This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

If you could see yourself

If you could see yourself, would you see rape?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • Zoe's story
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

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Results: 210 - 225 of 549

  • Joy

    10/12/2012

    Well have been assaulted before, and I never wanna talk about it cause I know others have been through worse... And sometimes I get confused cause I think about it soo much I don't know anymore if it was a dream or not..

    Everything all happened when I was young but I do know its not a dream.. But at d same time I wonder maybe am just been cruel and imagining things.... And something has also happened to me off resent..

    And they were'nt things I like, or wanted but to please the person I allowed him(my ex).. And I still remember and now it gets me scared... I used to have bad dreams all the time and now I have a bf but sometimes I get scared when he comes near me.. I don't mean too.. I am just worried x_x and confused! I don't know if am doing things intentionally or not.....

    Reply

    Joy - 10/12/2012

    • Hi Joy

      Thanks for getting in touch.

      We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that painful though it is, and even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about what you have been through.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and confide in someone you trust. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.

      If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 11/12/2012

  • lucy

    10/12/2012

    if you're sexting someone and sending indecent photo's then meet up with them and they rape you, can it really be seen as rape as you kinda led them on?

    Reply

    lucy - 10/12/2012

    • Hi Lucy,

      A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around.

      Just because you sent images of yourself to another person, does not mean you were complicit in this, or that you gave permission to be raped. You were not consenting, and you had every right to say no. Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. If this has happened to you no matter how long ago, please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively, you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.

      Tempero Moderation 11/12/2012

  • Clo

    10/12/2012

    I am 14 and when i was 7, my mum had some friends round one of their daughters were my best friends, we known each other since we was 4, but that night we was playing upstairs and her brother came up, he was 10 at the time, but he kept playing hide and seek with us and he hid with me he kept lying on me and making me put my hands down his trousers, i didnt know what to do.

    This went on for about 3 months but everytime he did it he told me not to tell anyone because they wont like me after, so i didnt. I am still intouch with my friend now and sometimes stay at hers, her brother is sometimes there but he hardley looks at me and he hasnt tried it again, i havent told her bout it, i only told 1 of my best friends but we havent spoke much about it ? what shell i do ?

    i feel he cant remember ??

    Reply

    Clo - 10/12/2012

    • Hi Clo,

      It must have been difficult for you to confront what happened all those years ago. Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      We think it is important that even though this is in your past, that you should try to speak to someone if you can.

      You mention that you have confided in a friend, but you might find that you benefit from seeking professional help and advice in addressing something so traumatic.

      You can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. .

      Tempero Moderation 11/12/2012

  • J

    10/12/2012

    I'm 17 now and one day at school my best friend came up to me to invite me round her house for a study night, of course i accepted and we had our study night, but while my friend had gone shopping with her mum she left me alone with her older brother, he started kissing me and then he took me to his room he then said i love you and then got really close and started undressing me......

    After i was undressed he asked me to do the same:/ I felt really awkward and didn't know what to do. He obviously got the message from my face and he went to lock the door, thats when it started....

    He came up really close to me and said we are going to have sex. I disagreed, he didn't listen. He afterwards told me he didn't use protection and wanted to do it again.That's when i ran. I don't know what to do I'm 17 and pregnant:(:/

    Reply

    J - 10/12/2012

    • Hi J,

      Thanks for your message, we're sorry to hear what happened to you.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. Your friend's brother abused your trust when you were vulnerable.

      It's crucial you now try and find someone you trust to talk to about the attack and about your urgent medical concerns. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you confide in.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      If you have been sexually assaulted, you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      Tempero Moderation 11/12/2012

  • Jennifer

    10/12/2012

    It's wrong to see other people go through it and it is hard to accept that some boys out there are not well they really do have a problem it is just sick

    Reply

    Jennifer - 10/12/2012

  • E

    09/12/2012

    Right, I am really stuck on what to do!:/ Me and my best friend were at this party ( we are both 14, i was not drinking but nearly everyone else was including her). We met my friend and her boyfriend there. We wanted to talk so we went upstairs into the spare room talked but nothing else and then we stayed together for the rest of the night, then went home together because my best friend was drunk.

    The next day i got a message from her saying to meet her at the police station so i did. She told me that her boyfriend had raped her when they were in the room. I Dont know what to do, they are both my friends and we only talked in that room nothing else all night.

    She was drunk but me and him had had nothing to drink. I personally believe he is Innocent , But she is my bestfriend....Help!:/

    Reply

    E - 09/12/2012

    • Hi E

      I don't think that they quite understood your problem - I read it as meaning your drunk friend is reporting an incident you believe did not happen? I'm not a professional or anything, but what I would do would be to talk to my friend and ask her when it actually took place, because you were with her all night.

      She might be reporting another occasion and have only had the confidence to the day after the party, or maybe it happened that night when you stepped out to use the bathroom.

      At the end of the day you have to give her the benefit of the doubt (because it takes a pretty sick person to pretend something like this happened to them). Just make sure you always tell the truth to the best of your knowledge.

      That's all you can really do in your position, unfortunately.

      Emily - 13/12/2012

    • Hi E,

      Thanks for your message. Being forced or pressured to have sex when someone doesn’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Speak to your friend and help them understand that this was not their fault and there was nothing they could have done to prevent this.

      You should encourage your friend to call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about the problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      Tempero Moderation 10/12/2012

  • ANON

    07/12/2012

    Okay, this is really hard for me to come out and say this even on a website...

    Okay so when i was 8, i always used to go to my dads on a weekend and my dads next door neighbours were so so close to us all (my dads side) and one day, i went over their house and me and one of the youngest brothers who was 9 (he was my most trusted friend and my closest friend from their family) were in his room together, we always used to play fight, and then we used to jump on the bed...

    After the playing etc... He sat beside me and we spoke for a little while, then i layed down and he led beside me and started touching me, At a young age i thought this was normal... Then all of a sudden he started to strip me from my hips down and he was licking my... you know and i thought it was completley normal, i went back round to my dads feeling guilty and strange. Also another incident happened during the visits...

    The older brother who was 17 at the time, I remember playing on the gamecube and he came and sat behind me with his arms round me and i trusted him. Then i suddenly felt his hands slip down my trousers and he was feeling me, i was scared but i didnt know what to do because i was too scared :( i went back home crying and my dad asked what was wrong and i just lied and said im tired and me and my friend argued about a game..... Now im 15 AND i still have not told anybody in my family...

    What should i do because everytime i see the oldest brother i cringe and i get all anxious. I lay there at night thinking if they remember what happened too? Please help :(

    Reply

    ANON - 07/12/2012

    • tell someone please im 13 and i have been raped 17 times please please please tell someone im pregnant on my 5 child and im 13 please dont let you get yourself like this!!!

      sophie - 08/12/2012

    • Hi Anon

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      Tempero Moderation 08/12/2012

  • gannga

    07/12/2012

    my boyfriend is always trying to have sex to much so i don't know what to do he gets very very hourney

    Reply

    gannga - 07/12/2012

    • Hi Gannga,

      Thank you for posting.

      It does not matter if you are in a relationship with someone or if they are a stranger. When someone makes you do something you do not want to do, it means you are not consenting and it is rape. It also does not matter if you start out by saying yes and then change your mind, or if you feel like you have 'given in'. It is also never OK to make someone feel bad if they don't want to have sex as this is a form of emotional abuse.

      Tempero Moderation 07/12/2012

  • raj

    06/12/2012

    i have a female friend at school and iknow its weird for guys to be in this position but she sometimes goes too far when she wants to 'have a laugh' , for instance once at the cinemas a simple play fight turned into much more as she proceeded to put her hands down the back of my jeans and attempt to pull my boxers down, i didnt say anything because i thought she would say something , i dont know how to tell her it got to me

    Reply

    raj - 06/12/2012

    • Hi Raj,

      Thanks for getting in touch.

      Being forced or pressured to take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. This was not your fault. You say you're worried how your friend will respond, that she will somehow blame you for your reaction to her prank. This is normal - a lot of people who have experienced this kind of breach of trust will blame themselves.

      However, the responsibility lies solely with your friend, and she needs to know she was in the wrong. It's difficult to draw a line with a friend who has behaved inappropriately;
      It might help to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and secure in your friendships.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Tempero Moderation 07/12/2012

  • BB

    06/12/2012

    I followed a link here from a discussion on a different site and I just want to say that I think it's really good that you're running this campaign.

    I'm a guy, and so far I've lived by the rule of "no means no". I also know that for a lot of guys figuring out the yeses, noes and maybees of girls can be quite tricky and that when you are drunk or otherwise intoxicated boundaries can blur.

    But I know girls who have been treated badly, and been forced to do stuff against their will, and that is a crime, simple as.

    So that is the basic lesson, that if she says no, you stop, that's essential. If she likes you, there will always be another day/night. If she doesn't, then that "no" means what it says on the tin, and yo are better off not being a idiot.

    Keep up the good work

    Reply

    BB - 06/12/2012

  • Dee

    05/12/2012

    Hi, really great ad and campaign, but maybe a warning that it can be very triggering? Just for people watching it for the first time? Well done though x

    Reply

    Dee - 05/12/2012

  • Samzo

    05/12/2012

    My boyfriend is ALWAYS talking about sex and rude stuff with his mates (one of them have had sex before), but when he's with me he's sweet and kind, Im scared hes going 2 have sex with me! what should i do???

    Reply

    Samzo - 05/12/2012

    • Hi Samzo,

      Thanks for getting in touch.

      Going by what you have told us, despite his crude remarks to friends, it appears your boyfriend is currently respectful of your physical boundaries. This is a good sign of a mature relationship, based on a mutual respect. However, it is natural to have concerns about the future, given the conversations you describe overhearing.

      Lots of teenagers feel just like you, pressured to lose their virginity as soon as possible, but it is a common myth that “everyone is doing it”. In fact, the average age for having sex for the first time is 16, the legal age, and many people prefer to wait until they’re older. Even if you’ve had sex before, it doesn’t mean you have to rush into doing it with your current boyfriend. If he cares for you he will understand why you want to wait.

      Please remember, you always have the right to withhold consent.

      Sexual relationships also come with consequences; risks like unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. If either of you is younger than 16, it's against the law for you to have sex. You may find it helps just to find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you feel comfortable with. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Tempero Moderation 05/12/2012

  • sammy

    04/12/2012

    hi im 16 and me and my boyfriend had sex when i didnt want to he undressed me and stared hitting me i didnt know what to do and i dont want to break up with him help?

    Reply

    sammy - 04/12/2012

    • Hi Sammy,

      Thank you for posting.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      Tempero Moderation 04/12/2012

  • F

    04/12/2012

    Me and my girlfriend are in a stable relationship but i feel like a bit of an idiot at times, she has said she isnt ready for anything yet and i said im fine with this but sometimes i just have the urge to do something and i cant really control it at times and if im honest i feel like im going to cause a massive problem like forcing her which i really dont want to do and i really dont want to hurt her. and as i have anger issues i feel that it could tie into it too. What should i do?

    Reply

    F - 04/12/2012

    • Hi F

      Thanks for getting in touch.

      It takes courage to realise the path you're on currently with your girlfriend and admit that your behaviour is wrong and unacceptable. Using violence to control your partner is turning you into someone you don’t want to be and will have long-term effects on your partner’s physical and mental health.

      Being violent can also wreck your prospects. It can lead to a loss of respect from your mates, loneliness and trouble at school or work. To manage your anger safely in the short term, you’ll need to recognise the physical signs of when you get angry.

      These signs can be:

      • your heart beats faster
      • you breathe more quickly
      • you get tense in your shoulders
      • you start to clench your fists

      Once you notice any of these signs and feel you are likely to lose control, try to walk away. If you can’t, try calming down by taking a few deep breaths and relaxing as you breathe out. Managing your anger in the long term can be done through:

      • exercise
      • getting enough sleep
      • avoiding drugs and alcohol
      • doing something positive like sport to act as a release
      • talking to family or friends about your feelings

      Anger is never an excuse for being abusive towards someone.

      The good news is that you can change, as long as you really want to, and you don't have to bear your frustrations alone. You can contact Respect for advice on how to stop your behaviour from developing into something devastating to you and your partner, and the lives of those around you: www.respect.uk.net

      If you want to talk to someone in confidence call the Respect phoneline: 0808 802 4040

      Best of luck.

      Tempero Moderation 06/12/2012

    • As no-one else has answered you I thought I would.

      If you feel as if you may hurt your girlfriend then you should seek help immediately. Phone a helpline (as mentioned in other posts here), go to a GP, Rape Crisis, try anywhere you can think of - look online, local places etc. Ask your doctor or someone to help you find somewhere to talk through your anger issues. If you don't address this now, and you do rape/assault your girlfriend you will ruin her life and your own. Please - the fact that you are troubled by this means you are a decent human being because you are prepared to confront this in yourself. Most people have bad aspects of their personality, caused by childhood experiences/bad luck etc. But the difference between a rapist and a troubled man is being aware of what you're capable of, and doing your utmost to change yourself. You don't need to follow these urges, and you can control these aspects of your personality.
      It's brave of you to admit it, and I hope you're able to find someone to help retrain yourself emotionally.

      tati - 06/12/2012

  • Jess

    04/12/2012

    A boy I went out with was the same age as me (year 9 we were 14) and we went to this big party with drinking and dancing etc etc proper teenage party, and we went upstairs to talk because we couldn't because of the loud music and he started kissing me and gave me loads of purple love bites down my body till it got to my, YOU KNOW! and he pushed me onto the bed and i told him to stop and he said "shut up or i'll tell everyone you're frigid" and i tried to get away, i shouted, cried, and screamed but he didnt listen!

    i feel so stupid for going with him... i got pregnant and he made his friends video it so he could watch it in the future but luckily i got abortion and now im going out with a guy who's actually worth it thankfully and he has a new victim!

    im so happy now but what should i do in any situation if anything like this happens again?

    Reply

    Jess - 04/12/2012

    • Hi Jess,

      We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.

      Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      You can also call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 05/12/2012

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