This is ABUSE

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Worried about abuse in your relationship?

Young people have asked questions about abuse within their relationships, they may have been through something similar to you and the responses may help give you advice on your own relationship.

If you have any questions about abuse, or you are in an abusive relationship, or you just want to talk to someone, there are specialist organisations that can help you. Visit the Need Help section and you can contact people who can give you help and support.

Watch these videos to spot the signs of abuse within relationships

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Results: 75 - 90 of 2291

  • K


    I no this may sound stupid but I don't no if I'm getting abused. When me and my bf argue he gets so angry and punches stuff it's like he just blacks out he's raised his hand to me but not done anything physical. My friend thinks he's mentally abusing me but I'm not sure. He Blames it on me if he gets angry everything is always my fault. I feel scared and I don't no weather it's because I've been in abusive relationships before I dont no :/ he made comments on my appearance then when I get offended he just says its a joke. And when he gets angry in a argument he says we won't do it again and he always does ive told him to go anger managent but he said basically I should be a mind reader and set it up. I feel like I can't speak to my best friend because I don't want him to be mad I find myself deleting messages. I also feel he's up to something on his phone last night I see a naked girl on his screen of his phone when I asked to see his phone he got angry again! Then finally let me see his phone and nothing was on there he told me he was watching porn so I said send me the pages you was watching but this girl I see on his phone before wasn't on any of it he told me I had embrassed him and that I always think he's ip to something but this girl weren't on any of them videos and it's like he talks me round all the time and makes he feel like I'm mad. Advice would be great thank you

    K - 12/02/2015

    • HI K

      Thanks for your message.
      I think your friend is right - this is emotional abuse and control. It is not ok to hit things and make you feel scared, or to raise a hand to you - even if he doesn't hurt you, as the threat of it is also a form of abuse.

      None of this is your fault, but it is a common thing for abusers to blame the people they are abusing as they don't want to take responsibility for their behaviour. Also, anger is not an excuse for abuse.

      I'm sorry to hear that you have been in abusive relationships before, it must be so hard to go through this again.
      It's really good you are looking for advice and help though as you don't have to try to cope with this alone.
      Only you can decide if you want to stay with him, but unfortunately he is unlikely to change unless he admits he is being abusive and gets professional help. That is his responsibility and it is not yours to try to change him. The most important thing is your safety and wellbeing.

      Here are some tips to help keep safe:

      It's good you have told your friend but can you tell other people such as family or someone at school/college/work or a doctor - someone who can really help you stay safe and think about your options?

      I hope this helps
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 02/03/2015

  • Anon


    Me and my boyfriend have experienced a lot of issues in our relationship which stem from our
    personality clash, his anger, his smoking and constant suffocating me.

    I caught him messaging his ex about us and asking her advice on us, I am jealous over this When I said things he was aggressive he grabbed me by my throat and was pushing me over. He threatened to commit suicide.

    He is becoming more violent and All the time I am feeling it is my fault but I know it's not his either.
    I understand I am not perfect as I did have a very stubborn/sarcastic and independent. Due to his anger he always takes his mood out on me even when he says he's not.

    I don't tell mam or dad anything.

    Everything has turned crazy, I found texts from another girl, I feel so irrational about it I feel bad for being so insanely jealous all the time.

    I know he loves me very much and would never do anything to hurt me intentionally it's just his anger and depression that makes him this way.

    Anon - 11/02/2015

    • Thanks for you detailed message, it really help me understand what is happening for you. It was a little too long to post here so I have edited it down but I have read all of it.

      Firstly, anger problems, mental health issues and substance use are not excuses for abusive behaviour. Also, you have done nothing wrong, he is the only person responsible for what is happening.

      It is not ok to try to force someone to have sex, or to physically hurt them. Also, threatening to hurt himself is another form of abuse and trying to control you. It must be awful when he takes an overdose but ultimately that is his choice and not your responsibility. That sounds really harsh, but he cannot blame you for that.
      i am also concerned that the way he treats you makes you feel like ending your own life.

      If you do feel like this, please contact someone as you don't have to cope with this alone.
      There is an amazing organisation called papyrus who support anyone under 35 who is feeling like self-harming or ending their life. You can email, ring or text them and there is lots of great information on their website:
      Call: 0800 068 41 41 - Mon-Fri: 10am-10pm, weekends & bank holidays: 2pm-5pm
      SMS: 07786 209697

      I can hear that you love him and that you believe he loves you to, but a genuine loving relationship is built on trust and respect, not threats and fear. As I said, anger and depression are not excuses or reasons to be abusive,it is always a choice. I know that is really hard to hear, but it is great that you are looking for advice and support.

      Telling other people what has been going on is really helpful - it helps you cope and keeps you safer.
      Here are some other tips to help keep safe -

      Only you can decide if you want to stay in the relationship but I am concerned about you being with him. Your wellbeing and safety are the most important things. If you want to talk more about this you can call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 - they are open 24 hours a day and you can talk to them confidentially. They can give you advice and tell you about local services.

      We also have a live chat service on here every tues and weds night between 6-7pm if you want to talk to us more,

      I really hope this helps,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 04/03/2015

  • Tom


    i'm 14 and being abused by my mum, i don't know how to get out of it, she beats me everyday.

    Tom - 09/02/2015

    • Hi Tom

      I am so pleased that you wrote to us.

      It is not ok for your mum to do this. Can you tell anyone? Does anyone else in your family know who could help?

      A really good person to speak to would be a teacher at school? They will know how to help you.

      You can also call childline - if you can't do it from home maybe you can ring them from school or a friends house?
      0800 1111
      They also have a live chat service online.

      Because you are 14, people like teachers, social workers and the police have a duty to make sure you are ok and safe. You can talk to any of these people and they will help you,

      I know it must be really scary and upsetting but you are doing the right thing in asking for help,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 16/02/2015

  • Anonymous


    A year ago I was in an abusive relationship, I won't say anymore than that for his sake, I'll just say he was abusive.
    In September I started a new college course and was really excited because my current boyfriend and I were starting at the same college, although different courses. But then after the first day, he tells me that my abusive ex is in his course.
    Not only this, but they've become friends. My current boyfriend is wonderful and would never abuse me so I'm not worried about him turning out the same, but he does know what my ex did to me and still insists he's a nice guy. I just feel that my ex is still having a control over my life now that I thought I'd finally gotten away from him. It hurts because where at first I was excited about my boyfriend's course, I now want to know nothing about it because the person I fear most is a big part of the course.
    I'm just so upset about this situation and have no one to tell about it.

    Anonymous - 09/02/2015

    • Hi

      Thanks for your message. That sounds like such a difficult situation for you. I can understand why this is really hard, especially as your boyfriend is saying he is nice and not really understanding how much the abuse affected you and what you went through.

      Have you been able to tell him how upset this is making you? Do you feel safe in the college if he is there too? It would be a good idea to have a plan in place for what to do if you bump into him.

      Maybe your boyfriend does not realise how you feel and what you went through. You could also think about talking to someone at the college - they should have counsellors or people that you can talk to confidentially.

      I hope this helps,

      take care

      This is Abuse team - 20/02/2015

  • Mimi


    Where do I start? I met this guy two years ago and we quite quickly began a serious relationship, he moved in with me and we'd spend every moment that we weren't working together. In the beginning we had both just got out of relationships so we went behind each other's backs a bit to still see our ex's. But then he started sleeping with his ex. I forgave him and we moved on. A few months later I was diagnosed withan ectopic pregnancy and I can't really say he helped me through it, he was sleeping with his ex and truly took advantage of my emotional state because he knew I'd welcome him back with both arms after loosing the baby. Things started to look up and I moved back home with my mum and we continued to spend every night together with our group of friends etc. he cheats on me again. I forgive him because he was my whole life, my friends were his friends and I got myself in such a habit with him that I couldn't be alone. Then things turnt nasty, we broke up and I was diagnosed with boderline personality disorder and began acting out to gain his attention, I won't share the details but I do hold my hands up- I was very manipulative. But then he was to me, he completely alienated me from all my friends, feeding me lies and turning me against them which left me with just him. I then fell pregnant again in the December and miscarried, which he blamed me for, I killed our baby. Earlier last year we split up or 'went on a break' and he started a relationship with one of my best friends but was still sleeping with me and grovelling to me to get back together. This went on for four months and I was totally unaware. Yes- I did sleep with someone else during this time and it was a one off thing. I started to see a counsellor for my bpd and I really began to make improvements. When I found out about his affair I was extremely hurt and decided that it was time to end the relationship. He didn't let me, he manipulated me and lied to me to keep me with him. He has continued to sleep with this other girl behind my back since then and it's got to the stage now where I must sit at home and wait for him whilst he's out with friends or sleeping with somebody, otherwise he gets abusive. I don't know what to do, I have nobody else to turn to but him. If I'm not with him I have no one, and he knows that and uses it to do whatever he likes. Any advice would be muchly appreciated.

    Mimi - 07/02/2015

    • Hi Mimi

      Thanks for your message, It sounds like your relationship has been really difficult and abusive for a long time.

      It is not ok or respectful for him to be cheating on you and it must really hurt, especially with the ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage. These are such awful things to go through and you need the support of your partner.

      It is also not ok for him to make you sit and wait for him while he is with someone else.

      Are you still having counselling? If not I really suggest that you ask your doctor for another referral as it's important you get the support you need for the bpd as well as everything else you are going through.

      If you need support in coping with the miscarriage, then this is a really good organisation:
      They can help you get through this really difficult time.

      And this is a link for finding local support in coping with your BPD:

      In terms of the abuse - does anyone else know what is happening? Are you still living at home? Can you tell your mum? Or anyone else like a teacher, doctor etc? It's important that you get support.
      You can also ring the national domestic violence helpline anytime on 0808 2000 247 or search for local services here:

      And here are some safety tips:

      It is your choice as to whether you stay in the relationship but I am concerned for your well-being and can't see his behaviour changing. You deserve to be with someone who will love and respect you and care for you when times are difficult. Most men are not abusive and do not cheat in relationships. If you do decide to leave it is important to do so safely (see tips in link above) and let others know what you are planning.

      I really hope this helps and you get the support you need,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 23/02/2015

  • Thomas


    I faced abuse online mainly from various people they added me on Facebook since then it's been tough what also has made this worse it that last year it went from abuse to confrontation in real life

    People believe the other people giving me abuse so I can't do anything it's mostly verbal about my disabilities but I have also faced relationship abuse as well

    Thomas - 07/02/2015

    • Hi Thomas

      Thanks for your message. I am so sorry to hear about the abuse you are experiencing both on and off line. It must be very difficult. It is never ok to abuse anyone for any reason including disability.

      Can you talk to anyone about this? I was wondering if you can talk to family or maybe someone at school/college? It must be so hard if people are not believing you but there are people who can help.

      One thing you can do is to contact childline who can listen and give you advice:
      0800 1111
      They also have a live chat service.

      I would encourage you to try to tell people like someone at school and show them any evidence you have such as abusive messages you may have had online.

      I hope this helps,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 20/02/2015

  • Anon


    Is your boyfreind telling you when you can or can't go on your phone ,abuse???

    Anon - 07/02/2015

    • Hi

      Yes this can be a form of emotional abuse and control.

      This checklist may be useful as it identifies different types of abuse:

      It is never ok to to control someone and their access to their belongings or a phone that they can call people for support on.

      There is lots more info on our site about this and how to get help if you need it,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 16/02/2015

  • Riley Star


    I am 19 and have been with my boyfriend almost a year now. At first, I was happy but now I'm not so sure what I want. When I met him I was in a bad place and was drinking very often but he helped me through it, without knowing of course, I didn't want him to know I was in a bad place. Since being with him ive not drank since but he became very possessive and rude toward me. I was isolated from my friends and I now have no one to talk to. I am not allowed to go out with friends and he constantly tells me that I'm 'checking out other guys' even though I make sure to look at the ground all the time so he can't make accusations. He doesn't like me to talk to other men and makes me delete and block guys off facebook and other social websites all the time but, he ALWAYS talks to other females. It's one rule for him and another for me. I'm not allowed to argue with him about it as it makes him very angry but I don't see why I the one who is accused all the time and am always in the wrong. I'm not allowed to speak to my friends or go out with my friends OR HAVE A JOB because men could or will be there. What do I do?

    Riley Star - 07/02/2015

    • Hi Riley Star

      Thank you for your message. I am sorry to hear about the abuse that you are experiencing.

      It is never ok to isolate you, control who you speak to or to stop you from getting a job. These are all forms of emotional abuse and control.

      I am not sure if you live with him or if you have time where you can contact people for help? Does anyone know what has been going on? I know he has tried to stop you from seeing your friends but I am sure they will still want to support you if you can contact them.

      If you want to leave the relationship here are some safety tips:

      You can also call the national domestic violence helpline anytime on 0808 2000 247.

      You have done nothing wrong and deserve to be loved and respected,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 16/02/2015

  • Anonymous


    I am in a current abusive relationship, unfortunately my partner lives in my house. I can't leave and I don't know how to get rid of him. I don't know what to do.

    Anonymous - 04/02/2015

    • Hi
      Thanks for your message. I am sorry to hear about your situation but you are doing the right thing in asking for help.

      It can be really hard living with someone who is abusing you and it can feel like there is no escape but there are people who can help you.

      Firstly here are some safety tips for when you are still living with him:

      Are you able to make calls without him knowing? Perhaps you could do this at work/uni/friends house?

      You can call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 and they can explain your options and support you.

      You can also get housing advice.
      Shelter have a helpline where you can get free housing advice - 0808 800 4444 - it's open 8am–8pm on weekdays and 8am–5pm on weekends

      And general free legal advice. They can tell you about your rights, and about injunctions etc to keep him away from you:

      For women in England and Wales
      Call 020 7251 6577
      Monday 7-9pm, Tuesday 7-9pm, Wednesday 7-9pm, Thursday 7-9pm, Friday 12-2pm
      For women in London
      Call 020 7608 1137
      Monday 11am-1pm, Tuesday 2-4pm, Wednesday 2-4pm

      You can also ring the police anytime. Your safety is the most important thing here, I really hope this helps,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 16/02/2015

  • MP


    Hi, my friend is currently in an abusive relationship, but won't seem to admit that she is... And I feel if she doesn't tell anyone something bad is going to happen. She refuses to tell her parents or even a close family friend which could help her. Her maiin excuse is that he stills loves her but should I get involved by telling her parents or police? As she said that if someone finds out he will do something bad to either her or whoever told on her...

    MP - 01/02/2015

    • Hi MP

      Thanks for your message. It's really good your friend has you to support her, but I know how hard that can be.

      I hear that you want her to tell someone, but you are both worried that he has threatened to do something to whoever tells, but this is also a form of abuse and control.

      It's so hard for people who are in abusive relationships when they still feel they love the person or they are scared. It can be so hard to tell anyone but the most important thing is her safety and the only way to really keep her safe is if people who can help know what is going on.

      This is a leaflet for friends who are worried about what to do - I think it will help you.

      Here are some tips about keeping safe:

      It's ok to tell a teacher or parents about what is happening. Teachers will know what to do and if her parents are worried they can always call the national domestic violence helpline for advice on 0808 2000 247. You can also ring the police.

      i hope this helps, you are a great friend, get support for yourself too as it can be hard to cope with this,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 16/02/2015

  • Zee


    I don't know how to get out. I don't know who I can speak to. I've been with my partner for 3 years and it was only a year ago he started hurting me. But he justifies it by saying he doesn't hit me he just throws me around or strangles me so to him it's not beating a woman. He controls my life so I have to lie about simple things like going to the shops but he somehow always finds out then makes me send him my location every ten minutes so he knows where I am and then tells me I bring it on myself because I lied to him. He controls what I eat he makes me practically beg to do anything from putting on make up to going to buy food. We are engaged and he threatens to call off the engagement if I don't listen to him. He always degrades me but I don't care anymore I just want an out. He checks my emails and texts and location all the time. Everytime I tell him to leave he hurts me even more and continually calls me a slut and tells me I want to break up so I can sleep with other men. I have tried everything to let go. I feel ashamed for letting myself be degraded in this way sometimes I feel like I deserve it

    Zee - 01/02/2015

    • Hi Zee

      I am so glad you got in touch. What is happening to you is very abusive and very worrying.

      He is being incredibly physically abusive. Throwing you around and strangling you IS physical abuse and is very serious. I am very concerned for your welfare and safety.

      He is also being very controlling and emotionally abusive. It is never ok to control where someone goes, what they do, what they wear etc. Making you send your location and checking your texts and emails is also very controlling.

      Please do not feel ashamed. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and nothing to deserve this. He is the only one responsible for his behaviour.

      It's really good that you want to leave and that you have taken this first step to getting help, that was really brave.

      Ok, I am wondering if anyone else knows what has been happening? It's important that other people know so you can keep safe and are supported. Can you tell family or friends? Someone at work/college etc?

      This is a link with some important info on about keeping safe:

      One thing to do as soon as you can is to ring the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 - they are open 24 hours a day. They can give you confidential advice (you can delete the call from your phone after in case he checks).
      They can also look to see if there are any refuge places which you can go to. Refuges are safe houses where you can live and he will not be able to find you.
      I know this may sound scary or overwhelming but it may be the best option as he is so abusive and controlling. In a refuge you would have a support worker who will help you get through this practically and emotionally and can help you find somewhere else to live (I am presuming you live together?).

      You can always ring the police on 999 and this would be a really good idea as he is being very violent. Strangulation attempts are very, very serious and the police will be able to protect you. You can also apply for an injunction to keep him away from you. Here is some info about that:

      And Rights of Women give free legal advice:
      020 7251 6577

      I am not sure if you go to college or if you work - these are good places to be able to ask for help, use the phone unmonitored etc. If not, can you go to someone's house and do that? You can also tell a doctor about what is happening.

      I know I have given you a lot of information and a lot to think about.
      It's because I am very concerned about you and want you to be safe.
      I really hope you are able to contact the police and/or the helpline. They can protect you and you deserve to be safe and happy. There are lots of people who can help you, so you are not alone.

      You can also come back here anytime if you need to talk more,
      take care zee

      This is Abuse team - 08/02/2015

  • shae


    I get bullied because I uploaded a video of me singing on youtube and i thought i was good, so did all my friends. i regret putting it on there now but i forgot my email and password so i cant get onto my account to delete them and i have been self harming and thinking of suicide, i cant keep calm EVER when they shout out my youtube name! if you would like to look, go ahead, take the micky but i need this to stop! NOW!!!! Help???

    shae - 30/01/2015

    • Hi Shae

      I am really sorry to hear you are being bullied. It will be possible to take the video down, although harder if you can't remember your email address?
      This link looks like it will help as you can say that you have forgotten your email and/or password.
      Or you can contact youtube directly and explain what is going on.

      I understand why the bullying has made you so upset.
      I know it doesn't help but often bullying happens because people are jealous. Maybe they thought your singing was really good and were jealous of that?
      If you feel like self-harming or are thinking about suicide, please get some help. You have so much to live for, so please contact this organisation who support younger people who are feeling like this:
      Call: 0800 068 41 41 - Mon-Fri: 10am-10pm, weekends & bank holidays: 2pm-5pm
      SMS: 07786 209697

      I hope you are able to take the video down if you want to, but keep singing, I bet you are awesome!
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 08/02/2015

  • Azzy


    At the age of 13 I was told by my family that I was going to **** for a holiday. As you know I was so happy because it was my first time going out of UK. When I got to ****, it was so different from UK, the people, the houses and language. As I didn't understand the language I didn't know what most of the people who came to my house was saying. One day I was walking towards the living room when I heard my family sayin ' that I would marry this guy when I turn 16' I was shocked I didn't know what was going on. The people I loved was going to give me away to someone I didn't know. Well anyway there was a wedding so my family asked if I would like to go , I said no as that day I wasn't feeling too good. When everyone left I heard a knock on the door and it was the guy I was going to get married too! He pushed me towards the wall so he could close the door. I fell onto the fall. That day was the worst day of my life. The day I will never forget, I was RAPED not once but three times, I was abused. Few weeks later I came back to UK. I heard my family saying that I should go back to *** as I'm not learning anything in school. I rang childline up and was taken into care until the age of 18, I loved my foster mum she was the best, she always treated me good and like a daughter, for the first time I felt a mothers love. At the age of 18 I got a job and rented a flat out, I wanted to move on and live my life. At 19 I got myself into depression that there was no way out, I stopped eating for weeks and took any tablets I could get hold of. I wanted my life to end because I couldn't handle it no more. At that time my family got in contact with me and I forgiven them for what they did too me. They took advantage of my depression and brought me back home to make me suffer for leaving them. My **** keep an eye on me 24/7, I can't use my phone or talk to my friends. I can only use my phone when I'm alone for 10minz if my mum is cooking, I can't go out unless I have someone with me, I can't take my depression tablets because they keep taking it off me when I get tablets from doctors, they call my every name under the sun they tell me I don't have no self respect that I'm ugly fat ect.... I don't know what to do? I don't know if I call this abuse or what? I have done everything for them I give them my money that I get! But they never happy.. I self harm my self because it makes me feel better, iv tooken overdose a few times. I just don't want to live anymore, I just want to go faaaarrrrrrr away from them: but have no where to go because I feel so alone

    Azzy - 28/01/2015

    • Hi Azzy

      I am so glad you got in touch, it is really important that you get some help.

      You have had a really difficult time, with the threat of forced marriage and also being raped. These things are hugely traumatic, abusive and not to mention illegal.

      I am so glad you rang childline - that was a really brave thing to do, and it sounds like you had a lovely foster mum to support you.

      Depression is such a difficult illness to have and also unfortunately common after rape and abuse. It's not surprising that you wanted to reunite with your family and to try to rebuild those relationships but it sounds like they took advantage of your vulnerability and are now controlling what you do and your access to medication.

      I understand how sometimes self-harming can feel like a release but it can make you feel worse in the long run as well as putting your life at risk. You say you have also taken overdoses and don't want to live anymore. I am really concerned about you Azzy and it's important that you get the help you need and deserve.

      Remember how you turned you life around when you were 16 and rang childline? Try to see this as another opportunity for things to get better. This is the first step on that journey.

      I know you can't use your phone for long but here are some people to contact to get help.
      Firstly if you are feeling suicidal or like hurting yourself, please call this organisation -they are lovely and can help you:
      Call: 0800 068 41 41 - Mon-Fri: 10am-10pm, weekends & bank holidays: 2pm-5pm
      You can also email or text them:
      SMS: 07786 209697

      You can also call the police anytime to report what is happening to you.

      Another organisation called Karma Nirvana help people with issues to do with forced marriage. I know that happened in the past but it may be that your family try this again, and also the abuse you are going through now is all linked:
      This is their helpline: 0800 5999 247

      Are you still in touch with your foster mum? Maybe she can also help, she will also be able to contact social services on your behalf who could help keep you safe and they will know the best people locally to help you.

      I know you feel alone right now, but there are lots of people who care and who can help. You can come back here anytime to talk more, you are not alone.
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 07/02/2015

  • E


    I'm not sure if this is the right place but maybe i can get some answers..

    i have been with my boyfriend a little over a year.
    not a week goes by where a argument doesn't happen.. no matter how silly it is, it is ALWAYS my fault. I'm always forced to be the one to apologise.

    recently i saw he was message a female work colleague. she gave him her number and he's gone on to save it on his phone.
    he has been so paranoid about me getting with someone else that i don't even speak to another male outside of my work place.
    as he has had problems over nothing with me before i confronted him asking if this was anything to be concerned about. he hit the roof. he went crazy with me. calling me pathetic and a malicious cow. i didn't see where this came from? how was i a malicious cow for being upfront and honest about something that bothered me?

    he broke up with me over it and when i said that it was okay (because this is just 1 of 100's arguments where its made to be my fault) because even though i love him dearly, i thought it would be best for me. he then said that i can have another chance.

    he hasn't apologised ONCE. he shouts and me, he swears at me, calls me every name under the sun on MANY occasions. everything is ALWAYS my fault and he always makes out I'm such an awful girlfriend.

    i do EVERYTHING for him and receive nothing in response.

    i feel stuck in this relationship. i know i deserve more than this but i love him. what do i do?

    E - 27/01/2015

    • Hi E

      This is absolutely the right place to come for advice and I am really glad you did!

      Ok, it sounds like he is being emotionally abusive and blaming everything on you despite you having done nothing wrong.

      Any kind of abuse in a relationship is never ok. It can be so hard when you love someone but hate their behaviour. You are right - you do deserve better, you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

      If you decide you want to leave the relationship then that is your decision. He may try to offer you 'another chance' again but it's not you that needs that! Try to think about the positives of leaving and all you have to look forward to. Maybe write down a list of things to look forward to and reasons to not go back to him if he tries to convince you. It will be hard at first but will get much easier.

      Most men are not abusive or controlling so future relationships will not be like this.

      I really hope this helps,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 07/02/2015

  • fez


    I met this person online in 2007 through a friend who was on my msn list. he added him to the convo and we started chatting. I didn't think too much of it, he added me to friends list and we spoke now and then. I had gone to London to see my friend in London in Oct 2008 and the night I came back I had a witheld call my phone, i answered it and it was this guy J. (I believe i had given him my number earlier in the year - we may have spoken on the phone before and was very pleasant).
    By 2009 we were talking more on the phone and MSN, I had graduated in the winter on 2008 and was still looking for work, Not much to do and with no money we kept talking. Then somewhere along the line it was a january maybe in 2009/2010 I told him i told want to talk to you and he went mental. I had given him my house number and address once on the phone as a joke i said it really fast as he would say if you love me you'll give me it. The bad thing was he memorized it so that day when we argued and i said i didnt want to talk to him he rang my house phone at 1/1.30am in the morning when all my family was sleeping. I then immediately rang him back from my house phone as i had no credit and was crying as i couldn't believe he had done that and he was going crazy and saying you can't leave me etc. Then somewhere along the line, i started to get prank calls and texts saying its J's wife. J would say its my cousin playing games. Along with the house phone calls and this and then seeing his picture (which i did not like) i realised i started to hate him and what he had done to me. COntrolling my life, not letting me see my friends, not letting me use my facebook, made me snap my sim card with my number i had for 10 years. Making sure i answered his calls to make sure i wasn't out anywhere - he would listen to the background to make sure no boys. And send me abusive text messages calling me a fat b"tch cheating as i didnt answer calls. he once saw some messages an old friend send on FB and went crazy. logs on to facebook and twitter and email accounts, sent any messages he thought were from guys (going back to school days) to himself in a secret email address. I wasn't allowed access to his information.I went to london for my friends hen party and J is from there, we went out to eat and he was watching us from the side of the road and then came to our hotel and made me see him. this was late night but i had to text him all of my locations as i thought i was protecting my family. (this is in april 2010) I wasn't sure how they would react and they may think bad of me (as i'm from a conservative asian family).
    J is also asian.
    Then in jan 2011 i had to go to friends wedding as i was bridesmaid he made me swear on my dad's life i wouldn't go but i couldn't back out, i had the matching dresses etc. anyway he bombareded my with calls and txts. and then rang my house luickly my dad didnt know who it was and he didnt say anything. he would send texts to my house so the phone rings and the text is read out. I hate him.
    He stopped working and alsways aparently sold drugs on the side. No job and so free time to ruin my life.
    i think in may 2011 we went to london for my birthday to stay at our friends and we went to a club which he came to. my friend said shall we go and get food so we left the otheres there and went to eat. he went crazy and bombareded my calls and then came to pick me up - i made a story saying he's my cousins cousin as my other friend who i was with was from london and had called her bf to pick her up. J came drunk and said it was fault for going off he got drunk and which guys i came to meet etc.
    the next day i met him after meeting my cousin and before i went back to my friends house in london, i cried and he did saying he loves me.
    2012 he calmed down calling me and this contined for 2013. 2013 i had time with friends and had lunch and dinner out. and basically used my facebook with the email and password he set. i still would text and call but usually when he instigated it. 2013 i went on holiday for 2 days and he allowed it but did stres me out wanting to knw everything and why id idnt answer was i with boys. 2014 again reasonable - i could handle it. then he started calling and on 29th Nov i was out for xmas do with my friends at the theatre and i text back saying i am with my family i cant talk and because i didnt answer so he could listen to background he flipped saying you're with guys. then from there to now its been hell. i had a holiday in late december which is he allowed but one day he called 80 times as i was too tired to talk to him, we had been walking all day and i said my friends are in bed and so am i. he goes go out in the hall and i was like im in my Pj's and he goes you got guys in room although i let him listen - he was screaming - bombardin my phone with text couldnt txt back - messgaes full.
    Then the next day i didnt receive any calls after we spoke in the morning where i was begging him to understand. and basiclaly no calls no texts then i left for england that evening and when i got to airport started again. he was txting calling wanting to hear background when i greeted my family on the way home in the car. when i got home i didnt and couldn spend time with my family i had to talk to him - even my dad was asking about me. and then i fell aslp by accident and woke up at 3.30 am and he was still calling non-stop - answered had to go down stairs and explained. he said im not goign to slp - that is what he says a lot that this is his time and i owe him. i comply as he always threathens to call my house. Then the next morning i had to start my new job, all weeek he wouldnt let me slp til 2/3am and talk on way to work, at lunch and on the drive home and when i got home. Now its 3 weeks later he is more or less the same - he wants to spek on skype now. last night he went out and i had gone to bed and he was llike if you don't talkt ot me il call your house - spoke on skype crying - i hate him.
    Today i coudnlt take it said i was going to take my life to get away from him and asked him to leave me alone. he says he would but like always says i will do this to myself and do that. he wil come to my house and tell my dad what i did to him. he left his wife and kids for me (which i knew nothing about or their existance until his wife emailed me pics and even then he denyed it). i told him i am going to ask the police if his behaviour is correct and he goes ur not allowed.
    I dont know what to do.
    how do i get rid of him without my family ever knowing.
    i cnat take it no more
    too many years
    my head hurts
    i cant breathe he makes me need to use the bathroom thinking about him and i wish he out of my life.
    I dont know how to get out of this mess.
    I feel stupid as 30 year old educted woman controlled my this low life of a guy.
    i have only met him twice and once he came outside my house and sat in his car.
    please help me get through his - none of my friends know, i can't talk to my family.

    fez - 27/01/2015

    • Hi Fez

      I am so glad you got in touch. It sounds like you have been experiencing emotional abuse, control and harassment for over 7 years. This must feel unbearable. It is so great that you have reached out for help though as you deserve to be happy and safe and the good news is there are people who can help you.

      Firstly, you are not to blame for this - you did not know he was married and over the years he groomed you to get information and to gradually control you. This is harassment and is against the law.
      If you want to you can report this to the police - they will probably ask for evidence of calls/texts to show a course of conduct but the law states that a course of conduct is 2 or more incidents which you can clearly prove. It is a good idea to keep a log of any interaction you have with him and save any messages especially threats and also how each one made you feel.

      I think it would also be a good idea to give the national stalking helpline a call as they will totally understand this form of abuse and will be able to advise you.
      They are open to take calls Monday to Friday 9:30am – 4pm (except Wednesdays where we open at 1pm.
      0808 802 0300
      You can also email us on

      They can tell you about your options legally and also in terms of keeping safe.

      I am also very concerned that you have thought about ending your life. I understand how you may feel there is no other option but you have coped with this for so long, now you are finally getting help so there is a wonderful future to look forward to, free from abuse.
      If you do feel suicidal though, please contact the samaritans 24 hours a day on 08457 90 90 90

      I know you don't want anyone else to know about this, but it would be good if people around you can support you. You may find that they respond really well and just want to help. At the very least please do contact the helpline as it is really important you get the help you need. You do not have to be controlled by this anymore,

      take care

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2015

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