Takeaway
Is insulting and threatening a partner abuse?
Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?
Is insulting and threatening a partner abuse?
Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?
Please read and accept these rules below before commenting. All of the comments you post on this website are treated confidentially and moderated.
Stay safe – don't include any personal information in your comments, such as your surname, email address, street address and phone number.
Don't include the personal details of anyone else in your posts (including boyfriend/girlfriend, parents, guardians, teachers, social workers or group leaders).
Don't go off topic - keep your comments relevant to the "This Is Abuse" debate. People want their opinions to be heard – don't shout them down.
Don't post crude, racist, offensive, violent or vulgar messages to the site.
Treat everyone with respect – even if someone has a different view to your own, don't let it get personal.
Don't glamorise illegal or dangerous activities, including violence of any kind. It's ok to talk about your experiences but you shouldn't encourage others to do anything illegal or dangerous.
Don't write anything that's untrue about anyone else (including boyfriend/girlfriend, parents, guardians, teachers, social workers, group leaders and famous people). Don't write anything that could harm anyone else's reputation.
This isn't a dating site – it's a platform to talk about teenage relationship abuse and your opinions on the matter; don't use it to meet or flirt with other people.
Don't write everything in CAPS – it's the equivalent of shouting and isn't polite or easy for everyone to read.
Don't post entire messages in text speak – it's ok to shorten some words but not everyone understands text speak or finds it easy to read.
It's ok to post links to other websites as long as they're relevant to the "This Is Abuse" debate and don't break the house rules in any way.
Don't break copyright rules. This means that you shouldn't post text you didn't write.
Kirsty
20/12/2012
I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 9 months now, but he lives in Scotland and i live in England, the last time I seen him we had sex but he is 16 and I'm only 15 is this illegal?
ReplyKirsty - 20/12/2012
Hi Kirsty,
Thanks for your post.
Please do not feel pressured by the geographical distance between you and your boyfriend to enter into sexual activity on the rare occasions you do see him.
It's a fact that the average age for having sex for the first time is 16, the legal age, and many people prefer to wait until they’re older. If your boyfriend cares for you, he will understand why you want to wait. Please remember, you always have the right to withhold consent.
Sexual relationships also come with consequences; risks like unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. You say that your boyfriend is 16, and you are 15, which means that it's against the law for you to have sex and that he could be charged with rape.
You may find it helps just to find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you feel comfortable with. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Lusie
19/12/2012
Since i was 4, I've been abused but when i got to eight, rape started and went on until they were locked up three weeks ago.
ReplyI'm 15 and im sure there will still be occasions, but i hope one day it'll stop because I already have a child and am pregnant. I will be haunted forever :'(
Lusie - 19/12/2012
Hi Lusie,
Thanks for your post.
We are sorry to hear about what happened to you, it takes courage to confront and overcome something so traumatic as long-term sexual abuse. We think it is important that even though your abuser is behind bars, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
It's important that you find someone to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
Emily
19/12/2012
Well last week I decided to meet a boy we talked on BBM and Facebook one day he said he was gonna take me to his house but then we came across an empty forest.
ReplyHe forced me on my Knees and tried to do things, I said no but he forced my mouth open.
I tried to kill myself and now everyone says I'm a slut. Its so hard at school cos nobody knows the REAL story.
Emily - 19/12/2012
Hi Emily,
Thanks for your message. We were concerned to read about what happened to you.
You have taken the first step by confronting this painful episode, but from what you have told us, you now need to put the blame where it belongs, with the abuser.
Being forced or pressured to take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Whatever the circumstances of your meeting, this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
It's crucial that you try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker ,or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. Help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.
If you are feeling suicidal or particularly distressed, you should know there are people who understand, and who can help you deal with the problems you are going through.
The Samaritans may be able to help. Take a look at their website:
http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ or email jo@samaritans.co.uk. You can also call the Samaritans helpline on 08457 909090.
kate
19/12/2012
Hi my name is Kate
Replyat the moment I'm 16 but when i was 14 i had the sweetest boy friend in the world he kissed me we laughed we had a good time...
but one day me and him were out at my friends party he shoved me into a corner he said he was going to have sex tonight i said with who? i asked
he looked at me and said with you i was sooooo scared and i said no but he just took me up stairs and took off my jeans i said STOP and he swore at me and hit me round the face and he got a condom and raped me.
I felt so scared and alone so he was raping me when my friend heard me crying for him to stop she came up and shoved my "boyfriend" away and got me dressed and ran out with me
i never spoke to him again
kate - 19/12/2012
Hi Kate,
Thank you for posting.
We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.
Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
No matter how long ago this happened please find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with.
It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
Lucy
17/12/2012
When I was in year six my cousin introduced me to someone who was a few years older than us.
ReplyWhat I didn't know was that my cousin wanted to date his mates girlfriend so he was offering me up as a substitute. Then when my cousin went to the toilets his friend made a move, I tried to get away and told him not to touch me but he kept on touching me.
I didn't tell anyone for two years and then I tried to kill myself. I'm ok now, me and my cousin don't speak anymore. I just needed someone to turn too but I felt so alone
Lucy - 17/12/2012
Hi Lucy, thanks for your post.
We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
Ying Yin
17/12/2012
I never been through this yet because I know what will happen when you get a girlfriend or boyfriend at a young age like 10 to 12. Even worst if they are older than you. They know much more and how to make up lies quicker. Another thing is if you really like or love that person and they ask you to do things like this and if not they will break up with you, thats why children and teens below 13 or 14 shouldn't have a boy or girl friend but if the boy or girl is not that kind of people on these videos then its ok but you still have to tell your parents see if they have anything to say about it. I really fell soryy and a bit frightened about things that have happened to people in this world and I really don't want to be one of them. :(
ReplyYing Yin - 17/12/2012
Lozzii
16/12/2012
I was 11 years old when my supposed best friend who was 14 asked me to come round to his house. I did, and we watched tv for a bit. Then he started moving closer to me, put his arm round me and down the back of my pants. I told him to get off me but he didnt. He pinned me down on the floor by my hair and left arm and raped me. I didn't tell anyone.
Reply3 years later I was just about getting over what he did, speaking to him again, trying to put it in the past. He came to meet me from school and we walked my dog. When i let my dog go onto the field he did it again. He hit me from behind and floored me before climbing on top. i was 13 and a half then.
I'm 15 now, and he keeps asking me to come round, and knocking on my door. I feel trapped, because I know if i open the door to him it'll happen again.
Lozzii - 16/12/2012
I know just how you feel I have been raped a number of times and one point I tried killing myself but most of my friends have killed themselfs and I realised how sad that made me so I didnt but if he comes round your house again call the police
Jordan - 07/01/2013
Hi Lozzii,
Thank you for posting.
We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
steph
16/12/2012
I was 9 and he was 14. my brothers best mate at the time, it started with him using his phone to show me messages to him.
Replythen he was in my house one day and he used his phone again and said go up stairs and tell your brother your playin with your toys in your room and ill tell him I need the toilet.
so I did, and he came in my room, put the chair against the door and started asking me for a kiss.
the he sat on my bed and put his hand on mine and forced me down so I could move. I screamed but he put his hand over my mouth.
I heard my brother shout up asking me if im ok, I had to reply and say yes im playing. its was a horrible experience and I hope to god no one has to go through it!
im 19 years if age now and it still haunts me!
steph - 16/12/2012
Hi Steph,
Thank you for posting.
We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
anonymous
16/12/2012
i was on holiday one time and there was this guy there who i found attractive, i was only 14 and he pressured me into losing my virginity with him after knowing him for only a week.
Replyafter this i went back to where i lived and messaged him on facebook. he then gave me abuse saying i was worthless and he used me so i should just go away. he then gave me abuse every day saying i was fat and pathetic and ugly and i started to believe him and started cutting.
my mum knows but thinks that im ok now but im really not and i dont know who to talk to.
anonymous - 16/12/2012
Hi anonymous, thanks for your post.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault and shouldn’t feel worthless. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If this has happened to you and you are self-harming as a result, try and find someone you trust to talk to. There are people who understand, and who can help you to stop hurting yourself. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
For more information and advice on how to deal with your self-harm , you can go to http://www.selfharm.org.uk/default.aspa. The Samaritans may also be able to help, take a look at their website at http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ or email jo@samaritans.co.uk. You can also call the Samaritans helpline on 08457 909090.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
Tamara
14/12/2012
i was 12, so was he.
Replywe were in my bedroom. no-ones home. That day he raped me. I WAS 12 i became pregnant, once i had lost the baby, one month after, my dad suddenly died.
i am mentally scared. being raped was hard enough, but, me having to suffer the consequences so great as becoming pregnant alone.
i couldnt cope, i started cutting myself. thinking life couldnt get any better. then it got worse. my dad died, i was still 12. I want to kill myself, i have nothing left.
Thats what i thought until a boy in my form saved my life.
i had it all planned i was going to get away, and kill myself. then. he stopped me. he stopped me 3 weeks ago.
Im in a bad way, with nothing and nobody to help me.
Tamara - 14/12/2012
you shouldnt feel that way. go and see someone that can help you your so brave.
nobody should have to go through that and you was just 12 everything will work out eventually dont give up x
em - 15/12/2012
Hi Tamara,
We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past.
We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
Oliver
13/12/2012
I was sexually assaulted by a girl much older than me. I was 14 at the time and she was 16. I felt very uncomfortable with her forcing her self upon me. She overpowered me and made me do sexual things with her which I did not agree to.
ReplyThis has caused me very acute problems mentally and I'm worried it may re-occur. I'm also have horrific re-occurring nightmares of this incident. Every time she sees me she stares at me threateningly and routinely harasses me routinely via Email, Mobile and social networking.
What should I do?
Oliver - 13/12/2012
I know how you feel Oliver. The same thing happened to me but your not alone. You can always talk to someone who can help. Stay strong
Lucy - 17/12/2012
Hi Oliver
If you're a young man who's experiencing violence at the hands of your female partner (and this may include being pressured into sexual activities you don't want) then it may be especially hard for you to tell someone. Some people have told us that they would feel less manly if someone knew that were being abused by a girl, that it would be shameful. And others have told us about situations where their female partner threatened to tell authorities that they were being abused by them in order to keep them silent. Talking about what's happening is really important and you can get help if your partner is violent, controlling or sexually abusive. Try talking to a trusted adult. If you don’t think you can do this, you can speak in confidence by calling the helpline for males experiencing domestic abuse. Call freephone 0808 801 0327, email info@mensadviceline.org.uk or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk
SurvivorsUK supports adult men over the age of 18 who have experienced sexual violation at any time in their lives. They offer a helpline for male survivors, their friends, family and carers on 0845 1221201 (Mon/Tues 7-9.30pm and Thurs 12-2.30pm) and a London based counselling service offering low cost individual counselling and group therapy: www.survivorsuk.org / info@survivorsuk.org
Dudley Safe and Sound partnership have also produced a video which provides advice for male victims of relationship abuse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU
Jane
11/12/2012
there was this boy i had thought was attractive for a while and we were staying in a hotel, i told him i didnt want to sleep with him but he said i should take advantage of being in a hotel and he wasn't going to tell anyone. After about 3 hours of me saying no i gave in and slept with him. He wasn't violent which is why i thought it was okay, but now i'm not sure?
ReplyJane - 11/12/2012
Hi Jane,
Thank you for your message.
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.
Ella
09/12/2012
Hey, my boyfriend was like this i used to use my mannors when i was talking to someone then her used to pull me back and say i was a slut and a tramp he was very two faced and mean :( But i stood up for my self and called the police :D
ReplyElla - 09/12/2012
Stacey
06/12/2012
Why are all these videos only boys treating girls badly? Surely it's not only boyfriends who treat their girlfriends badly, girls can be in the wrong as much as boys can
ReplyStacey - 06/12/2012
mmmm indead u are very right about that, ive seen ads on tc about it and all about that.
But really boys atually are in the wrong because we are stronger and should stand up for areselves and i mean walking away and not trying to fight back.
sam - 11/12/2012
Hi Stacey,
Thanks for your feedback. We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.
We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU
We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp
Magna
05/12/2012
Can males be raped by females?
ReplyMagna - 05/12/2012
The law says that rape can only be committed by a man as for the offence to be committed there must be intentional penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus of another person with a penis. A woman can be convicted of sexual assault, which includes other sexual acts (e.g. intentional penetration of the vagina or anus of another person with a part of her body or an object). Both are crimes and can result in imprisonment. You can read more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult