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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

HAVE YOUR SAY

Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board.

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TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Results: 525 - 540 of 2095

  • amie

    09/01/2014

    hello. after seeing your advert on mtv it really made me think I genuinly said yes to everyone of the questions. he has never hit me but when he looses his temper I do feel kinda scared. everyday he has to check my phone messages, fb messages, twitter, instagram. even of I have made friends with a boy on any of these things he makes me feel guilty. he checks my call logs to see of I have rang any one while I have not been with him through the day. if I text my friends he will want to know what has been said. he does not like any of my friends and does not like me hanging with any of them. he also reads through my families texts. he peer pressures me into having sex most nights by getting angry and in a mood if I refuse. he does notlet me go to pubs/clubs without him by my side. I do not know if this is abuse but I would like some opinions on what to do please! thankyou

    amie - 09/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Amie,

      Thanks for getting in contact. It sounds like you are in a very controlling relationship, and nobody has the right to behave in this way. It is unacceptable.

      I really want to stress that it is your body, and you have the right to say no. If you do not want to have sex you shouldn't feel pressured in to having sex anyway. This coercive behaviour is sexual assault and possibly rape. Your partner should respect you enough to not have sex with you if you do not want to.

      I am concerned by your partner's controlling behaviour, and I'm really glad that you have spotted the warning signs. Your partner should trust you not to look through your profiles, and it worries me how he might act if he found something that he didn't like.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to someone a little bit more about what has been happening. You can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2014

  • Ellie

    09/01/2014

    My names Ellie and i'm 16 years old. My boyfriend gets angry at me over so many things. the other day he asked to see my phone i said why? And he slapped me and said haven't we talked about this before? so i just gave it to him. He read all my messages went through my contacts and asked why I texted my friend Nick (it was for school work nothing crazy) and he didn't wait for an answer he just started hitting me. I know it sounds crazy but i still love him no matter what i know i should listen to him and not text guys and people he doesnt approve of im just here to ask how can i get him to stop getting so angry over things , In your guys opinion will he change?

    Ellie - 09/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ellie,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like a really difficult situation for you.

      I'm really sorry to hear that there is abuse taking place, and what your partner is doing is not right. It is never ok to use violence, and what he is doing is against the law. By hitting you, he is assaulting you and can be arrested for that. But it is also not a healthy relationship, this is a person that you are meant to trust, and that is meant to care for you. By using violence against you he is not doing this.

      My concern is that the violence that he uses against you may get even worse. He is using violence to control your actions, and you should be able to talk to who you like, and he should be able to trust you to do that. I am worried that if he thinks he can't control you that the violence will get even more dangerous.

      He would have to choose to address his violent behaviour himself he wished to change, he could access a violence prevention programme and contact the Respect Helpline. But my biggest concern is your safety. I think it would be really beneficial for you to talk to someone about what has been going on and explore some of your options. Have you talked to any adults that you trust about what has been happening?

      I think you should call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to have chat about your experiences and maybe to look at ways that you can keep yourself safe.

      Please remember, if you are in danger then always call 999, like I said, what he is doing is wrong and illegal.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2014

    • Dear Ellie,

      Thank you for your message. It’s really brave of you to post what has happened to you here, I can hear how confused you are by the situation you are in and I’m pleased you have been able to reach out for help here.

      Your boyfriend is being domestically abusive, hitting you, controlling you and emotionally abusing you. The way he is treating you is not ok and it is not your fault for texting boys. He is abusing you because he chooses to, nothing you do to change your behaviour will make him stop. He can only stop if he decides to, which it doesn’t sound like he will, as he isn’t taking responsibility for what he is doing.

      I understand you care about your boyfriend and want things between you to be good, but he is behaving in a way that is dangerous to you. Do the people around you know about his abuse? Is this something you can talk about with friends or family or a trusted adult? If so tell them how you are feeling and what is happening, the more people you have supporting you, the easier it will be fore you to decide what to do next. If you need to speak to some you don’t know you can call the 24 hour helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      You can also look at this website for more information on abuse in relationships.

      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/

      We also have a live chat available 5-7 weeknights.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 12/01/2014

  • amber

    08/01/2014

    my friend is currently in a very mentally abusive relationship, i think it maybe physical as well since i had noticed a bruises, but she blames them on other things(such as rough love making), i am very worried about her, and ive tried talking to her but she has become very passive aggressive. im scared for her, she is not the girl she once was and he has stopped her seeing most of her friends and family, i would love to get some tips on how to talk to her and help her. i'm terrified that when the few people she has left are gone, things will only get worse. please help

    amber - 08/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Amber,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear that you are a caring person who has the best interest of their friend at heart and has a clear picture of what is happening to her. She needs people around her that will be supportive and not judge her. Which sounds exactly what you are doing.

      It seems that you have been able to talk to her about your concerns but she gets defensive. If it comes up again you can let her know that you are there for her and that if she is in an abusive relationship you are there for her.

      When we care about someone we can want him or her to end an abusive relationship quickly, as we don’t like to see him or her hurt. However ending it is something only your friend can do in her own time. I have put a link for the women’s aid website below – it contains information that you may find useful.

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100320004

      Let her know that you are there for her and there are places like this website and the domestic abuse helpline she can contact (0808 2000 247) It is important that she has people to turn to that she can trust, and you are one of those people.


      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 12/01/2014

  • Navin

    08/01/2014

    I have been in this abusive relationship for the last 5 years. I put up with all the abuse only because I thought marriage is no joke. However now it has reached to a stage where it is just crippling me inside. I am a very strong person and perhaps that is the reason I haven't resorted to suicide or been a victim of depression. There are 2 serious issues:
    I have a daughter who is 19 months now. Of the time that he spends with her(which is not much anyway) he loses patience with her in no time and growls at her and screams. I think she has been so used to -to his voice since my pregnancy that she ignores it but when can't stand it anymore, then sobs. I usually pick her up and take her away from the scene when he is shouting at her. He is such an evil person that his treatment is so unbearably ill but whenever she is in a happy mood and he is holding around her , he talks to his friends and tells them as if he is an ideal father who just adores his child. He mocks the system and does so only to get alibi's for his good behaviour with his child. When his friends come, he takes her to them and is all full of fun as if he spends the best times with her. He actually shoves her away, when she is 'only being a child' and pushes her too, sometimes gives her a smack and then refuses to that he has actually hurt her. Never does he make plans around her..goes out whenever it pleases him, and never attends to her needs, but says to his friends that due to having a child, it should be understandable how many compromises parents have to make. He is sure that in the future, all his 'acting' will pay off when things will get sour enough for me to leave him. I want to leave him but this thought of having to allow him see my daughter is painful to me. The law only believes in proof. How can one give proof of a man's hypocricy, manipulation, crook acts and horrid lies?
    He has threatened me to hit me physically at some occasions-What would you suggest? Do I need to tell him that I have decided to leave him and then go? I am not working and I want to take all my belongings with me as starting afresh is going to be difficult. I am not working and have spent every last penny that I had saved as he doesnt give me a penny. It is only the child tax credit and benefit that i get for my daughter for our needso(He wanted to bag it too but I had to fight to get that even )..I don't know if he will be rough, or might hurt me or my baby..but since he doesn't have any history of violence then should I just do it? I am worried sick but now do not wish to stay and bear this ugliness anymore. I have refused to have physical contact with him for the last 3 times and that has aggravated his wrath more but he gives vent to it in different ways.
    The most unbelieveable thing is that he is enjoying his life to its fullest and denies that he is abnoxiously a sadist inflicting so much pain with his words, emotionally and verbally -not to speak of the financial abuse!!!!
    Please advise me.

    Navin - 08/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Navin,

      Thank you for coming forward to talk about this difficult situation. I'm really sorry that you are in an unhappy marriage.

      I'm glad that you are looking to leave and are thinking about your options. There is a lot of really helpful information on the Women's Aid website about how to leave as safely as possible. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005

      I think it would be really helpful for you to get in touch with your local domestic violence service to get some support through these difficult times. You can find them on Google, or by contacting the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247. It may also be helpful to talk to the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 802 0008 around what would happen if you were to separate, and how much contact you would have to give to the child's father.

      Please remember that there are services out there that can help you in these difficult times.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2014

  • Georgia

    08/01/2014

    Hi i saw saw one of your adverts and i have a question. I have a mate who's just litlle im in her tutor. Shes on about dieting and i was told her boyfriends saying she too fat and she has to slim or its over. Me and my bestie tryed to tall to her but she just egnores us i had a word with her friends and shes really upset in just an onlooker but what should i tell her or should i see him about leaving her allone help!

    Georgia - 08/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Georgia,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear that you are a caring person who has the best interest of their friend at heart. That’s great, as she needs people around her that will be supportive and not judge her. Which sounds exactly what you are doing.

      It seems that you have been able to talk to her about his behaviour in the past. If it comes up again you can let her know that you are there for her and that the way he is treating her isn’t normal, he is being emotionally abusive and that’s not ok.

      When we care about someone we can want him or her to end an abusive relationship quickly, as we don’t like to see him or her hurt. However ending it is something only your friend can do in her own time.

      Have you spoken to a trusted adult about your fears? If not maybe you could speak to a parent, teacher or trusted adult? If you don’t feel that this is appropriate let her know that you are there for her and there are places like this website and the domestic abuse helpline. She can contact (0808 2000 247) It is important that she has people to turn to that she can trust, and you are one of those people.

      You have done the right thing by speaking to her about the abuse.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 12/01/2014

  • Natalie

    08/01/2014

    I have been with my partner for 8 years and 4 of those years have been the hardest, since having our daughter. A lot has happened in terms of losing loved ones which made life stressful to say the least and resulted in my partner trying to self medicate with alcohol once his dad died.We've recently been through the scrutiny of social services because of the way our arguments have escalated and I have carried this shame for the past year because I used to pride myself on being a good mum if nothing else (I have an older child from a previous relationship)
    We are both seeking counselling because we want to be the people we used to be but it's so hard. He's mostly emotionally and verbally abusive towards me,very rarely physical. Not that that makes a difference because it's worse when he's nasty to me, but ordinarily he's a great dad, a brilliant partner works very hard and helps with the household chores. I just feel at my wits end, he's my best friend and this behaviour isn't who he truly is and I so desperately want things to get better. The counselling is definitely helping as things are improving, but every now and then he seems to go backwards and back in to his old ways and seems to lose control. I guess I wanted to share this because I want people to see the other side of this, when 'just getting out' isn't an option.I want to help him, and if we all walk away our problems will just be taken with them to another girl. Am I the only person that thinks we should be doing something to change their behaviour and this way of thinking? If your honest you leave as a last resort but you want things to just get better. I would happily spend the rest of my life with him provided he could learn to communicate his feelings in a more productive, less abusive a nd destructive way. Are there any domestic abuse groups kind of like an AA group local?

    Natalie - 08/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Natalie,

      Thank you for your message and sharing your story. I can hear how hard the last four years have been for you and how you have coped with a lot during this time. There is support out there for you and for your partner if that is what you are looking for. It’s brave of you to post here; you don’t have to cope on your own with what is happening.

      Your partner is being domestically abusive and this is something that he will have to address in himself, not just his behaviour but also the reasons for it. It sounds like you both want the relationship to succeed but his violence is standing in the way, and affecting your children’s lives too. You cannot change your partner, only he can choose to stop being abusive and take responsibility for his actions. What is happening is not your fault.

      You say you are having counselling at the moment, if you feel you would like some more support you can call the 24 hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Support for your partner is available, to access that support he can call the Respect helpline on 0808 802 40 40. Is it safe for you to suggest this to him? If so they are open weekdays 9-5.

      We also have a live chat available 5-7 weeknights.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 12/01/2014

  • jackie

    08/01/2014

    great idea this sort of abuse is not talked about emotional abuse, broken bones and bruises go away but emotional abuse stays with you for a very long time its been 20 years since my boyfriend abused me and I suffered from low self esteem since

    jackie - 08/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Jackie

      Thanks for your comment and you are right the effects of abuse can be long lasting. I know your relationship was a long while ago but i was wondering if you had received any help about it or specifically to help with your low self esteem.

      If you called the National helpline on 0808 2000 247 they would be able to tell you about any local services in your area that might help. Also you could talk to your GP. You may have already sought help but its always good to ask again if things are not better. You deserve to be happy and feel good about yourself.

      I hope things improve

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 08/01/2014

  • Dean Dicken

    08/01/2014

    How can I stop myself from hitting my ex who is trying 2 mess up my life?

    Dean Dicken - 08/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dean,

      I am glad you got in touch as I hope this shows that you do not want to hit your partner. There is no excuse for any kind of abuse and I want you to contact the respect phoneline as they will be able to listen to you and give you some advice.

      The Respect Phoneline is open:

      Monday - Friday 9am-5pm

      Call us on freephone 0808 802 4040 (free from landlines and most mobile phones).
      EMAIL US: info@respectphoneline.org.uk
      VISIT: http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk

      Please do contact them as soon as you can,
      Jo

      This is Abuse team 09/01/2014

  • Elfine

    08/01/2014

    I've just come out of a two year relationship and after seeing this I am shocked because of the amount of abuse I have been exposed to. Although never physical I now know just how bad and unhealthy the relationship has made me. I think this is a brilliant site because there are a lot of people that wouldn't have a clue that they were being abused unless it was physical. I'm happy to say I'm out of that dark place and I can already see my self confidence and happy self returning! This website is perfect. Thankyou!

    Elfine - 08/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Elfine

      Thanks for your message and feedback about the adverts. its a relief to hear that you are out of that relationship and getting back to your old self - I hope that continues!

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 08/01/2014

  • Steph

    08/01/2014

    Wish I had something like this last year. My first real relationship and I was emotionally abused from the start, told what to wear, what friends I could meet, if I loved him I would do something I didn't want to do. If I had something like this I would have known what to do instead of letting it get so far that physical abuse started. My family and friends had no clue what was going on. The advert with the Hollyoaks actors explains exactly how it is, no one should ever be made to feel like that

    Steph - 08/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Steph,

      Thank you for your message and sharing your story with people reading the site. It sounds like you went through a lot without any support. That takes a lot of strength to cope.

      I’m pleased to hear you are no longer in the relationship, but wonder if you have had any support for what you went through? If not you can look on this website for support in your local area.

      www.womensaid.org.uk

      Thanks again for your message,

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 12/01/2014

  • becks

    08/01/2014

    i just wanted to say that this website is amazing, and I wish there was one up last year, but its amazing that its up now and hope it shows people that they don need to be in a relationship like that, so more and more people don't go through what I did. thank you, websites such a good idea :))

    becks - 08/01/2014

    Reply
  • hlj

    08/01/2014

    i spent two and a half years with a monster and i didnt even know.. he was nasty but i never saw it untill it got worse. he would accuse me of cheating when throughout the relationship i was 100% faithful. id wake up at 5am with my hair being pulled screaming in my ear, he was psychotic but i thought i could handle it. then it got worse, he was a sex addict in my eyes.. he would force it onto me and no matter how much i screamed, cried and kicked he would never stop until hes 'finished' .. then ill be told its okay its normal all boyfriends will do this.. i believed him because i couldnt speak to anyone, i was scared they'd think bad of him and i was young vulnerable and in love i didnt want people to know the side i had to put up with it. i finally got out the relationship where i was then followed around and new partner was mixed up in a fight with him because he couldnt take the fact id accepted what he does is wrong and i was no longer having it. id have threats, name-calling but i had to ignore it. i think i still love him but i dont know if its just where he's manipulated my mind... i was kind of in a bad way because of him! i need someone to talk to.. get it all out.. but i dont know what to do...

    hlj - 08/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      Thanks for your message. It sounds like you were in a very abusive relationship. It is understandable to feel like you might still love him, as love is a really strong emotion that we can't just turn off, but I am very glad you are no longer in that relationship as it was very unsafe and you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

      Rape is never ok and certainly not normal and not part of a healthy respectful relationship.

      I think it is really important that you talk to someone about what you have been through, there are lots of great services out there. If you google the area you live in and then 'domestic violence support services' you should find details of local services or support groups. Ypu can also search for services here: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080006§ionTitle=Find+help+locally
      You can also talk to your GP about a referral to counselling.

      We also have a live chat here mon - fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk more to us.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team 12/01/2014

  • mac

    08/01/2014

    I would like to say to women that are going though abuse there is hope I've been out of an abusive marriage its nearly 2 years I'm counting the one thing that I no is that it wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve to be treated that way I've had counselling and treated for post traumatic stress all that I went though I sit some times and wonder how did I get here but I have and I say to all there is help out there you are not alone tell someone even if it is a doctor or a close friend the presher that you feel and that no one well understand because to others they don't seam the type they are so charming you feel like your going mad but your not I just want to help no one deserves to suffer like that minds games being hit shouted at and more I'm not responsible for him being like he was and you can do it yes they well say things to make you stay or frighten you but don't listen you really need to get out

    mac - 08/01/2014

    Reply
  • Beth

    08/01/2014

    I left my ex after I write on this I felt so brave but after school he and ....................... .... raped me, beat me up and made me walk home ................. I was so upset I'm scared to tell my parents I feel like ending my life everytime I see my ex he laughs at me I want to tell police but I'm scared what ............. might do

    Beth - 08/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Beth,

      Thank you for your message, I wanted to contact you directly as you have
      experienced something terrifying and I'm concerned that you are not safe at
      the moment and may need some support.

      You have been very brave to contact us, what happened to you was not your
      fault and I want you to know that there is support for you to access so you
      are not coping with this alone.

      Do you have any injuries that may need looking at? If you have not been to
      the doctors you may want to, as you could be at risk from sexually
      transmitted infections or pregnancy. If you see a doctor anything you say
      to them will be confidential and you can get some help for any physical
      issues connected to the rape. There are specialist services for women who
      have been raped. I have included a link here so you can see if there is one
      in your area.

      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/Referralcentres2.php

      You say you are frightened to go to the police, which is understandable as
      you have been through a traumatic event. Could you tell anyone else in your
      life, family or a trusted adult who could help you decide what to do next.
      If you do want to go to the police having the support of people around you
      will make it easier for you to do.

      If you are at risk at the moment from this person or their friends you may
      need some protection, the more support you have the safer you will be. I
      have included a link here to some information about what to do after an
      attack and I would encourage you to call rape crisis on on 0808 802 (*12
      –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). *

      We have live chat sessions every Monday - Friday between 5-7 and would really like to help you so perhaps try and give us a call. If you feel you can't do that nor confide in someone you know Childline offer an excellent service for children and young people so you could perhaps call them on 0800 1111. The thoughts about self harm are a normal reaction to the trauma you have been through - try not to feel bad about them. However, the wish to self harm is very difficult to cope with so if you can be brave again and confide in someone that will be the first step towards getting the support you have a right to as well as making sure you are looked after and stay safe.

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 11/01/2014

  • Rhiannon

    08/01/2014

    I wish that I got out that relationship before he turned violent.. He broke my wrist I was covered on bruises and I now self harm.. I think when people are in a relationship they shouldn't be violent or nasty they should know each other for a while it's hard to get up everyday and look in the mirror thinking you let that person you thought you loved do that to you.. It's really hard it feels lonely and it's stuck in your mind every day

    Rhiannon - 08/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Rhiannon

      Thanks for your post. It sounds like you had the strength to escape a very abusive and dangerous relationship but I can hear how much this is still a struggle for you. Abuse is an isolating experience and can leave those who have experienced it in a very lonely place. It is really important that you try and get some support for yourself and understand that this is not your fault and you are responsible in any way for what has happened - you can only be responsible for your own behaviours not those of others. I appreciate that seeking help is not always easy to do but you have a right to feel good about yourself again and rebuild your life. Have you any friends or family you can talk to who would support you?

      It is not uncommon to practice self harming behaviours as a a consequence of abuse. You may have had advice already but if you want ideas about strategies to manage these you could always talk to your GP or contact the national charity MIND on www.mind.org.uk who also have an information and advice line on 0300 1233393. Rhiannon if you are isolated and alone away from friends and family support you could always call the Samaritans on 08457 909090 to chat - they are great especially in those moments at night time and weekends when people often feel really alone.

      My last thought is that you could maybe call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247 as they can tell you about local services in your area. Some areas run groups for women who have experienced abuse and it might help you to try one of these out - meeting women who have had similar experiences may normalise some of what you are thinking and feeling at the moment.

      I hope some of that helps and that you get the help you deserve and that life becomes less lonely in the future

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 08/01/2014

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