 247) and discuss your options there. You could also look on the website for support. http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 31/12/2013

  • Tracie

    27/12/2013

    I was in a mentally abusive relationship and marriage for many..I'm now been out of this situation for a few years and have recently found out the woman my husband is now with is going through the same thing...I so want to help but don't know how?

    Reply

    Tracie - 27/12/2013

    • Hi Tracey,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how difficult this must be for you seeing someone in the situation you have escaped in this situation. You are obviously want to assist t her, which is important, as she needs people around her that will be understanding and not judge her while in this relationship. Which is what you would be able to do.

      Is this woman someone you have a relationship with? If she is then you can let her know that you understand what she is going through and you can be there for her. You can also point her to services that can offer support, such as this website and the 24 hour domestic abuse helpline (0808 2000 247)

      If she is not someone you have a relationship with and you approach her and she feels she has to defend her partner, even when he is wrong, it may not make her open to discussing the situation with you. You can make it known that if she does not want to talk about it you are there for her. It may be difficult to see but only she can end the relationship in her own time.

      As she is in a relationship with your ex is this safe for you to do? It is important that you keep yourself safe in this situation, as you have already had to overcome the abuse you went through in your marriage. If you would like any specialist support for what you went through this website is a good place to look

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/


      You may also want to look on this website for more information for friends and family of people in abusive relationships.

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?itemid=1296&itemTitle=Support+for+family+and+friends+of+women+experiencing+abuse§ion=00010001002200410001§ionTitle=Articles%3A+domestic+violence

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 29/12/2013

  • Rachel

    27/12/2013

    I have been single only 2 months after a extremely turbulent relationship, it was only 8 months which started out brilliant for the first month or so but it was so intense and he was such a charmer and would take me to dinner and treat me making me feel so special, taking me on trips away but then he had a close female friend, i met her and she was lovely but when i wanted him to come to a family do, he decided to go out to dinner with her instead.
    I was upset, i even asked if i could come along but he didnt want me there, he had even told me before hand that he had feelings for her so of course i felt a bit uncomfortable about it.
    He would get drunk and accuse me of not trusting him and that i was crazy and insanely jealous, a dickhead, a childish brat.
    I gave him another chance because she apologized and said he was drunk and said he understood why i felt like i did but all i wanted was to be included but he said he wouldnt see her anymore, i told him i didnt want him not to see his friends but he was adamant that he wanted to.

    After that.. most weekends were spent with him getting drunk and whenever we argued he would say how much he resented me for stopping him seeing his female friend.. i never stopped him ever..

    He would tell me how he flirted with girls and how they flirted with him, if i got upset about it, he would start shouting at me telling me to get out of his apartment and that it was meant to be funny and i shouldnt be upset.

    He would criticize me on how my voice sounded.. if i got upset, he would say "you should see yourself... look at yourself!.. your hysterical"

    I was crying and i had a cold so my nose was running, he wiped it all over my face and started laughing and told me to grow the f**k up.

    He would make promises and never keep them, he wouldnt turn up and meet me, he would switch his phone off or on silent and if i tried to call him he waould ignore / reject the calls and then have a go at me that my calling / texting was freaking me out and that i should get a life of my own.

    He cheated on me while i was away on holiday.. that was the worst time ever going through that hurt... i turned to professional help because i actually believed i was insane/ crazy and useless.
    I stupidly took him back after he cheated.. he begged me, stalked me and phoned me nonestop, i loved him and i gave him yet another chance to which he wined me and dined me, bought me beautiful gifts and even talked about getting engaged! Those 2 weeks were blissful but then one night i calmly asked him who the other lady was (he kept checking his phone alot and kept wanting to go off for a walk on his own, if ever i asked to join him, he would say" cant i have some space? chill the f**k out) he went mad when i asked him who the other woman was and shouted at me "shut the f**k up! your making me very angry now as you always do.. GET OUT!!! he started throwing things at me and coming up into my face shouting.. i was scared and felt very threatened.
    I dont know what he would have done the longer i stayed with him but i wouldnt put it passed him to lash out at me.

    I still miss him now but i dont miss the pain or the hurt / anxiety i went through... i feel alot better in myself now and have some really good friends who have helped me through this.. its been a very rough year and hope i will never have to go through this again.
    He never hit me, i know... but i often worried he might have done if i had moved in with him

    Reply

    Rachel - 27/12/2013

    • Hi Rachel,

      Thank you for your message. It sounds like you were in a very abusive relationship. Just because he didn't hit you does not mean it is not as serious or unsafe.

      I am so pleased that you are no longer with him. I am wondering if he has tried to contact you at all since the separation? Are you feeling safe?

      If you are ever worried, there are lots of places that can help you: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help

      Take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team 28/12/2013

  • Tanya

    24/12/2013

    I am single after being in a string of abusive relationships and I have never been happier. Girls: be strong and get out. Short term pain, long term gain; you'll meet someone who is worthy of you. x

    Reply

    Tanya - 24/12/2013

    • Hello Tanya

      Thanks for you message of support to others. It is good to hear that you are now safe and well yourself

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 25/12/2013

  • 23/12/2013

    Yaz
    I've been with my boyfriend nine months and it was perfect till the first month when I found out he cheated on me he's cheated on me twice and asked to meet other girls through the last 8 months, basically I'm not happy but I feel as If I need him and don't wanna see him with anyone else. He's dragged me across a road before now, kicked me slapped me, name called brought my horrible past in to arguments. Saying I'm dirty and horrible and a slag, but we've spent too much time together than all we do is argue I must admit I spark arguments up from time to time, but th way he's been in th last 4 days is not right, he's been punching me and kicking me. But then apologising when I start crying if he realises he's hit me too hard but if he thinks it weren't hard he will call me a spaz and make fun off me crying, he's tried killing himself for me trying to leave him I don't know what to do?

    Reply

    23/12/2013

    • Hi Yaz
      Thank you for your message.

      I am very concerned about you as what you are describing is serious physical abuse, especially as you say things have got worse over the last few days?

      Does anyone else know what has been going on? I think it is very important that you tell family or friends so you are not dealing with this on your own.

      What he is doing is totally unacceptable and this is not your fault. I understand that the cheating on you is awful and must feel horrible, but he is also being very abusive and I want you to get some help. If you want to leave the relationship, please do so safely by telling others what you plan to do as sometimes abuse can increase after separation.

      If you are at all scared please ring the police straight away on 999. They have trained officers who specialise in domestic violence and will be able to help you.
      This is the number for the national domestic violence help line. They will be able to give you some support, explain your options and tell you about any local services. They are open 24 hours a day every day.
      0808 2000 247

      We also have a live chat service here mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk more,

      Please get some help with this Yaz, you are not alone, you deserve to be with someone who will treat you with love and respect,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team 24/12/2013

  • emma

    19/12/2013

    Hey I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now I am 18 about a year ago I feel pregnant with his baby and every sice then he has started to get nasty very slowly started off with him not getting out of bed till 1 in the afternoon when id try to wake him up id get told to f off , evry time I arsked him to get a job he would say tomorrow then we moved into our own flat he moved all of his stuff in (xbox , gameing chair extera) nothing in the flat was mine , then the baby was born we come home for the first time and he went to bed said he was tierd so I was up all night with the newborn , when id call him for help or even shout hed pretend he couldnt hear me . When I visit my mum he acuses me of being with other boys how can I be with other boys when I have a ba by :( he told me that the baby wernt his that it was his dads thats wrong? He would get angry and grab my arms hard somtimes shake me . Everythink he does wrong he blames on me , he says im a bad mum , makes me feel like I need him when I dont (or do i?) I try to get away from it but I allways end up back as I feel like I need him. I no im a good mum all my money goes on my baby I have had 2 jobs since my baby was born about a hour after we argue he will tell me he loves me and that hes sorry I come runing back (he dont mean it coz he does it again) he tells me he will change picks me back up makes me happy and then he just pushes me back down . I dont go anywhere as I get acused of doing stuff . He tell me to have sex with him then after I do he will argue with me! Why does he do this What do I do! Is this abuse

    Reply

    emma - 19/12/2013

    • Hi Emma,

      Thank you for your message. It sounds like you have a lot of stress in your life at the moment and I am pleased you have been able to contact this site and share what is happening to you. You don’t have to cope with this alone.

      Your partner is being abusive to you. From what you write he is being both emotionally and physically abusive.
      He is not giving you the support a new mother needs, he is claiming that you are being unfaithful and the child is not his and he is monitoring your access to people in your life. He is also assaulting you by grabbing your arms and shaking you and coercing you into sex.. A lot of these behaviours are illegal. You are in a domestically abusive relationship with a person who has shown repeatedly that they’re not going to change.

      Domestic abuse often gets worse when a woman gets pregnant. It sounds like this is what has happened with your partner. Can you discuss this with anyone in your life, friends or family or someone else you trust? If you can, try to share what is happening. The more people you have to support you the easier it will be for you to know what to do next.

      You can also call refuge to talk about what is happening if you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone you know. You can reach them on 0808 2000 247 - they are open 24 hours a day and will be able to give you some advice.

      It is important that you keep yourself and your child safe. We have a live chat open from 5-7 weekdays, you can get in touch if you want to talk more about this.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 21/12/2013

  • Beatrice

    19/12/2013

    I'm 14 and my boyfriend is 17 we have had sex before but I don't enjoy it I know it's not normal and I'd rather watch cartoons and eat chocolate with him but he nags and nags at me and if were alone in my room he'll lie on top of me so I can't move and when I become out of breath he starts but I don't put up a fight I'm to tired so I let him get in with It...

    Reply

    Beatrice - 19/12/2013

    • Hi Beatrice,

      Thank you for your message. It is a really big step to discuss what has been happening to you and I am pleased you have been strong enough to ask for support.

      If you are having sex when you do not want to that is very serious. If you are not saying ‘yes’ to sex and you are doing it because you are feeling coerced or pressured then this is rape. You are below the age of consent and your boyfriend is older then you so he is already committing a crime, even discounting the fact that he is physically forcing you into sex.

      It can be hard to stand up to someone when they are pressuring you, mentally and physically, to let them have sex with you. From what it sounds like from your message you do not want to have sex and your boyfriend is having sex with you against your will.

      Can you discuss this with anyone in your life, friends or family or someone else you trust? If you can, try to share what is happening. I understand that is a hard subject to talk about, so I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis who are open 12-2.30 & 7 –9.30 every day of the year. You can reach them on 0808 802 9999. You can speak to them in total confidence and they will be able to support you and help you decide what to do next.

      What is happening to you is not your fault and what your boyfriend is doing is a crime. You are not to blame for the situation you are in and you deserve some support to help you through this.

      We also have a live chat available 5-7 weeknights.

      Take care,

      Becca



      This is Abuse team 21/12/2013

  • dani

    17/12/2013

    Im 15 and have been with my older boyfriend for 3 weeks now. I practically always meet him. Im either with him or at school. I never have time for any of my mates. Being in my last year of econdary school i have lots of homework and coursework to do. If something cones up at home amd i cant meet my boyfriend i will let him know a.s.a.p. When i do tell him he gets angry ay me and starts sending me texts implying that he is really bored and that hes been “f***ing ditched“. Now im kind of scared to say i cant meet him :(. Whenever im not with him he wants to know where i am, who im with. He has asked me a few times when we are going to have sexual intercourse.... being only 15 im not really ready yet. I told him whenever the time is right. He sends me sexual texts that make me feel abit uncomfortable. Any advice?

    Reply

    dani - 17/12/2013

    • Hi Dani,

      Thanks for taking the time to contact us. It seems like a really difficult situation for you. It must make you feel quite upset.

      Your partner seems very controlling, and this is not acceptable. He shouldn't be making threats to end the relationship with you if you don't do certain things or if you can't see him. That is not a healthy relationship.

      It seems like you have made a really smart decision not to have sex with him until you are ready. As you are under 16 he would be breaking the law if he were to have sex with you and it would be considered rape. Nobody should pressure you in to having sex, and that can be quite scary. Lots of girls in your situation have sex with somebody when they do not feel ready and regret it for the rest of their lives. This is a first time experience, something that you will remember forever, so I'm glad you are waiting until you feel comfortable.

      A relationship should be supportive, he should not be pressuring you, saying things that upset you all the time, and he certainly shouldn't be telling you what you can and can't do. If he is making you feel unhappy then it might be worth considering what is best for you at the moment, and whether you wish to stay in this relationship.

      If you are worried about how he will act if you break up with him it might be helpful to talk to an adult you trust about the situation, and if he acts out then you have somebody to go to. If you feel that he is putting you in danger at any point then you can call 999.

      If you would like to talk a little bit more about what is happening then you can contact Childline on 0808 1111.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 19/12/2013

  • 06/12/2013

    Viva
    I'm 13, a couple of months ago I went camping with my boyfriend who was 16, we had never been intimate before that time, we had done stuff but we never went all the way, anyway we were cuddling and he asked me if I would have sex with him, I said no as I wasn't ready and he replied "if you loved me you would" I loved him so much so I said yes a couple of days later my friend found out, we had an argument and she called me a slut because of this, I just wanted to ask, does this make me a slut?

    Reply

    06/12/2013

    • Hi Viva,

      Thank you for getting in contact, it must have been really difficult for you. You are really brave to come forward with this.

      Being underage, it was illegal for your partner to have sex with you in first instance. And this is his responsibility, he has broken the law. The issue then becomes rape. Being under sixteen you cannot give permission for someone to have sex with you.

      Even if you were over sixteen, choosing to have sex is your decision, you should never feel pressured in to having sex. You have to give consent, and the notion around consent is that not saying no does not count as a yes. You do have to say yes.What your boyfriend did was not ok.

      It might be helpful for you to contact the Rape Crisis Helpline and talk through some of the issues that you may be left with. Their number is0808 802 9999. If you feel comfortable talking to an adult in your life about this it might be really helpful too.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 14/12/2013

    • Hi Viva

      Thanks for getting in touch and sharing this with us.I am sorry to hear that this has happened to you. Pressurizing someone to have sex is never okay, particularly given your age and the fact that you did not feel ready to have a sexual relationship yet - sex requires consent from both people involved without either one felling they 'have to'. Its no wonder you are feeling confused and upset about what has happened. This is not your fault. You are not responsible for someones else's behaviour. The comment by your friend is not helpful either and shows that she does not really understand what has happened to you. Of course you are not what she called you. Is there someone else you trust whom you could talk to about this - maybe your parents, a teacher, friend, youth worker?. Talking to someone will help you not feel so alone with this and they might be able to get you some support.

      Viva I also think it would be really helpful for you to look at a website that has loads of good information on it for young people about relationships. Its called respect not fear and the website is www.respectnotfear.co.uk.

      We have a live chat session Mon - Fri 5 -7 if you want to chat to us more about this
      take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team - 08/12/2013

    • Hi Viva
      Thanks for your message and getting in touch. This is not your fault and it is not okay to pressurize or force someone into having sex - this is rape. Sex should be something both partners are in agreement with and consent to. It must be very confusing and upsetting for you and the comment from your friend was not okay either as you are not responsible for what has happened. Perhaps you could find another friend or adult to talk to that you trust to see if they can help. There is a good website too that you can look at www.respectnotfear.co.uk which is just for young people and is all about relationships. If there is no one you feel able to talk to at the moment maybe try child-line on 0800 1111 as they have loads of experience in talking to young people and supporting them. Try and find someone you trust to talk to about what has happened. We also have a live chat session each evening 5 - 7 if you want to talk to us
      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team - 07/12/2013

  • 26/04/2013

    Kerry
    I was 15 and I had been with my boyfriend a year, we hadn't gone all the way sex wise but we'd done things, but we we're growing apart and I wasn't intrested in the sexual bit anymore, but he used to hold me down and force himself on me, then get upset and apologize. In the end I split with him and got with a new boy. I went all the way with him but then he turned nasty- he started to pressure me into sex and shout at me if I said no, he also began to shout at me for no reason and make me feel small, I split with him but still feel the affects sometimes... I just don't know what to do.

    Reply

    26/04/2013

    • Sorry to hear about your x boyfreand doing thingsblike that to you.
      have you cantacted the police becauce this could be taken two ways abusenlike you have sed and rape because he was forsing uou to do things you did not what to do

      david wood - 09/12/2013

    • Hi Kerry

      What’s happened to you is horrific and we are truly sorry to hear how you have suffered. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported. It’s important to understand that what happened was not your fault; there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

      We would urge you to find someone you trust to talk to - a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, it’s really important to speak up about what happened. You have the right to be safe, and help and support is out there.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 in confidence to talk; nothing is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline in confidence to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
      You can also speak to the police about the assault. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help – if you’re unsure you might find it helpful to talk to an expert who can tell you more about the process and what to expect before you make the call to the police. You can find details of suitable organisations on the Need Help page here - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help.

      If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, please call the police on 999.

      This Is Abuse team 26/04/2013

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