I met this boy and got to talking to him for a while, i finally went to his house. We were fooling around in the bedroom and i did suppose make it seem like i was up for sex but i wasn't. He forced me down to the bed and wouldn't get off me no matter how hard i tried. It only happened last year. But i still believe its my fault. I feel like i provoked him so i feel its not only his fault. Is it my fault as well? or am i wrong, is it just him?
as far as im concerned whether you lead him on or not as soon as you said that you didnt want it then he crossed the line and hes in the wrong.
Louise - 26/04/2012
No, it's not. I may be bias 'cuz i'm a girl too, but i don't believe it is your fault.
See if i guy's interested in you and wants to be with you, he should acknowledge (and prbably respect) whatever you say right? so when you said 'no, i don't wanna do it' he should have acknowledged that and backed off (even if reluctantly).
i 'suppose you shouldn't have led him on, and in that respect you might be at fault, but what matters is that he forced you to have sex with him. Here, he is Definately at fault.
Saki Utawarerumono - 24/04/2012
When I was 16 I went on holiday with my sister and some relatives. I was introduced to there friends one included to be a 45 year old man. As he was a friend I automatically trusted him, however during the holiday more and more things happened that made me very uncomfortable around him such as he told me he payed women of around 17 to sleep with him and said i was his type and constantly complimented me. One night the wind blew my skirt up and I pulled it down but then he tried to force it back up. Also he'd touch my bum in the pool and legs. Also when i came out of the shower he was in the living room and i didn't realise and then he tired to take my towel off even though he tried to make it seem like it was a joke, he could see i did not find it funny. At the end of the holiday he demanded he sat next to me in a meal and passionately kissed my arm with tongue and put his hand very far up my thigh. I told my relative how uncomfortable I was around him and he was too friendly and she just told me I was being silly. Is this abuse? I am now 20 and still a virgin and I do think this has affected me as any opportunities that have come to have sex I panic and during uni a boy crashed at mine I said just as friends but he layer in my bed i said I'm going to sleep but he kept touching me and i had to force him off and he wouldn't listen until i got up and walked out. I find it very hard to trust boys as I feel they only want sex and don't like me for me. thank you x
Its not your fault you should have told your parents very clearly i hope you can trust boys again
Anonymous - 24/04/2012
This seems to be a case of a man with pedophilia, and this is wrong. I understand deeply how this must have been a very traumatic experience that has stayed with you for a very long time.
Although it may not have seemed like much to others (the relative you told), this is still clasified as rape. Carressing someone who doesn't want to be touched is clasified as rape. No, it is not silly, he was maikng you feel uncomfortable. Furthermore, the fact that he was 45 must have made it more uncomfortable an is a paedo. Not only is it rape, but wrong as you ar only a minor.
I hope you don't get too worried about it but it was right for you to let it out. I hope that you build up confidence and realise that there are some men who want to have sex with you because they love you for who you are.
I was with someone I thought I trusted and would never hurt me but he did the most horrible thing that no one should go through, I sometimes have nightmares about that day but I'm so lucky I have my friends and family that supported me through that traumatic experience. Sadly some people that went through what I did suffer in silence, have no support what so ever and doesn't tell anyone. If anyone has been through any sort of experience like that speak up you are not alone.
I've been friends with a guy from work for around 5 years now. 3 years ago he told me he liked me and that he'd like it if we could be more than friends. I told him that i was just out of a relationship and couldn't face having a boyfriend and that I didn't see him that way. He helped my through a lot of hard times and he meant the world to me as a friend, lovely lovely guy, trusted him with my life at the time. Although the more we started seeing eachother and talking the stronger his feelings became! When I eventually got a new boyfriend a year ago he became angry and obsessive, saying that i never "gave him a chance" that I was "being unfair". He often texted me constant abusive messages sometimes receiving one every 30 seconds even if I didn't reply. We eventually stopped talking because I got fed up with the stress he caused and my friends worried about the situation. He started telling me that he felt suicidal and that it was my fault and had been diagnosed as an alcoholic so I started talking to him again. In my head I decided it was better to tolerate him than live the rest of my life knowing that I'd caused someone to kill themself. I felt so bad that I broke up with my boyfriend with the fear of him doing something stupid. Then last October I was in my house sleeping at about 1am when someone knocked the door, it was my "friend". He'd texted me saying that he was at a halloween party and that he was going to come visit. I'd said I'd be angry but I could hardly stop him. I let him in and moaned about it for a bit before going back upstairs to sit in bed. At this point i had no reason to think that he would do anything but I do look back and think that if i hadn't maybe the following events wouldn't have happened! I trusted him, his mum had been sexually assaulted so I knew how strongly he felt about it. But before i knew it he was in my bed touching me. I kept pushing his hands away and saying "I'm serious, stop it" He kept trying to kiss me and eventually had my pants off. This is the point that I started to freak out and started crying before he had sex with me (unprotected). I cant even describe how i was feeling as it happened, i think i froze in time. I have no idea how long it lasted or how i managed to get him to stop. I just remember crying and saying "please don't". Then he left. The next day was a blur. I told my best friend about it (he knew something was up when he came to see me) and i felt really tearful all day. I never ever use the word rape though because I dont want to believe that thats what it is. I feel like it was my fault and that noone would believe me if I told them because I've been trying to act normal ever since, even though i think about it every day. I've told my best friend, my ex boyfriend and 2 girls that I live with. Noone mentions it though, I dont think theyre sure how to approach the situation, but it just makes me think that they think I'm lying. I also blame myself for what happened to an extent. This is my first step in getting help. Its nice to know there are people out there who understand- id just like to know is it wrong that I'm still worried about him after all this? Ive been acting normal around him ever since for the fear that ill say something that will push him over the edge. I feel like my head is going to explode!
Im not saying tell everyone but the more you talk the easier it will get even if that means just talking to a pet it makes it easier and it wont be that scary anymore!
Anonymous - 24/04/2012
Thank you for your post, I'm sorry to hear about what happend to you.
Please don't blame yourself for what happened, it is not your fault and there was nothing you could have done it to prevent it. The fault is always with the abusers and the person who rapes and not with the victim. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.
From your post I can see that you have spoken to your friends about it, but as you feel they are not taking your concerns seriously, I think it might help you to talk to someone in confidence. They will be able to offer you personal advice and talk through your options.
You can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) or have a look at Help pages on this website. It lists organisations which might be able to help you.
This is rape and you shouldn't stand for it you should try to tell someone your close to or something like that.Your's has alot of meaning and alot of detail which proves that this is real.No offence to everyone else but they havn't put so much detail and meaning into it like you i think what you had done to you was disgusting however when you said thats you cant hug another boy because of it tell the boy that and if he really cares he will understand you hope this means alot i had a long time writing this all the best Kiron :)
i think that this is correct guys these days Single or guys who are in a relationship mainly expect sex, and just want to get into the womans knickers so they can brag to their mates whos had sex with who and how many time , (its like an award to them) i think its wrong. if a woman says no or she doesnt want to, it means NO .(FULL STOP)
Hi Rose, I can definitely tell you that not all guys are like that. I was in an abusive relationship but I got out with the help of my mum. I'm now married to an amazing guy. We are equal partners in every area of our relationship and we both accept "no" without question. I can really trust him.
I hope that you can meet some guys who can show you what it means to be a really decent man. We need to be careful not to judge all guys by the behaviour of some! Most are decent blokes but hopefully this campaign will help people to see abusive guys for who they really are!
Rachel - 21/05/2012
I don't agree, there are guys who don't expect sex or anything, so i don't it's fair to generalise the whole male population with the same brush!
Not all guys "just want to get into the womans knickers so they can brag to their mates whos had sex with who", which is again unfair to the male population.
Of course a lot of the videos shown show young girls as the victims of the crime, but let's not forget that there are young boys/men who are also victims of the same crime!
If ANYONE, male OR female say no, that they don't want to, it means no, FULL STOP!
I think that the jail sentence for whoever commits the crime should be equal if not more than someone who commits murder, because the low lifes who commit these crimes should not be able to get away so easy!
Anonymous - 26/04/2012
Me and my boyfriend dont have sex at all we have been together for 3 years.. the world were living in is so sex obsessed boys in our day and age are pressured to watch porn and i think that is why so many guys put it on with other girls they think that having sex makes them a guy .. Too all the girls who think all boys are like this dont lose hope your standards matter WAIT FOR A GUY WHO TREATS YOU LIKE A PRINCESS! My boyfriend has never pressured me into anything and we are waiting until we get married were making a new stand for purity that sex isnt everything that a relationship should be built on a friendship and romance not sex ...
i dont know if this is sexual assault, but when i was 14, my boyfriend who was also 14, began kissing me and feeling me down there ontop of jeans. then ontop of my underwear..which i was kind of fine with. then he started begging me to let him actually finger me, and i REALLY didnt want to, i kept saying no, but he kept begging and asking why not, and eventually i couldnt keep saying no and gave up. then he fingered me and it hurt and i just took the pain. it was absolutely traumatic, and still affects me to this day (im now 18) because i never planned on having sexual activity before marriage. i do love him and he cares for me a lot. but was this assault?
Hi Anonymous, there are many ways of saying no. Verbally and by your body language. Part of being in a loving relationship involves reading the other person and making sure they are comfortable with what you're doing. This is the same for all areas of a relationship including sex. No one has the right to touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable and fingering someone who doesn't want to be touched like that is sexual assault. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Maybe you can talk it through with someone you can trust?
Rachel - 21/05/2012
well you allowed him so no it isnt
katie - 14/05/2012
yes my dear
Anonymous - 23/04/2012
I had an ex that made me feel really guilty when i didn't want to have sex with him, sometimes he's even get really angry with me when i said no. So sometimes I'd end up doing it just to keep him to keep him happy,i was also on the pill but wanted to come off because of the side effects, and asked if we could use condoms instead for a while until i found a contraception that suited me and he said that if he had to use condoms he wouldn't have sex with me. We have broken up now but was this abuse because I'm not sure?
Rape is a really touchy subject for me and after my experience, just hearing the word makes me cringe and the memories all come back. I was staying at my cousins house as we'd gotten closer over the year or so that we'd gotten back in touch, and her boyfriend suggested she and I have a couple of drinks and he wouldn't so he could look after their children. I didn't see anything bad about this choice and as I'm a typical 16 year old, I jumped at the chance to have a drink. Towards the end of the 'night' I was so drunk I was virtually crawling on the floor because I was so drunk, and my cousin went upstairs to be sick. 'He' went upstairs to put her to bed and then came back downstairs. I was laying on the sofa watching tv (I was wearing appropriate clothes btw so nothing suggestive!) and he started rubbing my lady parts which made me uncomfortable. I pushed his hand away but he kept doing it. Then he pulled my leggings and underwear down, sat on top of me, restrained my arms and ruined my life. I was slow at understanding what was happening and my head kept spinning, but when I realised I said 'No' constantly and was crying... The next morning I went back home and he tried to kiss me which made me feel utterly sick! It's completely ruined me; I don't go out apart from school and when I do I'm jumpy, I squirm when people come near me and I'm constantly looking behind me. I've never been confident but this completely shattered my confidence and I feel so worthless and used. So basically, rape is a horrible thing and ruins lives! I will never forget the moment I opened my eyes and saw him on top of me. I see it every time I close my eyes.
welll a few months ago i had a boyfriend we where upstears and i was laying down
he got on top off me i said what are you doing he tied me up to the bed i couldent move but i was naked and he said i love you and i said stop but he rhaped me
back in the summer I was in a relationship with a 17 year old, I was only 15. We'd talked about sex and I said I wanted to over message. However I wanted my first time to be special and protected. This didn't happen. He took me to a carpark and went to undress me, I said no as I wasn't ready and he didn't have a condom, however he played the guilty card on me. I hated every minute of it but couldn't stop him as I was scared of him. I'm unsure whether this would be rape as I agreed before hand?
Thanks for your post and I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Also the law says that to consent to sex a person must be over 16 and have the ability to make informed decisions for themselves.
What happened was not your fault and even if you gave consent at the beginning you have the right to wirthdraw it at any point.
If you think it will help try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge)
I think these advertisements are a brilliant way to get the message across, absolutely brilliant