This is ABUSE

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Zoe's story

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

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Results: 90 - 105 of 549

  • Mischa

    06/02/2013

    When I was 14 years old, I knew a boy from the bus I caught to and from school - I say boy, he was more of a man - he was 19 years old. At the time, there was a boy who was 16yrs old that I was seeing, or dating, whatever you want to call it. We both liked eachother a lot, but I often felt let down by him. Anyway, one day I went around to see the 16yr old boy. He seemed angry. I leaned into hug him, and he pushed me hard, physically, away from him. When I tried to resist, he gripped my arm and twisted it. I was so upset, I was crying to my friends, I was in pieces. I couldn't believe he'd treated me like that. I told him over facebook that he was going to lose me and I'd never see him again and he'd be sorry. However, the next day, I was the one that was still upset. I couldn't get over what he'd done. I was intent to get back at him. I don't know why, but I decided to visit the 19yr old. I romanced ridiculously about how we would fall in love, be together and how jealous the 16yr old boy would be. How he'd be sorry he treated me like that. It seems stupid now, but at the time I was so hurt by what the 16yr old did. I made myself look nice, I was intent on doing this. I lied to my parents. I walked all the way to the other side of the village. I knocked on his door and he invited me in - We barely spoke before he started kissing me. I became nervous, he was moving too quickly. He started kissing me roughly, then he started groping me, and this quickly developed into him fingering me. I told him it hurt, it didn't feel nice. He then unzipped his flies and smirked. I remember him saying "Let's see if this feels any better then." Then he was on top of me. I hated it, I didn't want to be doing it. I didn't like it at all, I was in so much pain. I couldn't say stop, I couldn't speak. All I managed was to tell him it hurts, over and over. He didn't care. Afterwards, he told me, like a gentlemen, that I was too young for him - we couldn't be together because I was so young. I was speechless. He'd used me, he exploited me and there was nothing I could say or do. I went home and cryed. I didn't want to tell my parents. We had a terrible relationship and I felt ashamed, dirty, wrong. I called charity lines and friends before I confessed. I knew I had to - I was terrified of getting pregnant because he hadn't used a condom. I was humiliated when everybody at school heard about it. It felt like the whole village knew. I felt worthless and ashamed. I thought I was getting stares everywhere I went. I became paranoid and stopped talking to any boys. I did a chlamydia test and thankfully nothing was wrong but because I'd told them my age, (14 yrs) they called me afterwards because they felt concerned for me. When I explained the situation they said I should report him, and they said what he did was wrong, but I didn't feel I had a leg to stand on - I hadn't said "No" or "Stop" at any point, so surely, it couldn't be called rape? I felt so stupid for letting him do it to me. I was scarred for a long time, emotionally. I wouldn't speak to any boys and I thought that none of them could be trusted. It made things even harder with my Mum and Dad because I felt they couldn't trust me or were judging me. I just felt used, dirty and wrong. Now I look back I think it was rape..

    Reply

    Mischa - 06/02/2013

    • Hi Mischa,

      Thanks for you post. We're sorry to hear what happened to you.

      Yes that was rape; being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. It wasn't your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent this, don't blame yourself. Someone doesn't have to say the word 'no' to withhold their permission, there are lots of ways they might say they don't want to do something or have sex. Find out more about consent here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult/consent

      It's good you spoke up about your experience, if you want to talk about it further, if you're under 18 still you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you're over 18, alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • LJ

    06/02/2013

    it was last week, no one is yet to know of this incodent (not even parents). im only 14 you know, he was 27. i dont know who he was but he kept telling me that he knew me. i was scared and i was shaking like a wet dog. i was playing hide and seek with my friends, there were 18 of us, and i was hiding along with 16 others, we split up and went in different directions.there was a shadow behind me so i carried on running thinking it was a mates, the next minitue i was inder a bush with a masked man. it was a nightmare, he just didnt want to let go, iscreamed and shouted my friends name!! within seconds i felt something go in me, felt numb but i could feel it.he was squeesing me so tight i struggeled to breathe. i was raped. he ditched me near the river, where no one could see me. when i woke up from this nightmere i checked my phone, 84 missed calls and 5 hours late home. i couldnt go home not yet.

    Reply

    LJ - 06/02/2013

    • Hi LJ,

      Thanks for messaging, we're truly sorry to hear about this horrific incident.

      You need to speak up; rape is a crime and it should be reported. Please understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      Please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk confidentially or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • Izzy

    05/02/2013

    I dont know if they count I dont think they could because I didnt say 'no' and the first person was my boyfriend, and i went to house some was kind of asking for it I knew what he was like just thought he wouldnt be like that with me, he rang me up afterward telling me how to be and what to wear next time. and i was on top so that makes it not rape right? The second time i said yes because i had no choice and i loved him but i really didnt want to and i think he knew that, so he promise me he wouldnt hurt me or go all the way but i understand now, that what i thought he meant wasnt what he meant because in my eyes he went all the way, I was only 15 i could have been rape it doesnt count does it? I hate the thought of sex at all now it scares me but i feel powerless and weak how do i get rid of these feeling? I still love them both loads but they have both moved on and i am try but finding it hard should i?

    Reply

    Izzy - 05/02/2013

    • Hi Izzy,

      Thanks very much for your post.

      Firstly, please understand that sex with any girl/boy under 16 is unlawful, including oral. It doesn't make any difference if permission (consent) is given or not, if you're under 16 sex is illegal.

      Secondly, being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. It's not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent this. It's important you understand more about consent - check here for more information - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult/consent. It's simple really, if two people (over 16) want to have sex with each other it should be something that they both agree and consent to. Your boyfriend should not be pressuring you into it and he needs to check his behaviour.

      We think you need to try and find someone you trust to talk to about your experiences. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them, or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • Lillie

    05/02/2013

    I was raped when I was younger but I lied about it, telling all our friends the next day that I wanted to do it, because I didn't want to seem pathetic. I didn't want anyone to know I'd allow someone else to victimise me in that way, I didn't want to admit to others I could be forced into anything.
    I'm 18 now, I have a long-term boyfriend whom I love dearly, trust with everything and would be lost without. He is caring, faithful and sensitive; everything any girl desires and struggles to identify in a boyfriend, we live together, share everything and are described as 'perfect for each other'. Sometimes I don't want to have sex with him, not because I don't fancy him, just my drive is not as high as his. I convince myself that because we have already engaged in consensual sex in the past, it's not rape because I have previously agreed to it with him. I say "I'm really not up for it." and try to engage him in different activities.. But he often won't take no for an answer, tells himself I'm playing 'hard to get' and I feel as though its my fault. How can I get him to stop without exposing how small and pathetic I really am?

    Sometimes I find myself crying uncontrollably for no obvious reason and random times, is this a result of the rape or completely irrelevant? I'd be interested to know other girls' responses..

    Reply

    Lillie - 05/02/2013

    • Hi Lillie,

      Thanks very much for your message.

      A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around. Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

      You need to understand more about consent - consent to one sort of sexual activity does not mean you are getting consent to everything. Permission is required for each activity. You can withdrawn your consent at any time, if you change your mind, it's your right to do so. And even if you have had sex with someone before, you still need permission the next time. You should not feel guilty, your boyfriend is the one who needs to check his behaviour, he's pressuring you into sex when you don't want to - see here for more information - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult/the-law and here for more about abuse - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/am-i-abusive

      Please try and find someone you trust to talk to about this and your past experience - it could be a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • Anonymous

    05/02/2013

    This has been the absolute worst day of my life. When I was 7 up until 11, I was sexually molested by two distant family members. I have never fully recovered. I have had a few partners throughout my life but find difficulty trusting men with that part of myself. Anytime, memories of it surface I quickly tuck them back into the recesses of my, mind as it still a great source of shame and sadness. I trusted these people and was too afraid to say no. I am forever changed by what gghhhappened. And now today, I find out my 11 year old son tried to sexually assault his 9 year old friend. I am so unimaginably devastated. I have no idea what to do about this. My son is special needs having both adhd and possibly asperger's which creates even more difficulty in making him understand the severity of what he's done. I am so lost, angry, and disappointed. Please help me.

    Reply

    Anonymous - 05/02/2013

  • Confused Really

    04/02/2013

    I saw this movie 'Unfaithful' sometime back, where the female protagonist is seduced by a friend of hers. While she is initially reluctant and asks her friend to stop, she gives in soon, and the two continue to have passionate sex and later develop an affair. Now, some friends, both women and men, have told me that they have been in similar situations where it starts with a 'no' and ends with a 'yes'.

    Question is - how does one know whether the 'no' is a NO? And if one were to push further after the initial 'no' to find out, will that be violation?

    Reply

    Confused Really - 04/02/2013

    • Hi Confused Really,

      Thanks for your question.

      If two people want to have sex with each other it should be something that they both agree and consent to. We suggest you find out more about consent - look here for more information http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult/consent.

      Please understand that forcing or pressuring someone into having sex or take part in sexual activity that they're not comfortable with is unacceptable.

      This Is Abuse team 08/02/2013

  • Martha

    04/02/2013

    The 11yr old returns:
    As part of our stranger danger routine in School we do self defence to the weak and unprovable. The Police said it was really important and showed us these clips and now we know why we need to do martial arts. I think this is a good idea, but most of these posts say he was really strong and their a lot older, then what do I do?

    Reply

    Martha - 04/02/2013

    • Hi again Martha,

      Thanks for your message.

      We suggest you discuss your concerns with an adult, talk to your teacher or your parents about your worries. Or ask the police who attend your Stranger Danger sessions at school.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • Martha

    04/02/2013

    I'm 11 and probably to young for this website, but I like to know about what's going on in the real world. This seems a terrifying aspect and I am literally frozen every time these adverts come on. This happened to my friend with a so called 'Neighbour' (who is now in prison) We learn't about this in school. But is it normal I'm so scared?

    Reply

    Martha - 04/02/2013

    • Hi Martha,

      Thank you for your feedback, it's good you are seeking information.

      We're sorry to hear that you find the ads distressing, we do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.

      Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with. So our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • Rebecca

    04/02/2013

    i have had oral sex and anal sex and this was consented, is this rape although i felt like i wanted to and sort of didnt want to, i felt both at the same time..is this rape?

    Reply

    Rebecca - 04/02/2013

    • Hi Rebecca,

      To be clear; rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.

      If you were pressured into sex perhaps you should try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      Alternatively if you're under 18 you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you're over 18 you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information. They can advise regarding sexual assault as well, not just rape.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • Daisy

    04/02/2013

    i know this is a bit wierd, but is rape also when a man/boy shoves his penis into a girls mouth when she doesnt want to?
    because i was forced into giving head and having sex when i didnt know if i should do this.
    the person i gave head and had sex with, i really LOVED him, he moved schools, the first day he forced me but then i said ''i'll do it'' and at the same time i felt i didnt want to and wanted to.
    so does this mean he forced me to give him head although i felt i wanted and didnt want to at the same time?

    Reply

    Daisy - 04/02/2013

    • Hi Daisy,

      Thanks for your message.

      In answer to your question, yes that is rape and it sounds like you were pressured into having sex/taking part in sexual activity when you didn't really want to.

      Let's be clear, the law says rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.

      We think you should talk to someone about your experiences - try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      This Is Abuse team 08/02/2013

  • Caroline

    04/02/2013

    I was raped twice. When I was 14 and ten when I was 15. It was a party, I had a bit to drink and the guy was 18. I told him to stop because I didn't want to and I was only 15, but he wouldn't. I really don't believe that men have any self control.

    Reply

    Caroline - 04/02/2013

  • :'(

    03/02/2013

    I am a boy, and a few months back I was raped by another man. It was all sorted out because I told a teacher at school, but now all of the teachers treat me differently. Some are nicer and some are horrible, as if I asked to be raped. I am just saying this as I don't feel that awareness for males being raped is that good. I can only speak from my point of view, but I would say that it is worse for boys like me - a lack of awareness, constantly being asked if I am gay and if I asked to be raped.

    Reply

    :'( - 03/02/2013

    • Hi :'(

      Thanks for posting, and we're truly sorry to hear what happened to you.

      We think it's important you talk about your experience with a trusted adult; help, support and advice is out there. If you don’t think you can do this, you can speak in confidence to SurvivorsUK who support men over the age of 18 who have experienced sexual violation at any time in their lives. They offer a helpline for male survivors, their friends, family and carers on 0845 1221201 (Mon/Tues 7-9.30pm and Thurs 12-2.30pm) and a London based counselling service offering low cost individual counselling and group therapy: www.survivorsuk.org / info@survivorsuk.org

      Alternatively Broken Rainbow runs a Helpline staffed by highly trained operators, they understand the issues you face and go through extensive training to provide you with the best possible support. You can contact Broken Rainbow on the national helpline number: 0300 999 5428 or visit their website at www.brokenrainbow.org.uk.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      This Is Abuse team 08/02/2013

  • Dave

    03/02/2013

    Is it possible to be raped by a woman the same age as you? Because i'm pretty sure I have been raped. As I didnt want to have sex with my friend, she is 17 and i am 16. But she told me that if I had sex with her I would be a man. I wanted to keep my virginity sacred but I have lost it unwillingly. I cried afterwards and still have over the past few weeks.

    Is this classified as rape also? If so, why isn't it made clear that women can also rape within these advertisements. And if they aren't victim to these laws too, why arent they?

    Reply

    Dave - 03/02/2013

    • Hi Dave,

      The law says that rape can only be committed by a man as for the offence to be committed there must be intentional penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus of another person with a penis.

      A woman can be convicted of sexual assault, which includes other sexual acts (e.g. intentional penetration of the vagina or anus of another person with a part of her body or an object). Both rape and assault are crimes and can result in imprisonment. You can read more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult.

      It appears you were assaulted, so talking about what happened is really important and you can get help. Try talking to a trusted adult. If you don’t think you can do this, you can speak in confidence by calling the helpline for males experiencing domestic abuse. Call freephone 0808 801 0327, email info@mensadviceline.org.uk or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk

      We are of course aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.

      This Is Abuse team 08/02/2013

  • ashley

    02/02/2013

    hey! is there only 1 type of rape or are there more? xxx

    Reply

    ashley - 02/02/2013

  • abi

    01/02/2013

    This advert is very effective and this website is amazing! I am not a rape victim myself however i have been pressured into doing things i dont want to do before. This website has taught me that it is ok to say no. Many thanks to all the people posting helpful comments on this page. Its nice to know that there are people that care. Thankyou.

    Reply

    abi - 01/02/2013

    • Hi abi,

      Thanks for your message, we're pleased you support our campaign and are finding the website helpful.

      This Is Abuse team 07/02/2013

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