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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

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Is pressuring a partner to have sex abuse?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Zoe's story
  • School
  • Takeaway

Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?

what do you think? share your opinions

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An expert from Young People’s Services – AVA – is reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 1 - 15 of 101

  • Francesca

    28/04/2014

    My mum has a really shitty partner that I have heard call her names umpteen times.. There has been occasions where things have got violent. I wondered if this was any kind of abuse?? Not only this but when I was around 9/10 mum had run down to the local shops but informed me that e was coming so I would let him in... He said hello kissed me on the lips and grabbed my hand and placed it where his dooda would be but outside his jeans.... He held me there fr several minuets... Is this abuse?? As well as this but there have now been two occasions in the last month where my mum has gone out of the room for some reason when he first arrives and he has shoved his younger down my thought and kissed me.. She has split up with him now but this must have been the like 7th time.... I don't know what I should do....

    Reply

    Francesca - 28/04/2014

    • HI Francesca,

      It sounds like you've witnessed and experienced some really horrible experience. I'm really glad that your mum is out of this abusive relationship, but really worried that it will have had a huge impact on you both.

      Your mum's partner sounds like he was very abusive, and what he did to both you and your mum was completely unacceptable.

      I think it would be really helpful for you both to address what happened. Have you spoken to your mum about what he made you do? I think it would be a really good place to start. If you don't feel comfortable talking to her about it then it might be good to talk to another adult you trust, maybe a friend's parent, or somebody at school or college.

      You and your mum can both contact the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can also report what happened to the police, both you and your mum have a case for what happened.

      It might also be worth contacting your local domestic abuse service, they could discuss Non-Molestation Orders with you, which would stop him being able to contact you and your mum directly or indirectly.

      I hope this helps. Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/04/2014

  • Tmp16

    23/02/2014

    Hi, a few weeks ago, I was out with a group of friends just around where I live, my friends went to the shop and left me with one of my other friends who I've known for a number of years, it started raining so he asked me to sit in his van with him until it stopped, thinking nothing of it I agreed but once we were in there he started kissing me and telling me he loved me, then he asked me to perform oral, I said I didn't want to and he told me to stop being weird and just do it then he would let me out, then he grabbed my hand and put it down his trousers then he made me perform oral, while telling me he loved me, still holding on to me, I can't tell anyone because they might think its my fault, I should have gotten out of the van and just refused but I felt scared and helpless especially as a young girl with a boy who was older and bigger, was I abused?

    Reply

    Tmp16 - 23/02/2014

    • Dear Tmp16,

      I am really glad that you decided to get in touch. Yes, what happened was abusive and it’s good that you have decided to ask about it.

      What happened must have been very frightening - it is not ok to make someone do something against their will. Forcing someone to do something sexual against their will is a crime.

      It was not your fault, he is the only person responsible. You ask whether you should have refused and got out of the van, but it doesn’t sound as though this felt like an option at the time. It is still in no way your fault.

      I know you are worried about talking to someone about this but I think that it may help you. A really good place to start might be contact rape crisis who help people every day who have experienced rape and sexual assault - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ .

      I hope you get the support you need.

      Take Care,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 25/02/2014

  • jack

    16/02/2014

    hi copper90 i would say yes it abuse and needs to stop i work with young adults with learning dissabilities and trying encourage them to stop abuse and rape and other types of problem

    Reply

    jack - 16/02/2014

  • Cooper90

    15/01/2014

    Hi there,

    It's quite hard writing this, but let's see if I get a response.
    I left home when I was young. Because, 'he couldn't be engaged to someone and not live with them.' He lived 200 miles from my parents.
    I married my husband when I was 20.
    I've come here because I saw the mtv advert.
    all the questions that were asked on there, we're what I go through with my husband.
    The 'if you loved me you'd do it.'
    Calls me names when he loses his temper.
    It's never his fault.
    It's always mine.
    I've coped with this for a few years.
    But when he's in a good mood. He's the most amazing man I know.
    I don't want to lose him.
    But something needs to change, or our marriage will just fail.
    I've never been as sad, as I have with him.
    I was diagnosed with ................. and got drunk stupid and hurt myself, just for some kind of reaction from him.

    I'm just scared things will get worse.

    Thanks

    Reply

    Cooper90 - 15/01/2014

    • Hi there,

      After reading your comment the main thing we can all tell is that it's abuse, and whether or not he can 'sometimes' be nice and happy it's not a heathy relationship. The best thing to do is either talk to him calmly when he is relaxed and tell him about how you feel - you might want to have a friend or family member near just incase. Or decide if you want to stay committed with a man who treats you badly and sometimes he can be okay.

      If you do decide not to stay with him, talk face to face about the problems and have family or friends near so that he can't hurt you and so he won't get angry ,

      I hope this helps you make a positive decision for the future x

      Amy xx

      Amy - 01/02/2014

  • Abi

    09/01/2014

    Is there any way i can help support the cause?

    Reply

    Abi - 09/01/2014

    • Hi Abi,

      Thanks for getting in touch. Domestic violence services often take on volunteers so it might be helpful to get in contact with your local service to see if they would be willing to take you on. You should be able to find them on Google or on the Women's Aid website, www.womensaid.org.uk

      Best of luck,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2014

  • Chloe

    20/12/2013

    I was with my boyfriend for 7 months everything was going fine until he started hanging round with the round people he'd force me into axe saying if you love me you will. If I didn't do anything he told me too he'd call me lots of insulting names and tell me to kill myself. This lead to self harming and overdosing, whilst I was abroad we got back together and he started kissing other girls and getting with other people behind my back. This lead to depression. We haven't been together for almost 4 months hes happy with his new girlfriend whilst still tellin me to kill myself and I still self harm

    Reply

    Chloe - 20/12/2013

    • Dear Chloe,

      Thank you for your message. It sounds like you have managed to get out of an extremely abusive relationship but are still being harassed by this person. I am pleased you have felt strong enough to share you story with people reading the site.
      In your message you have written some very serious things and you have gone through some very difficult emotional states.

      You say that he forced you into sex, this is rape and a serious crime Chloe. I am just wondering if you have had any support for what you have experienced? If not I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis; they are an organisation that works with women who have experienced sexual violence. You can reach them on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9:30pm). It’s confidential and is a safe place to talk about what happened to you.

      Have you been able to talk to your friends or family about what you have been through? You have been in an abusive relationship and the more support you have the easier it will be for you to know what to do next. If you feel you can’t talk to anyone in your life you can call Refuge. You can reach them on 0808 2000 247 - they are open 24 hours a day and will be able to listen to you and discuss your feelings in a non-judgemental way.

      You say that your ex is happy with his new girlfriend but is still saying you should kill yourself. This is because the abusive manner in which he is treating you has nothing to do with his love for you or care, he is abusive to you because he enjoys having power over you and hurting you. This will not stop because he is happy, he will do this if he has the change to and he will treat other women in this way too. What happened to you was not your fault, you did not do anything to deserve being treated that way. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

      Take care Chloe,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 22/12/2013

  • Becky

    19/12/2013

    If your in an abusive relationship its hard to see it people will tell you what they see but you still don't see it you try to hide it, get out its the best thing you will ever do and you become a stronger person you won't feel it at the time but in the long run you will realise and will never let it happen again, you can do it take this from someone who has been there and got out, not all people are the same you are beautiful and there is someone out there who is right for you and doesn't want you to be something your not

    Reply

    Becky - 19/12/2013

    • Thanks Becky for your supportive comments to others

      This is Abuse team 20/12/2013

  • Alina

    16/12/2013

    Hi
    I just want to take advice I am in relationship with a guy who's already engaged I knew about it in a beginning of our relationship I found him a nice person that's why I am with him but recently i found him so ignorant and rude with me I was just using his phone but suddenly I got some girls messages and he made online dating public accounts when I saw this I was properly shattered I asked him about everything and he was saying sorry to me and was asking for another chance to be with me.but somehow he lost his trust.even if he's with me now or not I can't make myself to trust him. I gave him another chance but thing is this this relationship s not working we have been fighting. Physically he's commenting a lot like "you are dark" your face is not bright In my life I never compared myself to another girls or I never felt low but now I am just feeling so low and I am thinking might be I am not good enough now a days sometimes he says you lost me and I am just how I lost you what's my fault he is saying
    It means u lost ur bf who do care who do love who always fights other for u,
    I n last days we haven't spoken with each other for seven days I was so sick and after when he came back he saw me how weak I was what was my condition but again today he is not speaking with me he said Alots of stuff I never loved you I like
    You if you want me to your boyfriend that's okay otherwise you can go. I didn't speak with him after that. I do have feelings for him that making me low he is not caring at all. But his behaviour leaving a great impact on me.
    I am just not with myself I am not looking after myself.i am always sad and depress.
    What should I do?
    Thank you

    Reply

    Alina - 16/12/2013

    • Dear Alina,

      Thanks for your message. It doesn’t sound as though this relationship is making you happy. If his behaviour toward you is disrespectful it is a good time to reconsider whether he is the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with.

      Working through these things alone can make it even harder. If you can you might want to talk through what it happening with a friend that you trust.

      You can chat with an advisor on this site using the live chat service between 5pm & 7pm weekdays. If you feel unsafe then you can call the National 24 Hour Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Brian.

      This is Abuse team 17/12/2013

  • Ruby

    28/02/2013

    Any woman , or man , in an abusive relationship should get away as soon as the slightest hint of abuse is shown by their partner

    Reply

    Ruby - 28/02/2013

  • Wendy

    06/02/2013

    Trying 2 control your partner is definately abuse. Love is not forced but should come naturally.

    Reply

    Wendy - 06/02/2013

  • nadia

    05/02/2013

    about 1 year ago i have experienced same situation .
    my boyfriend pushed me to have sex with him.I didnt want to but he bought me nice presents and giving me lots of attention if i had sex with him. I dont know if i was wrong or he was wrong for doing this . a few month later he cheated on me and told everyone that i am not girl to be in relation with , calling me a prostitute, now we are back but i always think about it , i am hurt and worried about my future .

    Reply

    nadia - 05/02/2013

    • Hi nadia,

      Thanks very much for your message.

      Please understand that being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is totally unacceptable. It's not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      Staying in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused could also cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence. An abusive, violent or controlling relationship is not normal or acceptable; nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour and if your boyfriend's bullying is making you worried or you're being put under pressure to have sex when you don't want to, you really need to speak to a trusted adult. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • needshelp

    05/02/2013

    once i met this boy- he was really nice to me at first but then he started being horrid and forcing me to do things i really didnt want to- he made me have sex with him but i didnt complain or anything- so now im blaming myself,
    IM SOOOOOOOOOO CONFUSED!!! plz help xx

    Reply

    needshelp - 05/02/2013

    • Hi needshelp,

      Thanks for your message.

      Please don't blame yourself; being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      We think you need to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • just me

    02/02/2013

    i don't know whether what happened to me is rape, or abuse?
    Last year around april-may i went to this party which my best friend made me go to because it was her boyfriends 18th birthday. I didn't pariculary like him but she made me go. the party was at a abonded house near my town. there waas no furniture in the house apart from a chair inside the front room. my best friend went somewhere and left me with her boyfriend and he got me quite drunk, kept on giving me the shots and so forth. i didn't really know what i was doing but usually i can look after myself. i was only 14 years old, im wiser now though but still now i am only 15. anyway he took me to the front room and got really nasty to me. i didn't know what to do, coz i hadn't been in that situation before. no one came for me, no one heard me scream over and over, he locked the door and all the windows had black paint on them. he put the lamp stand on and grabbed me and threw me on the chair. thats when he started to undo my buttons on the shirt i was wearing. he got my hands and made me take his trousers off. thats when it happened.i don't know whether its rape because i kept on saying no but he didn't care. so, i just gave in and let him. next i know im all alone in the abonded house. i knew i couldn't go home so i went and found her. i didn't tell her who the guy was but she helped me for a while. i can't remember how long it was when i started to feel weird. i had a new boyfriend from 3 weeks after the incident about weeks after he cheated on me with her. She knew something was up-shes 18. well anyways i found out that i was pregnant and she found out who it was so. basically,no one wanted to know and they all thought i was stupid. my boyfriend's dad knew a private doctor's place where they prescribed me the pill that killed my baby. my parents still don't know what i went through. im so scared of everything now. david the guy who got me pregnant at that wful party sees me everyday when i come out od school and he used lift my skitrt up making me feel uncomfurtable. my best friend could see that but she didn't care either. he still waits outsie of school...
    it was quite a few months later when i actually wanted to kill my self. i felt so bad and just me wanted to die. so, i started to cut myself. i have tried everything and now i hardly ever eat. my mum found out about the cutting but she still doesn't know why. i can't tell her. our family has gone through to much.
    i don't want anyone to reply or help me because there is nothing i can do but i just wanted to share the start of my story. it has made me feel a little better to tell someone now. thank you

    Reply

    just me - 02/02/2013

    • Hi just me,

      It's good you have found someone you trust to talk to, if you feel comfortable with this friend that's great, if you feel the need to talk to a professional in confidence for advice and guidance at any time as per our previous message, that's fine as well.

      This Is Abuse team 13/02/2013

    • hi again, i have found a friend and she's seems to care and i feel like i can speak to her. do you think i should carry on speaking to her or someone professional, like a counciler??

      just me - 09/02/2013

    • Hi Just Me,

      We know you didn't want a reply but what you've been through is very traumatic - being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. It's not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      We think it's very important you find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      And if you're self-harming you can also go to http://www.selfharm.org.uk/default.aspa where you can get professional advice. The Samaritans may also be able to help, take a look at their website at http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ or email jo@samaritans.co.uk. You can also call the Samaritans helpline on 08457 909090.

      This Is Abuse team 08/02/2013

  • molly

    22/01/2013

    about 2 years ago i had a best mate me and him were really close once i slept over his his mum and dad was out we were sat on the floor and he stated putting his hands down my pants i thought he was messing around so i told him to stop but he kept on pushing me to the ground taking my clothes off i was so scared after raping me my mum used to bring him around mine and when there were no people around he did it again he still dose i dont know what to do?

    Reply

    molly - 22/01/2013

    • Hi, Molly u shouldnt b scared 2 tell someone dat ur friend is raping u. wat right does he have 2 do that 2 u and if u think about it hes not ur mate anyore is? tell someone Molly or one day u'll regret it sex does cause pregnancy do u want that right now? dont u want 2 live ur life first?..

      Rain - 06/02/2013

    • You should tell parents, a counsellor, loved ones e.g: Grandparents, uncles and aunties; or the police. 2 years of sexual abuse is one of the worst things anyone can inflict on another human being, and is completely inexcusable. It's a good idea to have police on speed dial, so if it looks like this is going to happen again you should contact the police immediately. Well done for having the courage to post this! I hope this "mate" is sorted out and you are able to move on with your life. He's a piece of trash and doesn't deserve to be a huge barrier in your life! The police, like the TIA team says, can sort rapists out immediately and also give you the help and support you need. Try to cheer up, because you've still got your whole life ahead of you : )

      Josh - 05/02/2013

    • Hi Molly,

      Thanks so much for your post.

      We are really very sorry to hear about these traumatic incidents from your past and that they're still happening. We think it is extremely important you should speak to someone about this if you can.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime and it should be reported. Please understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      Please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there; this behaviour is unacceptable, it's not normal and it's against the law.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. And if you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      This Is Abuse team 25/01/2013

  • 13/01/2013

    user01
    a bit sexiest don't you think its not always there man think before you make you little videos




    Reply

    13/01/2013

    • Hello and many thanks for your feedback.

      We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships and therefore think very hard before making the videos.

      We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp

      Tempero Moderation 13/01/2013

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Results: 1 - 15 of 101

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