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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Zoe's story
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

what do you think? share your opinions

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Results: 1 - 15 of 140

  • Luana

    25/06/2014

    My comment isn't really about me. My father abuses his wife (my step mum), both physically and emotionally. He controls her finances and constantly belittles her. I don't live with him, but every time I see her she just is a shell of her former self, she used to be so bubbly now she just constantly looks exacerbated. It makes me ashamed that my dad could be an abuser, it disgusts me. Advice?

    Reply

    Luana - 25/06/2014

    • Hi Luana

      Thanks for your post. We’re so sorry to hear about your worries - if you think you have spotted some of the warning signs of abuse, your stepmum may need professional help and your encouragement and support to help to stop it. For more information on the signs, visit this page of the website - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/spot-the-signs, you might already recognise some of them.

      Tell your stepmum you are really worried about her and let her know that the way she's being treated is not right, it’s not normal, and the abuse is not her fault, it’s unacceptable. Let her know that help and support is available.

      It might be useful to think up a code word that she can use on the phone to let you know she needs help? When you talk to her, try to make her feel at ease as it takes courage to admit abuse. Please encourage her to talk to someone she trusts about this.

      If your stepmum decides to leave the relationship, it’s very important to do so safely; she can find more information and advice how to manage that here - http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/59-difficult-to-leave.html, or call Refuge on 0808 2000 247 for further support.

      If your stepmum wants to speak to someone in confidence, encourage her to contact the 24 hour, National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      That same goes for you too. If you want support and guidance on how to manage the situation, speak to one of the services detailed above, or if you’re under 18, you can speak to ChildLine on 0800 1111 or visit www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      We hope that this helps.

      Take care,
      The This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 25/06/2014

  • samantha

    24/06/2014

    really good information

    Reply

    samantha - 24/06/2014

  • Steven

    09/06/2014

    One of my neighbours is being emotionally abused but she is too scared of her boyfriend to do anything about it. He is a bully.

    Reply

    Steven - 09/06/2014

    • Hi Steven

      Thanks for posting.

      We’re sorry to hear about your worries - if you think you have spotted some of the warning signs of abuse in your friend’s relationship, they may need professional help and your encouragement and support to help to stop it. For more information on the signs, visit this page of the website - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/spot-the-signs, you might already recognise some of them.

      Tell your friend you are really worried about them and let them know that the way they’re being treated is not right, it’s not normal, and the abuse is not their fault, it’s unacceptable. Let them know that help and support is available.

      It might be useful to think up a code word that they can use on the phone to let you know they need help? When you talk to them, try to make them feel at ease as it takes courage to admit abuse. Please encourage them to talk to a trusted adult, and if their partner has been violent or forced them to have sex, advise them to talk to the police. You shouldn’t confront their partner on your own and neither should your friend. If they decide to leave their relationship, it’s very important they do so safely; they can find more information and advice how to manage that here - http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/59-difficult-to-leave.html, or call Refuge on 0808 2000 247 for further support.

      If your friend wants to speak to someone in confidence, encourage them to contact the 24 hour, National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or if they’re under 18, they can speak to ChildLine on 0800 1111 or visit www.childline.org.uk where they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      That same goes for you too if you want support and guidance on how to manage the situation, speak to one of the services detailed above, they will be able to help you.

      Take care,
      The This Is Abuse Team

      This Is Abuse team 10/06/2014

  • Sarah

    16/05/2014

    I am 26 I have been in a two year relationship where I been having mental abuse and one time physical abuse and get into the point where I feel everything is my fault and I can't make him happy every time I try to talk about it he doesn't want to he shuts me out or puts me down I feel anytime I'm having a good day he just puts me down all the time if am having day day i'm getting to the point now that I've given up trying to talk to him on how he making me feel on what he is doing I just don't know what to do anymore I've tried everything

    Reply

    Sarah - 16/05/2014

    • Hi Sarah

      Thanks for your post, we're really sorry to hear what you've been going through.

      We’re sorry to hear you’ve been suffering abuse in your relationship. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth.

      A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around but just because the abuse went on for a long time, does not mean you were complicit in this.

      It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s been happening in your relationship. It could be a parent or other relative, a close friend, or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.

      You can also call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

      We hope this helps and that you get the support you need and deserve.

      Take care,

      This Is Abuse team 16/05/2014

  • Victoria

    03/05/2014

    I'm 18 and my boyfriend puts me down and makes me miserable, I don't feel like I can disagree with him but whenever I try to get away he guilt trips me into staying with him, last night I asked for some space and was going to stay at a friends house so he poured water over my head and kicked me out in the cold at 3amish and I had to get home via my friend then today he acts all upset but then twists it onto me like I deserved it and made me feel like it was all my fault and I can't get away... What can I do? I really need some help as I don't know where else to turn

    Reply

    Victoria - 03/05/2014

    • Hi Victoria

      Thanks for your post. We’re really sorry to hear you’ve been suffering emotional abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth.

      Signs of this type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.

      We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      As you're over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

      We hope this helps

      Best wishes

      This Is Abuse team 07/05/2014

  • 01/05/2014

    rose
    I'm 19 and in my first year at university. I met my partner in the first week and pretty instantly we became inseparable. This was untill he made some new friends and it was very apparent that he was developing a crush on someone else. I broke up with him for this but he persistently stayed in contact as if we were still in a relationship. it wasn't until Christmas when I found pictures on his laptop of this girl naked in bed did I begin to question are little 'break'. the rejection was overwhelming like I couldn't be good enough. He pleaded with me that it was lust and nothing more and I tried to forgive him. a few months down the line and I'm deeply unhappy and insecure so I ask for space and that same evening he sleeps with someone else. we get back to gether and all the truth comes out again. why is it so easy for him to lie to me?! and why am I so intent on taking him back? it's like I can't be angry with him because I didn't give him enough at the start so he looked else where before realising his mistakes then I hurt him so much by asking for space that it justifys his actions because I hurt him.

    along side this there is much else. He will be lovely trying to win me back then as soon as I am his he is horrid. He looks at other girls in front of me an laughs like it's funny that he's been caught. He will get so angry and snap at the silliest things like if I forget to bring something down the stairs or ask him to repete himself. If I say something ditzy I am an idiot. If I chew my food I will get snapped at for making noise he doesn't want to hear. he wil poke me and call me squishy , smelly, point out face imbleshments and laugh.

    I don't understand what I am doing wrong, he can be the most amazing, talented loving thing then it's like his moods just switch and it's always because of something I have done and never his actions.

    i know above makes him sound horrid. Why am I with him? But it's so much more complex I do not see him as an abuser?

    Reply

    01/05/2014

    • Hi Rose

      Thanks for your message. We’re so sorry to hear you’ve been suffering emotional abuse. Signs of this type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.

      A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around, as can still loving that person. Again, that is also completely normal and many people are torn between loving the person and hating their behaviour. Just because the abuse went on for a long time, does not mean you were complicit in this. Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

      Staying in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused could cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence. An abusive, violent or controlling relationship is never okay, it’s not normal or acceptable and nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour.

      We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      As you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

      We hope that this helps and you get the support you need and deserve.

      Take care,
      The This Is Abuse Team

      This Is Abuse team 02/05/2014

  • P A

    08/04/2014

    Is this comment section only about abuse from a partner? What about a family member?

    Reply

    P A - 08/04/2014

    • Hello P A,

      Thanks for your message. Domestic violence is controlling or threatening behaviour/assault which is carried out by a partner or a family member.
      Some forms of abuse can be physical, sexual or emotional. If you would like more information on domestic violence I would recommend you look at www.womensaid.org.uk

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 08/04/2014

  • K

    07/04/2014

    I have been with my partner 5 months now. We got on great for the first couple of weeks and then arguments started, the arguments started after he met my family and my family accepted him. If I stand up for myself in front of my family I am the bad guy and they tell me to stop treating him that way, but they do not see what goes on behind closed doors. Every time we argue he calls me an ugly bitch or he calls me hanging or a fat bitch. Whatever dress I pick up to wear he says it is too short and it needs to be below the knee length. I am 18 in 10 days most 18 year olds wear short dresses to go out. If a top is too low or too revealing I cant wear it to college or anything, the only time I can wear it is in the bedroom. I dont feel comfortable to take my top off during sexual activity, he knows this but every time we have sex he will always say "sex would be better with your top off". Once we were in the shop and we were looking at the alcohol and I said "not long and I will be able to buy these" being excited for my birthday. His reply was "yeah, doesn't mean you can go out clubbing all the time". When we argue he runs to girls and tells them everything and plans to meet up with them then lies to me about it. In the first 3 months of our relationship he was talking to other girls on facebook and texting them and complimenting them and planning on meeting up with them behind my back. He always looks through my phone but says he is just playing games on it. He has never hit me, but sometimes when he looses him temper I do get a bit scared. Once he really lost his temper started chucking things, punching things and head butting things. I started crying and he said "go on cry, you wont get any sympathy off me". When he is annoyed at me he throws my past relationships in my face saying things like "go run back to him, he is the one that use to hit you, if you can love someone that hit you. Why cant you love me? I have never hit you" there he is referring to my ex boyfriend that hit me. He also says "run back to him" and all those things to me. once he told me that my own family don't like me. In the beginning of the relationship he use to tell his family when we argued and made it all my fault. I started feeling uncomfortable to go to his home. When we argue he wont leave my house either he just sits there with my family, and he knows that I will get into trouble off my family for us arguing and him not leaving. He says to me that every boy flirts with me and looks at me. He says the doesnt like me going out drinking because he doesnt trust other boys and he constantly texts me when I am out and tells me to go home by a certain time

    Reply

    K - 07/04/2014

    • Dear K,

      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of strength to share what is happening to you. You have been brave to post here and to seek out some support to assist you in the situation you are in at the moment.

      Your boyfriend is being emotionally abusive to you. All the things you write about in your message are ways in which he is controlling you, by putting you down, by dealing with conflict by hitting things and head butting things, buy telling you what you can wear and what you can do. He is also trying to cause problems between you and your family. These are all abusive behaviours and they sound like they might escalate. You have previously been in an abusive relationship, are you seeing any parallels between the ways your current boyfriend is acting and how your previous one behaved? You do not deserve to be treated the way you are being. You should be treated with love and care by the person you are with, and be supported to live your life freely, have friends and experience life. Not told what you can and cannot do or wear or who you can see.

      Your boyfriend is being controlling because he chooses to be. What is happening is not your fault.


      From your message I can see that your family are aware of the relationship and know him – have you explained how abusive it is and that he tries to make you think that they don’t like you? If you can talk to them about your relationship they may be more supportive towards you and not let him sit in the house when you do not want to be around him. If you don’t feel you can’t talk to anyone in your life about what is happening you can call the domestic abuse helpline. You can reach them on 0808 2000 247 - they are open 24 hours a day and will be able to listen to you and discuss your options. The more support you have the better able you will be to decide what to do next.

      As you have been in an abusive relationship before I’m wondering if you have had any support for that. Abuse is traumatic and a lot for a person to cope with alone. If you have not has support, this website is a good place to look for help in your local area.

      www.womensaid.org.uk

      We also have a live chat function on the site 5-7 weekdays.

      Take care,

      Becca


      This is Abuse team 07/04/2014

  • najah

    05/04/2014

    My boyfriend he always say to me come with me at home but I don't believe him old then me he is very strange man and I scared him because I don't wane have a baby iam studies hard can anyone help me

    Reply

    najah - 05/04/2014

    • Dear Najah,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear that you are feeling unable to control the situation you are in at the moment. It’s good that you have had the courage and strength to post here.

      Your message is quite brief but it sounds like you are in a relationship with an older man, who is pressuring you to go back to his house alone, but you are frightened of this and you are frightened that you will be pressurised or forced into sex. That’s a hard situation for you to be in and I wonder if you are able to discuss this with anyone in your life, such as family, friends or a trusted adult? If you feel you can’t talk to anyone in your life you can call the national domestic abuse helpline. You can reach them on 0808 2000 247 - they are open 24 hours a day and will be able to listen to you and discuss your options.

      In your message you describe the man as strange, as you have not given us much information it’s hard to know what you mean by this. Do you think he is a danger to you? If so you could also tell the police. Depending on how old you are and how old he is he may be breaking the law (If you are under 16 and he is over 16).

      If you would like to post another message, or come on to the live chat and tell us a little bit more about what is going on for you at the moment, one of the advisors could maybe give you more specific help. The live chat is open 5-7 weeknights and I would encourage you to get in touch so we can offer you some more support.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 07/04/2014

  • Laura

    21/03/2014

    I am glad these videos, especially the mental abuse ones are being shown. Until I saw them, I didn't know what I experienced was abuse. My ex, to everyone outside our relationship was seen as the 'nice' guy. A decent, genuinely good guy. But behind closed doors he picked away at my confidence with comments, and looks. First it was my clothes, he didn't think that top, dress or outfit was 'appropriate' for someone in a relationship. Then my friends, he thought they were bad influences on me and had me cut them off, see less of them. Then it was my family, then he didn't want me going anywhere without him because I wasn't 'safe', he'd tell me that I could be attacked if he wasn't there. Then he stopped me going to work for the same reason, telling me he loved me and wanted me safe and at home where he could 'look after me'. While this was all going on he would randomly grope me at any given point if we were both at home. My breasts, my bum, while I was cooking in the kitchen, doing the laundry, general cleaning, or even if I just walked past him. I told him I didn't like it but he carried on and I learned not to argue. My libido vanished because of the groping, I felt dirty and used, and he didn't like that I didn't want to have sex with him. He would try and manipulate me into it 'you would if you loved me, you'll like it once you start'....and then one night it got worse, I woke up to find him having sex with me while I was asleep. I pushed him off, and rolled away, he rolled away and went to sleep, leaving me shaking and in silent tears. I couldn't handle talking about it, I was scared of him, even without knowing why I was, and so I pretended it wasn't happening, but it happened again and again. The only reason I am single now is because he left me for someone else, he'd been having an affair behind my back and he just came home from work, told me and left one day. He did me a favour but now I have been left with this dirty secret I cant talk to anyone about. I haven't told my parents, nor the police. Iv'e only recently found out that sex, while asleep is rape and I feel sick, and dirty, and like I cant ever have a relationship again. I'm too scared of men now. I don't know what to do.

    Reply

    Laura - 21/03/2014

    • Hi Laura,

      Thanks for your message. Domestic abuse very often starts of with emotional abuse, using name calling and other tactics to make us feel worthless. Over time this abuse like in your situation can become physical and sexual. To outsiders our abusers can seem to be the perfect partner making it harder for us to speak out about the abuse as we will fear others will not believe us.

      Abusers who sexually assault and rape us can feel that they have total control over us. No matter if you are in a relationship or not we all have the right to say no to sex. If a person does not respect our wishes and continues this is rape and against the law.

      I would recommend you contact www.womensaid.org.uk and also www.rapecrisis.org.uk who can offer you advice and support.

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 21/03/2014

  • natalie

    06/03/2014

    I need help cause i have just came out ov an abusive marriage not only physical but mentally if someone could give me a newport number 2 speak 2 someone i would really appreciate it thanks xx

    Reply

    natalie - 06/03/2014

    • Dear Natalie,

      Thank you for your message, it takes a lot of strength to survive in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and to seek help. You have been brave and done that, there is support out there for you.

      You can reach your local women’s Aid centre by following the link below.
      http://www.nptwomensaid.org.uk/

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 07/03/2014

  • sofia manir

    05/03/2014

    Im extremely glad that this campaign has become so popular and is being broadcasted a lot.

    Reply

    sofia manir - 05/03/2014

  • S

    24/02/2014

    Im extremely happy that this campaign has become so popular and is being broadcasted a lot. Im glad that they are using the Patrick and Maxine story line as it is relatable and people can identify with it. Its great to see this as being brought up in an environment where domestic abuse happened and eventually finished all you want is people to have the confidence to stand up and tell someone about their situation. I really hope this campaign helps many people get out of their current situations and get help if they need it x

    Reply

    S - 24/02/2014

  • ali

    21/02/2014

    i moved to a new area to be with my partner three years ago. i work from home and my work is linked to his job. he doesn't shout or scream or hit me, but he does go into really dark moods and refuses to speak to me for hours sometimes days. the first time was because i wore a top he didn,t like, i now have to wear clothes that completely cover me. i don't go out without him or have any contact with my old friends. it has got to the point where i have to avoid certain shops because men work in them and in the supermarket i now look at the floor in case i look up and make eye contact with a man. i really do feel trapped, i have no where to go as if i leave i will be homeless and unemployed. I now never go out side the house without him. i really don't know what to do.

    Reply

    ali - 21/02/2014

    • Hello Ali

      Thanks for your message. Abuse is not just physical and what your are describing appears to be a very controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. Your partner is controlling your daily life with his demands about how you dress, act in public and stopping your contact with your friends. Also subjecting you to periods of time where you are ignored and not acknowledged is a form of psychological abuse. This must be terribly hard for you to cope with and manage. Is there anyone at all whom you could talk to and confide in about what is going on? It is so important to try and get some emotional support for yourself if you can.

      Try and take a look at these two websites - www.womensaid.org.uk and www.refuge.org.uk. Both of them have lots of information about domestic violence and a button at the top of the page which deletes the history so it cannot be checked up on. Also if you can call the National helpline on 0808 2000 247 they will be able to talk through options with you and you can maybe think about the possibility of seeking a space in a refuge. The helpline will be also able to explain what leaving might mean in terms of employment and benefits.They have lots of experience in these matters as many women leaving an abusive relationship are left homeless and unemployed as a consequence of the abuse. The helpline staff will not tell you what to do but will give you choices which you can think about

      I hope that helps as a starting point and that you are able to get some useful advice

      take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 22/02/2014

  • A

    19/02/2014

    I have been with my boyfriend for around 6 months. He doesn't abuse me but he doesn't allow be to keep in contact with my male friends. When I go out he constantly texts me and calls me to check up on me, and gets very angry when he doesn't get an instant reply. I'm always made to feel like I'm a bad girlfriend and that talking to guys that I have been friends with for years is an awful thing and I shouldn't do it. Whenever I try discuss it he gets really angry and walks out or shouts at me. He also sometimes even stops me seeing my girlfriends as he thinks they are all bad influences and I should spend all my time with him.

    Reply

    A - 19/02/2014

    • Hi

      Although you say that he isn't abusing you, by controlling who you see he is actually emotionally abusing and controlling you which can be very serious. It is not ok for him to tell you who you can and can't see. A relationship should be built on respect and trust.

      Have you been able to talk to any of your friend or family about what has been happening? It is a good idea to do that.

      There is some useful information on this website:
      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/relationship/

      I think you need to think about whether you want to be in a relationship where someone treats you so badly. If you don't then you need to think how to end it safely - this is best done in public and not on your own. There are tips on the site above as well.
      We also have a live chat on here every mon-fri between 5-7pm.

      Take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 20/02/2014

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Results: 1 - 15 of 140

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