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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

HAVE YOUR SAY

Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships or ask a question to one of our trained advisors

If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board. And if you’re worried about anything to do with abuse, whether it’s in your own relationship or a friend’s, you can ask one of our trained experts for advice.

Have a read through the discussion boards, the chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.

Seen the ads? What do you think?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape

    [71 comments]

  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical

    [134 comments]

  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?

    [21 comments]

  • Emotional Abuse

    [72 comments]

  • Controlling Behaviour

    [5 comments]

  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP

    [10 comments]

  • Mandem On The Wall

    A trio of friends meet at the place they love to jam - The Wall. Tinie Winie has a new girlfriend and with advice from the Mandem crew learns how to treat her with respect. The trouble is he gets it wrong and ends up becoming someone he doesn't want to be....

    [134 comments]

  • Twist and Pulse

    Twist and Pulse visit George Mitchell school to perform their latest dance routine for the pupils and talk to them to see if they are in the know about relationships.

    [0 comments]

  • Charlie McDonnell

    Watch Charlie McDonnell’s video about Sex, and most importantly, about Consent.

    [0 comments]

  • Bedroom

    Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?

    [156 comments]

  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it

    [8 comments]

  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it

    [5 comments]

  • Sam & Alice

    [12 comments]

  • If you could see yourself

    Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

    [538 comments]

  • Zoe's story

    Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

    [538 comments]

  • Party

    Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?

    [100 comments]

  • School

    Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?

    [79 comments]

  • Takeaway

    Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?

    [169 comments]

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Experts from Young People’s Services of Respect and AVA are reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 105 - 120 of 2036

  • NW

    11/03/2014

    Hey everyone,
    I have previously wrote on here under the name ?
    At the time I was stuck in a abusive,mentally and physical relationship at the time I was finding a way out I turned to this is abuse for help, it took me a few months but I built up enough courage to get out of it and I have been free of my ex since October last year I feel a weight has been lifted and I can now be myself.

    I spent three years with my "ex" from the age of 15, he was 17 first year everything seemed fine to me, I was blinded but there was the odd you can't do that. The next two years were the worse, I was unable to see or talk to my friends, I wasn't allowed to family parties just incase there was boys there, I wasn't allowed to work with any boys being in my work that was something had to do as I was a team leader managing groups of people, I head to tell him every boy I worked with , he had my facebook password, email password and constantly checked my phone, if anything didn't go his way I would be in the receiving end of his fist, if a boy inboxed me I would get grabbed up against the wall by my neck , he would spit at me. The final straw was the punch in my face and him telling me I couldn't go out with my mum for my birthday. All this time I spent with him I wasn't allowed out, but he was he had three different social networking sites all secret to me, constantly talking to girls. He would call me a cheating fat slag if I said I. Can't take it no more he said he would tell my dad I sleep around and that real reason we broke up! He said he change but people like him never do ! He manipulated me into something that wasn't me .i was so alone unable to tell my family how bad he had got because they would hate me and I wasn't strong enough to leave, this is abuse helped me read others that was going through similar situations and made me realise that what he was doing was so wrong I didn't deserve it, it's knowing when your ready and strong enough to leave.

    NW - 11/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi NW

      It is great to hear from you again. I am so pleased to hear that you managed to safely leave such an abusive relationship and that the site helped you to do that. Reading through other people's posts on here can help you to realise you are not alone and that there is help and support out here.

      I hope that you are feeling ok now, if you do ever need it you know that you can access support anytime, as sometimes the impact of abuse can last a long time and affect us in ways we may not expect. The help pages on here will give you ideas of how to get help should you need it,

      thank you for sharing your story,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 11/03/2014

  • Lucy Richards

    10/03/2014

    i have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. we have a one year old together.
    he wont let me go anywhere that involves men. he never has i just stupidly chose to stay with him,just thinking it was a phase but it still happens now. i am not allowed to wear what he calls revealing clothes,i am already dreading summer. he forces me to have sex with him just,if i say no he shouts at me all night telling me what a crap girlfriend i am so i give in just keep the peace.
    i have hit him when my baby was very young because if a built up of frustration but have not since. he said he will hurtt a member of my family if i end it

    Lucy Richards - 10/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lucy,
      Thanks for getting in touch. I’m sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. Your relationship is emotionally and sexually abusive. Many people think that if they are in a relationship then they should never say no to sex. This is not true, everyone has the right to say no to sex even if it’s with our partner and if we are forced into having sex then this is rape.
      Leaving an abusive relationship is very hard for victims to do and more so when there is children involved. However there are services who can offer advice and support such as www.womensaid.org.uk or you can contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (freephone 24hrs).
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 11/03/2014

  • Laura

    10/03/2014

    I have been in a relationship for 9 years. We got engaged last year although we haven't started planning yet. My partner can have a short temper and will often get cross with me for little things. Until now I have put up with it because I dislike confrontation. I have always had low self-esteem and used to be incredibly shy, and still can be a bit of a doormat- he will get angry because I don't stand up to friends and because of how I let my family take advantage. I thought was fine because I can see that it upsets him when people treat me badly and it shows he cares about me. The other night after we had both been drinking we got into an argument over family matters and he got incredibly angry with me, calling me names. We had friends staying so I couldn't simply leave the room and we are living abroad so I have nowhere else to go. This outburst scared me - although he wasn't really physically aggressive I felt scared, and got so upset that I had a panic attack. This seemed to make him realise what he was doing and he was then very upset and becoming increasingly distraught, trying to calm me down and saying how sorry he is and ashamed of himself. At the time (it was very late and we had been drinking) I did eventually calm down from hyperventilating and he seemed genuinely shocked at his actions. He was even more upset when I said I thought he was going to hurt me, and broke down. Now I don't know what to do because I love him and he has never been like this before, it is very out of character but I worry that it will happen again and I should have seen it coming (if it did happen again I would leave and I have said this quite categorically). I'm feeling confused because I'm not sure what to do- on one hand I know that it is not normal for him to be like this and alcohol was a factor. On another, I know that a person has to have the capacity for this kind of behaviour and therefore alcohol is no reason for it. And in the back of my mind is remembering actual abuse victims stories and how often they say that it begun in this way and they should have seen it before. And then I feel terrible to be thinking about my partner in this way and am I being unreasonable? He is a wonderful partner most of the time and before this incident I couldn't wait to marry him. Now I have a little voice in my head saying he can't be trusted.

    Laura - 10/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Laura,
      Thanks for your message. It seems as though you have not felt comfortable speaking out about your partner’s behaviour and have minimised this as him having a short temper, yet this is the very same thing your partner gets angry with you over for you not standing up to family and friends. Therefore he should recognise his behaviour as being unhealthy and hurtful towards you. Alcohol is never an excuse when it comes to domestic abuse no matter if you had also been drinking.
      Many abusive relationships start off with verbal or emotional abuse which can really affect ort self-esteem and over time it is highly likely that this abuse will escalate into physical abuse. There are times when abusers will be the perfect partner and make us feel special however this never lasts and they often change back into the old controlling ways. The fact that your felt scared and your reaction resulted in a panic attack is really worrying and I suggest that you contact www.womensaid.org.uk or contact the National Domestic Helpline 0808 2000 247 who will be able to offer you advice and support.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 11/03/2014

  • kash

    10/03/2014

    Married someone who had been abused at the age of 16-25. His abuser befriended his whole family including me (the wife). If you ever saw her you would never imagine her doing anything bad. She blackmailed him, and would not let him get married or have a relationship, yet she herself was married, had 2 kids and in the the eyes of the world led a very normal life.

    We got married (arranged) and she'd come round and dress like me to get him back. He turned to drink, drugs, and took it all out on me. He wanted sex 4/5 times a day and drove me crazy. He didn't tell me until we split up.

    What worries me now is that this lady is working in a primary school somewhere? I know where she lives, and she needs help? He needs help too. Where do we go?

    kash - 10/03/2014

    Reply

    • Hi Kash,

      Thanks for getting in touch. I’m sorry to hear that you’re ex partner has experienced such abuse. Many people think that abuse can only happen to women but males can also be victims and be effected just the same. Domestic abuse is traumatic to deal with and for many males they feel isolated and unaware of any support services available to them. You need to continue to offer your support and your ex-partner needs to make the decisions in what he feels he should do.
      I would suggest your ex-partner contact www.mensadviceline.org.uk who will be able to offer him advice and support.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 11/03/2014

  • Kadie

    10/03/2014

    Hello,
    So a few weeks back I went on a date, and we decided to go back to his house and I did consent to sex. I know what Sexual abuse/rape is because I've experienced it before but this is a little different and I'd like some advice please.

    Anyway, He was very aggressive though sex and after a while I became very tender, and at some point I asked him to stop. He said he was nearly done, and despite my cries in pain he carried on, I asked him to stop a few times more before I had to call out in a semi aggressive tone "Please stop right now its really hurting!!". At that point he did stop. I just got dressed and went to bed (as I was staying at his that night). I'm curious as to where this is within the rape/sexual abuse or over sensitivity of me? I've not discussed it with anyone. I did say to him afterwards I felt a little pressured to have sex despite consenting, because the minute we entered his room he literally pushed me onto the bed and put all of his weight on top of me. I told him the next day by text I felt pressured and he disregarded it, he didn't seem to be bothered by it, but in the same respect we haven't spoken since and he found any excuse to avoid me.
    It really has weighed heavily on my mind, and it isnt like I can take or would want to take any legal action through this incident, I would just like to know someone elses/other peoples opinions please... Thank you.

    Kadie - 10/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Kadie,
      Thanks for your message. I understand that you gave your consent but it sounds as though you felt very pressured to do so as he seemed to leave you with no choice. Everyone has the right to say no to sex even during sex we should feel able to say no at any point but by you having to repeat this a number of times means that he was not respecting your wishes.
      I would recommend you contact www.rapecrisis.org.uk or contact the national helpline 0808 802 9999 they can offer advice and support.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 11/03/2014

  • alice

    09/03/2014

    Heya my boyfriend got accused of rape by a girl when we first got into a relationship a huge police investigation went out but after 5 months they dropped the case because the girl didn;t come out and tell anyone for 4 months so there was to DNA nothing and he broke down in the police station and for his health because his brother just died they decided there was no point keeping the case open but as are relationship went on i realised he was capable of it when i use to watch tv at his house he use to pull my trousers down and say awe baby it will be fine and i use to say no like 10 times and he use to carry on trying putting me threw pain cause i'm a virgin he hit me once but it was because i excidently hurt him first we never had sex but is it classed as abuse

    alice - 09/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Alice,
      Thanks for your message. Everyone has the right to say no to have sex and you should never feel any pressure to do anything you don’t want to do. Sex without a person giving their consent is rape, no matter if you are in a relationship or not. Your partner should respect your wishes and wait until you feel ready. Having sex comes with consequences such as pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Your partner sounds abusive and I suggest that you contact www.rapecrisis.org.uk they offer support and information and specific advice for people under 18.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team - 11/03/2014

  • Tara

    09/03/2014

    I had a boyfriend for 3 years. I was 13 and he 18 when we first had sex but I wasn't ready. I didn't tell him because I thought that's what people who love each other do. Since then every time we had sex, he was repulsive to me I didn't want to but I didn't tell him a thing. He was very obsessive calling me at least 20 times a day, wanting to spend all my free time with him. He once took a picture of me naked, I was confused but still didn't say a thing. I just trusted him. He forbid me to meet up with all my friends and back then I listened to him. He never yelled at me or hit me, he was jealous very often but that was it. In the end for 3 years I grew up and it hit me, this is not a normal relationship in which the girl doesn't want to be touched at all by the boy and I put an end to it. I am not sure if this is exactly an abuse. I believe we both have guilt.

    Tara - 09/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Tara,

      Thanks for sharing your experience, it sounds like it was really tough for you to come forward and talk about this.

      The way that your partner behaved was completely unacceptable, whether you gave consent or not, being under the age of sixteen your partner's actions are considered as rape. This would be even more so because he was 18 and would be seen as having the capacity to gage that this was wrong.

      Although he didn't use any physical violence, it sounds like there was abuse taking place and this is evident in the isolation that you felt when he stopped you seeing your friends.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to someone a little more about what has happened, as well as your current situation. It would be really helpful to have some more details from you. If you would like to talk about the sexual acts then you can call Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999. Alternatively, you can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can also talk to us on our live chat service, which runs Monday to Friday 5pm until 7pm.

      I want you to be aware that there are lots of options available for you, and lots of services that will offer you support. However, these are your choices to make, and nobody is going to force you to do anything that you do not want to do.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 10/03/2014

  • Katie

    09/03/2014

    So last summer I met this guy, he was my age and a friend of friends. We really close over summer and would meet up etc. I soon met all his main mates and he met mine, they seemed alright. Then stuff happened on snapchat. I regret it now but know he hasn't still got them because I have seen his phone.
    We carried on talking for a while but then he would be distant. We stopped talking and now he only talks to me when he wants photos or to meet my friends. I don't snapchat him anymore and don't go see him but if I see him around its hard, I put my head down and walk away. I have no self confidence and I find it really hard to talk to people now. I can't help but block people out I always have my wall up cause of him. he used me for photos and would sweet talk me and use stuff I told him against me to try and get them. I just feel lost within who I am and don't see me having much of a future. I just wondered is this abuse?

    Katie - 09/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Katie

      Thank you for your message. That does sound like an abusive situation where he was manipulating you to get the photos and if you did not want to would then use things you had told him to get you to do what he wanted. This is abusive and not ok. If you are under 18 it is also illegal to have those images.

      Have you told anyone about what happened?
      I think it is best to block him online and to not give in to any of his requests for photos or to meet up.
      There is some info and advice on these sites that might help:

      http://www.childline.org.uk/explore/onlinesafety/pages/sexting.aspx

      http://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/14_plus/Need-advice/

      I understand that you now feel lost and have lost your confidence. That is normal after what you have been through. It will really help to talk things through with someone, maybe someone at school that you trust? Or you can also call childline who speak to lots of people who have been through something similar. We also have a live chat here every mon-fri between 5 and 7pm.

      It may also be an idea to get some counselling which your GP can refer you to. You don't need to tell the GP all the details.

      Try not to think that this will ruin your future, it seems like he has deleted the images and hopefully no one else has seen them. It may feel hard to trust people in the future and while it is good to be wary, most boys will not treat you like this. The sites above also have info on what to do if anything like this happens again and how to cope with the pressure.

      This was not your fault, he pressured you and manipulated you. It's good that you are looking for support now so that you can rebuild your life and try to move on from this,
      I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • CHRISTINE

    09/03/2014

    I have just finished a 7months relationship,
    I always thought he would change but it never did!
    I was kept in my home like a prisoner towards the end.. Any txt phone call he would check. I couldnt go shopping on my own or even join slimming world, When i tried to finish he would always have a knife by his wrist throat..
    He threatened to come to the house with hammer and machettee cause we finished. He has a restraining order and bail to stay away from me. so happy ive got my life back.. Just 7months being with him was a nightmare!!

    CHRISTINE - 09/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Christine,

      Thanks for sharing your experience, it sounds like it was really dangerous and must have been very scary for you.

      I'm really glad you followed through with the justice system and that there are legal sanctions in place to keep you safe at the moment. Something to consider is what is in place to address your emotional wellbeing. If you feel like you need additional support then plase do contact the national helpline on 0808 8000 247. they will be able to tell you what services are available in your area.

      I'm really glad that you are out of the relationship, and really hope there is support in place for you.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • Kim

    09/03/2014

    In October I was to find out that my husband of 6.5 years had used me for an immigration marriage fraud...he had presented as a widower with three children. When in fact he was very much married and has 5 children. Two born after I married him. To understand the total deception and lies every single day. To know that he was having sex with his other wife...it defies belief. He left me having obtained his UK Citizenship and clearing out my bank account. I feel emotionally, physically and financially raped. This is bigamy...and I now count 5 wives in total between 2002 and 2007. Who knows what the status of these marriages are! So am I alone..........no....through Stop UK Marriage Fraud I have heard many similar stories. Should those involved in this sort of crime be identified and listed....without doubt yes but unfortunately many of these crimes are reported to UKBA who does not have the systems and processes in place to work with the Police. These abusers just go on to target other men and women.

    Kim - 09/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Kim,

      Thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds like an awful situation, and I am really glad you have found an agency to support you at this time. However, if you would like to talk to us about this a little bit more then you are welcome to join us on our Live Chat function that is running Monday to Friday 5pm until 7pm,

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • Ro

    08/03/2014

    I've just remembered that when I was 4 or 5 I was sexually abused by my big sister when we shared our baths. Now we both have babies and I'm freaking out. I don't know what to do because if I tell our parents it would destroy our family and I'm scared that they won't believe me. My sisters not the nicest of people anyway but who would believe that she did such vile things to her own sister. I feel sick and I'm pretty sure if I remember it, so will she. I don't want to upset anyone and if I've repressed it for so long, everyone will surely think I'm making it up or I would have told everyone years ago

    Ro - 08/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ro,

      Thanks for coming forward and talking about this, it must be really tough for you.

      It is never acceptable for anybody to perform sexual acts on us that we do not want, and at the age of 4 or 5 there is no way that we can give consent.

      It must be really tough having carried this with you for so many years. I think it would be really helpful to talk through this with a professional. It may be helpful to speak to somebody like Rape Crisis, their telephone number is 0808 802 9999. Alternatively, you could explore this a little bit more with us on our live chat service that we are running Monday to Friday, 5pm until 7pm. Another option available is to look at what support you may receive through counselling in your local area.

      I really hope you access some support.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • Sophie

    08/03/2014

    Hi i am 23 years old and i have kept a dark secret for years. I was confused and wasn't sure what to do as the years have gone by ive kept it to myself and i finally plucked up the courage to tell my mum that my brother used to sexually abuse me while my mum was at work. She believes me but has told me just to forget about it as it was years ago and there's nothing the police can do as there isn't any evidence. Its torn our family apart some think in lying and it hurts alot to think they think id lie about something like this. I don't know what to do maybe i should have just said nothing but it made me feel sick the more i see him and realised he was 4 years older than me and shouldn't have don't it to me. I feel sick and lost :(

    Sophie - 08/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Sophie,

      Thanks for getting in touch. I'm really glad you have come forward to talk about your experience. It must have been really tough for you.

      I think something to consider at the moment is that whether you go to the Police or not, it has still had a huge impact on your life and you will need support for this. There are some great services out there that will be able to offer you practical and emotional support. They won't force you to go to the Police, but will give you all the options available for you.

      It might be really helpful to talk to someone like Rape Crisis, their number is 0808 802 9999.

      Something important to keep in mind is that it is not your fault. Your brother chose to behave that way, and by not accessing any support you are causing more damage to yourself. If it were somebody outside of your family then it would be seen completely differently, and you may act in a completely different way.

      I think the best thing for you at the moment is to talk about your options with a professional. Nobody is going to force you to do something you don't want to do.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • adaobi

    08/03/2014

    He hits me force me tu have sex with him and lock me up in the house

    adaobi - 08/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi adaobi

      This is very serious and very concerning. Are you able to call the police on 999 - they will be able to protect you.

      You can also call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Does anyone else know what is happening? If you can tell people that will help to keep you safer, it can be anyone you trust - family, teacher, doctor etc and they can help you.

      We also have a live chat here every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you are able to get online to talk to us.

      You have done the right thing by looking for support, so please do contact people who can help you, you do not have to cope with this alone and you deserve to be safe and protected,
      take care and please let us know how you are,
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • HJ

    07/03/2014

    The "Your Questions" page says this "MY BOYFRIEND SAYS EVERYONE IS HAVING SEX BUT I STILL DON'T FEEL READY. " Surely this is only fuelling the belief that that only girls can be abused. Surely girls are also likely to want to take a loving relationship to the next level.

    HJ - 07/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi HJ,

      Thanks for you comment. It is a valid point. However, research shows that young women are far note likely to feel pressured in to sex than young men. That's not to say young men do not feel pressured in to having sex. However, young men are far more likely to feel pressured in to having sex by their peers rather than their partner.

      However, if you feel that you have had an experience that you would like to talk about then please do use our live chat service, which runs from the website Monday to Friday 5pm until 7pm.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • Ashley

    06/03/2014

    My boyfriend and I were arguing in his car. I was telling him how he never lets me or anyone else have an opinion or a voice and what he says is always correct and final... He slammed the car to a stop on the lanes and ordered me to get out repeatedly and then speeded off. It was about 45 mins walk from my house but the lanes were unlit and pitch black, and had no pavement or grass verge so I was forced to go back the way I came and walk the long way around which takes over two hours to get home. He came back for me but I was too scared and upset to get back in the car. I walked about 3 miles until I decided it was okay to get back in. He said sorry and bought me a take away. He snaps like this often but it's my fault because I've made him angry. He's just impossible to please. I don't know what to do.

    Ashley - 06/03/2014

    Reply

    • Dear Ashley,

      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of courage to admit that things in your relationship are not right and reach out for help. There is support out there, you don’t have to cope on your own with these feelings.

      From what you write it sounds like your boyfriend is being emotionally abusive to you frequently, losing his temper over nothing and doing things that and put you at risk. You obviously feel uneasy about this as you have posted here. What is happening in your relationship is not ok and it’s not your fault. You partner may try to say that you are to blame for his outbursts and actions but you are not. He is choosing to act the way that he does. There is nothing you can do to make him behave in another way – only he can do that

      Have you spoken about this with anyone? Do you have anyone in your life you trust? Friends or family? If you cannot talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to give you support and advice and help you decide how best to keep yourself safe.

      We also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you want to discuss this more with one of our advisors.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 07/03/2014

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Results: 105 - 120 of 2036

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Don't write everything in CAPS – it's the equivalent of shouting and isn't polite or easy for everyone to read.

Don't post entire messages in text speak – it's ok to shorten some words but not everyone understands text speak or finds it easy to read.

It's ok to post links to other websites as long as they're relevant to the "This Is Abuse" debate and don't break the house rules in any way.

Don't break copyright rules. This means that you shouldn't post text you didn't write.

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