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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

HAVE YOUR SAY

Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships or ask a question to one of our trained advisors

If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board. And if you’re worried about anything to do with abuse, whether it’s in your own relationship or a friend’s, you can ask one of our trained experts for advice.

Have a read through the discussion boards, the chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.

Seen the ads? What do you think?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape

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  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical

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  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?

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  • Emotional Abuse

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  • Controlling Behaviour

    [5 comments]

  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP

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  • Mandem On The Wall

    A trio of friends meet at the place they love to jam - The Wall. Tinie Winie has a new girlfriend and with advice from the Mandem crew learns how to treat her with respect. The trouble is he gets it wrong and ends up becoming someone he doesn't want to be....

    [134 comments]

  • Twist and Pulse

    Twist and Pulse visit George Mitchell school to perform their latest dance routine for the pupils and talk to them to see if they are in the know about relationships.

    [0 comments]

  • Charlie McDonnell

    Watch Charlie McDonnell’s video about Sex, and most importantly, about Consent.

    [0 comments]

  • Bedroom

    Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?

    [156 comments]

  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it

    [8 comments]

  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it

    [5 comments]

  • Sam & Alice

    [12 comments]

  • If you could see yourself

    Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

    [538 comments]

  • Zoe's story

    Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

    [538 comments]

  • Party

    Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?

    [100 comments]

  • School

    Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?

    [79 comments]

  • Takeaway

    Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?

    [169 comments]

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Results: 120 - 135 of 2036

  • Emma

    06/03/2014

    My x boyfriend pressured me into sending him inappropriate pictures and do sexual things with him and had anal sex with me when i said i didnt want to and used force so i couldnt stop him. he dumped me and I'm now really worried he will tell people what we did or what i sent him is there anything i can do? I'm living in fear of him now

    Emma - 06/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Emma,

      I'm really sorry that you have had this awful experience, and i'm really glad you're seeking advice on it. It's really important that you understand that this is not your fault, he chose to behave in this way, and that doesn't reflect badly on you.

      There's some really helpful information on sexting here; http://www.childline.org.uk/explore/onlinesafety/pages/sexting.aspx that might be helpful to you.

      But my biggest concern is that your ex pressured you in to doing a lot of things sexually that you weren't comfortable with, and it sounds like some of his actions might have been classed as rape or sexual assault. I think it would be really helpful for you to talk a little bit more about what happened with a professional who will be able to give you some more advice on your sit ion. It might be helpful to call Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999. Alternatively you can chat with us on our Live Chat Function, Monday to Friday 5pm-7pm.

      Have you talked to anybody else about what happened, like a close friend or family member? The more support you have at this time the easier it will be for you.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 07/03/2014

  • Connor

    06/03/2014

    My girlfriend gets paranoid when i talk to other girls, and she hes been 'sexting' other lads. I think this is wrong, she checks my phone and hides hers, is or could this be a sign of her trying to control me, checking my phone, 'sexting' others ?

    Connor - 06/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Conner,

      Thank you for your message. What your girl friend is doing is not ok and is abusive. I’m pleased you have felt able to seek support here; making the first step takes a lot of strength.

      Your girlfriend is being emotionally abusive and controlling. There is no justification for the way she is checking your phone and controlling what you do. The fact that she is sexting people also shows that she is not treating you with the love and respect that you deserve.

      Can you speak to anyone in your life about what is happening? A family member or a trusted adult? If you don’t feel able to discuss this with anyone in know I would encourage you to call the Men’s Advice line 0808 801 0327, they are a specialist organisation who work with male victims of abuse. It’s a confidential helpline where you can discuss your options and get some emotional support.

      We also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you need some support or a place to talk.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 06/03/2014

  • Krishna

    06/03/2014

    I met my wife last year. She seemed perfect she was perfect we ended in marriage. Marriage took place in India. I believed she married me because of the love. But I realised that she married to gain entry into country to gain citizenship.She says she loves me but I don't feel loved I feel so alone. When I realised that she married only for visa purpose. She started abusiving me I being made a victim and making false allegations to my friends and family. i need help as She tried to Kill me. Please advice we are in rented home on my name I don't want her to stay with me or I don't want stay with her.
    I believe her presence is a life threat to me Please advise what to do

    Krishna - 06/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Krishna,

      Thank you for your message. You are in a domestically violent relationship and what your wife is doing is against the law. I’m pleased you have felt able to seek support here, making the first step takes a lot of strength.

      Your wife is being physically and emotionally abusive . There is no justification for the way you are being treated and it is serious, the abuse you are experiencing is not your fault. If you feel that you are in danger at any point you can call the police on 999.

      It sounds like you have been dealing with this alone, which must be very difficult for you.
      Can you speak to anyone in your life about what is happening? I understand it can be hard to talk about abuse at home. If you don’t feel able to discuss this with anyone in your life I would encourage you to call the Men’s Advice line 0808 801 0327, they are a specialist organisation who work with male victims of domestic violence. It’s a confidential helpline where you can discuss your options and get some emotional support. You may also want to look on this website below to see if there are services that may be helpful to you.

      http://www.karmanirvana.org.uk/

      we also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you need some support.


      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 06/03/2014

  • Jess

    05/03/2014

    I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months now, everything was perfect at first and at times still is now. However in august last year whilst on holiday with friends we were both drunk and started arguing, when we got back to where we were back he hit me so bad that he bruised all of my boob and arms. We talked about it after, and because t was totally a side is never seen from him before i ignored what had happened and moved on.since then until lately we've been fine, we'd have the odd Arguement, and yes at time I'd be worried he'd hurt me again when drunk. Last week whilst out drinking we got back and started to argue over something petty, he was really drunk and pushed me so hard back into my face I started bleeding really bad. The day after I woke up with a swollen face and all bruise eye and nose. He said at first he would get help because he loves me, and I love you. But now he's started to go back on the idea of getting help, saying he just won't drink again because that's only when it happens. We're only students and he's saying he wouldn't be able to afford anger management. I just don't know what to say or do anymore and it's starting to reflect on my behaviour as I feel very down.

    Jess - 05/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jess,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like it's been really tough for you.

      It's really important that you access some support for yourself as well as him accessing support. You can contact the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to find out what is available in your area. There are some concerns around your safety if he is choosing to use this kind of behaviour. There is also a lot of information on the Women's Aid website, www.womensaid.org.uk.

      It is his choice whether he chooses to address his abusive behaviour, and if he really wished to change then he would go through with this. However, it is not anger management that he requires as he is only choosing to behave this way towards you, not any other friends, family members or strangers in the street. What he will need to access is a behavioural change programme, and many of these are run free of charge. Those that aren't free of charge run on a sliding scale so as a student he would have to pay very little if there were a cost. For more information on this he can contact the Respect Phoneline on 0808 802 4040. But he has to decide to do this himself.

      I really hope you access some support for yourself to help you through this difficult time.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

  • Jo

    05/03/2014

    I'm hoping this site isn't just for young people. I had an awful experience almost 2 weeks ago with an ex who won't accept that I don't want a relationship anymore. He had been watching my daily routine and knew what time I was arriving home mid morning. He waited for me to unlock my front door then approached too quickly for me to get in before he reached me, he forced his way in and then forced me through into my lounge, I knew his behaviour wasn't right but I was frozen with fear as he had locked and chained my front door. After apologising for the way he had treated me in our relationship, he then asked if we could get back together, but when I told him I couldn't he became very aggressive and then he forced himself on me. I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this. The weird thing is that he was the one who walked away during a difficult time that we had early on in our relationship. Things have now got out of hand and he has gone too far, but I'm worried about what I should do as I feel that whatever I choose to do next will make him worse and he will come looking for me again. I'm also very worried as I have a daughter who knows nothing about any of this and I'd like it to stay that way in order to protect her. So I really don't know what I should do next.

    Just to add, he began watching my daily movements as I'd not been answering his calls or notes he had been posting through my door during the middle of the night.
    I feel kind of responsible for him reacting like he has, and this is something he has said to me, but I'm really worried that this is going to happen again, and other than contacting the police I'm not sure how to stop him.

    Jo - 05/03/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Jo,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how frightened you. What has happened and is happening to you is a very serious crime and you have been brave to seek support here.

      You ex is stalking you and has raped you. You say he is still watching you. It’s understandable that you are frightened. You have done nothing that could have made you responsible for what is happening to you. You deserve some support and to be safe from harm.

      You say you do not want your daughter to know or to go to the police. But at the moment you are not safe. Do you have anyone else you could discuss this with, friends or family? Do you have anywhere you could stay, or could you contact a refuge in your area? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take and if there is refuge support in your local area.

      If you are in immediate danger you can also call 999, as what is happening to you is a serious crime.

      You may also want to discuss the rape you have experienced from your ex partner. To do this you can call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence and trauma. They can talk with her in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday).

      Your priority is to keep yourself and your daughter safe. This person has raped you and is watching you. They sound very dangerous and someone you need to seek protection from. You may want to look here for more information about keeping yourself safe.

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005

      This is not something you can deal with alone and you will need to involve other people, as the more people you have around you that are aware of the situation you are in, the better you will be able to find options that can help you deal with what is happening.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 05/03/2014

  • Amy-Rose

    05/03/2014

    I love my boyfriend and he says he loves me, we have been together for 4 years so I want to believe him
    When it comes to sleeping together being raised in a gypsy/traveller community is it not thought about until after marriage, unlike the majority of my family I am studying a degree at university and want to finish this prior to marriage, I recieve alot of pressure to withdraw from my studies however I persist in continuning.
    Therefore I feel that I need to be thankful to my boyfriend for allowing me to continue studying, recently he began shouting because I would not get married
    We began having sex as he said I needed to meet halfway in the relationship, not just do what I wanted
    I have recently found out I am 13 weeks pregnant but am too scared to tell my boyfriend/ family due to the pressure to get married immediately before the baby is born
    Recently my boyfriend has wanted sex, I have not wanted this entirely, one night I think he raped me but Im not sure, he held me by my arms and said that i enjoyed it and wanted him.
    When i said i was scared, he said i couldnt be because he was my boyfriend and he loved me it was natural.

    Amy-Rose - 05/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Amy-Rose,

      Thank you for contacting us and sharing your experience. It sounds really scary.

      I want to highlight that him holding your arms and forcing himself on you is rape, you have to give consent to have sex, and it is impossible to give consent when you are so scared. He should have respected this.

      He should have also respected your views and beliefs on sex and marriage, and I understand that these are really strong beliefs within the traveller community. There is a traveller advice team which may be able to offer you some more specific advice and support, they can be contacted on 0121 685 8677.

      I am concerned about your relationship, and what is going to happen next for you, and I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to a professional. It might be helpful to call the National Women's Aid Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They may be able to offer you further advice and support.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

  • sara

    05/03/2014

    My boyfriend told me i wasnt a good girlfriend because i didnt want to have sex, or do anything with him. he told me that everyone did . it was my first time. I was in tears saying i was scared. but it happened anyway. I said okay , but i wasnt happy. that wasnt abuse, because i gave consent, but i was never comfortable with it. i regret it more than anything. i expected to be shown love afterwards but he just left me sitting there while he answered his phone calls and texts. i hope no one ever has their first time ruined like this , hope its as beautiful as most girls dreamed it should be. I have broken up with him now. but I have never been able to be with anyone else after him.i guess im now more "frigid" then i ever have been before now

    sara - 05/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Sara,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like it was a horrible and scary experience. Nobody should ever feel pressured in to having sex, and using emotional abuse such as 'everybody else does it' or 'you're not a good girlfriend if you don't' is not acceptable. It sounds like you gave consent because you were pressured to do so, which doesn't really count as true consent to have sex.

      I'm really glad that you are out of the relationship, but it sounds like there are still some issues resulting from it. I want you to know that it doesn't make you frigid if you don't want to have sex again at the moment, and I hope that the next time it happens it is the good experience that you talk about. I think it might be helpful for you to have a chat about what happened with a professional. You might want to consider talking to Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999, or you can come and talk to us on Live Chat Monday to Friday, 5pm-7pm and we can try and point you in the direction of helpful services.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

  • Loren

    05/03/2014

    me and my ex were together for about 6 months and then he started treating me awfully so i ended it with him, we made up in January 2014 and decided to meet up on the 20th of feb just as friends.. but unfortunately worse come to worse and he forced himself on me and made me have sex with him.. I told him to stop so many times but he just wouldn't!! I'm 14 and I know it's illegal to have sex under the age of 16 but that was the first time and I didn't want to. He is 15, but he's 16 in a few months.. Is it still classed as rape or not because he's under 16??

    Loren - 05/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Loren,

      Thanks for getting in touch, that sounds like it must have been horrible for you. Have you spoken to anybody about what happened?

      Yes, it is still classed as rape if he is under 16, and it was completely wrong for him to do this. Have you thought about telling the Police?

      It must have been really scary for you, and there are services out there that can offer you support. Childline offer support for children and young people who experience rape and sexual abuse and they can be contacted on 0800 1111. But I would encourage you to talk to a family member, or an adult that you trust about what has taken place. If you don't feel ready to talk to anyone yet then you might want to talk to us on the Live Chat function on this website, it runs from 5pm-7pm Monday to Friday. His actions were completely unacceptable and he has to be held to what he has done.

      I really hope you access some support.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

  • shelbie

    05/03/2014

    Iv been on and off with this boy for about a year and a half, I was really shy before I met him but he's very confident, the first time I had sex with I felt like I had to do it so I didn't lose him,so we was home alone and he started to try and have sex but I said I wasn't ready in the end I just let him cause he said its what you do when you love someone, so we started having sex but I pushed him away,he didn't stop at first but I told him to stop again and he stopped and then said 'come on baby' and carried on, after it happened I was shaking he split up with me couple of days after,we got back together and the next time it was ok, then we split up again, we continued speaking he came round to my house, he said loads of stuff to me like if you suck my dick I'll get back with you if you love me,you'd do it, childish ino and I was dumb for falling for it but I'm only 16 and it was my first proper boyfriend so I did, it he kept pushing my head down I asked if I could stop and he said no, so I carried on, I started crying but I didn't tell him, when he let me finished I just acted like I was fine,he then wanted sex, he didn't get back with me,which is not surprising now, I got pregnant and sadly lost it, he was upset but wasn't there for me atall, even after all of that I still got back with him so I think that's why I feel like its my fault about a month ago we was going out, he came to my house and stayed over he tried to have sex but I wasn't well so I said no in the morning he tried again, he kept trying to pull my pants down and I kept saying to, he kept lying on top on me&trying to have sex but I said no, I gave up again I didn't say we could I just stopped pushing him away cause I was to ill and to tired we had sex, I started to push him away but he didn't stop, I finally pushed him away and turned around I started to cry, he noticed a little later and was just like why are you crying and left in a mood, he split up with me the next day and turned up at my house a week later,trying to hug me&kiss me, when he touched me I started shaking, I just don't know what to think I don't know what happened I feel like its my fault for not trying hard enough and just giving up, I love him but is it wrong what he did to me? I don't have nobody to talk to and all I seem to do is cry

    shelbie - 05/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Shelbie,

      Thanks for getting in touch and sharing your experiences. I'm really glad you've come forward to talk about this.

      What happened is not your fault. It sounds like you did as much as you could to stop this boy, so I don't want you to feel like you brought this on yourself or that you are to blame. You are not responsible for the way someone else choses to behave. He is responsible for his own actions and he is responsible for forcing himself on to you.

      It sounds like it was a really unhealthy relationship, because if it were healthy he wouldn't have pushed you to the point where you cried and it is really important to remember that if you are going to continue to have a relationship with him.

      Have you talked to anybody about what has being going on? I want to stress that your boyfriend forcing you to have sex with him, or perform sexual acts is wrong and was breaking the law, and this is his fault, not yours.

      You can talk to somebody like Rape Crisis if you don't want to talk to a friend or family member. Their number is 0808 802 9999. You can also talk to us on our live chat sessions that we are running Monday to Friday 5pm-7pm on the site.

      I don't want you to have to go through this experience on your own, and I think it's really important for you to find out what your options are.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

  • shazia

    05/03/2014

    Hi my ex husband raped me on number of times when i said no i got the curage to go to the police he got arrested and bail i then get a phone call saying they are lealesting with out charge its not far on me i am going through hell so i dont think the police or the system are working together its currupt in my mind as i cant do anything with my kids as i dont like going out how many times do you say to someone no no no no no stop stop stop but they will not it was hard for me as he did it more when i had my hystorectome its not even a year ago since it started i feel cheated on by the system he is known for it plus tuching kids how can i help stop him from doing it again

    shazia - 05/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Shazia,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It must be so difficult and upsetting for you at the moment, and I'm really glad you've come forward to tok about this.

      I hope the Police put you in contact with some local services to support you whilst this has been going on, as it would be really tough to go through this on your own.

      Rape is never acceptable, and even in a marriage it is not ok for a man to rape his wife. It is your choice whether you have sex with someone or not. I'm really sorry that you feel let down by the system.

      I would recommend that you get in contact with Rape Crisis who will be able to signpost you to a local service where you could get support if you are not already. They may also be able to signpost you to an Independent Sexual Violence Advisor (ISVA) who may be able to assist you in staying as safe as possible and support you if you wished to leave. You can contact Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

  • Natalie

    04/03/2014

    My boyfriend who I've been with two months is so paranoid he always asks what I'm up to on the sly to keep track if I don't answer back straight away he gets in a mood he accuses me of cheating all the time he always asked who I'm texting calling where I'm going who I'm meeting he called me a slut for first time calls me.a bitch in a joki way say I smell in a joki way I told him how I feel I don't like it he begs to get back with me if I say it's over he makes me swear and promise on his family's life that I'm not talking to know one its black mail I said to him what does this mean

    Natalie - 04/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Natalie

      It does sounds like your boyfriend is being emotionally abusive and controlling. It is also concerning that this has started so early in your relationship. His behaviour is not ok and should not be part of a healthy, respectful relationship. It's not ok to call you those names, even in a joking way.

      I am also concerned that you have tried to break up with him but he won't let you.
      Does anyone else know what has been happening - it is important that you tell people, maybe a family member or a teacher or someone at school/college?

      If you do want to break up with him, it would be best to do it publicly so you are not alone, and then you may have to change your phone number and online accounts etc so he can't contact you anymore. It's difficult but you deserve to be treated with love and respect and most boys would not treat you the way he is.

      This site may help:
      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/

      We have a live chat mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to chat to us about this,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 05/03/2014

  • Jo

    04/03/2014

    Hi, I wrote on here last week but think I forgot to tick the T&C box so apologies if this sends twice. I would like some advice please, but I know I can only give my side of the story.
    I've been with my partner for 6 years and we have a very loving relationship, we got on very well from the moment we met (through friends). Occasionally though he gets angry, he has a short temper which he gets from his Dad. He can shout and scream the house down if he gets very angry. He usually gets angry with me, my parents or my friends and it's always along the lines of us spending too much time with them and not just being alone. I don't see any of my family or friends on a weekly basis although I see my friends and family more than he sees his which I think adds to the upset. He thinks I don't listen to him or put him first, which is not true and he admitted last night that because he knows I'll do what he says or agree with him when he shouts at me he purposefully shouts. I do listen to him but can't always agree. Once I was 20 min late picking him up from the train station because I'd given my friend a lift home (she was very ill physically and would have really struggled with a suitcase through train stations, and the route to the house had been flooded to I had to take a detour), I texted him in advance to let him know. But he got in the car and I drove for a min and had to pull over as he was screaming so much and distracting me I would have crashed otherwise.
    Anyhow, usually it is just shouting and screaming, sometimes in my face, but last week he punched a wall because he became so angry, which left two fist shaped indents. It took him nearly an hour to calm down (it was 1 am) on a week night. He has since patched up the wall and I have told him that it was out of order. He says he is entitled to get angry (it was with one of my friends and I actually agree he has a right to be angry why) but I explained that I wanted him to understand that it was the violence that I have a problem with and asked him to go to anger management. He refused but agreed to go if it happened again. He reckons that anger management only helps deal with small anger busts and that being angry is part of who he is so why should he change.
    I don't know what to do or how to help him. I feel this has escalated recently and don't want it to any more. Thanks in advance for any replies.

    Jo - 04/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jo,
      Thanks for your message. Domestic abuse very often starts with emotional or verbal abuse which in time can then escalate to physical abuse. Your partner is very controlling and doesn’t want you to share your time with anyone but him. This is not only abusive behaviour but also very unhealthy for your emotional well-being, as being isolated from others can lead to depression and many more issues.
      We inherited and learn a lot from our parents when we are children but this does not mean that his behaviour should be accepted and by him using his father’s behaviour is an excuse to justify his own behaviour. Many people witness domestic abuse as children but not all grow to become perpetrators.
      I understand that you want to help him change his behaviour but it sounds as though he is not ready accept his ways and is minimizing his actions by saying it is part of who he is.
      I would suggest you contact www.womensaid.org.uk who can offer more information and support to you.
      We also have live chat sessions Mon-Fri 5-7pm.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 05/03/2014

  • James Morrison

    03/03/2014

    I am very concerned for the safety of my 56 year old sister Norma. She is an an mentally and verbal abusive husband who has drug related problems. My sister lives in London , and is married in name only to a Turk, whose very presence is threatening. My sister kicked him out of the family home many years ago, and out of pity for him allowed him back into the house. She sleeps on a pull down bed in the living room and he sleeps in his own room. My sister works part time as a cook in a local school and earns with benefits ã800 per month. She pays the rent and utilities and living costs and her husband who works in the black economy pays her nothing. She barely survives and has asked him on many occasions to leave, he makes promises that he will leave but never does, as he knows that my sister is weak and threatened by him. I should point out that my sister is the renter of the apartment she lives in with her son, and the husband has no legal right to be there.

    In February of this year she asked for my help, I had in the past been asked by her to help, but when it came to doing something about it, she always backed down. This time however she was desperate to do something about it and I gladly accepted. I came up to London to confront her husband and told him that my sister wanted him gone. His response was to threaten me with violence and threats against me to kill me.

    As I said the main issues are that he is of a violent nature, he has been in prison for possession and selling heroin, he believes that he is the man of the house but contributes nothing, He buys crack cocaine daily and becomes totally irrational and threatening. I am very worried for the safety of my sister and wonder what steps to take to resolve this problem. Is it worth going to the police and filing a complaint. Any adice and help would be appreciated.

    James Morrison - 03/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi James,
      Thank you for getting in touch. I’m sorry to hear that your sister is having such a rough time and I understand your concerns for her safety. You mention that your sister has tried to end the relationship but very often victims will go backwards and forth a number of times before finally ending the relationship. The fact that there are additional issues i.e. drug use will pose more risks to your sister.
      You mention that your sister has a son, how old is he? All depending on his age your sister could seek help from her local Children’s Service. It is clear that you want to support your sister and protect her however you need to take into consideration your safety and think what the consequences will be of your actions on your sister if you were to file a compliant. Your sister needs to be the one who decides what action she wants to take as she needs to feel in control of the situation.
      I suggest your sister contacts her local domestic abuse service who can offer information on what protective measures she can put in place. She could also contact www.womensaid.org.uk or call their freephone number (24 hours) 0808 200 247.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 05/03/2014

  • Lauren

    03/03/2014

    I was 13 when I gotd raped. Im in my 20s now and only just getting help with it. The lad was alot older than me and he did get sent to prison for it, but it took a year to get to court and know one professional wanted to help me until the case had finished. By this time I had learnt to bottle everything up and ita caused me so much trouble later in life. I don't think these people realise how much it affects people later on. I'm glad I went to court but no amount of prison time for him can ever get me back the bits of my life that I have because of him.

    Lauren - 03/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lauren

      I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through. Rape is a hugely traumatic form of abuse and the effects can be so damaging. You have been incredibly brave especially with the court case on top of how you were feeling.

      I am really glad you are getting some support now. I am not sure what support you are getting so just wanted to tell you about rape crisis who can also help you and have local support groups:
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      0808 802 9999

      Take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 04/03/2014

  • Beth

    03/03/2014

    Ive been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. We met through Facebook as we both went the same school together we are both 18. At first the relationship was perfect everything I could ever want. He wasnt controlling let me do my own thing would sometimes have something to say about it but all in all he was perfect for me id never been happier. I thought this must be too good to be true! but I was wrong... until recently. So last night I took it upon myself to find the signs of a controlling boyfriend as I realised that I dont do anything of the things I used to and Im not happy anymore im always sad. I have depression but lately its hit me hard and I thought this cant just be depression kicking in. All of the 15 signs I come across related to our realtionship I spent the whole night crying because I want to be with him I love to absolute pieces and to find out he just loves controlling me makes me feel sick to my stomach. So, it started out like him just checking my facebook, emails ect he has my password for everything but I just thought this was normal cause I have his too. Then it started out like him getting angry when I go out with my friends and he makes me feel so bad about because he doesnt do it so why should I? So I didnt genuinelly feel bad about it like I was in the wrong and he cared more about our relationship than I did. This is how he made me feel. Then I realised I started listening to basically all the same music as him, dressing like him, basically being him, sharing his ambitions and it took me a while but I just though I dont even know myself anymore. I knew this wasnt right and now I realise its because he made me feel so uncomfortable when I was honest about what music I liked or how I wanted to dress and hes always suggesting ways I should dress, he wont let me wear anything revealing and if I do he says "are you trying to attract other boys" and I am really not I just like to feel nice for once because my confidence has dropped so much. SInce ive realised hes controlling all the nice things I thought he did for me just turn out to be sick ways of keeping me under his control, like picking me up from work everyday, picking me up from college everyday, making me come on skype to speak to him after college and if I dont he automatically assumes im cheating on him. At first I just thought he wanted to spend time with me because he loves me but now I realise its just keep a close watch on me. He also turned abusive, he always bites me and literally leaves bruises and ill tell him to stop and hes like oh im just having a joke with you, i just love biting people and he genuinely hurts me and then the other day he twisted my arm so badly and again he was like oh sorry i didn't think it would hurt you but it brought me to tears. He wont let me go out with friends hes always like why dont you want to spend time with me arent I good enough. I am always in the wrong when I stick up for myself and I apparently over-reactive to everything and hes just scared because my reactions are the only thing he hasnt controlled yet. We both deleted facebook I want it back though because I miss communincating with people and like I wont say anything because im scared hell find someone else and It scares me so much and hes saying he wants to grow old with me. Ive tried so many times to escape and he makes me feel bad he'll cry and cry and ill rethink and be like oh no I dont want to break up with you. I love him so much its so hard because hes not the person I fell in love with hes so paranoid and jealous of everyone I may have give him some reasons to be that way but he is ruining my life and I dont know wether there is a way back from this. Please help do I break it off? What do I do when I have no one and he may start threatening me? I dont know what to do I have no one to turn to please help me

    Beth - 03/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Beth

      I am really glad you got in touch but quite concerned about what you are going through. It was really good that you used the checklist on here, but I understand how it made you upset and shocked when you realised your boyfriend was doing a lot of them. Sometimes it's really hard to recognise abuse when it is happening to you so don't blame yourself - none of this is your fault.

      What he is doing is very controlling and emotionally abusive. He is also now being physically abusive and I worry as his behaviour seems to be escalating. He has also started to isolate you from people who can help you.

      I think you are right to be worried and thinking about leaving the relationship.
      Abuse is all about having power and control over the other person, so when you try to leave they will try to regain control by telling you they will change, or by crying, or making threats. This makes it really scary and hard to leave, especially when you still love them and want things to be ok.

      When leaving an abusive relationship it is important to do it safely. You need to try to tell people what you are planning to do - can you tell anyone at college? Friends or a tutor? How about your family? It would also be best to tell him in a public place if you want to do it in person, where you can leave safely and if you are afraid you can go to a shop or somewhere safe. You could even have someone waiting for you or at least knowing when to expect you home.
      You will then need to think about changing your mobile number and online passwords so he can't contact you but also think how you will react if he tries to approach you, say after college or at home. You may have to vary your routine for a while and make sure you are not on your own.

      I know this all sounds overwhelming, but it is important. You can also get some professional support - we have a live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm and you can also contact the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 or google the area you live in and 'domestic violence support services'. There will be a local service that can help you through all of this, you are not on your own.

      You have done the right thing by contacting us and looking for advice, see this as the first step to rebuilding your life and being happy and safe.
      I hope this helps.
      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 04/03/2014

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