HAVE YOUR SAY
Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships
If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board.
The chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.
Seen the ads? What do you think?
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Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?
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Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?
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Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you've got something to say about abuse in relationships then you'll need to accept our terms before you can take part - please see our rules on the right side of the page. You can then enter your comments below or under any video you want to talk about.
Lily
07/04/2013
I think no one should ever have to experience abuse in relationships.
I was a victim of sexual assault by a 'classmate' who used to pin me against walls and touch my boobs and but and my other place.
He said if I ever told anyone he would say that I told him to touch me, so for a while i stayed quiet. When I told my mum what was happening she got me moved schools , then she told the school what the boy was doing.
my mum was abused and controlled by my dad.(who doesn't live with me anymore) he used to hit her sometimes and shout at her if she did something wrong by accident even. If he didnt get his own way then he would shout at her and put her down.
My nan was in an abusive relationship when she was a teenager. Her boyfriend used to beat her and rape her, but no body would believe my nan, so they ignored her and she had to suffer.
Lukily she escaped the abuse but she says that she can still remember all the horrible things that he did to her.
I hope that one day Abuse won't exist in relationships, because i don't want my children having to suffer what me, my mum, and my nan have.
Lily - 07/04/2013
ReplyHI Lily
Thanks for getting in touch.
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is totally unacceptable. Please understand that this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
If you are unsure of what is or isn’t classed as sexual abuse or assault, examples can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.
If you are ever put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to, it’s important to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.
And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. They offer counselling and support for women who have experienced any form of sexual violence, not just rape.
If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
me
07/04/2013
hi i have been with my boyfriend 5 years hes spat in my face pushed my head up a window and said he will finish me off called me a slag slut tart and everyother name he can think of. ive lost ten stone and have some lose skin he calls me a mess and need to sort my skin out am now a size 12 i was a 24. he says am controllin am not just dont know what to say without being the wrong person, he says theres better women at the gym and half the time he cant stand me. hes said he will leave but always says he will do my car over and my house av kids so i darent let him go. am i being abused am lost to weather am comin or goin now!
me - 07/04/2013
ReplyHi me,
Thanks very much for messaging us.
Yes from what you've said your boyfriend is subjecting you to both emotional and physical abuse. Click here to find out more about the signs of such abuse - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/spot-the-signs.
No one should be treated like that, abuse is wrong and should not be tolerated. You are not alone, and there are people who can help you. We would urge you to call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge). You have the right to be safe and they will be able to help, support and advise you.
girl15
07/04/2013
Me and my boyfriend have been together on and off for two years he used to cheat on me a lot, but that's changed more and he's serious about us and he's grown up loads. Lately I feel like he wants the relationship more than I do, and I feel trapped and like I can't get out of it.
He's jealous and always checks up on me. He says it's because I've given him a reason too, i've lied to him in the past but never cheated on him or anything like that. He always goes down my phone, and get's annoyed when I don't see him everyday.
We argue a lot over minor things, he was anger issues which causes him to get really angry and aggressive. He's never hit me, but he's restrained me like held me down ect. He calls names when he's angry and after says it's only cause he was angry and that he says stupid things.
When I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore.. He threatens to kill himself. And self harms, i've seen proof of it.
What do I do? Is this abuse?
girl15 - 07/04/2013
ReplyHi girl15,
Thanks for your message.
Signs of emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do. From what you've described, it sounds like your boyfriend is exhbiting this type of controlling behaviour, and if he's getting aggressive, it could lead to physical abuse. Abuse in or out of a relationship is wrong, you should not tolerate it. There is no excuse for it, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you, and it can damage your confidence and your self-worth so we would encourage you to talk to someone about it, especially if your boyfriend is also blackmailing you into staying in the relationship.
Please try and find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
Your boyfriend should also speak to someone about his self-harming - you can also go to http://www.selfharm.org.uk/default.aspa where you can find out more about self-harm and get advice. The Samaritans can also help; take a look at their website at http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ or email jo@samaritans.co.uk. He can also call the Samaritans helpline on 08457 909090.
myself
06/04/2013
Last year I was in a relationship where I felt like I needed to be perfect. My skirt couldn't be too short or he would pretty much not talk to me I was told day after day that my boobs weren't big enough and he knew it would hurt me.
I would like to be a singer/songwriter but I feel like it wont happen because I was always told that my voice was bad and so were my songs he would tell secrets to my best friend and she wouldn't tell me because she knew it would hurt me and now that we are not together he thrives on the chance to hurt me emotionally.
myself - 06/04/2013
ReplyHi myself,
Thank you for posting your message.
Please understand that abuse is wrong and never okay, and emotional abuse can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of this type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.
We would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
Emily
06/04/2013
Hiya, I first got a boyfriend in September and it was great until I found him flirting with another girl. so I broke up with him, and now everyone is saying that its wrong? this sounds like a very boring story but I'm not really sure what to do, my mum knew about it not my dad, so Im not sure if I should bring it up to my parents. Help Me Please :)
Emily - 06/04/2013
ReplyHi Emily,
Thanks for your comment.
If your gut instinct was to break up with your boyfriend, have the confidence to trust yourself. We're sure your mum (and dad) would support your decision either way and be happy to talk to you about it. You can also speak to ChildLine in confidence, no problem is too big or too small for them. Their number is 0800 1111 or you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
emma
05/04/2013
My husband controls my every move....I love him but I'm so unhappy he hurts my feelings everyday with his words and has hurt me physically if I challenge him. He says its because he loves me and no-one else will ever love me like he does....is this true I'm confused and basically had enough!!!
emma - 05/04/2013
ReplyHi Emma,
Thanks for posting your message.
Please understand that abuse is wrong and never okay, and both physical and emotional abuse can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of these types of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you, preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do as well as slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour.
We would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You dont state your age but if you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
Anonymous
05/04/2013
I haven't spoken to anyone about my past relationship - I met him in September 2011 and we only started speaking in October 2011, then we got together in November 2011 it seems a bit weird I know but at the time it felt right.
How can you get with someone you've only known for 1 month? :/
So... at first everything was great we spend so much time with each other, that was the only thing I wanted to do.
I even lost communication with my family. He was my world I felt he was the one. We even went on holiday for 2 weeks. I trusted him so much.
Then all of a sudden he started to control me, telling me to always text him my whereabouts, this was going on for months without me realising he was controlling me. I wasn't allowed to wear certain clothes, wear certain make-up, I wasn't allowed to have Facebook or speak to boys.
Then he started to get physical he used to tell me to stand up against the wall and listen to him/ when I was doing something he would tell me to get up and listen to him. He even pushed my face against the door, through me across the room where my head nearly went through the window/ hit the wall. Everything I've just stated is bad I know but it gets even worse when he picked up a baseball bat and said he would use it on me, he pushed me to the floor and told me to hand all my money over, then he slapped me across the face, I was screaming just screaming I felt so sad, he bruised my face. He then said to me 'l do love you, but it's your fault'
When all this happened I should of left him and never spoke to him again but how do I do that
when he was supposed to be the love of my life? the man I spend almost everyday with the man I lived with for 3 months the man I went on holiday with the man I gave my all to.
I treated him so well, I cleaned up after him, fed him, ironed his clothes, paid for almost everything (his t.v, his bed, his bills, his mums bills, his clothes etc etc..)
To be honest, I did speak to him after all of this then I finally realised I need to do what's right and leave him and drop all communication I had with him. So January 2013 came and I went on holiday with my mum, sister and nephew and I realised I need to move on. So I came back and told him I couldn't be with him, it was so hurt but it had to be done.
He did leave me alone then he called me after about 4 weeks and said he wanted to be with me.
I stuck to my guns and I told him to leave me alone I put his number on my reject list so he couldn't contact me. But then he called me from his mum's phone and on private number so I put them numbers on my reject list too.
But, he then he started to threaten me that if I didn't take his number off my reject list he will come to me and I didn't want that. So... he called every night and I constantly told him stop calling me and leave me alone so eventually one night I said the same thing I normally say to him and I text him delete my number. & I never heard from him after that and it's been over 2 months now so that's a sign I guess.
I believe everything happens for a reason, I met him for a reason.
Inside of him somewhere I know he has a good heart but I wish he treated me well, I wasn't asking for too much. There was some days when he was just the best to me and days when he was the worst.
I'm so scared till this day that he might do something to me, I always have to watch my back I can hardly sleep at night, I have nightmares but I still put a brave face on.
I will forgive him one day but I need time.
I wanted to share this and it's made me feel a little bit better.
If a boy/ man - or this could be the other way round if a girl/woman ever mentally or physically hurts you drop him/her out I know it's hard but it's better to get hurt early than later. I never thought this would happen to me but it did and I've learnt so much since I met him.
Thank you for reading this.
Anonymous - 05/04/2013
ReplyHi Anonymous,
Thanks so much for posting on the site and for sharing with us. We are truly sorry to hear about everything you've been through. If you do want to talk to someone about your past relationship, and we would encourage you to do so if you're distressed, worried and having trouble sleeping, call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline in confidence on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge). They can give you the help and support you deserve, please give them a call.
tanni
05/04/2013
if you were forced to do things to a boy.. is that rape?? cause it happened to me and i didnt wanna do it
tanni - 05/04/2013
ReplyHi Tanni,
Being forced to take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is totally unacceptable. Please understand that this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. If you are unsure of what is or isn’t classed as sexual abuse or assault, examples can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.
If you are ever put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to, it’s important to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. They offer counselling and support for women who have experienced any form of sexual violence, not just rape.
If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
anonymous
04/04/2013
i would like to complain at your spotify adverts. i have heard the one where the boy is saying he hits his girlfriend. and the one of the girl saying shes been hit.
i want to complain at the fact, yes men are usually the 'violent' ones in relationships but you can get the often occasions of girls being the 'violent' ones and if there id any spotify listeners who are male and are being abused by their girlfriend they would probably feel as though someone understands where they are coming from and wont be afraid to speak up.
Also why are all the adverts heterosexual relationships, homosexual relationships can also be 'violent'.
anonymous - 04/04/2013
ReplyHi Anonymous,
Thanks for your feedback; we are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign.
We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse and indeed anyone can be the perpetrator too, whether they are female, male, gay or straight, and we are also aware that most teenage boys have normal and healthy relationships.
However, in abusive relationships the statistics show that it is usually the male in the relationship that is the abuser and the female the victim and therefore it is important for the campaign to reflect this.
Our objective is to help both boys and girls of any orientation spot the signs of abuse in relationships and raise awareness of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour, and although we depict a female victim in the advert, the messages are relevant for both boys and girls whether they are victims or abusers,
We have provided advice and information on the website which points all victims to the help they need - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help - including specific help for male victims of violence and abuse through Respect and Survivors UK. The site is also a forum where young people can pose questions and discuss the issue with their peers and experts in the field.
We also work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU
We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp
We welcome all views; it’s good that the campaign is prompting you to ask questions and seek more information.
sian
04/04/2013
i get really scared, this boy just beats me up&jumps on me.
I cannot stop him, hes like 3 years older than me,i cry myself in the night,what can i do?
They broke my relationship up, i cannot live without him, he was my everything, ive lost my life, theres nobody to protect me:(
sian - 04/04/2013
ReplyHI Sian
We’re sorry to hear that you’re being bullied. Unfortunately, bullying can be quite common.
You’ve taken the first step by messaging us. What you need to do next is try and find someone you trust to talk to, even if you find this difficult to do. And if you have difficulty talking about your experiences directly, you could write it all down for someone you trust to read.
It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
You can also contact Beat Bullying on www.beatbullying.org. They provide advice to help young people who are being bullied either face to face or online.
Baby Owl
04/04/2013
I've just visited the website after seeing the adverts on TV and I must say I think what you're doing is fantastic.
If they had been on 8 years earlier I may have been able to spot the signs of an abusive relationship when I was in one. I understand how difficult and scary it is to live with, but how much more frightening it is to leave.
Well done to all those involved in these adverts, keep up the good work and lets try to get them on as many channels as possible.
Baby Owl - 04/04/2013
ReplyHarry
04/04/2013
In light of what we now know about Jimmy Savile, it is now more important than ever that we show the world that abuse happens and we can't ignore it anymore, we can't pretend it isn't happening. Those victims were too scared to speak out about what happened while he was alive, but now that they have spoken out about what happened, the world is listening, the world is watching and for now the world cares! Police are changing how they treat victims and courts are changing how they deal with rape cases and it's because of you, all of you! You're all so brave to be speaking out about what has happened to you, it's thanks to you that the world is listening. Keep them listening, keep speaking out! It understandable why people don't talk about it publicly, it's so hard to face the truth but when you do, you can get help. The more we talk out about what's happening, the more likely we are to rid the world of people who commit these cowardly acts of trying to gain power over you... because they'll be too AFRAID to do it because they know we'll tell somebody. I'm doing my A-Levels at the moment, studying hard to go to University and hopefully one day change the world. It was a hard route... it was a dark journey and it took a while to get through it, but now I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Abuse changes a person, but it doesn't have to be negative, it can be a positive, put all of your energy from being sad, scared and angry into fighting against it, that's what I did. Thank you NHS mental health department for everything. H
Harry - 04/04/2013
ReplySarah
04/04/2013
I recently heard a talk about domestic violence and felt like I wanted to research into it.
I had always assumed that because, 8 years ago, my boyfriend began our relationship by idolising me, any of the following events that happened between us could not be considered forms of domestic abuse; instead they were just the words and actions of someone who cared for me more than anyone else had cared for me before.
One of my own family members was physically abused when I was a lot younger, and I had always thought that domestic abuse was only that which resulted in bruising, bleeding and broken bones.
8 years later I have realised that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 3 years of my teenage life, and I am only just coming to terms with it. I am thankful that the government are finally changing the definition of domestic abuse to include coercive control and to apply to teenagers (who are such a vulnerable section of society).
For the three years I was with this person, I felt like I had lost who I was, and like a spark had gone out within me. I was controlled until I no longer had a network of friends. I thought it was a normal part of relationships to be constantly checked up on and to spend 6 or 7 hours arguing on the phone.
If I even mentioned another boy's name I was subtly threatened until I began to understand that it was easier not to speak to any boys at all (often he would shout abuse at my male school friends in the street and once he tore up a photograph of a male friend that was years old). It became normal to think carefully of everything I said and did in case he could twist it.
I even began to convince myself that I was a bad person and that I was a rubbish girlfriend and that I deserved the abuse that I was receiving.
When I eventually built up the courage to try to leave this person, he threatened to put videos of me on the internet.
8 years later I am finally realising the impact that this terrible relationship has had on my life. I am beginning to research teenage domestic abuse, particularly emotional abuse and controlling behaviour, and I really want to get information out to people who might be going through the same ordeal that I was.
After finally realising that I was a victim of domestic abuse, I recently plucked up the courage to tell somebody how I was treated.
They were very upset and understanding, and felt so sad that I hadn't felt able to tell them before. My self-esteem had been shattered and I thought I was just being weak and that because I was only 16-18 at the time, people would think I was just being a "silly girl", but now I know that what happened to me happens to a lot of other teenagers, particularly teenage girls, and that it IS a form of domestic abuse.
You aren't too young to be in an abusive relationship and you might not think that people will believe you, particularly if the abuse happens in private spaces, but there is always someone that you can tell. No form of abuse is acceptable and you shouldn't have to put up with it. There is also no stereotypical victim of domestic abuse. I was smart at school and I had loads of friends and was never bullied, and my parents had a good relationship with one another.
I am so glad that sites like this exist, and that a lot of people care about domestic abuse in teenage relationships, be that abuse physical, emotional, sexual or otherwise.
Sarah - 04/04/2013
ReplyMax
04/04/2013
Hey, I understand women being the victims in teen relationships is more prevalent and is a big issue but could you not equal the playing field a bit and have at least one advert in which there is a male victim? I think you underestimate the cultural effect of the adverts having purely female victims.
Max - 04/04/2013
ReplyHI Max
Thanks for your feedback; we are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign.
We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight, and we are also aware that most teenage boys have normal and healthy relationships. However, in abusive relationships the statistics show that it is usually the male in the relationship that is the abuser and the female the victim and therefore it is important for the campaign to reflect this.
Our objective is to help both boys and girls spot the signs of abuse in relationships and raise awareness of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour, and although we depict a female victim in the advert, the messages are relevant for both boys and girls whether they are victims or abusers,
We have provided advice and information on the website which points all victims to the help they need - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help - including specific help for male victims of violence and abuse through Respect and Survivors UK. The site is also a forum where young people can pose questions and discuss the issue with their peers and experts in the field.
We also work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU
We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp
We welcome all views; it’s good that the campaign is prompting you to ask questions and seek more information.
Mice
03/04/2013
Hey I just found this website through all the tv ads and just wanted to sing its praises for just being there. I was in an abusive relationship on and off for just over 4 years.
Mice - 03/04/2013
Reply