This is ABUSE

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YOUR QUESTIONS

Worried about abuse in your relationship?

Young people have asked questions about abuse within their relationships, they may have been through something similar to you and the responses may help give you advice on your own relationship.

If you have any questions about abuse, or you are in an abusive relationship, or you just want to talk to someone, there are specialist organisations that can help you. Visit the Need Help section and you can contact people who can give you help and support.

Watch these videos to spot the signs of abuse within relationships

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Results: 105 - 120 of 2291

  • Dayna

    13/01/2015

    I have been friends with this boy for roughly 5 years. We weren't exactly "close" as he was "popular" and I wasnt. But we spoke every now and then. Once we both had left school, he asked to meet me and see if I wanted to go to the cinema.. I agreed and we did met. However, it didn't turn out the way it had planned for me. I was being pressured into giving oral sex.. I said no and explained how it wouldn't be right.. I went there with the intention of just becoming good friends and getting to know eachother more. In the end o felt forced into doing something I hadnt wanted to do. Is this abuse?

    Dayna - 13/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Dayna

      I am sorry to hear about what happened. This is definitely abusive. If he forced you to give him oral sex then this is actually rape.

      I am not sure when this happened, but whether it was yesterday or years ago you are entitled to support and help. You can report it to the police if you want to - that is your choice. Even if you don't want to do that, you can get support from rape crisis who can listen and help you. They can also tell you about local services if you want more help:
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline
      0808 802 9999
      12 - 2.30pm
      7 - 9.30pm


      What happened was not your fault. Abuse of any kind can really affect us so it is important to get support.
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/01/2015

  • J

    12/01/2015

    I've been in my relationship for 1 year and 5 months, it's my first relationship and I'm 18. The past 7 months he's gotten very physical towards me, we argue and he blames it all on me and that it's my fault. He will pin me down, head but me, punch my head and various parts of my body, he's lent against my neck so hard I've struggled to breathe, he calls me horrible names then brings my family into the situation. I'm not allowed to wear certain clothes, I can't go out with certain friends let alone go out at all. I still have some faith in this relationship though, I feel like he will grow out of this. It's happened about 10 times in these 7 months, all blamed on me after. I have to lie for him all the time, he makes me feel worthless compared to other girls, I feel like I have to be perfect for him and I can't do or say anything otherwise he will hurt me. Someone moves their arms now in front of me and I flinch or jump back because I feel they're going to hurt me. I know it's not right and I know I should probably get out of This relationship but it seems normal and a part of me really wants to stay with him still, I just don't know what to do

    J - 12/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi J

      I am really glad you got in touch - I know how hard it can be to tell someone what is going on.

      I don't want to scare or upset you but what you are describing is very serious abuse. I am concerned for your welfare. He is using high levels of physical violence as well as controlling you and isolating you from your friends.

      I want you to understand that this is not your fault in anyway. You do not have to be perfect - no one is, and he should not expect that. Abuse in relationships is not normal.

      I am concerned for your safety and I want you to try to tell people what has been going on - do you feel able to tell your family? Or someone at college/work/your doctor? It is really important that other people know what is happening. It will help you to talk and it will keep you safer.

      You can also call the police at any time on 999 and you can call the free confidential national domestic violence helpline anytime on 0808 2000 247. They can listen and support you, talk you through your options and tell you about local services. You can also search for your local support service using your postcode here: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/azrefuges.asp?section=00010001000800060002&itemTitle=A-Z+of+services

      This is some important information about keeping safe:

      http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      I know that part of you wants to stay in the relationship, and only you can make that choice, however the abuse is very serious and unfortunately that is only likely to get worse rather than better. If you do decide to leave, it is important to do so safely (see advice in link above) and do not do it on your own with him. You may also need to change your phone number and not go out alone where he may be.

      I know this sounds scary and overwhelming but you have done the right thing by telling us. Please take the next step and tell other people around you. It's so hard as it's your first relationship but I promise you that most relationships are not abusive. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

      you can come back here anytime to talk more too,

      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/01/2015

  • Leila

    11/01/2015

    On New Years Eve, I arrange to go to this guys house that I had been talking to on and off for 4 months. When I got there, he took me upstairs and pushed me down on the bed straight away and dived on top of me, I tried to push him off but I couldn't so he strangled me and started kissing me and trying to take my clothes off. I managed to get him off and I stood up and started picking my stuff up but he grabbed my arm and hit me, took down his trousers and made me give him oral sex. After, he threw me out his house as his mum came home early. Thank God.

    I told a close friend and he thinks i am making it up for attention and called me a psycho because I haven't told the police. The reason for this is that there is no evidence as my marks have gone and I don't think I could ever put myself through it as I never have to see this guy again as he lives far from me and goes to a different college. This hurt me a lot, and now I darent tell anybody else in case they think the same.

    Leila - 11/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Leila
      I am so glad you got in touch. What happened to you must have been really frightening.
      Firstly, you need to know that this was not your fault in any way. I am really sorry that your friend was not more supportive.

      What he did was very abusive, you made it clear that you did not want to have sex but he forced you and used physical abuse to control you. By forcing you to give him oral sex, this is rape.

      It is your decision as to whether you want to report this to the police and even though the marks have gone, you still can report it and they have a duty to investigate. I know how daunting this is though but not matter what I think you need to talk to someone who will understand and can support you.
      I think it would be a good idea to contact rape crisis who are a lovely charity who can listen and advise you. They can also tell you about local services.
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline
      0808 802 9999 from 12 - 2.30pm and 7 - 9.30pm

      They can also talk you through what would happen if you did choose to report it but they will treat what you say confidentially and not make you report if you don't want to.

      This was not your fault and you have done nothing wrong, but your welfare is important and rape can have long lasting impacts so please do get some support,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2015

  • gem

    10/01/2015

    I have been with my partner for 10 years now and have 3 young children and expecting my 4th. Recently my partner has became very reliant on alcohol and has started being very abusive towards me although he hasn't hit me as such only pulled my hair, pushed and shoved and spat jn my face. However, the kids are seeing him drunk more and more and he keeps taking all our money and going on binges that can last anywhere up to 2 or 3 days all the while myself and the children have to live on handouts from my mam or nothing. I am now up to my eyeballs in debt that is all in my name and i cannot work as my children are so young. He constantly promises the kids things and then lets them down. It is a joint tenancy on the house so I cannot even ask him to leave and I cannot call the police because social services will become involved. My mental health is suffering badly as I have been living with depress for several years and I'm no longer taking my medication because he makes fun of me taking meds. I long to be away from him but feel like I'll be stuck like this forever as I don't even have friends or family I can stay with. I know I'll be so much better off on my own with my children, we will be so much happier.

    gem - 10/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Gem
      I am so glad you got in touch, it sounds like you have had to cope with a huge amount on your own and it is time you got the support you deserve.

      Firstly, abuse is never ok and alcohol use is not an excuse. The welfare of you and your children has to be the priority, especially as you are pregnant again.

      The good news is there are places that can help you.

      In terms of coping with his substance use and violence, Adfam are a brilliant charity who support families where someone is using substances http://www.adfam.org.uk/families
      This link has a postcode search so you can look for local services and there is also a list of helpline numbers.
      http://www.adfam.org.uk/families/find_a_local_support_group/call_a_helpline

      You can also ring the national domestic violence helpline - it is free and open 24 hours a day - 0808 2000 247 - they can give you advice and tell you about more local services.

      In terms of the debt, have you tried talking to the citizens advice bureau? They are trained in giving advice about debt and also understand how domestic violence affects people and finances, they can also help with housing - you can find your nearest one here - http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/about_this_site/get_advice.htm

      Shelter also have a helpline where you can get free housing advice - 0808 800 4444 - it's open 8am–8pm on weekdays and 8am–5pm on weekends

      I think you would also benefit from some legal advice. Rights of women are brilliant and give free, confidential legal advice. They can talk you through your options -
      http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

      For women in England and Wales
      Call 020 7251 6577
      Monday 7-9pm, Tuesday 7-9pm, Wednesday 7-9pm, Thursday 7-9pm, Friday 12-2pm
      For women in London
      Call 020 7608 1137
      Monday 11am-1pm, Tuesday 2-4pm, Wednesday 2-4pm

      I am also concerned about your mental health and that you have come off your medication. Can you go back to your doctor and tell them what has been going on? It is important that you get the care that you need and your health is really important. Mental health can be hugely affected by abuse.

      There are lots of options, even though you have a joint tenancy and children together. The most important thing is your safety and wellbeing and all of the organisations I have told you about can help. I know it may feel overwhelming but this is the first stage of your journey towards the happy life you deserve and want.

      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2015

  • Hazel

    07/01/2015

    Hi Ive been in my relationship for 5 years at first was good, after the first year he is bad tempered punches things blames me for things that go wrong, calls me soft when I get upset. Swears at me, blames me for not listening, thinks everyone has a personnel vendetta towards him, I cant get out of the house to get away for a few hours, he follows me, or he wont let me leave. I have tried to leave but he stands in my way I can work so have no money and nowhere to go my boys live in the upstairs flat so cant leave.

    Hazel - 07/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Hazel

      This sounds very abusive - both physically and emotionally. He is controlling you and isolating you from anyone that can help.

      As you were able to write to us, are you able to use the internet or the phone to get help? You can ring the police on 999 anytime, and you can also ring the national domestic violence helpline 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247. They can give you support and advice. They can also tell you about local services and also refuges where you can go to live safely. I am not sure how old your children are but they may be able to go with you.

      Here are some tips on keeping safe in the meantime.
      http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      You don't have to cope with this alone, there is a lot of support here for you. Abuse is very serious and it is important to try to get the help you need and deserve. You can always contact us again too.

      Take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 09/01/2015

  • Paula

    07/01/2015

    I'm not sure if there are routes for abusive behaviour which is verbal and mental within a family. The behaviour of one member (influencing a child too) is so engrained that there won't be a change. I can remove myself from that relationship - and have - rather than absorb any more of it but there is still a trail of damage and unjustified comments / statements that function as nothing other than abuse - let them speak for themselves maybe?

    Paula - 07/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Paula

      I am not sure if you are talking about a relationship with a partner or a family member.
      It can be very hard when someone is being abusive, especially if children are involved.

      If it is a partner you are concerned about you can call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247.
      If it is a family member you can call Family lives http://www.familylives.org.uk/ 0808 800 2222 They also have a live chat and email service.

      I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/01/2015

  • NOname??

    07/01/2015

    He never hits me or calls me names, and he has bipolar and ADHD, but he snaps at me a lot if we are over the phone or skyping, and he makes me feel unloved... If I'm with him sometimes he'll accidently grab me too hard, and he apoligizes... I've struggled with abuse in the past that was sexual abuse, but he kinda acts like the others from the past time to time... I have a gret relationship and I don't want to ruin it with this... but I need to know what's going on and why I feel this way.......

    NOname?? - 07/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi
      Thanks for your message.
      I am sorry that you are finding things hard, it can be really hard when you have had an abusive relationship in the past to not worry about it in current relationships.

      Having bipolar and adhd are not excuses for being abusive but I understand they can affect how people behave. However, abuse is a choice. Have you spoken to him about how his behaviour makes you feel? It sounds like some of the things he does are triggering really upsetting memories and feelings from your past relationships.

      It's hard to say if what he is doing is abusive or not. without more info. I would try and talk to him and also talk to your friends and family as well so they know what is going on.

      Healthy relationships are based on love and respect and that is exactly what you deserve.
      It may also be useful for you to talk to someone about what happened in your last relationship. Sexual abuse is very traumatic and can have huge impacts on us and how we feel in future relationships.
      You can call rape crisis - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline
      0808 802 9999

      or the national domestic violence helpline (24hours) 0808 2000 247 to get support and find out about local support or your GP can refer you for counselling.

      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/01/2015

  • Jack

    06/01/2015

    Hello there...

    My friend is currently in what i believe to be in an abusive relationship, as has been for a number of months.

    I first noticed it when she told me she had to be careful what she was saying, as her boyfriend was continuously checking her phone. Now its gotten a lot worse..... Shes not allowed to speak to me and it looks like she avoids me, when i get texts from her it tells me to "F*** off" which i believe is her boyfriend saying so, she's forced to never talk to the parents of her last boyfriend (he passed away last year), and all i ever see from her is "I LOVE YOU *THIS PERSON* XXXXXXXX I DONT WANNA LOSE YOU"........ me and this person gotten really close, almost like brother and sister, and now i havent heard from her in months.

    I feel its my fault though. When her old boyfriend died, we became friends, talked 24/7 and she developed a crush on me.... we even kissed once..... but when i told her i wasnt ready to go out or be in a relationship,, i think i must have driven her away. I was going through serious depression and anxiety so i didnt know where my head was at. So i think its my fault, and i feel so guilty.

    Me and my other friends have been continuously talking about how to sort this out, but unfortunately its been "all say, no do". Theres just no way we can interfere without putting her in danger, and that makes me angry as all i want to do is to save her from this nightmare.

    I just dont know what to do anymore....... i miss her.....

    Jack - 06/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Jack
      I am really glad you got in touch and your friend is lucky to have you looking out for her.

      Firstly I want to say that this is in no way your fault. You were not ready for a relationship and that is absolutely fine. The way this guy is behaving is his responsibility and no one else's.

      It can be really hard knowing that someone you care about is being abused, and it can be difficult to know what to do for the best, I am glad that you have other friends around that you are talking to about this.

      I know you don't want to make things worse for her but the only way for things to get better and to keep her safe is to tell people and get help.
      I am not sure how old you all are but you can tell someone like a teacher, doctor, parent - anyone you trust to help. Is there anytime when you see her without him around? I am not sure if you are at school/college together or not?

      Here is a leaflet I wrote which might help as it is aimed at people worried about their friends:
      http://www.avaproject.org.uk/media/54339/mates%20ava%20final.pdf

      I really urge you to tell someone as this is serious and your friend needs help. You can also call the police or the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 anytime.

      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 09/01/2015

  • Leigh

    04/01/2015

    Hey

    This might sound a bit silly but I'm not sure whether you would class this as abuse or whether I'm overreacting? I split up with my boyfriend recently because of too many arguments, but since then he has started rather vicious rumours that I have been sleeping with people behind his back when I definitely haven't. He says that he's got evidence and proof off one of my 'friends' and he taunts me by refusing to tell me who I've apparently done it with or who told him about it. It's been driving me insane, his only answer to any of the questions I ask is 'you know' when I quite clearly don't. Not only has this been happening, but he and his friends have been posting about me being an 'unloyal hoe' and turning people against me because I can't defend myself when I don't know who or what I'm supposed to have done! He's taken it a step to far now by proceeding to open talk out our sex life on social media sites and tell other people lies about our sex life, this had all been going on now for about a week and it's mentally draining me...I don't really know what to do.

    Leigh - 04/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Leigh

      That sounds really horrible and I am not surprised you are upset and confused. What he is doing is emotionally abusive and controlling. It must feel awful to have him spreading these rumours, especially when you can't defend yourself. It sounds like he is trying to hurt you after ending the relationship which is no ok at all.

      I would suggest blocking him and his friends on social media. If he is posting things about you on social media sites you can report the posts and ask the website to remove them.
      You can also contact childline on 0800 1111 and they can help you through this and also help you get the stuff taken down: http://www.childline.org.uk/explore/onlinesafety/Pages/Sexting.aspx (this link is about sexting which is more to do with sharing images but the principle is the same).

      It would also be a good idea to tell people around you what has been happening, can you talk to a teacher at school?

      Please do get some help with this as you do not deserve this, you have done nothing wrong and you don't have to try to cope alone,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 09/01/2015

  • Shantelle

    01/01/2015

    I was at a social event with a group of university friends, I met this guy who was 27 and I was 19. I got drunk with my friends and started to dance with the guy. He asked me whether I could come to his flat and I agreeded, the he asked me whether I wanted to have sex with him, I said no because I had a fiancé at the time. The guy forced himself on to me and said 'just tell your fiancé it was a one night stand'. I did tell him that so the guy who raped me wouldn't hurt me again. I told my fiancé that I was raped because I couldn't remember what had happened on that night but he and his family didn't believe. They think I'm crazy and they hate me because they thought I had a one night stand. I have self harmed and tried to kill myself, I think I need some professional help.

    Shantelle - 01/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Shantelle

      I am so very sorry to hear that you were raped. That is a awfully traumatic and abusive thing to happen to you.
      It sounds like you did everything you could and you are not to blame. Even if you had wanted to have sex, legally you could not consent as you were drunk so it still would have been rape - but you were very clear that you did not want to.

      I am so sorry that your fiance and his family don't believe you, that is awful as it takes such courage to tell someone what happened and being believed is so important. I understand why you are so upset but I am very concerned that you have self-harmed and tried to kill yourself. This is very serious. If you feel like this again I want you to get help straight away - you can ring the samaritans 24 hours a day on 08457 90 90 90 http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us or email: jo@samaritans.org

      Or Papyrus help people under 35 who self harm or are suicidal.

      https://www.papyrus-uk.org/
      Call: 0800 068 41 41 - Mon-Fri: 10am-10pm, weekends & bank holidays: 2pm-5pm
      Email: pat@papyrus-uk.org
      SMS: 07786 209697

      Please do talk to them, you can also go to your local A&E department.

      In terms of the rape, I think it is important that you get support to cope with what happened. The best people to talk to are Rape Crisis who are lovely and can offer you support, advice and tell you about local services:

      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline
      0808 802 9999
      12 - 2.30pm
      7 - 9.30pm

      What happened to you was rape and was not your fault. You deserve support and love, I hope these services are able to help you,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 07/01/2015

  • One

    31/12/2014

    This will probably sound like a stupid question, and I'm not sure that I've worded it well, so please bear with me...

    I would consider that a relationship where the man repeatedly has non-consensual sex with the woman (i.e. rapes her) would always be considered abusive by definition - regardless of the exact nature of the rape (e.g. violent or otherwise).

    Would you agree?

    One - 31/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      Thanks for your message, it is not stupid at all and it's always good to ask if you are unsure about anything.

      Rape is rape. This is regardless of whether you know the person, are in a relationship with them or if they are a stranger. It is rape whether there is accompanying violence or not. If someone does not have your consent but they continue to have sex with you then that is rape.

      Also, you do not have to say 'no' to not give your consent.
      There is some more info about this here -
      http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assault/consent
      and
      http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assault

      I am not sure if this has happened to you or not, but if so the best thing to do would be to talk to rape crisis who can support you -
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline
      0808 802 9999
      12 - 2.30pm
      7 - 9.30pm

      Rape is very abusive and very traumatic and can have long lasting impacts on all areas of our lives, so it is best to get support as you do not have to cope with this alone.

      I hope this helps, come back anytime if you have more questions,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 02/01/2015

  • Anonymous

    29/12/2014

    Great article, totally what I needed.

    Anonymous - 29/12/2014

    Reply
  • Victoria

    28/12/2014

    I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years which is hard for me to get my head around as when I first met him he was the perfect partner, thoughtful, loving, good looking, from a good family etc etc. The abuse was largely emotional and at first he'd turn it around on me and be jealous of my friends and family saying I didn't need him. He then started getting angry very easily and although he didn't really hit me directly he began pushing me around. This was followed by threats to kill himself and then, when I started talking about separating, threats to take our child away. I finally made the decision to leave after a series of revelations that he was a drug addict, serial cheat and serial debtor. On top of that he spent 24 hours making threats to kill himself and me and my children (one unborn) resulting in me giving birth prematurely. I have been separated and divorced for over two years but he has continued to harass and threaten me and my family. A lot of this was subtle and aimed at my care of the children and my mental state therefore the police have been reluctant to get involved however I was able to get a harassment notice issued against him. There is a contact order in place pursuant to which he gets generous contact however he is now taking me to court because he alleges that I withhold contact something which is wholly untrue. He has also found out that the harrassment notice expired after 12 months and is requesting as part of his court application that I have direct contact with him - for the sake of the children or so he says however I am very uncomfortable with this. Every Christmas since we separated he has made an application to the court in respect of the children - pretty much all based on his wanting contact to increase or a vexatious claim against me. Although I have a very good support network and a good job I support two children alome and can't afford legal representation at the next hearing as it is happening at the beginning of January - he doesn't pay child maintenance even though he is working (nor can the child maintenance service order he pays as he has also made an application for benefits which gives him a nil assessment). I also don't find that the courts want to get involved where there is a history of drugs or abuse and just see the view that children need a relationship with their father - a position I don't dispute. I have always encouraged contact but I just feel like this is another stepping stone in his attempts to control my life. I have remained as strong as I can be and ensured my children are happy and healthy and looked after as best they can be but I am worried that he has not given up in the last few years and so he will keep on at me until i crack - just so he can have the children with him - a threat which he made when I was with him. Do you have any ideas who could help or who I could talk to as I think the court are fairly powerless in these instances. Thanks

    Victoria - 28/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Victoria

      I am so sorry to hear about the years of abuse that you have suffered, it must have been awful and it sounds like you have been really brave.

      When children are involved it can often make things even more traumatic and difficult and abusers often use children as a way to further control the mother. I think the best thing for you to do is to contact 'rights of women' - they are a specialist team of lawyers who offer free, confidential advice on issues relating to domestic violence and child contact etc.
      They will be able to give you the best advice about what you options are:
      http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/
      For women in England and Wales
      Call 020 7251 6577
      Monday 7-9pm, Tuesday 7-9pm, Wednesday 7-9pm, Thursday 7-9pm, Friday 12-2pm
      For women in London
      Call 020 7608 1137
      Monday 11am-1pm, Tuesday 2-4pm, Wednesday 2-4pm

      You have been really strong, you don't have to try to cope alone. It's great that you have a good support network and I hope Rights of Women can help you with the extra info and support you need.
      Good luck for the hearing,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 28/12/2014

  • Lou

    28/12/2014

    Hi I have been married for almost 20 yrs. I was 19 when I met my husband I now have 6 children aging from 19 to just 4. My husband I have now realised managed to distance me from my family , I haven't had contact with my mum etc. in almost 18 yrs and now my children and I are not to see his family either. I have never been allowed to work or have friends of my own and now he is unemployed he is with me 24/7 . I can't take it anymore. But he uses my children against me. He has taken out a large car loan in my eldest sons name and a personal loan which he says if he leaves he will take the car. All well and good but he will also leave my son to pay the finance as he cannot afford it. I am terrified to ask him to leave as he has been violent in the past yet I also cannot leave because my eldest 3 children would not be housed with me if I left as they are too old and must look after themselves or stay with their dad . They do not want to stay with their dad. Any advice please help I am desperate to leave but cannot bear to leave my children with him unprotected no matter how old they are.

    Lou - 28/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lou
      Thanks for your message. It sounds like things have been difficult for a long time. You have been really strong but I am glad you are asking for support now.
      Your husband has been emotionally and financially abusive which is unacceptable. I understand your concerns about what might happen if you leave him.

      I think the best people to talk to about your options are rights of women - a brilliant organisation that offer free legal advice relating to domestic violence etc. They can explain your options to you - http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/
      For women in England and Wales
      Call 020 7251 6577
      Monday 7-9pm, Tuesday 7-9pm, Wednesday 7-9pm, Thursday 7-9pm, Friday 12-2pm
      For women in London
      Call 020 7608 1137
      Monday 11am-1pm, Tuesday 2-4pm, Wednesday 2-4pm


      You can also ring the national domestic violence helpline anytime on 0800 2000 247.

      This booklet may also help - it talks about your financial and housing options after separation from an abusive partner - http://www.refuge.org.uk/cms_content_refuge/attachments/You%20can%20afford%20to%20leave%20%28web%29.pdf

      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 28/12/2014

  • char

    23/12/2014

    Hi there

    I used to be in an abusive relationship for a year and a half when I was 18, I wanted to break up with him with in the 6 months I s with him but was too scared to. He used to lock me in his bedroom when he went out, he used to scare me into sleeping with him...he manipulated me and messed with my head,

    What I'm trying to get at is three years later I'm nearly 22 and there's not a day that goes by that I can't stop thinking about it, flashbacks keeps popping up in my head, and just cry every day, this was three years ago and I can't get it out of my head, I just want him to go away, what am I supposed to do? What am I doing wrong? It's stopping me from meeting anyone else, I'm scared to let someone else in...in case they do the same thing to me...I hope you get this message, I hope you can help

    char - 23/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Char

      Thanks for your message. I am really sorry to hear about the abuse that you suffered. It's good that you are no longer in that relationship but I understand that it still affects you now.

      Abuse is a very traumatic thing to go through and can have long lasting impacts. Flashbacks and feeling very upset are unfortunately a normal reaction to trauma and part of a post traumatic stress response. However, there are things we can do to help so you can move on and in the future, if you want, have normal healthy relationships.

      I think the best thing to do is to get some support to talk about what happened. You can get referred for counselling via your doctor, or you can contact the national domestic violence helpline anytime on 0800 2000 247 and they can tell you about local support services in your area. Then you will be able to access free and confidential counselling or other support services. You can also search yourself online here - http://www.womensaid.org.uk/azrefuges.asp?section=00010001000800060002&itemTitle=A-Z+of+services

      I know it is really hard, but you have been really brave and getting support is the most important thing. What happened does not have to define your life - you can move on from this and you don't have to do it alone.

      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 24/12/2014

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