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This is ABUSE

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Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

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TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Results: 525 - 540 of 2107

  • Unhappy

    10/01/2014

    I am currently living with my partner of 2 years. I 10 years older than her. She is abusive. She will call me names, hit me when I've tried to leave. Everytime I start packing my stuff she just stands
    at the door and abuse and swear at me. Everytime we do this she throws up my secret. I tried to kill myself previously (unsuccessfully thank god) but all she does is go on and on about it. Sorry for waffling on, I'm not a violent person but if another one of these comes along I'm going to snap :(

    Unhappy - 10/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      Thanks for your message, I am not sure of your gender from your post but if you are male I suggest contacting the Mens Advice Line who will be able to listen and give you advice :
      http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/mens_advice.php
      0808 801 0327 - Monday - Friday 10am-1pm and 2pm-5pm

      If you are female then I suggest contacting Broken Rainbow: http://www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/
      0300 999 5428

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team 12/01/2014

  • tom

    10/01/2014

    Although its more than four years since she destroyed our marriage and family and I left our family home rather than cause any more distress she is still trying to mess with my head and do as much damage to me WS she can. She won't agree a fair settlement, do anything about the debts she ran up on my cards and keeps threatening to take half my pension. She had the house has left me no option other than go bankrupt and still wants to decimate my pension and my future, whats left of it! She fools everyone, and me the most for 25 years!

    tom - 10/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Tom,

      Thanks for getting in contact. It sounds like a really tough time for you, and I'm sorry that you are feeling distressed.

      It sounds like you would really benefit from some legal advice around what is happening to you at the moment. It might be helpful to see if there is a free Law Centre near you that may be able to assist you, you can find this at http://www.lawcentres.org.uk/ alternatively then you can speak to your local Citizen's Advice Bureau.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to contact the Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327, they are a specific advice line for men experiencing violence and abuse, and it would be helpful to talk through some of your experiences and see if there are any additional support service you can access.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 13/01/2014

  • thomas

    10/01/2014

    Although I never appreciated just how abusive my wife was I put up with many years of emotional and psychological intimidation until she then used the system to really put the boot in. The police and courts are blind to abuse against most men. She nearly killed me and might yet succeed. Aided by the system she has taken everything including my confidence and self esteem.

    thomas - 10/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Thomas,

      Thanks for getting in contact. It sounds like you're having a really tough time, we are aware that men can experience physical and emotional abuse, and there are services that will support male victims of abuse.

      The Men's Advice Line offers advice and support for men, their number is 0808 801 0327. They will also be able to put you in contact with any ongoing support services in your local area.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 13/01/2014

  • Claire

    10/01/2014

    My fiance got angry the other night. We had an argument about me using my phone so he smashed and broke it. I walked out of the room and he grabbed a knife and came after me. I didn't back down and told me he didn't scare me, he walked away and put it back. He came back though and said it was my fault he broke my phone and was angry because I had started it - I hadn't meant to start an argument I only tried to defend myself and tell him I hadn't been texting or messaging or calling anyone else. He has never actually hurt me in any physical way on purpose.

    This isn't the first time we have had a row like this, but it's only once every few months. The rest of the time he is kind and caring and loving. I don't want to leave him but I do need to find a way of talking to him and making him realise his behaviour isn't right and I don't deserve to be treated that way or threatened.

    He's better now than when we first got together, he would check my phone records and I wasn't allowed to see any of my friends or text them unless he was there watching what I was doing. When I used Facebook, he would always start a row about it because of his paranoia and in the end I just deleted it because it made my life easier. He never explicitly says I can't do something, he just makes it more unpleasant for me until he gets what he wants anyway. I try and stand up for myself for a while but then I just give in because I hate it when he doesn't talk to me and he stops being affectionate and loving and caring. I don't want to leave him but I don't know how I can talk to him without him getting upset and angry.

    Claire - 10/01/2014

    Reply
    • HI Claire,

      Thanks for coming forward to share your experiences. It must have been really scary for you. Threatening someone with a knife is a really scary tactic to use, whether he was actually going to use it or not.

      Although you feel your partner's behaviour has got better because he doesn't monitor you so much, there is still abusive behaviour there, and this won't change unless he wishes to address it. If he would like to access support around this then he can call the Respect Helpline, but he has to choose to do this.

      My concern is around the support you are receiving. I think it might be helpful to talk to someone about what is happening. Nobody is going to make you leave your partner, but it is really important that you take some measures to put yourself first.

      You could get in contact with your local domestic abuse service via the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247. There is also a lot of useful information on the Women's Aid Website www.womensaid.org.uk

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2014

  • Nameless

    10/01/2014

    I'm really, really frightened. My boyfriend is mentally unstable and is making threats of the worst kind. He is very obsessive. I am too scared to be give any more information in case he sees this. I don't know what to do.

    Nameless - 10/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      Thank you for your post, I understand that you are frightened but it is really good that you have got in touch. Well done for being brave and reaching out for support.

      If you are ever scared then please ring the police on 999. You can also ring the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 - they are open 24 hours a day and will be able to give you lots of advice and can tell you about local support in your area. There are lots of great organisations who can help you.

      If you want to talk more, we have a live chat service here every mon-fri from 5-7pm. I will be online tonight if you are able to come on.

      It is hard to give specific advice without more details, but please know that you are not alone,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team 10/01/2014

  • alysia

    10/01/2014

    I think this is an absolutely amazing idea. The name domestic violence suggests physical abuse and not necessarily emotional/mental abuse. I'm a huge supporter after being in an abusive relationship myself. I didn't realise at the time but I'm so glad I'm out of it now. From being 15 my partner stopped me talking to boys, constantly checked up on me, checked my phone and Facebook, even removed people off my contacts, he rang me kicking off because I didn't tell him I was going to a relatives, said he would come and drag me home to get me away from my friends, told me what to wear, questioned me if I wore makeup, made me stay at his house even if he wasn't in so he knew where I was, accused me of cheating etc. Made up stories about me and spread them around. On holiday he threatened to stay in the hotel room on the last day unless I slept with him, I felt pressured and I did. Not only that but he hit me, strangled me, kicked me in the head when we split up and he found out I started seeing someone. He said if I didn't want to get married or have kids there was no point in us being together, I accepted his proposal and had a child with him to keep him happy. He says that even if I get a new partner, he'll always have me because of our child and has told people he can have me whenever he wants me. He no longer sees our child and I have nothing to do with him. The list could go on. Although all this together, sounds silly I didn't realise before but I was young and I didn't know any better. I never spoke out and I never told anyone about this. Bruises fade and tears dry but I will always be emotionally scared because of this. I urge people in these situations to tell someone! Don't suffer in silence. They never really had anything like this while I was in this situation, it was never really spoke about. Which is why this is amazing and definitely raises awareness. Hopefully people will realise and get the help they need. Thank you ever so much for coming up with this idea! :) xx

    alysia - 10/01/2014

    Reply
  • Sophie

    10/01/2014

    I was 16 when I first started a relationship with my abusive ex, at first things were lovely or so I thought, although there was no physical violence at first, looking back I realised I was in denial about how controlling and confrontational, he was. I also realise now that what I dismissed as playful banter was actually patronizing, disrespectful and demeaning putdowns, over the years this escalated to full on psychological/emotional abuse which did far more damage then and still deeply affects me to this day, than any of the bruises, broken bones or split lips n bloody noses ever did. I'm ashamed to say I stayed with him for 12yrs and had 3 children with him, and made the excuses, as much to myself as anyone else, that in time he would change and that it was more important to keep our family together than to have my children grow up in a broken home. This is fundamentally the biggest mistake I made in convincing myself that I was staying for the sake of our children. My children are now in their teens and early adulthood, and we've all needed therapy to deal with the damage this man did to us all psychologically, my daughter is especially angry with me that I didn't protect them from this sooner, and my sons are struggling to deal with their views on women and relationships as they are afraid they will be the same as their father. Nearly 10years on from our divorce, I am still battling guilt and shame that I allowed fear of not only him, but fear of not being able to cope alone, block me from effectively protecting my children. They've all said they would rather have grown up without knowing their Dad than seeing and hearing all that they did. He was never violent towards them, and they all still have contact with him now, which they all say is mostly good, but they still stand by that they would rather have lived in a one parent home than deal with the memories of the childhood they did have. The reason I'm writing this is to hopefully draw to the attention of any young ones who think you can change someone or that given time they will change on their own, it won't happen. But this is especially for anyone in any form of abusive relationship who has children- don't deceive yourself into thinking it doesn't affect a child, no matter the child's age it will affect them negatively, in some way or another. Please please, talk to as many different professionals as possible, put your children first and get help for yourself so that you can be strong for yourself and for them. No-one has the right to take away your peace, even if they only occasionally behave badly, get out before they destroy your soul, you're worth more than that, and you're stronger than you think.

    Sophie - 10/01/2014

    Reply
  • Kelly

    09/01/2014

    I've been with my bf for two years and recently found out he's cheated on me he says he never but I know that he did I find it hard to leave him although he's some what he have he says things like you can't live without me I can love without you he says if I keep on asking him he'll leave me if I love him then I wouldn't ask questions etc I feel like he's laughing at me but I can't being myself to end it I don't know what's wrong with me and it's getting to me as to why I feel like no emotion anymore I'm numb it's like nothing seems to bother me it goes over my head I'm weak minded and I don't want to be I'm a mother and a very lively person but I can't seem to break away I don't even know if I love him as I don't know the feeling I'm experiencing I feel like I do love him because if I never then Surley I would leave him right? I'm the first person to tell my mates to leave if there partners are mugging them off so why can't I take my own advice? I always think Maybe it was from my previous relationships first boyfriends first love he cheated so I've come to the conclusion that maybe it's me and I'm doing something wrong and that is why there doing these things please give me some answeres as I soooooo confused x

    Kelly - 09/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Kelly,

      Thanks for coming forward and talking about these issues. It sounds like you are really struggling with your feelings and thoughts at the moment.

      It seems that you feel trapped in your unhappy relationship. I am concerned that you don't feel anything for the person you are with, because it sounds like it is time for you leave the relationship. We are not here to tell you what to do, as the choice is always yours, but your relationship does sound very unhappy.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to someone about what is stopping you leaving at the moment, and talking through some of your options. You can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2014

  • Sarah

    09/01/2014

    I had to leave a message to say thank you so much for creating this advert. When I was a teenager my then boyfriend emotionally, and occasionally physically, abused me. I was unaware at the time that this is what he was doing, as he always made me doubt myself. I believe this advert would have really helped me when I was younger and I hope this advert can save other women and men from unhealthy relationships.
    P.s
    I am now married to the kindest and most loving man that I have ever met.

    Sarah - 09/01/2014

    Reply
  • Anonymous

    09/01/2014

    Hi, I would like another persons opinion on something I have recently experienced I'm not sure where the line could cross from love and protection or over protective and controlling.
    Up until about a year and a half ago I lived a rather normal life went to school did my school work and went out with my friends almost every night which I really enjoyed until I met a boy and we became really close although when I really first met him every time I saw him it was always the same thing he would hit me punch me throw things at me call me names like 'train tracks' due to my braces or 'dyke' due to my short hair or make fun that I don't have a large chest. I never did anything for him to do this to me because u actually really really liked him but when I told him he called me ugly and said he didn't feel the same, until a year and a half ago when he came out and said that he now liked me so everything changed and the hitting stopped and he promised he wouldn't anymore although other things started when I met him we ended up with the same group of friends in the end and suddenly he decided that he didn't want to go out anymore and after a few weeks he then told me that I shouldn't be going out anymore and so I stopped, I stopped seeing my friends, talking to them, accepting their invites to days out with them going shopping anything at all i stopped because if I did accept there was always consequences I got wrong called things and made huge arguments so eventually I gave up trying! Now I don't see anyone at all other than my boyfriend I don't go out and anyone else I see is at school. He is very protective and I'm not allowed to talk, text or even look at other boys other wise we fall out every time, he even gets very jealous and hit headed when it comes to me going to see my cousin or out with family he panics that ill lie or be with boys or that they will look at me! It even affects my hobbies I love to go rock climbing every Saturday but he will always have a go at me because he says other boys will be able to look at me? We also go through the procedure every day of what I'm wearing and if I'm showing too much skin if so yet again I get wrong and called things the same goes for make-up! I also don't know what to do when it comes to sex as I don't know how to approach things if I feel very uncomfortable and don't want to if I don't he will not speak to me and becomes very moody and depressed and thinks I'm not interested in him at all and that I don't love him or that I'm seeing someone else and often I don't know whether he's joking or not but threatens to do it anyways or wait until I'm asleep and has done this before too. I know this is long but I had a lot to get off my chest I'd like someone's advice and own opinion on my situation and let me know if what I'm saying is just love and protection or over protective and controlling I'm told by many of my friends it is but I'm not sure and this has gone on so long I don't think I know any different? :/

    Thanks.

    Anonymous - 09/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi,

      Thanks for coming forward to talk to us. I'm glad you've had an opportunity to get some of these things off your chest.

      Your partner's behaviour sounds really controlling, and it must be really difficult for you. It seems that by trying to keep you with him he is pushing you away. There will alway be other men in the world, and he can't keep you from that.

      I would like to advise you that it is your body, and you have the right to say no to everything that makes you feel uncomfortable. You shouldn't feel pressured in to doing things you do not want to do. If your partner respected you then he would not sulk and would not pressure you.

      I'm concerned that you don't have very much support because your boyfriends has stopped you seeing your friends, so I think it would be helpful for you to talk to someone. We are running Live Chat sessions on this website Monday to Friday 5pm until 7pm so please come back and talk to us about what has been going on. Alternatively you can contact the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care, Luke

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2014

  • Wanda

    09/01/2014

    I was in a mariage for 17 years this was a physical abuse relationship.one day I plucked up the courage to leave him and take my two kids with me, since the divorce 3 years ago, he likes to play mind games, harrassing me at work etc.i did contact the police on several occassions for various text message of threats, but all the police could do is to ask him not to contact me, he still texts me, even though I ignore them, I just wish he would leave me alone, iam at breaking point and feel no one can help me, I have been given a contact number from the police called leeway, but Ifee whats the point as nothing will stop this man, is there anything I can do for mental abuse, as he is clever the way he does this! Please help!

    Wanda - 09/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Wanda,

      Thanks for getting in contact. It sounds like a really horrible situation to be in. If Leeway is your local domestic violence service it might be really helpful to get involved with them, they may be able to offer you counselling support to address the emotional abuse you have experienced.

      Something you might want to consider is taking a Non-Molestation Order against him, it will stop him being able to contact you directly or indirectly. It is ordered by the Court, so he could be arrested if he breaches it, and he could serve a custodial sentence for breaching. There's more about the Order here, http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330002§ionTitle=Getting+an+injunction

      There are other options, such as changing your mobile number, however this is difficult where there are children involved, but you could maybe have a separate number for him which you could only turn on when you needed to.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to talk about what services are available to offer you support. You can contact the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      You may also wish to talk to your GP about accessing some counselling to address the issues you have experienced.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2014

  • Lucy

    09/01/2014

    Hello,
    I do not know if I'm in a abusive relationship but I'm going to write what I go through and I hope I will find out how and if I am. And if so how to stop it.
    Basically I've been with this guy for 9months not that long but since the 3rd month he wouldn't let me see my guy friends , he won't let me on my phone unless it's to him or certain people in my famil. Then in the 5th month he wouldn't even let me see any friends and if I would he would have a go at me calling me swear words, a slag, unfaithful, ect. But the worst thing was when I woke up after being asleep he was having sex with me and I told him to stop and then I had to push him off. He is such a lovely and loving person when he is only with me but I'm worried what this may excalt to. I'm very scared of him due to he is very violent and has a very viscous mind and side to him so I can't leave him that easy and I am still head over heels inlove with him.

    Just need some advice
    Lucy

    Lucy - 09/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lucy,

      Thanks for getting in contact with us. It seems like there are a few issues that you want to address.

      Firstly, you have asked if what is happening is abuse, and the answer is yes. But I think you knew that already, otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

      It can be really difficult to come to terms with, and I'm glad you are starting to address it. I think it is really important to look at what a healthy relationship looks like, and in a healthy relationship you do not need permission to see your friends, you would also not expect your partner to call you abusive names.

      It's really crucial that you understand that to have sex legally then you have to give consent to the act, so you have to have sex. By having sex with you whilst you were asleep you could not give consent, you could not say yes, and therefore that act was rape and if you wanted to talk to someone about what happened then you can call the Rape Crisis Helpline on 0808 802 9999.

      It seems that you are very aware that what is happening is not acceptable. There is some information on the Women's Aid website about leaving safely if that is what you want to do, http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005.

      I think it might be helpful for you to contact the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk through some of your options. No one is going to make you leave your partner, but I think it would be good for you to talk some of this through.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2014

  • amie

    09/01/2014

    hello. after seeing your advert on mtv it really made me think I genuinly said yes to everyone of the questions. he has never hit me but when he looses his temper I do feel kinda scared. everyday he has to check my phone messages, fb messages, twitter, instagram. even of I have made friends with a boy on any of these things he makes me feel guilty. he checks my call logs to see of I have rang any one while I have not been with him through the day. if I text my friends he will want to know what has been said. he does not like any of my friends and does not like me hanging with any of them. he also reads through my families texts. he peer pressures me into having sex most nights by getting angry and in a mood if I refuse. he does notlet me go to pubs/clubs without him by my side. I do not know if this is abuse but I would like some opinions on what to do please! thankyou

    amie - 09/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Amie,

      Thanks for getting in contact. It sounds like you are in a very controlling relationship, and nobody has the right to behave in this way. It is unacceptable.

      I really want to stress that it is your body, and you have the right to say no. If you do not want to have sex you shouldn't feel pressured in to having sex anyway. This coercive behaviour is sexual assault and possibly rape. Your partner should respect you enough to not have sex with you if you do not want to.

      I am concerned by your partner's controlling behaviour, and I'm really glad that you have spotted the warning signs. Your partner should trust you not to look through your profiles, and it worries me how he might act if he found something that he didn't like.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to someone a little bit more about what has been happening. You can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2014

  • Ellie

    09/01/2014

    My names Ellie and i'm 16 years old. My boyfriend gets angry at me over so many things. the other day he asked to see my phone i said why? And he slapped me and said haven't we talked about this before? so i just gave it to him. He read all my messages went through my contacts and asked why I texted my friend Nick (it was for school work nothing crazy) and he didn't wait for an answer he just started hitting me. I know it sounds crazy but i still love him no matter what i know i should listen to him and not text guys and people he doesnt approve of im just here to ask how can i get him to stop getting so angry over things , In your guys opinion will he change?

    Ellie - 09/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ellie,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like a really difficult situation for you.

      I'm really sorry to hear that there is abuse taking place, and what your partner is doing is not right. It is never ok to use violence, and what he is doing is against the law. By hitting you, he is assaulting you and can be arrested for that. But it is also not a healthy relationship, this is a person that you are meant to trust, and that is meant to care for you. By using violence against you he is not doing this.

      My concern is that the violence that he uses against you may get even worse. He is using violence to control your actions, and you should be able to talk to who you like, and he should be able to trust you to do that. I am worried that if he thinks he can't control you that the violence will get even more dangerous.

      He would have to choose to address his violent behaviour himself he wished to change, he could access a violence prevention programme and contact the Respect Helpline. But my biggest concern is your safety. I think it would be really beneficial for you to talk to someone about what has been going on and explore some of your options. Have you talked to any adults that you trust about what has been happening?

      I think you should call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to have chat about your experiences and maybe to look at ways that you can keep yourself safe.

      Please remember, if you are in danger then always call 999, like I said, what he is doing is wrong and illegal.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 12/01/2014

    • Dear Ellie,

      Thank you for your message. It’s really brave of you to post what has happened to you here, I can hear how confused you are by the situation you are in and I’m pleased you have been able to reach out for help here.

      Your boyfriend is being domestically abusive, hitting you, controlling you and emotionally abusing you. The way he is treating you is not ok and it is not your fault for texting boys. He is abusing you because he chooses to, nothing you do to change your behaviour will make him stop. He can only stop if he decides to, which it doesn’t sound like he will, as he isn’t taking responsibility for what he is doing.

      I understand you care about your boyfriend and want things between you to be good, but he is behaving in a way that is dangerous to you. Do the people around you know about his abuse? Is this something you can talk about with friends or family or a trusted adult? If so tell them how you are feeling and what is happening, the more people you have supporting you, the easier it will be fore you to decide what to do next. If you need to speak to some you don’t know you can call the 24 hour helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      You can also look at this website for more information on abuse in relationships.

      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/

      We also have a live chat available 5-7 weeknights.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 12/01/2014

  • amber

    08/01/2014

    my friend is currently in a very mentally abusive relationship, i think it maybe physical as well since i had noticed a bruises, but she blames them on other things(such as rough love making), i am very worried about her, and ive tried talking to her but she has become very passive aggressive. im scared for her, she is not the girl she once was and he has stopped her seeing most of her friends and family, i would love to get some tips on how to talk to her and help her. i'm terrified that when the few people she has left are gone, things will only get worse. please help

    amber - 08/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Amber,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear that you are a caring person who has the best interest of their friend at heart and has a clear picture of what is happening to her. She needs people around her that will be supportive and not judge her. Which sounds exactly what you are doing.

      It seems that you have been able to talk to her about your concerns but she gets defensive. If it comes up again you can let her know that you are there for her and that if she is in an abusive relationship you are there for her.

      When we care about someone we can want him or her to end an abusive relationship quickly, as we don’t like to see him or her hurt. However ending it is something only your friend can do in her own time. I have put a link for the women’s aid website below – it contains information that you may find useful.

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100320004

      Let her know that you are there for her and there are places like this website and the domestic abuse helpline she can contact (0808 2000 247) It is important that she has people to turn to that she can trust, and you are one of those people.


      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 12/01/2014

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This isn't a dating site – it's a platform to talk about teenage relationship abuse and your opinions on the matter; don't use it to meet or flirt with other people.

Don't write everything in CAPS – it's the equivalent of shouting and isn't polite or easy for everyone to read.

Don't post entire messages in text speak – it's ok to shorten some words but not everyone understands text speak or finds it easy to read.

It's ok to post links to other websites as long as they're relevant to the "This Is Abuse" debate and don't break the house rules in any way.

Don't break copyright rules. This means that you shouldn't post text you didn't write.