This is ABUSE

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YOUR QUESTIONS

Worried about abuse in your relationship?

Young people have asked questions about abuse within their relationships, they may have been through something similar to you and the responses may help give you advice on your own relationship.

If you have any questions about abuse, or you are in an abusive relationship, or you just want to talk to someone, there are specialist organisations that can help you. Visit the Need Help section and you can contact people who can give you help and support.

Watch these videos to spot the signs of abuse within relationships

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Results: 120 - 135 of 2291

  • David

    23/12/2014

    I'm sorry to say am not the victim but I need help last night I did something that I'm very ashamed of.
    I pulled my partners hair and pushed her to the ground and shouted at her I did hit her I just wanted to shout .
    It only lasted for about 20secs but my nine year old son saw me shouting at her!!
    which makes me sick and very ashamed of my self.
    They are both safe and well. I need help
    Where can I go for help I do not want to

    David - 23/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi David

      I am really glad you have got in touch and want to get help.
      Obviously you know that there is no excuse for being abusive, in any way. But the fact that you acknowledge what you did was wrong and want to get help is good.

      I hope that your partner and son are safe and well.

      I think it is important that you get support so that this does not happen again. The best thing to do is contact the respect helpline - they speak to people every day who have used abusive behaviour and they help them to get support.

      http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/
      Call freephone 0808 802 4040 Monday-Friday 9am-5pm or email info@respectphoneline.org.uk


      As it is Christmas you may not be able to get through to them straight away, so on this page there are some suggestions for what to do if you feel like that again - see the section down the page called 'what can you do' and the links to time outs and the choose to stop booklet.
      http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/pages/male-domestic-violence-perpetrators.html

      Abuse is always a choice and that means that you have the choice to behave differently, it is good that you recognise this and I hope you and your family get the help you need.
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 24/12/2014

  • liv

    23/12/2014

    im scared of being raped and i dont know why im scared because nothing has ever happened im just scared that what would i do or what would happen and ive been really depressed about this i dont know why

    liv - 23/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Liv

      It is totally natural to worry about scary things and think about what you might do if it happened, but you have to try not to let these worries take over.

      There is nothing to say that you will ever experience rape, do you know what might have triggered these worries? You can always talk to your GP or a counsellor if this happens again and I also want to tell you a quick visualisation trick that may help next time you are worrying.

      OK, so imagine you are somewhere lovely where you feel safe - really imagine being there, feel the ground under your feet. Then imagine there is a lovely river or sea nearby. Next, imagine writing down your fears and worries, then ripping them up and throwing them into the water and watch the water take them away.....
      If you do that often enough it should help ease the feelings of anxiety.

      I know that may not get rid of your fears but I hope it helps. If the worst happened and you were raped there is so much support out there and the best thing to do first would be to go to a sexual assault referral centre who would be able to help both physically and emotionally as well as collecting evidence should you want to report it.

      But, lets think on the positive side = you are safe and there is lots of support out here,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 07/01/2015

  • ellie

    23/12/2014

    i have been messaging a guy online and i just think hes a friend but he asks me what i want to talk about and i say i dont know and then he just starts talking about what he wants to do to me like he wants to have sex with me and things like that and he goes into detail with everything. whenever i have a converstation with him thats all he talks about and that he finds me attractive i dont know what to do? everything he says i find it disturbing and im scared of him.

    ellie - 23/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ellie

      I am really glad you got in touch.

      It can be exciting to chat to people online but unfortunately there are some people on there who exploit this and do and say things that make you scared and uncomfortable.

      This is not ok, but it is also not your fault.

      I think the best thing to do is to stop having any contact with him - I am not sure what site you are chatting to him on but you should be able to block him so he can't contact you.

      I know it is upsetting if you wanted to make new friends but he is being abusive and it is not ok to talk you like that. Sometimes people pretend to be something they are not online as well, for instance saying they are your age when they could be much older, and sometimes they may try to pressure you to say things back or to send images that you don't want to send. This can be called grooming and is a form of abuse.

      Here is some information about this that may help:

      http://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/OnlineSafety/Pages/Online-grooming.aspx
      and more here:
      https://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/

      You have done nothing wrong but he is obviously upsetting you so I think it is best to cut off the communication with him so he can't continue to upset you. You don't have to explain why to him.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 02/01/2015

  • linsey

    23/12/2014

    I would like to know how i can get help with a issue with my mother who all my life has controlled me,verbaly abused me,beat me and my younger sister,i am now 47 and it still continues my sister is 40 my mum is now 76 and still is controlling,manipulating,being nasty,vile towars both of us can you please tell me who can help lease with very kind regards linseyx

    linsey - 23/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Linsey

      That sounds awful, I am so sorry to hear that you have been going through this for so long.
      This site is more about relationship abuse but I am really glad you are looking for help.
      I think the best people to call would be family lives - they can support you and give you advice.
      http://www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/
      0808 800 2222
      They have a helpline, live chat, email service and also online forums.

      I really hope they are able to help you,
      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 07/01/2015

  • Jenny

    22/12/2014

    I have separated from my partner and we have a one year old together. The relationship ended due to his drinking and constant lies about money. Since we have separated (8 months ago) he on a daily basis slags my family off- it sounds so petty, but he says things like he wants them to die, calls them awful names and says that if he had his way our son would have nothing to do with them. He threatens to call solicitors to stop my son from seeing my parents etc.. He did this throughout are relationship and since it has ended it has got worse. My family are lovely, decent people and are nothing but supportive of me and my son. It sounds so ridiculous but it is really unsetting me and what makes it harder is that he is the father to my son so I will have to deal with this for rest of my life. And yes, I have spoken to him about it but it just makes the abuse worse. I just don't know what I can do to make him stop. I am worried that as he behaves like this infront of my son when he is older he will continue to say all this nasty stuff about my family and my son will hear it all. :(

    Jenny - 22/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jenny
      This must be really hard for you, especially as it involves your child. It doesn't sound petty at all.

      I think the best thing to do would be to get some legal advice and there are a couple of great places to get free advice:

      Children’s legal centre
      http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/index.php?page=the_child_law_advice_line
      0808 802 0008 - from 8am to 8pm, Monday to Friday

      Rights of Women
      http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

      For women in England and Wales
      Call 020 7251 6577
      Monday 7-9pm, Tuesday 7-9pm, Wednesday 7-9pm, Thursday 7-9pm, Friday 12-2pm
      For women in London
      Call 020 7608 1137
      Monday 11am-1pm, Tuesday 2-4pm, Wednesday 2-4pm

      What he is doing and saying is not ok at all. You are right that it is best not to confront him as this often makes the abuse worse. It may be that some kind of child contact assessment is needed to see if it is ok for him to be with your child unsupervised. The contacts above can advise you on that and any other options.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 07/01/2015

  • Jayne

    22/12/2014

    Hi
    I've been wondering wether to send a message for a while but tonight have finally chosen to. I'm currently in a relationship, but none of my family or friends know because I don't feel like they would accept him. I can only see him at his house as he can't be seen at mine because my mum and dad would be in. Whenever I'm at his and want to go out or go home, he won't let me. He says i belong to him and no one else. He does get angry a lot at me and hit me. And I don't feel ready to have sex with him yet, I don't think he is the right one for me. Although he makes me have sex with him quite a lot even when I scream and cry for him to stop. I just don't know what to do. Please help

    Jayne - 22/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jayne

      I am really glad you decided to send a message. I know it can be a hard step to take but now you can get the support you need.

      What he is doing to you is abuse and is unacceptable. He is being emotionally abusive by controlling you, and also by making you have sex when you don't want to he is raping you. I know this is really hard to hear, but it is very serious especially as no-one knows about your relationship as you are not able to get support or help.

      It is important that you do tell people though as that will help keep you safe. If you don't want anyone in your family to know, how about someone at school/college or your doctor - they will be able to help you.

      You can also call the national domestic violence helpline at any time on 0800 2000 247 - they are open 24 hours a day and can give you free, confidential advice. And rape crisis can give you advice and support and tell you how to stay safe or access counselling etc - Rape crisis
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline
      0808 802 9999
      12 - 2.30pm
      7 - 9.30pm


      This website has some info about keeping safe too: http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/

      I know this may feel overwhelming but you deserve to be safe and happy and you don't have to cope with this alone,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 24/12/2014

  • Victoria

    21/12/2014

    Hi,

    I was at a house party at the weekend and I can't remember much (id drank almost a litre of vodka and was very very drunk) but I get the feeling that someone at the party who was sober fingered me. Is this wrong? I don't think I would have told the person no, but I was too drunk to be myself and can't remember large portions of the night. I'm not sure how the law stands on this sort of thing. I don't want to take it any further I'm just curious. I feel really awful and sick with my behaviour, it's something I would never ever do had I been sober.

    Victoria - 21/12/2014

    Reply
  • Jay

    21/12/2014

    I have been facing verbal abuse for some time now from my husband now. But ive been trying to get him to get help for his anger issues even though he thinks he doesnt have any!! He uses things like me being divorced already as ammunition to use against me in arguments over the silliest things like the washing up not being done before he gets home. Im scared of what to say or not say incase it sends him off on one. Sometimes it can be the strangest things like last night I wanted to buy a Christmas jumper & innocently asked his opinion He went off on 1 & said I dont care, i dont like them. Why are you buying one anyway to jump on the bandwagon like everyone else?? I said no because I just want one. He starting at me & said thats not a good enough answer tell me why. I didnt know what to say as that was the truth. There was serious anger in his eyes. He said see you cant answer me. He always has to have the last word & will carry it on by mumbling on for ages but if I say anything he gets angrier which he did & he threw his phone at me. Which hit me on my neck... It still hurts today. He said dont be soo silly it didnt hit you it bounced off the headboard. Then he wanted me to hand it him back, so I threw it on the floor! He said its mine to throw not yours. I said oh but its alright to hit me with it... Later on at bedtime he said sorry for throwing the phone at me. I refused to accept his apology and im still not speaking to him properly. I dont know what to do...

    Jay - 21/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jay
      Thanks for getting in touch.

      Verbal abuse is never ok and it is certainly not ok for someone to make you scared and feel like you have to tiptoe around them. Throwing things at you is also never ok.
      This is a form of emotional abuse and control and actually not so much about anger management. That is certainly part of it but anger issues are usually about someone lacking the ability to control their anger generally whereas people who are abusive in relationships usually target their anger/abuse at one person which shows they are actually in control. So it's more about them taking responsibility for their actions - as well as finding other ways to cope with feeling angry etc.

      It is best not to tell him this though as it may make things worse, and it is not your responsibility to get him help, although I understand why you would want to. The main organisation who do help abusive people are respect and you could talk to them for advice - http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/
      Call freephone 0808 802 4040 Monday-Friday 9am-5pm or email
      info@respectphoneline.org.uk


      If you are ever scared you can always call the police, and there is always the 24 hour national domestic violence helpline on 0800 2000 247. The can support and advise you and tell you about local services in your area that may be able to help.

      It is up to you if you want to stay in the relationship but it does not sound like a healthy one based on love and respect - which is what you deserve.

      Does anyone else know what has been happening? Talking to people will help and will also keep you safer.
      Here are some safety tips too - http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 07/01/2015

  • tammy

    18/12/2014

    Jo, thanks for your reply and all your help its good to know there are things I can do. Although I'm scared to take that first step.
    If I do tell my midwife will she involve social services, will they take my child away from me if they know what's happening?
    Sorry not sure if I am allowed to reply back to you, I just have that question in my head.
    Thankyou again

    tammy - 18/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Tammy
      I am really glad you got in touch, it is absolutely fine to reply!
      I totally understand why you are worried about what might happen if you tell your midwife about the abuse.
      When you tell her, what should happen is she will be able to listen and offer support and refer you to a local domestic violence support service. She may have to ask certain questions about what has been happening so she can get a full picture of how best to support you and what your needs are. Try to be honest with her and that will help keep you safe.

      If she did tell social services (and she would discuss this with you first) they would not take your child away - their main concern is keeping children with their non-abusive parents. What they would be concerned about is keeping you and your child safe. Your midwife may not even tell them, but even if she does please do not worry. No-one will think you are not able to be a good mother, everyone will just want to help and keep you safe.

      There are lots of options as well in terms of support, including the local services, the police, injunctions, refuges (a safe house for you to live in with your baby) etc and the choices will be yours to make.

      Please talk to your midwife, you and your baby deserve to be safe and happy.
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 19/12/2014

  • Tammy

    17/12/2014

    Iv posted on here b4, currently in a 5 yr abusive relationship. I didn't mention we have a child, and I'm currently pregnant.
    I know you would think why have sex with that person.....i don't want to I feel like I have to.
    I'm 23, is there anything I can do before I gain strength to leave to make sure he won't be able to take my child away from me. He already said if I do leave I wont see our child again. He will lie in court. I could go on. Iv had enough and its getting worse, me being pregnant doesn't stop him hitting Me. Inside and out I'm drained. I need to know he cant take my children.

    Tammy - 17/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Tammy

      It's good to hear from you again. I am really sorry to hear how bad things are. It must be very scary and worrying especially as you are pregnant. Unfortunately abuse can often get worse during pregnancy and this is very serious.

      Many abusers threaten to try to take the children or lie to make the other parent look bad, however, there is help for you to get through this.
      I suggest contacting Rights of Women who are a team of female lawyers who can provide free legal advice on their phoneline and specialise in cases of domestic violence. They will be able to tell you what your rights are.
      http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/
      Call 020 7251 6577
      Monday 7-9pm, Tuesday 7-9pm, Wednesday 7-9pm, Thursday 7-9pm, Friday 12-2pm
      (please note that the line will be closed on Thursday, 18 December 2014 and from Monday, 22 December 2014 to Friday, 2 January 2015. The line will re-open on Monday, 5 January 2015)

      There are also specialist domestic violence courts where cases like this can be heard and all the people who work there are trained to understand how abusers may act and will be able to support you.

      You can also contact the national domestic violence helpline anytime - 24 hours a day for support 0800 2000 247 - they can tell you about local support services or even about refuges if you choose to leave him and want somewhere safe for you and your child to stay.

      Here is some info about child contact after separation and how to make it safe - http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100380002

      And some advice on how to leave the relationship safely: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005

      It's really important that you get support from people around you as well as professional help. As you are pregnant you can talk to your midwife - they are required to ask all pregnant women if they are in an abusive relationship and they also have to see you alone so that is a perfect opportunity to tell her what is going on and she can help you. You can also tell your GP or ring the police anytime.

      As you know, this is very serious and I am very concerned about you. Please do contact the helplines I have mentioned but also read the safety info and call the police if you are scared.

      You are not alone and you deserve to be safe,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 17/12/2014

  • Jude

    17/12/2014

    I'd also like to ask if there is any organisation you suggest that might help to give me counselling for suffering abuse? As i have problems like flashbacks from last year in my mind due to my anxiety issues. I was never offered any help through the nhs for the physical and psychological abuse i suffered, just put on an assertive course and an anxiety course which was cbt. The assertive course helped but the cbt didn't deal with relationship anxiety and anxiety by my long term health problems

    Jude - 17/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jude

      That is a great question and really important. Abuse can have long lasting impacts on our mental health and it is very important to get some specialist help.

      You could go back to your GP and request specific counselling to deal with the trauma symptoms you are experiencing, or you could contact the national domestic violence helpline - 0800 2000 247, they can tell you about services in your local area which can include one to one and group based counselling. You may benefit from group sessions with other people who have been through similar things, or you may prefer one to one support.

      There is some useful info here about how domestic abuse can impact on mental health and what support options there are as well as some helpful links.

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100360002

      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 17/12/2014

  • Jude

    17/12/2014

    I was in an abusive relationship last year. The person i dated was an alcoholic and used to get me drunk every night to sexually abuse me. This year i have tried to be in another relationship but everytime i ask a man to wait 3 months for sex he goes off and leaves me. I did say that i had been abused at the start of the relationship. Any advice on this would be appreciated. Also i worry that the person that abused me last year might bother me, i didn't report them to the police as i was too frightened.

    Jude - 17/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jude
      It's good to hear from you. I am so sorry to hear about what you went through. It sounds very traumatic and frightening.

      Firstly, this was not your fault at all. And secondly, the feelings you are experiencing are totally normal given what you have been through. Rape and other trauma and abuse can have long lasting impacts on us and can affect how we feel in future relationships.

      It is good that you have tried to put down boundaries with guys in terms of waiting to have sex, and I am really sorry that they have not respected that and waited. It must feel very upsetting. In a healthy and respectful relationship someone will be happy to support you and wait until you are ready. I promise not all guys are abusive or not prepared to wait.

      I think you would really benefit from some specialist support or counselling. The best place to go is Rape Crisis. They are a lovely charity who will listen to you, offer support and can tell you about your nearest centre where you can get counselling.

      I also hear that you are worried about him bothering you again - has he tried to do this? You can still report him if you want, that is entirely your choice. Rape crisis can talk you through how to do this and what would happen. If he does make contact you can always ring the police. Does anyone else know what happened? It can feel better and safer if people around you know such as friends and family or other people like your GP.

      You don't have to try and cope with this alone,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 20/12/2014

  • Hannah

    15/12/2014

    I am 18 have been with my boyfriend since I was 14. It was great at first then he started getting snappy and losing his temper and pushing me around for no reason. I felt so alone which is no excuse for cheating on him but I did. I kept this to myself for 2 years which I hated doing but I was scared and everytime I tried to end the relationship he wouldn't let me. I told him what I had did and i know it must be a horrible feeling for him but now 2 years later he brings it up nearly everyday. I always thought he would change because when he was nice he was really nice but when he was horrible he was the nastiest person in the world. He used to argue with me infront of my friends and call me fat and ugly and a slag infront of loads of people. He'd spit in my face and drag me around when we were out with friends. Im not saying im an angel i hit him back after he had hit me and I shouldnt of cheated in the first place. I am now pregnant as he would shout at me if i took birth control. I don't know what to do and feel so lost. I feel obligated to stay with him because i have made the mistake of cheating on him and he makes me feel guilty, even more than I already do.

    Hannah - 15/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Hannah
      Thank you for your message. It sounds like things have been hard for a long time. You have been together for ages and grown up together really, so I understand why this is so hard.

      Firstly, this is not your fault and you do not deserve the abuse. I know you feel bad about cheating on him, and although cheating is not great, you were scared of him and he would not let you leave the relationship. You were honest with him and he is still using this against you but not taking any accountability for his own behaviour.

      I have to say I am very concerned about you especially as you are pregnant. It is quite common for abusers to control access to birth control, but sometimes when women are pregnant the abuse can get worse which puts you and the baby at risk.

      It is really important that you tell people what is happening so you can get the support you need and deserve. If you are pregnant you should be seeing a doctor/midwife regularly and this may give you an opportunity to tell them what is happening. In fact, all midwives have to ask everyone if they are being abused in their relationship and they should make sure you are on your own when they ask - this is a perfect opportunity to tell someone who can help you safely.

      You can always ring the police and you can also ring the free 24 hour national domestic violence helpline on 0800 2000 247. They can give advice and tell you about local services. I am concerned that you have wanted to leave before but he has not let you, this may be even harder as you are pregnant - so your safety is really important. There are refuges that you can go to where you can live safely away from him and rebuild your life.

      I know this may sound overwhelming but the safety of you and the baby is the most important thing. You do not have to stay with him, you are not at fault here. You deserve a happy and safe life as does your child. If you do decide to leave, please get professional support and tell them what you plan to do so you can get help to leave safely. There are also some tips here: http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 15/12/2014

  • Ali

    15/12/2014

    Hi I am seeking help because I am being emotionally a used by my girlfriend who im soon marrying but emotionally blackmailed into marrying. I have been with her for 6 years we have been ok we had our little ups and downs but nothing our love couldn't overcome I grew to love her more and more she was my secondary school dream girl I loved and appreciated everything she's done for me I took part in bad stuff with my friends I have put a stop to it but she bully's me and picks on me whenever she feels like and tells me how I'm not good enough and makes me feel terribly small i faced abuse from her everyday for the past year n she would be nice to me here and there and make me feel special and promise me that things will b better when we are married I chose to believe it out of hope. I couldn't see a day without her and I need her in my life. I lived every day after that nicely but I wouldn't disagree with anything out of fear. I gave her everything I could and I bought her wedding dress and accessorys just how she wanted it I made decisions that my parents didn't even like so I don't lose her and recently she said I can't enjoy my best friend to my wedding and I couldnt take it anymore so I confronted her and I told her that I gave her everything the way she wanted it i made things how she wanted it but this is my wedding too and I deserve to have my friends there and she replied back telling me how I'm not good enough for her and she's only there because she has had sexual intercourse with me and religiously we have to be married. But that was made up I asked a guy in the mosque and he told me different so I confronted her and things went uglie so I said sorry and le it blow over. I got her brother over to tell him about this and to make her U derstand that this is depressing me and he had a go at me instead. I then said that I came to a conclusion that this can't go on and I don't want this marriage nomore and I want to leave even though it hurts me and she said it's too late we all have paid for everything and our families have prepared for it already so you have to get married to me now and I was threatened by her brother that he would kill me if I leave his sister and make up with her again I was afraid of leavin her but coming to realise I miss her somebody please help me

    Ali - 15/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ali
      Thank you for your message. I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through.

      It sounds like your girlfriend has been quite emotionally abusive and controlling over the years which is not ok. It must be very hard with the added pressure of the wedding.

      I am concerned about the threats her brother has made to you and think it is important that you get some support straight away.

      There is a really good helpline for people affected by forced marriage - I think that because of the abuse and the threats from him about what he will do if you don't go through with the marriage you should get some advice from them

      Here are their details:
      http://www.karmanirvana.org.uk/help-me/
      help line – 0800 5999 247

      The government also have a forced marriage unit which you can call on (0) 20 7008 0151.

      I also hear that you still love her and miss her. That can feel really confusing but it is understandable that you can love someone but also hate or be frightened of their behaviour. It does not sound like marrying her is the best thing for you to do, but I want you to get advice about how to leave the relationship (if that's what you want) safely .Your welfare is really important and I am concerned for your safety.

      If you are threatened or scared you can always ring the police on 999.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 17/12/2014

  • Caroline

    14/12/2014

    I think I was a victim of abuse both physical and emotional in a previous relationship that ended over a year ago. Is it too late to do anything about it?

    Caroline - 14/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Caroline

      It is never too late to do something. I am not sure if you are referring to reporting it to the police or getting some emotional support. However, in both cases it is never too late.

      You can report abuse to the police and you can find out about local support services by calling the national domestic violence helpline on 0800 2000 247 - they are open 24 hours a day. They can also talk you through what would happen if you were to report it. It can be very important to get emotional support when coping with the impacts of abuse, so do think about that too.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 17/12/2014

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