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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Zoe's story

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

what do you think? share your opinions

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Results: 15 - 30 of 539

  • Chin

    02/02/2014

    Last year saturday december 14 I was on holiday staying at my cousin's house and her step brother raped me. Ever since that my life has never been the same again..I'm always angry, I keep pushing away my bf that I started dating before this happened. I don't want to have sex anymore, I have no to talk to, I always remember it, its always on my mind. I feel like its driving me mad. I'm always getting flash backs

    Reply

    Chin - 02/02/2014

    • Hi Chin,

      It sounds like a really awful experience. And rape is a very traumatic incident. It is going to have a huge effect on your mental health.

      There are options for you, if you wanted to report this to the Police then you still could. But I also think you need to look at what support there is for your mental health. You can ring Rape Crisis if you are having difficulties about something that has happened in the past. If you ring them, they can offer telephone counselling and 'one to one' counselling, practical and emotional support and practical information. They will not tell you what to do or judge your actions.

      Counselling provides a space to help you gain a clearer understanding of yourself and your situation. Rape Crisis counsellors will never force you to talk about anything you are not ready to. At any of your appointments the counsellor will answer any questions you have about counselling or other support needs. You and your counsellor will review whether you feel the counselling is meeting your needs on a regular basis.

      None of this is your fault, he chose to do this to you. It was out of your control. But what you have to focus on at the moment is getting some support for yourself. You might want to consider any close friends or family members that you may wish to tell, as they may be able to put in some extra support for you.

      But also, please give Rape Crisis a call on 0808 802 9999.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 03/02/2014

  • cloe

    01/02/2014

    Hello I'm a little confused. There a few boys my age That grab without permission. They tell me bad things and try to pressure me into doing things with them. I haven't and I won't becoz I don't want to
    Is this normal behaviour for boys? To touch girls??

    Reply

    cloe - 01/02/2014

    • Hi Cloe,

      Thanks for coming forward and talking about this. It must seem quite a difficult thing to do.

      Grabbing someone is not normal behaviour, and when it is more than one person it is even more concerning, because they encourage each other to believe that it is ok.

      If they are grabbing you in sexual ways then this is sexual assault, so if they were to grab your breast or your bum. This is not ok. It is really important to tell somebody about what is happening, so maybe a teacher or somebody at school who you trust, you might also consider telling a parent.

      If you want to talk to someone about what is happening then you can call childlike on 0800 1111 if you are under 16, if you are 16 or over then you can call the national helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      It's really important to remember that this is not acceptable, it is your body, and you don't have to let anybody touch it unless you want them to.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 02/02/2014

  • Alexa

    01/02/2014

    my bf made me have sex with him although he had said he didn't want to have sex half an hour before and I tried to put him off but he carried on and I stopped resisting it because I was abit horrified and didn't know what to think and didn't want it to be rape but is this still rape, I don't know what to do because I work with him and still want to be with him but I don't want him to touch me anymore, and when I am alone with him he can be really nice but has said some horrible things to me when in front of other people, Im feeling really confused about it, I think I have been raped before but I never told anyone because he was a friend still to family and didn't feel I could talk about it

    Reply

    Alexa - 01/02/2014

    • Hi Alexa,

      It sounds like there are a few issues here that it might be helpful to explore.

      It is never acceptable for somebody to pressure or force you to have sex, or perform sexual acts. This is rape. To have consensual sex you must actually say yes. It is not enough for your partner or a person to presume that you want to have sex, and it is still rape if you feel like you 'give in' when you are pressured to have sex. This is not your fault.

      I think it would be really helpful to talk about what has happened in a little bit more detail. You can talk to us on Live Chat Monday-Friday, 5pm until 7pm, but you can also call Rape Crisis, their telephone number is 0808 802 9999, they can talk through what you have experienced and look at what support can be put in place for you.

      It might also be helpful to talk to a friend about what has happened so that you have a little bit more support.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 01/02/2014

  • Renaldo Walker

    23/01/2014

    I have been raped what do you think my friend said call the cops but i decided not to because it might cause chaos ideas and response help me

    Reply

    Renaldo Walker - 23/01/2014

    • no hun tell the police, you need to do something about this because rape is such a serious thing and if this has happened to you your going to have to tell the police trust me you will feel better when all of this is over and that will start when you tell them. you don't have to say something you don't want to, you say what ever you are comfortable with! chin up you haven't done anything wrong.

      courtney - 27/01/2014

    • Thank you for your message. I am so sorry to hear that you have been raped.
      It is your decision whether to call the police or not, a good idea may be to first contact a support service such as rape crisis who can offer you support and advice. If you want to then tell the police they can support you with that process.

      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

      They are aimed at working with women and girls, but will be able to listen and direct you to the right service if you are a male.

      You can also contact Survivors UK http://www.survivorsuk.org/ 0845 122 1201 who work with male victims of sexual violence
      or Survivors Trust http://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/find-support/ have details of lots of support groups around the country.

      You deserve support and do not have to go through this alone, I hope that this helps.
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 25/01/2014

  • Annoymous

    20/01/2014

    I never thought he was abusive until I saw the mtv campaign listing behaviours. He is controlling, he shouts if I don't want to do what he wants. He shouts if im not on time. He always tells me my opinion is valid but you know when I speak up - im wrong. He always tells me that I cant tell my friends about how angry he gets cos it hurts him. One time he threw his phone across the floor in an argument which doesn't sound like much but at the time he was so angry. I thought he was going to throw it at me. He was drunk one time and insisted we walk home rather than taxi it. I don't like walking home where I live. It's not a safe place. He did things to scare me like show off my purse to dogdey ppl who were hanging round.

    And you know ... Everytime he says he cant remember and he's really sorry and that he won't let me go because h loves me so much I love him but I don't know how much I can take.

    I don't know what the difference between argument and absuse is.....

    Reply

    Annoymous - 20/01/2014

    • Dear Annonymous,

      Thanks for your post. I am really pleased that you decided to get in touch.

      The things that your boyfriend is doing sound as though they are designed to frighten you, which is abusive in itself. Putting you in dangerous situations is really not okay, nor is making you feel that you cannot say that you don’t want to do something.

      Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Perhaps an adult that you trust? It doesn’t have to be someone in authority.

      It is very difficult when someone is saying that they care for us, or that they take our thoughts and feelings seriously but their actions say something else. It is important to be aware of what someone actually does. It sounds as though you are worried about the way he has behaved towards you, and I would agree it is something to be concerned about.

      If you wanted to talk with an advisor about it you could use the Live Chat function on this site Monday to Friday 5pm-7pm.

      You don’t say how old you are but if you are over 16 you might want to speak with an advisor on the National 24 Hour helpline on 0808 2000 247, if you are under 18 you could call Childline and speak with a counsellor.

      Take Care,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team - 22/01/2014

  • anisa khan

    16/01/2014

    if someone raped me what shall i do

    Reply

    anisa khan - 16/01/2014

    • Hello Anisa

      Thank you for contacting us and if this is what has happened to you it must be very distressing for you and its important that you see if you can get some help for yourself. Is there anyone you trust who you could talk to about what has happened?

      Rape is a very serious crime and should be reported to the local police in the area that you live. They have specially trained officers to support victims of rape who will give advice and support as well as deal with the investigation. However, this can seem like a very scary thing to do as often victims of rape worry that they might not be believed or feel ashamed about what has happened. If you did think about reporting it would be good to take a close friend or family member with you for support and to keep reminding yourself that what has happened is not your fault.

      If you do not feel able to report it you should maybe see your GP or local sexual health clinic where they can check you out physically as you may need emergency contraception - all of this would be done confidentially .It would also be good to contact the national charity Rape crisis for some support and advice. They won't tell you what to do but will discuss options with you about what you can do and the care you might need be that physical or emotional. Their helpline number is 0808 8029999 and the website is www.rapecrisis.org.uk

      Try and talk to someone and get some support for yourself.There are services available that can help and you should not have to cope with this alone

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 16/01/2014

  • Anonymous

    12/01/2014

    3 years ago i met a boy who i fell in love with. i was 14 at the time and told him i was not ready for sex, 3 months later he raped me and then beat me up. i was scared of him so stayed with him for a year. the whole time he would beat me up daily and rape me, we did have some good times but if i ever didnt want to see him or anything he would go mad. with the help of my friends i managed to end the relationship however he kept doing it. i bump into him sometimes and he just hits me and sometimes makes me have sex with him. i am in a relationship with someone else now and and have been together for a few months we are really happy but i get flash backs and freak out when he touches me or gets too close to me sometimes which really gets me down and it also makes my boyfriend feel bad. i have never spoken to my family or the police about this so was just wondering what other people would do in my situation?

    Reply

    Anonymous - 12/01/2014

    • Dear Anonymous,

      Thank you for your message. You have shown so much strength and courage to post here, you have been through something really traumatic and you have been really resourceful and brave to deal with this alone. You don’t have to anymore, there is support out there.

      You say you have not told the police or your family but your friends have been helping you. It’s good you have some support, but it sounds like this person is very dangerous to you and you may need some extra support to keep yourself from harm. If you feel you are in danger from him anytime you can call 999.

      What has happened is not your fault and you are not to blame for anything that he has done to you. He has committed serious crimes against you.

      If you don’t feel you can talk to your family or any other trusted adults I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). If you have someone supporting you it will be easier for you to make the next move towards getting some help and deciding what to do next. It must feel really daunting on your own and you have been really strong to end the relationship. If you take the next step towards getting some help, things will feel easier for you as you won’t be coping alone.

      I have included a link to a leaflet about flashbacks you may want to look at

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_copingWithFlashbacks_forSurvivors.pdf

      We have live chat weeknights from 5-7, you can use it to talk about how you are feeling and what you could do next.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 13/01/2014

  • Marie

    21/12/2013

    I was in a 3year relationship whch was abusive from the start but as I was so young just thought it was normal for boys to do this to girls till I started seeing adverts on the tv about it but I was to scared to do anything I didn't have a voice of my own I did everything he asked me to do I ended up in trouble at school and at home I started having to skip school cause he wanted me too he would ring my school and say I was ill and wouldn't be in when I did go to school he would sit outside to see If I talked to anyone I had no one to talk to and I felt so alone I started to drift away from everyone I stopped talking to everyone and then I got pregnant as I was a young teenage mum I felt scared and fragile I wanted to do the best for my child but also do I also didn't want to get hurt and end up hurting the baby when I was very heavily pregnant he strangled me and I fainted he then kicked me and kicked me and pushed me down the stairs for getting up and going to the toilet in the middle of the night with out telling him and then when the baby was born because the baby wouldn't do what he wanted the baby to do he would start hurting the baby that was that I couldn't let him hurt a harmless baby I texted the police and got out of there iam now working with womens aid to get my self esteem back and will be sorting out my and my babys life out

    Reply

    Marie - 21/12/2013

    • Dear Marie,

      Thank you for sharing your story with people reading this site. You have been through a really traumatic experience and you showed enormous courage ending the relationship and seeking help for yourself and your child. I’m happy you are getting the support you need now.

      Thanks again for your message,

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 23/12/2013

  • Julie brogan

    19/12/2013

    I was in a very abusive relationship for 15 years. It ended when I was pushed down stairs. I had a fractured scull and bleeding brain. He left me at home in bed for 3 days making my children feed me soup and giving me Valium and other different drugs. I don't remember any of this it's what people have told me. The only thing I remember was waking up in hospital.
    Anyway, that was the last time it every happened. He got 4 years in jail and I got my life back and so did my children, I have moved out of the area and feel very strong and positive about life now. Anyone going through abuse can do it. It is very hard but possible and worth it

    Reply

    Julie brogan - 19/12/2013

    • Hello Julie

      Thanks for your message and sharing a part of your experience with us. It sounds like you have had the strength and perisitence to escape an extremely abusive and dangerous relationship. We are glad to hear that you and your children are safe now.

      Thanks for your message of support to others

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 21/12/2013

  • Em

    16/12/2013

    I've been in a relationship for about 7 months now. Everything was going great for the first 3 months, until he went away for a whole month. Ever since, we haven't been the same. Recently, he went through my contacts, read through mine and my ex's messages and deleted all the boys he didn't like me speaking to. Also, he's started to become very flirtatious with lots of girls, and then isn't like that with me, but he acts this way with other girls in front of me and he knows it really upsets me. I've told him, but he just doesn't stop. For the past year or so, I've been having quite a tough time, and he helped me a lot, but now he doesn't, he says to me that I don't care about him and don't love him when I don't reply quick enough when I'm busy, I get really self concious and I ask him if he loves me, so he gets really angry and agitated and says that I'm the one who doesn't love him, he doesn't really have much respect for my possessions either. About 2 weeks ago, he got very close with my best friend, and they were talking a lot. They kept a lot of secrets and specifically told eachother not to tell me as my friend showed me the messages. He also gets angry if I don't text him first. Is this right of him or should I just look over this?

    Reply

    Em - 16/12/2013

    • Dear Em,

      Thanks for posting. I think you are right to be concerned about your boyfriends behaviours. It sounds as though they are really upsetting you. It’s certainly not okay for him to go through your phone and even less so to be telling you who you can or can not speak to.

      The behaviours he is using seem designed to make you feel bad. Getting angry with you for seeing friends and checking your phone are both very controlling behaviours, they can make you feel low, isolated and impact on your confidence.

      Em, I think it would be a really good idea to talk to an adult you trust about what is happening and to think about whether staying in a relationship with someone who is disrespectful of you and your possessions and who is angry with you a lot of the time is really what you want.

      If you are over 16 you can get support from a local women’s service www.womensaid.org.uk is a good place to start.

      If you are under 18 you can also talk things through with an advisor from Childline on 0800 1111 or you can chat to an advisor using our live chat service between 5pm & 7pm on weekdays.

      Take Care,

      Brian.

      This is Abuse team 18/12/2013

  • Astha

    14/12/2013

    I go to the mosque and on july 4th 2011 i saw a man who was a cuple of the kids uncle. and the minute he looked at me he wudnt stop looking. i was young so got convinced that i liked him. i later on got to know he was married and that his age was around 40. he told me to meet him in a spot one day after skwl so i went with no itnentions what so ever. he then took me to some bushes and kissed me but at the same time was holding me very tightly and then he revealed him below area and told me to put my mouth on it. he ended up choking me and i passed out but he said he did it cuz he luved me. on my birthday he took my virginity but i did not want it to happen. atleast thats what i think. wehn ia sked him about his wife he goes that was a force marriage you are the one i love. he then had sex with me evry time he saw me.he then started plumbing in my house and everytime he got the chance he would make me choke on him and would let his mouth onto my breasts. and now 2 years later. he got involved in the police so i told him i wanted to part of him. i had sed it once before but he had hurt me more than once before. this time ii meant it. he then went and told his wife that i lead him on and had an affair with him . his wife thinkz bad of me but stil doesnt know the truth. I dont what this was. was it rape or not ???

    Reply

    Astha - 14/12/2013

    • Hi Astha,

      Thank you for your comment. It must be really difficult for you to talk about this, and must be quite scary, so thank you for coming forward to speak about it.

      If somebody forces or coerces you in to performing sexual acts for them against your will then this is rape. We all have the right to say no to sex if we do not want to do it, as it is our body our choice.

      It seems that him, and possibly both of you, knew that what was happening wasn't right as it seemed that it was very secretive.

      I think, in this instance, you have to trust your instincts on how you feel. If you feel that you did not give consent, you weren't ready to have sex, or he made you do something you didn't want to do then it is rape.

      You can talk to the Rape Crisis helpline who may be able to talk you through your options, help you access support or just listen to you if that's all you want at this time. Their number is 0808 802 9999.

      If he ever does something to you again that you don't want to happen then you can call the police. They are there to protect you. Similarly, you can also call the police around any incident in the past that you know had been rape or sexual assault.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 15/12/2013

  • Stacey

    11/12/2013

    Hi my name is stacy i was with my boyfriend for over 3 years and at the start he was so loveing and careing towards me then he changed whenever we would have an argument he would hit me and he tryed 2 choke me a few times ive ever told anyone this before he left bruises on my arm a few times and my family members would ask what happend but i always came up with silly excuses like i walked in to a door things like that but the thing is he always made me feel like it was my fault he did it is this abuse ?

    Reply

    Stacey - 11/12/2013

    • Dear Stacy,

      It’s really good that you decided to ask someone about this. Trying to choke you and leaving you with bruises is assault which is a criminal offence and yes is very abusive. It would be good for you to talk with someone about this, either a family member or a professional support service.

      If you are over 16 you could contact Women’s Aid www.womensaid.org.uk or if you are under 18 you could call Childline on 0800 1111.

      Take good care Stacy,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 12/12/2013

  • jon

    10/12/2013

    from the age off 13 my mum abused me sexually and it lasted for over 4 to 5 years, she said for me not to say nothing to my brother, step father and my teaches.

    Reply

    jon - 10/12/2013

    • Dear Jon,

      Thanks for your post. It takes real courage to talk about abuse. What happened to you was wrong. It can be really helpful to speak to a professional and get support. Survivors UK offers advice and support to men who have experienced rape or sexual abuse www.survivorsuk.org and NAPAC for survivors of childhood sexual abuse www.napac.org.uk

      I hope you get some good support.

      Take Care,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 12/12/2013

  • Aaliya

    08/12/2013

    i was in a relationship with a boy . i lost contact and met with him after 2 years and we got on. when we first met we wre laying on grass and yeah rolled on top of me and started becoming all touchy and i went along with it but nothing happened sexually. we next met in the same place and he started to take my clothes off. it was a private placee and he revealed his privates and tried to go insdie me but i kept pushing him away. he got really angry and ran off. he gave me another chance if i met up with him again and had sex. everyt time he was be sweet and romantic but then it always lead to sex. he then asked for anal and when he did it i screamed as it was very painful and he never hit me physcially but he swore and said the most horrid things. he stil forced himself inside me but to me it was normal. I loved him and still do i had to apart from him because of my family however i still think to this day whether it was rape or just normal sex ???

    Reply

    Aaliya - 08/12/2013

    • Hi Aaliya,

      Thank you so much for your comment, we should never be confused whether a sexual incident was consensual or rape, so it must be very hard for you to talk about what happened.

      It is your body, and you have the right to say no to sex itself, in any form, and to anything your partner suggests doing during sex that you don't want to do. It is also important to remember that you can withdraw consent at any time during sex.

      From what you have said it seems like your ex-partner pressured you in to having sex, and that it wasn't really your choice. However, you are the only person that truly knows if it was consensual or not. It might be worth contacting Rape Crisis: 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9:30pm). They will talk you through your feelings around the incidents and help you answer this question a little bit more, and may be able to put some support in place for you.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 10/12/2013

  • ******

    07/12/2013

    Hi, When I was younger I was sexually abused for 6 years for about 4 or 5 days of the week each week. It was my big cousin. he was much older then me and alot bigger. I was forced to give and receive oral sex among other sexual acts but came very close to vaginal rape at times but he never went through with that thankfully, as I was getting older he was getting closer to it. I remember feeling the burn on my wrists as I was trying to get away and he was pulling me back, he was so big I didn't have a chance, he would just pin me down and i'd be struggling to get away telling him to stop i didnt want to do it I am now 19 and feel after years of being semi-alright about it it's really starting to hit me again now. Everytime I get close to a guy I just start to freak out when he touches me, I get flashbacks and end it before anything has really started up because that way I don't have to deal with the flashbacks . I find myself crying in bed most nights over what happened, I just feel so disgusting and dirty, I feel like if any guy knew he would think it was disgusting and I need disinfected or something. I don't feel I can talk to my mum because it would break her heart if she knew it still affected me and I don't want to burden her. I don't really know what i'm looking for from this site, I just don't know what to do anymore

    Reply

    ****** - 07/12/2013

    • First and foremost, please remember that the abuse you suffered was not your fault. As a survivor of abuse myself I understand just how much you feel that you're to blame for what happened. Thoughts like "Did I lead him on? Is it me that's at fault? Did I deserve this?". Well the answer to all of the above is NO. What I can say is that you are not alone in how you feel. There are many people out there (both male and female) who have gone through similar situations. I cannot say that I know how you feel because I am not you and each of our stories are unique to us. What I can say is that you CAN get through this and with time and the help of those you trust you may be able to put everything into its proper perspective but please do not let this be the dominant condition of your life. You have much to live for and a long life ahead of you. To finish with a Chinese Blessing "May you have a quiet life.".

      Charles Moores - 10/12/2013

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Results: 15 - 30 of 539

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