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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Zoe's story

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

what do you think? share your opinions

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Results: 210 - 225 of 539

  • Dee

    05/12/2012

    Hi, really great ad and campaign, but maybe a warning that it can be very triggering? Just for people watching it for the first time? Well done though x

    Reply

    Dee - 05/12/2012

  • Samzo

    05/12/2012

    My boyfriend is ALWAYS talking about sex and rude stuff with his mates (one of them have had sex before), but when he's with me he's sweet and kind, Im scared hes going 2 have sex with me! what should i do???

    Reply

    Samzo - 05/12/2012

    • Hi Samzo,

      Thanks for getting in touch.

      Going by what you have told us, despite his crude remarks to friends, it appears your boyfriend is currently respectful of your physical boundaries. This is a good sign of a mature relationship, based on a mutual respect. However, it is natural to have concerns about the future, given the conversations you describe overhearing.

      Lots of teenagers feel just like you, pressured to lose their virginity as soon as possible, but it is a common myth that “everyone is doing it”. In fact, the average age for having sex for the first time is 16, the legal age, and many people prefer to wait until they’re older. Even if you’ve had sex before, it doesn’t mean you have to rush into doing it with your current boyfriend. If he cares for you he will understand why you want to wait.

      Please remember, you always have the right to withhold consent.

      Sexual relationships also come with consequences; risks like unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. If either of you is younger than 16, it's against the law for you to have sex. You may find it helps just to find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you feel comfortable with. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Tempero Moderation 05/12/2012

  • sammy

    04/12/2012

    hi im 16 and me and my boyfriend had sex when i didnt want to he undressed me and stared hitting me i didnt know what to do and i dont want to break up with him help?

    Reply

    sammy - 04/12/2012

    • Hi Sammy,

      Thank you for posting.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      Tempero Moderation 04/12/2012

  • F

    04/12/2012

    Me and my girlfriend are in a stable relationship but i feel like a bit of an idiot at times, she has said she isnt ready for anything yet and i said im fine with this but sometimes i just have the urge to do something and i cant really control it at times and if im honest i feel like im going to cause a massive problem like forcing her which i really dont want to do and i really dont want to hurt her. and as i have anger issues i feel that it could tie into it too. What should i do?

    Reply

    F - 04/12/2012

    • Hi F

      Thanks for getting in touch.

      It takes courage to realise the path you're on currently with your girlfriend and admit that your behaviour is wrong and unacceptable. Using violence to control your partner is turning you into someone you don’t want to be and will have long-term effects on your partner’s physical and mental health.

      Being violent can also wreck your prospects. It can lead to a loss of respect from your mates, loneliness and trouble at school or work. To manage your anger safely in the short term, you’ll need to recognise the physical signs of when you get angry.

      These signs can be:

      • your heart beats faster
      • you breathe more quickly
      • you get tense in your shoulders
      • you start to clench your fists

      Once you notice any of these signs and feel you are likely to lose control, try to walk away. If you can’t, try calming down by taking a few deep breaths and relaxing as you breathe out. Managing your anger in the long term can be done through:

      • exercise
      • getting enough sleep
      • avoiding drugs and alcohol
      • doing something positive like sport to act as a release
      • talking to family or friends about your feelings

      Anger is never an excuse for being abusive towards someone.

      The good news is that you can change, as long as you really want to, and you don't have to bear your frustrations alone. You can contact Respect for advice on how to stop your behaviour from developing into something devastating to you and your partner, and the lives of those around you: www.respect.uk.net

      If you want to talk to someone in confidence call the Respect phoneline: 0808 802 4040

      Best of luck.

      Tempero Moderation 06/12/2012

    • As no-one else has answered you I thought I would.

      If you feel as if you may hurt your girlfriend then you should seek help immediately. Phone a helpline (as mentioned in other posts here), go to a GP, Rape Crisis, try anywhere you can think of - look online, local places etc. Ask your doctor or someone to help you find somewhere to talk through your anger issues. If you don't address this now, and you do rape/assault your girlfriend you will ruin her life and your own. Please - the fact that you are troubled by this means you are a decent human being because you are prepared to confront this in yourself. Most people have bad aspects of their personality, caused by childhood experiences/bad luck etc. But the difference between a rapist and a troubled man is being aware of what you're capable of, and doing your utmost to change yourself. You don't need to follow these urges, and you can control these aspects of your personality.
      It's brave of you to admit it, and I hope you're able to find someone to help retrain yourself emotionally.

      tati - 06/12/2012

  • Jess

    04/12/2012

    A boy I went out with was the same age as me (year 9 we were 14) and we went to this big party with drinking and dancing etc etc proper teenage party, and we went upstairs to talk because we couldn't because of the loud music and he started kissing me and gave me loads of purple love bites down my body till it got to my, YOU KNOW! and he pushed me onto the bed and i told him to stop and he said "shut up or i'll tell everyone you're frigid" and i tried to get away, i shouted, cried, and screamed but he didnt listen!

    i feel so stupid for going with him... i got pregnant and he made his friends video it so he could watch it in the future but luckily i got abortion and now im going out with a guy who's actually worth it thankfully and he has a new victim!

    im so happy now but what should i do in any situation if anything like this happens again?

    Reply

    Jess - 04/12/2012

    • Hi Jess,

      We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.

      Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      You can also call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 05/12/2012

  • kik**

    04/12/2012

    when i was around 8 i used to go over my best friends house and we used to play around and joke with eachother, but then it got to one point where he started touching me and i thought it was for a joke so i told him no and to stop but he carried on and would start pushing his trousers down, i didnt know what to do other then tell him to stop when he told me to be quite and that it wouldnt hurt. i quickly run back to my house and i felt upset thinking that its my fault because i felt like i was in the wrong not him. this carried on for 3 to 4 years, he said if i ever say anything to anyone he'll say i forced him. but i have told two close friends that i trust and they have supported me through it. im now 17 and in a relationship but find it hard to trust boys or men anymore... i dont know if i was in the wrong or if its both their faults?

    Reply

    kik** - 04/12/2012

    • Hi kik**,

      Thank you for posting your experiences.

      A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around. Just because the abuse went on for a long time, does not mean you were complicit in this.

      Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

      Tempero Moderation 04/12/2012

  • Anon

    04/12/2012

    Personally, i think teenagers have to help themselves, too. I know that this is very tragic, and it's a real shame that this happens, but a lot of young people knowingly put themselves in a risky situation.

    I am a 15 year old girl, and i find it very sickening when girls my age are already having sex, drinking every weekend with their friends, and just acting promiscuous 24/7. I have never had a single drink of alcohol in my life, and i NEVER intend on doing so.

    Nor have i ever been in a relationship with anybody, or had a sexual encounter. Alcohol has very badly ruined one side of my family, and i hate it when teenagers think it is clever and acceptable to drink until they cannot take account for their actions. Why does alcohol have to be involved if you want to have a good time?

    Surely there are other things to do, like go out to a sporting club, or going to listen to music concerts etc. Does anybody agree with what i am trying to say? Because i am starting to feel as if i am the only person my age who thinks and acts this way. I would really appreciate your views on this.

    Reply

    Anon - 04/12/2012

    • I see what you're saying, and I think a lot of people feel that way. Being drunk definitely makes you more vulnerable to being raped (in fact, having sex with someone who is drunk is rape as they are not able to give their consent). Personally, I feel that this is a very subtle form of blaming the victim, i.e. if they hadn't been drunk, they wouldn't have been raped. Shouldn't we live in a world where people don't have to modify their behaviour to avoid rape? We shouldn't treat rape as a natural threat that will never be eliminated. I'm much like you in that I dislike alcohol, and find drunk people annoying, but I recognise that some people enjoy getting drunk and that they should be able to do this without the fear of being raped.

      Callan - 05/12/2012

    • Yes!! I do completely agree with you about drinking, I am 16 and so far have never had a alcoholic drink, all my friends do but I just don't see the point. So don't worry your not the only one.

      Ella - 05/12/2012

  • Lauren

    04/12/2012

    My boyfriend is 19 and i am 13, i know this is a big age gap but i trust him and he hasnt tried to hurt me in any way however he has said that he wants to be intimate, and although i want to do things with him im just nervous about taking my clothes off and obviously the pain, he has said that he doesnt want to force me into anything and i dont have to do anything if i dont want to.

    But on our first kiss he did do tongues with me which i wasnt expecting, i dont want to break up with him as i love him LOADS but im scared that if i dont do something he will leave me and find someone closer his own age, also he has been ignoring my messages this week (this has happened before) - is he cheating on me? what should i do?

    Help please xxx

    Reply

    Lauren - 04/12/2012

    • Hi Lauren

      We're glad you got in touch. Although you say you trust your boyfriend, and that he would not harm you, your description of his behaviour & the age gap between you, are warning signs of abuse. What he is suggesting is illegal and wrong.

      It is also never OK to make someone feel bad if they don't want to have sex, as this is a form of emotional abuse. Ignoring your messages is a form of control, of playing on your feelings.

      It can be very hard to leave an abusive relationship - no matter what kind. There are many reasons why people don't feel they can leave. Fear is a huge one, also uncertainty about what to do/who can help. Some people may not realise that they are being abused and not even be looking for help. A big factor in not leaving can simply be love.

      Love is such a powerful emotion it can over rule anything else. If you are still in contact with this person, i would urge you to think about ending the relationship safely.

      It’s important to be aware of what abuse looks like. The Spot the Signs page includes behaviours that may mean you’re in an abusive relationship: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Tempero Moderation 04/12/2012

  • ismail

    04/12/2012

    This is not really good

    Reply

    ismail - 04/12/2012

  • Chloe

    03/12/2012

    I'd been going out with this guy called Alex for a year and half and i finally broke it off. He was too clingy, got upset and annoyed if i went out with my mates or if i didn't see him everyday. This break up was right smack bang in the middle of exams and his constant nagging and need actually made me miserable; I couldn't go out with other guys or even have a sleepover with my best friend without him constantly texting and ringing me. Anyway, the day before he (i hate saying it) raped me we went on a school trip and I became ill due to the poor weather so he gave me his coat (He followed me the whole time, every ride he was there, every stop he was there following me). He came over the next day to get his jacket unannounced and i was still in bed. He asked me for sex and i said no, but he did it anyway.. I find it really hard to talk about so i'm sorry if its hard to understand when reading. I confronted him about it and he simply said "I didn't know" and "I didn't hear you". The worst thing was, he left after, he left me crying and i thought he cared. I had marks on my inner legs for weeks, i didnt even want to undress for the beach with my best friend. I am scared of this 'boy' still but thankfully he has nothing to do with me, He's in my A-level lessons and is about to drop out and head for college (i'll be gald to see the back of him). Only a few people know of this and they have all been very supportive. I hope one day i will have the courage to speak to my parents about this but right now i want to forget.

    Reply

    Chloe - 03/12/2012

    • Hi Chloe

      We are sorry to hear about what has happened to you. It is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      It's good that you've found the courage to speak to some people about this.

      If you want any further support you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can emaill, text, or chat to a counsellor online.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. They can offering counselling and practical support whether this is an incident that has just happened or from the past.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      This Is Abuse team 03/12/2012

  • G

    03/12/2012

    This summer, I got with a guy whom I had known for a year. We were in a proper relationship, although I think it got more serious than it should have (I was only 17 and about to go to uni). I really thought I loved him, and he was really REALLY in love with me, so we ended up having sex, but I only did it because he kept asking me to. I didn't want to because 1) I was still a virgin and 2) I was just about to leave for uni so I didn't think that taking it that far was a good idea. Also, I might be a little old fashioned and I just wanted to have sex with just one person in my life. I haven't told my mum because she has certain expectations of me, although I think she would be very supportive. When he was done, he asked me "What's wrong? Did you not want to have sex?" and I didn't tell him that I didn't want to because I didn't want to upset him, although it was obvious by the way I was acting.
    It just annoys me and makes me feel stupid that I let him do it. I think it's rape because despite the fact that it was physically pleasurable, there were little emotions (I simply wasn't ready for it) so it just felt wrong. Although in my head I justified myself by saying that we were in a relationship so it was ok.

    I am in uni and he is now my ex and I have completely cut off all contact with him. I ignore all his calls and trash his letters. However, I still find it hard to forget what happened and I would find it hard to enjoy myself with another guy because I would just always think back to that day.

    Reply

    G - 03/12/2012

    • Hi G

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.

      If this has happened to you, even if it was some months ago, try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      If you want specialist support, you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information. Rape Crisis can offer counselling and practical support to help you with what has happened to you.


      This Is Abuse team 03/12/2012

  • Rowena

    03/12/2012

    Earlier this year, I was sexually assaulted by my partner, through digital penetration. He has now been charged with sexual assault and will be going to court in December. I did not think that anyone believe me as we were in a sexual relationship and there were no witnesses or forensic evidence. But I have been supported and have got the help I need.

    I still don't know if he will be found guilty or get to trial, but to be believed by the police was very important to me.

    Reply

    Rowena - 03/12/2012

  • michelle

    01/12/2012

    Hi
    I am writing as I am really confused.
    When I was 12 I meet my step brother I really fancied him but at this age I was too young to know about anything else, however he was 2 years older than me and had other tings on his mind. Eventually at the age of 12 he had intercourse with me that I did not consent to.
    At the time I was confused wheter or not this was right or wrong as I liked him however now at the age of 34 he still demands sex from me and takes it when evr he can.
    I am so scared as sometimes I want to have sex with him but the majority of the time I do not. and he still does it anyway. Can you like someone who rapes you?
    I have had many relationships and can't seem to stay faithful as I always feel my slef esteem is low and if I am not getting the attention then the person does not like me, could this be because of what I am going through.
    Please help...

    Reply

    michelle - 01/12/2012

    • Hi Michelle

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. This is not your fault and you deserve to be safe and supported.

      For help and support you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      If you're scared and feel that you're in danger, call the police on 999. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.

      This Is Abuse team - 03/12/2012

  • 28/11/2012

    Chloe
    I was at a houseparty when I was 15 and this incident happened. Everyone had fallen asleep and I was dragged into a seperate room. I left it a long time to tell anyone what had happened but before I had the chance the boy had told everyone that I forced him to have intercourse with me. I fell out with my best friend horribly as she did not believe what I told her. People, especially teenagers need to be more open minded when this topic is discussed... my best friend was the only person in the world who I wanted to tell, yet she called me a liar.
    We have since rekindled our friendship but never talk about what happened for fear of being called a liar again.
    I believe that have overcome the situation, but wanted to inform everyone currently reading this post that has been through similar situations as me that you do get through it! AND definitely do not be afraid to speak with your parents about it - although it is uncomfortable, in the long run is pays off. I told my folks 4 years after, right before I came to uni and they have been incredibly supportive of me.

    Reply

    28/11/2012

    • Thanks for posting. We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      I'm glad that you eventually were able to tell your parents about what happened to you, it's important to find someone you trust to talk to. If you still feel you want advice and support you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      We appreciate the bravery you have shown in talking about your experiences and the sound advice you are giving to others to do the same.

      Thanks

      The This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 02/12/2012

  • 15/10/2012

    CJ
    Excuse me if this is very long. I started going out with my boyfriend when I was 19, for 2 years we were happy. Then one night he raped me. I confronted him over it (not labelling it rape) and he said he thought it was ok because we were in a relationship. Anyway it happened again and a few months later we split. I was away at uni at the time, but when I came back we bumped into each other. Long story short we got back together, and a week after we made it official he raped me again. I went back to Bath and broke it off straight away but was confused because I still felt I loved him. For months and months we had no contact but then I went back home and we bumped into each other yet again. We met up and ended up kissing and talking about maybe one day getting back together again (I know this is stupid, but when I'm with him I just can't believe he did what he did), upon the condition he gets therapy. Anyway we arranged to hang out again, that week but he took 2 weeks to call in which time I just gave up and thought well he's not bothered then. In the meantime I ended up getting closer to a friend, who I know likes me. The ex has called me since but I have been ignoring him. I feel so guilty for ignoring him but I don't have the energy for it anymore. I feel guilty for liking someone else as well, I know if the ex knew he would be angry and upset. Should I tell my ex that I'm seeing somebody else? Should I explain why I don't want contact? Am I guilty of messing him around? I feel like such a bad person. Last time I asked him if we could break contact he got angry with me and made me feel that everything was my fault. I'm back at home now and we live in a small town so the chances of seeing him about are high, it scares the hell out of me.

    Reply

    15/10/2012

    • You should report him and say "Look i have moved on! And it's about time you did so yourself!!!" Put the phone down. Respect yourself and don't be frightened everywhere you go xxx ~:)

      LuckyLuLu - 02/12/2012

    • Dear CJ
      We are sorry to hear about your experiences. We think it is important that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this and you should never blame yourself for any of this.
      Please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      This Is Abuse team 19/10/2012

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Results: 210 - 225 of 539

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