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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Zoe's story

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

what do you think? share your opinions

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An expert from Young People’s Services – AVA – is reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 285 - 300 of 541

  • h2332h

    22/04/2012

    Me and my boyfriend dont have sex at all we have been together for 3 years.. the world were living in is so sex obsessed boys in our day and age are pressured to watch porn and i think that is why so many guys put it on with other girls they think that having sex makes them a guy .. Too all the girls who think all boys are like this dont lose hope your standards matter WAIT FOR A GUY WHO TREATS YOU LIKE A PRINCESS! My boyfriend has never pressured me into anything and we are waiting until we get married were making a new stand for purity that sex isnt everything that a relationship should be built on a friendship and romance not sex ...

    Reply

    h2332h - 22/04/2012

  • Anonymous

    22/04/2012

    i dont know if this is sexual assault, but when i was 14, my boyfriend who was also 14, began kissing me and feeling me down there ontop of jeans. then ontop of my underwear..which i was kind of fine with. then he started begging me to let him actually finger me, and i REALLY didnt want to, i kept saying no, but he kept begging and asking why not, and eventually i couldnt keep saying no and gave up. then he fingered me and it hurt and i just took the pain. it was absolutely traumatic, and still affects me to this day (im now 18) because i never planned on having sexual activity before marriage. i do love him and he cares for me a lot. but was this assault?

    Reply

    Anonymous - 22/04/2012

    • Hi Anonymous, there are many ways of saying no. Verbally and by your body language. Part of being in a loving relationship involves reading the other person and making sure they are comfortable with what you're doing. This is the same for all areas of a relationship including sex. No one has the right to touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable and fingering someone who doesn't want to be touched like that is sexual assault. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Maybe you can talk it through with someone you can trust?

      Rachel - 21/05/2012

    • well you allowed him so no it isnt

      katie - 14/05/2012

    • yes my dear

      Anonymous - 23/04/2012

  • girl.

    22/04/2012

    I had an ex that made me feel really guilty when i didn't want to have sex with him, sometimes he's even get really angry with me when i said no. So sometimes I'd end up doing it just to keep him to keep him happy,i was also on the pill but wanted to come off because of the side effects, and asked if we could use condoms instead for a while until i found a contraception that suited me and he said that if he had to use condoms he wouldn't have sex with me. We have broken up now but was this abuse because I'm not sure?

    Reply

    girl. - 22/04/2012

  • Anon

    22/04/2012

    Rape is a really touchy subject for me and after my experience, just hearing the word makes me cringe and the memories all come back. I was staying at my cousins house as we'd gotten closer over the year or so that we'd gotten back in touch, and her boyfriend suggested she and I have a couple of drinks and he wouldn't so he could look after their children. I didn't see anything bad about this choice and as I'm a typical 16 year old, I jumped at the chance to have a drink. Towards the end of the 'night' I was so drunk I was virtually crawling on the floor because I was so drunk, and my cousin went upstairs to be sick. 'He' went upstairs to put her to bed and then came back downstairs. I was laying on the sofa watching tv (I was wearing appropriate clothes btw so nothing suggestive!) and he started rubbing my lady parts which made me uncomfortable. I pushed his hand away but he kept doing it. Then he pulled my leggings and underwear down, sat on top of me, restrained my arms and ruined my life. I was slow at understanding what was happening and my head kept spinning, but when I realised I said 'No' constantly and was crying... The next morning I went back home and he tried to kiss me which made me feel utterly sick! It's completely ruined me; I don't go out apart from school and when I do I'm jumpy, I squirm when people come near me and I'm constantly looking behind me. I've never been confident but this completely shattered my confidence and I feel so worthless and used. So basically, rape is a horrible thing and ruins lives! I will never forget the moment I opened my eyes and saw him on top of me. I see it every time I close my eyes.

    Reply

    Anon - 22/04/2012

  • emily

    21/04/2012

    welll a few months ago i had a boyfriend we where upstears and i was laying down
    he got on top off me i said what are you doing he tied me up to the bed i couldent move but i was naked and he said i love you and i said stop but he rhaped me

    Reply

    emily - 21/04/2012

  • AJ

    21/04/2012

    back in the summer I was in a relationship with a 17 year old, I was only 15. We'd talked about sex and I said I wanted to over message. However I wanted my first time to be special and protected. This didn't happen. He took me to a carpark and went to undress me, I said no as I wasn't ready and he didn't have a condom, however he played the guilty card on me. I hated every minute of it but couldn't stop him as I was scared of him. I'm unsure whether this would be rape as I agreed before hand?

    Reply

    AJ - 21/04/2012

    • Hi AJ

      Thanks for your post and I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Also the law says that to consent to sex a person must be over 16 and have the ability to make informed decisions for themselves.

      What happened was not your fault and even if you gave consent at the beginning you have the right to wirthdraw it at any point.

      If you think it will help try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
      Alternatively you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge)

      This Is Abuse team 23/04/2012

  • sophiejones94@live.co.uk

    21/04/2012

    I think these advertisements are a brilliant way to get the message across, absolutely brilliant

    Reply

    sophiejones94@live.co.uk - 21/04/2012

  • Charlotte

    21/04/2012

    There was a night at uni when there was this guy that i hardly knew and he texted and saud can we go for a walk together. I was lonely so i went with him. He had a few drinks but i had none. He bought me food and was really nice to me. We held hands and i was bit awkward bout it. Then he kissed me and i kissed him back but i wasnt sure i wanted to. We went back to my room and we were just chatting. He asked if he could teach me a song on the guitar, i said i cant play and he said if i can get you to play it will you kiss me again. I really didnt want to but i said yes cos i was really nervous. I played it and kissed him like i promised. But then he pushed me back on the bed and lay on top of me. I tried to push him off and said i didnt want anyone to hear. But he held me down and said "let me stay the night" i said i wasnt sure i wanted to and he kept begging and holding me down and i didnt know what to do so i sort of gave up and sort of said ok. He had sex with me. I walked off to the bathroom and cried and he pulled me back in bed and told me to go to sleep. Is this rape?

    Reply

    Charlotte - 21/04/2012

  • Rei

    20/04/2012

    I got in with a bad crowd a year ago, in a small space of time a lot happened to me. I was violently raped, developed anorexia and lost a friend to an overdose of ecstasy. I just want to let anyone suffering from a recent rape or abuse know that things can get better. Even when you are at that point of sitting in bed at 3 am begging to be dead or thinking the darkest thoughts imagianable there is hope and people in the same situation. One year on I'm recovering fro my ED and I've found a loving man who is there for me when i have my bad days. Trust me my loves, things will get brighter in time.

    Reply

    Rei - 20/04/2012

  • Nick

    20/04/2012

    Most people think that the boy is usually the one that forces it upon the girl, but that's wrong. I have a girlfriend, she's now 14 while I'm 16. I've always been kindda skinny and she was a lot stronger than me. When we first started dating I didn't want to kiss her because I was too shy, so she'd push me down and hold my arms so that I couldn't fight it. That was about a year ago. Recently though, she told me that she really wanted sex but I kept telling her that it was illegal and that we could have it in a few years time when she was legal, but she wouldn't have it. She tried to kiss me but I pulled back. So she pushed me down and undid my trousers. We ended up doing sex. I didn't want to pull out because I was afraid that I'd hurt her. I'm scared that even though I didn't want it, I could still get charged with rape if anyone found out because she's younger than me. Is this rape? If so, who raped who and can I get in trouble for this? And one more thing, I know this isn't really a dating advise site but what should I do?

    Reply

    Nick - 20/04/2012

    • it sounds like you were the one that got raped as it happened to me when i was 11 and at school i am now 12 it also sound like you only wanted to make her happy and if you go to school ask your science teacher or form tutor what they think i know that tthat will really help as the person that raped me was sent to jail for a long ime after court triles and things also talk to your parants i myself didnt tell them and i now relise what a mistake i made hope this helps x (sorry for the spelling im 12 and not a good speller )

      Daisy - 23/04/2012

  • Anonymous

    19/04/2012

    im not sure what this is , but i had a boyfriend not too long ago , we'd been seing eachother for a while,he came round to my house this one time and we were in my bedroom. we stared kissing and then he pushed me onto the bed , i sort of laughed as i didnt know what else to do.He then started kissing me ,which i was fine with but then he tried to finger me .I said i didnt want to and but he kept asking me why.he told me not to worry and kept saying please all the time .i tired to push him off me but he held my hands down as i was tiring to push him off me.All the time i was saying no but he kept on.I was sort of in shock i suppose so ,i couldnt belive what was happening so i just layed there. ill always remember it.Is this rape :/

    Reply

    Anonymous - 19/04/2012

    • Hi Anonymous

      Thanks for your post. I am sorry for what happened to you, it must have been very distressing.

      From your post I am unclear whether your boyfriend had sex with you or not. It sound like what happened to you was sexual assault as rape needs to involve penetration.

      However, that does not mean it is any less upsetting for you. Forcing someone to do things sexually that they do not want to do is assault and it is a crime.

      If you feel that talking about it might help, try finding someone you can trust and feel comfortable with. It could be anyone, a friend, teacher. It doesn't have to be anyone in authority. If rather speak to someone in confidence, you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      This Is Abuse team 20/04/2012

  • Annamous

    19/04/2012

    i think its terrible that some people get abused and raped, i feel sorry for anyone that has and i offer my condonenses to people that have. when i was 10 i was nearly raped, but i was lucky to get away. it is a horrible feeling, being abused or pressured and to people that do it, stop now! x

    Reply

    Annamous - 19/04/2012

  • Anon

    19/04/2012

    Compared with everyone here who has left these comments about these awful things that have happened to them, my story seems a bit pathetic. Im 16, I think I was in an abusive relationship but I'm not sure. My last boyfriend was a bit older than me. I loved him so much and I thought he loved me too. When we had sex he was always very rough with me, even if i told him to stop he wouldn't. But somehow I convinced myself this kind of sex was normal and he managed to convince me that I liked it. Looking back on the things we did now makes me feel sick. He would tie me up, yank my head back by my hair, bite me, push me against walls, pin me down sometimes he would hit me. He was much bigger than me. One day he wanted us to do anal, I said no to this, but he told me to "just try it" so we did. I couldn't stop crying and shaking afterwards. He held me for a bit to check i was okay but, straight after he was trying to get intimate again. He left me a few months ago but now I can't have any man touch me or hug me. I have vivid nightmares and whenever i think about him i get so worked up i throw up. How can I trust people again? Thanks

    Reply

    Anon - 19/04/2012

    • Hello Anon
      Your story is not pathetic in the slightest , from what I can tell you come over as such a brave person. You shouldn't be ashamed of your self. You thought it was love and you made a mistake which everybody as done. Im not a specailist or anything like that but I think you should talk to somebody about how your feeling and your insecurities about being in a relationship again. There is always going to be somebody out there who will listen.

      Anonymous - 22/04/2012

    • Hi Anon,

      What happened to you isn't pathetic, it is horrendous. And it is rape. If you do not want it, if you do not consent, then it is NOT OK.

      I'm so so sorry for what you and everyone else sharing their stories on this page has had to go through. I'm not a counsellor or anything like that, just a guy who cannot believe what some people will do to those that they supposedly love. No-one should have to go through this sort of thing. You're very brave for sharing your story. And you're not alone, there are people out there who you can talk to.

      Anonymous - 20/04/2012

  • Anonymous

    19/04/2012

    Me and my boyfriend split up after 8 and a half months and we were very sexually active, he got me pregnant twice but both times lost the baby because i dont eat properly. The break up was awful and he said things that really hurt me and stuff, anyway during our relationship there would be times which he'd want to have sex with me but i didnt, i told him no but he didnt stop and afterwards he felt bad and cried but he kept doing it. I thought me saying no to him would have stopped him but obviously not. I dont really know whether this is rape or not but i think it is. I didnt stop him but i didnt want him to have sex with me either. He just did it anyway. I dont want him to get into trouble but could he?

    Reply

    Anonymous - 19/04/2012

    • Hi Anonymous

      Thanks for your post and I'm sorry to read about what happened to you.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. You musn't blame yourself as this was not your fault. Just because you gave consent one day it doesn't mean you are giving consent indefinately. Permission is required for each activity. Also consent to one sort of sexual activity does not mean you are getting consent to everything. Remember that you can withdraw consent at any time, if you change your mind it is your right to do so.

      It might help you to talk to someone about it in confidence. You can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
      Alternatively you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge)

      This Is Abuse team 19/04/2012

  • Cat

    18/04/2012

    again, I'm just trying to understand where the line for rape is? when I was sixteen and in a long term relationship with the first boy I ever slept with he pressured me into sex. Although we'd done it before, I wasn't in the mood and said no he continued to take my clothes off and have sex withg me which was very painful. I cried during but I don't think he noticed then when he was finished I curled up in a ball and didn't want to talk to him for a while obviously! I stayed with him for a few months after and really forgot about the whole month ago, am I overreacting since I wasn't physically forced and did stay with him? Thinking about it makes me feel sick and have flashbacks so I tend not to, help?

    Reply

    Cat - 18/04/2012

    • Hi Cat

      Thank you for posting and I'm sorry you are having a tough time.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. If that is what happened to you it might help to talk to someone about it. I'll give you some phone numbers of charities that help in these situations at the end.

      From your post I am unsure whether you gave consent to have sex with your boyfriend. The law in Britain says that both people need to give their consent before sex or any physical closeness.

      However it is a myth that you must clearly say NO otherwise it is not rape. Someone doesn't have to say the word NO to withhold permission. There are lots of ways they might say they don't want to have sex. Many people find it hard to say anything, and will show through their body language that they don't want to. Both people having sex should always look out for signs that their partner might not be comfortable and might not be giving their consent.

      If this has happened to you and you wish to talk to someone you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
      Alternatively you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge)

      This Is Abuse team 19/04/2012

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