This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Zoe's story

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

what do you think? share your opinions

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Results: 15 - 30 of 548

  • jon

    27/02/2014

    my partner was in a very abusive relationship b4 we met he use to beat her put her in hospital many times she finally got out but it really dented her confidence when we got together ittook a long time to earn her trust but i may have blow it because the other day i was bending over bed and she give me a wack on bum in shock i spun round waving my hand and caught her i feel reel bad because of it

    Reply

    jon - 27/02/2014

    • Dear Jon,
      Thank you for your message. It’s a brave thing to post here about feeling that you have hurt your partner. I understand you are feeling bad about what happened, but for her it would have been a very frightening thing to experience.
      You can call the Respect phone line on 9898 802 40 40 Monday – Friday (9-5) if you are worried about your behaviour towards your partner. It is a confidential helpline where you can talk about how you re feeing about the incident.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

  • Faye

    25/02/2014

    Hi, I was hoping for some advice. About two and a half years ago I was drugged and raped by a stranger. It was a very tough time in my life and I suffered Ptsd for quite some time. Luckily now im well over it after much counselling and have now met a lovely guy and we have been dating for 8 months. I love him dearly. However recently a few issues arised about things sexually and I felt that I had to tell him to let him understand why I am a bit withdrawn in regards to being intimate. I felt better talking to him about it and getting it off my chest. But now I think he hasnt taken it too well and he said he was upset by it. I have asked him to keep it to himself as obviously this isn't something I would like people to know. I just feel a bit confused as how to broach the whole thing. Talking about it does upset me still but I dont want him looking at me with pity. Please help if you can. Thank you xx

    Reply

    Faye - 25/02/2014

    • Dear Faye,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how hard it was for you to share what happened to you with your partner, and how much work you have done in your recovery.

      You experienced something really traumatic and took so many steps to help you recover. You have now shared this with your partner and he was upset. That’s hard for you as now you feel like you need to protect his feelings, when you are the person that deserves support as you have been through a lot and survived that.

      You are frightened he will look at you with pity, but you are not to be pittied as you have been strong in your recovery. Have you been able to talk through your feelings about this with anyone else in your life, such as a trusted friend or family member? If not maybe you could talk this through with someone such as Rape Crisis You can reach them on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9:30pm). The helpline is strictly confidential and they will be a good place for you to explore how you feel about telling your boyfriend and how you can manage the feelings it brings up for you.

      If you would like to discuss this more we have a live chat weeknights 5-7.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 27/02/2014

  • Kim

    23/02/2014

    Needing a step in the right direction,a close 14 year old has confided in me..they need help after abuse,I don't know how to go about getting some form of confidential counselling arranged can anyone help please? X

    Reply

    Kim - 23/02/2014

    • Hi Kim
      It is great that someone felt they could confide in you, but I know it can be hard to then have that responsibility of trying to help them.

      Do you think they would feel comfortable coming on this site? We have a live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm and can talk to them about what happened.

      You can also contact rape crisis for advice - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ 0808 802 9999

      I hope this helps,
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 25/02/2014

  • kyleigh

    17/02/2014

    Was in a 2 year relationship all was great first couple months. Always used his money to get around me. Until one night he constantly touched me while in bed gotnwoken up several tine with him actually having sexual intercourse with myself. Tried pushing him away an telling him no. Nothing seemed to work. It was happenening an awduly lot got pregnant where he still constantly done the same thing. Most of the time he done it while I was sleeping. Yntil kne night I was pretending to be asleep an forze there again he still had sex without my permission even 2 days after the baby told him no. He still forced himself on me.
    No one in my family believed me even when it was reported ..
    I have to live with this an look at my daughter every day knowing what he has done to myself. .

    Reply

    kyleigh - 17/02/2014

    • Hi Kyleigh

      What you are describing is rape, if someone forces sex when you are asleep then they do not have your consent. It must have been very frightening, especially when you were pregnant and so soon after giving birth.

      Are you still in the relationship? I understand how hard it must be and that your daughter may seem like a constant reminder of what happened, but she is a separate person to him, and your safety and hers is the most important thing.

      I think you need some support to cope with what has happened, you went through an extreme trauma - rape crisis are brilliant and will be able to listen to you and support you. They also have local centres all around the country - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline - 0808 802 9999

      You can also ring the national domestic violence helpline on 0800 2000 247 if you are still with him, or even if you are not as he may still try to contact you. There may also be issues around him wanting contact with your baby, in which case the helpline can advise you on that and how to make sure it happens safely.

      You do not have to cope with this alone, none of this was your fault and there is alot of support here for you.
      We also have a live chat every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you ant to talk to us more.
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 18/02/2014

  • Lisa

    13/02/2014

    I was heavily pregnant when it forst happend to me it was my boyfriend at the time (not my babys dad) and he got drunk he wouldnt take no for an answer and seemed to like the struggle it all stopped for a few weeks untill i had my baby then it started again even of my baby was in the same room if i cried he seemed to like it more this carried on for months until i finally got the courage to end it. I have been on anti depressants ever since and this happend just over three years ago i was too scared to go to the police i thought they would nust say well its your boyfriend so it was consentual i blame myself for it all happening if only i had walked away after the 1st time

    Reply

    Lisa - 13/02/2014

    • Hello Lisa

      Thanks for contacting us and finding the courage to talk about what has happened to you. It is never easy to leave an abusive relationship whatever the circumstances and it is really common for the person who has been abused to feel they are responsible and to blame. It is important for you to know that this is not your fault and you are in no way responsible for what happened.

      Have you got anyone you can talk to for some emotional support? I can hear that this is still a struggle for you but having someone you trust to confide in can help. You might also want to consider whether you would want to report this to the police. The fact it was some time ago doesn't make any difference.The police take all disclosures of rape very seriously irregardless of how long ago it happened. The other thing worth mentioning is that most people who experience rape actually know the perpetrator so again the police would not be dismissive because he was your boyfriend - they support many women in situations similar to what you are describing as part of their daily work.

      Whether you decide to report or not really the most important thing is for you to have some help so you can come to terms with what has happened and move forward and enjoy your life. You could think about calling the charity Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999 who are very experienced in supporting people with your circumstances. Again it doesn't matter that this happened a while ago and they can provide you with advice and counselling. If that doesn't sound like the right choice for you maybe try and talk to your GP to see if they can arrange some counselling for you. It can feel scary to think about talking about it but long term it may help you move forward.

      We also have Live Chat sessions Mon- Fri 5 -7 if it would help to chat to one of us. I hope that helps as a starting point and that things start to improve for you

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 15/02/2014

  • Georgia

    04/02/2014

    i was in a relationship on and off for 3 years with this boy. For the first few months of the relationship everything was perfect, he complimented me and made me feel special.. when i was 14 i had sex with him, and i used to go to his house every weekend, things got progressively worse.. Every time i went round, if i couldnt stay for long he would get angry and not talk to me and everytime he wanted sex off me, he started flirting with lots of girls and boasted about it to my face and made me cry and get angry. The memories were great but after a year, he started calling me ugly and fat and started hitting me for no reason, every night he would want a picture (dirty) and if it wasnt good enough or i didnt want to, he wouldnt talk to me or he would talk to me in a way which made me feel low. He made me and my family fall out, the police got involved, i got kicked out the house and nearly sent to boarding schoool because of how i acted and how bad i was. I have now bee n diagnosed with MDD and i dont have the confidence about myself that i used to and cant help but miss everything good that happened with him.. could you give me advice on what to do to boost my confidence and get over my ex?

    Reply

    Georgia - 04/02/2014

    • Hello Georgia

      Thank you for getting in touch with us. It sounds like you have had a terrible time and its no surprise that you feel low in confidence and are struggling to recover from this. Now that you have managed to get out of this relationship Georgia have you been able to talk to someone about what it was like and what went on. One of the most important things for you is to be able to get some support and be able to talk about what happened. Are the services supporting you with the MDD able to help?Maybe they could arrange some counselling for you.

      There are services out there that could help for example a survivors programme where you attend a group with women who have had similar experiences.Also some areas also offer self esteem groups or assertiveness courses especially for women. If you call the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 they will be able to tell you more about whats available in your area so try and give them a call.

      it can feel really daunting to think about attending a group but most people who decide to attend fiund them really useful. It helps you make new friendships and to understand that the abuse is not your fault - that in itself will help boost your confidence.

      I hope you are able to get some local help and that things improve soon

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 05/02/2014

  • k

    03/02/2014

    I was raped by a neighbour i thought was helping - my washing machine flooded and water was leaking everywhere he fixed the machine and then raped me - I was 17 at the time it happened in my bed next just feet away from my sleeping son. I went to the police and to court - All he got was a two year suspended sentence - I have counselling , take anti depressants and keep a diary. but I'm still left with the flashbacks,nightmares daily thoughts of hatred and that I am dirty. I feel as though he has won and I will never be me again. I dont understand how the 'justice' system can let one down so much. I really find it hard to see a way out of this. It feels like the rest of my life was carved out for me that night. I just want to know if anyone else is further on in thier journey and has found a way out yet because I'm fast loosing hope.

    Reply

    k - 03/02/2014

    • Dear K,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how angry and distressed you are. You did not get the justice you deserved and I understand how difficult you are finding your recovery. Rape is a terrifying ordeal and the after affects can be frightening and overwhelming at times.

      You suffered a life-changing event and the process of healing is a slow one. I hear that you feel that your life has been damaged beyond repair by the rape and I want to reassure you that there is more support out there for you if the help you have had has been inadequate for your needs. Have you spoken to any other survivors of rape? It sounds like this is something you are looking for by posting here. I have put a link below to a website where you can look for groups in your area where you may be able to meet other women who have gone through what you have, and where you can talk about the journey you are on with them.

      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

      You have taken lots of steps to assist yourself in your recovery and have had to be proactive in doing that. It’s a hard thing to do and it shows how strong and capable you are that you have done all this and to have gone through a court case, which is always traumatic.

      It sounds like you may need some more support to help you deal with the feelings of nightmares and the flashbacks you are experiencing. I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence and trauma. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). The helpline can be a good place to talk about things when they become overwhelming. I have also put some links below that may be helpful for you.

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_copingWithFlashbacks_forSurvivors.pdf

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_postTraumaticStressDisorder.pdf


      You say you feel that your attacker has won, but you reported to the police, went to court and got a guilty verdict. While the sentence was not one that could satisfy anyone, you did a good and difficult thing, and you did win. And by living your life and continuing to heal you are winning now.

      Take care and thanks again for your message.

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 04/02/2014

  • Melissa

    03/02/2014

    I had a friend i knew him for years one day he asked me to meet him i met up with him as normal and we went through the wolds to his house, he stopped basically half way and we were just talking..then he tried to kiss me i pulled away i didnt want to, then he tripped me up i got up then he pushed me again i was on the grounf he pullef my leggings down and laid on top of me with all his weight he started having sex with me i was crying and slapping him to get of me and he eventually did, this was in the summer ive tomd people but ive never told the police i dont want to im scared to its affecting my college work i think i have to leave i need help but dont know where to start, for some reason i feel in the wrong though because im 17 and hes only 16...

    Reply

    Melissa - 03/02/2014

    • Dear Melissa,

      Thank you for your message. You have shown a lot of strength sharing what has happened to you here. It’s a hard thing to talk about and I can hear that you are feeling really overwhelmed by what happened to you. You have made a big step reaching out for support.

      What happened to you was not your fault and you were not in the wrong. Your friend raped you and he chose to do that. There was nothing you could do to make you responsible for that; the blame is all on him. The age difference is meaningless, just because you are older does not make him any less responsible for the crime he committed.

      You say you have told people and I’m wondering if they have been supportive to you? You say this is affecting your work and that’s not unusual. You have gone through something really traumatic and very serious. You deserve some support.

      I understand if you feel like you can’t talk about this with your family, you may want to talk to someone else in your life that you trust, such as a tutor at college, especially if you feel you are at risk of disrupting your education because of the effects of the rape. I would also encourage you to call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence and trauma. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). You say that you don’t know where to start, talking about what has happened with a professional on the helpline will help you work out what you want to do next and how next, and how you can cope with the after effects.

      If you want to talk about this more with one of our team you can use the live chat function 5-7 weeknights.

      Take care,
      Becca







      This is Abuse team 04/02/2014

  • Dave

    02/02/2014

    I have said no many a time when I haven't fancied it but she has done me any way. This is bull if you are in a relationship.

    Reply

    Dave - 02/02/2014

    • Hi Dave,

      I completely disagree. Although UK law doesn't allow a man to be physically raped by a woman, when a man is pressured or coerced in to having sex it is sexual assault.

      It is never acceptable for someone to be forced against their will to have sex, and the law on consent says that someone must state 'yes' to sex.

      Consensual sex is about respect, and respecting your partner enough to stop if they say no. If you would like to talk to someone a little bit more about your experiences then Survivors UK is a national helpline for men who have experienced sexual assault. Their telephone number is 0845 122 1201. Alternatively, if you want to talk to someone about healthy relationships then you can call the Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 03/02/2014

  • Chin

    02/02/2014

    Last year saturday december 14 I was on holiday staying at my cousin's house and her step brother raped me. Ever since that my life has never been the same again..I'm always angry, I keep pushing away my bf that I started dating before this happened. I don't want to have sex anymore, I have no to talk to, I always remember it, its always on my mind. I feel like its driving me mad. I'm always getting flash backs

    Reply

    Chin - 02/02/2014

    • Hi Chin,

      It sounds like a really awful experience. And rape is a very traumatic incident. It is going to have a huge effect on your mental health.

      There are options for you, if you wanted to report this to the Police then you still could. But I also think you need to look at what support there is for your mental health. You can ring Rape Crisis if you are having difficulties about something that has happened in the past. If you ring them, they can offer telephone counselling and 'one to one' counselling, practical and emotional support and practical information. They will not tell you what to do or judge your actions.

      Counselling provides a space to help you gain a clearer understanding of yourself and your situation. Rape Crisis counsellors will never force you to talk about anything you are not ready to. At any of your appointments the counsellor will answer any questions you have about counselling or other support needs. You and your counsellor will review whether you feel the counselling is meeting your needs on a regular basis.

      None of this is your fault, he chose to do this to you. It was out of your control. But what you have to focus on at the moment is getting some support for yourself. You might want to consider any close friends or family members that you may wish to tell, as they may be able to put in some extra support for you.

      But also, please give Rape Crisis a call on 0808 802 9999.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 03/02/2014

  • cloe

    01/02/2014

    Hello I'm a little confused. There a few boys my age That grab without permission. They tell me bad things and try to pressure me into doing things with them. I haven't and I won't becoz I don't want to
    Is this normal behaviour for boys? To touch girls??

    Reply

    cloe - 01/02/2014

    • Hi Cloe,

      Thanks for coming forward and talking about this. It must seem quite a difficult thing to do.

      Grabbing someone is not normal behaviour, and when it is more than one person it is even more concerning, because they encourage each other to believe that it is ok.

      If they are grabbing you in sexual ways then this is sexual assault, so if they were to grab your breast or your bum. This is not ok. It is really important to tell somebody about what is happening, so maybe a teacher or somebody at school who you trust, you might also consider telling a parent.

      If you want to talk to someone about what is happening then you can call childlike on 0800 1111 if you are under 16, if you are 16 or over then you can call the national helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      It's really important to remember that this is not acceptable, it is your body, and you don't have to let anybody touch it unless you want them to.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 02/02/2014

  • Alexa

    01/02/2014

    my bf made me have sex with him although he had said he didn't want to have sex half an hour before and I tried to put him off but he carried on and I stopped resisting it because I was abit horrified and didn't know what to think and didn't want it to be rape but is this still rape, I don't know what to do because I work with him and still want to be with him but I don't want him to touch me anymore, and when I am alone with him he can be really nice but has said some horrible things to me when in front of other people, Im feeling really confused about it, I think I have been raped before but I never told anyone because he was a friend still to family and didn't feel I could talk about it

    Reply

    Alexa - 01/02/2014

    • Hi Alexa,

      It sounds like there are a few issues here that it might be helpful to explore.

      It is never acceptable for somebody to pressure or force you to have sex, or perform sexual acts. This is rape. To have consensual sex you must actually say yes. It is not enough for your partner or a person to presume that you want to have sex, and it is still rape if you feel like you 'give in' when you are pressured to have sex. This is not your fault.

      I think it would be really helpful to talk about what has happened in a little bit more detail. You can talk to us on Live Chat Monday-Friday, 5pm until 7pm, but you can also call Rape Crisis, their telephone number is 0808 802 9999, they can talk through what you have experienced and look at what support can be put in place for you.

      It might also be helpful to talk to a friend about what has happened so that you have a little bit more support.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 01/02/2014

  • Renaldo Walker

    23/01/2014

    I have been raped what do you think my friend said call the cops but i decided not to because it might cause chaos ideas and response help me

    Reply

    Renaldo Walker - 23/01/2014

    • no hun tell the police, you need to do something about this because rape is such a serious thing and if this has happened to you your going to have to tell the police trust me you will feel better when all of this is over and that will start when you tell them. you don't have to say something you don't want to, you say what ever you are comfortable with! chin up you haven't done anything wrong.

      courtney - 27/01/2014

    • Thank you for your message. I am so sorry to hear that you have been raped.
      It is your decision whether to call the police or not, a good idea may be to first contact a support service such as rape crisis who can offer you support and advice. If you want to then tell the police they can support you with that process.

      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

      They are aimed at working with women and girls, but will be able to listen and direct you to the right service if you are a male.

      You can also contact Survivors UK http://www.survivorsuk.org/ 0845 122 1201 who work with male victims of sexual violence
      or Survivors Trust http://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/find-support/ have details of lots of support groups around the country.

      You deserve support and do not have to go through this alone, I hope that this helps.
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 25/01/2014

  • Annoymous

    20/01/2014

    I never thought he was abusive until I saw the mtv campaign listing behaviours. He is controlling, he shouts if I don't want to do what he wants. He shouts if im not on time. He always tells me my opinion is valid but you know when I speak up - im wrong. He always tells me that I cant tell my friends about how angry he gets cos it hurts him. One time he threw his phone across the floor in an argument which doesn't sound like much but at the time he was so angry. I thought he was going to throw it at me. He was drunk one time and insisted we walk home rather than taxi it. I don't like walking home where I live. It's not a safe place. He did things to scare me like show off my purse to dogdey ppl who were hanging round.

    And you know ... Everytime he says he cant remember and he's really sorry and that he won't let me go because h loves me so much I love him but I don't know how much I can take.

    I don't know what the difference between argument and absuse is.....

    Reply

    Annoymous - 20/01/2014

    • Dear Annonymous,

      Thanks for your post. I am really pleased that you decided to get in touch.

      The things that your boyfriend is doing sound as though they are designed to frighten you, which is abusive in itself. Putting you in dangerous situations is really not okay, nor is making you feel that you cannot say that you don’t want to do something.

      Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Perhaps an adult that you trust? It doesn’t have to be someone in authority.

      It is very difficult when someone is saying that they care for us, or that they take our thoughts and feelings seriously but their actions say something else. It is important to be aware of what someone actually does. It sounds as though you are worried about the way he has behaved towards you, and I would agree it is something to be concerned about.

      If you wanted to talk with an advisor about it you could use the Live Chat function on this site Monday to Friday 5pm-7pm.

      You don’t say how old you are but if you are over 16 you might want to speak with an advisor on the National 24 Hour helpline on 0808 2000 247, if you are under 18 you could call Childline and speak with a counsellor.

      Take Care,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team - 22/01/2014

  • anisa khan

    16/01/2014

    if someone raped me what shall i do

    Reply

    anisa khan - 16/01/2014

    • Hello Anisa

      Thank you for contacting us and if this is what has happened to you it must be very distressing for you and its important that you see if you can get some help for yourself. Is there anyone you trust who you could talk to about what has happened?

      Rape is a very serious crime and should be reported to the local police in the area that you live. They have specially trained officers to support victims of rape who will give advice and support as well as deal with the investigation. However, this can seem like a very scary thing to do as often victims of rape worry that they might not be believed or feel ashamed about what has happened. If you did think about reporting it would be good to take a close friend or family member with you for support and to keep reminding yourself that what has happened is not your fault.

      If you do not feel able to report it you should maybe see your GP or local sexual health clinic where they can check you out physically as you may need emergency contraception - all of this would be done confidentially .It would also be good to contact the national charity Rape crisis for some support and advice. They won't tell you what to do but will discuss options with you about what you can do and the care you might need be that physical or emotional. Their helpline number is 0808 8029999 and the website is www.rapecrisis.org.uk

      Try and talk to someone and get some support for yourself.There are services available that can help and you should not have to cope with this alone

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 16/01/2014

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Results: 15 - 30 of 548

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