I am not surprised that you feel uncomfortable, rape is a very traumatic experience. Has anything like this ever happened before?
Has he done anything else that has worried you?
You can contact rape crisis, they are lovely and will be able to listen and offer you advice. http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
They have a freephone helpline
0808 802 9999 which is open from 12 - 2.30pm
and 7 - 9.30pm.
It is really important that you get some support to help you cope with this, we also have a live chat which runs every mon-fri 5-7pm if you want to talk more,
This is Abuse team - 19/02/2014
I was in a relashionship with my girlfriend for 3 years and slowly realised that she has been abusing me but I don't want to leave her what should I do and is it to late to get help
There are some specialist services to support people in abusive relationships whether they want to leave the relationship or not.
For women over 16 there is the National 24 Hour Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247.
For men there is the Men’s Advice Line 0808 802 0327.
For young people and children there is Child Line 0800 1111.
You are also very welcome to use the live chat function here to speak with one of our advisors from 5pm – 7pm Monday to Friday.
I am 16 now but when I was about 14 I went to my first party. It was my first time drinking so I got pretty drunk I live In a small town so I walked home but before I started to leave a boy ran up and forced me into a bedroom. He told me to take off my clothes but when I refused he held me down that is when it happened after that he left me and I went home and never told anyone but I was just wondering if it is not to late to tell someone
Thank you for your message. I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you.
It is never too late to tell anyone about rape or sexual assault, or indeed any kind of abuse. You are being really brave to want to get some help and to talk about it.
The best thing to do would be to ring rape crisis who are lovely and will be able to listen to you and help you if you want to talk to the police:
If you look on their website you can also email them or find a local service near to you.
How would you feel about telling someone in your family about what happened? I know that may feel scary but what happened was not your fault at all, and you will need some support in coping with what happened.
If you want to talk more to us we have a live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm.
I hope this helps,
This is Abuse team - 23/01/2014
I guess my boyfriend has been abusing me for about 4 months now. I thought he was just being passionate and stuff, but now I realize that he abuses me. We have a lot of sex, an often I don't want to. Sometimes he'll just stick his hand down my pants, ....then tell me to take my shirt off. if I say no, then he yanks my shirt off for me and he's always too rough in sex. I hate it, but I'm scared to leave him. Help?
Thank you for contacting us. I am really glad that you did as it sounds like your boyfriend is being very sexually abusive. If he is forcing you to have sex against your will then this is rape.
I understand that you feel too scared to leave him - is this because you are worried about what he might do?
Don't worry, there are lots of people who can help you. Have you told anyone about this? There is a really great organisation called Rape Crisis who can give you some advice and support. They will listen and believe you (and remember, none of this is your fault) - 0808 802 9999
If you do want to leave him, it is important that you do this safely: tell other people (like friends or family) what you plan to do (you don't need to tell them everything that has been happening) and try not to be on your own when you tell him. Make sure you are in a public place if you meet him in person. You may also need to change your phone number if you think he will try and contact you or harass you afterwards. You also need to think about whether he may contact you online (you can block him from facebook/email etc).
I know this feels scary, but you deserve to be safe and you do not have to cope with this alone. You can also come onto our live chat which we run every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk to us more,
This is Abuse team - 20/01/2014
I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years know, and I noticed signs of abuse just before I went away to university. I had always felt controlled, but this is when it got serious. I was too scared to tell him I was going away for definite, so it caused me to lie and say I might be changing university. I didn't want him to leave me! When eventually I told him I was definitely going away, it was horrible. I was trying to pack and get all my work done, but he would call me and call me and call me and make me promise that I would never break his trust, never go drinking without him, never meet up with people without him. I agreed because I didn't want to upset him. When I eventually got to university, he told me if I rang and I didn't pick up then he would leave me, if I didn't reply to a text then he would leave me. I wasn't allowed to go into my kitchen if guys were there or to make friends with girls either in case they were bad influences and made me want to go out. I lost contact with all of my school friends because he hated me talking to them and not him in the evenings, he hated me seeing them because he thought they would persuade me to leave him.
I suffered all of this for a year of university, but the main thing was him not letting me see or talk to my mum. He thinks that she is trying to break us up all of the time, when really she is just concerned about me and my health and my studies. I ended up changing university to live at home so I could see him more and he wouldn't worry about me being with guys every evening. I try and hide my phone because I am worried someone will message me who he doesn't know about or want me to talk to. I have ended up having a second life, as I am not allowed to make friends. I am not allowed to add friends on facebook, and I have to tell him who is at home when I'm home, what I'm doing, where I am.
When I am with him I am madly in love with him, but when I'm not i feel like I have a surveillance camera attached to my head and that I have to tread on egg shells. He is never physically abusive but I feel stuck in a box. I have found someone that I like, who knows all of this, but I am too scared to think about leaving him. I love him too much to hurt him, but the relationship is affecting my health.
Am I silly for being in love with him after him making me give up my life, friends and hobbies for him? Am I silly for being scared to leave him and hurt him? Is it so wrong that I have found someone else?
I am so ashamed of my life, I don't know what to do next.
To everyone who has posted.. you are all so brave and strong. what you have been through is awful, but there is help out there along with support you dont have to suffer alone or in silence. abuse of any kind is wrong. just please tell someone especially a teacher or youth worker because they will help you.
best wishes to every single one of you
emily - 06/02/2014
Thank you for your message, I am so glad you got in touch. What you are describing is very concerning as your boyfriend has total control over you and is being very emotionally abusive. He does not have the right to control who you talk to, where you go or what you do. You should not fee you have to have a second life.
You say that you live at home again, is that with your mum? Does she know what has been happening? I know you said she was concerned.
I want you to know that none of this is your fault, and I don't think you are silly at all. It is very common to still love someone even though they are abusive but I am glad that you recognise it is affecting your health - abuse can be incredibly traumatic and the impacts of it can last for a long time.
It is also not silly to be scared to leave him, this is also a common feeling, and I also don't think it is wrong that you have feelings for someone else who represents a life where you are not controlled and abused.
It is very important that other people know about what is going on in order to keep you safe and give you space to talk. This can be family/friends/uni tutor/counsellor etc
I think it is also a good idea to contact some specialist support. You can contact the helpline on 0808 2000 247 (24 hours/day) or if you want to write back with your rough location we can email you local service info.
We also have a live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm.
What is happening to you is serious, but you do not have to go through it alone,
I hope this helps
I have been with my partner for 2 years now. He has been physically abusing me on occasions in the second half of the relationship. He has bitten me, pulled my hair, strangled me, dragged me around locked me in his room telling me I can't leave, kicked me and burnt me with a cigarette, though he is usually careful not to leave any long lasting marks. He is always accusing me of looking at or talking to other boys, but I have found messages on his phone to 3 other girls saying that he loves them and asking them to meet up so they can be together. He always apologises afterwards saying he doesn't know what came over him and that he loves me. If he didn't love me, why would he keep coming back to me? Why didn't he run away with the other girls? I have given up my friends, my grades and going out with other people for him. When he is not abusive he is the nicest person you could ever meet... It's like being with two completely different people, I don't know why I keep going back, I am completely intoxicated by him. Is there something wrong with me?
I am really glad you got in touch as what you are going through is serious abuse and I am very concerned about you.
Your partner is being very physically and emotionally abusive and this can be very dangerous.
I understand that sometimes he can seem lovely and apologises, but that does not make up for how he treats you the rest of the time.
There is nothing wrong with you, none of this is your fault.
I know you said you have given up on your friends for him but I am wondering if there is anyone you can talk to about this, maybe a family member? Someone at school or college? It is really important that other people know as this will help you and help to keep you safe.
You can always call the police or you can ring the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 - they are open 24 hours a day.
We also have a live chat on here every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk more.
I am very concerned about you and I really hope that you are able to contact one of the above options as you don't have to go through this alone.
Hi, I'm 19 I have a relation for 2 years but I can't take it anymore. I can't wear anything I like. My boyfriend it's just mad, he is extremely jealous I can't have any friend. I want to leave him but he is just kind of forcin me to sty. What to do??? Please help. Thanks
It is not ok for your boyfriend to control what you wear and who you see. Does anyone else know what has been going on? It helps to keep you safe if you are able to talk to family, friends or maybe someone else you trust? Someone at college/work/GP etc.
Abuse is all about one person having power and control over another, so he will not want you to leave but there are lots of people who can help you safely with this. If you do decide to leave him, try not to do this alone and make sure you are somewhere public. You may have to change your phone number, online passwords etc in case he tries to contact you as well as making sure you are not out alone and planning what to do if you see him.
You can also come to our live chat service mon-fri from 5-7 if you want to talk more.
Hi, i am 19 I have a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. I am really desperate I don't know what to do. My boyfriend gets verry jealous on me for not reason. I can't have any friends. He always cheks my fon. If I have a masaje when I'm with him he is the one who checks it or a fon call which is not from my family. I'm even afraid to email u. When he'll find out I can't imagine. He always complains about the clothes I am wearing. For example now I'm in the hospital he doesn't let me wear pijamas even. I legt him many times but he is coming take me back to his house. Please I need help. Thank u.
I know it is difficult for you to speak to people without your partner finding out, but I think it would be really helpful for you to contact the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247, or come and talk to one of our advisors on our live chat sessions on this site, Monday-Friday 5pm-7pm.
This is Abuse team - 12/01/2014
hi i have been with my partner for almost a year in that year i have had 2 miscarriages and under gone tons of stress. the reasons for my stress is because my partner forced sex upon me she i didn't want it. he says he was joking around and his sorry. he hits me constantly, shouts at me, won't let go out on my own I'm 19 years old and i don't no what to do he won't let me leave the relationship i don't want to but it is a last resort. what can i do is this abuse
Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of courage to speak out about being domestically abused. You have done that here, this is the first step towards getting some support so you don’t have to cope alone with the stress you are under.
Your partner is attacking you, raping you and controlling you, to the point that you feel that there is no way out of the situation. You have had a very hard time, having two miscarriages would be upsetting even without the additional abuse. You are being very strong to cope with this.
What you describe in your message is defiantly abuse and is against the law. Rape and domestic violence are serious crimes. What is happening to you is not your fault, you are not to blame for what has happened. Your partner has chosen to be abusive and is not taking responsibility for his actions. You cannot change him but you can try to keep yourself safe by getting the support that you deserve.
Do the people around you know about his abuse? Is this something you can talk about with friends or family? If so tell them how you are feeling and what is happening, the more people you have supporting you, the easier it will be fore you to decide what to do next. If you need to speak to some you don’t know you can call the 24 hour helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can discuss more practical matters with them, about what is available for you if you leave the relationship, as well as emotional support for you.
In your message you write about being raped by your partner. That’s very hard and can have lasting effects on a person. As you have not had any support for this I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). If you have someone supporting you it will be easier for you to make the next move towards recovery and get yourself some specialist help for what you have been through.
We also have a live chat available 5-7 weeknights.
Take care, Becca
I am 19 and my boyfriend of nearly a year and half is 29. I have a son from a previous abusive relationship which I finally got the courage to leave him after nearly three years of emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Anyway I thought I hit the jackpot finding my current partner who was willing to take on my son and I felt comfortable enough to tell him about the abuse I had suffered. I cant say things were overly good at any point as in the beginning of the relationship he mostly went out drinking with friends but I made it clear I wad looking to settle down into a family life and he changed and didn't go out all the time and we started to be a family and things were good for a while but then I found out that he had been sending dirty messages to other girls and found out that he is a compulsive liar and lies about everything, big and small and when we have a disagreement which he turned into an argument by saying that the dirty messages were a 'laugh' he would just go off out drinking and ignore me and then repeatedly phone me at stupid o'clock in the morning. Anyway I'm an idiot and I stayed with him and now things have gotten worse and we actually fight. I found out about yet another lie and I confronted him and tried to talk to him and express my feeling but he gets all defensive and syarts arguing and pointing the finger at me and shouting in my face. Since my last relationship I promised myself that I wouldn't let anyone push me around and so I push him away from me and try to get away from the situation but he pins me down, pushes me around, takes my phone, takes my car keys, takes my house keys and when I've tried to lock myself in our bathroom he has actually broke the door and then told me that it was all my fault, he's done that three/four times. He's punched my legs, grabs me so hard I'm covered in bruises, he grabs my boobs really hard when we are arguing and I've been left with bruises there too, he's slapped me, hit my head off of things, thrown things at me and called me me a slag, a slut and a whore. Accuses me of cheating, dictates who I can and who I can't talk too and who I can and can't see. Worst of all he blames me for it all, he says that if I weren't such an over sensitive whatever then it wouldn't have happened etc etc. He blames me to the point where I think that maybe it is all my fault and maybe there js something wrong with me. I've been crying so much and fighting back like trying to get him off and away from me that I've just collapsed in a heap struggling to breath and he's told me that I'm just pathetic and I need to grow up and get a grip. He threatens to phone my mum all the time too although he has never followed through on it. I tried to stay strong and stand up for myself and fight back as much as I could but now I'm just deep into a pit of depression and self harm thinking the only way out is suicide. I feel like I'm just in too deep. I've tried to leave him but he just throws my clothes around and away from me and won't let me. My son is really attached to him and calls him dad and I feel so guilty about that. I really don't know what to do or where I can turn.. I know this relationship is just toxic but I feel so trapped. Am I crazy? Is it my fault? I really don't know anymore.
I am so glad you got in touch and I am very concerned about you.
Firstly, I want to reassure you that none of this is your fault. Abusers are very good at denying responsibility for their abuse and blaming their victims. You have done nothing wrong and are certainly not an idiot. It must be awful having been through an abusive relationship before.
It is really important that you get support, you do not have to go through this alone.
Does anyone in your family or any friends know what has been happening? Often if other people know, it can help keep you safer.Perhaps you could think about talking to a health visitor or doctor?
You can always call the police on 999 if you are scared - they will take this very seriously, and you can ring the national domestic violence helpline 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247 - they can give you advice and also tell you about local services and refuges. Please do contact them.
I am also concerned that you are self-harming and thinking about suicide. I understand how awful this is and if you are feeling like this I really want you to get some support. There is an amazing organisation called Papyrus who help people who are feeling suicidal. They have a helpline and you can also email or text them. http://www.papyrus-uk.org/
0800 068 41 41
SMS: 07786 209697
Please do contact them if you are feeling suicidal. You have been so strong this far, and now you can get the support you need to stay safe.
I know that your son is attached to him, but being around someone who is abusing his mum could really affect him. You both deserve to be safe and happy.
If you want to talk more please come to our live chat service here every mon-fri from 5-7.
This is very serious but there is help here for you,
Dear Fallen - Angel,
Thank you for your message. I can hear just how overwhelmed and confused you by the situation you are in. You have been really strong to reach out for support here. You don’t have to cope with what is happening alone, you have made the first step towards getting help by writing here.
You are in an extremely abusive relationship and you have been really strong to cope with what happened to you. If you are feeling like you have run out of energy and can’t se a way out that’s understandable, but there are ways out. You are in a frightening relationship and have been raising a child in that situation for a long time. What is happening is not your fault – you have done nothing to cause this abuse. You are not crazy or oversensitive. Your partners have abused you because they are abusive, it is nothing to do with you or the way you behave or are.
You say you have depression and are self harming and thinking of ending your life. I can see from that how much want things to change for you and your son. Have you been able to talk about this abuse with anyone? Your mum, other family, friends? If not I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take. You are very isolated at the moment so no wonder you feel trapped. If you have some support you will feel less daunted. If you are in immediate danger, you can call the police.
Are you seeing your GP for your depression? You could mention how you are feeling to them and what is going on at home. If you are feeling like ending your life this is something you could discuss with them and they could refer you to specialist support.
What is happening to you is not ok. You deserve to be treated with love and care, not abuse. If you want more information you can also look on this website.
We also have a live chat from 5-7 weekdays if you need some more support.
I have been with my partner for nine years and we have two children together. When we got together it was great but soon went bad he started to go out with his friends drinking and staying out all weekend then coming home and calling me horrible names and spiriting at me. Then when he had sobered up he would say sorry. He has also hit me badly and left me then he will come back and say sorry and say it was my fault and I would believe it was my fault. He calls me stupid and ugly and makes me nervous about everything I don't no what to do
Thanks for your message, It sounds like a very difficult and abusive relationship.
I think that you need to get some support for you and your children (who will also be affected by this),. You can call the national helpline anytime on 0808 2000 247 and they can give you some advice about local support services. They can also help you go to a refuge if you wanted to.
It is also important to tell other friends and family so you don't have to cope alone. I want you to know that none of this is your fault, abusers always blame other people (usually the person they are abusing) for their behaviour. Also, the alcohol he is using is not an excuse for the abuse.
Please think about contacting the helpline, there are some excellent services out there who can help you and your children.
Hi, I was with a bloke for 10 years, we are no longer together. He used to cause arguments over sex and tell me I should want to make him happy, even if I was not feeling like it. He never forced me but made me feel like I had to do it to keep the peace. On one occasion I was woken by him actually inside me and I felt violated as I was sleeping :/ I was just wondering if this was classed as rape as I didn't consent. I stopped him and he did stop. He hated me having friends and tried his hardest to end my friendships. He says he didnt stop me going out, but would cause an argument before I left, then text me all night while I was out. I'm glad I'm out of it now, but was just wondering if you could answer my question. Thank
Thanks for your message, I am glad you are no longer in the relationship as it sounded very abusive sexually and emotionally.
I'm happy to answer your question and I am sure many other people will have similar concerns.
Ok, even if someone does not force you to have sex physically, by making you feel like you have t,o to keep the peace, is sexual pressure and and he is not getting your consent. This page gives more detail on this:
By having sex with you when you are sleeping, this is rape as he did not have your consent. I am glad that he stopped when you asked him to, but this does not change the fact that it was rape to begin with. I know this may be hard to hear now.
Your partner was also emotionally abusive and controlling, I am wondering how you are feeling now? If you feel you need some support to deal with what happened, there are lots of support agencies on our help pages: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help
I hope this helps,
I was emotionally, psychologically, physically, emotionally and financially abused by my partner of 6 years. I think I did not realise what it was a first because he is a police officer.
I felt sure he wasn't abusing me because of his job. I cannot face reporting him because it will be looked into by his friends, peers and colleagues.
I would really like to hear from anyone else in same circumstances as it might help me pluck up the courage to report it.
Thank you for your message I can hear that you are very confused about the way you are being treated and I am pleased you have felt able to share your story here, you have shown a lot of strength.
Have you been able to talk about his with anyone in your life? Family or friend? If you are in an abusive relationship so I would encourage you to seek some help. You can call the 24-hour domestic violence helpline (0808 2000 247) and discuss your options there. You could also look on the website for support. http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/
I was in a mentally abusive relationship and marriage for many..I'm now been out of this situation for a few years and have recently found out the woman my husband is now with is going through the same thing...I so want to help but don't know how?
Thank you for your message. I can hear how difficult this must be for you seeing someone in the situation you have escaped in this situation. You are obviously want to assist t her, which is important, as she needs people around her that will be understanding and not judge her while in this relationship. Which is what you would be able to do.
Is this woman someone you have a relationship with? If she is then you can let her know that you understand what she is going through and you can be there for her. You can also point her to services that can offer support, such as this website and the 24 hour domestic abuse helpline (0808 2000 247)
If she is not someone you have a relationship with and you approach her and she feels she has to defend her partner, even when he is wrong, it may not make her open to discussing the situation with you. You can make it known that if she does not want to talk about it you are there for her. It may be difficult to see but only she can end the relationship in her own time.
As she is in a relationship with your ex is this safe for you to do? It is important that you keep yourself safe in this situation, as you have already had to overcome the abuse you went through in your marriage. If you would like any specialist support for what you went through this website is a good place to look
I have been single only 2 months after a extremely turbulent relationship, it was only 8 months which started out brilliant for the first month or so but it was so intense and he was such a charmer and would take me to dinner and treat me making me feel so special, taking me on trips away but then he had a close female friend, i met her and she was lovely but when i wanted him to come to a family do, he decided to go out to dinner with her instead.
I was upset, i even asked if i could come along but he didnt want me there, he had even told me before hand that he had feelings for her so of course i felt a bit uncomfortable about it.
He would get drunk and accuse me of not trusting him and that i was crazy and insanely jealous, a dickhead, a childish brat.
I gave him another chance because she apologized and said he was drunk and said he understood why i felt like i did but all i wanted was to be included but he said he wouldnt see her anymore, i told him i didnt want him not to see his friends but he was adamant that he wanted to.
After that.. most weekends were spent with him getting drunk and whenever we argued he would say how much he resented me for stopping him seeing his female friend.. i never stopped him ever..
He would tell me how he flirted with girls and how they flirted with him, if i got upset about it, he would start shouting at me telling me to get out of his apartment and that it was meant to be funny and i shouldnt be upset.
He would criticize me on how my voice sounded.. if i got upset, he would say "you should see yourself... look at yourself!.. your hysterical"
I was crying and i had a cold so my nose was running, he wiped it all over my face and started laughing and told me to grow the f**k up.
He would make promises and never keep them, he wouldnt turn up and meet me, he would switch his phone off or on silent and if i tried to call him he waould ignore / reject the calls and then have a go at me that my calling / texting was freaking me out and that i should get a life of my own.
He cheated on me while i was away on holiday.. that was the worst time ever going through that hurt... i turned to professional help because i actually believed i was insane/ crazy and useless.
I stupidly took him back after he cheated.. he begged me, stalked me and phoned me nonestop, i loved him and i gave him yet another chance to which he wined me and dined me, bought me beautiful gifts and even talked about getting engaged! Those 2 weeks were blissful but then one night i calmly asked him who the other lady was (he kept checking his phone alot and kept wanting to go off for a walk on his own, if ever i asked to join him, he would say" cant i have some space? chill the f**k out) he went mad when i asked him who the other woman was and shouted at me "shut the f**k up! your making me very angry now as you always do.. GET OUT!!! he started throwing things at me and coming up into my face shouting.. i was scared and felt very threatened.
I dont know what he would have done the longer i stayed with him but i wouldnt put it passed him to lash out at me.
I still miss him now but i dont miss the pain or the hurt / anxiety i went through... i feel alot better in myself now and have some really good friends who have helped me through this.. its been a very rough year and hope i will never have to go through this again.
He never hit me, i know... but i often worried he might have done if i had moved in with him