This is ABUSE

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Worried about abuse in your relationship?

Young people have asked questions about abuse within their relationships, they may have been through something similar to you and the responses may help give you advice on your own relationship.

If you have any questions about abuse, or you are in an abusive relationship, or you just want to talk to someone, there are specialist organisations that can help you. Visit the Need Help section and you can contact people who can give you help and support.

Watch these videos to spot the signs of abuse within relationships

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Results: 45 - 60 of 2291

  • jimmy


    I have been through abuse for 3 years help me

    jimmy - 17/03/2015

    • Hi Jimmy

      Thanks for your message.

      I am really sorry to hear that you have been experiencing abuse for so long.

      I am not sure exactly what sort of abuse or from whom, but there are lots of places that can support you no matter what the situation.
      Have a look on our help pages as they have a list of different organisations according to the support you need.

      If you need more detailed support perhaps you can write again and tell us a bit more about what has been happening.
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 31/03/2015

  • Candy


    I'm 18 turning 19 in a months time and I have been seeing this guy who is 20 for just under 2 years , he says we " can't be together properly " for other reasons , anyway I'm not really sure if it's abuse but I think it's kind of wrong but anyway during the time of us seeing each other our relasionship has always been based on intimacy , and when I don't want to he gets mad and angry about the fact I don't want to ? Sometimes when we are being intimate and I ask him to stop he dosent stop and has ahold of me so I can't moove but after 10-20 seconds of me telling him to stop again he does , also there was a occasion where he asked to come to my house to get intimate and when I said no he threated me although he has never been violent to me before ? He also borrowed money off me and promised to give it back which was 2 weeks ago and I still haven't got it back ? I just want to know if this is all normal or not ?

    Candy - 16/03/2015

    • Hi Candy

      Thank you for your message, it's good that you are looking for advice and support.

      It is never ok for someone to not listen when you don't want to be intimate, and to carry on having sex when you don't want to is rape. Holding you down when you have said no is very abusive.

      It does not sound like this is a caring and healthy relationship. Only you can decide if you want to stay with him, but I am concerned for your well-being. It does not sound like things are going to improve.

      Here is some info about consent:

      And about staying safe:

      I hope this helps
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 31/03/2015

  • Ellie


    Hi my boyfreind has always been aggressive but not to a point to injure me. When we argue he grabs me and pushes me but not hard so I've overlooked it but the other day we were arguing and he jumped on me and shouted in my face and raised his hand to me but that's as far as it went he never hit me afterwards he has continually been apologising to me and saying he wasn't actually going to hit me. He says he will never ever do it again and says he knows it's wrong. We have been together a year and something and I love him so I don't know what to do I need some advice ?

    Ellie - 16/03/2015

    • Hi Ellie,

      Thanks for coming forward to share your experiences. It sounds like it must be really scary for you. Your boyfriend's behaviour is completely unacceptable and he has to choose to address it.

      I'm worried that his behaviour is getting worse, like you said, it started with pushing but in the most recent incident he almost went to hit you. Nobody has the right to treat another person like that.

      It's really important for you to have a think about how you can keep yourself as safe as possible. Have you talked to anybody about what is happening? It might be helpful to tell someone you trust who can keep an eye out in case things get worse. You might also have a young person's Independent Domestic Violence Advisor who could work with you to make sure you are as safe as possible.

      You can find information at or by calling the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      I think it's really important that you speak to someone about what is happening because your boyfriend's behaviour is abusive.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 29/03/2015

  • Jamie-lee


    I recently broke up with my boyfriend who my family says was abusive. It wasn't until we broke up and I spoke to people about it that I realised something was wrong. I am 24 years old and this was my first relationship as I have Aspergers syndrome or ASD so I struggle with social situations and communication anyway. A big trait of my aspergers is my sensory hypersensitivity, mainly of touch. I tried really hard to overcome this and deal with it even though the smallest of touch generally hurts.
    He started to get really pushy and would try and force me into intercourse, which was incredibly painful as he would never prepare us. He was very rough and impatient, but when I said I didn't want to he would say sometimes you need to force a person to show them there is nothing to be scared of. But I started getting more scared, which made it more painful, I think that frustrated him and that's why he was so impatient. He would demand things and say that instead of intercourse I would just have to pleasure him a different way because it was my fault he was aroused, he would force me to pleasure him, is this considered abusive? Afterwards he would apologize for being a jerk and brush it off.
    But because of this I have developed a fear on top of the touch hypersensitivity that makes me repulsed or I'll even at basic human contact. I have gotten even more nervous around males because I know the damage they can inflict, which I know is irrational but its not something I can control. When we argued he would try to force me to accept his point of view, grabbing my shoulders, shaking me or pinning me down or to something until I agreed with him. I thought all this was normal, because he insisted it was like that in all relationships and I had no previous experience due to difficulties with my Aspergers syndrome. But now I don't know what to do because it has impacted me negatively a lot more than I have told my family, as they don't know the extent of what happened. Even seeing a happy couple kissing is enough to make me anxious and panicked. Was what happened abuse? And what kind? Also how do I stop myself being so scared around males because I know this is extremely offensive to them. He has recently got in touch asking me to start another relationship because he's trying to change, but I don't know what to do.

    Jamie-lee - 14/03/2015

    • Hi Jamie-Lee,

      Thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm glad the relationship has ended, it sounds like it was very abusive.

      Firstly, no one should force you to do anything sexually that you do not want to do. It is not your fault that your partner is aroused, that is completely out of your control. It is his fault for acting on these urges and for forcing you to do things you didn't want to do then he was breaking the law and would be considered a sexual assault.

      I'm really glad you've talked to others about what has been happening. Would you consider talking to a professional around what has happened? You local domestic violence service may have counselling that sounds like it would really benefit you. You could find them on google or by calling 0808 2000 247.

      Nobody has the right to make you do something like this, and I really hope you access some support.

      Take care,

      This is Abuse team - 25/03/2015

  • Sarah


    Hi, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years and have been separated for nearly a year now.
    He has came back into my life professing that he's changed, has been on a perpetrator course, cut his drinking down and is seeking counselling.
    So I decided to test the waters and not enter back in the relationship but just see how things go but the more emotionally attached we are becoming to one another old habits are creeping in. He was very manipulative and left me an emotional wreck to which I decided to attend domestic abuse programs( to educate and become aware of what abuse actually is). I've also realised I have codependent behaviours which I am currently working on.
    So here's my started when I'd had too much to drink and I shouted at him for all the hurt he'd caused to which he didn't retaliate he remained calm, the next morning he said he didn't like me getting in them states. After a little thinking I agreed that I wouldn't want treat like that so I would cut my drinking down so I wouldn't put either of us in that predicament again.
    I thought that was the end of that but he was working away I went out with friends the following week me knowing I was just having a few. When I told him I was going out he went in a huff and said I worry about when you go out in case anything happens to you or if you get too drunk and someone takes advantage.
    The next incident was when he said I wasn't contacting him enough, that it's obviously a chore to get in touch, he always makes sure he's available for me. He speaks to me on a morning, ,lunch time and evening and wants messages in between. To be quite honest that's a lot to me.
    I would just like any opinions weather you think these are unreasonable expectations ?

    Sarah - 14/03/2015

    • Hi Sarah,

      It sounds like it has been a really tough time for you. I think it's really important to remember that your relationship has previously been abusive, and no matter how much support you access there will still be some doubt in your mind that it may happen again.

      I'm really glad that you have accessed help and support, but there is nothing stopping you going back to the service and asking for some more at this time.

      Because I don't know very much about your relationship it is hard to make a judgement, but you know it and have lived in it. You may need to follow your gut instinct. If something is telling you that it is not right, or that you are still not happy then you may need to act on that instinct.

      You have been really strong previously and made decisions at to what you wanted to happen next. If you are still not happy in this relationship then you may need to make another decision.

      I hope this helps. If you would like to talk more we run a live chat session on Tuesday and Wednesday from 6pm-7pm. Or you can call the national helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      This is Abuse team - 25/03/2015

  • Charlotte


    I was in a abusive relationship in 2010 and I only managed to get out of it in 2014, I was made to feel like it was normal, like it was my fault? I suffered in silence I didn't tell anyone I would cover my bruises with make up or anything I could find if someone asked I'd say I fell off the bed or walked into something the usual rubbish explanations. I wasn't allowed to see my friends, if I met anybody he would tell me I had a set amount of time to get back to the house before he would hurt himself, as soon as I would get back I would get abused.. Punched, slapped, he'd pull my hair and bite me or maybe throw me down the stairs if I disagreed with him, I didn't think I would survive his blows, him putting cushions over my face so I couldn't breath or just stranegling me. I've never spoke to anyone about this really, some people say I shouldn't have stayed for that long but he made me think that nobody else would want me he would constantly say I'm fat or ugly, slag, whore and every other name under the sun. I can't begin to start with what I went through with him, I'd come close to taking an overdose or other ways to get out of the depression and hurt. But I finally escaped him it took a while, but now I still can't trust anybody, I flinch when someone touches ME.. He still lives around the corner and honestly it scares me because not long ago he pulled me into his car and driven me to his, where he tried to sexually abuse me. But I was strong enough this time to get away from him, I hope people see this and realise that there is a way out and it's not too late. Yes I still live in fear but I'm not being controlled by someone anymore, I'm not expecting to walk through a door and get abused anymore, I'm free.. But I'm yet to get over the mental scars I am left with.

    Charlotte - 13/03/2015

    • Hi Charlotte,

      Thanks for sharing your experiences. It sounds like it was really scary, and is still fairly scary now.

      There are lots of options available for you, but firstly I think it's really important for you to access some support. You could access some emotional support to address what you have been through. You might want to consider some counseling. There are lots of different ways to access counselling. You could speak to your GP who could refer you to NHS counselling. Alternatively, you could contact your local domestic violence service who may have specific domestic abuse counselling support.

      I think it might also be really helpful to speak to a domestic violence support service around how you could keep safe if he is still contact you. It sounds like his behaviour is really dangerous! I would suggest you call the Police is you feel scared at any point.

      His behaviour is completely unacceptable, and you need make sure you are keeping as safe as possible.

      If you want to talk with someone you can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247. You will also be able to find your local service on google. You should not feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk about what has happened. It is not your behaviour that is wrong, it is his.

      I hope you access some help! Take care.

      This is Abuse team - 24/03/2015

  • Franky


    Hi I'm feeling so incredibly lonely and broken right now. My boyfriend has started to be come very aggressive in how he talks to me and he's even started to point and nudge me which I know from previous experience is where it all starts. I never thought he would treat me like this. He keeps saying to me this is my house you follow my rules and do what I say and behave. I feel so torn apart it just hurts! The other day he drove off in a strop because I said to him that I think he should drive his friend to the house (it was really late at night and in the middle of nowhere) rather than down the road. He went mad and drove like crazy and drove off without me having my seat belt on and then braked heavily that I nearly hit my head on the windscreen and my door wasn't shut properly either. I got told that I need to do what I'm told. I honestly can't believe how sad I feel right now!
    I just would really like a cuddle and to be told that everything will be ok but I don't think it will. :-(

    Franky - 12/03/2015

    • Hi Franky,

      Thanks for coming forward and sharing your experiences. It sounds like a really unhappy and scary place to be.

      I think you have a good understanding of what is happening. You show that you understand his behaviour is abusive and that it is escalating.

      Often we see abusive people begin with emotional and verbal abuse, which progresses to physical and it seems that you are concerned that the physical is beginning.

      I understand it can really difficult to move forward from where you are, but you do not have to do this alone. If you contact your local domestic abuse service who will be able to offer you emotional support and advise you as you go through this difficult transition period. You can find them on Google, at or call the National helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      You have definitely made the first steps by acknowledging what is happening. If your partner is not willing to address his behaviour then you need to put your safety and wellbeing first. You are not to blame for his behaviour. He has chosen to behave like this.

      I really hope you access some support.

      Take care,

      This is Abuse team - 22/03/2015

  • Anonymous


    I'm an abuser

    Anonymous - 12/03/2015

    • Hi thanks for coming forward.

      It is really difficult to acknowledge when you are using abuse against someone and the first step is admitting it to yourself.

      There are organizations that do work with men and women to change their behaviour towards partners and ex-partners, they run violence prevention programs which run for around 30 weeks looking at what abuse is, the different forms that it takes, exploring different methods to control abusive behaviour and the impact that it has on your partner and any children.

      If you want to go to the next step and access this support you can contact the Respect Helpline on 0808 802 4040. They also have a website with some great resources to read

      I hope you access some help.


      This is Abuse team - 18/03/2015

  • Zena


    I'm so low and lost, this is my house and this person who i thought I knew hates me and my daughter, i need help getting him out the house as he has severe anger towards me and my family, his family know what he's like and don't help and make him stay with us, i need help i don't want to be around anymore, he won't leave and threatens me with he'll take our baby's away and always says it's my fault that he is mad, his own family said he's always been that way, i have no one to turn to and fear of phoning the police as his family would give us so much trouble for it. Please someone help i can't take it anymore.

    Zena - 11/03/2015

    • Hi Zena,

      Thanks for coming forward to talk about this. It sounds like you're in a really scary situation.

      There are lots of organisations that would be able to help you. I would recommend contacting your local domestic abuse service, you can find them on google but also by contacting the national helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      If you access a domestic violence service they may be able to assist you in getting a Non-Molestation Order which is an Order from the court telling your partner that he cannot contact you directly or indirectly, through other people. They can also assist you in getting an Occupation Order which will tell your partner that he is not allowed to live at your property anymore.

      If you are not able to get these orders they will assist you in other ways to keep you as safe as possible.

      They will also be able to help you access some emotional support like counseling so that you don't feel so low and lost.

      Nobody has the right to make another person feel like this, and it is really important that you access some help.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 18/03/2015

  • Tab


    My ex boyfriend has nude pictures of me I would like him to delete them but he wouldn't he's married now and he won't leave me alone I feel liking telling his wife but I'm scared incase he does something with my pictures I even got his but I wouldn't like to do that I'm not that childish

    Tab - 10/03/2015

    • Hi Tab,

      Thanks for getting in touch. This can be really difficult because I imagine that originally you sent him the photos. He is not doing anything wrong with them unless he is showing them to other people.

      If he does show people he might be breaking the law. Childline have some really helpful advice here They have a section at the bottom that explains what to do if someone threatens to share your photos.

      I think telling his wife might put you in a more compromising position, but it is your decision. If he is pestering or harassing you then you can inform the police. They may may give him a harassment warning.

      It must be really difficult, so if you need to talk to someone you could call the national helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 18/03/2015

  • Anonymous


    I'm unsure if I'm in an abusive relationship. My partner has many issues of his own and is very vulnerable and has low self esteem due to his upbringing. He puts me on this pedistole and makes me feel like the most special, loved person. But when he gets angry or feels low he puts me down by calling me a slut or ugly. It's almost like he's arguing with himself because I know he says those things because he feels like I'm too good for him. He also smokes weed which makes things worse. I'm a strong opinionated woman and I try to listen when hes upset or angry about stuff (to do with work family or friends) but if I dear to go against him or loose my temper because I'm only human and say I'm sick of him complaining he goes crazy. I think people take his kindness for weakness and he's really soft to other people (who take him for granted) but when it comes to arguing with me he becomes scary and aggressive. All his anger for other people gets taken out on me. I moved in with him a few months ago and we had an argument the other day. He told me to leave and threatened to hit me. Although he's a big guy I stood up to him because I felt like backing down would make me a victim and I had to let know I refused to be threatened and bullied. He said he would slap me if I didn't do as he asked so I emptied a wicket basket full of stuff on the floor and threw it at him. I know that makes me wrong. He then threw a aerosol deodorant can at me and it hit me in the face. My face swelled up so much we thought my jaw was broken. Now he says sorry but says actions have a reaction and because he's a guy that's why he's in the wrong. He says he didn't mean to hurt me but to throw it that hard I think he did. Or he doesn't have control. I don't know if we can get past this? If I had been calm it wouldn't of happened. Is there any salvaging our rekationship or is it just going to get worse...?

    Anonymous - 09/03/2015

    • Hi,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like you're having a really tough time. Your partner's behaviour is completely unacceptable. He is choosing to take out his anger on you, this suggests that he has control over it. If he had no control he would take it out on the people making him angry rather than storing it up for when he gets home.

      Smoking cannabis does not justify his behaviour. A lot of people smoke cannabis and are not violent or abusive to his partner. However, if he feels this is contributing to his behaviour then he needs to stop smoking it, or at least get some help to stop smoking it.

      All of these are his choices. He has to decide to address what he is doing.

      It is never ok to use violence, and I understand that you acted out of frustration. This is often called violent resistance, but this can increase your risk of getting injured, which was highlighted by your partner's actions.

      If you had a daughter and she told you her partner was behaving this way what advice would you give her?

      It sounds like it might be best for you to take some time apart to remove yourself from a dangerous situation and see if your partner is willing to access some help.

      Have you thought about accessing help? You could access your local domestic abuse service who can support you, your experiences must have been emotionally draining and they will be able to work with you to address this. You can google them or contact the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 to find out who your nearest support service is.

      I really hope you access some help.

      Take care,

      This is Abuse team - 18/03/2015

  • Kita


    Hi, I have just managed to leave an abusive relationship which lasted around 2 years, I was in love with the guy and excused all his abusive behaviors and i would feel sorry for him because i knew he had mental problems. I tried to be there for him all the time and nothing seemed to cut it for him. He was violent at times with me and woul make me feel so worthless. I want to be happy i want to move on, but i feel im having a very hard time moving on despite being put through so much pain. I dont know what to do

    Kita - 08/03/2015

    • Hi Kita
      Thanks for your message.
      I am sure lots of people will relate to what you have said.
      It is really common for people who are being abused to make excuses for the abuse, as it hurts so much to think someone you love is choosing to hurt you.

      Unfortunately, having mental health issues is not an excuse for being abusive. You did nothing wrong and I am really glad you are no longer in that relationship.

      But, even if someone is abusive, it can be hard to move on and it can take a long time to cope with the realisation of what happened.

      Some people liken this time to a period of grief. You are mourning for what you hoped the relationship could be, the person you fell in love with as well as your self-esteem and confidence.But the final stage of grief is all about moving forwards and adjusting to a new world without the abuse and the person who abused you. Now is the time to build up your-self esteem and to plan your happy and safe future. It may take a while but you have already started that journey and have so much to look forward to.

      This may be a good time to reach out to friends and family for support, or to access counselling via your GP. You can also search for local domestic violence support services here:

      This handbook may help also as it has info about what to do at this stage, after leaving the relationship:

      I really hope this helps,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2015

  • Unknown


    I think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship, my boyfriend calls me names every time I annoy him I think he hates me which hurts cause I love him but Im scared because he gets more and more violent his slaps are harder he pushes and pokes and pinches me harder when I say something he doesn't like he pulls my hair and gets in my face I don't know what to do I feel so lonely but when hes being nice hes such a gentlemen and so lovely and he listens to me and helps me but hes more angry than nice nowadays but I love him and I'd have no one without him I really feel lost

    Unknown - 06/03/2015

    • Hi,

      Thanks for getting in contact. It sounds like you are having a really tough time. I'm glad you've come forward to access some help.

      Your partner grabbing you by the hair is physically abusive, but I think it is more important to think about whether you are scared of your partner. By the sounds of it, you are scared. It must be scary when he gets up in your face.

      I think it's really important that you talk with someone around what it hopping. Maybe start with the national helpline on 0808 2000 247. They may also be able to link you in with some local support.

      Have you tried talking to any of your friends or family about what has been happening? I t would be really helpful for you to use these as support. If you don't have these networks then linking in with some professional support would be really helpful for you.

      You should never feel stuck in a relationship where you feel scared of your partner. If you are living with him at the moment then these services might be able to assist you in finding somewhere to stay.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 17/03/2015

  • Mandy


    I have been in contact with my ex after 20 years. He left me for another woman. I remarried but divorced with 3 kids from 2nd husband. I always loved my 1st Husband so it was easy to tell him how I felt about him. I always kept in touch with his family. They loved me and I did them. He only texted me when he wanted. He said he would like to give a go but I had to lose weight as he was fussy. I complied easily because I felt I could re-create my married life of the past with him. He never called me by phone. Said he wasn't ready, wouldn't meet up until I was certain size. He would flirt text and mostly talk about sex. He made impulsive dates to his place but then cancel next day. He adamantly told me I was not allowed to tell his family we were texting. And it would be over if they found out. I went along with this. He said he wouldn't marry me because his two previous marriages ended -he was cheated on twice. He said I had to close my facebook acc and not allowed to work as that's how problems started in his other marriages. In January his access case for his daughter failed. His court case was adjourned for another 3 months. He texted me and said how is the Gym going? And how much weight I had lost? I told him I had been ill and that the weather was bad so I hadn't been gym for month. He was bit angry and said he knew I couldn't do it and dismissed my reasons as excuses. I told him he was cruel and rude. He then apologised next day. Few days ago I called his niece who am. Close to. I discussed our situation , she said am not having that, he is leading you on and not playing fair. His Niece called him and explained that he is doing wrong and that he should play with someone's emotions like this. The next day I received a blunt text saying it was over and that it was my fault because I told his family member about us when he strictly told me not too. I am devastated as I built up my hopes and fell n love with him. He was never interested in my life or my kids. Not even asked how my day went. Was this the beginning of an abusive controlling relationship. Will I hear from him again? He blocked me on wattsap as I kept pleading to be heard .

    Mandy - 03/03/2015

    • Hi Mandy,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like your ex-partner has been leading you on. His behavior seems unacceptable. Hi love seems conditional, he will only love you if you behave a certain way and look a certain way. All his demands have involved you changing. It doesn't seem like a fair, balanced, healthy relationship.

      I would also be concerned that he only wants to speak to you when it suits him, it seems that he has all the control in the relationship. It sounds like he may have behaved this way in his previous relationships. Do you know why he doesn't have custody of his children?

      I think it would be helpful for you to talk through what is happening. Why don't you try giving the national helpline a call, their number is 0808 2000 247. They will be able to explore this a little bit more with you.

      Best wishes,


      This is Abuse team - 17/03/2015

  • Anonymous


    i'm in a relationship with one man and two personas, one i feel is my soul mate;loving supportive kind and gentle. The other is the complete opposite, he snaps over tiny things such as me talking to my friends or family for no reason at all. When he changes he says the most personal cruel insults to me he can think of that he knows will truly hurt me. He gets physical but in a 'playful way' such as tickling me continuously and hard so it hurts, or throwing things that 'he never ment to hit me' (usually my phone) or squeezing/poking me. eventually i completely break down and cry which usually snaps him out of it. He then becomes totally ashamed, apologetic and upset. his good side is truly wonderful, but he has been so hurtful now so many times even at his best i am waiting for the bad. He threatens suicide if i want to go back to my mums house, which i have finally done, but the problem is far from resolved.

    Anonymous - 01/03/2015

    • Hi,

      Thanks for getting in touch. Your partner's behavior isn't uncommon, something that you might want to explore is the cycle of abuse. It highlights that after times of being abusive some partners go through a 'honeymoon' phase, also known as the 'flowers and chocolates' phase where they appear very kind and loving and make up for their abusive behaviour.

      No matter how kind, generous and loving he is it does not make up for someone using violence or abuse at other points in their relationship.

      If your partner wants to address their behavior they can access a behavioral change programme through the Respect Helpline. My biggest concern is that you access some support. It would be really helpful for you to access some support through your local domestic abuse service. They would be able to help you understand your partner's behaviour and the impact it is having on you. You can find out a little bit more by contacting the national helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to talk you a little bit more around what is happening for you.

      Good luck,


      This is Abuse team - 17/03/2015

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