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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

School

Is trying to control someone by checking their phone abuse?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Zoe's story
  • Party
  • Takeaway

Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?

what do you think? share your opinions

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An expert from Young People’s Services – AVA – is reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 15 - 30 of 80

  • Jack

    24/03/2013

    Is it only women that can be abused in relationships? Was it really too much to ask to have one advert in which it showed men being abused?

    Reply

    Jack - 24/03/2013

    • HI Jack

      If you're a young man who's experiencing violence at the hands of your female partner (and this may include being pressured into sexual activities you don't want) then it may be especially hard for you to tell someone. Some people have told us that they would feel less manly if someone knew that were being abused by a girl, that it would be shameful. And others have told us about situations where their female partner threatened to tell authorities that they were being abused by them in order to keep them silent.

      Talking about what's happening is really important and you can get help if your partner is violent, controlling or sexually abusive. Try talking to a trusted adult. If you don’t think you can do this, you can speak in confidence by calling the helpline for males experiencing domestic abuse. Call freephone 0808 801 0327, email info@mensadviceline.org.uk or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk

      SurvivorsUK supports adult men over the age of 18 who have experienced sexual violation at any time in their lives. They offer a helpline for male survivors, their friends, family and carers on 0845 1221201 (Mon/Tues 7-9.30pm and Thurs 12-2.30pm) and a London based counselling service offering low cost individual counselling and group therapy: www.survivorsuk.org / info@survivorsuk.org

      Dudley Safe and Sound partnership have also produced a video which provides advice for male victims of relationship abuse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      Tempero Moderation 24/03/2013

  • Anon

    26/02/2013

    Hi, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years, he never puts me down and I believe he genuinely loves me and cares about me but he doesn't like me going out without him or texting people more than him.

    He's never full on hit me, but he has raised his fist to me , grabbed me and pushed me, one time he picked me up and dropped me and I hit my head quite bad, but he says that was an accident, he gets quite upset after and says he doesnt mean it he just loses his temper.

    I don't think im attracted to him anymore and so feel pressured into having sex and guilty if i don't.

    I've thought about leaving him but he's my whole life and he makes me feel like I can't leave him.

    Reply

    Anon - 26/02/2013

    • HI Anon

      Thanks for getting in touch.

      It can be very hard to leave an abusive relationship - no matter what kind. It’s also very important to leave the relationship safely. There are many reasons why people don't feel they can leave. Fear is a huge one, also uncertainty about what to do/who can help. Some people may not realise that they are being abused and not even be looking for help.

      A big factor in not leaving can simply be love. Love is such a powerful emotion it can overrule anything else. If you are still in contact with this person, we would urge you to think about completing a safety plan like this: http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/47-keeping-safe-in-an-unhealthy-relationship.html

      Tempero Moderation 27/02/2013

  • Sam

    18/02/2013

    Once again all these adverts portray the girl as always being the victim to abuse. I thought half of the idea of all this is equality, but I don't see any?

    I've been there, had a girlfriend like that, and until I saw these ads I didn't even know it could be called abuse. Yet if it was the other way round, I'd probably be locked up or something.

    This just goes to show there is little to no awareness of the other way round, so surely it is a point to focus on, not ignore. Yes, this time round there's actually a section on the website - ast time there was a helpful sentence along the lines of "other charities are able to help" but not mentioning any as they didn't exist ! Yet there was a list of about 10 places to go for help if you're a girl?!

    Reply

    Sam - 18/02/2013

    • Hello Sam,

      Thanks for your recent point of view.

      We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight.

      To be clear, the objective of this campaign is to help both boys and girls spot the signs of abuse in relationships and raise awareness of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour.

      This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.

      It’s good that the campaign is prompting you to ask questions and seek more information.
      We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp

      Tempero Moderation 19/02/2013

  • Megan

    11/02/2013

    Hi,it has been almost a year since I was on my way home from being out with two of my friends when I bumped into 3 boys from my year I was friends with them all and got along with them,But they seemed different this night they started too feel my bum and grab me from behind that when I got scared I told them too let go of me but they didn't listen they carried on,,they followed me and then they started to lift my skirt up&they started to grab me they put there hands down my top and down my knickers was so scared one of them grabbed me and wouldn't let me go my two friends who I was with was walking away from me I tried to run but they caught up too me I was crying an one of the boys said don't cry just shhh then they got me again the pushed me on a wall and I shouted but no one helped me they gathered around me I was only 12 when it happened I didn't know what too do I didn't know what was happening but when I was on the wall and I shouted one of the boys friends helped me he pushed them away he told me too run so I did I caught up to my friends an I walked home I told my mum and got police but now I have to see them boys in school and I have too live with it for the rest of my life I will never forgett that day
    They have moved on and forgot about it but I never can!

    Reply

    Megan - 11/02/2013

    • Hi Megan,

      Thanks very much for your post.

      We're so sorry to hear what happened, it's good that you spoke up about it and involved your parents and the police.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. It wasn't your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      It might help you to talk about your experience with someone else, help and support is out there. If you want more guidance and advice, or just to talk, you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 in confidence to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      This Is Abuse team 13/02/2013

  • Chloe

    10/02/2013

    this is amazing, it has the choise wether to stop your self or for the other person to stop it it should stop abuse and help them with any problems

    Reply

    Chloe - 10/02/2013

  • Sam

    02/02/2013

    Watching these videos and i think these should be advertised on television again to help raise awareness but i am just curious as to why all the situations involve the boy pressuring or abusing the girl. There are many cases in which the girl pressures the boy along with asaulting them, the kirstie and tyrone storyline is a good example of how the male can be the suffering one so i am hoping that you will create some focusing on the boys to raise awarness that abuse is not restricted to males.

    Reply

    Sam - 02/02/2013

    • Hi Sam,

      Thanks for your feedback. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.

      We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp.

      This Is Abuse team 08/02/2013

  • Eff

    28/01/2013

    When I was 15, I had a boyfriend who abused me: physically, emotionally, socially and sexually. It doesn't have to be that way, seek help and support; as I eventually did.

    I'm 19 now, attending a top university as an undergraduate. He is currently serving a prison sentence.

    The way he is treating you or what he claims you are worth are lies. Remember you are on your way to becoming a strong-minded, independent woman, and he is just a little bump on the way.

    Reply

    Eff - 28/01/2013

    • I can totally relate to your experience, EFF. It's my hope that anyone accessing this website will realise that they don't deserve to be treated in this way, I escaped and so can you, please remember your self worth.

      Anon - 05/02/2013

  • Sam

    27/01/2013

    My friends boyfriend didn't want to lose her and he wouldn't let go of her. she tried to push him off and he slapped her. he pushed her on the ground from behind and she still tried to get away. he pushed her against the wall and she grazed her arm really bad. he didn't like being rejected. he called her bad things like a prostitute and stuff, she thought he was bipolar because of his mood swings. whenever a boy walked past he'd say mate, free sex here. she'd feel so horrible. she was scared when he grabbed hold of her too. He pushed her against a car once and the side mirror nearly fell off. he always uses abusive language with her. but when he slapped her he cried straight away and said he couldnt believe what he did. What type of abuse is this?

    Reply

    Sam - 27/01/2013

    • Hi Sam,

      Thanks for your post.

      This sounds like both emotional and physical abuse. Most people aren’t in abusive relationships, but as you can see from the stories, and as your friend's experienced, it can happen, so it’s important to be aware of what abuse looks like. The Spot the Signs page includes behaviours that may indicate an abusive relationship: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse - have a look for more information.

      Emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, or calling you nasty names, trying to control you and stopping you doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do, and the violent behaviour you've described resulting in injuries is physical abuse.

      It seems there are plenty of warning signs in your friend’s relationship, they may need professional help and your encouragement and support to help to stop it. Tell your friend you are worried about them and let them know that the abuse is not their fault, it’s unacceptable and that support is available. When you try to talk to them, try not to make them feel judged as it takes courage to admit abuse. Encourage them to talk to a trusted adult, it could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that she feels comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that she thinks she can talk to and that she feels comfortable with and trusts. If they don't want to listen, she should keep trying until she find someone that does. Your friend has the right to be safe and help and support is out there. You shouldn’t confront their partner on your own and neither should your friend, it's important she leaves the relationship safely as well.

      Depending what age your friend is, if she wants to speak to someone in confidence and she's over 18 encourage her to contact the 24 hour, National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or if she's under 18, she can call Childline on 0800 11 11, She can also go to www.childline.org.uk where you they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      This Is Abuse team 04/02/2013

  • abi

    13/01/2013

    my friend was at a party and was drunk a boy told her to go to the shop with him so she did and when they got outside he started to try things with her she told him she thought they were going to the shop and he told her it closed hours ago she kept telling him to stop but he but his hand inside her pants is this asult?

    Reply

    abi - 13/01/2013

    • Hi Abi,

      We appreciate you sharing the ordeal your friend had to endure.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that one does’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your friends fault. There was nothing she could have done to prevent this.

      If you friend is being put under pressure to have sex when she doesn't want to she must try and find someone she trusts to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that she feels comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that she can talk to, feels comfortable with and can trust.

      If they don't want to listen, encourage her to keep trying until she finds someone that does. Your friend has the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      She can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where she can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If she has been sexually assaulted she can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. She can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      Tempero Moderation 13/01/2013

  • aaron

    13/01/2013

    i think rape is horrible it is not right to have sex wiv out there say so nd if they arent ready then you shouldnt brib them you should say ok we will do it when you are ready

    Reply

    aaron - 13/01/2013

  • Ahmad al sin

    10/01/2013

    I like this videoes

    Reply

    Ahmad al sin - 10/01/2013

  • Jeff

    07/01/2013

    I find it annoying that all of the videos at school show this kind of thing happening in parties and rough areas. Someone needs to remind us it happens in private schools and rich areas too.

    People don't believe you if you have sex and don't want to/ get raped because "it doesn't happen in these areas"

    Reply

    Jeff - 07/01/2013

  • izzy

    05/01/2013

    Well, when my best friend was 14, we where at a house party and this guy who she really liked wanted to go out with her.

    So they went to a bedroom and started kissing. But she told me he got to rough. And he said if she didn't take her clothes off, he would hit her and pull them off her. It has been a year now, and she has a 1 year old son.

    People judge her and make comments. She dropped out of school. I promised not to tell anyone about it. And she told her parents that her and her boyfriend did it. We are really glad we can tell it to you guys. And yes, we are writing this together. Thanks, lola.

    Reply

    izzy - 05/01/2013

    • Hi Izzy

      Thanks for getting in touch, we are sorry to hear taht you friend had a traumatic incident.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when someone doesn’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Speak to your friend and help them understand that this was not their fault and there was nothing they could have done to prevent this.

      You should encourage your friend to call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about the problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 05/01/2013

  • Christina

    04/01/2013

    When my friend was 15 her older boyfriend often tried to pressure her into sex.

    One day she was on top of him just kissing and he managed to take her trousers off and get into her when he knew she didn't want to do anything. I was just wondering if this would be classed as rape or not?

    Reply

    Christina - 04/01/2013

    • Hi Christina

      Thanks for getting in touch, we are sorry to hear about the incident involving your friend.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when someone doesn’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Speak to your friend and help them understand that this was not their fault and there was nothing they could have done to prevent this.

      You should encourage your friend to call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about the problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you or your friend ever feel in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 05/01/2013

  • may

    04/01/2013

    being pressured into anything is wrong. a partner is only right for you if their no.1 aim is to make you the happiest you can be.

    i was pressured into sex when i was 14, i had told him many times that i didn't want to but he was older than me and i didn't want to seem like a little girl. in the end he asked me to try it and that he would stop whenever i wanted to,

    i didn't want to at all but that didn't seem to matter so he started anyway until i shouted and he stopped.

    i left that day and never saw him again, soon to find out that he had been seeing my much older mutual friend the whole time.
    is that rape?

    Reply

    may - 04/01/2013

    • Hi May,
      Thank you for posting.

      We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 04/01/2013

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Results: 15 - 30 of 80

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