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This is ABUSE

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Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

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Results: 120 - 135 of 2103

  • Hannah

    23/03/2014

    I am not sure if it is classed as rape but when i was 14 years old i was in a relationship for 2 week with my 16 year old boyfriend and he tried to persuade me into having sex with him but when the day came even though i consented when we was walking to the place where the sex took place I started to change my mind but i was too scared to say anything so i kept quiet and let him have his way with me i was a virgin and with it being my first time it was painful and i tried to struggle off of him while he was penetrating me i did not enjoy it and i wanted him to stop but i was too scared to say anything he kept on holding me until until he had finished but i tried to struggle away instead of asking him to stop, i think he may have thought i was uncomfy but as i couldn't do anything and was too scared to say anything i let him carry on while i was not enjoying it and in pain as i didn't know what else to do

    Hannah - 23/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Hannah,

      Thanks for coming forward to talk about your experience.

      Sex with somebody under the age of 16 is rape, whether they consent to it or not. It is against the law. And your partner at the time would have known this.

      Secondly, you have the right to withdraw your consent at any time. You can do this during sex, you can tell someone to stop. What happened is not your fault.

      It sounds like it was a traumatic experience for you, and it might be helpful for you to talk to somebody about how you feel about what happened. We are running live chats Monday to Friday, 5pm-7pm on the website. Alternatively, you can contact Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 25/03/2014

  • Emma

    22/03/2014

    Hi there
    I'm a little confused.
    I've been with my boyfriend over a year now. At first we had an amazing relationship. Then i started seeing a different side to him. I suffer from anxiety and he knows this. He often uses this against me to make me feel guilty in arguments and i always end up apologising, regardless of whether the argument was my fault. He often puts me down and calls me some horrible names. Hes physically hurt me before and threatens to hurt me alot, although i dont think he'd go through with it again. He tells me i ruin sex because im never in the mood and threatens to go elsewhere for sex when i say no. Is this an abusive relationship?

    Emma - 22/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Emma,

      Thank you for coming forward to talk about this. It sounds like it is really tough for you.

      A relationship is always abusive if one person is using violence against another, and you have said that he has used violence against you on several occasions. His threat of violence is also concerning. Nobody has the right to behave this way to another.

      It seems like he has a lot of power and control over you, and that is really unhealthy, and a sign of an abusive relationship.

      Lastly, it is never acceptable for someone to pressure you into having sex when you do not want to, and using emotional blackmail to do this still makes what is happening rape.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to a professional about what has been happening. You can talk to us on live chat, Monday to Friday 5pm-7pm on the website. Alternatively, you can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      There is also a lot of information at www.womensaid.org.uk.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 25/03/2014

  • Georgia

    22/03/2014

    I was 12 when I first met this boy, he was 15 and I thought he liked me and he told me that he loved me and was going to protect me, I was very vulnerable and young so I believed every word he said.. He then started asking if I was a virgin and told me that everyone at my age has done it and it's okay if I do it, he made me feel very safe but part of him still scared me as in my head I knew what he wanted to do to me was wrong... But I never said no.. I am now 15, depressed and I self harm.. I really am still confused... Did he rape me or not? I feel disgusted with myself, I wish I had said no...

    Georgia Georgia - 22/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Georgia,

      Thanks for your post. I am sorry that this happened to you. It was not your fault. It sounds as though it would have been really difficult for you to say no in that situation. The law states that you need to be 16 to give consent if the person who you have sex with is older then they can face serious consequences, so you wouldn’t have been able to give consent even by saying yes.
      I think it would be good for you to talk to one of the following organisations who help people who have experienced sexual abuse in the past, or an adult that you trust who can help you get some support.
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      http://www.childline.org.uk/
      They can provide support and counseling or just talk with you on the phone if that’s what you prefer. You can also talk to an advisor here on live chat between 5pm and 7pm on weekdays.
      Take Care Georgia,
      Brian

      This is Abuse team 24/03/2014

  • Maya

    22/03/2014

    Hello.My husband mentally and emotionally abuse me, for 4 years.I am in spouse visa, I couldn't take any more. I had stroke.He use our 4 years daughter.He told her she don't have to learn Russian, cos she is English like him.I am all ways wrong, stop to take me our daughter to visit my family.Help me please.

    Maya - 22/03/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Maya,

      Thank you for your message. I’m pleased you have posted here, it’s brave of you to share what is happened in your relationship. What you husband is did is not excusable and is against the law. I can hear how hard you are finding this situation and how trapped. There is support you can access to help you with this.

      Your husband is being abusive still by using your child to control you. All the things you describe in your message are also abuse. No one should make another person feel frightened of him or her or try to control him or her.


      Do you know anyone you could talk to about this, friends or any family to get some emotional support? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take next. You can also look on this website:

      http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

      And for information about your legal rights regarding your child you can also look here.

      http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

      It sounds like this ha had a big impact on your health, have you spoken to your GP about the abuse you suffered? They may be able to offer you some support. You can slo look on this website for services in your local area.

      www.womensaid.org.uk


      We have live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk about this more with one of our advisors.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 24/03/2014

  • Natalia

    21/03/2014

    Hi,
    So the other night I snuck out of my house and went over to this guy, a friend of mine whom I have known for a long time, to hangout with him, and my, and his other friend who came aswell. Let's call the guy who's house it was "Adam" and the friend "Colton". So we watched a movie and me and Colton drank a ton, but I was lying down so I didn't realize how drunk I was getting. Colton started like rubbing my leg, and my hips and cuddling in closer to me, he put his arm around me and started stroking my leg and playingn footsies. Then he kissed me on the cheek and tried to kiss me on the lips but I said no, because I didn't really like him like that and didn't want to kiss him. He stopped for a minute but then proceeded, And did it all again, minus trying to kiss me, but started feeling me up over my clothing. I wasn't really stopping him nor encouraging him, and so he just kept going and then went under my clothes and then he suddenly got up and grabbed me and pulled me downstairs too his friend "Adams" room where he put me on the bed. I was so drunk I couldn't even walk and had no idea what was happening. Everything went further and we ended up making out even though I didn't want to, and I gave him and hj, and a bj, and then I told him to get a condom. We ended up having sex, but I didn't enjoy any of it. I initially said no, but then I was the one later who told him to grab a condom. This wasn't rape was it? I still feel disgusting about what happened and I regret it so much.

    Natalia - 21/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Natalia

      Thanks for your message, I am sorry to hear about what you went through, it must have been very distressing.
      Even though you told him to get a condom, you had already said no and because you were drunk you were actually unable to consent.
      There is more info on this here as I know this can get confusing; http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assault/consent

      Have you spoken to anyone about this? Talking about it can really help. You can also contact rape crisis who will be able to listen to you confidentially.
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline
      0808 802 9999
      12 - 2.30pm
      7 - 9.30pm

      They can also let you know about local support services in your area. You do not have to try to cope with this alone.
      We also have a live chat service every mon-fri between 5-7pm if you want to talk more to us,

      Please don't feel disgusting, this was not your fault. Try to talk to someone about this as soon as you can,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 24/03/2014

  • Gemma

    21/03/2014

    hello,
    i have just finished my relationship as i feel i was being emotionally abused. my partner did not like me talking or seeing other friends. he wouldnt take my feelings into account and always turned things around to things being my fault. can anybody help me on how to stay strong and how to gain my confidence back

    Gemma - 21/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Gemma,

      Thanks for getting in touch. Emotional abuse can in some ways be more devastating to deal with than physical abuse. Bruises can heal a lot faster than the emotional scars we are left to try and deal with.
      Emotional abuse impacts on our self-esteem and confidence which can lead many of us to sometimes think we deserved to be treated this way. No one ever deserves to be abused and victims of domestic abuse should never blame anyone other than their abusers.
      I would recommend you contact www.womensaid.org.uk or call the national Freephone helpline 0808 2000 247 who can offer you advice and support.

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 21/03/2014

  • Lucy Jones

    20/03/2014

    Not sure if this is rape or sexual assault or nothing and i'm being paranoid - my ex asked for sex and i didn't want to i told him that i didn't , he didn't listen, he kissed me and at the time i loved him so i relaxed and went along with it he pushed me against a fence and had sex with me when i pushed him away he just forced himself against me until i said i had to go for the fourth time - He claimed to be drunk but i'm not sure???

    Lucy Jones - 20/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lucy,

      Thanks for your message. Everyone has the right to say NO to sex, no matter what situation you are in. If you do not give your consent or say no and the other person does not stop, this is rape and against the law.
      No victim of rape should ever blame themselves. It makes no difference what clothes you were wearing or how much you'd had to drink that night. If you don't give your consent it is rape.
      Your ex partner is using alcohol as a reason. Alcohol is never a reason it is an excuse for him to justify his behaviour.
      I would suggest you contact www.rapecrisis.org.uk or call the national helpline 0808 2000 247 (12-2.30pm, 7-9.30pm) who can offer you advice and support.

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 21/03/2014

  • Sam

    20/03/2014

    I need some help!
    My mum told me last week that when she was 12 she was sexually abused by her dad for 15 years. He is now no longer here.
    She claims she is ok now as she has told someone but I'm trying to get her to go speak to someone and to be honest it has seriously affected me. My grandad was more like my dad, I adored him but now I can't help but hate him. Hate him for what he's done to my mum, hate him for helping me through a sexual abuse by my uncle whilst knowing he did that to my mum. I can't stop crying and I really do not know what to do now.
    I have so many questions I want to ask her and haven't slept very well for a week due to my mind racing.
    Please someone point me in the right direction.

    Sam - 20/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Sam,

      Thanks for your message. Many people who have been raped or sexually assaulted may not speak out for a long time about their experiences. The main reason is the fear of others not believing them or the feeling that they are to blame.
      I'm sorry to hear that you have also experienced sexual abuse and I can understand how upsetting and confusing this can all seem to you and you mother.
      I suggest you both contact www.rapecrisis.org.uk or call the national helpline 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9.30pm) they can offer information and specific advice to under 18's.

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 21/03/2014

  • Annaleyse G

    19/03/2014

    Any form of abuse isn't right. I was in a relationship with my daughters dad for three years. I haven't been able to tell anyone this, but i was physically abused for 2years. He would beat me up if i didn't cook his food properly. I thought it was okay maybe because i loved him and didn't want people to think i was attention seeking. He once threw me against the wall. I finally ended my relationship after him beating me and threatening to kill me in front of our daughter. In no way is this right. Anyone being hurt or even emotional abused isit right. Im still trying to cope with it all. I cant be in a relationship because Im scared we both will get hurt.

    Annaleyse G - 19/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Annaleyse,

      Thank you for finding the courage to share your story. You are right no one deserves to be abused and victims of abuse should never blame themselves for their abusers actions.
      Many victims can struggle to move on with their lives and just because the relationship has ended does not mean the abuse has. Many victims are left with a number of emotional issues to deal with such as depression and anxiety.
      Children who witness domestic abuse are also deeply affected and can suffer the same emotional problems as their parent who is abused.
      I would suggest you contact www.womensaid.org.uk or the national Freephone domestic abuse helpline 0808 2000 247 for more advice and support.

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 21/03/2014

  • Ruth

    19/03/2014

    Hi,
    Relatively recently, I realised that my best friend of 5-6 years had been sexually pressuring and abusing me. We were quite close, and I really loved him as a friend and would never have wanted to stop being friends with him - but I really hated his behaviour. As well as that behaviour, he also acted demanding and very "I am in charge and you are in my way" with me. So one night when I was visiting him, I called him on it and left, because he wasn't being very nice about it. I haven't seen or spoken to him since. I have been very much avoiding him, because I don't feel ready to deal with his behavior or our situation yet. But also, I miss him. I miss him being my friend and having him around - I, of course, don't at all miss his horrible behaviour, but I do miss the good things about him. He sometimes messages me with things like "Can we talk? I'm sorry I was such a d**k.", or "I seriously miss talking to you. A lot." That was the only time he ever apologized. It seems like he doesn't actually know what he's done wrong, so he thinks giving me a generic, insincere apology will help. At least how I think it reads.
    All this said, I do miss him and I do wish we could be friends again - but I do *not* want to be freinds with him again if he isn't going to change his behaviour and be non-abusive, nice and respectful towards me.
    What should I do?

    Ruth - 19/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ruth,

      Thanks for your message. Your friendship with this person sounds very unhealthy, particularly if he has pressured you sexually. No one should ever feel forced into sex or any sexual activity. If they are forced and do not give their consent this is rape and against the law.
      Like living within an abusive relationship victims often miss their abusers and remember when things were good and wish they could return to happier times. However we can not force someone to change their behaviour only that person can change the way they act. Your friend needs to want to change and seek help to support him make positive changes.
      I would suggest you contact www.womensaid.org.uk where you can find out more information on abuse.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 21/03/2014

  • Megan

    19/03/2014

    Hello,
    I think I am in a mentally abusive relationship. I have been with my partner since I was 13 and I am now 25. We are engaged but do not live together or have any children.
    My partner has a very aggressive behaviour which makes me feel very scared. He shouts and screams at me in front of friends and family and even in the middle of a shop or street which makes me feel like everyone is watching and the size of an ant. When he does shout at me it makes me feel like someone is ripping my heart out. He can't stay in a job more than a couple of months as he falls out with someone and then quits which means I end up paying for meals and days out because I still want to be doing things I have lost count of the number of times he has put me in debt and my parents have had to bail me out. He never compliments me and makes nasty comments about what I am wearing or if I wear my hair a way he doesn't like he says why is your hair like that well I don't like it. He recently lost his mum to cancer but he makes it feel like it's my fault and says that I was never there for him and never supported him when I did. I take part in various different shows and musicals and he can't even buy a ticket for them and I have to buy it for him to reluctantly come along and then sit on his phone the whole way through the performance. When I practice my singing he tells me to stop sqwarking. He demands for me to stay at his house all the time and never comes to mine he makes me feel worried if I am going to be late to meet him as he will shout at me for being late. I am now trying to break up with him and he is saying it's my fault things are like this as I never want to see him and that I never make an effort and I never support him when I have always been there for him so I feel guilty. I don't know what to do and he hasn't changed since he was 14 all my friends have noticed way he treats me and have told me but I can't seem to loose this hold of him. Please help me

    Megan - 19/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Megan
      I am so glad you got in touch as it sounds like you really need support.
      You have been in an abusive relationship for a very long time and it must feel unbearable.

      What is happening is not your fault in any way, this is all about his behaviour and it is totally unacceptable and abusive. I am glad your friends have noticed, are you able to speak to them about how you feel? Is there anyone else you can talk to? Family or someone at work? It can really help to talk.

      I think it is good that you want to end the relationship but it is important to do this safely as sometimes abuse can increase at this time as the person will want to regain control of you and the relationship.

      There is some info on this site (I know you don't live together but it is still relevant).
      http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/keeping-safe/

      If you decide to end the relationship it would be a good idea to not be alone with him, or to do it over the phone. You should also tell people what you are planning and where you will be. You may also have to change your phone number and any online accounts and also plan what you would do if he shows up at your house or at work.

      You can contact the police anytime if you are scared and they can also come to your house and make it safer with locks and alarms etc. They can also tell you about getting protection orders so he can't come near you.

      There are also lots of brilliant services that can support you: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010008§ionTitle=If+you+or+a+friend+need+help

      If you go to that link you can use their directory of services to look for a service in your area, they will be able to support you through all of this.

      You can also talk to us on our live chat service every mon-fri between 5-7pm.

      I know this is really hard, but you are not alone. This is not your fault and there is a lot of support for you. Please do talk to people though as it is really important that you end the relationship safely and get support to cope with what has happened.

      I hope this helps,
      come back here anytime if you need to,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 19/03/2014

  • jay

    19/03/2014

    I am not sure if my husband is verbally abusive or not. We both work full time and I do everything at home. he can be fine for months at a time and then suddenly everything I do is wrong. He swears at me and calls me names and makes really hurtful remarks about my weight and says he is humiliated by me. He also says that if he had anywhere to go he would leave me. I have told him we can put the house on the market but he says he is not losing his home. He calms down and then it is all forgotten about for a while but then anything can start him off. I feel like I am walking on eggshells so as not to upset him. I have had a really tough few years as our daughter had an accident and has been left with problems, as well as I have been in and out of hospital with stomach ulcers. I also have a very demanding job and this is starting to affect it as I am losing confidence daily. I have talked to him but he says the problem is me not him. I am trying to stay strong but it is becoming increasingly difficult. I am an intelligent person with a good job but I feel like an idiot.

    jay - 19/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jay

      It sounds like things have been really difficult for you. It is good that you are looking for support as you don't have to cope with all of this alone.

      Does anyone else know what has been happening? It can often help to talk. It does sound emotionally abusive and it can feel horrible to be constantly walking on eggshells, it is very draining emotionally.

      None of this is your fault, you deserve to be treated with respect. It must be even harder with the other things you have to deal with at the moment.

      You can call the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 for advice and to find out about local support services. We also have a live chat every mon-fri between 5-7pm if you want to talk things through more with us?

      I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 19/03/2014

  • Nicole

    19/03/2014

    Hi,
    I dated this guy for about 4 years and ended the relationship about 7 months ago. There will be times when I came over his house and had sex with me while I was sleeping. I let him get away with it. There were other times when I was wide awake and he just penetrated me without my permission. It's like my body couldn't say no but my mind was. And also what if I wanted sex but I didn't ask for it, am I in the wrong? There were times when I did say "no" or "stop it" I even tried to push him off and he still continued. I feel like I'm in the wrong because I let it happen and I continued to stay with him. This still haunts me at times. What should I do?

    Nicole - 19/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Nicole

      thank you for having the courage to contact us and tell us a bit about what happened to you.None of this is your fault but I can hear how confused you feel about what happened. What your partner did to you was rape and there is no excuse for his behaviour.

      The most important thing now is that you are able to get some help for yourself to come to terms with this. Its a relief to hear that you are no longer in this relationship and I hope that this means you feel a bit safer now. Have you spoken to anyone about this or could you do that? Talking to a close friend may help as its big burden to manage this emotionally on your own.

      You could consider contacting the National Charity Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999 or look at their website - www.rapecrisis.org.uk . I know this can seem a bit scary maybe but they will be able to tell you more about local services in your area that could help. The psychological effects of sexual assault and rape can persist for quite a long time after the event but these services are there to give you a safe space to talk and develop strategies to cope with what has happened.

      We have live chat sessions Mon -Fri 5 -7 and you are welcome to talk to one of us a first step if that would help

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 19/03/2014

  • loula

    18/03/2014

    i waitd years to be with my husband as life took us in different directions i got maried to sum 1 else as did he but i had 2 children he had none wve bin together a year now and im finkin of leaving im not simple i do kno im being abused, hes giv me a blak eye and slapped me a few times but its more emontional that hurts makin comments about my kids tellin people i dont look after them h does everyfink for them feeding dressesing etc. bt he lives the house early and dont cum home till 7 i love them they are my world he jst says it to look bta he takes my card questions were the moneys goin ihumilates me sexualy and make remarks about how much his ex were beta i carnt see my family and hes always in trouble with the police dispite this i love him and try to be the beta person but its wearin me down he says he carnt do nothink anymore cos i have to kids and they always cum first but he knew this before him he is always complaing to family about me and wen i bring sumfink up he shouts screams insults me and my kids who r 2 and 3 threatins violents and says hes mustent be having sex with me hard enough thats why complain he wants m to have a baby and gets so frustreated that it is not happing he hates me most of th tim i would him to get remaried and heve his own family then he would be happier without my kids and our presure i love him but dont want to live a life full of shame he says its my fualt i dont do wat he wants me to do and humilating m in front of people means i wont do it again any numbers for womens hossital were we will be saf he says h will kill himself or me if i leave thanks

    loula - 18/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Loula

      It sounds like you are in a very abusive relationship and I am concerned for you and your children.

      Does anyone else know about what has been happening? It is important to tell people as this will help you cope and will help to keep you safe.

      You can call the national domestic violence helpline anytime on 0808 2000 247 and they can advise you and tell you about local support services including refuges where you and the children can move to and be safe, he will not know where you are. You can also contact the police whenever you are scared. They can tell you about protection orders to stop him from coming near you or the children.

      You can also search for local support services on this page, just use the drop down menu to find the area where you live, and then you can look for specific info on your local area:
      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010008§ionTitle=If+you+or+a+friend+need+help

      Remember that none of this is your fault. You deserve to be loved and respect but also safe. There is a lot of support out here so you don't have to cope alone. We also have a live chat service every mon-fri between 5-7pm if you want to talk to us,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 19/03/2014

  • Chrissy

    18/03/2014

    I feel that my partner is controlling because I'm not allowed to speak to my male friends or to have any. He monitors me on twitter and argues with me if I talk to a male. In the past he has been worse but not as bad now. But if I don't want to sleep with him he argues with me. I don't feel that I want to be with him but I know he will emotionally blackmail me to stay. I'm not scared of violence but I'm scared of the arguments. What should I do ?

    Chrissy - 18/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Chrissy
      It does sound like he is being very emotionally abusive and controlling, and also forcing you to have sex when you don't want to by arguing is actually rape.

      It is good that you are aware that he may try and emotionally blackmail you if you say you want to leave him. This is unfortunately a common tactic that abusers use. It may be helpful to end the relationship via text or email rather than in person, or if you do go in person to not be on your own. You may then have to change your phone number and make your twitter account private and block him on there and any other social networking sites. Also, it will help if you tell people what has been happening, particularly your friends and whoever you live with. This will keep you safer and they will then know not to tell him where you are.
      There is some more info here:
      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/

      You can also come to our live chat which is open mon - fri from 5-7pm.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 19/03/2014

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Don't glamorise illegal or dangerous activities, including violence of any kind. It's ok to talk about your experiences but you shouldn't encourage others to do anything illegal or dangerous.

Don't write anything that's untrue about anyone else (including boyfriend/girlfriend, parents, guardians, teachers, social workers, group leaders and famous people). Don't write anything that could harm anyone else's reputation.

This isn't a dating site – it's a platform to talk about teenage relationship abuse and your opinions on the matter; don't use it to meet or flirt with other people.

Don't write everything in CAPS – it's the equivalent of shouting and isn't polite or easy for everyone to read.

Don't post entire messages in text speak – it's ok to shorten some words but not everyone understands text speak or finds it easy to read.

It's ok to post links to other websites as long as they're relevant to the "This Is Abuse" debate and don't break the house rules in any way.

Don't break copyright rules. This means that you shouldn't post text you didn't write.