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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Takeaway

Is insulting and threatening a partner abuse?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Zoe's story
  • Party
  • School

Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?

what do you think? share your opinions

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Experts from Young People’s Services of Respect and AVA are reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 60 - 75 of 169

  • Tamara

    14/12/2012

    i was 12, so was he.
    we were in my bedroom. no-ones home. That day he raped me. I WAS 12 i became pregnant, once i had lost the baby, one month after, my dad suddenly died.
    i am mentally scared. being raped was hard enough, but, me having to suffer the consequences so great as becoming pregnant alone.
    i couldnt cope, i started cutting myself. thinking life couldnt get any better. then it got worse. my dad died, i was still 12. I want to kill myself, i have nothing left.

    Thats what i thought until a boy in my form saved my life.
    i had it all planned i was going to get away, and kill myself. then. he stopped me. he stopped me 3 weeks ago.
    Im in a bad way, with nothing and nobody to help me.

    Reply

    Tamara - 14/12/2012

    • you shouldnt feel that way. go and see someone that can help you your so brave.
      nobody should have to go through that and you was just 12 everything will work out eventually dont give up x

      em - 15/12/2012

    • Hi Tamara,

      We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past.

      We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
      If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 14/12/2012

  • Oliver

    13/12/2012

    I was sexually assaulted by a girl much older than me. I was 14 at the time and she was 16. I felt very uncomfortable with her forcing her self upon me. She overpowered me and made me do sexual things with her which I did not agree to.

    This has caused me very acute problems mentally and I'm worried it may re-occur. I'm also have horrific re-occurring nightmares of this incident. Every time she sees me she stares at me threateningly and routinely harasses me routinely via Email, Mobile and social networking.

    What should I do?

    Reply

    Oliver - 13/12/2012

    • I know how you feel Oliver. The same thing happened to me but your not alone. You can always talk to someone who can help. Stay strong

      Lucy - 17/12/2012

    • Hi Oliver

      If you're a young man who's experiencing violence at the hands of your female partner (and this may include being pressured into sexual activities you don't want) then it may be especially hard for you to tell someone. Some people have told us that they would feel less manly if someone knew that were being abused by a girl, that it would be shameful. And others have told us about situations where their female partner threatened to tell authorities that they were being abused by them in order to keep them silent. Talking about what's happening is really important and you can get help if your partner is violent, controlling or sexually abusive. Try talking to a trusted adult. If you don’t think you can do this, you can speak in confidence by calling the helpline for males experiencing domestic abuse. Call freephone 0808 801 0327, email info@mensadviceline.org.uk or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk

      SurvivorsUK supports adult men over the age of 18 who have experienced sexual violation at any time in their lives. They offer a helpline for male survivors, their friends, family and carers on 0845 1221201 (Mon/Tues 7-9.30pm and Thurs 12-2.30pm) and a London based counselling service offering low cost individual counselling and group therapy: www.survivorsuk.org / info@survivorsuk.org

      Dudley Safe and Sound partnership have also produced a video which provides advice for male victims of relationship abuse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      Tempero Moderation 14/12/2012

  • Jane

    11/12/2012

    there was this boy i had thought was attractive for a while and we were staying in a hotel, i told him i didnt want to sleep with him but he said i should take advantage of being in a hotel and he wasn't going to tell anyone. After about 3 hours of me saying no i gave in and slept with him. He wasn't violent which is why i thought it was okay, but now i'm not sure?

    Reply

    Jane - 11/12/2012

    • Hi Jane,

      Thank you for your message.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      Tempero Moderation 11/12/2012

  • Ella

    09/12/2012

    Hey, my boyfriend was like this i used to use my mannors when i was talking to someone then her used to pull me back and say i was a slut and a tramp he was very two faced and mean :( But i stood up for my self and called the police :D

    Reply

    Ella - 09/12/2012

  • Stacey

    06/12/2012

    Why are all these videos only boys treating girls badly? Surely it's not only boyfriends who treat their girlfriends badly, girls can be in the wrong as much as boys can

    Reply

    Stacey - 06/12/2012

    • mmmm indead u are very right about that, ive seen ads on tc about it and all about that.
      But really boys atually are in the wrong because we are stronger and should stand up for areselves and i mean walking away and not trying to fight back.

      sam - 11/12/2012

    • Hi Stacey,

      Thanks for your feedback. We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.

      We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp

      Tempero Moderation 06/12/2012

  • Magna

    05/12/2012

    Can males be raped by females?

    Reply

    Magna - 05/12/2012

    • The law says that rape can only be committed by a man as for the offence to be committed there must be intentional penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus of another person with a penis. A woman can be convicted of sexual assault, which includes other sexual acts (e.g. intentional penetration of the vagina or anus of another person with a part of her body or an object). Both are crimes and can result in imprisonment. You can read more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult

      Tempero Moderation 05/12/2012

  • Jacob

    03/12/2012

    Sorry, but this is so one sided, all these videos are making the boys look like the bad guys D:

    Reply

    Jacob - 03/12/2012

    • Thanks for your feedback. We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.

      We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken Rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp

      This Is Abuse team 03/12/2012

  • anon

    03/12/2012

    I was with my boyfriend for a month. I'm 14 and he was 17. We startied kissing and stuff, and to be honest I was scared of him. He was really strong+he had a darker side to him. He started trying to put his hand up my top,I let him, hoping it was just a little feel or something but he started being really rough. He stopped when he saw tears rolling down my cheeks, he didnt speak to me the rest of the time i was at his and just played the Xbox,I never went back to his after that and broke up with him over facebook..He still scares me when i see him in the streets and he gives me freaky looks, he keeps messaging me on fb and i cant ignore him..Help?

    Reply

    anon - 03/12/2012

    • Hi

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If you're feeling scared of what this person might do and if they're making frequent unwanted contact, then it's essential that you find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you feel you are in danger, call the police on 999 at any time. You can also ring the The National Stalking Helpline on 0808 802 0300 or visit: www.protectionagainststalking.org/node/22

      This Is Abuse team - 03/12/2012

  • 03/12/2012

    lucy
    Hi Lucy

    Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you donât feel comfortable with is unacceptable and is a crime.

    If you have been put under pressure to have sex when you donât want to, try and find someone you trust to talk to. It's important that you talk to someone even if this incident did happen some time ago. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you trust.

    If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

    You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, or chat to a counsellor online.

    If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel in immediate danger, call 999.

    Reply

    03/12/2012

    • This Is Abuse team - 03/12/2012

    • Hi Lucy

      We are sorry to hear that this happened to you. Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activities when you don't want to is a crime.

      It is important that, even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been sexually assaulted or raped. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      This Is Abuse team - 03/12/2012

  • Chloe

    01/12/2012

    i was going out with this lad for 6 months, he took me away for a while at his flat, he started to control me,started me smoking&drinking,he controlled the way i looked,told me what to wear. he told me that we should have sex, i didnt want to because i hadn't done it before.he told me i was ready and said if you love me you'll do it, i really did love him. he pushed me on to the bed and started kissing me, i kept saying no and tryed to push him off me but he wouldnt stop or listen i pushed him off me and he grabbed my arm, he really hurt me,he threw me back on the bed and he made me have sex wit him, a few days later he took me home, he told me to send him pictures of myself, i really didnt want to, but he said that if i didnt he'd dump me, i didnt want him to because i thought i loved him, so i sent him a picture, the next day i went to school and everyone started to whisper about me and stare at me,everywhere i went i school someone would stare at me, my friend came up to me and showed me the picture on her phone, i knew he had sent it round to everyone, i got so upset, i couldnt go back to school, i was bullied, i knew what i had to do, so i went to my boyfriends house, i was going to dump him but he said that if i did,hed tell everyone that i was fridged, i didnt really want that but i realised that i didnt care, so i dumped him, i also oved to a different town, im starting over in my life, i dont want anything to do with him anymore, and i havent heard from him since i dumped him.

    Reply

    Chloe - 01/12/2012

    • Hi Chloe

      I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. It can be very hard to leave an abusive relationship - no matter what kind.

      It's not acceptable for someone to try to control you and stop you doing certain things or make you do things you don’t want to in the way that your ex boyfriend did.

      You say you have moved away now, but it's really important that to try to find someone you trust to talk to about what happened to you. It can be a friend, teacher, parent or youth worker. Or you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, and chat to a counsellor online.

      This Is Abuse team - 02/12/2012

  • ANONYMOUS

    01/12/2012

    I met a guy that goes to my school when he started chatting to me on facebook. He's two years older than me and I know he's who he says he is. He wants to meet up and we chat all day online, and I want to meet up with him - but I don't know what to say to my parents because I've never had a boyfriend and i'm scared about how they might react. What should I do?

    Reply

    ANONYMOUS - 01/12/2012

    • Hi

      Having a boyfriend or girlfriend for the first time is really exciting, but it's important to stay safe and happy.

      Try and talk to your parents about what you're feeling, and if that's not possible find someone else you trust - it can be a friend, youth worker or other relative you feel comfortable with.

      If you want further relationship advice you can go to http://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/SexRelationships/Pages/Relationships.aspx or call Childline on 0800 1111 where you can speak to a trained adviser about any problem or question you have.

      This Is Abuse team 03/12/2012

  • 25/09/2012

    xxx
    i've been with my boyfriend just over a year im 17 and have just broke up with him due to him slapping me punching me and just hurting me. I am finally out but its not over. he wont leave me alone we attend the same college but i havent seen him yet.

    He rings me all the time and texts. changed my number but he still gets hold of it. He has threatened to self harm himself and he has done, its not fair.

    i care for him but i shouldnt have to deal with all this pain all the time. I want to live my own life and get on with my own education how do i get rid of him?

    Reply

    25/09/2012

    • May seem hard to leave him but you and Joe are not made for eachother.

      xxxx - 04/12/2012

    • I just ended up going back with him because he self harmed himself and I ended up giving in. I guess im happy at times. just don't know when he will next kick off.

      xxx - 27/09/2012

    • Hello,
      Thanks for your message.
      Staying in a relationship where you are being emotionally and physically abused could cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence. An abusive, violent or controlling relationship is not normal or acceptable; nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour and if the continued harrassment is making you worried you need to speak to a trusted adult. You have certainly taken the right steps so far and understand that it is not at all easy.
      It sounds as though the behaviour is persistent and clearly unwanted and is causing you fear, harassment or anxiety, which becomes stalking and you should not have to live with it.

      Try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
      You need to talk about being affected affected by self-harm (when someone hurts or injures them self). There are people who understand, and who can help your ex-boyfriend to stop hurting himself.

      Alternatively you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      You can also go to: http://www.selfharm.org.uk/default.aspa where you can find out more about self-harm and get advice.
      The Samaritans may also be able to help, take a look at their website at http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ or email jo@samaritans.co.uk. You can also call the Samaritans helpline on 08457 909090.



      This Is Abuse team 27/09/2012

  • 22/09/2012

    Anonymous
    Thisisabuse i think you are sexist all your videos are all about boys bullying girls into sex. Girls do it to you know girls do it to real men like me who have respect for women.

    Reply

    22/09/2012

    • Thanks for your feedback. We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.
      We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      This Is Abuse team 27/09/2012

  • chloe

    30/08/2012

    im getting blackmailed into having sex by a 23 year old, im only 14, i dont no what to do.. if i dont do it he says he will tell everyone, please help me, im scared but i cant tell anyone?

    Reply

    chloe - 30/08/2012


    • Dear Chloe,

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this is not your fault. Additionally in England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales you have to be 16 or older to have homosexual sex and therefore the law would see this as sexual assault - it's a criminal offence. This is because in the eyes of the law you are unable to give informed consent to sex when still a child. So a boy who has sex with a girl under 16 (17 in Northern Ireland) is breaking the law. Even if she agrees.

      If you are still being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to, its important to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. You need to explain the pressure you are under and they will be able to help.
      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      This Is Abuse team 03/09/2012

  • lizzie

    05/05/2012

    i'm 12 and my ex boyfriend made have sex with him and he go me pregnant and i felt scared when he did it to me

    Reply

    lizzie - 05/05/2012

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Results: 60 - 75 of 169

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