This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Zoe's story

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

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Results: 165 - 180 of 549

  • ANON

    30/12/2012

    A few weeks ago, I entered my FIRST ever relationship with a very compassionate boy.

    There are a few really quite complicated things about our relationship.

    To start with, I am 15, and he is 19. It's not much of an age gap, but every year above seems rather drastic at this age. Secondly, he lives in America.

    I have told myself, that if this relationship were to really work, we would both see through the obstacles, and be together in the end.

    There is one think that I am most confused about. Is it illegal to DATE a 19 year old if you are only 15?

    I know very well that it IS illegal, if the relationship were to take a sexual turn, and you must know, that I am a very sensible person, and I will not be participating in anything overtly intimate just yet. Nor will I be when I eventually hit the official age of consent at 16. (Next year).

    Reply

    ANON - 30/12/2012

    • Hi Anon, thank you for your post.

      It’s positive that you do not feel pressured by the geographical distance between you and your boyfriend to enter into sexual activity. The average age for having sex for the first time is 16, the legal age, and many people prefer to wait until they’re older. If your boyfriend cares for you, he will understand why you want to wait. Please remember, you always have the right to withhold consent.

      It is not illegal for a 19 and 15 year old to date each other. However, as you say, it would be against the law for you and your boyfriend to have sex now and as your boyfriend is 19 he could be charged with rape.

      Hope this helps.

      Tempero Moderation 31/12/2012

  • Anonymous

    29/12/2012

    A few months ago I was at a party, I was spiked and my friend brother offered to take me home to see my friend.

    When we arrived he told me I wasn't allowed to see my friend. He shoved me into his bedroom an then after that all I can remember is waking up crying for my boyfriend with my friends brother on top of me, he asked if I wanted him to stop and I said yes, so he did! After that I remember waking up shakey and confused.

    Was this classed as rape with him stopping when I asked? How do I tell my boyfriend without him wanting to split up with me? Will he understand? It was a while ago should I tell the police and my parents?

    Reply

    Anonymous - 29/12/2012

    • Hi Anonymous, thank you for sharing your story.

      We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. Your confusion is understandable. Even though he stopped after you asked him to, your friend’s brother forced you to have sex when you didn’t want to and this is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If your boyfriend cares about you he should understand that this was not your fault and the responsibility lies solely with your friend’s brother and not with you. Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

      We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone you trust about this if you can. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 31/12/2012

  • MATILDA

    29/12/2012

    this one time i stopped round my best mates house she has a older brother who is around 3 years older. he has always seemed to come across as a bit weird towards me but i didn't think anything of it until this one night.

    he had been out drinking with some homies and a few of these came back to his. my mates parents were away for the weekend and my friend left me in the house on my own whilst she met up with her bf and i was stuck with the boys.

    time passed and i was bored and they asked me to go in his room where they were smoking pot they forced me to have some and i was in a really bad way.

    the brother took me to the toilet and started touching me. i tried telling him no but i was in to much of a state he then went on to have sex me in more then one place and forced me to do weird stuff back to him i am 17 and dont know what to do

    Reply

    MATILDA - 29/12/2012

    • Hi Matilda, thanks for sharing your story.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. What your friend’s brother did to you was unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      No matter how long ago this happened please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Take care.

      Tempero Moderation 10/01/2013

  • Reneé

    28/12/2012

    Early last year I was in a happy relationship with someone who I felt safe with. Like Natasha, he wanted more.

    We had kissed before but I was always shy, even as a child. Being 15 when it happened I was still shy with a few anxieties etc.
    He came round to my house one day and he hadn't been round since before I decorated my bedroom, so I showed him what it looked like now. We lay on the bed together and I was talking to him about some recent stuff in my life, like normal. Then he started moving on top of me and being quite forceful. I told him I wasn't in the mood to mess around but he carried on despite the fact he was 16 and I was only 15 and I'd said no.

    I lost my virginity that day. I spent weeks crying, unable to come to terms with what happened. I spoke to my doctor about getting myself checked for STIs and he'd given me chlamydia. When I signed up for private counselling I spoke to my counsellor about what happened and it was only then I realised he'd raped me.

    Needless to say I never saw him again after he took my virgnity.

    I only told my mum after I tried (and failed) to kill myself. I told her why I wanted to die. I've been diagnosed with bipolar, emotionally unstable personality disorder and PTSD.

    That guy ruined my life. He stole what little innocence I had left.

    I'm learning to live with what has happened to me; a year later and I'm doing okay. I still think about what he did to me because it's something I'll never forget. It has ruined 2 relationships since then - mine and his not included. I'm terrified of this happening to me again but sharing what happened to me to my family has helped me so much. Since then, my older brother has started petitions against rape, raising awareness, raising money for charities etc.

    It's the little things in life that help you get through every day. It will forever be difficult for me to be in a stable relationship, I know, but talking to someone, mostly my family, about what I went through helped me in so many ways.

    I want to tell any and all rape / sexual assault victims that they aren't alone. This sight has made me realise this.

    As a survivor, I will continue to work with my brother to help raise awareness for rape and sexual assault. It is disgusting, it is abuse, and it shouldn't happen to anyone.

    Reply

    Reneé - 28/12/2012

  • Anonymous

    28/12/2012

    this advert is good. its like the male whats sex and doesnt know he is trying to rape.

    i lived with a man who thinks maried life is all about having sex.

    after he sexualy assulted me he told eveyone eveythink he even wanted to take porn pictures and make porn video.

    as a vitim of sexual assult and abuse porn should be against the law he see the videos on the internet and pictures in magzines. he wanted me to be one of them i dont want to be seen like that its just not right

    Reply

    Anonymous - 28/12/2012

    • Hi Anonymous, thanks for your post.

      We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.

      It does not matter if you are in a relationship with someone or if they are a stranger. When someone makes you do something you do not want to do, it means you are not consenting and it is rape. It also does not matter if you start out by saying yes and then change your mind, or if you feel like you have 'given in'. It is also never OK to make someone feel bad if they don't want to have sex as this is a form of emotional abuse.

      Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. You always have the right to withhold consent from sex, sexual activity or taking part in pornographic photos and videos.

      Try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      Tempero Moderation 31/12/2012

  • Natasha

    28/12/2012

    A couple of months ago, I was in a happy relationship, it was steady, but he wanted more.

    One day we went into my bedroom to watch a scary film , and we lay down on the bed with the film on.

    After this,he lay on top of me, and started kissing me< i agreed this was okay, but then he tried to undo my trouser button, i kept telling him no, but he didn't listen.

    My parents walked in, and they were devastated.

    He did it another time too. we were taking a romantic walk through the woods, and he shoved me against a tree and did the same thing, only this time he undid my button and was touching me.

    Is it my fault i wasn't strong enough to fight him off? I remember this every time I'm in a relationship, it scares me. but i'm learning to live with it.

    Reply

    Natasha - 28/12/2012

    • Hi Natasha,
      Thank you for posting.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable.

      Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
      You were being put under pressure to have sex when you didn’t want it.

      Try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      Tempero Moderation 28/12/2012

  • natasha

    28/12/2012

    I think rape is disgusting, and people who do that should be put away for life, as that s taking away somebodies confidence and self esteem.

    My mum's had a past experience with something like that.it's horrible and I hate abuse too.

    Reply

    natasha - 28/12/2012

  • Sally

    28/12/2012

    I'm SO glad someone actually stands up to shares this kind of thing!!!

    SO MUCH CONFIDENCE! Who ever did this, I don't care if they're famous or not, I NEED to get their autograph!!!

    Anyways, the video wasn't great, it was OK. It kind of looked like a girl was cheating on a boy and the girl started having sex with that person.

    I think you should make the girl cry or scream or she should be like struggling to get out. Or you could have the boy see what's going on from like half of the beginning.

    Anyways, great job standing up!!! WOW!!! xoxo

    - Sally

    Reply

    Sally - 28/12/2012

  • anon

    28/12/2012

    i have been going out with my boyfriend for a few months over a year now and i think i love him, we spend tons of time together and really enjoy each others company.

    In the way of sex we both lost our virginity to one another as we both were ready.
    however he now often wants to preform sexual ations often, doing lots to do so.

    he often rubs material over my area, and if allowed fingers me. I don't mind sometimes but i don't want to so frequently.

    I love to make him happy but i just don't always want to..

    Help?

    Reply

    anon - 28/12/2012

    • Hi Anon, thanks for sharing your story.

      It does not matter if you are in a relationship with someone or if they are a stranger. Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      It’s good that you were comfortable and ready to lose your virginity to your boyfriend. However, you always have the right to withhold consent; you shouldn't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. It also does not matter if you start out by saying yes and then change your mind, or if you feel like you have 'given in'. If your boyfriend cares about you, he will understand your feelings and will not make you feel bad about it.

      You may find it helps to talk to someone about it that you trust. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with.

      It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      Tempero Moderation 28/12/2012

  • Jeff

    28/12/2012

    The "If you could see yourself" Tv ad.

    Can see where its coming from and agree with the intent of the ad, but the victim says one line and nothing more?

    Surely you should be promoting the fact you have a right to say no, maybe a tiny bit louder than she does in the ad? And more than once?

    Feel the ad isn't quite promoting a message that both parties have a right not to do anything they don't want to than it could be

    Reply

    Jeff - 28/12/2012

    • Hi Jeff, thanks for your feedback on the campaign.

      We know that young people can be confused about what constitutes consent.

      The point of this advert is to show that someone doesn't have to say the word 'NO' to withhold their permission, there are lots of ways they might say they don't want to do something or have sex.

      Sometimes people might find it hard to say anything at all if they don't want to have sex, particularly if they feel under threat or are being coerced to have sex as in the scenario shown in the TV ad. So it’s important that people look out for other signs that their partner might not be comfortable and might not be giving their consent.

      Thanks.

      Tempero Moderation 08/01/2013

  • n o n a m e

    27/12/2012

    erm, i was young and a boy asked me if i had a bf and i said no when i did but he put me on the bed and pinned me down and hurt my wrists and when i said let me go he was just saying kiss me first he kept hurting me.

    I tried to get away but he said no kiss me after a while i did on the cheek but then he kept kissing me but i kept my lips closed but he said do it so i did and then i ran, i have only ever told 3 friends in a truth thing but they didnt understand, he's kind of family and it awkward when we meet as i dont think he remembers but i cant forget...

    Reply

    n o n a m e - 27/12/2012

    • Hi Noname

      Thanks for getting in touch, we are sorry that you have had a bad experience with someone close to your family.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      Tempero Moderation 28/12/2012

  • rajeev

    27/12/2012

    I feel the abuse advert on tv is helpful in raising awareness of such incidents, but as someone who suffered months and months of abuse from someone, every time i see this advert it reminds me of everything that happens and makes it harder for me to move on from my past and what has happened. as i said i understand that this is to help people suffering but at the same time it is very distressing for someone in my situation.

    Reply

    rajeev - 27/12/2012

    • Hi Rajeev

      Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past
      and sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.

      We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, particularly for someone who has been a victim of rape.

      The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also researched with young people prior to being made. Working with those charities, we did consider that the advert may be distressing to some victims of rape, however, our research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with. Our objective for this campaign is to ensure that we improve understanding of consent among young people – in order that we prevent future cases of rape and encourage people who have experienced this to get help. I hope you understand that we need to tackle these issues in order to help people realise that this behaviour isn’t acceptable and signpost them to places they can get help.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem, however, we also appreciate that this may mean that victims of rape may see the advert and find it distressing. If you would find it useful we can send you a copy of the media schedule, please post again and leave your email address so that we can follow this up with you.

      We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape. It is also helping people who have been victims of rape, in very similar circumstances to the scene in the advert, recognise for the first time that they were raped and then go on to seek help and support they need.

      We are truly sorry to hear of your distress and hope you understand why we have made the advert. If you need advice, you can call Rape Crisis (0808 802 9999 - 12 - 2.30pm and 7 - 9.30pm) who can offer support whether you’ve just experienced something or you are having difficulties about something that has happened in the past. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      Tempero Moderation 27/12/2012

  • Roseleigh

    27/12/2012

    Hi I'm finding this website very useful but I need some advice.My boyfriend has been trying to feel me, I keep hinting that I don't want it but I just feel harsh and Fridgid.

    I feel really skanky doing that in public places but I cannot help it it just happens. When we've been kissing he's moved my hand onto his penis but on his jeans but when I move it away he just puts it back. What should I do ?

    Reply

    Roseleigh - 27/12/2012

    • Hi Roseleigh

      Thank you for contacting us, we are sorry to hear that you are having problems with your boyfriend.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      Tempero Moderation 27/12/2012

  • Chloe

    26/12/2012

    I feel the abuse advert on tv is helpful in raising awareness of such incidents, but as someone who suffered months and months of abuse from someone, every time i see this advert it reminds me of everything that happens and makes it harder for me to move on from my past and what has happened. as i said i understand that this is to help people suffering but at the same time it is very distressing for someone in my situation.

    Reply

    Chloe - 26/12/2012

    • Hi Chloe,

      Thank you for your feedback on the subject.

      Chloe, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing after your own experience.

      We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem as we are sure you are aware.

      Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.

      Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.

      The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.

      We are truly sorry to hear of your distress and hope you are in a better position following your ordeal. Nevertheless, we hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.

      Tempero Moderation 26/12/2012

  • James

    24/12/2012

    One of my female friends was raped earlier today, she asked me not to tell anyone.

    I can keep secrets but not this one, I know she'll be upset with me but this is for her own good really...

    Could I please have some advice on how to ask her to tell the police or others?

    I don't want her to suffer any more than she has already.

    Reply

    James - 24/12/2012

    • Hi James,

      Thank you for your enquiry concerning your friend
      and the ordeal she has unfortunately experienced.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when someone doesn’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Speak to your friend and help her understand that this was not her fault and there was nothing she could have done to prevent this.

      It is important to listen to your friend and be there for her as she will be upset about what has happened. Having a friend like you will be a huge help to her as well as a great source of comfort. Be patient and slowly encourage your friend to call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about the problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 24/12/2012

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