My son who is 16 has just got out of an abusive relationship & I have pics of the bruises & bite marks she gave him but I'm now worried that this psycho will try to turn things round to get my son in trouble with the police or something worse
Hi Jayne, many thanks for getting in touch. I’m really sorry to hear what’s been happening to your son. I know you said that he has now left the relationship but you can get still get help and advice from the Men’s Advice line. They provide confidential advice and support specifically for male victims of domestic abuse. You can contact them on 0808 801 0327 (calls are free from landlines and most mobile phones), or you could email them at firstname.lastname@example.org or visit their website for more information www.mensadviceline.org.uk
I hope this is helpful
This is Abuse team
This Is Abuse team - 22/06/2015
I recently found out my boyfriend had been going out on a night out and cheating me on me, I'm still with him at the moment but I am planning on splitting up with him. When we have had arguments and fallen out things can get a little out of hand. We argue and he shouts and me and I shout back and on a few occasions he has put my against the wall and strangled me whilst screaming in my face. I don't know what to do as I feel like it's my fault and ive provoked him by shouting at him in the first place I just need some advice weather I should forget about it or take it further ... I feel alone and scared because he's all ive got
Hi Emily, thanks for getting in touch. I’m really sorry to hear what’s happened but please understand it’s not your fault and you are not to blame for your boyfriend’s abusive behaviour. No matter what happened it is never acceptable to be physically abusive towards you. I would really encourage you to speak to someone about what’s happened and there are organisations which can help. You can call the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247, where you can speak to a trained advisor who can give you help and support with what’s happened. Please don’t blame yourself for what happened and I really hope you do get some help as no one deserves to be treated like this.
This is Abuse team
This Is Abuse team - 18/05/2015
After meeting my bf I started to feel very depressed and down. I lost my enthusiasm and positive attitude towards everything and I did not know why. I have started seeing him, nothing happened between us sexual, just odd dates at the cinema and dinner. He was always abusive in his language, cussing at me, trying to know where I am, with whom, trying to control when I see people, which people I should not see, trying to make me not see them. He has always belittled me and my family, using foul language, and yelling over the phone or on the streets. Everytime I tried breaking up with him, he is 33, he said that his dad has told him relationships are hard work and I should give him a chance to prove himself, but all we do is dinner, movies, bars and abusive emotional behavior that upsets me and always puts me down. My work colleagues think he sounds like a stalker and emotional deranged guy. If I do not reply to his texts he sends me texts until I reply and then calls, if I cannot make it to a date he does the same. He tries to check my phone, my facebook asks me questions about everyone, everything I do to be prepared... I tried to break up with him for 3 months and been thinking about breaking up since january and we've been only going out since october. I have never had anyone treating me like a rug then hugging me to say I am sorry after trashing me in front of people in public and over the phone. Even on facebook he got agressive and wrote things to embarrass me in front of people. I do not know what to do, I am afraid to leave him.
Hi, Daniela, thanks for getting in touch. I’m really sorry to hear what’s been happening to you, it sounds like it has been really scary and your boyfriend’s behaviour towards you is abusive. It’s not just using abusive language towards you but controlling behaviours are also abusive, such as trying to control who you see by telling you who can/can’t see and checking your phone or facebook account. Please understand that his abusive behaviour is not your fault and I would encourage you to speak to someone about what’s happening in your relationship. You can call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247, they can give you help and advice on what’s happening with your boyfriend. If you ever feel like you are in immediate danger though you should contact the police. Please remember that this is not your fault, you don’t deserve to be treated in this way and there are people that can help you.
This is Abuse team
This Is Abuse team - 14/04/2015
I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years throughout the years ive left him on a few occations due to physical and mental abuse he calls me names on a daily basis and sometimes calls my eldest daughter nasty names too i feel so drained and tired and not sure of what to do anymore when i go stay with family he calls me and begs me he will change and i go back to him as my family live near by we currentley share joint tenacy on our home and he refuses to move out i have called the police a couple of occations but i havent taken it any further as im too scared i really dont want me and my 2 daughters to be here under the same roof and due yo joint tenacy i cant have him removed he works n im a stay at home mum so he earns all the cash so dont have the money to find a new place to live and i know if i go to family ill end up going back i have no self confidence or self asteem but i really want my life and kids lifes to change
I am really glad you got in touch, it sounds like things have been hard for a long time. It's really good that you are reaching out for the support you need and deserve.
It is not ok for him to be abusive in anyway to you or your children.
I know how hard it can be to leave and then to return when he promises he will change. Unfortunately it does not seem like he is changing, and will probably need help to do so - part of that will be taking responsibility for his abusive behaviour.
The safety and well-being of you and the children is the most important thing. It is good to call the police if you ever need to and even though you have not taken it further there will be a record of those calls
In terms of housing, you can ring the Shelter helpline - they will be able to talk you through your rights - 0808 800 4444 - it's open 8am–8pm on weekdays and 8am–5pm on weekends
For women in England and Wales
Call 020 7251 6577
Monday 7-9pm, Tuesday 7-9pm, Wednesday 7-9pm, Thursday 7-9pm, Friday 12-2pm
For women in London
Call 020 7608 1137
Monday 11am-1pm, Tuesday 2-4pm, Wednesday 2-4pm
Hopefully with this support you can find the confidence you need, I really hope this helps,
This is Abuse team - 23/02/2015
i am concerned about my teenage daughter,
she is in a controlling relationship and its hard to stay calm, she is my baby and its heartbreaking to watch someone else tear her apart, what can i do to help her!!!!
hello again, i have since spoken to my daughters boyfriend, i told him of the hurt n upset he is causing my daughter, myself and all my family. he has since been nicer and no problems have been noticed, i jope this continues!!!! thanks for your time and keep up the good work guys xxx
emzz - 09/02/2015
Thanks for your message.
It can be so hard when someone we love is in an abusive relationship. The good thing is that you know about it, so she is not alone.
You can ring the national domestic violence helpline to get confidential advice - they are open 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247. Of course you can also report this to the police anytime.
Keep talking to her and reassuring her so she knows she has your support. It can be really hard for people in abusive relationships to recognise the abuse to start with, or to be able to leave the relationship, for all sorts of reasons, especially if they are scared or feel that they still love that person.
If they go to the same school/college you could also talk to staff there to make them aware.
I hope this helps,
This is Abuse team - 08/02/2015
i have been in a relationship for almost 1 year with my partner. i have been a victim of emotional and mental abuse with one occasion of physical. i have ended the relationship on a number of times but have always ended up going back to him. he has completely broken me. he has isolated me from all friends and family and even stopped me from studying at college. the names and way he has spoken to me has made me feel worthless and very self conscious and also depressed.Today i packed all my stuff and returned to live with my parents but he is in constant contact im afraid i give in again and take him back,he keeps blaming the way hes acting on being depressed and saying he will hurt himself if i dont take him back. i know if i go back to him things will only get worse. what can i do?
I am really glad you got in touch - and so sorry to hear about what you have been going through.
It sounds like your ex was very emotionally abusive and controlling (as well as the incident of physical abuse).
This must have been very scary and upsetting. It is very common for someone who is being abusive to isolate the other person from anyone who can help them. You have been so brave to leave him and go back to your parents. I know it is hard but this is the first step on your journey to a happier and safe life.
It is important to know that this is not your fault.
If he is depressed that is not an excuse - most people with depression are not abusive to anyone. Unfortunately people often threaten to hurt themselves to get you to go back to them. It's another form of emotional abuse. I know how hard it is to hear and how guilty you may feel - but you have nothing to feel guilty for. If he did do anything that would be his decision and not your responsibility.
You have already said if you return it will get worse, I am afraid I have to agree with you. I think it would be a good idea to get some support. You can ask your GP for some counselling and you can also contact the national domestic violence helpline 24 hours a day for confidential advice - 0808 2000 247.
It would be a good idea to block him on your phone and any social networking sites. Also, try not to be on your own and maybe talk to your parents about what to do if he comes over to the house. Again, call the police if you are scared.
You do not have to cope with this alone,
This is Abuse team - 30/01/2015
my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and a half years, everything was okay in the beginning but a rumour was spread about me doing something with another boy that wasn't true and he never spoke to me for months and it broke my heart but about 7 months later we started talking then got back together, we have sex a lot and he argues with me so much and never ever tells me the truth ever, I was in hospital for a week and I had an operation so he said 3 weeks after he'd take me out but he went to his cousins party instead but told me he was with his friend I only found out looking on Facebook at the pictures uploaded. He has a really weird relationship with his sister and one time when I was giving him oral sex he was texting her telling her (I didn't know until after because I was under the cover) our baby has died once, I had a miscarriage, and he left me to go to a club with his sister and again I had a miscarriage and he went out with his cousin after me begging and crying for him to stay with me both times, he has hit me a few times and had grappbed me and I've had so many bruises and he says the most discusting personal things to me. My dad abused me when I was younger and he came to my hometown the other week and my boyfriend after saying he'd protect me didn't talk to me all day and said if anything happened it would be my fault for seeing him. He spits at me and threatens me and I'm so scared but things seem to be okay now, better than they ever have been but I can't stop thinking about everything he's done. I'm only really young but I love him and I know I do but I can't forget about things that have happened.
Thank you for contacting us, it sounds like things have been really difficult for a long time. I am glad that you feel things have improved but I am not surprised that you are still thinking about what has happened previously.
It sounds like he is being physically and emotionally abusive. You also mentioned you have sex alot, is this something you want to do? It is not ok for him to force you to do things you don't want to do.
Coping with miscarriage it also incredibly hard, it's a very sad and traumatic thing to go through and it sounds like he wasn't there for you at all. And on top of all that you have the abuse you experienced from your dad and it sounds like that has also had a big impact on you.
You do not deserve to be treated like this, it is abuse and is against the law. It can be very scary and upsetting and when things seem to be better it's normal to try to hold onto that in the hope that it will stay good, however in reality that doesn't always happen. It is important that you are safe, does anyone else know what has been happening? The more people who support you the better and safer you will be. I know it can be hard to tell people though.
If you are scared you can always call the police. There is also a 24 national domestic violence freephone number on 0808 2000 247 - they can talk to you and give you advice. You can also tell your GP or other people that you trust. You are not alone and there are lots of places that can help. If you do decide to end the relationship, please do not do this on your own and you may need to change things such as online passwords, routines etc so he can't contact you. I can give you more advice if you need it.
My partner of 5 years , who I have a 2 year old child with, treats me terrible. He's always angry with me shouts at me calls me horrible names. Makes me feel guilty if I ever want to see friends or my family so I rarely do these days. He's jealous and possessive and I'm very unhappy even tho I do love him. I've recently made a stand against him and managed to get him out of my house, but now he's constantly texting me saying how sorry he is and that he's going to get counselling for his temper, begging me to see him. I'm staying strong at the moment but he's wearing me down bit by bit. The thing is I still love him and dont know if I should give him one more chance?? He also threatens me throws things pushes me etc
It sounds like your partner has been very emotionally abusive for a long time. I am glad you were able to get him to leave.
I do understand how hard it is thought, and that you can love someone but still hate how they treat you. It must be especially hard having a child together. However, i do think you did the right thing by asking him to leave. The safety of you and your child has to be the most important thing.
It is good that he is talking about getting help, but counselling for anger management may not be the best thing as his anger is directed at you and is a form of domestic abuse, not just a loss of control or a temper problem. It would be a good idea for him to get some support regarding his anger but including the context of abuse and for this the best people to speak to are respect who can advise abusers how to get help. You could also ring them to get advice: http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/
Call freephone 0808 802 4040 Monday-Friday 9am-5pm or email email@example.com
You can also talk to other people such as your GP for support and ring the national domestic violence helpline anytime on 0800 2000 247 for advice and info about local support services.
It's important that you don't try to cope with this on your own.
This is Abuse team - 19/12/2014
I was in a relationship for 11months and my partner used to hit me look at my phone and forced me to have sex with him on a number of occasions.I am no longer with him but I keep having flash backs of what happened I am also on antidepressants I just want to put this behind me but I can't seem to let go.
Thanks for your post. We’re really sorry to hear you’ve experienced relationship abuse. If you’ve being forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.
If you are unsure, examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, being pressured to send naked pictures of yourself, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.
What’s more, physical abuse is wrong and never ok. It can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour.
If this has happened to you, we would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. They offer counselling and support for women who have experienced any form of sexual violence, not just rape.
We hope this helps
The This is Abuse Team
My comment isn't really about me. My father abuses his wife (my step mum), both physically and emotionally. He controls her finances and constantly belittles her. I don't live with him, but every time I see her she just is a shell of her former self, she used to be so bubbly now she just constantly looks exacerbated. It makes me ashamed that my dad could be an abuser, it disgusts me. Advice?
Thanks for your post. We’re so sorry to hear about your worries - if you think you have spotted some of the warning signs of abuse, your stepmum may need professional help and your encouragement and support to help to stop it. For more information on the signs, visit this page of the website - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/spot-the-signs, you might already recognise some of them.
Tell your stepmum you are really worried about her and let her know that the way she's being treated is not right, it’s not normal, and the abuse is not her fault, it’s unacceptable. Let her know that help and support is available.
It might be useful to think up a code word that she can use on the phone to let you know she needs help? When you talk to her, try to make her feel at ease as it takes courage to admit abuse. Please encourage her to talk to someone she trusts about this.
If your stepmum wants to speak to someone in confidence, encourage her to contact the 24 hour, National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
That same goes for you too. If you want support and guidance on how to manage the situation, speak to one of the services detailed above, or if you’re under 18, you can speak to ChildLine on 0800 1111 or visit www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
We’re sorry to hear about your worries - if you think you have spotted some of the warning signs of abuse in your friend’s relationship, they may need professional help and your encouragement and support to help to stop it. For more information on the signs, visit this page of the website - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/spot-the-signs, you might already recognise some of them.
Tell your friend you are really worried about them and let them know that the way they’re being treated is not right, it’s not normal, and the abuse is not their fault, it’s unacceptable. Let them know that help and support is available.
It might be useful to think up a code word that they can use on the phone to let you know they need help? When you talk to them, try to make them feel at ease as it takes courage to admit abuse. Please encourage them to talk to a trusted adult, and if their partner has been violent or forced them to have sex, advise them to talk to the police. You shouldn’t confront their partner on your own and neither should your friend. If they decide to leave their relationship, it’s very important they do so safely; they can find more information and advice how to manage that here - http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/59-difficult-to-leave.html, or call Refuge on 0808 2000 247 for further support.
If your friend wants to speak to someone in confidence, encourage them to contact the 24 hour, National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or if they’re under 18, they can speak to ChildLine on 0800 1111 or visit www.childline.org.uk where they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
That same goes for you too if you want support and guidance on how to manage the situation, speak to one of the services detailed above, they will be able to help you.
The This Is Abuse Team
I am 26 I have been in a two year relationship where I been having mental abuse and one time physical abuse and get into the point where I feel everything is my fault and I can't make him happy every time I try to talk about it he doesn't want to he shuts me out or puts me down I feel anytime I'm having a good day he just puts me down all the time if am having day day i'm getting to the point now that I've given up trying to talk to him on how he making me feel on what he is doing I just don't know what to do anymore I've tried everything
Thanks for your post, we're really sorry to hear what you've been going through.
We’re sorry to hear you’ve been suffering abuse in your relationship. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth.
A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around but just because the abuse went on for a long time, does not mean you were complicit in this.
It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s been happening in your relationship. It could be a parent or other relative, a close friend, or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.
You can also call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
We hope this helps and that you get the support you need and deserve.
I'm 18 and my boyfriend puts me down and makes me miserable, I don't feel like I can disagree with him but whenever I try to get away he guilt trips me into staying with him, last night I asked for some space and was going to stay at a friends house so he poured water over my head and kicked me out in the cold at 3amish and I had to get home via my friend then today he acts all upset but then twists it onto me like I deserved it and made me feel like it was all my fault and I can't get away... What can I do? I really need some help as I don't know where else to turn
Thanks for your post. We’re really sorry to hear you’ve been suffering emotional abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth.
Signs of this type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.
We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
As you're over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).