This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Zoe's story

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

what do you think? share your opinions

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Experts from Young People’s Services of Respect and AVA are reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 180 - 195 of 546

  • Sarah

    20/12/2012

    i am fifteen and have slept with four boys, which may seem bad..i know but the one time i was trying to fit in so i lost my virginity which i was to blame but the second time i was so drunk and unable to hardly walk? with this boy i know but i dont ever speak too, is this rape? or was this my fault?

    also one of the last times, i was at a party with the influence of drink.. i was doing different things with this boy but not sex.. well i was quite drunk and he never warned me but he 'slipped it in' and then we had sex? was this my fault also for being drunk? im confused

    Reply

    Sarah - 20/12/2012


    • Hi Sarah, thanks for your post.

      Please don’t feel pressurised by your peers into having sex as there is no rush or competition. It's a fact that the average age for having sex for the first time is 16, the legal age, and many people prefer to wait until they’re older. Sexual relationships also come with consequences; risks like unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

      Rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Communication between both parties in a relationship is essential; Just because you didn’t say “no” does not mean you gave your consent. This is a crime regardless of whether you have been drinking or not.

      Your confusion is understandable; a lot of people who have experienced abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around. Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

      Please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can confide in.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.

      You can find out more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult

      Tempero Moderation 21/12/2012

  • angela

    20/12/2012

    Please i want to bring a charge against the man that raped me from the age of 10 and a half till i was around 16, i was not the only one there are many others.

    Please help me do this this man is out and free and is still very much a predator

    Reply

    angela - 20/12/2012

    • Hi Angela,

      Thanks for your post.

      It's extremely positive that you're taking this step for yourself, as a rape survivor, and also to protect others from this individual. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is a crime. You must contact the police on 999 to press charges against your abuser.

      Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.

      It may also help to find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can confide in.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.


      Tempero Moderation 20/12/2012

  • Jo

    19/12/2012

    I am unsure if I have been abused/sexually assaulted. A close friends partner, after a few drinks one attempted to undo my belt, button/fly, whilst I was trying to console a female friend on the phone who thought she was being broken into. I know this probably sounds far fetched but its true.

    I pushed his hands away and shook my head, mouthing NO, but he didn't stop and kept trying to get into my jeans! I ended up hiding in a locked bathroom until my friend on the phone came and picked me up. Was I sexually abused??

    He didn't physically force me to do anything. Since it happened I have been unable to leave my home, I have questioned my behaviours, the way I interact with people, to the point everytime I think about it I am reduced to tears. I've told my mum and my phone friend, they want to 'sort him out', and I still have yet to tell his partner, my long term friend who will be devastated with what he tried to do......

    Sorry to go on help guidance opinions greatly received.

    Reply

    Jo - 19/12/2012

    • Hi Jo,

      Thanks for your message. There's no question this man's behaviour was inappropriate, invasive and deeply intimidating. Being pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, is unacceptable.

      A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves, but you made it clear to this individual that you were not interested in any form of intimacy. As such, the responsibility lies solely with him, not with you. Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

      You mention that you have spoken to your mother and a friend. You might now consider speaking to someone qualified to offer professional advice in these situations.

      You can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      Take care.

      Tempero Moderation 20/12/2012

  • NoName

    19/12/2012

    I went to a party, I did go upstairs with him but I didn't want to do it...

    we kissed but I said no, so many times... he still tried to but I managed to get away.

    I think it is my fault how he go it out and put a condom on... but is it my fault?

    What is it that he did to me?

    Reply

    NoName - 19/12/2012

    • Hi Noname,
      Thank you for your post.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you didn’t feel comfortable with was unacceptable.
      Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      Tempero Moderation 20/12/2012

  • Louise

    18/12/2012

    I was raped in July. He couldn't face the fact that I didn't want to have sex with him as he had already told his mates that it was going to happen then, so raped me.

    I've told a few mates but I don't think that I can tell my parents or report it, as I just want to forget that it happened and telling would have the complete opposite affect.

    Reply

    Louise - 18/12/2012

    • Hi Louise,

      Thanks for your message, we were sorry to read your story. It must have taken courage for you to face up to the events of July, even if it meant speaking out to us as strangers. But this was just the beginning; while it might seem right to want to push this traumatic experience to the back of your mind, in the long run, suppressing what happened to you may do more harm than good.

      It does not matter if you were in a relationship with this boy or if he was a friend. When someone makes you do something you do not want to do, it means you are not consenting, and it is rape. It also does not matter if you started out by saying yes and then changed your mind, or if you feel like you 'gave in'. It is also never OK to make someone feel bad if they don't want to have sex - this is a form of emotional abuse.

      You mention that you confided in a few friends, but perhaps it's time to look elsewhere to be listened to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      Take care.

      Tempero Moderation 19/12/2012

  • Esther

    18/12/2012

    My friend pushed me into the boys toilet then started to it felt nice for a bit then i said STOP then he started to say why then pushing me in when he was done he said that was enough.

    I keep on blaming myself what should I do?

    Reply

    Esther - 18/12/2012

    • Hi Esther,

      Thanks for your message. You're absolutely right to be concerned about your friend's behaviour towards you; it was an act of violence, neither normal nor okay, and to be clear, it was against the law.

      A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with your friend, not with you. Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

      It will help to talk to someone. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.

      You can find out more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult

      Tempero Moderation 19/12/2012

  • ellie

    18/12/2012

    one of my close friends sister was raped and she took it abit too much and i think she was ashamed of her self and committed suiced..
    .
    if it does happen to anyone then you need to tell your parents, close friends, brothers/ sisters, family and the police so they can stop who ever is doing it to STOP before they do it again.

    theres no reason to feel ashamed of your self cause it wasnt your fault.

    just saying dont tell anyone because that will make you feel more aloone then telling someone.

    Reply

    ellie - 18/12/2012

  • hilary

    17/12/2012

    I was raped 4 years ago, by someone I knew, I felt that I was 2 blame. I was 2 ashamed 2 tell anyone about what happened, I got so low I got dignosed with depression.

    Reply

    hilary - 17/12/2012

    • you wernt to blame, you didnt want it to happen..

      it wasnt your your choice. it always feels when its someone you know aswell..

      sorry to hear about what happened

      ellie - 18/12/2012

    • Hello Hilary,

      We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
      If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 18/12/2012

  • Beckie

    17/12/2012

    This video is the same as what has happened to me weeks ago.

    Reply

    Beckie - 17/12/2012

    • Hi Beckie

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If this has happened to you, try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      Tempero Moderation 17/12/2012

  • Nadia

    17/12/2012

    A good a advert, but when you have a young lady who is returning a kiss and initially looks comfortable then it's sending the wrong signals to the other person who may fancy a bit more. First thing is DON'T get yourself in to this situation in the first place. she is alone with this man,. The signs of trouble are already brewing, It is scary and men and women both need to think about what they may be getting themselves into, before matters get worse. that's my opinion

    Reply

    Nadia - 17/12/2012

    • To be honest as a guy, thats quite offensive, guys are capable of kissing/touching a girl then not having sex... We're not mindless animals, we're capable of distinguishing right from wrong and if someone does something wrong, then they should deal with the fallout from that... especially if it was something as serious as rape...

      N - 26/12/2012

    • You have a right to say no to anything, at any point, and the other person has to respect that 'no'. If they don't, it's assault.

      No girl should have to fear kissing her boyfriend because he might push things further, and no girl should be made to feel that by kissing someone, she has promised sex!

      Annie - 20/12/2012

    • You are right she shouldn't get herself in that position in the first place...you are so brutally honest !
      Looking into a guys eyes like that, smiling and giggling letting him touch your waist and touching his,

      bringing him up to your room ( its no a barbie doll) and then saying its rape is wrong and is preying on the boy/mans vulunerability,

      Wendy - 18/12/2012

    • Are you serious???
      So it`s her own fault because she enjoys kissing him? And it`s not like he`s a stranger, they seem to be a couple. why is it so wrong to be alone with your boyfriend?? That doesn`t give him the right to rape you! Even if you return a small kiss!!

      Elena - 17/12/2012

  • user01

    16/12/2012

    this brings me to tears

    Reply

    user01 - 16/12/2012

  • Selina

    16/12/2012

    I thought this advert was good at showing awareness about rape. I'm 20 and i think this is a good way to show to awareness to the younger generation. But on the other hand I felt that it was quite hard to watch I found myself getting up very upset seeing what was going on. I think that yous could have shown different scenario; a women isnt the only person that can be raped and not all rapes happen at party. Mixed reviews to be honest, but overall i think this will defo get the message across.

    Reply

    Selina - 16/12/2012

    • Hello Selina,

      Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.

      We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.

      Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.

      Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.

      We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.

      We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp

      We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.

      Tempero Moderation 16/12/2012

  • RIFAD

    16/12/2012

    This is an excellent work against rape, eveteasing etc. We should be aware of this type of social crime. We need be conscious and should work for those woman.

    My opinion says this type of work is against of human rights - if everybody work for this, I'm sure we will be able to remove this crime. Best of luck for those woman and congratulation to the authority.

    Reply

    RIFAD - 16/12/2012

  • Keir

    16/12/2012

    I find it peculiar that you run an ad campaign with a very misleading slogan. I suspect that many people less impressionable than I would understand "Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape", as sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape. Rape is very clearly defined as being sex without consent.

    Well, actively wanting to have sex is not the same as agreeing to have sex. I can dislike doing something while not doing it against my will. For example, when I am asked to do the household chores, I don't want to do them but it would not be against my will for me to do them.

    I don't understand why you are defining rape as something which it is not. You can consent to something without actively wanting it. There is an important difference.

    Reply

    Keir - 16/12/2012

    • Hi Keir, thanks for your post.

      The campaign is trying to educate people on the definition of rape which is sex without consent – consent is when someone gives their permission to something and agrees to do this of their own accord, not because they are being pressured into making a decision.

      Someone doesn't have to say the word 'NO' to withhold their permission, there are lots of ways they might say they don't want to do something or have sex.

      Sometimes people might find it hard to say anything at all if they don't want to have sex, so it’s important that people look out for other signs that their partner might not be comfortable and might not be giving their consent.

      Thanks.

      Tempero Moderation 07/01/2013

  • El

    15/12/2012

    This advert is not the way to inform people about rape. As a victim myself seeing this breaks my heart every time because it might give others the awareness but for someone like me all it does is give me flashbacks and bad memories. I would appreciate it as would many other victims if this could be changed into something that isn't acting it out. I personally find it very disturbing to watch and i think many other victims would too.

    Reply

    El - 15/12/2012

    • Hi El,

      Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.

      We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.

      Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.

      Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.

      The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.

      We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.

      Tempero Moderation 16/12/2012

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