Thank you for contacting us and if this is what has happened to you it must be very distressing for you and its important that you see if you can get some help for yourself. Is there anyone you trust who you could talk to about what has happened?
Rape is a very serious crime and should be reported to the local police in the area that you live. They have specially trained officers to support victims of rape who will give advice and support as well as deal with the investigation. However, this can seem like a very scary thing to do as often victims of rape worry that they might not be believed or feel ashamed about what has happened. If you did think about reporting it would be good to take a close friend or family member with you for support and to keep reminding yourself that what has happened is not your fault.
If you do not feel able to report it you should maybe see your GP or local sexual health clinic where they can check you out physically as you may need emergency contraception - all of this would be done confidentially .It would also be good to contact the national charity Rape crisis for some support and advice. They won't tell you what to do but will discuss options with you about what you can do and the care you might need be that physical or emotional. Their helpline number is 0808 8029999 and the website is www.rapecrisis.org.uk
Try and talk to someone and get some support for yourself.There are services available that can help and you should not have to cope with this alone
3 years ago i met a boy who i fell in love with. i was 14 at the time and told him i was not ready for sex, 3 months later he raped me and then beat me up. i was scared of him so stayed with him for a year. the whole time he would beat me up daily and rape me, we did have some good times but if i ever didnt want to see him or anything he would go mad. with the help of my friends i managed to end the relationship however he kept doing it. i bump into him sometimes and he just hits me and sometimes makes me have sex with him. i am in a relationship with someone else now and and have been together for a few months we are really happy but i get flash backs and freak out when he touches me or gets too close to me sometimes which really gets me down and it also makes my boyfriend feel bad. i have never spoken to my family or the police about this so was just wondering what other people would do in my situation?
Thank you for your message. You have shown so much strength and courage to post here, you have been through something really traumatic and you have been really resourceful and brave to deal with this alone. You don’t have to anymore, there is support out there.
You say you have not told the police or your family but your friends have been helping you. It’s good you have some support, but it sounds like this person is very dangerous to you and you may need some extra support to keep yourself from harm. If you feel you are in danger from him anytime you can call 999.
What has happened is not your fault and you are not to blame for anything that he has done to you. He has committed serious crimes against you.
If you don’t feel you can talk to your family or any other trusted adults I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). If you have someone supporting you it will be easier for you to make the next move towards getting some help and deciding what to do next. It must feel really daunting on your own and you have been really strong to end the relationship. If you take the next step towards getting some help, things will feel easier for you as you won’t be coping alone.
I have included a link to a leaflet about flashbacks you may want to look at
We have live chat weeknights from 5-7, you can use it to talk about how you are feeling and what you could do next.
I was in a 3year relationship whch was abusive from the start but as I was so young just thought it was normal for boys to do this to girls till I started seeing adverts on the tv about it but I was to scared to do anything I didn't have a voice of my own I did everything he asked me to do I ended up in trouble at school and at home I started having to skip school cause he wanted me too he would ring my school and say I was ill and wouldn't be in when I did go to school he would sit outside to see If I talked to anyone I had no one to talk to and I felt so alone I started to drift away from everyone I stopped talking to everyone and then I got pregnant as I was a young teenage mum I felt scared and fragile I wanted to do the best for my child but also do I also didn't want to get hurt and end up hurting the baby when I was very heavily pregnant he strangled me and I fainted he then kicked me and kicked me and pushed me down the stairs for getting up and going to the toilet in the middle of the night with out telling him and then when the baby was born because the baby wouldn't do what he wanted the baby to do he would start hurting the baby that was that I couldn't let him hurt a harmless baby I texted the police and got out of there iam now working with womens aid to get my self esteem back and will be sorting out my and my babys life out
Thank you for sharing your story with people reading this site. You have been through a really traumatic experience and you showed enormous courage ending the relationship and seeking help for yourself and your child. I’m happy you are getting the support you need now.
Thanks again for your message,
I was in a very abusive relationship for 15 years. It ended when I was pushed down stairs. I had a fractured scull and bleeding brain. He left me at home in bed for 3 days making my children feed me soup and giving me Valium and other different drugs. I don't remember any of this it's what people have told me. The only thing I remember was waking up in hospital.
Anyway, that was the last time it every happened. He got 4 years in jail and I got my life back and so did my children, I have moved out of the area and feel very strong and positive about life now. Anyone going through abuse can do it. It is very hard but possible and worth it
Thanks for your message and sharing a part of your experience with us. It sounds like you have had the strength and perisitence to escape an extremely abusive and dangerous relationship. We are glad to hear that you and your children are safe now.
Thanks for your message of support to others
I've been in a relationship for about 7 months now. Everything was going great for the first 3 months, until he went away for a whole month. Ever since, we haven't been the same. Recently, he went through my contacts, read through mine and my ex's messages and deleted all the boys he didn't like me speaking to. Also, he's started to become very flirtatious with lots of girls, and then isn't like that with me, but he acts this way with other girls in front of me and he knows it really upsets me. I've told him, but he just doesn't stop. For the past year or so, I've been having quite a tough time, and he helped me a lot, but now he doesn't, he says to me that I don't care about him and don't love him when I don't reply quick enough when I'm busy, I get really self concious and I ask him if he loves me, so he gets really angry and agitated and says that I'm the one who doesn't love him, he doesn't really have much respect for my possessions either. About 2 weeks ago, he got very close with my best friend, and they were talking a lot. They kept a lot of secrets and specifically told eachother not to tell me as my friend showed me the messages. He also gets angry if I don't text him first. Is this right of him or should I just look over this?
Thanks for posting. I think you are right to be concerned about your boyfriends behaviours. It sounds as though they are really upsetting you. It’s certainly not okay for him to go through your phone and even less so to be telling you who you can or can not speak to.
The behaviours he is using seem designed to make you feel bad. Getting angry with you for seeing friends and checking your phone are both very controlling behaviours, they can make you feel low, isolated and impact on your confidence.
Em, I think it would be a really good idea to talk to an adult you trust about what is happening and to think about whether staying in a relationship with someone who is disrespectful of you and your possessions and who is angry with you a lot of the time is really what you want.
If you are over 16 you can get support from a local women’s service www.womensaid.org.uk is a good place to start.
If you are under 18 you can also talk things through with an advisor from Childline on 0800 1111 or you can chat to an advisor using our live chat service between 5pm & 7pm on weekdays.
I go to the mosque and on july 4th 2011 i saw a man who was a cuple of the kids uncle. and the minute he looked at me he wudnt stop looking. i was young so got convinced that i liked him. i later on got to know he was married and that his age was around 40. he told me to meet him in a spot one day after skwl so i went with no itnentions what so ever. he then took me to some bushes and kissed me but at the same time was holding me very tightly and then he revealed him below area and told me to put my mouth on it. he ended up choking me and i passed out but he said he did it cuz he luved me. on my birthday he took my virginity but i did not want it to happen. atleast thats what i think. wehn ia sked him about his wife he goes that was a force marriage you are the one i love. he then had sex with me evry time he saw me.he then started plumbing in my house and everytime he got the chance he would make me choke on him and would let his mouth onto my breasts. and now 2 years later. he got involved in the police so i told him i wanted to part of him. i had sed it once before but he had hurt me more than once before. this time ii meant it. he then went and told his wife that i lead him on and had an affair with him . his wife thinkz bad of me but stil doesnt know the truth. I dont what this was. was it rape or not ???
Thank you for your comment. It must be really difficult for you to talk about this, and must be quite scary, so thank you for coming forward to speak about it.
If somebody forces or coerces you in to performing sexual acts for them against your will then this is rape. We all have the right to say no to sex if we do not want to do it, as it is our body our choice.
It seems that him, and possibly both of you, knew that what was happening wasn't right as it seemed that it was very secretive.
I think, in this instance, you have to trust your instincts on how you feel. If you feel that you did not give consent, you weren't ready to have sex, or he made you do something you didn't want to do then it is rape.
You can talk to the Rape Crisis helpline who may be able to talk you through your options, help you access support or just listen to you if that's all you want at this time. Their number is 0808 802 9999.
If he ever does something to you again that you don't want to happen then you can call the police. They are there to protect you. Similarly, you can also call the police around any incident in the past that you know had been rape or sexual assault.
This is Abuse team - 15/12/2013
Hi my name is stacy i was with my boyfriend for over 3 years and at the start he was so loveing and careing towards me then he changed whenever we would have an argument he would hit me and he tryed 2 choke me a few times ive ever told anyone this before he left bruises on my arm a few times and my family members would ask what happend but i always came up with silly excuses like i walked in to a door things like that but the thing is he always made me feel like it was my fault he did it is this abuse ?
It’s really good that you decided to ask someone about this. Trying to choke you and leaving you with bruises is assault which is a criminal offence and yes is very abusive. It would be good for you to talk with someone about this, either a family member or a professional support service.
If you are over 16 you could contact Women’s Aid www.womensaid.org.uk or if you are under 18 you could call Childline on 0800 1111.
Take good care Stacy,
from the age off 13 my mum abused me sexually and it lasted for over 4 to 5 years, she said for me not to say nothing to my brother, step father and my teaches.
Thanks for your post. It takes real courage to talk about abuse. What happened to you was wrong. It can be really helpful to speak to a professional and get support. Survivors UK offers advice and support to men who have experienced rape or sexual abuse www.survivorsuk.org and NAPAC for survivors of childhood sexual abuse www.napac.org.uk
I hope you get some good support.
i was in a relationship with a boy . i lost contact and met with him after 2 years and we got on. when we first met we wre laying on grass and yeah rolled on top of me and started becoming all touchy and i went along with it but nothing happened sexually. we next met in the same place and he started to take my clothes off. it was a private placee and he revealed his privates and tried to go insdie me but i kept pushing him away. he got really angry and ran off. he gave me another chance if i met up with him again and had sex. everyt time he was be sweet and romantic but then it always lead to sex. he then asked for anal and when he did it i screamed as it was very painful and he never hit me physcially but he swore and said the most horrid things. he stil forced himself inside me but to me it was normal. I loved him and still do i had to apart from him because of my family however i still think to this day whether it was rape or just normal sex ???
Thank you so much for your comment, we should never be confused whether a sexual incident was consensual or rape, so it must be very hard for you to talk about what happened.
It is your body, and you have the right to say no to sex itself, in any form, and to anything your partner suggests doing during sex that you don't want to do. It is also important to remember that you can withdraw consent at any time during sex.
From what you have said it seems like your ex-partner pressured you in to having sex, and that it wasn't really your choice. However, you are the only person that truly knows if it was consensual or not. It might be worth contacting Rape Crisis: 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9:30pm). They will talk you through your feelings around the incidents and help you answer this question a little bit more, and may be able to put some support in place for you.
This is Abuse team - 10/12/2013
Hi, When I was younger I was sexually abused for 6 years for about 4 or 5 days of the week each week. It was my big cousin. he was much older then me and alot bigger. I was forced to give and receive oral sex among other sexual acts but came very close to vaginal rape at times but he never went through with that thankfully, as I was getting older he was getting closer to it. I remember feeling the burn on my wrists as I was trying to get away and he was pulling me back, he was so big I didn't have a chance, he would just pin me down and i'd be struggling to get away telling him to stop i didnt want to do it I am now 19 and feel after years of being semi-alright about it it's really starting to hit me again now. Everytime I get close to a guy I just start to freak out when he touches me, I get flashbacks and end it before anything has really started up because that way I don't have to deal with the flashbacks . I find myself crying in bed most nights over what happened, I just feel so disgusting and dirty, I feel like if any guy knew he would think it was disgusting and I need disinfected or something. I don't feel I can talk to my mum because it would break her heart if she knew it still affected me and I don't want to burden her. I don't really know what i'm looking for from this site, I just don't know what to do anymore
First and foremost, please remember that the abuse you suffered was not your fault. As a survivor of abuse myself I understand just how much you feel that you're to blame for what happened. Thoughts like "Did I lead him on? Is it me that's at fault? Did I deserve this?". Well the answer to all of the above is NO. What I can say is that you are not alone in how you feel. There are many people out there (both male and female) who have gone through similar situations. I cannot say that I know how you feel because I am not you and each of our stories are unique to us. What I can say is that you CAN get through this and with time and the help of those you trust you may be able to put everything into its proper perspective but please do not let this be the dominant condition of your life. You have much to live for and a long life ahead of you. To finish with a Chinese Blessing "May you have a quiet life.".
Charles Moores - 10/12/2013
When I was very small, I was pressured into doing stuff with a guy that was about 16ish. It's been about 6 years since then, and I haven't told anyone. I would feel awful if I were to tell anyone, because I don't want to betray him or cause problems, but at the same time I feel like I was robbed of my childhood innocence. What should I do?
Thank you for contact us. Your experience must have been very scary, and clearly still has a hold over you.
It's important to remember that this is not your fault, you boy you were with at the time should have known that what he was doing was wrong. The law makes it illegal for any persons under the age of sixteen to give consent to sex. Nobody has the right to force you to perform any sexual act that you do not feel comfortable with, it is your body and your choice.
You don't have to report the man involved, but I think it would be really helpful to talk to a professional around what happened. I know that this seems difficult, but I think it would be really good for you. If you are still under 16 it would be helpful for you to contact Childline, if you are over 16 then please do contact Rape Crisis.
Childline: 0800 1111 or via their website www.childline.org.uk ChildLine is a counselling service for children and young people.
Rape Crisis: 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9:30pm). National helpline for survivors of sexual violence including specific advice for under 18s. www.rapecrisis.org.uk
This is Abuse team - 09/12/2013
I am glad you have got in touch with us. It must be very hard to keep this to yourself for such a long time. Pressurising or forcing someone to have sex is rape and its completely understandable that you feel robbed of your childhood.This is against the law and it sounds like you were a child when this happened so that is very serious. I know it can feel scary to think about telling someone or talking about it but I think if you could manage that it would really help. Talking doesn't mean anyone will do anything or tell anyone else but talking might help you. There is an organisatioin called the havens who support people who have recently or a long time ago been sexually abused or assaulted. Their website is www.thehavens.org.uk or call them on 0203 299 1599. Alternatively there is rape crisis on 0808 802 9999.Both of these organisations will talk to you in confidence. If you could think of someone you could tell whom you trust - friend, family member then that would give you a bit more support. another option would be to tell your GP who should know about local services that could help you out. I wish you well Michelle and hope you manage to get some help and support with this - you are entitled to helpaboutr what has happened
This is Abuse team - 07/12/2013
I think this is wrong. It happened to my sister, she was sad for a period of time. My mum took it the wrong way and blamed her, so I had to look after my sister for a long time. School never helped her, don't bully please. She attempeted to commit suicide but I cryed and held onto her. Don't let this happen to anyone else, it's to upsetting. You make them feel " why me? what have I done ? " . This is ABUSE
I think these campaigns are brilliant and need to be shown on television more. But what I find interesting is that on all of the campaigns, its always the male being the abuser, not a female. I know that it is predominately males that are the perpetrators but I feel that more awareness of the abuse of males needs to be highlighted, as some men may not be able to recognise it themselves and simply feel that it is not abuse, because it is a female abuser.
Thanks for your comment Re-Anne. There is a really useful service for men experiencing abuse from a partner called the Men’s Advice Line: www.mensadviceline.org.uk 0808 801 0327.
When I was 14 I met someone who I loved and thought he loved me. he was 6years older than me.
We had sex a couple of month of being together he made me feel special and I fell pregnant but lost it and when I turned 16 I feel pregnant again to my beautiful daughter who is healthy and that's when things changed he was nasty with words which really hurt so we split up. My dad found out we slept together when I was under age and he said its rape is that true
I was in a relationship with what I thought was a really nice boy, he was quite and was a Virgin, I had sex with him about a month after we got together and for a while everything seemed to be fine, 6 months down the line I got pregnant and decided to keep the baby but he wasn't very supportive through out, we were on and off through it and decided to break up 3-4 months before I had my son. We decided to see eachother when I had the baby and I stayed at his house a few times but the more I did the more he was just interested In sex, often it would end up leading to sex but I wasn't into it, I told him it hurt but he just tried to take my mind off it and carry on but il tell him again and again it hurt and I didn't want to do it but he wouldn't move he'd stay on top of me and just talk me out of it and try again. ID try push him away but he thought it was funny and used his strength against me and wouldn't budge. He'd carry on pushing until I gave it or just kept quiet, I even held back tears a few times and acted like everything was okay. I didn't realise what he was doing to me,.
I don't know what to do or what this is? Was he raping me or was it ok because I gave in? Help please
Thanks for posting on this website. What’s happened to you is horrific and we are truly sorry to hear how you have suffered. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported. It’s important to understand that what happened was not your fault; there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
We would urge you to find someone you trust to talk to - a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, it’s really important to speak up about what happened. You have the right to be safe, and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 in confidence to talk; nothing is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline in confidence to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
You can also speak to the police about the assault. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help – if you’re unsure you might find it helpful to talk to an expert who can tell you more about the process and what to expect before you make the call to the police. You can find details of suitable organisations on the Need Help page here - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help.
If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, please call the police on 999.