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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

Zoe's story

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • If you could see yourself
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

what do you think? share your opinions

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Experts from Young People’s Services of Respect and AVA are reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 120 - 135 of 538

  • Anonymous

    15/01/2013

    I find it terrible how all the adverts are from a girls point of view and none are of guys being "raped"? im a victim of it myself? i was slightly drunk at a party and one of my drinks was spiked i then because paraletic and had little or no control over my limbs,this girl then took me into a room to help me and gave me a drink which i later found out had viagra in it.She forced herself on me. She removed all my clothes and began to touch me,as soon as i had an erection she raped me.I began to self harm and slumped into depression after the incident and find it disgusting how men are always seen as the guilty party.

    Reply

    Anonymous - 15/01/2013

    • Hi Anonymous,

      Thanks for your feedback. We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse.

      We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      To help deal with your self-harm and depression, you should find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. There are people who understand, and who can help you to stop hurting yourself.

      Alternatively you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Tempero Moderation 16/01/2013

  • nawel

    14/01/2013

    is really sad x

    Reply

    nawel - 14/01/2013

  • Raven

    13/01/2013

    Hi. I wanted to stop by and ask a question about something that happened to me when I was younger.

    Between the ages of 8-12, I had a best friend and we were always together. I'd go round hers, she'd come round mine, you get the idea.
    When I was about 9 - 10, she was sleeping round my house for the night. We shared a bed since there was nowhere else to sleep and being that young, things like that didn't matter. We stayed up and talked and laughed as children do, then the next thing I know she was kissing me. It was really weird and I felt really confused, but she told me it was a grown-up game (we were both the same age). I thought she was right, you know, it was just a game.

    But it happened several times after that. I stayed round hers and it happened again and it got out of hand. She started rubbing herself against me and told me we were "pretending to have sex" and she kept kissing me.

    I felt really confused and kinda afraid, so I told her how I felt and she insisted it was a grown-ups game and that if I didn't play I'd have to go home.

    As I'm typing this it makes me feel really confused and upset.

    I wondered if this classed as some form of sexual abuse? I told her I didn't want to but every time I saw her I'd have to do something like what I've just described otherwise she "wouldn't be my friend anymore", so she blackmailed me into doing, what I realise now is sexual, stuff with her.

    It makes me feel very sad and lonely whenever I think about it. I've never spoken to anyone about this before until now. I've been through couselling for other problems but up until recently it was as if I'd blocked it out - it all came flooding back to me one day when she emailed me saying we hadn't spoken in years.
    I'm very confused about it all and I guess I'd like to clarify just what happened - was it a form of abuse or harrassment? Particularly because we were both quite young?

    Reply

    Raven - 13/01/2013

    • Hi Raven,

      Thanks for your post.

      To be clear; being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable.

      You can find out more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult

      If you are being put under pressure to have sex or engage in sexual activity when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, it's important you talk to someone about your experiences.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      This Is Abuse team 01/02/2013

  • Abs

    13/01/2013

    Hi everyone, I'm kinda' new at this sort of stuff - but found this whilst on face-book. I' recently broke up with my boyfriend of 18 months. Whom of which, I have a 7 month old child with, (yes i know... bit rushed) but basically, when it came down to the bedroom - he used to blackmail me into sex, or if I said no, made me feel like I HAD to have it with him. In the end I would give in, to shut him up... Is that classed as rape? I do think the tv ads are right, and i'm glad they are being noticed... as unfortunately this happens to a lot of people :(

    Reply

    Abs - 13/01/2013

    • Hi Abs,

      Thank you for your opinions of the site and your enquiry regarding rape.

      To clarify, rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      You can find out more about rape and sexual
      assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult

      Tempero Moderation 13/01/2013

  • maiz

    13/01/2013

    hey urm i was in this position once but he went through with it im glad people put things on the tv and internet it got me through alot thank u this is abuse

    Reply

    maiz - 13/01/2013

  • shaun

    12/01/2013

    i feel so sorry for victims of rape especially young people people my age basically, i have soo much respect for these adverts as they tell people and make awareness to everyone about different things and in this case rape. i hope all they rapists get delt with and punished badly

    Reply

    shaun - 12/01/2013

  • Simon

    12/01/2013

    Hi, while I appreciate what effect you are trying with this campaign, but I have spoken to many, many people who say this is an awful.

    It can cause distress for many previous rape victims and also forces many to sit through the vile advert. I understand what you are trying with this but it isn't fair to show this, especially when shown of television constantly.

    Reply

    Simon - 12/01/2013

    • Thank you for your feedback Simon, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.

      We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.

      Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.

      Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.

      The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.

      We are truly sorry to hear of your distress Simon but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious and traumatic issue.

      Tempero Moderation 13/01/2013

  • Katie

    11/01/2013

    When I was 10 My best friend came into my house and we went up to my room as usual and she laid down on my bed and started undressing she got up and pinned me down on my bed and started undressing me I couldn't move. She started to rape me I was scared. I haven't had any friends in the house since and I am now 11.

    Reply

    Katie - 11/01/2013

    • Hi Katie,

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. In addition, sex with any girl/boy under 16, including oral, is unlawful. It doesn't make any difference if permission (consent) is given or not.

      If you haven’t already done so, try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      We hope this helps.

      Tempero Moderation 14/01/2013

  • kitty

    10/01/2013

    I have never used this site before so its all new to me, but I was mentally sexually abused as a child by my stepfather and even now 40 years down the line, it still haunts me and it has caused me so much pain and resulted me in having mental health issues, and now he is on facebook, he has a very unhealthy appetite for children , young girls and women. I wish I could talk to someone about it, nobody understands me and says to 'forget about it and move on' but it is not that simple......its destroying me and making me ill, I contacted the police and the officer was more than prepared to take the case on and the judge squashed it !! where do I turn to , to put a closure on this?

    Reply

    kitty - 10/01/2013

    • Hi Kitty,

      Thanks for posting on the site. We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. Although our campaign is aimed at 13-18 year olds, there are many specialist support services available for adults.

      You are clearly distressed and worried about repeat behaviour, and we think it's very important to try and find someone else you trust to talk to. It could be a close friend or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      For support and advice you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) or log-on to Women's Aid's Survivors' Message board: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080021§ionTitle=Survivors+Forum.

      For confidential advice, information and support, speak to Victim Support - http://www.victimsupport.org.uk/ or call their Supportline on 0845 30 30 900. If you want to hide your number, simply press 141 before dialing the number. Normal opening hours for the Supportline are: 9am – 9pm Mondays to Fridays, 9am – 7pm weekends and 9am – 5pm bank holidays.

      The Samaritans may also be able to help, take a look at their website at http://www.samaritans.org.uk or email jo@samaritans.co.uk. You can also call them on 08457 909090.

      This Is Abuse team 25/01/2013

  • Kat

    10/01/2013

    I hold much respect for this campaign and whats its for. Ive had younger siblinbgs ask me questions about rape and its made me confident that they understand about rape and how people should respect them and their body.

    For me personally I have trouble watching it having been a rape victim and I either come out of the room or pause the television because of the memories it brings back, though it also brought me here (to the site) and its made a difference to how I feel about my past having read about other peoples situations and stories, its not made things easier but it has allowed me to understand that no matter how bad I think it was for me, there is someone out there that worse off and (my heart go out to them) I should be thankful and strong enough to get past it.

    Reply

    Kat - 10/01/2013

    • Hi Kat,

      Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing and we are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past.

      We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem. Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.

      Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such. The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape. We’re also glad that you came to the site and take some comfort from it.

      We also think it is important that even though you may have been raped some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Take care.

      Tempero Moderation 10/01/2013

  • Anonymous

    08/01/2013

    I think it's a bit stupid there arn't any videos with men being raped,

    i know it dosent happen as often as girls being raped, but i had a friend who's girlfriend forced him to have sex or she'd dump him :

    Reply

    Anonymous - 08/01/2013

    • Hi Anonymous,

      Thanks for your feedback. We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign.

      We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.

      We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.

      Tempero Moderation 08/01/2013

  • tara

    07/01/2013

    i hate rape. coz there was a incident in Delhi. that girl was raped by 6 people and atlast she died

    Reply

    tara - 07/01/2013

  • Darren

    06/01/2013

    Hi,

    After watching the advertisement and reading some of the comments, i feel for any person who has to undergo this.

    I do however have a question because I would like some perspective. Is a man wrong for wanting sex? If men are biologically predisposed to mate with as many partners as possible is it wrong for a man expect more sexual activity?

    I've come to a conclusion that talking about it with your parent helps, but that because men and women are different in sexual activity its difficult for both parties to completely understand the others perspective. I may be completely wrong, but the emphasis on males being sexually active during their teenage hood is very strong.

    So I guess my real question is, are both men and women to blame for the sexual frustration during adolescence?

    Reply

    Darren - 06/01/2013

    • There are no exscuses to rape. Even though boys have considerably more testosterone than girls, they need to learn to control it better. Girls will not be expected to be sexually controlled, by mens and boys drives for sex. 100's of girls are raped every year, and the exscuse the men/boy's give is "She was wearing seductive clothing", would you say the same?

      Melanie - 07/01/2013

  • Ffion

    06/01/2013

    Uhm.. I don't know how to put this.. but a few years ago, well, when I was a kid, say about seven, I had this cousin she must have been around fifteen at the time..

    She used to take me to her room and we'd play, 'Grown ups'.. And she used to make me kiss her with 'grown up tongues' and do stuff with her.. Like, sexual stuff..

    I went along with it because I thought it was just a game, it was just what people did. I don't remeber much of it, as it was so long ago, I'm fourteen now..

    But like.. Was this sexual abuse? I'm not sure and what should I do about it if it is..?:/

    Reply

    Ffion - 06/01/2013

    • Hi Ffion, thanks for your post.

      We’re sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. Your cousin abused your trust and it’s understandable that you have questions.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      Tempero Moderation 07/01/2013

  • Cj

    06/01/2013

    I understand that this advert is supposed to raise awareness of rape, but I think I speak for other victims of rape, as well as myself when I say it's really quite distressing.

    I was raped 9 months ago, I seemed to be doing okay.. I saw this advert while I was at work not so long ago, and I had to leave. It brought everything back, the memories that I've tried so hard to forget, the feelings of helplessness, the panicking, the nightmares..

    Even 9 months after I was raped, I found this advert extremely triggering. I self harmed quite a lot after I saw this - purely because it was a way of blocking the memories out, and regaining the control that was taken from me that night. The advert sent me right back to how I felt the night I was raped.

    I'm sure the advert does the job in educating a lot of people, but for me, it was extremely triggering and hasn't helped me or my recovery at all.. if anything, it's made it worse.

    Reply

    Cj - 06/01/2013

    • Hi Cj,

      Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past [if they are a victim of a past rape] and sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.

      We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, particularly for someone who has been a victim of rape.

      The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also researched with young people prior to being made.

      Working with those charities, we did consider that the advert may be distressing to some victims of rape, however, our research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with. Our objective for this campaign is to ensure that we improve understanding of consent among young people – in order that we prevent future cases of rape and encourage people who have experienced this to get help.

      I hope you understand that we need to tackle these issues in order to help people realise that this behaviour isn’t acceptable and signpost them to places they can get help.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem, however, we also appreciate that this may mean that victims of rape may see the advert and find it distressing.

      If you would find it useful we can send you a copy of the media schedule, please post again and leave your email address so that we can follow this up with you.

      We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape. It is also helping people who have been victims of rape, in very similar circumstances to the scene in the advert, recognise for the first time that they were raped and then go on to seek help and support they need.

      We are truly sorry to hear of your distress and hope you understand why we have made the advert. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can. Speaking to a teacher, friend or relative that you trust may help or you might find speaking to a professional will aid you in moving on.

      You can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      You can call Rape Crisis (0808 802 9999 - 12 - 2.30pm and 7 - 9.30pm) who can offer support. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      Take care.

      Tempero Moderation 07/01/2013

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