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This is ABUSE

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Results: 60 - 75 of 2084

  • Anonymous

    04/04/2014

    A year and a half ago my partner lost his job and someone phoned social services and spread a disgusting lie all this kind of shunned his confidence and he started withdrawing from his children and me he stopped talking to me about thing and problems let money troubles get put of control and put me down about things at every opertunity he had the he hurt me once and then months later hurt me again i just put this down to a massive rows we had but he never hurt me before he bottled everything up then the other night we argued and he put his hand over my mouth and nose violently because of an argument it is the first time i have properly feared him even when he has done it before we have been together 11year and in a year and half feel like he is not the same person any more he also asks for sex constantly everything has to lead back to a conversation about sex it makes me feel cheap and unloved as this is the only time he is nice although my partner doesn't see this it effects our children they are unhappy the problem is i think it is depression and he has never had it treated i try talk but we ain't aloud to talk about important things i want to stay with him and understand the things he does is abuse but how do i get him some help i cant stay strong forever

    Anonymous - 04/04/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Anonymous,

      Thank you for your message. It’s hard to talk about the fears you have about your partner and takes a lot of courage to do so. I’m pleased you have shared what is happening to you here, as it sounds like you need some support for what is happening.

      All the things you describe in your message are very concerning. Your partner is being physically abusive to you and has behaved in a way that has made you frightened for your safety. He is also being sexually abusive towards you, which is making you feel cheapened. You say a lot in your message about getting support for him, but it sounds from what you write that you might be the person that needs some help, as you are coping with a lot. You have the pressure of being a mother and trying to support your children and the effects the abuse is having on them, whilst dealing with your partner’s abusive behaviour to you. What he is doing is not ok, and he is choosing to act in the way that he does. You cannot change his behaviour unless he seeks support from a specialist domestic abuse prevention program. But this would be something he would have to do himself.

      Have you spoken to anyone in your life about the abuse you are suffering? If you don’t feel you can talk about this with anyone you know you can call the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You may also want to call Rape Crisis, they work with women and girls who have experienced sexual violence and are open 12-2.30 & 7-9.30 every day. You can reach them on 0808 802 9999. The more support you have the easier it will be for you to decide what to do next. If your partner is attacking you and stopping you from breathing, it sounds like you are in danger at the moment. You can call 999 if you are being hurt, or frightened you are about to be hurt. What your boyfriend is doing is illegal.
      You may also want to look at this website for support in your area.

      www.womensaid.org.uk

      You say you want to stay with your partner, but you want him to seek help to stop him being abusive. Is this something you feel you could talk to him about? If so you could direct him to the Respect Phoneline. They are open 9-5 Monday to Friday and you can reach them on 0808 802 40 40.

      We also have a live chat weekdays 5-7 if you would like to speak to one of our team.
      Take care,
      Becca





      This is Abuse team 04/04/2014

  • El

    03/04/2014

    When I was 13 I went out with this boy who was 16 and I went out with him one day and he took me to a field and said it was a short cut to his house and he asked me for sex I said yes because I got scared and felt pressured then after a while I no longer wanted to carry on having sexual intercourse with him and pushed him away but as I stood up and tried to put my trousers back on he pushed me down to the floor and chucked my leggings across the field then pinned me down fourcing himself on to me I was screaming trying to tell him to get off me but he wouldn't listen he had my arms pinned down really hard so I couldn't move or try get up I kicked and screamed but he wouldn't get off after a while i felt hopeless and couldn't fight back any more so I just laid there and cried begging him to stop as soon as he saw me crying he got off and run away I tried to get up and find my clothes as soon as I dressed my self I tried to get away but he came back and told me the police was round the corner so he pushed me into a ditch and loads of nettles by now he ripped all my leggings I crawled out and ran across a field and tried to get home as fast as I could! I didn't tell anyone for weeks and then my family finally found out but my mum didn't believe me she thought I was just scared I'd get done for having sex under age and just said that to get out of it so I lied to the police and said nothing happened because I felt like nobody believed me. I'm now 15 and suffer depression and every night I'm laid in bed trying to fall asleep and I start to have flash backs and can see images of him at the end of my bed it got so bad I started to self harm I've stopped self harming but I still get images of him and have flash backs it's starting to really effect me because I have a boyfriend who I've been with 5 month and sometimes cry if we're play fighting or if he touches me!! I can't cope any more it's getting me down so much I just need a little help and someone to help me get through this I've struggled with this on my own for 2 year I feel like this will never end and I will never be able to enjoy my life he's always going to be here in my life...

    El - 03/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hi El,

      It must have been really traumatic for you, and it is understandable that it is still having an effect on you now. What happened is not acceptable, and was illegal. It was not your fault.

      I'm sorry that you felt you had to lie to the Police, they would have helped bring some justice to what happened. And it must feel horrible to feel that your family don't support you.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to contact a service and see if you could access some counselling. If you are under 16 then you can contact Childline on 0800 1111. You can also contact Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999. They will be able to put you in contact with a local service that would be able to help you. You can also talk to us on Live Chat on the website Monday to Friday 5pm unit 7pm.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 04/04/2014

  • anon

    03/04/2014

    my friend is pregnant and in abusive relationship. shes only 16. where can she go for help and how can i help her? will getting help/talking about it affect her keeping her child?

    anon - 03/04/2014

    Reply
    • Reporting abuse will not make the social take the baby off her. If when the baby is born and is in danger and the mother does not get out they may ask her to leave the abuser to keep the baby safe, taking a child from it's mother is a last resort and they don't take the decision lightly. She should definitely seek help, she is much more vulnerable being pregnant and if you contact women's aid they can give her a safe place to go and some options to discuss with her the site is: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
      It takes great courage and strength to leave an abuser.
      Hope this helps

      S - 04/04/2014

    • Hello Anon

      thanks for your message and I am sure you friend is grateful for your concern and the support you are offering her.

      There is quite a lot of support available if your friend wants to think about her options. If she is unsure about continuing with the pregnancy then she could contact The Brook Advisory Service (www.brook.org.uk). They have a confidential helpline and the service is primarily so young people so the staff are well trained to offer her advice and support. The helpline number is 0808 8021234.

      However, it sounds like your friend may be committed to keeping her baby. Has she told anyone else she is pregnant yet? Hopefully her parents will be supportive but again if she is worried about telling them she could go to her local sexual health clinic as staff there could support her to do that. She will need as much emotional and practical support as she can get because she is young but most young teenage girls are excellent mothers if they are supported well so she shouldn't have anyone suggesting she is not capable of keeping her baby and looking after it. Emotional support is especially important because her relationship is abusive. Has she spoken to anyone about this - maybe an adult she trusts like a parent or teacher. Its really important now she is pregnant that both she and the baby are safe and well protected. There is a useful website for young people about healthy and non healthy relationships. perhaps she would like to look at it and see what she recognises in her won relationship and see how she feels about it especially when she now has to think about the baby too. Take a look at www.respectnotfear.co.uk. The national domestic violence helpline also offers advice to those in abusive relationships so she could call them for advice on 0808 2000 247. They would be able to tell her about local support services in her area for domestic abuse.

      Its also important that she registers early for ante natal care. Her GP can arrange this or the midwifery department at her local hospital.Some areas have a fantastic service called the Family Nurse partnership which is about supporting teenage parents but you have to get referred to them before sixteen weeks pregnant but if she is more than that ( and the service is in her area) still call as they would still be keen to help her. If you google Family Nurse partnership you should be able to see if there is one in your area.

      I hope that gives you some ideas. We run live chat sessions Mon -Fri 5 -7 so you could always encourage her to call us if you think that might help. Lastly, make sure you talk to someone too. It is hard to support a friend in an abusive relationship and you need to be looked after as well!

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 03/04/2014

  • jess

    02/04/2014

    My boyfriend always calls me names like 'dumb and a stupid little girl'. He is always horrible to me for no reason. Is this abuse?

    jess - 02/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Jess

      Thanks for your message as what you are asking is something that confuses a lot of people. All relationships have good times and less good times and yes we may say hurtful things to our partner but probably only occasionally.

      What you seem to be describing is something that is more regular and said deliberately to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself and this most definitely is emotional abuse. I am not sure how old you are but there are two websites that you might find helpful to look at. One is Women's aid(www.womensaid.org.uk) and the other which is specifically for young people is www.respectnotfear.co.uk Both websites have information on them about abuse including emotional abuse.

      Sometimes emotional abuse can lead on to physical abuse too. If you are scared in the relationship or want to know what support is available in your local are then call the National helpline on 0808 8000 247 as they will provide you with those details.

      I hope that helps a bit to start. We also have Live chat sessions Mon - Fri 5 -7 if it would help to chat more about this with one of us

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 03/04/2014

  • Jordan

    02/04/2014

    My uncle used to put his finger up my bum when i was 5... now i cant bare to get into a relationship... what do i do?

    Jordan - 02/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jordan,

      I'm sorry to hear that you have been sexually assaulted. This is never acceptable and an abuse of power.

      You could still report an incident such as this to the Police. You also may want to look at how you can keep yourself safe and distance yourself from your uncle.

      If you are struggling to have relationships because of what has happened then you might wish to seek some therapeutic support. You may wish to contact Survivors UK, a charity which works with men who have experienced sexual abuse and rape. Their telephone number is 0845 122 1201. They will also be able to link you in with local support services.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 02/04/2014

  • Ellie

    01/04/2014

    Hello im 16 my boyfriend is 19 going on 20. I really do love my boyfriend no matter what i just want to know how can i help him change? he wasnt always abusive towards me. Most of the time he's abusive when he's either black out drunk or high. Should i always hold him accountable? Or is it because hes drunk. I understand i know im not suspose to be drinking but when im under the influence i do things that i often regret or dont remember. but hes not always drunk so he shouldnt use that as a excuse right? He apologizes so that means he knows he is wrong and wants to change. It's just sometimes he really does scare me and i often dont know what to do ? I cant fight back, i find that doing that makes it much worse,. Im just tired of feeling scared that hes going to beat me to death or if the next time he chokes me i die. he makes me do things sexually on him almost everytime we have an argument i dont know why ? And when i say i dont want to or im not in the mood he slaps me or punches me and he kicks me when im down. I know i have to stand up for myself i just don't know how. But i really dont want to break up with him either hes my first everything and i never want to lose him.

    Ellie - 01/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ellie,

      Thanks for your message. I understand that you love your boyfriend very much and that there will be times when things are good but you cant change or help the way he behaves.
      Alcohol is never a real reason why someone acts abusively it is an excuse and to believe this is giving him justification of his actions towards you. The first sign of an unhealthy relationship is one person living in fear of the other. No one deserves to be abused and the truth is if your boyfriend really wanted to change he would have.
      I am concerned that you are being forced into sexual acts and I would strongly urge you to speak out to someone who can help.
      I would recommend you contact one of the following services www.childline.org.uk , www.womensaid.org.uk which can offer you advice and support and there is also the national helpline for sexual violence 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9.30pm).

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 02/04/2014

  • Ruby

    31/03/2014

    I might have been abused by my Mum when I was growing up, emotionally. I think it is hard to acknowledge it and feel certain that it is abuse. I often feel like a fraud. A lot of places for help and support are quite specific..so there's a bit of stuff out there for sexual abuse but less so for other types. I still have a relationship with my Mum and it makes what I went through feel trivial, like it never happened at all. I feel embarrassed, guilty and pathetic when accepting the idea that I could have been abused.

    Ruby - 31/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Ruby

      Thanks for contacting us. It can be very hard to recognise an experience as abusive and people find this especially so when there is no physical abuse. However, all abuse leaves some sort of impact and thankfully now the effects of emotional abuse are understood better than they were many years ago.

      Please try not to feel that you are in the wrong about this or not entitled to service that can hep you come to terms with what has happened. You could of course approach your GP and obtain some individual counselling as one option. However, there is also a national charity NAPAC (The National Association for People Abused In Childhood).They offer support for all types of abuse including emotional abuse and have a helpline on 0800 085 3330. The lines are open 10am till 9pm Monday to Thursday and 10am till 6pm on Friday. Maybe you could give them a call and see what support they can offer to you.

      I hope that helps as a staring point and that you are able to start getting the help you deserve to enable you to move forward

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 01/04/2014

  • Georgia

    31/03/2014

    heya,
    im 16 and I met a boy on the internet, we started to talk and we got realy close. Within a few months we started going out. We always talked about meeting but never had the chance to, so one day we just decided to set a day and meet. I brought along my two friends just incase, and he turned up on his own. At the beginning when we started talking he told me he was the same age, but once I saw him, he didn't look that age, he looked about 2-3years older than he said. We was walking along my hometown, chatting about random stuff, but he didn't like the fact my friends were there, so I told them to go. We walked around for a bit then it started raining, so we found an empty building around the area. We sat down and he started to kiss me, I pulled off and he grabbed me, pinned me down and had sex with me, told him to get off me three times but he never did. After he ran off and he blocked me off everything. I never told anyone until years later when I came into a serious relationship with my current boyfriend, after 6 months, I told my boyfriend what had happen and he helped and supported me through it, and now I have been with him for 2 years and even though I get scared sometimes and panic, hes always there for me and I couldn't love him any more

    Georgia - 31/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Georgia,

      Thanks for coming forward and talking about this. It must have been really horrible for you.

      What happened to you was rape, and that must have been scary. Nobody has the right to do that, and you should consider going to the Police. They may still be able to track him down. My concern is that he might be doing this to other girls too.

      I am also concerned for you. I am glad that you are now in a happy, healthy relationship, but like you have said it is still causing you to feel scared. Have you thought about accessing counselling? You can do this through your GP, or through Rape Crisis, they will put you in contact with a local service that will support you. Their number is 0808 802 9999.

      I really hope you access some support! I think it will really help.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 31/03/2014

  • Kayleigh baert

    31/03/2014

    I was abused for 7 years and have come out of it with a lot of scars on my face so it's hard to cover them up so I will never feel as comfortable in my own skin as I was before I met him .. The reason of this message I just want to know if I'll ever get over it ?? I can't trust men at all when I'm out socialising all I ever do is analyse men and I seem to have it in my head that all men are gay. It's really getting in the way of everyday life for me and I don't know what to do ??? Will I always be like this from now on or does it come to a time where you will get over it ??

    Kayleigh baert - 31/03/2014

    Reply
    • In time it does get better. you don't forget what's happened but its like grieving in a way it just becomes easier to deal with until you get to a point that it's only like a bad memory that doesn't come up much. Sometimes things can trigger a memory and make you feel panicky or sick but it comes and goes. I understand the thinking all men are gay, it's a way to protect yourself from the fact that if they are gay they won't hurt you like he did. It does take time and I find that talking about whats happened helps and writing down whats happened and then burning it can help too.

      S - 04/04/2014

    • Hi Kay,

      Thanks for your message. Domestic abuse has damaging effects on our emotional well-being. Many victims can suffer a range of symptoms such as anxiety/panic attacks and depression. All of which make it difficult to rebuild our lives.
      With the right kind of support victims are able to understand their experiences and see that none of the abuse was their fault.
      I would suggest you contact your local domestic abuse service who may be able to offer you support through courses such as the Freedom Programme.
      You can also look at www.womensaid.org.uk for more information and advice.

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 31/03/2014

  • ANON

    30/03/2014

    Hi, i'm 17 and just over 2 months ago I was sexually abused by the guy I had fallen head over heels for. I let it happen because I loved him, he would pull my hair and force me to do things to him and he would yell at me if I tried to stop. It got worse too but I don't really like to talk about it, a few days after it all happened, he told me he never wanted to speak to me or see me again. It hurt so much, I still loved him after everything he put me through. I began self harming and to this day i still do because he is all I think about, I was scared to face him at college. Around a week ago, i found him sat in his car outside my house watching me, but he drove off as soon as i noticed him. I cried hysterically for hours, self harmed again and felt so alone and afraid, i was and still am absolutely beyond terrified of him. I'm hoping that one day he will leave me alone, but until then I really don't know what to do. It's caused me to lose weight and fall behind with my college work, he has ruined my life pretty much! I just want to go back to the time when i didn't know him.

    ANON - 30/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Anon,

      Thank you for getting in touch. I'm sorry to hear of your experience. It is important that you know everyone has the right to say no to sex or to any sexual activity. If we are forced then this is rape.
      The emotional impact on a person who is raped can be devastating and many victims just like you find self-harming the only way they can cope with their experiences.
      I am concerned to hear that this person is watching you. I would strongly recommend you speaking out to someone who can help such as a counsellor who could be very beneficial to you.
      I would also suggest you contacting www.rapecrisis.org.uk or call the national helpline 0808 802 9999 who can offer specific advice to young people.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 31/03/2014

  • Concerned Mate

    29/03/2014

    Hi,
    I'm really worried about my friend. He recently got in a relationship with a guy he met through a mutual friend. For anonymities sake, we'll call my friend H and his boyfriend J. I've only met J maybe six times and he seems pleasant enough, if a little quiet - maybe to the point of being cold. But since H has started seeing him, he's just not the same guy. He's withdrawn into himself a lot, where he used to be very excitable and outgoing. He's also lost weight, which makes me think he isn't eating right, and he doesn't look like he's been sleeping properly either. I haven't seen any bruises, but he always wears jumpers so he could be covering up. I'm really concerned that J may be abusing H and I don't know what to do. I don't want to make accusations if it isn't true because I know that will upset H. But at the same time, I can't let my friend stay in a situation where he might be at risk. What should I do?

    Concerned Mate - 29/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Concerned Mate,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how difficult this must be for you seeing your friend in this situation. You are obviously able to support him, which is important, as he needs people around him that will be understanding and not judge him while in this relationship. Which sounds exactly what you are doing.

      It seems that you have not been able to talk to him about your concerns, as you are afraid that if you are wrong you will upset H. I can hear from what you write that your concerns are very strong – enough for you to message here. And they sound like warning signs. You have done a good thing by posting here.

      It sounds like you are good friends, so maybe you could ask in a gentle and non- judgemental way if he is ok and if things in his relationship are ok as you have noticed a change. It could be that your friend just needs to know that people are looking out for him and are aware of the changes that have taken place in his character since being in this new relationship.

      When we care about someone we can want him or her to end an abusive relationship quickly, as we don’t like to see him or her hurt. However, if he is being abused, ending it is something only your friend can do in his own time.

      Let him know that you care for him and will always be available to talk to and there are places like this website he can contact and Broken Rainbow on (0300 999 5428) who are a LBGT domestic violence helpline open Mon – Thursday 10am until 8pm and on Wednesday 10am until 5pm. He can also call the Men’s Advice line on 0808 801 0327 weekday 9-5.


      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 30/03/2014

  • Mayelizabeth

    29/03/2014

    I been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we have broken up twice. The second time we got back together he said I have to live with him if I want to be with him, so I moved in with him. He's always wanting to look at my phone and sometimes even takes my phone off me and threatens to smash it up, he watches who I speak to and tells me how to talk to my friends on text or Facebook or he just takes my phone off me and replies to them himself so they think it's me. He argues with me for stupid little things and traps me in the room he Nd I are in and stands infrount of the doors so that I can't go anywhere and whenever I try to move him out the way he pushes me away and threaten me by saying things like "I'm going to smash your head in if you don't stop what your doing" and then he always accuses me of cheating or going to cheat when I'm not as I'm with him 24.7. He don't like me talking to male friends and hardly any female friends. He don't like me going to see my family much. He makes me sound like the bad person infrount of his friends and family. He's pourd freezing cold water all over me while outside at night and spat at me and called me typical and that I'm just like his ex etc. He don't like me going to any party's or going to my friends and if I do he's constantly phoning me calling me all sorts of horrible names and asking where I am, what I'm doing and who is there with me.
    I'm really scared and don't know what to do I feel like I can't be myself and I'm worried of what to say to him because I hate arguments he argues with me atleast 3 or 4 times every week.I feel I got to be careful of what I say or do around him. but when he's being nice he's really nice to me and makes me feel special and it doesn't help that I really do love him as he was my first proper boyfriend. But I really don't know what to do I've tried talking to him about how I feel when I feel controlled and feel like I'm his pupet but then he says it's all my fault.

    Mayelizabeth - 29/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Mayelizabeth,
      Thanks for your message. Your partner is trying to isolate you from people who were in your life before he came along. Abuse very often starts off emotionally making us feel lonely and by losing contact with those around us makes us feel like we have no one to turn to for help.
      Your boyfriend is using tactics very similar to how a bully controls their victims by intimidating them and making them feel embarrassed in front of others so they won’t want to go out. He is also using the behaviour of his previous partner to justify his behaviour. You have done nothing wrong, the blame lies solely with your boyfriend who is aware of his actions.
      I would suggest you contact www.womensaid.org.uk or call the national domestic violence helpline 0808 2000 247 for more advice and support.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 31/03/2014

  • Jenny

    29/03/2014

    I am married but live in a separate home, I am in contact with my "x' but mostly to keep peace till i find a place for him and my cats to live ( He doesn't work, so i have to pay for everything). I am trying to get along, but he has not accepted that i don't want to stay together. He bugs me for sex every time i see him and via text. he asks me why i complain so much about it when it's "just sex" and that he knows i don't want to do anything NOW - BUT if I'd just let him rub my feet n back etc, I'll want to after a while and that "its not like the sex is not enjoyable once you get into it" I am so tired of this. it USED to be enjoyable, but i really don't want to do anything with him and i feel sick in his company and he is very manipulative and verbally unkind and pushy. I sometimes give in because i feel like i have to. because technically i am still his wife, even though i almost hate him now. I am confused. it DOES feel good (physically) once were doing stuff, but emotionally - i SO don't want to in the first place. and after I don't feel any better, emotionally. Is him, talking me into it and getting me relaxed so i don't say no, still abuse? or me being over sensitive. I have no loving feelings for him, just pity and disdain, yet i let him coerce me. He's always been over bearing in the relationship. and emotionally abusive, though he says its not on purpose, its cause he doesn't feel well (chronic headaches n pain episodes) so it's "not his fault" he is mean because he doesn't feel good and i should "understand". Just like i should understand he cant "self service" himself and needs me to get him off, and his hormones are out of control and he needs me and cant help but bug me for SOMEthing sexual. And after he always tries to get positive feedback, like, "that was good huh" or.. "you feel better now?" or " was that fun?" like me not wanting to do anything before has magically turned me into this lovey feeling little girl. how come he doesn't GET that letting him win and get what hes bugging for doesn't make me happy, or love him, or like him?? I have tried umpteen times to explain that i don't feel into him anymore, I dont want sex anymore, that hes just "winning" but im not doing it cause i want him or am wanting it, that its to shut him up..even before i left, and it never changes.

    I'm so tired of him!! Am i wrong and being over sensitive? or is he being unreasonable? Cant I just never have to touch his again? - or am i just so worn out from years of this and so much more, that I just can't think straight anymore. Please help. Thank you.

    Jenny - 29/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jenny,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like you're having a really tough time at the moment.

      You should never feel pressured in to sex, it is always your choice. If you feel repulsed by him then it might be best to keep your distance from him so that he doesn't have a chance to manipulate in this way. If you wanted to take this a step further then you could look at taking out a Non-Molestation Order so that he couldn't contact you directly or indirectly.

      You've said that he was abusive to you in your relationship, have you thought about talking to anyone about what happened? You could access your local domestic abuse service, or you might want to look at accessing some counselling. You could also contact the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      It sounds like you need to make it really clear that you are separating/getting a divorce. There is a really good divorce guide at www.wikivorce.com If you begin proceedings then he may see that it is definitely over. What seems to be happening at the moment seems to be blurring the lines a lot.

      If you would like any further advice then feel free to talk to us on Live Chat on the site, Monday to Friday, 5pm until 7pm.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 31/03/2014

    • Hi Jenny,

      Thanks for getting in touch. You are not being over sensitive or unreasonable. Your ex-partner is using abusive behaviours to force you into having sex with him so he can have power and control over you.
      Just because you were married (or still are) to this person does not mean they have the right to have sex with you whenever they chose to. Everyone has the right to say no to sex even in relationships. If someone forces us into sex then this is rape. In England the laws changed in 1982 and in Scotland 1991 to state that rape in marriage was a criminal offence.
      Its sounds like you have definitely made your mind up about leaving this relationship but you need some support to help you sort things out.
      I would suggest you speak to www.rapecrisis.org.uk or call the national helpline on 0808 802 9999. You can also visit www.womensaid.org.uk where you will find more information on domestic abuse.

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 31/03/2014

  • anon

    28/03/2014

    me and my ex broke up nearly six months ago, but over that six months i've been struggling to cope with memories on how he treated me. we werent together for very long but during that time we had sex a lot, but only one time out of all the times we had sex did i actually want to sleep with him. i remember him on top of me taking my clothes off even when i didnt want him to. he'd say something like 'wanna have sex' and i'd shake my head but i didnt know how to say no so i'd say i dont know which was my way of saying no.but he'd ignore me and carry on taking off my clothes and when we did have sex he would hit me a lot. the first time we had sex (my first time) i didnt want to and he hurt me a lot i couldnt help cry a little but he finished up and went out for a cigarette. now six months on i often feel completely alone with my worries and memories about him. im still in school and spend lots of time just crying in the toilets about it, im not sure what to do, theres not much point since it was a little while ago but i dont know how to feel better.

    anon - 28/03/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Anon,

      Thank you for your message. You say you are having a hard time coping at the moment with the memories of the relationship you were in and you want to know how to feel better. It’s really strong of you to post here, you have gone through something frightening and you need a bit of support by the sound of things.

      What your ex did to you was very serious. He raped you and physically abused you and if you are still feeling the effects of that, it’s very understandable. Many people who have experienced abuse have similar feelings when recovering from trauma. What happened to you was not your fault and there is support out there for you.

      Do you know anyone you could talk to about this, friends, family or a trusted adult or teacher? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis to talk about this, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence and trauma. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). You may also want to call the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 2/47 and discuss your previous relationship with them, as you were being abused by your boyfriend. They may be able to suggest some support in your local area.

      We have live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk about this more with one of our advisors.

      Take care,

      Becca






      This is Abuse team 30/03/2014

  • Casey

    28/03/2014

    My ex has beaten me 3 times now 2 was over a guy i was seeing and once was because he was mad at me. he has done it in front of the children and has even hurt them. he threatens to take the children from me if i dont get back together with him im scared to death of what is going to happen i`m a prisoner in my own home hes mentally unstable, abusive and controlling. he has been in jail and put in a mental hospital i`ve also called the cops and had him removed but he was right back here the next day. i want him out and gone he tries to kill himself regularly and i`ve had enough of it legal aid wont help cause we share a home because of our autistic child.. is there anything i should do or could do i need help

    Casey - 28/03/2014

    Reply
    • HI Casey,

      It sounds like a really horrible position to be in, it must be really tough for you.

      It is really important that you call the Police every time there is an incident, and follow through on pressing charges if the Police follow through with the allegation. Living together should not have an impact on accessing legal aid. It sounds like you'd benefit from an occupation order and a non-molestation order. There is information on these orders here;

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330002

      You can get these injunctions through the National Centre for Domestic Violence, their telephone number is 0844 8044 999. They may be able to do this for you for free.

      You can also get support in getting these injunctions and other safety measures by accessing your local domestic violence service. You can find these on google, or on www.womensaid.org.uk.

      I think it is really important to get some help, it sounds like you and your children are at risk. Like I said, if you are in danger always call 999.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/03/2014

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