HAVE YOUR SAY

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

If you've got something to say about abuse in relationships then you'll need to accept our terms before you can take part - please see our rules on the right side of the page. You can then enter your comments below or under any video you want to talk about.

• kay

  12/04/2012

  when I had only just turned 16, I was seeing a new guy, and definitely did not want to do anything sexual with him. we were supposed to go out that night but didn't, instead he took me up to his room. He kept trying to kiss me and eventually I did. Then he got on top of me and asked if i wanted to have sex, I said no. He carried on pushing against me and I kept saying no, but his answer was "i know you want it really", i said "i really dont", and then he pulled my jeans down and started to, I told him no again, yet he carried on. He wasn't a large guy at all, but I was too scared to move or even speak. Finally he stopped and as soon as he did I got up and ran out his house in the middle of the night, he tried to follow me and i told him to leave me alone and that i didnt want to have sex, and he said "i didn't rape you if thats what your gonna try say!" so i told him yes he had... stupidly i still stayed with him for about 3 weeks after this happened, and i'll never forgive myself for not speaking out at the time... i've told close friends and current boyfriend who is great about it, but never told my parents as it seems irrelevant now?! friends have said i should tell the police but it was so long ago its unlikely to go anywhere and i don't know if i want that, as i feel i was stupid for staying with him after, and that people wont believe me.

  kay - 12/04/2012

  Reply

• Diane

  12/04/2012

  There is a new kind of abuse that does everyone, including those genuine victims of rape and sexual abuse and those falsley accused of rape or attempted rape alot of harm. Young men falseley accused of these crimes can have this hanging over them for months while investigations are carried out, losing jobs, affecting their mental health and the relashionships they have with family and friends. They have to report to police stations on average every 6 weeks sometimes for up to a year and a half or more while investigations are carried out and the very best they can hope for is a decleration of 'No Further Action,' when in reality the whole thing was a fabrication. It is one of the few situations in which the person is presumed guilty until proved otherwise. Some come very close to suicide, others, along with their families and loved ones are marked for life.
  While genuine rape and sexual abuse must be
  punished, false accusations should not be used as a weapon for whatever reason and should be treated equally as severely by the courts.

  Diane - 12/04/2012

  Reply

• Nick

  12/04/2012

  I was with my girlfriend and we were chatting about sex stuff. She asked if she could try to tie me up and ride me. I wasn't into it, so she said ok and we changed the subject.
  We went to a party and both got pretty drunk, but went back to hers.
  I woke up at 1pm with my hands sellotaped onto the bedframe above my head and my ankles tied to the corners of the bed. I started panicking and tried to get free but couldn't. She came in and started giving me a blowjob, I told her to stop and to untie me but she didn't. I kept telling her to stop but she taped over my mouth. The male erectile responce isn't concious, and she rode me to orgasm.
  
  I was raped by my GF and feel for all other men who had to go through stuff this bad.

  Nick - 12/04/2012

  Reply

• Charlotte

  12/04/2012

  I was in a relationship with my ex for a year and a half when I was 14/15 and he was 16/17. We always had troubles, right from the start but they gradually get worse the more we were together. We argued day in and day out and most of the arguments consisted of him telling me I was worthless, ugly, that no one would ever love me or care about me and that the only reason he was with me was because no one else ever would be. He's told me to go die before and mocked me a lot because I was a frequent self harmer and all of this just made it so much worse. He was always flirting with girls, telling them he loved them more than me and wanted to have sex with them and so on and always left me to feel like crap and if I ever told him he upset me, he would claim that he's allowed to be like this because he was better than me and that I was inferior compared to him. Anyway, 5 months into the relationship, we had sex for the first time and he left me three weeks later for another girl, and being in the upset and vulnerable state I was in, I slept with someone else and after a month of begging and pleading to get me back a month after that so I took him back but I didn't tell him about the other boy because I was afraid of what he might do to me if I did. Two months after more fighting, this boy told him that we had slept together and told him details about it to. This then caused him to slap me and push me over a brick wall when I was walking with him, almost breaking my ankle. I still stayed with him after, thinking that it was my fault he did that, and the fighting got worse and he used to manipulate me, flirting with every girl he could, telling them he loved them and wanted to have sex with them and he even planned to have sex with one of them but was stopped by his best friend. He kissed another girl and then when I got upset about it, he would always say, 'yeah well you slept with someone else, you practically cheated on me too so I can do what I want to. You're nothing more than a whore. No one will ever want you.' He would get angry at me for going out to see my friends because he either couldn't see me or because he couldn't go out himself and if I ever had friends that he didn't know, he would always try to get involved with them, especially if they were boys just because he always accused me of cheating on him. All the time, it was never ending when actually, I was the faithful and committed on in the relationship. If I didn't want to have sex with him, he would ignore me and not talk to me until I agreed to have sex with him and when it hurt having sex with him, I couldn't tell him, because he made me feel as if he would get angry at me and would yell at me if I ever told him something like that because he could never accept when he did something wrong. This went on for 8 months, he thinks he can control my life too, he wouldn't let me be friends with people he didn't like, he would have a go at me for not liking certain things that he did or for liking something that he didn't, I was ugly if I dressed a certain way, I was more ugly if I dressed the way all the girls he flirted with did and if I ever told my parents or anyone about the fights or what he did, he'd go off on one and ignore me or call me more names. I could NEVER do anything right and it took for ever for me to learn to actually try to stand up to him and after a year and a half, I actually bought up the courage to face him and leave him. It took over a month for him to stop being and pleading for me back but I stood by my word because I could never go back to him. We were still friends after because I felt bad for leaving him completely but then we have an argument and he told me he never cared about me and that all he ever wanted out of me was sex. This argument arose from me not being able to see him because I was hanging out with some friends.
  I wish I had realised earlier on in the relationship what he was doing to me and it is only now I have realised that he was abusing me and it wasn't my fault. I honestly hate him now and I will never talk to him again knowing what he did to me and the way he has made me feel before. He made me scared and he made me live in fear for almost a year of my life. He made me feel like I was worthless and that I had no one that cared about me and because of him, I can not see to get out of that state of mind any more. I hope people who go through emotional abuse realise that is it just as bad as physical and sometimes it can be worse, just because it can leave a much more permanent scar on you. I hope they reach for help like I could never get a hold of myself to do.

  Charlotte - 12/04/2012

  Reply

  • Thank you for your story, it is very inspirational. I'm so glad to realised that you are worth so much more. Don't ever let anyone treat you like that again. You are very strong, wow :) <3

    Ella - 26/04/2012

• Anonymous (Male)

  12/04/2012

  I'm not impressed that this campaign has been mostly aimed towards the abuse of women. Giving men a very stereotypical bad look. If a man cannot be "raped" the law should be changed. It's ludicrous and unfair never mind sexist.

  Anonymous (Male) - 12/04/2012

  Reply

• Mog

  12/04/2012

  I found these videos very graphic and disturbing. Although it has never happened to me I have always been scared that it will. For a while after watching these videos, I was scared to go near any boy, whoever they were. Also what I would like to know is how do they make the clips so realistic?

  Mog - 12/04/2012

  Reply

• Marianne

  12/04/2012

  A member of my family who I'm very close to has Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and recently had a bad relapse. I was very upset and started talking to my old dancing partner who was 25 (I was 18), as we were really good friends and trusted each other. As we are both living on a campus university, he invited me around to his for a coffee because the rest of my flatmates were out. I went around to his because I needed to talk to someone I (thought) I could trust who wasn't family. We had coffee, and talked for a bit, before he started kissing me and touching my breasts and wouldn't let me pull away. I was scared and shaking. He kept asking if I would have sex with him, it'd make me feel better. As I am still a virgin, and believe in no sex before marriage, I kept saying no. He respected me enough to not force the issue, but kept kissing and touching me, even though I didn't like it. He slid his hand inside my bra and started fondling my breasts even more intimately. Fortunately one of my flatmates had come back early, and was concerned that I wasn't in the flat when I said I wasn't planning on going out, so she phoned me. My dancing partner was listening in, and let me go back, but since then I've not spoken to him, but have a new boyfriend who respects me. We're both ready to move on from just hugging and holding hands, but everytime we agree to try and kiss, I just get so scared and have flashbacks. My BF understands, but I don't want to lose him and worry that because I can't kiss him, he'll leave me for someone else. Is there anyone else who is in terror of kissing, and who can I ask for help?
  Praying for every victim, and praying that they will have the strength to speak out. X

  Marianne - 12/04/2012

  Reply

  • That was a awful thing that he did to you, and you mustn't blame yourself for it, and you shouldn't take it out on your current boyfriend either. what you have to remember is your boyfriend chose to be with you, and if he is worth your love then he will wait until you are ready, and from what it sounds like he is a very understanding guy. maybe if you feel pressured you could always go out with some mutual friends on a double date to the cinema or something or just out for the day, and pluck up the courage for a small kiss when your friends aren't paying attention, but when they are still close by so that if you feel uncomfortable it is easy to get out of the situation. But please don't worry and don't rush yourself, it'll happen when it does! x

    kay - 12/04/2012

• peter

  12/04/2012

  i have got a question. Can a man get raped by a woman because to me it seems quite impossible. thank you

  peter - 12/04/2012

  Reply

  • Hi Peter
    
    Thanks for your question.
    
    The law says that rape can only be committed by a man as for the offence to be committed there must be intentional penetration of the vagina, anus or mouth of another person with a penis.
    
    A woman can be convicted of sexual assault, which includes other sexual acts. Both are crimes and can result in imprisonment. You can read more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult

    12/04/2012

• Jazz

  12/04/2012

  I was in a sexually abusive relaionship for 5 years in which I was also raped 3 times. I managed to end it with help of my friends and family and felt I had moved on. Recently I have started seeing a guy again and he seemed really caring, but last night he came round and told me he wanted to have rough sex and that we should use a safe word... It began to hurt and so I told him to stop, we moved on to other touching but he still kept trying... eventually he told me that if I wouldnt have sex with him the least I could do is give him a blowjob... I told him he didnt want to but he pinned my arms down, sat on top of me and wouldnt get off until I did. I am worried about oral STD's... Afterwards I kept having flashbacks to my previous relationship and the rape within it... What happened with this guy felt no different really but I am beginning to wonder if it was my fault for not saying the safe word... He keeps trying to convince me to have sex by making me feel guilty. Im so confused but I keep crying randomly as I keep thinking about it. I am not sure if this is still assault but if it doesnt feel right then it probably isnt.

  Jazz - 12/04/2012

  Reply

• Anon.

  12/04/2012

  When i was quiet young, about 5/7 years old, i was raped by my own uncle! The only person i told was someone i thought was a good friend and she said she would never tell anyone, but when i was 14, she'd obviously told her mum, and we were playing a drinking game at my boyfriends(ex-friends brother), where you ask Q's and have to drink if its the opposite for you. Anyway, her mum suddenly said "ive never been raped by my uncle for 4 years when i was younger". i was so angry at my ex-friend that she would tell her! i was sat next to my boyfriend when she said it and i walked out, but he had never thought to have checked if i was Ok. They all thought i was lying about it! i mean who would lie about being raped, it's one of the worst things that could happen! This is the first time i've ever spoken out about it, because i was scared of what might happen. The things that hurt me the most was that my boyfriend never asked me about it.. I didn't know what to do. I get flash backs from those years, i cant even remember most of my childhood before that!
  Prayers with every victim xx

  Anon. - 12/04/2012

  Reply

  • I really do feel for you but to be fair your boyfriend hasn't asked you about it, are you sure he cares? I know it may be hard for you to forget but have you ever tried talking to somebody about it (like mentor you get at schools).

    Sim - 12/04/2012

• Jess

  11/04/2012

  this time, almost to the day, last year, i was raped in my own house by my boyfriend. i was suffering from something to do with my kidneys and i was in agony, so i couldnt even fight him off. I was so confused about what had happened, i kept thinking i didnt say no loud enough or enough times. im about to discuss what happened in my counselling sessions because i feel i am ready to talk about how it affected me. it ruined my first year of A levels, i couldnt concentrate in exams because of the flashbacks id have, so iv had to redo college. I never told my parents, my mother would have laughed at the idea of him hurting me. The thought of telling any family members is too much but i confided in a few friends and they've been so supportive. I have turned to alcohol to deal with what happened, i used to drink to forget but now im starting to regain my confidence whilst being sober at the same time, things are looking up. I never reported what happened to me, it took too long to sink in and to realise what had happened, i was in shock for a couple of days i guess. Im not even sure he knows why i left him, i keep thinking maybe he didnt think it was rape, but it was. I bumped into him at a racing event and my mum accused me of cheating on my boyfriend with him. what she didnt see was him pulling me and pushing me everywhere, wherever he wanted. when i refused to kiss him in the back of my car, he grabbed hold of my face and wrists and wouldnt let me go. When i was found crying, mum thought it was from guilt of cheating but i was so terrified i couldnt even defend myself. I hope anyone suffering from the same or similar experiences can find the strength and support from others they love and trust to get through it and fight back. No matter what happens, keep fighting. Dont stay quiet, it'll only make things worse. Love to all those who need it, you are not alone <3

  Jess - 11/04/2012

  Reply

• Annonymus

  11/04/2012

  Im not sure if this is abuse but this is the only website i could think of !
  For about 4 years now my stepdad has been treating me ... Well like his girlfriend ! If we go to the shops in the car and its just me and him and i ask for something at the shops he says only if i can feel your boobs or if u let me finger you and i hate it he has tried to get me to give him a blowjob before but i said no . He says he wont make me do anything i dont want to , but im terrified if i say no he will get angry or force me to do it . Is this abuse ? Im 12 years old !! :'( i dont want him out of my life because he is a billiant dad and he has had two children with my mum and my mum is pregnant wih another one and they are both young (2 and7) i dont know what to do . I havent told anybody because im worried if i tell my mum she will be angry with me for not telling her and she will kill him !! Please tell me what to do !!

  Annonymus - 11/04/2012

  Reply

  • TELL YOUR MUM. Please. Please. Please. This is so wrong, and because you're in the situation you may not understand how it seems from other people points of view. Please tell your mum. Thank you :) <3

    Ella - 26/04/2012

  • Hi Annonymous
    
    Thank you for posting and sharing your story, I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough time.
    
    Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. It is not your fault, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
    
    If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
    
    If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
    You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
    Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
    

    12/04/2012

• Klaire

  11/04/2012

  I wish i saw this when i was 16-20. i was in denial about it becuase i was told i was snesitve. I hope this campagin causes people to speak out. i wish i did and im battleing scars which my boyfriend has had to deal with (hes brill). its also guys who get abused too and i hope they speak up 2 if they are getting abused.

  Klaire - 11/04/2012

  Reply

• Unknown

  11/04/2012

  Sexuall assault IS as bad as rape, I was sexually assaulted by someone i knew and trusted last year, in general as a person iv always been friendly (maybe to friendly) and it can come across flirty, but that doesnt mean what happened to me was ok... I believed for so long that it was my fault because of the way i was but i was taken advantage of just like so many other girls... Theres so much awareness for rape but not enough for sexuall assault victims does anyone agree?!... iv never been in an abusive relationship, i have been married to my husband for over 2 years and weve been together for over 4... but what happened put strain on us as i blamed myself and he blamed me to an extent which i can understand as i shouldnt have been the way i was, but like i said even if your flirty, and love dressing up at weekends DOESNT mean guys can do what they want... Iv since stopped drinking and me and my husband are expecting our first baby anytime now, however i still dont feel iv ever got over what happened... Maybe i never will... but reading all these comments im going to do my best to raise awareness for sexuall assault victims... Love too all xxx

  Unknown - 11/04/2012

  Reply

• noo name.

  11/04/2012

  me and my bf have fights all the time, its happened more then once, thing is with him i hit him back, but no where near as bad has what he does to me.. he sorta treats me like im one of his boys when we have a fight,his kicked me punched me pulled my hair so hard its coming out, ive got bruises literally everywhere :/ i dont know why he gets so angry, i mean i can do it to him aswell but i dont smack him no where near has bad has he does, its usually aLWAYS started over a arugement, lately its been getting worse, weve been together for over a year now we've had so manyyy problems, im 16 and his 17 :/ i love him to pieces, but i just don't understand why we cant have a normal relathionship without a fight occuring, everything was okay but couple of past months when things started changing, i dont understand why :/ now violence is in the relathionship, now i know everytime theirs a arugment it turns into a fight, both of us get angry and sometimes i can start it off, i dont mean to sit there and push him about but when someone says something they know that gets to you its sorta like there asking for it, everytime we stop fdighting he always says his sorry, his even cried before about it, he always says like i want it to happen, i love it all this, but really i don't. i really dont know wat to do anymore, he even put a knife up to my neck the other night, saometimes he scares me alot and while he says he loves me, i just dont no what to do ?

  noo name. - 11/04/2012

  Reply

  • Hi Noo Name
    
    Thank you for posting your story and I'm sorry to hear about your traumatic experiences.
    
    If you’re suffering from physical abuse and if your partner is violent, controlling or sexually abusive try and find someone you trust to talk to.
    
    It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with.
    If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
    
    You can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. Alternatively you can call Women’s Aid on 0808 2000 247 (phone line run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge), or email them on helpline@womensaid.org.uk
    
    You have the right to be treated with respect and being in an abusive relationship can lead to long-term problems with your emotional and physical health. It can also have a long-term effect on your confidence and can lead to depression, isolation and ill health.
    
    Many abusive behaviours in relationships are against the law. For example, if your partner hits you, it’s assault. If they force you to carry out sexual acts or force you into sex, this is sexual abuse or rape. Being threatened or harassed by a partner is just as much a crime as violence from a stranger. If this is happening to you do not confront your partner on your own. Please speak to a trusted adult or the police. It is also worth having a safety plan like this:
    http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keep...ationship.html
    
    If you feel you need to leave your partner, it can be very hard to leave an abusive relationship. There are many reasons why people feel they can't leave their abusvie partner. Fear is one of them as is uncertainty about what to do/who can help. A big factor in not leaving can be that your are still in love and you don't want to loose that.
    
    Please try to find someone to talk to, you can either get in touch with the charites mentioned above or have a look at Help pages on this website.
    

    12/04/2012