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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Zoe's story

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

what do you think? share your opinions

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Results: 75 - 90 of 539

  • McFred

    10/02/2013

    If a man is very drunk and has sex with a women without really remembering it the next day, has the women raped him?

    Reply

    McFred - 10/02/2013

    • Hi McFred,

      Thanks for your message.

      To be clear - the law says that rape can only be committed by a man as for the offence to be committed there must be intentional penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus of another person with a penis.

      However a woman can be convicted of sexual assault, which includes other sexual acts (e.g. intentional penetration of the vagina or anus of another person with a part of her body or an object). Both rape and assault are crimes and can result in imprisonment. You can read more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult.

      Also drugs and alcohol are never the cause of rape or sexual assault. It is the attacker who is committing the crime not the drugs and/or alcohol.

      This Is Abuse team 13/02/2013

  • Jake

    07/02/2013

    My friend and his girlfriend are both 17 and are in a happy relationship, and they have sex on a regular basis. They started their relationship when they were both 15. Is this rape or abuse, because sex with someone under sixteen is illegal? Just to be clear, they were both consenting, but have they commited a crime by doing it at 15?

    Reply

    Jake - 07/02/2013

    • Hi Jake,

      Thanks for your post.

      To be clear; the definition of rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.

      So if your friends both consented to have sex and were both under 16 at the time, that is not rape, but you are right, sex with any girl/boy under 16 is unlawful. If you want more information, you should visit the NSPCC on http://www.nspcc.org.uk/.

      This Is Abuse team 12/02/2013

  • Generation

    07/02/2013

    I think children should know what rape is as young as possible, but the problem is also parents do not want to ruin their childs mind with something so horrible. An eight year old girl in Mexico was raped and gave birth age nine. I find it disgusting. However even if a child knows what rape is, they still wont fully understand the situation or what to do. And I agree if you tell your child about rape age six, then you need to tell them of murder and it ruins the poor childs mind. Though I do think all parents should tell their children at age six "If anyone touches you ___ here ___ here or ___ here, to get away from them and come to me or someone I trust." And point to where people should not touch. So they don't know the horrid details but they know it is a "no no" and to get away.

    I'm not a rape victim but I have been sexually pestered.

    I do find it very angering that only men can technically rape. Women can only sexual assault. Yet women are always the "victime". Heck a women can rape a man and then claim he raped her. I love this website it spreads awareness and I hope anyone sexually harassed or raped be it male or female get help and spread awareness more.

    I had boys harass me to show them my bare breasts and to be allowed to touch them and I was lucky no rape occured. Sadly I believe these people /know/ it is wrong, but they simply do what they want and state otherwise. If someone is crying, screaming and seriously saying no, no means no. It doesn't take a genious to stop. Uness both consent, don't do it. Not rocket science and rapists are just....vile creatures who need to be stopped.

    Reply

    Generation - 07/02/2013

  • A concerened friend

    07/02/2013

    My friend is 15 years old and has a boyfriend who is 19 he always forces her into having sex and now has got her pregnant, she doesnt want to tell anyone and doesnt want me to tell anyone is there anyway i can help her. As he also beats her and stabs her, i really worried also because noone has seen her in a few weeks what should i do :(??????

    Reply

    A concerened friend - 07/02/2013

    • Hi a concerened friend,

      Your friend is being abused and they may need professional help and your encouragement and support to help to stop it. Tell your friend when you see her that you are worried about them and let them know that the abuse is not their fault, it’s unacceptable and that support is available.

      It can be useful to think up a code word that they can use on the phone to let you know they need help. Don't ignore the issue if you think it is happening. When you try to talk to them, try not to make them feel judged as it takes courage to admit abuse. Encourage them to talk to a trusted adult, and if their boyfriend has been violent or forced them to have sex, encourage them to talk to the police. You shouldn’t confront their partner on your own and neither should your friend.

      If your friend wants to speak to someone in confidence encourage them to contact Childline on 0800 11 11 they can also go to www.childline.org.uk where you they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      And if you still haven't seen your friend and are getting increasingly worried, you should contact the police.

      This Is Abuse team 12/02/2013

  • Madeline

    06/02/2013

    We just had a talk about relationships in school, and the teacher showed us a few clips from this website. I don't know about other people in my class but it really helped me understand what abuse really is. I never thought that it could be this severe. I'm quite young so i've never really worried much about this. I'm really thankful to you for opening my eyes because without this website i'd probably still be unaware of the risks. This website has helped me to take precautions when i go out to parties with my friends, which is to make sure i never go somewhere with a stranger or distant friend just incase. I'm now a lot more careful about who i trust. I really think that this information should be given to every young person, because my friend went to a party and her drink was spiked, she was raped by a distant friend and was unaware of what he was doing because she was severly drunk, she remembers nearly nothing of the experience but says that what she does remember horrifies her. Unfortunatly she did not know anything about abuse or any other of this crucial information. She is also now expecting, and the boy wants nothing to do with it. She has told members of her family and they are so supportive of her. But because of this it's probably ruined her career aspects because she was hoping to go to university. Abuse is not only wrong but it can ruin people's lives! All she hopes to do now is pass this information on so that everyone is aware of the dangers and risks of abuse, not only physically but emotionally aswell. Thank you so much for the help! You've taught me so much, i just hope someday everyone will be free from abuse.

    Reply

    Madeline - 06/02/2013

    • Hi Madeline,

      Thanks so much for your message, we're really pleased you're finding the information on the website useful and that you're educating yourself further.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • Mischa

    06/02/2013

    When I was 14 years old, I knew a boy from the bus I caught to and from school - I say boy, he was more of a man - he was 19 years old. At the time, there was a boy who was 16yrs old that I was seeing, or dating, whatever you want to call it. We both liked eachother a lot, but I often felt let down by him. Anyway, one day I went around to see the 16yr old boy. He seemed angry. I leaned into hug him, and he pushed me hard, physically, away from him. When I tried to resist, he gripped my arm and twisted it. I was so upset, I was crying to my friends, I was in pieces. I couldn't believe he'd treated me like that. I told him over facebook that he was going to lose me and I'd never see him again and he'd be sorry. However, the next day, I was the one that was still upset. I couldn't get over what he'd done. I was intent to get back at him. I don't know why, but I decided to visit the 19yr old. I romanced ridiculously about how we would fall in love, be together and how jealous the 16yr old boy would be. How he'd be sorry he treated me like that. It seems stupid now, but at the time I was so hurt by what the 16yr old did. I made myself look nice, I was intent on doing this. I lied to my parents. I walked all the way to the other side of the village. I knocked on his door and he invited me in - We barely spoke before he started kissing me. I became nervous, he was moving too quickly. He started kissing me roughly, then he started groping me, and this quickly developed into him fingering me. I told him it hurt, it didn't feel nice. He then unzipped his flies and smirked. I remember him saying "Let's see if this feels any better then." Then he was on top of me. I hated it, I didn't want to be doing it. I didn't like it at all, I was in so much pain. I couldn't say stop, I couldn't speak. All I managed was to tell him it hurts, over and over. He didn't care. Afterwards, he told me, like a gentlemen, that I was too young for him - we couldn't be together because I was so young. I was speechless. He'd used me, he exploited me and there was nothing I could say or do. I went home and cryed. I didn't want to tell my parents. We had a terrible relationship and I felt ashamed, dirty, wrong. I called charity lines and friends before I confessed. I knew I had to - I was terrified of getting pregnant because he hadn't used a condom. I was humiliated when everybody at school heard about it. It felt like the whole village knew. I felt worthless and ashamed. I thought I was getting stares everywhere I went. I became paranoid and stopped talking to any boys. I did a chlamydia test and thankfully nothing was wrong but because I'd told them my age, (14 yrs) they called me afterwards because they felt concerned for me. When I explained the situation they said I should report him, and they said what he did was wrong, but I didn't feel I had a leg to stand on - I hadn't said "No" or "Stop" at any point, so surely, it couldn't be called rape? I felt so stupid for letting him do it to me. I was scarred for a long time, emotionally. I wouldn't speak to any boys and I thought that none of them could be trusted. It made things even harder with my Mum and Dad because I felt they couldn't trust me or were judging me. I just felt used, dirty and wrong. Now I look back I think it was rape..

    Reply

    Mischa - 06/02/2013

    • Hi Mischa,

      Thanks for you post. We're sorry to hear what happened to you.

      Yes that was rape; being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. It wasn't your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent this, don't blame yourself. Someone doesn't have to say the word 'no' to withhold their permission, there are lots of ways they might say they don't want to do something or have sex. Find out more about consent here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult/consent

      It's good you spoke up about your experience, if you want to talk about it further, if you're under 18 still you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you're over 18, alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • LJ

    06/02/2013

    it was last week, no one is yet to know of this incodent (not even parents). im only 14 you know, he was 27. i dont know who he was but he kept telling me that he knew me. i was scared and i was shaking like a wet dog. i was playing hide and seek with my friends, there were 18 of us, and i was hiding along with 16 others, we split up and went in different directions.there was a shadow behind me so i carried on running thinking it was a mates, the next minitue i was inder a bush with a masked man. it was a nightmare, he just didnt want to let go, iscreamed and shouted my friends name!! within seconds i felt something go in me, felt numb but i could feel it.he was squeesing me so tight i struggeled to breathe. i was raped. he ditched me near the river, where no one could see me. when i woke up from this nightmere i checked my phone, 84 missed calls and 5 hours late home. i couldnt go home not yet.

    Reply

    LJ - 06/02/2013

    • Hi LJ,

      Thanks for messaging, we're truly sorry to hear about this horrific incident.

      You need to speak up; rape is a crime and it should be reported. Please understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      Please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk confidentially or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • Izzy

    05/02/2013

    I dont know if they count I dont think they could because I didnt say 'no' and the first person was my boyfriend, and i went to house some was kind of asking for it I knew what he was like just thought he wouldnt be like that with me, he rang me up afterward telling me how to be and what to wear next time. and i was on top so that makes it not rape right? The second time i said yes because i had no choice and i loved him but i really didnt want to and i think he knew that, so he promise me he wouldnt hurt me or go all the way but i understand now, that what i thought he meant wasnt what he meant because in my eyes he went all the way, I was only 15 i could have been rape it doesnt count does it? I hate the thought of sex at all now it scares me but i feel powerless and weak how do i get rid of these feeling? I still love them both loads but they have both moved on and i am try but finding it hard should i?

    Reply

    Izzy - 05/02/2013

    • Hi Izzy,

      Thanks very much for your post.

      Firstly, please understand that sex with any girl/boy under 16 is unlawful, including oral. It doesn't make any difference if permission (consent) is given or not, if you're under 16 sex is illegal.

      Secondly, being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. It's not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent this. It's important you understand more about consent - check here for more information - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult/consent. It's simple really, if two people (over 16) want to have sex with each other it should be something that they both agree and consent to. Your boyfriend should not be pressuring you into it and he needs to check his behaviour.

      We think you need to try and find someone you trust to talk to about your experiences. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them, or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • Lillie

    05/02/2013

    I was raped when I was younger but I lied about it, telling all our friends the next day that I wanted to do it, because I didn't want to seem pathetic. I didn't want anyone to know I'd allow someone else to victimise me in that way, I didn't want to admit to others I could be forced into anything.
    I'm 18 now, I have a long-term boyfriend whom I love dearly, trust with everything and would be lost without. He is caring, faithful and sensitive; everything any girl desires and struggles to identify in a boyfriend, we live together, share everything and are described as 'perfect for each other'. Sometimes I don't want to have sex with him, not because I don't fancy him, just my drive is not as high as his. I convince myself that because we have already engaged in consensual sex in the past, it's not rape because I have previously agreed to it with him. I say "I'm really not up for it." and try to engage him in different activities.. But he often won't take no for an answer, tells himself I'm playing 'hard to get' and I feel as though its my fault. How can I get him to stop without exposing how small and pathetic I really am?

    Sometimes I find myself crying uncontrollably for no obvious reason and random times, is this a result of the rape or completely irrelevant? I'd be interested to know other girls' responses..

    Reply

    Lillie - 05/02/2013

    • Hi Lillie,

      Thanks very much for your message.

      A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around. Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

      You need to understand more about consent - consent to one sort of sexual activity does not mean you are getting consent to everything. Permission is required for each activity. You can withdrawn your consent at any time, if you change your mind, it's your right to do so. And even if you have had sex with someone before, you still need permission the next time. You should not feel guilty, your boyfriend is the one who needs to check his behaviour, he's pressuring you into sex when you don't want to - see here for more information - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult/the-law and here for more about abuse - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/am-i-abusive

      Please try and find someone you trust to talk to about this and your past experience - it could be a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • Anonymous

    05/02/2013

    This has been the absolute worst day of my life. When I was 7 up until 11, I was sexually molested by two distant family members. I have never fully recovered. I have had a few partners throughout my life but find difficulty trusting men with that part of myself. Anytime, memories of it surface I quickly tuck them back into the recesses of my, mind as it still a great source of shame and sadness. I trusted these people and was too afraid to say no. I am forever changed by what gghhhappened. And now today, I find out my 11 year old son tried to sexually assault his 9 year old friend. I am so unimaginably devastated. I have no idea what to do about this. My son is special needs having both adhd and possibly asperger's which creates even more difficulty in making him understand the severity of what he's done. I am so lost, angry, and disappointed. Please help me.

    Reply

    Anonymous - 05/02/2013

  • Confused Really

    04/02/2013

    I saw this movie 'Unfaithful' sometime back, where the female protagonist is seduced by a friend of hers. While she is initially reluctant and asks her friend to stop, she gives in soon, and the two continue to have passionate sex and later develop an affair. Now, some friends, both women and men, have told me that they have been in similar situations where it starts with a 'no' and ends with a 'yes'.

    Question is - how does one know whether the 'no' is a NO? And if one were to push further after the initial 'no' to find out, will that be violation?

    Reply

    Confused Really - 04/02/2013

    • Hi Confused Really,

      Thanks for your question.

      If two people want to have sex with each other it should be something that they both agree and consent to. We suggest you find out more about consent - look here for more information http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult/consent.

      Please understand that forcing or pressuring someone into having sex or take part in sexual activity that they're not comfortable with is unacceptable.

      This Is Abuse team 08/02/2013

  • Martha

    04/02/2013

    The 11yr old returns:
    As part of our stranger danger routine in School we do self defence to the weak and unprovable. The Police said it was really important and showed us these clips and now we know why we need to do martial arts. I think this is a good idea, but most of these posts say he was really strong and their a lot older, then what do I do?

    Reply

    Martha - 04/02/2013

    • Hi again Martha,

      Thanks for your message.

      We suggest you discuss your concerns with an adult, talk to your teacher or your parents about your worries. Or ask the police who attend your Stranger Danger sessions at school.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • Martha

    04/02/2013

    I'm 11 and probably to young for this website, but I like to know about what's going on in the real world. This seems a terrifying aspect and I am literally frozen every time these adverts come on. This happened to my friend with a so called 'Neighbour' (who is now in prison) We learn't about this in school. But is it normal I'm so scared?

    Reply

    Martha - 04/02/2013

    • Hi Martha,

      Thank you for your feedback, it's good you are seeking information.

      We're sorry to hear that you find the ads distressing, we do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.

      Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with. So our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • Rebecca

    04/02/2013

    i have had oral sex and anal sex and this was consented, is this rape although i felt like i wanted to and sort of didnt want to, i felt both at the same time..is this rape?

    Reply

    Rebecca - 04/02/2013

    • Hi Rebecca,

      To be clear; rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.

      If you were pressured into sex perhaps you should try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      Alternatively if you're under 18 you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you're over 18 you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information. They can advise regarding sexual assault as well, not just rape.

      This Is Abuse team 11/02/2013

  • Daisy

    04/02/2013

    i know this is a bit wierd, but is rape also when a man/boy shoves his penis into a girls mouth when she doesnt want to?
    because i was forced into giving head and having sex when i didnt know if i should do this.
    the person i gave head and had sex with, i really LOVED him, he moved schools, the first day he forced me but then i said ''i'll do it'' and at the same time i felt i didnt want to and wanted to.
    so does this mean he forced me to give him head although i felt i wanted and didnt want to at the same time?

    Reply

    Daisy - 04/02/2013

    • Hi Daisy,

      Thanks for your message.

      In answer to your question, yes that is rape and it sounds like you were pressured into having sex/taking part in sexual activity when you didn't really want to.

      Let's be clear, the law says rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.

      We think you should talk to someone about your experiences - try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      This Is Abuse team 08/02/2013

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