This is ABUSE

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YOUR QUESTIONS

Worried about abuse in your relationship?

Young people have asked questions about abuse within their relationships, they may have been through something similar to you and the responses may help give you advice on your own relationship.

If you have any questions about abuse, or you are in an abusive relationship, or you just want to talk to someone, there are specialist organisations that can help you. Visit the Need Help section and you can contact people who can give you help and support.

Watch these videos to spot the signs of abuse within relationships

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Results: 90 - 105 of 2291

  • Alan

    26/01/2015

    I'm being abused by my partner and her new partner

    Alan - 26/01/2015

    Reply
  • hannah

    26/01/2015

    Im not sure what to do or if i should do anything. Im at highschool and a popular girl is going out with a guy who doesnt go to school, but whenever shes not at school all her friends discuss her relationship. Im not a gossiper but from the sounds of it hes very controlling. I felt bad for her so i asked around and i dont know if some of them are rumours but quite a lot of people know about the relationship. Apparently her boyfriend doesnt let her go to parties unless he is there, she isnt allowed to wear makeup to school (which is true because she stopped wearing makeup and skirts), shes not allowed to wear skirts to school either. Ive only talked to three people about it and one of them is a good friend with her ex and she said that she had to stop drinking from a certain waterbottle because it made her teeth protrude. When i asked all her why doesnt she break up with him she said that their is drugs involved and shes dealing them, basically hes blackmailing her that he will tell her mum if she breaks up with him. Again i dont know if this is true but it could be because when her close friends were talking about it they were saying that when she was about to break up with him he kept saying hes going to text her mum and was threatening her like that.
    I dont know what to do or if its in my place to do anything, she texted her ex saying that she didnt like him talking to a girl so that kind of shows that she must still have feelings for him, but the person i was talking to said that she couldnt talk to someone because she could get arrested for the drugs. I dont know what to do and none of her close friends are doing anything by the sounds of it, she seems fine but who am i to say she isnt scared, help?

    hannah - 26/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Hannah

      It's really good that you and other people at school are looking out for her. It sounds like her boyfriend is being very emotionally abusive and controlling. Things like controlling what she wears, what she does and where she goes are all signs of abuse and not at all ok.

      It's also very concerning that he is making her deal drugs and is using this as another way of controlling her by threatening to tell her mum if she leaves him.

      I know it puts you in a difficult position but people do need to know what is going on. She is in an abusive relationship and being forced to do these things so if the police get involved they will take that into account. The most important thing is her safety.

      Maybe you can talk to someone at school like a teacher? They will know what to do to help her.

      If you want to talk to someone confidentially first you can call childline who talk to people all the time about issues to do with abuse and can talk through the options with you - 0800 11 11
      They also have a live chat option - http://www.childline.org.uk/

      Well done for looking out for her and sticking up for what's right. It can be hard though so get support for yourself as well,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 07/02/2015

  • Alice

    24/01/2015

    I went back to this lads house just thinking I was going to go to sleep there. I laid on the other side of the bed facing the opposite way to him. Not long after he put his arm around me I moved it slightly and he did it again so I laid there in despair. I was shocked. then he kept asking me if I was okay, I said yes to make sure he would leave it at that but he didn't, then he kept asking me if I wanted to have sex with him, I said no four or five times and stared into the distance, being a bit scared then he asked again I finally gave in and nodded being scared, as it got to two minutes in I told him I didn't want to anymore, I was so shaken up I didn't know what to do so I turned away. he did kiss me before but I just felt scared. then once I turned away he asked if I was okay again and I said yes, he went to sleep and it took me forever to get to sleep being embarrassed and scared. In the morning I went home acting like I was okay to him but inside I was shaken up and embarrassed, I didn't tell anyone till later on not knowing I was embarrassed, I ended up telling my boyfriend after when I got back together but I was so scared that he wouldn't believe me and in the end I told my friends about it being upset. I don't know what to do? please help ? x

    Alice - 24/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Alice

      Thanks for telling us about this, it's really brave of you. It sounds like what happened was really upsetting for you.
      You made it really clear that you did not want to have sex with him, by repeatedly asking you he was not letting you say no, just because you eventually agreed does not mean you were consenting as you only did so because you were scared.

      Rape is a really traumatic thing to experience. It is good that you told your boyfriend and your friends - how did they react? I hope they were supportive. Is there anyone else you can talk to like a teacher at school/college, or your doctor or someone else you trust?

      You can also contact rape crisis who are a lovely charity who you can talk to confidentially:
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline
      0808 802 9999
      12 - 2.30pm
      7 - 9.30pm
      You can also search with your postcode for your local rape crisis centre - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

      If you need to access medical support you can go to a sexual assault referral centre where they can look after you and run tests just to be safe (you don't have to report this to the police if you don't want to)
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/Referralcentres2.php

      It's important to talk about this and get help.
      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 07/02/2015

  • M

    22/01/2015

    Can it be emotional abuse if it is just a friendship? We argue all the time and have done for over a year, I don't have anyone I can talk to about it because I've had to push most of my friends away because they were the cause of loads of arguments, there's a lot of things that I'm not allowed to do and he will get angry when I want to do something that he disagrees with even though it's not his place, he insults my family a lot and me sometimes when we're arguing which means that I've also become this person that I don't like and shout back, he used to get angry over things I might want to wear or once when I wore lipstick, he would always want to see my conversations with other people and since we talk all the time I've stopped all social networking because it caused too many arguments if he saw something he didn't like. I'm not really sure what our friendship is, it doesn't really work well and neither of us are happy but it won't end, he gets very angry sometimes and smashes things or hurts himself when I told him I didn't want to do it anymore, I feel guilty for hurting him and driving him to that point but most of the things he gets angry at I don't think that he should so I get angry back and always end up backing down and apologising because that's easier even though I don't think I did anything particularly wrong. I'm not really sure if it counts as abuse since we aren't in a relationship but I don't know what I can do about it.

    M - 22/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi M
      Thank you for your message. The friendship you describe sounds really emotionally abusive. It must be very scary, upsetting and draining for you.


      It is never ok to try to control what someone wears, where they go, who they talk to etc.The way he is behaving is unacceptable and you should not feel guilty as this is not your fault. I understand how upsetting it is for you when you try to tell him you want to end the friendship and he hurts himself, but that is also a form of emotional abuse to make you stay. If he hurts himself it's not your fault or your responsibility.

      I know that he has tried to isolate you from your friends but is there anyone you can talk to? Can you tell your family what has been happening? Or maybe someone at school/college/uni/work? It is really important that other people know what is going on.

      You can call the police if you are scared on 999 and you can also call the free national helpline on 0808 2000 247. Or you can call childline (it's not just for children and they are brilliant and can listen and offer lots of advice and help you tell people if you want them to.) http://www.childline.org.uk/
      0800 1111


      Even though you are not in a relationship you deserve support as abuse is never ok no matter what the relationship.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2015

  • Sandy

    22/01/2015

    Im not sure what to do - my boyfriend has real bad mood swings and irrational thoughts about me cheating. He has gone too far in the past. Id their help for these people or should I walk away ?

    Sandy - 22/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Sandy

      I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. Mood swings and paranoia are very hard to cope with in a relationship. You say he has gone to far in the past - do you mean that he has also been physically abusive?

      Abusive men can change but they have to want to and they have to accept responsibility for their actions and the impact it has on you. There are programmes that men can go on to help them through this process and for some men they work really well but there are no guarantees.

      Only you can decide if you want to stay in the relationship but the most important thing has to be your safety and welfare.

      Respect have a helpline for abusive people to call to get help but you can also call/email for some advice - http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/
      Call freephone 0808 802 4040 Monday-Friday 9am-5pm or email
      info@respectphoneline.org.uk

      In the meantime here is some info on keeping safe:
      http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/


      Take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2015

  • L

    21/01/2015

    I don't really know where to start, I feel stupid or that I'm making a big deal out of nothing... Starting to feel like I bring it on myself. Whenever we argue he threatens me .... Says he'l get me sacked from work and kicked out of uni.... Tells me my life won't be worth living, he threatens my family, he breaks my belongings and calls me a troll and a.slut, he tells me that no1 will ever want me. Whenever he starts this I ask him to leave but he refuses, he managed to get temp acoomodation but he still refuses, last night he smacked me around the head and kicked me in the stomach. I'm not proud of myself but I snapped and went for him because he was breaking all my stuff again. I feel like he try's to control me , he cuts me off for days when we argue and its always me that goes running back, he plays mind games with me and I know I bite every time butbi cant seem to help it... I resent him when he"s here for everything he's said and done but when he's gone I just want him here ... It sounds so stupid I know.... We've argues today and I try stand up for myself and tell him to go, but he starts making me sound like I'm off my head ... But nobody understands what he's like .... All my friends think I should just leave him but its not that easy. He's gone again today so really I should be happy but I'm not.. Just feel confused and alone I don't know what to do anymore...scared of what he will do now if it really is over .he says he will ruin my life .... Again I know this prob sounds so stupid ... Just don't know what to do... Is this my fault sometimes I do think I wind him up I don't know anymore

    L - 21/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi L

      I am so glad you got in touch. You are certainly not making a big deal out of nothing. What is happening to you is very serious and I am very concerned about you.

      Your boyfriend is being physically and emotionally abusive and this is never ok and absolutely not your fault.

      I am glad that your friends know what is happening as it's important that people around you know. Can you also tell someone at work and uni (they have a duty to support you)? Or your family?

      I understand how hard it can be to leave someone and that you can still love them despite hating how they treat you, but this is a dangerous situation.
      You can always report the abuse to the police anytime, you can also call the national domestic violence helpline which is free, confidential and open 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247. They can give you advice and support. There are also local services that you can go to - I think this would be a really good idea as they can help you work out what you want to do. You can search for your nearest place here: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/azrefuges.asp?section=00010001000800060002&itemTitle=A-Z+of+services

      They will be able to support you, give you advice and help you if you decide you do want to leave him. It's hard but you can get through it and will feel so much better - you just need support to get there. They also have support groups where you can meet other people who have also experienced abuse.

      Here are some tips at staying safe while you are in the relationship: http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      Please do contact the helpline or a service and also try to tell people what is going on. It can be useful to have a code word to use if you need help so your friends know to call for help. This is very serious but you are not alone. You can also post on here again if you need to,

      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2015

  • Xxashleyxx

    21/01/2015

    Iv been going out with my boyfriend for almost a year now, I'm 18 years old and he's 20. I was really happy with my boyfriend for the first 5 months untill he started deciding who I can and can't see, or speak too. I'm not allowed on facebook anymore because he says I'm going to cheat on him and talk to other lads. He constantly texts and rings me to see what I'm doing and even makes me take pictures off where I am and who I'm with so he knows I'm not lying. He can be violent sometimes and afterwards say he only gets angry because he loves him and doesn't want to loose me, Im really unhappy at the moment I feel like I have nobody to talk too, Iv tried to reach out for help but I'm too scared my boyfriend will find out Iv been looking on this websites and get angry, please can you get back Intouch so I no somebody understands , thank you x x

    Xxashleyxx - 21/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Xxashleyxx

      Thank you for your message, it is really good that you got in touch - I understand how hard that can be, especially if you are worried that he will find out.

      Here is some info about how to cover what you have been looking at online in case he checks your computer:
      http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/hide-tracks/view/1/

      The way your boyfriend is behaving is not ok. He is being emotionally abusive and controlling as well as being physically violent and this is a dangerous relationship for you to be in, I am really concerned for you.

      It is never ok to be abusive in anyway and relationships should be based on love and respect, you deserve to be in a loving relationship and I promise you not all guys are like this.

      I hear how unhappy you are, and that is totally understandable. Remember that none of this is your fault.
      There is a lot of help out here though so you don't have to go through this alone.
      You can ring the police on 999 anytime to report this or if you are scared.
      You can also call the national domestic violence helpline - it is confidential. If you are worried about the call showing on your phone you can delete the call history on your phone after the call.
      The helpline number is 0808 2000 247. They can give you help and advice and also tell you about local services, or you can search yourself here: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/azrefuges.asp?section=00010001000800060002&itemTitle=A-Z+of+services

      I know this might feel overwhelming and scary but there is support here for you and if you want to leave the relationship it is best that other people know and can support you. Can you also try to tell people around you who can help such as friends, family, someone else at uni/college/work or your doctor? They can help keep you safe and maybe you can use their phone to call if you are worried.

      Here is some safety advice:

      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/
      and
      http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      Please get the support you deserve, you have been so brave reaching out on here, see this as the first step in your journey to being safe and happy,

      take care and come back here any time if you want to talk more
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2015

  • Niamh

    20/01/2015

    At a party a few weeks ago a friend who I used to like and had kissed in the past was acting really flirty with me which I was fine with. At the end of the party I was staying over in my friends room in a single bed and I was drunk. The boy who'd been flirting with me came up to my room and was talking to me. He was staying over downstairs on a sofa. He left the room then came back with a blanket for me and I later found out my friend told him to leave me alone because I was drunk, but he came up anyway. He sat on the bed and we were talking then he lay down. We started to kiss but then he took my hand and got me to touch his penis, when I moved my hand away he soon moved it back. He then pushed me down the bed (not forcefully or violently) to suggest I gave oral sex to him which I did, but I didn't feel very comfortable with it. I didn't say no at all, but I don't think my body language was suggesting I really wanted to do any of it.
    Almost straight after he said he was going back downstairs and left the room. I haven't talked to him since, but I see him around at school which I can't avoid. I find it really difficult to see him. I told my friend what happened and she talked to him about it, but he doesn't see what was wrong with it. I don't really know what this is. I don't feel traumatised but I don't feel happy with it either, I don't really know what to feel.

    Niamh - 20/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Niamh

      It's good that you have been able to talk about what happened, both on here and to your friend. Trying to cope with things like this on your own is really hard.

      It sounds like he really took advantage of the fact that you were drunk. If you are drunk then legally you are not able to consent to sex, regardless of whether you say no or not. Also, you do not have to say no verbally to not consent, body language is just as important and you were clearly not wanting to do what he wanted.

      Forcing someone to perform oral sex is legally classed as rape.
      This can be really traumatic. It's good that you do not feel traumatised, but sometimes these feelings can happen later on and everyone responds in a different way - there is no right or wrong way to feel.

      Is there anyone else you can tell, how would you feel about telling a teacher at school? You can also report him to the police if you want but that is your choice totally.
      Rape crisis are the main charity that support people who have experienced rape and sexual assault. If you want to talk to them confidentially here are their details:
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline
      0808 802 9999
      12 - 2.30pm
      7 - 9.30pm
      And you can search by postcode for your local rape crisis centre - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

      It must be really hard to see him all the time at school, remember that this was not your fault and it would be a good idea to get some support to cope with it.
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 07/02/2015

  • Nathan

    19/01/2015

    My friend is seperated and has 2 boys. She has told me that while she was with him he was both physically and verbally abusive. The boys still visit their dad and she has told me that they are often upset after seeing him because of things he has said. He is being emotionally abusive and manipulating to the children. He continues to be verbally agressive with every contact she has with him.
    I have offered support as much as I can but need more advice to pass on to her. I feel that the only way it will stop is to remove all contact with him for her and the boys. She kind of agrees but doesn't know where to start.
    Please help. Thanks

    Nathan - 19/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Nathan

      It is great that your friend has you to support her.

      Unfortunately abuse often continues on contact visits. It can be a way for the abuser to further abuse and control their ex-partner and can be very scary for the children.

      Was contact something they arranged privately or were the courts involved? I think she needs to get some legal advice about her options. There is such a thing as supervised contact where she would not have to see him and someone else such as a social worker would supervise the contact he has. Assessments can also be done to look at what is in the best interests of the children.

      She can contact Rights of Women for free legal advice:
      http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

      For women in England and Wales
      Call 020 7251 6577
      Monday 7-9pm, Tuesday 7-9pm, Wednesday 7-9pm, Thursday 7-9pm, Friday 12-2pm
      For women in London
      Call 020 7608 1137
      Monday 11am-1pm, Tuesday 2-4pm, Wednesday 2-4pm

      The Children’s legal centre can also offer advice:
      http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/index.php?page=the_child_law_advice_line
      0808 802 0008 - from 8am to 8pm, Monday to Friday

      And this is the national association of child contact centres:
      http://www.naccc.org.uk/

      There are also some really good leaflets here about contact, domestic violence and keeping children safe:
      http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/leaflets-resources/leaflets-for-adults.aspx

      The safety and well-being of your friend and her children is the most important thing and it is important she gets support and lets people know about the past abuse and the current abuse during contact so that they get the support they need.

      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2015

  • Charlotte

    19/01/2015

    I think I'm being emotionally abused

    Charlotte - 19/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Charlotte
      I am really sorry to hear this. Emotional abuse is very serious.
      There is a checklist here that may help you identify what is happening: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse

      There are lots of ways that someone can emotionally abuse us, some common ones are:

      Checking your phone/social networks
      Controlling where you go and who you see
      Telling you what to wear
      Criticising or putting you down
      Threatening us or people close to you
      Checking up on you all the time

      One researcher described it like this:
      'The perpetrator creates a world in which the victim is constantly monitored and criticised; every move is checked against an unpredictable, ever-changing, unknowable ‘rule-book’.

      If this is happening to you, it is important to get help. Can you tell people around you what is going on?
      You can always call the police and you can contact the national domestic violence helpline anytime on 0808 2000 247 for help and advice.

      Let us know if you need any more info or support,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2015

  • T

    16/01/2015

    I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now, at first things were good between us now it feels like things are going from bad to worse. We are always having arguments about the most ridiculous things, he accuses me of cheating on him, when in fact I recently found out that he had cheated on me. When we argue he calls me names, insults my family and makes me feel worthless. I feel like I am spending my life trying to please him and do nice things for him however nothing is ever good enough for him and he makes that known. He constantly makes me feel bad and calls me selfish for wanting to better myself by doing a university degree and the fact that I'm working to save up for that. He complains that I put my job,family and friends before him, when the truth is I rarely see friends and hardly ever do anything with family as I am always staying with him. If I ever go out and see friends or family I feel as though I have to lie about it as it will only cause an argument. As its obvious he doesn't like me spending time with anyone else but him and his family. I feel as though everything is on his terms and that its okay for him to see family,friends and to try and better himself with work but its not okay in his eyes for me. He also makes me feel bad about having sex before being in a relationship with him, when he wasn't a virgin when we got together either and has a child from a previous relationship. I love him but I am tired of being made to feel worthless and being called names, when I am with him I feel like I can't be myself, he considers me talking to other guys flirting, he thinks I flirt with people at work and he thinks I flirt with people by text so I am scared to get my phone out around him even though I know I am not doing anything, I constantly try to reassure him that I'm not doing anything wrong but he just wont believe me. Not quite sure what to do anymore and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone, as they would just tell me to get rid and judge me.

    T - 16/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi T

      It sounds like your boyfriend is being emotionally abusive and controlling. It is not ok for him to accuse you of things, call you names, make you feel worthless and control who you see and talk to. None of these things should be happening in a relationship.

      You say things have been getting worse over the last few months, unfortunately it is unlikely to get better unless he accepts responsibility for his behaviour and wants to change. You deserve to be in a respectful, trusting and happy relationship.

      I think it is brilliant that you are working to save to go to Uni - you should be proud of that and it shows you have a brilliant future to look forward to. In this current situation, how would it be if you were to go to Uni, it would be awful for that amazing experience to be ruined because he was controlling what you do.

      Only you can decide what to do and if you want to leave him, but I am concerned about you. I know you are worried about telling people and what they will say, but they may surprise you. It can really help to talk and to have people knowing what is going on as it can keep you safe if you need help.

      If you do decide to leave him, it is important to do so safely and having other people know what you are planning can help. It would be best not to tell him in person, or at least not on your own. You may also have to think about changing your phone number/online passwords etc and plan what to do if you see him out.
      Here are some tips:
      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/

      http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2015

  • Sheila

    16/01/2015

    I've been in a relationship for over 2 years now with my boyfriend. At first he was perfect with me, he treated me so good. Then we started having problems and it all went downhill. The way he talked to me got worse and worse. I was always a slag or a bitch. He tells me He gets angry and says things but never means it. Recently I had. Miscarriage and lost our baby and he was there for ma at the hospital once, but I've never been emotionally supported especially because I had no one to talk to about it. He doesn't like my friends so I can't really talk to them and Everytime I try to talk to him about it he would cut the conversation. I started getting worse, I was crying every night to sleep, he'll call me names and put me down almost every night. Sometimes I almost felt suicidal cause of how he makes me feel about myself. I don't know what to do cause I can't leave him but I'm so miserable with myself and my life most of the time when he puts me down and tells me to do one or die or calls me all the names you can think of

    Sheila - 16/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Sheila
      I am so glad you got in touch. It sounds like your boyfriend is being very emotionally abusive. Calling you awful names and putting you down is not acceptable and being angry is absolutely no excuse (although something abusers will commonly use as an excuse and a way to blame the other person).

      You have done nothing wrong and it must be so upsetting for you.
      I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. That is a devastating experience and you deserve and need love and support.
      If you talk to your doctor you should be able to get some counselling if you feel that would help.
      The miscarriage association are also brilliant and offer lots of advice and support. You can ring them on 01924 200799 (Mon-Fri 9am to 4pm) or email them - info@miscarriageassociation.org.uk.

      They also have a support network of people who have also had a miscarriage and are now able to offer support to others. Details are on their website: http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/support/how-we-can-help/

      I am really concerned that you feel suicidal sometimes. If you do feel like this, please contact the Samaritans:
      24 hours a day on 08457 90 90 90
      http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
      jo@samaritans.org

      You can also call the national domestic violence helpline 24 hours a day for confidential advice on 0808 2000 247.

      It is your choice whether to stay or leave the relationship but they can offer advice no matter what your decision. You deserve to be in a loving and supportive relationship and not all men are abusive. If you do choose to leave they can help you and give you safety advice.

      Here is some advice for staying safe:
      http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      Remember you are not alone with this, lots of people can help you.
      I hope this helps,take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2015

  • Angie

    15/01/2015

    It happend 6 months ago and I haven't been the same since. I was very drunk and I know that I shouldn't have been. I see him everywhere I go and it makes me so anxious constantly it's really had to cope, I get so scared whilst walking home and it makes me so panicky and I feel like I'm going mad. I want someone to talk to about it but I can't find someone without the police being involved or my family knowing, I don't know what I would do if my mum or dad knew, having to explain everything to them would be awful but I really need someone.

    Angie - 15/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Angie

      I am so glad you got in touch. It sounds like you have been through something very traumatic. I am guessing from what you have said that you are talking about sexual assault or rape?

      If so, the fact that you were drunk does not make this your fault in anyway. If you are drunk you are legally not able to consent anyway.

      Any form of sexual abuse is hugely traumatic and can have all sorts of impacts on us. Feeling scared and panicky is normal given what you have been through and that must be even harder if you see him a lot.

      The first thing to do is make sure you are safe if you do see him. I understand that you don't want to tell your family but have you been able to talk to any friends who can support you?

      In terms of talking to someone and recovering from this, the best people to talk to are 'rape crisis'. They are lovely and will be able to listen and support you. You can speak to them confidentially and they won't make you tell the police.

      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline - 0808 802 9999
      from: 12 - 2.30pm and 7 - 9.30pm

      You can also search for your local rape crisis centre by putting in your postcode here - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

      I really hope this helps.
      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2015

  • John

    15/01/2015

    Hello

    My friend is currently going through a time with her boyfriend as shes explained it to me she doesnt want to be in a relationship with him and currently is feels forced to be in one. Shes tried several times to break up with him but it hasnt worked - he keeps shouting at her and as far as im aware no harm has been done.
    Theyre both in uni and live together(with others) he has been verbally insulting her and threatening her 'by ruining her uni life' he has taken her phone now too and is pretty much on to her 24/7
    i cant contact her in any way possible as hes told her to as he would 'f**k me up'. i used to be with this girl but weve always kept close contact as were very close friends and with her family.
    shes terrified and i have no idea how hes managed to have so much power over her.

    I feel like i need to get down there but i think ill make things worse - i just want to know shes at least constantly safe and sound the very least...

    i managed to get her friend to contact her as the middle man and shes told me that shes still a mess and doesnt know what to do...


    any suggestions ?

    John - 15/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi John

      Firstly I am very glad you got in touch and also really pleased that your friend has your support as that is really important.

      It does sound very concerning, he is being emotionally abusive and controlling. He is also trying to isolate her from people who can help.

      It is good that your other friend was able to get in touch with her. You say they live with other people - are you or your friend able to get in touch with them to share your concerns? I am sure they will have noticed what is going on to some extent but may also not know what to do for the best.

      There will be people at her uni who can also help - for instance pastoral care, student support etc. It is important that people know what is happening as this will help keep her safe.

      One of you can ring the national domestic violence helpline to get advice on 0808 2000 247. The police can also help.

      This leaflet also gives advice about how to help friends. Having a code word to say if they are in trouble is a good tip.
      http://www.avaproject.org.uk/media/54339/mates%20ava%20final.pdf

      And here is some safety advice for her:
      http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      She clearly wants to leave the relationship but will need support to do so safely, especially if they live together - that makes it even more important for the uni to be involved as they can help with that.

      The NUS has a women's officer who is lovely and knows all about supporting students affected by abuse so she may be able to help or at least tell you who to speak to at the uni:
      http://www.nus.org.uk/en/who-we-are/how-we-work/women/

      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/01/2015

  • Sheila

    15/01/2015

    I want somebody to call my partner and speak to him because he prevents me from meeting or talking to my family and friends. According to him, I am only for him and no one else. How can I get a helpline to counsel him?

    Sheila - 15/01/2015

    Reply
    • hi Sheila

      You are right to be concerned, controlling who you are allowed to see is emotional abuse and it is not ok.


      The best people for him to speak to would be the respect phoneline but he would need to contact them.

      You can also call them to get advice though which may be good to do first so that you are safe. It may not be safe for you to ask him to call them so get advice from respect first -
      http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/
      Call freephone 0808 802 4040 Monday-Friday 9am-5pm or email
      info@respectphoneline.org.uk

      He is the only one who can make the change and take responsibility for his behaviour. It is not up to you to change him. Your wellbeing and safety are the most important things.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/01/2015

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