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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

HAVE YOUR SAY

Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board where you can talk to a trained advisor.

Have a read through the discussion boards, the chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.

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An expert from Young People’s Services – AVA – is reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 75 - 90 of 2146

  • Georgia

    28/05/2014

    I am 15 years old and have been in a relationship for 2 and a half years. About 2 years ago, my boyfriend began to tell me what I could and couldn't do, what I could wear and who I could see.. I didn't think anything of this, I thought it was in my best interest until I started to go against his wishes and he became more violent and aggressive towards me. I have never properly spoke about this to anyone because I feel like nobody will listen or believe me when I tell them the way he treats me because everyone believes he is such a lovely person, who treats me like his princess. I have no friends, along with no confidence.

    Georgia - 28/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Georgia

      Thanks for posting. We're really sorry to hear what you're going through.

      We’re sorry to hear you’ve been suffering emotional and physical abuse in your relationship. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth.

      Signs of emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do. Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour.

      It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s been happening in your relationship. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.

      As you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      We hope this helps and that you're able to find the support you deserve.

      Take care,
      The This Is Abuse Team

      This Is Abuse team 29/05/2014

  • Erin

    24/05/2014

    Hi,
    I was just on the website after watching the Charlieissocoollike video on consent and was surfing the site and found the 'in the know' part. Am I correct in thinking that a female cannot be charged with a 'rape' of a man - only sexual assault - I was just confused. Could someone please explain? Thanks :)

    Erin - 24/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Erin

      Thanks for your post.

      The law says that rape can only be committed by a man as for the offence to be committed there must be intentional penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus of another person with a penis.

      A woman can be convicted of sexual assault, which includes other sexual acts (e.g. intentional penetration of the vagina or anus of another person with a part of her body or an object).

      Both rape and sexual assault are crimes and can result in imprisonment. You can read more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult

      We hope this helps answer your question.

      Take care,
      The This Is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 29/05/2014

  • Courtney

    20/05/2014

    Hi, just came here as a suggestion by friends for advice really as they've been very concerned with my current relationship. We've been together for about 8 months now and things were going fine, but I started to realise he would get a bit possessive and wouldn't speak to me because I had a lot of male friends and him and his friends would make fun of me and call me a slag. But things have taken a bad turn lately as at the start of the relationship when we were just dating I slept with someone else and didn't tell him. And recently he found out and I was really upset about it but he got really aggressive towards me and told me that my life wasn't worth living after what I did and everyone knew I was a whore and I would never get anyone better then him. My friends told me he was manipulating me and mentally abusing me. But he pressured me into getting back together saying things such as I owe it to him to give him a second chance, and has recently started saying that he wants to have sex but I have so many hesitations and don't want to, incase I'm just used for sex. I do feel it is all my fault and that I should try and carry on with the relationship even though I'm not allowed to talk to male friends anymore and he takes my phone off me and checks it all the time. I just don't know what to do. My friends say end the relationship before it becomes physical but I'm just scared of the outcomes. In particular he stopped me talking to my male best friend and threatened me saying if he ever caught me talking to him then he would hurt him to hurt me. I'm getting so confused in everything as because of sleeping with that guy I've lost all my close friends and don't really have anyone to talk to, even the guy I slept with hie is sending me abusive messages to me and my current boyfriend which also fuels his anger so much he tells me to be scared of him, my problem seems so insignificant compared to everyone else's here. Just came to find some advice. Is this all my fault? I'm just so confused now

    Courtney - 20/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Courtney

      Thanks for your post, it sounds like you’re going through a really tough time.

      We’re sorry to hear you’ve been suffering emotional abuse in your relationship. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of this type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.

      What’s more, it’s important that you know everyone has the right to say no to sex or to any sexual activity. You should never feel pressured in to sex, it is always your choice. If you are forced then this is rape.

      We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      We’re not sure how old you are from your post, but if you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk in confidence about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

      We hope this helps and you get the help and support you deserve.

      Best wishes
      The This is Abuse Team

      This Is Abuse team 21/05/2014

  • lucy pickering

    16/05/2014

    i think this is good beacuse it tells you what sort of abuse there is and how they can help

    lucy pickering - 16/05/2014

    Reply
  • Jessica

    12/05/2014

    Around half a year ago, I was with my ex boyfriend and a friend at his house, and he suggested hiding in the bathroom for a mild joke from my friend who was downstairs with his mother. We went into the toilet and after a minute or so, he began touching my body and kissing my neck and face, but I froze up and became very quiet and still. He then turned me around, so I was leaning slightly over the toilet and started pulling my bottoms down and removing his own. I then told him that I didn't know if I wanted to, but he proceeded and inserted himself into me. Because I'd frozen up it took 10 or so seconds before I turned around, pulled my clothes up and asked him to let me out of the toilet. Is this rape? I didn't particularly resist him physically, so would that mean I am to blame equally? I also feel it may be an insult to victims of much more serious attacks to address it so.

    Prior and after this incident, this individual had groped and harassed me, as well as tried to degrade and upset me verbally (calling me a 'slut' or a 'cheat' for example on more than one occasion). However, he often made me feel guilty for rejecting his advances and apologized for upsetting me, perhaps not purposely however. He would also pin me down and forcibly touch, kiss and attempt to undress me, and would only stop if I started crying. He seemed to enjoy the struggling, and verbally telling him no never worked. If I hit him to get him off, it seemed to excite him further. Again, I feel partly to blame, as I kept seeing him, and setting myself up for his behaviour. At the time of these incidents, I was in a relationship with a friend of his, and he also made me feel guilty about this. I would feel terrible for my boyfriend at the time, as I would have to tell him about it in detail every time it occurred.

    I suppose my question is, was it my fault these things happened so frequently? Maintaining a friendship with him seemed so important at the time, and I told myself he wouldn't do anything before seeing him, and every time I was wrong.

    Jessica - 12/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jessica

      Thanks for your post. We're so sorry to hear about what you've been through.

      A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around and just because the abuse went on for a long time, does not mean you were complicit in this. Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about, it was not your fault, and there was nothing you could do to prevent it.

      We think it is really important that even though this happened a little while ago, you should still try to speak to someone about this if you can.
      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported.

      Please try and find someone you trust to talk to - a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      We hope this helps.

      Take care
      Best wishes

      This Is Abuse team 12/05/2014

  • Anon

    12/05/2014

    Ive been with my boyfriend nearly 3 years. The start of the relationship was great but now when we have arguments they last for 3-4 days and he also gets very violent . He constantly tells me he hates me and that no ones wants me. He makes me feel so bad about myself. I feel scared to talk sometimes because he'll threaten me and tell me to shut up. He always make me out to be the bad one and i always seem to apologising. I love him but i dont know if i can be with him anymore. What should i do?

    Anon - 12/05/2014

    Reply
    • this happens to me, it breaks my heart, my bf calls me ugly, stupid, he says he hates me...he calls me a bitch..i dont know why as i dont do anything to be treated like that..its really upsetting because he makes me feel like i am not worth anything, and other people say i am beautiful..people who i dont even know...but shouldnt that be him telling me? im confused and very upset.

      d - 15/06/2014

    • Hi there

      Thanks for your post, it sounds like you are going through a really tough time.

      Wa're sorry to hear you've been suffering physical and emotional abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of
      physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour. Signs of emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.

      We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and
      support is out there, you’re not on your own.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between
      Women’s Aid and Refuge).

      I hope that this helps and that you get the support you need and deserve.

      Take care
      Best wishes

      This Is Abuse team 12/05/2014

  • katie

    12/05/2014

    I have been with my bf a year and i have had to put up with multiple incidents of violence, aggression, threats and bullying, i just dont seem to be able to leave coz he tells me he will change and that he dont wanna hurt me, he feels guilty for things and thats why he reacts the way he does, i feel nervous and on eggshells everyday and things are usually ok for a while but then he snaps, and its usually if i say i want to do something he dont like, or if i try stand up to him he will get more aggressive, i just dont know if its me or if im over reacting and that i should give him another chance, hes had alot of chances though and even gone doctors to get meds and help but didnt stick to it... do i leave or give him a chance and just ride it out

    katie - 12/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Katie

      Thanks for your post, we're really sorry to hear what you've been going through.

      We are sorry to hear you have been suffering abuse in your relationship. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth.

      It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s been happening in your relationship. It could be a teacher, a
      parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.

      If you’re under 18, you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      You can also call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

      If your boyfriend is prepared to talk to someone, he could call Respect on 0808 802 4040 or visit www.respectphoneline.org.uk. Respect runs
      support services and programmes for men and women who inflict violence in relationships.

      We hope that this helps and that you get the support you need and deserve.

      Take care
      Best wishes

      This Is Abuse team 12/05/2014

  • Izzy

    12/05/2014

    I am 14 years old, i started going out with this boy in november 2013, he had been my best friends for the past two years and i could trust him with my life, but in october 2013 we started 'going out' and within the first couple of times i met him out of school he tried to take my clothes off or finger me and grab my hand and force me to give him a handjob. At this point i didnt want to do any of this and he never ever asked me how i felt or of i wanted to do it but he just assumed but i felt i had to, to prove that i liked him and i went along with it for a couple of months but one of the times i met him he went 'down on me' and i said 'no stop please' and tensed but he did it anyway and just after he tried to have sex with me (without consent or a condom) i had to physically push him off me, and i can only remember the fear i felt right then and it hasnt gone away and i still shake and feel sick thinking about it. Eventually i started to make loads of excuses not to meet him and would say i was on my period when i wasnt, finally i decided to break up with him because i felt so unsafe and i stopped liking him. Recently i have told a few friends about this who didnt know and i wanted to post this just so you can be aware that even the person who you thought could trust the most and who was basicly my brother can rape (if it was rape) me and act like nothing happend. Im still only fourteen and i wanted to share my story

    Izzy - 12/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Izzy

      Thanks so much for your post. What you've been through sounds horrific and it must have taken a lot of courage to post.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, tis totally unacceptable, no one should ever put you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.

      Examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, being pressured to send naked pictures of yourself, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.

      If this has happened to you, we would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.

      As you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      Also remember that if you have been sexually assaulted you can speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Take care
      The This Is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 12/05/2014

  • Just a curious person

    11/05/2014

    How can a boy be abused? I'm not meant to sound rude

    Just a curious person - 11/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi there

      Thanks for your post. Anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight, and abusers can be female or male.

      We hope that this site helps both boys and girls spot the signs of abuse in relationships and raises awareness of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour.

      We have provided advice and information on the website which points all victims - whether male of female - to the help they need - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help.

      We hope that this answers your question.

      The This Is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 12/05/2014

  • Charley

    11/05/2014

    I have been with my boyfriend for 3 weeks now but we have been friends for 8 months. We recently got together as I disclosed that I had feelings for him and he said that he reciprocated those feelings. Before this we were very close friends as we met in college and gradually became close; we're still close now - since we began a romantic relationship - but recently I have been noticing changes in his behaviour towards me and in conversation and comments that he makes. I was unsure about this relationship from the start as he has never had a relationship before and I did not want to risk the friendship we had, he also made me insecure as he had previously told me that he "doesn't like me, had never liked me and never would" before he was aware of my feelings or I his. I was also reluctant to enter into a relationship with him as I have had experiences with guys in the past that have left me vulnerable and more cautious when entering the field of relationships - anything from friendship to romantic relationships. He has admitted to me that he has problems with aspects of my past and refuses to hear about them, which is difficult because he brings them up daily and constantly causes arguments with me over them. I find it incredibly difficult to process the problems I had in my past but he sometimes uses them against me like a weapon which actually hurts me a lot but then he'll twist it around like it's my fault and I know it isn't. Whilst I have said this I also have to acknowledge the fact that he has told me himself that he has a resentful personality and doesn't forgive others easily, but also wishes for total honesty between us as he does not like "walking on eggshells" around me - which personally I find is the other way around but that's neither here nor there. He I also incredibly hypocritical and rude towards me, granted he does make the effort with me i.e. He cares about my health; says he loves and cares about me all the time; will pay for things for me (if I have nothing) etc. But then there comes a point when he switches completely into a spiteful, hateful little boy who doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. In these times he will: talk to me like I'm nothing; if I try to help him he'll make me feel worthless, completely irrelevant to him; say my words mean nothing; say he doesn't need me or anybody; make irrational comments about how he "doesn't deserve to be alive" or "wishes he could die"; uses parts of my past to make me feel inferior to him. He also confuses me immensely as we never argue in person, it is always via text or email and when I ask him about it he is very nonchalant and acts as if there is nothing wrong. There's more but I don't wish to go off point. I would really like some guidance as to where I should go next with him because he constantly talks about us being together for a very long time and if this is what it is like after 3 weeks, then I dread to think of the future that we have.

    Am I letting my doubts and nervousness of relationships doom myself into a self fulfilling prophesy of our relationship not working out, or am I right in thinking that perhaps this relationship was not a good idea and there is something seriously wrong with the way he treats me?

    Charley - 11/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Charley

      Thanks for your post, it sounds like you're going through a tough time.

      What you've described sounds like emotional abuse. Signs of this type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.

      Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth.

      We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk in confidence about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

      We hope that this helps.

      Take care
      The This Is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 12/05/2014

  • Amy

    08/05/2014

    My boyfriend and i are in a relationship and have been for 5 years. Everything was perfect and we decided to try for a baby. I fell pregnant straight away which he was really happy about but after 14 weeks he kicked me during an argument and i lost the baby. That is the only time he has been violent and i said i forgave him straight after because i wanted him to leave me alone but i cant just forgive him. I miss my baby so much. Will it happen again or was it really a one off?

    Amy - 08/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Amy

      Thanks for your post, it sounds like you’ve been going through a really tough time and it must have taken a lot of courage to write in.

      We’re really sorry to hear you’ve been suffering physical abuse and what’s happened to you. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and It is important that this was your fault. Physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour. There’s no guarantee that it won’t happen again.

      We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      We would recommend you contact your local domestic abuse service or www.womensaid.org.uk who can offer advice and support. You can also call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) who can offer help.

      We hope this helps and that you get the support and advice you deserve

      Best wishes

      This Is Abuse team 09/05/2014

  • missteequ

    08/05/2014

    I'm in a relationship with an older man and he sometimes gets very angry. He has only physically hurt me a few times on purpose but sometimes he puts pressure on my face of pushes down on me and when I say it hurts he just laughs and makes me feel stupid does he do it to hurt me? He makes me feel really happy then takes it all away in seconds. He constantly puts me down with everything he says and screams at me in the street calling me loads of names and it embarrasses me. He deletes me and ignores me then I feel like I can't live without him. When I'm not with him I feel empty and alone. He says he loves me and sometimes he shows it by doing nice things for me. I feel like I'm living on edge. Do you think he loves me? Or means anything he says? He says he can't help it and its my fault. I wouldn't be anything without him. What should I do?

    missteequ - 08/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi there

      Thank you for your post, it sounds like you're going through a tough time.

      We’re sorry to hear you’ve been suffering emotional and physical abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and It is important that you know domestic abuse is never your fault. It can damage your confidence and your self-worth.

      Signs of emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do. Physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour.

      We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you’re over 18, we would recommend you contact your local domestic abuse service or www.womensaid.org.uk who can offer advice and support. There is also a National Freephone Helpline 0808 2000 247.

      We hope this helps

      Best wishes

      This Is Abuse team 09/05/2014

  • inna

    08/05/2014

    i been raped what can i do live him or just say no

    inna - 08/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Inna

      Thanks for your post, it must have taken a lot of courage to write.

      What’s happened to you is horrific and we are truly sorry to hear how you have suffered. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported. It’s important to understand that what happened was not your fault; there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

      We would urge you to find someone you trust to talk to - a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, it’s really important to speak up about what happened. You have the right to be safe, and help and support is out there.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 in confidence to talk; nothing is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline in confidence to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      You can also speak to the police about the assault. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help – if you’re unsure you might find it helpful to talk to an expert who can tell you more about the process and what to expect before you make the call to the police. You can find details of suitable organisations on the Need Help page here - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help.

      If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, please call the police on 999.

      We hope this helps
      Best wishes

      This Is Abuse team 08/05/2014

  • Anonymous

    07/05/2014

    I'm 16 and I've been with my boyfriend who is 17 for about 2 and a half years but we were friends for a year before that. Our relationship was really good almost perfect for the first year and a half but then I think I must of got annoying and as he got more comfortable with me he would say nasty things and become controlling. He would call me fat and say I was ugly how no one else would want me but I knew he didn't mean it so I would forgive him when he said sorry, he is also really controlling doesn't like me going to parties if he isn't there etc which I do understand sometimes but not if it is just with my friends as I am the what below him! He always picks at things I say day to day generally and insults me a lot! He has verbally abused me in front of people and his own friends a few times and has slagged me off also to them and other people but then when he apologises until the next fight will never say a nasty thing! He was abused when he is little and I think he might have depression from it but he never speaks to me about it when I have asked. I feel like a lot of the abuse is my fault as I must say things to make him mad. On social media he has also put things up about me and recently has been hitting me and punching me! He threw my stuff over his neighbours garden the other day and made me go round to get it, he then hit me with a side of the dustpan I was cleaning with and it cut me deep and is very bruised! He does this a lot now and I'm scared my mum picks up on my bruises but I don't say anything as he is very close to my family and I know he is a nice person just with issues, I know he would treat someone better just not me as I obviously do things wrong. I need help please!

    Anonymous - 07/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi there

      Thank you for your post, it must have taken a lot of courage to write in.

      We’re sorry to hear you’ve been suffering emotional and pysical abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it's not your fault. It can damage your confidence and your self-worth.

      Signs of emtional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do. Physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour.

      We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      As you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk in confidence about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      We hope this helps

      Best wishes


      This Is Abuse team 08/05/2014

  • Lucy

    07/05/2014

    Hello,

    I am not sure who is abusing who in my relationship or how to fix it. My boyfriend and me argue a lot and he says I cause them all by talking about problems I make up. I don't feel I make them up and he says I need to think about my mistakes and behaviour and he can be very angry and sarcastic.

    Hes only kind when we have sex or before. . . I told him I dont feel we spend enough. Time together and feel our relationship is based on txting. We are at uni together in our final year so distance is no issue.

    Thanks,

    Lucy

    Lucy - 07/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lucy

      Thanks for your message. It sounds like you’re going through a tough time.

      There are lots of signs of emotional abuse, so it’s important that you’re aware of what it looks like. The Spot the Signs page on this website includes behaviours that may mean you’re in an abusive relationship: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse

      There are two websites that you might find helpful to look at as well. One is Women's aid(www.womensaid.org.uk) and the other which is specifically for young people is www.respectnotfear.co.uk Both websites have information on them about abuse including emotional abuse.

      You can also speak to someone in confidence by contacting the 24 hour, National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      We hope that helps
      Best wishes

      This Is Abuse team 08/05/2014

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