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This is ABUSE

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Results: 90 - 105 of 2084

  • Alexandra

    25/03/2014

    Hi, I've been in a relationship with a guy for just over two years and we have been engaged for about a year but now I'm struggling to cope and everyone's telling me I'm in a abusive relationship. I wondered if I really am. My fiancé has a history of heavy drugs and alcohol use and fighting, which resulted in him getting his head bashed against a wall a few years ago. This has left him with memory loss, depression, sometimes a warped out look on life such as extreme racism and not understanding other peoples feelings. We've always had problems even in the beginning such as I caught him using dating sites, section other girls and had pictures of them on his phone but as it was a long distance relationship I was under the impression it had stopped. I quit my job and left my family and my life behind to move 2 and a half hours to live with him about 6 months ago and since then things have gone from bad to worse. He has continued heavily drinking on a regular basis and when ever this happens he gets very aggressive and abusive saying things such as I'm ugly, boring, he doesn't know why he ever got together with me, he thinks I should go back to my parents house for a few weeks so he can go out with the lads and get drunk and bring girls home to sleep with, he's been disrespectful about my family also and I've also caught him texting girls again asking for dirty pictures or for them to come to our house when I'm away. I've got to the point now where no matter what terrible things he's said or done I have to just say 'ok darling I agree but we'll talk about it in the morning' because I know when he's in that state there's no talking to him. I can't drive and I'm not working so I'm stuck in his house 24.7 and the only people I am around is him and his parents, who blame me for all of the arguments because he doesn't tell them the reason we argued (what he said and did) and they are very protective over him because of his injury in the past. My family are all petrified and want me to leave him as he is getting worse, seems to have no respect for me when drunk and partly when sober. The most recent argument he pinned me done to the bed cause I wouldn't let his female friend who I'd just let sleep in the bed with us so I got scared and bit him to get him off me and he got me arrested for common assault and sat in a cell for 9 hours because he said I'd attacked him out of no where and didn't tell them I was defending myself. My confidence has hit rock bottom due to him putting me down on a regular basis which I believe is to make me feel worthless so I can't leave him for do someone else. I know I should leave him but I do love him and when things are good id happily stay with him. I also feel like he needs me and I'd be abandoning him if I left and he'd go straight back into his depression etc

    Alexandra - 25/03/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Alexandra,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how trapped you are feeling in your relationship and how difficult things have become with your partner. I’m pleased you have felt able to reach out for support here, you do not need to cope on your own with the situation you are in.

      All the things you describe in your message are abusive, and it sounds like you are now becoming frightened of your partner, unable to assert yourself and trapped with him far away from your family and home. The way your partner is acting is not justified by his head injury. He is acting the way he is because he wants to. It is not your fault and you do not deserve to be treated the way you are being. You say love him and if you left you would feel like you would be abandoning him, but by the sounds of what you write the relationship is not one you feel happy, respected or safe in.

      You say your family are worried about you. Have you discussed the situation in depth with anyone in your life, family or friends? If not you can call the national helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to offer you confidential support and advice. The calls will not show up on your phone bill. You can also look on this website
      www.womensaid.org.uk for support in your area. You could also speak to your GP about the situation you are in and the effect it is having on your wellbeing and confidence.

      We also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like some more support.
      Take care,
      Becca


      This is Abuse team 26/03/2014

  • alexandra

    25/03/2014

    Hi, I've been in a relationship with a guy for just over two years and we have been engaged for about a year but now I'm struggling to cope and everyone's telling me I'm in a abusive relationship. I wondered if I really am. My fiancÃ

    alexandra - 25/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Alexandra,
      you should maybe try and call a helpline or a abuse line to help you with your'e situation.

      Eve - 26/03/2014

    • Hi Alexandra,
      Thanks for your message. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone no matter what their age, gender, sexuality or race. Abuse is when you experience one or more incidents of controlling or threatening behaviour by a partner or family member. This could be physical, sexual and emotional. It can be someone not allowing you to spend time with your friends and family or telling you what you should wear, etc.
      I’m concerned that you say everyone is telling you you’re in an abusive relationship. Have you asked them why they think your relationship is abusive? I would suggest you look at our In the Know section where you will find a relationship checklist. I would also recommend you looking at www.womensaid.org.uk for more information on abuse.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 25/03/2014

  • Rebecca

    25/03/2014

    Hi, I'm unsure weather my relationship is abusive.mive been with my boyfriend three years now and we have a four month old together. Right up until two weeks ago we lived togemther and he decided to move out. He is now trying to make me get my own house away from my parent s so that he can be with me and be a 'real family' these three years have been really ,tough. Two years ago I caught him cheating on me until we found out I was pregnant, and he's never made up for it just blames me saying it is my fault. He hates my parents and gets really nasty about the, trying to force me to leave them and much them off for him. We have a joint car but he always uses it and when I want to he won't let me unless I pay for my own petrol which I don't have the money for because I am the only one that provides for our baby. I have to be back at certain times. I'm not allowmed to. Go out might even to dance classes let alone go out with my friends. He promises me things such as getting engaged etc and then change his mind. He is constantly on his phone when I am with. Him talking to ,god knows who and shield s it from my view. He is nice as pie to me one minute and as soon as something pisses him off he has a go at me like it's my fault blaming me and constantly calling me names like stupid and retard. Etc. if we decide to go out together he says it willbe romantic and then always invited his friends and then totally blank me. He manipulates me into spending money on him and yet when I ask him for financial help he normally says no cause he spends all the money on himself. He constantly checks out it her girls I front of me, knowing full well tha t I am not happy with the way I look. He's never hit me but he restrains me and pions me down and puts his hands over my mouth. He doesn't accept my opinion and lowers my standards to suit him and what he wants.

    Rebecca - 25/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Rebecca,

      It sounds as though you are in a really tough situation and I am really pleased that you have decided to talk about it.

      Pinning you down, restraining you and putting his hand over your mouth are all acts of violence. It is absolutely unacceptable for him to do these things to you and I am really pleased that you are concerned.

      It sounds as though even if he hadn’t used these behaviours you would be concerned about the disrespectful way in which he is treating you and that he is not contributing to the finances of your family on top of his controlling behaviours. I wonder what your advice to a friend in this situation might be?

      I think it would be really helpful for you to get some good support from a women’s support service. You can find a local one via the National 24 Hour Domestic Violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 or by visiting the Women’s Aid website www.womensaid.org.uk . Another organisation that can offer useful advice to families Family Lives http://familylives.org.uk .

      I really hope you do decide to get some support and advice.

      Take Care,

      Brian.

      This is Abuse team 25/03/2014

  • Katie

    25/03/2014

    My 19 year old sister is stuck in a relationship she doesn't want to be in. He is verbally mentally and physically abusive. She has tried to get out of it but ihe owes her money and she pays for his phone contract so wants the money owed but of course he won't give it to her. I wanna help her but I don't know how. They always break up but she goes back to him as she can't deal with the abuse she gets from him when they break up

    Katie - 25/03/2014

    Reply

    • Hi Katie,
      Thanks for your message. I’m sorry to hear that your sister is in an abusive relationship. Many victims of domestic abuse will have an ‘on ’and ‘off’ relationship with their abusers which can go on for a long period of time. To others on the outside this can be frustrating as we see the person we care about constantly going back to an unhealthy situation. However leaving an abusive relationship is not easy and only your sister will no when she is ready to leave. All you can do is let her know that you are there for her when she needs you.
      I would suggest your sister contacts www.womensaid.org.uk where she will find more information and support on domestic abuse.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 25/03/2014

  • paul

    25/03/2014

    These past seven months I have been gotten very close to a girl, we both like eachother, but she is terrified of her ex, he has cheated on her multiple times when in the relationship and didnt treat her with the respect she deserves, he forbids her to talk to any other man, she is scared of what he might do, even though they no longer keep in contact at all, he gets his friends to question her about everything she does, just so he can keep tabs on her, she thinks it's ok to live in fear of him, I try to tell her it's not ok and that she doesn't deserve to be living looking over her shoulder constantly, I just hope you could give me some advice, I know I'm not in an abusive relationship but I just want some help on how to go about this and help her, thanks

    paul - 25/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Paul,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds as though you are in a tough situation and must be really worried for your friend.

      You don’t mention how old either of you are? If the girl you are talking about is under 18, and you are at school together or attend a youth group or similar you might want to talk with a responsible adult about what is happening.

      Whatever your ages it may be that she’s not in the right place to have a relationship right now and so giving her any space she asks for is important. It can be hard to do that when you have strong feelings for someone but it’s a real sign that you care.

      There is some information that you can share with her; If she is over 16 there are some services that could offer her support such as the National 24 Hour Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or the Stalking Helpline on 0808 802 0300. If she is being harassed either directly or indirectly she might want to speak with the police about it too. And of course, if you are worried that his behaviour is likely to cause her emotional or physical harm you can also call the Stalking Helpline and get some advice too.

      One last option, if you want to talk it through is to use the live chat function on this site. It is available from 5pm to 7pm on weekdays.

      Take Care Paul, I’m really pleased you are taking your friend’s worries seriously.

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 25/03/2014

  • Anon

    24/03/2014

    A year and a half ago I managed to get out of what was a very abusive 2 year long relationship. From the very beginning I was manipulated, threatened, abused and stolen from and I felt powerless to stop it. I tried to put on a brave face to everyone around me but inside I was broken and I felt I had no way out. It wasn't until I moved away that I managed to escape his hold on me by blocking all forms of contact. For months he continued to message me in anyway he could threatening me, my family, my friends and wanting to shame me to my family by telling them everything he had done to me. I still to this day can't admit to anyone the extent of abuse I suffered and have nightmares every night about it a year and a half on. Friends and family have both said I sleep talk and become very restless and I often wake up in a sweat. I don't know what to do or how to move on from this. As a result I suffer from depression but every time I wake up I hate myself for not getting away from him sooner and now I dread going to sleep. What can I do?

    Anon - 24/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi,

      Thanks for getting in contact. It sounds like it was a really positive thing to leave such an abusive relationship, and you should feel proud that you found the strength inside yourself to leave. It can be so difficult where a partner is so manipulative to leave.

      Have you accessed any support at all? A domestic violence service would assist you in obtaining legal remedies like a Non-Molestation Order so he could not contact you directly or indirectly. Is he still in contact now? If he is it is something you might want to consider.

      It seems like your biggest issue is addressing how you have been left feeling emotionally. It is really important to address this. As you've highlighted it is affecting your sleep, and your emotional wellbeing. In this circumstance I would recommend counselling. There are deep rooted issues left over from this relationship and they need to be addressed. Many women's services (domestic abuse services) offer counselling you can find your nearest by calling the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247, alternatively you can access counselling through your GP, where you are entitled to 6 sessions on the NHS. You can also find a list of local counsellors at www.bacp.co.uk. Many of these offer support on a sliding scale of cost based on your income.

      I hope that with some therapeutic services you can begin to address these issues, and decrease nightmares and flashbacks.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 25/03/2014

  • Emily

    24/03/2014

    When I was 13 I was with someone who was 18 he told me he loved me (as we had been together 5 month) and took me to his house in Sheffield I was scared to go but things were so bad at home I went with him. He waited until his parent and sister went out and then tried to do things to me, I tried to push him away but he wouldn't get off me,I was really scared and was crying but he wouldn't go. He pinned me down and raped me and I still have flashbacks about it as it's not the first time it has happened as it happened a year before all of this with a different bot when I was 12 and he was 19 and I hate being scared when I get into a relationship but I can't get rid of all the flashbacks

    Emily - 24/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Emily,

      Thanks for getting in contact. I'm really sorry that you have had these experiences. It is understandable that you are having flashbacks.

      Traumatic experiences like this need to be addressed, and it can often be really difficult to make that first step and access some support. However, there are a lot of services out there that offer counselling and therapies for women who have experienced rape or sexual assault. From what you have said I think it would be really beneficial for you to access some support.

      You can find your nearest support service through Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.

      What happened in both cases is illegal, and you can still report this to the Police. That can sound really scary, but it is never acceptable for anybody to behave in this way.

      You are not alone in this. There are services that can help you and put you at ease. They won't make you do anything you don't want to do.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 25/03/2014

  • Jack

    24/03/2014

    Abuse on its own shouldnt happen but between 2 people that love eachother is even worse!

    Jack - 24/03/2014

    Reply
  • Geoffrey Harris

    24/03/2014

    I came out of one relationship to protect a child and have been raising the child ever since seven weeks old hes now three. whilst being in the relationship i have had threats of homelessness violence and controlling behavair from the mother and her brother he is gay and often throws his sexuality around to get an advantage upon view points held by others now i also have a gay brother who supports me and he thinks that the other guy is appalling. I live from day to in fear of being thrown out i have supported the mother i dont work as all my time is looking after one autistic little boy who i owe my life to have raised him since he was a baby done nighttime feeds took hikm out when mum went to work but even on days off she didnt want to participate that was in the early sages but could of been postnatal. The little boy is in playgroup where the mothers sister has been appointer by the mother to be his one to one. I hasten to add the one to one is not qualified in autism it also the wrong environment for the little boy to be in. I have suggested respite and provided papers to sign to get respite for the mum but all my actions get rulled out and ridiculed. I am a firm believer in gelling together to make it work for one little boy but there are so many factors that will destablize his life. I live in dereham norfolk in the uk. I feel powerless like a piece of paper to deal with the defaming of me and i have been threaten with violence and also been told that if i dont get out she will get police i have done nothing wrong only support the little boy. now the little boy is well looked after and i bathe feed and get him to bed also read and he has friends he likes to see and interact with i feel as a man i am at a brickwall with this i have dedicated my time and life for the last three years to this little boy who isnt biologically mine but been there for him since 7 weeks old he calls me dad and i am attached to him. I feel so alone here. someone talk to me

    Geoffrey Harris - 24/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Geoffrey,

      Thanks for getting in contact. There is a lot of information in your post, I will try to answer as many questions as I can.

      I appreciate that you have acted as a father to the child since he was 7 weeks old. However, as you are not the biological father it will be very difficult for you to obtain any legal rights around the child. I think it would be best for you to take some legal advice around this. You can contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 802 0008, they offer legal advice on any matter involving children. If you have got concerns for the child's well being, then you can contact Children's Services yourself through your local council. You can do this if you have concerns for the behaviour of the mother, or of the situation at the nursery.

      Secondly, it is difficult to advise you on your housing situation, like who owns the property/who is on the tenancy. So it might be helpful to contact Shelter on 0845 345 4345, they offer legal advice around housing.

      I feel the sexuality of the other son is irrelevant, and there wasn't really any context there that I could advise on.

      If you feel that you are in danger then always contact the Police.

      If you feel you would like further advice or support then you can talk to us on our live chat service, Monday to Friday 5pm until 7pm, or contact the Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 25/03/2014

  • Kyle

    24/03/2014

    hello,
    My friend has really changed since she started dating her boyfriend she use to be so happy and always up for a joke and use to tell me I'm like a brother to her. Ever since she started dating this guy she has said she doesn't care about me and that she really wants to smoke weed although she said to me a year ago she would never do that and she started hanging out with this girl that treats her like trash and she just accepts it and when I ask her why her and I don't hang out any more she says she doesn't want her boyfriend to think she is cheating on him and I said hanging out with another guy is not cheating to which she replying try telling him that. Lately they've been arguing a lot and from she has told i am usually the topic of the argument apparently every time she's on her phone around him he always ask if she's talking to me even though we don't have each others numbers he often says he wants to fight me because i'm apparently trying to steal her. I don't know if this is emotional abuse or not but i would say it is and I just really want to know how I can help her.

    Kyle - 24/03/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Kyle,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how difficult this must be for you seeing your friend in this situation. You are obviously want to support her, which is important, as she needs people around her that will be understanding and not judge her while in this relationship. Which sounds exactly what you are doing.

      From what you describe it sounds like her boyfriend is being emotionally abusive. It also seems that you have been able to talk to her about his behaviour in the past but it is something that she has brushed off. If she feels she has to defend her partner, even when he is wrong, it may not make her open to discussing the situation. In a gentle and non-judgemental way you could discuss respect in relationships with her and ask her how she feels about the situation she is in. If she does not want to talk about it let her know that you are always there for her.

      When we care about someone we can want him or her to end an abusive relationship quickly, as we don’t like to see him or her hurt. However ending it is something only your friend can do in her own time.
      Let her know that you care for her and will always be available for her to talk to and there are places like this website and the domestic abuse helpline she can contact (0808 2000 247) It is important that she has people to turn to that she can trust, and you are one of those people.

      You may also want to look on this website for more information for friends and family of people in abusive relationships.

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?itemid=1296&itemTitle=Support+for+family+and+friends+of+women+experiencing+abuse§ion=00010001002200410001§ionTitle=Articles%3A+domestic+violence

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 24/03/2014

  • gracie

    23/03/2014

    abuse is never ok

    gracie - 23/03/2014

    Reply
  • Hannah

    23/03/2014

    I am not sure if it is classed as rape but when i was 14 years old i was in a relationship for 2 week with my 16 year old boyfriend and he tried to persuade me into having sex with him but when the day came even though i consented when we was walking to the place where the sex took place I started to change my mind but i was too scared to say anything so i kept quiet and let him have his way with me i was a virgin and with it being my first time it was painful and i tried to struggle off of him while he was penetrating me i did not enjoy it and i wanted him to stop but i was too scared to say anything he kept on holding me until until he had finished but i tried to struggle away instead of asking him to stop, i think he may have thought i was uncomfy but as i couldn't do anything and was too scared to say anything i let him carry on while i was not enjoying it and in pain as i didn't know what else to do

    Hannah - 23/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Hannah,

      Thanks for coming forward to talk about your experience.

      Sex with somebody under the age of 16 is rape, whether they consent to it or not. It is against the law. And your partner at the time would have known this.

      Secondly, you have the right to withdraw your consent at any time. You can do this during sex, you can tell someone to stop. What happened is not your fault.

      It sounds like it was a traumatic experience for you, and it might be helpful for you to talk to somebody about how you feel about what happened. We are running live chats Monday to Friday, 5pm-7pm on the website. Alternatively, you can contact Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 25/03/2014

  • Emma

    22/03/2014

    Hi there
    I'm a little confused.
    I've been with my boyfriend over a year now. At first we had an amazing relationship. Then i started seeing a different side to him. I suffer from anxiety and he knows this. He often uses this against me to make me feel guilty in arguments and i always end up apologising, regardless of whether the argument was my fault. He often puts me down and calls me some horrible names. Hes physically hurt me before and threatens to hurt me alot, although i dont think he'd go through with it again. He tells me i ruin sex because im never in the mood and threatens to go elsewhere for sex when i say no. Is this an abusive relationship?

    Emma - 22/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Emma,

      Thank you for coming forward to talk about this. It sounds like it is really tough for you.

      A relationship is always abusive if one person is using violence against another, and you have said that he has used violence against you on several occasions. His threat of violence is also concerning. Nobody has the right to behave this way to another.

      It seems like he has a lot of power and control over you, and that is really unhealthy, and a sign of an abusive relationship.

      Lastly, it is never acceptable for someone to pressure you into having sex when you do not want to, and using emotional blackmail to do this still makes what is happening rape.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to a professional about what has been happening. You can talk to us on live chat, Monday to Friday 5pm-7pm on the website. Alternatively, you can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      There is also a lot of information at www.womensaid.org.uk.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 25/03/2014

  • Georgia

    22/03/2014

    I was 12 when I first met this boy, he was 15 and I thought he liked me and he told me that he loved me and was going to protect me, I was very vulnerable and young so I believed every word he said.. He then started asking if I was a virgin and told me that everyone at my age has done it and it's okay if I do it, he made me feel very safe but part of him still scared me as in my head I knew what he wanted to do to me was wrong... But I never said no.. I am now 15, depressed and I self harm.. I really am still confused... Did he rape me or not? I feel disgusted with myself, I wish I had said no...

    Georgia Georgia - 22/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Georgia,

      Thanks for your post. I am sorry that this happened to you. It was not your fault. It sounds as though it would have been really difficult for you to say no in that situation. The law states that you need to be 16 to give consent if the person who you have sex with is older then they can face serious consequences, so you wouldn’t have been able to give consent even by saying yes.
      I think it would be good for you to talk to one of the following organisations who help people who have experienced sexual abuse in the past, or an adult that you trust who can help you get some support.
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      http://www.childline.org.uk/
      They can provide support and counseling or just talk with you on the phone if that’s what you prefer. You can also talk to an advisor here on live chat between 5pm and 7pm on weekdays.
      Take Care Georgia,
      Brian

      This is Abuse team 24/03/2014

  • Maya

    22/03/2014

    Hello.My husband mentally and emotionally abuse me, for 4 years.I am in spouse visa, I couldn't take any more. I had stroke.He use our 4 years daughter.He told her she don't have to learn Russian, cos she is English like him.I am all ways wrong, stop to take me our daughter to visit my family.Help me please.

    Maya - 22/03/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Maya,

      Thank you for your message. I’m pleased you have posted here, it’s brave of you to share what is happened in your relationship. What you husband is did is not excusable and is against the law. I can hear how hard you are finding this situation and how trapped. There is support you can access to help you with this.

      Your husband is being abusive still by using your child to control you. All the things you describe in your message are also abuse. No one should make another person feel frightened of him or her or try to control him or her.


      Do you know anyone you could talk to about this, friends or any family to get some emotional support? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take next. You can also look on this website:

      http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

      And for information about your legal rights regarding your child you can also look here.

      http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

      It sounds like this ha had a big impact on your health, have you spoken to your GP about the abuse you suffered? They may be able to offer you some support. You can slo look on this website for services in your local area.

      www.womensaid.org.uk


      We have live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk about this more with one of our advisors.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 24/03/2014

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