This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Zoe's story

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

what do you think? share your opinions

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Results: 135 - 150 of 548

  • shaun

    12/01/2013

    i feel so sorry for victims of rape especially young people people my age basically, i have soo much respect for these adverts as they tell people and make awareness to everyone about different things and in this case rape. i hope all they rapists get delt with and punished badly

    Reply

    shaun - 12/01/2013

  • Simon

    12/01/2013

    Hi, while I appreciate what effect you are trying with this campaign, but I have spoken to many, many people who say this is an awful.

    It can cause distress for many previous rape victims and also forces many to sit through the vile advert. I understand what you are trying with this but it isn't fair to show this, especially when shown of television constantly.

    Reply

    Simon - 12/01/2013

    • Thank you for your feedback Simon, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.

      We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.

      Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.

      Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.

      The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.

      We are truly sorry to hear of your distress Simon but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious and traumatic issue.

      Tempero Moderation 13/01/2013

  • Katie

    11/01/2013

    When I was 10 My best friend came into my house and we went up to my room as usual and she laid down on my bed and started undressing she got up and pinned me down on my bed and started undressing me I couldn't move. She started to rape me I was scared. I haven't had any friends in the house since and I am now 11.

    Reply

    Katie - 11/01/2013

    • Hi Katie,

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. In addition, sex with any girl/boy under 16, including oral, is unlawful. It doesn't make any difference if permission (consent) is given or not.

      If you haven’t already done so, try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      We hope this helps.

      Tempero Moderation 14/01/2013

  • kitty

    10/01/2013

    I have never used this site before so its all new to me, but I was mentally sexually abused as a child by my stepfather and even now 40 years down the line, it still haunts me and it has caused me so much pain and resulted me in having mental health issues, and now he is on facebook, he has a very unhealthy appetite for children , young girls and women. I wish I could talk to someone about it, nobody understands me and says to 'forget about it and move on' but it is not that simple......its destroying me and making me ill, I contacted the police and the officer was more than prepared to take the case on and the judge squashed it !! where do I turn to , to put a closure on this?

    Reply

    kitty - 10/01/2013

    • Hi Kitty,

      Thanks for posting on the site. We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. Although our campaign is aimed at 13-18 year olds, there are many specialist support services available for adults.

      You are clearly distressed and worried about repeat behaviour, and we think it's very important to try and find someone else you trust to talk to. It could be a close friend or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      For support and advice you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) or log-on to Women's Aid's Survivors' Message board: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080021§ionTitle=Survivors+Forum.

      For confidential advice, information and support, speak to Victim Support - http://www.victimsupport.org.uk/ or call their Supportline on 0845 30 30 900. If you want to hide your number, simply press 141 before dialing the number. Normal opening hours for the Supportline are: 9am – 9pm Mondays to Fridays, 9am – 7pm weekends and 9am – 5pm bank holidays.

      The Samaritans may also be able to help, take a look at their website at http://www.samaritans.org.uk or email jo@samaritans.co.uk. You can also call them on 08457 909090.

      This Is Abuse team 25/01/2013

  • Kat

    10/01/2013

    I hold much respect for this campaign and whats its for. Ive had younger siblinbgs ask me questions about rape and its made me confident that they understand about rape and how people should respect them and their body.

    For me personally I have trouble watching it having been a rape victim and I either come out of the room or pause the television because of the memories it brings back, though it also brought me here (to the site) and its made a difference to how I feel about my past having read about other peoples situations and stories, its not made things easier but it has allowed me to understand that no matter how bad I think it was for me, there is someone out there that worse off and (my heart go out to them) I should be thankful and strong enough to get past it.

    Reply

    Kat - 10/01/2013

    • Hi Kat,

      Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing and we are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past.

      We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem. Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.

      Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such. The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape. We’re also glad that you came to the site and take some comfort from it.

      We also think it is important that even though you may have been raped some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Take care.

      Tempero Moderation 10/01/2013

  • Anonymous

    08/01/2013

    I think it's a bit stupid there arn't any videos with men being raped,

    i know it dosent happen as often as girls being raped, but i had a friend who's girlfriend forced him to have sex or she'd dump him :

    Reply

    Anonymous - 08/01/2013

    • Hi Anonymous,

      Thanks for your feedback. We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign.

      We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.

      We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.

      Tempero Moderation 08/01/2013

  • tara

    07/01/2013

    i hate rape. coz there was a incident in Delhi. that girl was raped by 6 people and atlast she died

    Reply

    tara - 07/01/2013

  • Darren

    06/01/2013

    Hi,

    After watching the advertisement and reading some of the comments, i feel for any person who has to undergo this.

    I do however have a question because I would like some perspective. Is a man wrong for wanting sex? If men are biologically predisposed to mate with as many partners as possible is it wrong for a man expect more sexual activity?

    I've come to a conclusion that talking about it with your parent helps, but that because men and women are different in sexual activity its difficult for both parties to completely understand the others perspective. I may be completely wrong, but the emphasis on males being sexually active during their teenage hood is very strong.

    So I guess my real question is, are both men and women to blame for the sexual frustration during adolescence?

    Reply

    Darren - 06/01/2013

    • There are no exscuses to rape. Even though boys have considerably more testosterone than girls, they need to learn to control it better. Girls will not be expected to be sexually controlled, by mens and boys drives for sex. 100's of girls are raped every year, and the exscuse the men/boy's give is "She was wearing seductive clothing", would you say the same?

      Melanie - 07/01/2013

  • Ffion

    06/01/2013

    Uhm.. I don't know how to put this.. but a few years ago, well, when I was a kid, say about seven, I had this cousin she must have been around fifteen at the time..

    She used to take me to her room and we'd play, 'Grown ups'.. And she used to make me kiss her with 'grown up tongues' and do stuff with her.. Like, sexual stuff..

    I went along with it because I thought it was just a game, it was just what people did. I don't remeber much of it, as it was so long ago, I'm fourteen now..

    But like.. Was this sexual abuse? I'm not sure and what should I do about it if it is..?:/

    Reply

    Ffion - 06/01/2013

    • Hi Ffion, thanks for your post.

      We’re sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. Your cousin abused your trust and it’s understandable that you have questions.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      Tempero Moderation 07/01/2013

  • Cj

    06/01/2013

    I understand that this advert is supposed to raise awareness of rape, but I think I speak for other victims of rape, as well as myself when I say it's really quite distressing.

    I was raped 9 months ago, I seemed to be doing okay.. I saw this advert while I was at work not so long ago, and I had to leave. It brought everything back, the memories that I've tried so hard to forget, the feelings of helplessness, the panicking, the nightmares..

    Even 9 months after I was raped, I found this advert extremely triggering. I self harmed quite a lot after I saw this - purely because it was a way of blocking the memories out, and regaining the control that was taken from me that night. The advert sent me right back to how I felt the night I was raped.

    I'm sure the advert does the job in educating a lot of people, but for me, it was extremely triggering and hasn't helped me or my recovery at all.. if anything, it's made it worse.

    Reply

    Cj - 06/01/2013

    • Hi Cj,

      Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past [if they are a victim of a past rape] and sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.

      We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, particularly for someone who has been a victim of rape.

      The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also researched with young people prior to being made.

      Working with those charities, we did consider that the advert may be distressing to some victims of rape, however, our research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with. Our objective for this campaign is to ensure that we improve understanding of consent among young people – in order that we prevent future cases of rape and encourage people who have experienced this to get help.

      I hope you understand that we need to tackle these issues in order to help people realise that this behaviour isn’t acceptable and signpost them to places they can get help.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem, however, we also appreciate that this may mean that victims of rape may see the advert and find it distressing.

      If you would find it useful we can send you a copy of the media schedule, please post again and leave your email address so that we can follow this up with you.

      We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape. It is also helping people who have been victims of rape, in very similar circumstances to the scene in the advert, recognise for the first time that they were raped and then go on to seek help and support they need.

      We are truly sorry to hear of your distress and hope you understand why we have made the advert. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can. Speaking to a teacher, friend or relative that you trust may help or you might find speaking to a professional will aid you in moving on.

      You can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      You can call Rape Crisis (0808 802 9999 - 12 - 2.30pm and 7 - 9.30pm) who can offer support. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      Take care.

      Tempero Moderation 07/01/2013

  • jo

    06/01/2013

    i know how it feels to get raped because i got raped twice the first on is by a man who i thought that i could trust and it turns out that i cant trust him i didnt even say that he could. the second one is a complete stranger

    Reply

    jo - 06/01/2013

    • Hi Jo, thanks for sharing your story.

      We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.

      It does not matter if you are in a relationship with someone or if they are a stranger. When someone makes you do something you do not want to do, it means you are not consenting and it is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      No matter how long ago this happened please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 07/01/2013

  • Tilly

    06/01/2013

    Hi This website is an amazing help to show people that have been abused what you can do and that you can tell people about what has happended to you i think there should be more websites like this one!!

    Reply

    Tilly - 06/01/2013

  • lynsey

    05/01/2013

    heyy

    I hate it when people joke around the subject of rape as I find its the worst thing you can do to someone.

    When I was very young myself and my family would go to a local pub as there was bouncy castles for the children to play on outside while the adults had a drink.

    There was some older boys that played around with us and I became friends with them. One of them, looked around 16 or 17, started becoming over-friendly with me and started asked me for kisses. when all of us played hide and seek, he would be my 'partner' and we would hide together and this is where he would ask for more kisses.

    I started to not like what he was doing and started saying no but he still persuaded me. He would hug me and pull me close to him and I felt uncomfortable with it.

    On the way home once, i spoke up and my parents were livid at what had been happening and called the police. A friendly police woman spoke to me at my home and asked what he had done but i was really shy around her.
    The man was arrested and banned from the pub, and i never actually knew what happened to him.
    We never went back to the pub either.

    Its just over 10 years on and I still now dread to think what could have happened if I didnt speak up, and because i was so young, i wouldnt have even known :/

    My heart goes out to everyone who has ever been in a situation like this, or worse <3

    Reply

    lynsey - 05/01/2013

  • Jess

    04/01/2013

    Hi,

    I've been going out with my boyfriend for four months now. I've told him that I was a virgin and I prefer to wait at least a year of getting to know each other then after that I might consider having sex when I'm ready but certaintly not yet as I wanted my first time to be special.

    I assumed he knew me pretty well and knew that I meant that as I went on and on about not having sex before then. Two days ago he was talking to me about how he would try it on with me I thought he was actually messing about and went along with it I thought of it as banter.

    A day later we met up and he did try it on in the back of my car, I told him to stop it but he wouldn't get off me he kept saying relax just relax as he ripped my tights off and done me. I tried to push him off but couldnt, I felt so cheap, so dirty.

    How can a person I love do that to me! I told him afterwards how I felt as he knew I was upset. He said when I told him to stop and to get off me it actually sounded kinky to him and made him want me more. That I was talking about sex the night before that he thought I actually wanted it.

    I just don't know what to do. I feel disgusted with myself, it wasn't what I wanted but I feel I'm too blame for not trying hard enough, maybe I shouldn't have talked about sex. I just don't know what to do, please help me?

    Reply

    Jess - 04/01/2013

    • it's not your fault, don't ever blame yourself. It's him too blame, he's the one that didn't listen . You can talk about sex all you like and it shouldn't give him any intentions if you have said before 'atleast a year'.. If you still like him i think yo should give it a break or something, some separation to see if it still feels right, 'separation can make or break it'. What he done is rape and it's not right. If you're mentally breaking down, talk to some one, it helps.. stay strong<3

      lois - 06/01/2013

    • HI Jess

      Thanks for getting in touch, we are sorry to hear that you have had a traumatic incident with your boyfriend.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      Try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 05/01/2013

  • Anonymous

    04/01/2013

    I don't know if this is extremely important but I really need to tell someone about it.

    I've recently been having sex with my best friend, (we've become friends with benefits.) We have sex on a regular basis but I'm not always up for it.

    We only seem to have sex when he wants to. Sometimes I do want to but other times I do say no but he doesn't really listen, he just lays me down and puts his hands in my pants and climbs on top of me.

    I also think I love him ... I get worried that my mum might walk in on us, his nan nearly did one time. The other thing is he doesn't want to use a condom, which is really worrying for me because I don't want to be pregnant at such a young age.

    I have nightmares that I'm going to end up pregnant and it'll be to late for an abortion ... thanks for letting me express what I'm experiencing.

    Reply

    Anonymous - 04/01/2013

    • Hi Anonymous, thanks for your post.

      It does not matter if you are in a relationship with someone or if they are a stranger. When someone makes you do something you do not want to do, it means you are not consenting and it is rape. It also does not matter if you start out by saying yes and then change your mind, or if you feel like you have 'given in'. It is also never OK to make someone feel bad if they don't want to have sex as this is a form of emotional abuse.
      Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      Communication in any relationship is important and if your friend cares for you he will understand why it’s important to use contraception such as condoms. Sexual relationships without protection heightens risks like unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Please remember, you always have the right to withhold consent.

      Please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 07/01/2013

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Results: 135 - 150 of 548

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