This is ABUSE

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If you could see yourself

If you could see yourself, would you see rape?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape
  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical
  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Controlling Behaviour
  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP
  • Mandem On The Wall
  • Twist and Pulse
  • Charlie McDonnell
  • Bedroom
  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it
  • Sam & Alice
  • Zoe's story
  • Party
  • School
  • Takeaway

Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

what do you think? share your opinions

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Experts from Young People’s Services of Respect and AVA are reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 195 - 210 of 546

  • Emma

    15/12/2012

    I think its good that they are trying to raise awareness of rape. But i also think that this video is mostly targeted at girls but the thing is it can happen to men as well. Also its not just men who commit these crimes but also women can abuse and sexualy assult as well. Still a good ad over all

    Reply

    Emma - 15/12/2012

    • Hello Emma,

      Thanks for your feedback. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.

      We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU

      We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp

      Tempero Moderation 16/12/2012

  • Emily

    15/12/2012

    I was seeing a guy on and off last year at uni, he was seven years older than me. One night we went out for a meal and got a bit drunk. We went back to his and were having consensual sex when he decided that he wanted anal sex. I didn't want it and he knew that I never would because he'd asked me before and I'd told him I didn't want that. It hurt me so much. I couldn't escape, he was over 6feet tall and was in the territorial army. He didn't stop til he finished and then he got off me and went to sleep. I got dressed and left after sitting on the side of the bed in shock for a while.

    I feel like it was my fault. He'd been violent with me before but I'd always discounted them as one off events. The feeling of being trapped with the horrendous pain of what he was doing to me has been difficult to live with, and I have started cutting and I've been thinking of suicide. I also feel like people would judge me if they knew, and so I have only ever told two people what happened - my boyfriend and the counsellor.

    However, I am trying to help myself. I changed phone numbers and moved house so that he couldn't find me again. I went to my doctor who prescribed me anti depressants and told me about a self referral counseling service for cognitive behavioural therapy. I've now found myself a much better boyfriend and he's helping me sort my head out.

    I feel that what happened to me was very similar to what happened to the girl in the rape video, and while I am glad that the issue is being publicised, I find it incredibly difficult when the ad comes on TV and I have to watch it. It is very triggering for me and often after seeing it I find myself thinking about what happened to me personally over and over again.

    Reply

    Emily - 15/12/2012

    • You are very brave, i know it must of been hard,
      i understand that, but don't blame yourself,

      keep your head held high and your middle finger higher. Don't self harm, that makes him feel like he's winning, Stay strong

      Natasha - 28/12/2012

    • im so sorry to hear this.Unfortunatly this happened to me too.My long term partner forced anal on me during our abusive relationship.Luckily i got out but it happened a long time ago so i didnt report it.Wish i did.

      Its good u have support from your new bf.Maybe one day i will have the courage to tell someone about my past aswell.

      Take care.:-)

      kittykate - 17/12/2012

  • Rohan

    14/12/2012

    Good work

    Reply

    Rohan - 14/12/2012

  • Eleanor

    14/12/2012

    While I think it's a good thing to be raising awareness of what rape actually is, I'm not sure that this advert is the best way to go about it.

    For someone whose been victim of a rape or assault, it would bring that experience back to them. I'm also not sure that even if a guy watched it and understood it, that he would relate that to himself.

    I think the thought is good, but the way this advert is made could make it very damaging and distressing to a number of people watching it.
    I'm all for raising awareness of rape, I just don't think acting it out and broadcasting it is really appropriate. When people want to raise awareness of things like suicide they do not show someone killing themselves, it's not necessary and can be incredibly triggering and harmful. I think the video is just too graphic and there are other ways you could raise awareness of the issue.

    Reply

    Eleanor - 14/12/2012

    • Hi Elenor

      Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.

      We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.

      Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.

      Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.

      The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.

      We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.

      Tempero Moderation 14/12/2012

  • phatymah

    13/12/2012

    I hv been raped once,it ws nt really easy,I hv nt bn able 2 share it wit anybody nt even my sisters

    Reply

    phatymah - 13/12/2012

    • Hi phatymah,

      Thank you for posting.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If this has happened to you, try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.

      If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 13/12/2012

  • phatymah

    13/12/2012

    When a woman is raped,she wil never b free when ever she is in d company of men she takes al men as as bad and men who take advantage of women are heartless.

    Reply

    phatymah - 13/12/2012

  • Natasha

    13/12/2012

    I was really shocked to see this video. Not because I was afraid of it, but this is exactly what happened to me. This guy whom I know(he said he loved me), I was 16 and thought marriage was something too far fetched at my age.
    He kept knocking on my door, when my parents were away, he got in when I opened the door, and he tried to kiss me.
    I knew he was doing that, because I had heard from him(many times) that he loves me.
    Things went from bad to worse because of the emotional manipulation. In fact, the person who did this, started crying and said I should love him and so on. FInally, he went on to perform similar things on me.
    After that day, he kept telling me I had to marry him as he had sex with me. I was terrified, and at the same time thought everything was over. Finally, I had to cut off all contact with him, and then things got better.He did contact me a few times, and tried to emotionally manipulate me, but I knew I had to get away.
    However, I did not know it was rape. I wish I had known, instead of being confused, guilty, tolerant, and torturing myself about this. I was particularly afraid to tell my parents about what happened as I thought it was all my fault.

    Reply

    Natasha - 13/12/2012

    • Hi Natasha,

      Thank you for posting.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.

      Tempero Moderation 13/12/2012

  • Jennifer

    12/12/2012

    I cannot watch this. I find them triggering and truly terrifying. I wish I knew what channels run it and when so I could avoid it.

    Reply

    Jennifer - 12/12/2012

    • Hi Jennifer,

      Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.

      We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.

      Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.

      Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.

      The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.

      We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.

      Tempero Moderation 13/12/2012

  • robyn

    12/12/2012

    A couple a weeks ago i was raped by a boy im only 15 and everytime i watch this i cry and think of what has happened to me.

    i finally was only able to tell me school about it yesterday and my mum today.

    The school has given me a lot of support but my mum doesnt seem to care to much i dont know what to do..

    I hate trying to hide behind something that i am not. Im a very depressed person but just hiding behind a fake smile making everyone think i am strong that i am ok after going through this.

    Help

    Reply

    robyn - 12/12/2012

    • Hi Robyn,

      Thank you for posting.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.

      Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. If this has happened to you, try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you trust.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 13/12/2012

  • Flora

    11/12/2012

    I hope this affects those who have raped someone as much as those who have been raped. I've been assaulted (although not as part of a relationship), and I've been very close to people who are victims of sexual abuse, and seeing the advert made me kind of seize up and feel everything I try not to feel anymore.. like a big reminder in my face so I'd think about what happened again. I hope it makes rapists and ordinary people think as much as it makes victims think, and I'm not sure if it can :S

    Reply

    Flora - 11/12/2012

    • Hi Flora

      Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.

      We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.

      Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.

      Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.

      The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.

      The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.

      We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.

      Tempero Moderation 12/12/2012

  • connor

    11/12/2012

    it is horrible i hate it , it makes me sick

    Reply

    connor - 11/12/2012

    • Hi Connor,

      Thanks for your message. It' s unclear if you've been a victim of abuse, but if you have, you've done the right thing by reaching out. Please don't leave it there - try and find someone you trust to talk to.

      It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can confide in.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      You can find out more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult

      Good luck and stay safe.

      Tempero Moderation 12/12/2012

  • G.A.B.S

    11/12/2012

    my girlfriend, early this year got close to being rapped. she dos not want to tell anyone and i'ved told her that it would be a good idea. we are both 15. she did kick the person in between the legs, but he has came back and hit her or somthing like that.what should we do. i think shes scared that she will get in truble for hurt him.

    Reply

    G.A.B.S - 11/12/2012

    • Hi G.A.B.S

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when someone doesn’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Speak to your girlfriend and help them understand that what this boy tried to do was not her fault and there was nothing she could have done to prevent his attention.

      You should encourage her to call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about the problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 11/12/2012

  • Joy

    10/12/2012

    Well have been assaulted before, and I never wanna talk about it cause I know others have been through worse... And sometimes I get confused cause I think about it soo much I don't know anymore if it was a dream or not..

    Everything all happened when I was young but I do know its not a dream.. But at d same time I wonder maybe am just been cruel and imagining things.... And something has also happened to me off resent..

    And they were'nt things I like, or wanted but to please the person I allowed him(my ex).. And I still remember and now it gets me scared... I used to have bad dreams all the time and now I have a bf but sometimes I get scared when he comes near me.. I don't mean too.. I am just worried x_x and confused! I don't know if am doing things intentionally or not.....

    Reply

    Joy - 10/12/2012

    • Hi Joy

      Thanks for getting in touch.

      We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that painful though it is, and even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about what you have been through.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and confide in someone you trust. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with.

      If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.

      If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Tempero Moderation 11/12/2012

  • lucy

    10/12/2012

    if you're sexting someone and sending indecent photo's then meet up with them and they rape you, can it really be seen as rape as you kinda led them on?

    Reply

    lucy - 10/12/2012

    • Hi Lucy,

      A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around.

      Just because you sent images of yourself to another person, does not mean you were complicit in this, or that you gave permission to be raped. You were not consenting, and you had every right to say no. Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. If this has happened to you no matter how long ago, please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.

      You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively, you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.

      Tempero Moderation 11/12/2012

  • Clo

    10/12/2012

    I am 14 and when i was 7, my mum had some friends round one of their daughters were my best friends, we known each other since we was 4, but that night we was playing upstairs and her brother came up, he was 10 at the time, but he kept playing hide and seek with us and he hid with me he kept lying on me and making me put my hands down his trousers, i didnt know what to do.

    This went on for about 3 months but everytime he did it he told me not to tell anyone because they wont like me after, so i didnt. I am still intouch with my friend now and sometimes stay at hers, her brother is sometimes there but he hardley looks at me and he hasnt tried it again, i havent told her bout it, i only told 1 of my best friends but we havent spoke much about it ? what shell i do ?

    i feel he cant remember ??

    Reply

    Clo - 10/12/2012

    • Hi Clo,

      It must have been difficult for you to confront what happened all those years ago. Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

      We think it is important that even though this is in your past, that you should try to speak to someone if you can.

      You mention that you have confided in a friend, but you might find that you benefit from seeking professional help and advice in addressing something so traumatic.

      You can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. .

      Tempero Moderation 11/12/2012

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