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This is ABUSE

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TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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An expert from Young People’s Services – AVA – is reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 435 - 450 of 2196

  • anon

    02/02/2014

    my ex boyfriend and me broke up a few months ago after he asked me for pics and when we met up he kept begging me for sex and to give him what he wanted when i said no he said he could get condoms and that he wantedto here me moan for him i kept refusing but im confused as i love him and think he does me but i dont no if he will try something i dont wont to do or force me to.

    anon - 02/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like it's been really tough on you.

      It is never acceptable for someone to pressure another person in to having sex or performing sexual acts, and if he had any respect for you then he would not behave in this way.

      It is your body, and you should feel comfortable in the things that you do with it. You should not use it to do what somebody tells you you have to do.

      It sounds like you have made the right choice by ending the relationship. It seems like he is not supportive of your needs, and I hope you find somebody who doesn't pressure you and makes you feel comfortable when you are ready.

      If you wanted to talk to someone in a little more detail about what has happened then you can contact childlike on 0800 1111 if you are under 16, or the national helpline on 0808 2000 246 if you are 16 and over.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 04/02/2014

  • lindsay

    02/02/2014

    I have been in a relationship for 9 years and i now realise all is not well and i feel trapped and scared pls help

    lindsay - 02/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lindsay,

      Thank you for getting in touch. It sounds like it's really difficult for you at the moment.

      Unfortunately I can't give you very much information without a bit more detail. It would be really helpful if you were to come and talk to us on Live Chat Monday-Friday 5pm until 7pm. Alternatively give the national helpline a call on 0808 2000 247, and we can explore your options with you.

      It's really important that you know that there are services out there that can help you and help you leave as safely as possible, so please do get in touch!

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 04/02/2014

  • Marcus

    02/02/2014

    I am a guy who has been in a abusive relationship both being victim and criminal. I no i need help and ive tried to stop the madness that occurs wen my temper goes.but can i ask one thing tho.is it ok for a woman to say so much evil things and do evil fings..yet when its bought up in convo it turns to a fight.am i wrong in saying if she hadnt of said those evil things (dont wanna repeat it) then no such incident would of took place.i am in need of help because i lose it alot recently

    Marcus - 02/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Marcus,

      Thanks for your post. I think you are asking a question that might be helpful to other people too.

      You are always responsible for your actions, whatever your partner has said or done. Of course this does not make it ok for someone to be verbally abusive to you. At the same time, it is never an excuse for you to become either abusive or use violence.

      If your partner is saying hurtful things to you it is important that you think about whether she is the kind of person that you want to be in a relationship with in the first place?

      So, yes, whatever your partner has said, no matter how horrible, what you do is your responsibility. You said that after she says something it turns into a fight. However it takes two people to fight, so if you walk away there cannot be a fight.

      This leads to another problem. It can be really hard to walk away, especially when we are hurt, angry or feel that we are being treated unfairly. It is really important that you are able to though. This is a skill that you may need help to learn and to practice. Help is available, not only to learn how to walk away, but also to develop other skills for dealing with difficulties in relationships as well as really understand respectfulness and responsibility.

      If you want to talk with an advisor about this kind of help you can call the Respect Phone Line on 0808 802 4040.

      I hope that’s helpful.

      Take good care,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 03/02/2014

  • Kayleigh

    02/02/2014

    I am 26 and have been with my partner for 8 years. We have a five year old son and he is my world. everything was fine and happy until my son was about 6months old- in fact we were close friends for years before we were together and he was so respectful and loving towards me). The last few years have been so bad in many ways I cant begin to tell you everything. I have gone back into education and I study very hard in university in a degree in the medical field, he does nothing he goes out with his friends and drinks, smokes cannibis, and is consumed by self pity. He is so controlling and makes me feel guilty about going to university as if I am going there to find another partner. Hes verbally abusive towards me and infront of our son, he threatens to kill me, kick me in the face, kill himself, stab me, kill my mum and my family and that doesnt even scratch the surface. he hates my mum who I am very close to (I dont have a father around and no brothers, sisters etc) and whenever he gets wound up he brings her into it (even though he hasnt seen her for nearly a year) when we argue he says hes going to go and light her house on fire and chop her up etc.. I cant cope anymore. I am so unhappy I cant tell my mum. I just want this to stop I try so hard in life and I want the best for my son but he is ruining my life. I cant leave because he couldnt handle it an will go to my mums or my elderly nans. He would try and take my son away as well. He also smashes things up in the house, puts holes in the doors, throws things at me and when I try and stop him or calm him down he hurts me.. he doesnt punch me in the face but hes ran at me and threw me and he has choked me a few times in the past and grabbed me by my face really hard. I feel so isolated and helpless I just wish there was someone to talk to online about it

    Kayleigh - 02/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Kayleigh,

      Thanks for getting in contact. It sounds like a really horrible situation for you. It also seems like you are ready to leave but don't know how to do so safely.

      You are not responsible for his behaviour, he is choosing to be aggressive and controlling, he is choosing to smoke cannabis and go out with his friends all the time, that is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to keep yourself and your child safe at the moment.

      Some of the things you have said to me really concern me, such at the choking, and the threats that he makes about your mother. He seems like a very unstable man, and this is not the kind of person you want around a young child.

      There are options for you, and services that can help you leave him as safely as possible. I would really recommend that you contact your local domestic abuse service. You can find them on Google, or by contacting the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      I am worried for your safety, and if you feel at risk then always contact 999. His behaviour is dangerous, and I wouldn't want you to be injured, or your child.

      It is really helpful to talk to someone about what is going on, your mother probably already has an inkling of what is taking place. It isn't a sign of weakness, if anything you have shown strength by putting up with it for so long.

      There is some information to the following link about leaving safely, but nobody is going to make you leave. It has to be your choice when you are ready, but what services will be able to do is help you leave as safely as possible when that time comes. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005

      We are running a live chat service Monday to Friday, 5pm-7pm if you do want to talk a little bit more about your options, but if you would also like to talk on the phone then please call the national helpline.

      This can be a really scary time, so please do take as much support as you can.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 03/02/2014

  • Zara

    02/02/2014

    Im in a marriage i dont want to be in i have no interest in him at all and he sleeps with me knowing i dont want to and when i build up the courage to push him away he gets moody and childish and says hes going to leave me i have no family support as he was my parents choice for me to marry him i feel completely alone and cant talk to anyone about how i feel

    Zara - 02/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Zara,

      It sounds like a really difficult situation. Whether you have had an arranged marriage or a forced marriage, UK law supports that you don't want to stay with someone that you do not want to be with.

      Somebody having sex with you against your will is rape, no matter what kind of marriage you are in, and there is protection out there for you.

      It can be a really difficult time for someone looking to leave an arranged/forced marriage, because there is a huge association with honour and my concern would be that there was any risk of so called 'honour based violence' towards you.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to call Karma Nirvana, a national charity which works specifically around some of these issues, their telephone number is 0800 5999247.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 03/02/2014

  • charmaine

    01/02/2014

    im in a relationship with my crush and he kept saying he loves me and he is 17 and he cant wait for me to go to college and i cant let anybody know im going out with

    charmaine - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Charmaine

      Thanks for your message. Is your 'crush' older than you? I am wondering why its so important for you to not let anyone know about your relationship. Is there a particular reason for this?

      It should be possible to let a healthy relationship be in the open. Can you explain a bit more about this so we can help more?

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 02/02/2014

  • Anonymous

    01/02/2014

    I left my ex boyfriend as I was getting the nick taken for it and he wanted to do stuff I didn't but I still like him and I think he does me and I just don't no what to do? Incase he try's something I don't won't and he's 1 year older than me

    Anonymous - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Anonymous

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like you still feel confused about this relationship because you liked your ex. However, you are also anxious about what might happen if you get back together. I think its always wise to listen to those sort of gut feelings. Clearly when you were together before he made demands or suggestions that made you feel uncomfortable. If you get back together that might happen again and its so important in a relationship to feel safe and by that I mean safe emotionally , physically and sexually.

      Have you been able to talk to anyone about this because its important you have some support for yourself. A healthy relationship of course is built on respect and negotiation and not pressurising the other person. Take a look at the website www.respectnotfear.co.uk which is for young peopke and all about relationships. You may find it helpful.

      We also have live chat sessions Mon -Fri 5 -7 if you wanted to give us a call. i hope that helps a bit

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 02/02/2014

  • charmaine

    01/02/2014

    my boyfriend wants to go out with me at college but im scared stiff he will call me names and he says he cant wait for me to come college but im scared he will punch me or hurt me

    charmaine - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Charmaine

      Thanks for getting in touch. It really sounds like you are not entirely sure about this relationship. A healthy relationship should not see you being fearful or worried that your boyfriend might hurt you or call you nasty names. Those behaviours are abuse and unacceptable. Have you been able to talk to any of your friends about your worries? I would encourage you to do that as its difficult to manage alone when you feel anxious and scared.

      Take a look at this website for young people www.respectnotfear.co.uk which gives lots of useful advice and tips. Maybe take a look and weigh up what the benefits are to you from this relationship.

      i hope that helps a bit

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 02/02/2014

  • Jess

    01/02/2014

    Last year i was in my first serious relationship
    It was great at first and i loved it but after 4 months he started talking about sex constantly
    One day he just forced himself on me and had sex with me
    I didnt want to and didnt give my consent but i didnt push him away as i was scared
    Im not sure whether this is rape or not.. thanks

    Jess - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Jess

      Thanks for getting in touch. I am really glad you did as you shouldn't have to cope with something like this alone. I know you may feel confused about what happened but yes this was rape. You said you did not want sex and didn't give your consent so this makes it rape. You also don't have to say no verbally for it to mean that you didn't consent to sex. There is information about sex and the law on these links - www.brook.org.uk or www.c4urself.org.uk which you might find useful.

      Something like this happening can be traumatic and frightening and its really important for you to try and get some support for yourself. This could be from a parent or close friend if you felt able to talk to them about what happened. If not you could talk to rape crisis on 0808 802 9999 who offer a fantastic confidential service. Rape can have long term effects on you so please try and give them a call.

      Also I am not sure from your message how recent this was. Maybe pop along to your local sexual health clinic and get yourself checked out. They are used to dealing with situations like yours and again its all confidential. Remember this is not your fault and there are services out there that can help you recover and move on and enjoy your life.

      i hope things work out for you

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 02/02/2014

  • Billie

    01/02/2014

    my friend is having sex underage but she doesn't tell anyone about it..she got pregnant twice but she doesn't want anyone to know because she is scared

    Billie - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Billie

      Thanks for getting in touch with us. Firstly your friend is lucky to have you as its really hard to cope with things like this on your own so I am sure she appreciates you being there for her.

      I can understand that' she feels scared. Lots of young girls worry about this especially when they are underage as they think they will be in trouble if they tell anyone. Is it her boyfriend that she fell pregnant with and are they a similar age? If he is quite a bit older than her then she may need to find the courage to tell someone about what is going on - maybe she would let you help her do that. My worry would be that perhaps she is not really wanting to have a sexual relationship and either can't say no to him or does not know how to get out of this relationship. If however, she is consenting to sex then that might be a bit different.

      If your friend is most worried about the fact she is underage then there is a good website for young people about sex which is www.c4urself.org.uk and I am attaching the link that deals with the law and sex http://www.c4urself.org.uk/youth/sexlaw.php. Most clinics are very understanding if both young people are consenting to the relationship but if this is not the case they would want to try and help her to safely end the relationship.

      Billie we also have Live chat sessions Mon- Fri 5 -7. Do you think either she or you would want to call and talk to us a bit more about this. All the calls are confidential and no one would judge her or be cross with her.

      Another option would be to try and encourage her to talk to an adult she trusts.It could be a parent or if not maybe a teacher, youth leader, school nurse.....someone like that because all of these people should be able to offer her advice and support. You could also get her to look at the Brook Advisory website on www.brook.org.uk which is a specialist contraceptive and pregnancy service for those aged under 25. Again everything is confidential.They could also tell her about local sexual health clinics in her area that she could go to for advice as well. This is very important as she should get some help choosing a type of contraceptive that suits her so she can avoid falling pregnant.

      I hope that helps a bit as somewhere to start and that things work out for her. She is lucky to have you!

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 02/02/2014

  • Ash

    01/02/2014

    So I'm in a new relationship, its all going well, and i managed to help my boyfriend out of some stuff (regarding soft drugs) and I tried my best, he says i have helped yet he blames occasions on relapses and recently (last 3 weeks or so) he has veen saying how he feels this is all too good to he true, he wabts to go through my phone and messages and I want to let him, I love him so much i just wabna prove to him I'm not doing anyrhing behind his back :/ but i dont know what to do please help :(

    Ash - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ash,

      Thanks for your comment. It sounds like a really difficult time.

      I am quite concerned about your boyfriend's controlling behaviour, as these things tend to escalate, so at the moment he wants to read your texts, but next he might not want you seeing certain friends, or wearing certain items of clothing.

      If he wants to address it then he can get help, the Respect Phoneline can talk him through why his behaviour is not acceptable and challenge some of the views that he might have, their number is 0808 802 4040, they also have a lot of great information on their website, www.respectphoneline.org.uk, including a leaflet on managing jealousy.

      However, my biggest concern is whether you are being supported or not. It might be helpful for you to talk to friends or family about his behaviour. Just in case things change or get worse, it means that they can look out for you. You can also talk to us, we are running a Live Chat service 5pm-7pm Monday to Friday, or you can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247 if you have got any worries or would like to talk about this in a little bit more detail.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 02/02/2014

  • Jodie

    01/02/2014

    I've been in my relationship 7 years and married nearly 3, past year or so we just constantly argue, he hates me being friends with my male friends, constantly puts me down and isn't very helpful when it comes to financial difficulties :( we have a 3 year old boy an many times he's gets angry so quickly an even called him a life sentence, how do I get out of it I'm scared

    Jodie - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jodie,

      Thanks for coming forward and talking about this. It sounds like a really horrible situation to be in, and I'm glad that you can see that the best thing to do for you and your son is to leave. It seems like your partner is really controlling, and you are clearly scared of him. Fear is never acceptable in a relationship.

      This link takes you to the Women's Aid website and talks about how to leave as safely as possible, http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005 and this link talks through where you could go and housing options. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100320002

      There are a lot of services out there that can help you, so don't feel that you have to do this all on your own. Something that you might consider is if there is somewhere you can go for a day or two, a parent's house or a friends house. Then I would recommend getting in contact with your local domestic abuse service, you can find them on google, or by contacting the national helpline on 0808 2000 247, they will be able to support you through all of this.

      If you would like any legal advice around your son, child contact or anything like that then you might also want to call the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 802 0008, it is a free legal advice service.

      If you feel that you are in danger then call 999.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 02/02/2014

  • S.E.A

    01/02/2014

    I have helped people who have been in really difficult and abusive relationships but I would like to make it known that it really isn't just girls who get the abuse. Boys, if this has happened to you, or you've been in difficult situations, please don't be shy or troubled. There are always people to help for both sexes. The media presents a strong image about abuse towards females, but it can happen to males too. For both genders, if abuse has happened, or if you are worried about something, do not hesitate to ask for support from this website, your parents, childline and others who you can trust. I know its hard, I have been there, but once you talk to someone it can help you greatly.

    S.E.A - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi S.E.A,

      Thanks for your comment. I understand that the two recent adverts highlight women as victims, but you are correct, there can be male victims and female perpetrators of both domestic abuse and sexual violence.

      There are some really helpful services out there that can guide and support male victims of both of these crimes, the Men's Advice Line, 0808 801 0327, offers advice and support for men experiencing domestic abuse, their website is www.mensadviceline.org.uk. Survivors UK offers a service for men who have experienced sexual assault and rape, 0845 122 1201, their website is www.survivorsuk.org.

      Thanks for your comment,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 02/02/2014

  • Lauren

    01/02/2014

    Hi my name is Lauren I was in relationship 3 years ago when my ex tried forcing me in to it I felt like I couldant say no but lucky that he did not get inside me cause I was not in that mood does that mean anything?

    Lauren - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lauren,

      Thanks for getting in touch. I'm really glad that you are out of the relationship now, it must have been really horrible for you.

      Nobody has the right to pressure you in to doing something you don't want to do, and if somebody is pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts on them then this is technically rape.

      It is your body, and you can do what you like, but it is also your right to say no when you don't want something, and if somebody wants to have sex with you then you do have to physically say yes to them for it to be consensual.

      It is really important that you may say yes because you feel under pressure, but if you have sex with someone because they pressure you, or nag you, or you feel bullied in to it in any way then that is not ok, and it is considered sexual assault or rape.

      I'm glad you're no longer in the relationship anymore, but if you wanted to talk to us about it then we are running private live chats Monday to Friday, 5pm until 7pm. There is also a lot of information on the Rape Crisis website about consent, www.rapecrisis.org.uk.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 02/02/2014

  • Charley

    01/02/2014

    I liked an older boy and he knew that and abused my trust and raped me I told my mum and dad and the police but I'm scared and really worried everyday still

    Charley - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Charley,

      I'm really sorry to hear about your experience, it must have been awful for you. It is never acceptable to force something in to doing something they don't want to do.

      I'm really glad that you told your parents and the Police, it is really helpful to have someone to support you through this, and it is so important that these incidents are reported to the Police so that people can be held accountable for their actions. The Police could also help you with keeping safe.

      There are some services out there that might be able to advise you on feeling safer, as well as putting you in contact with some groups or therapy services that might be able to help. You can contact Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 01/02/2014

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Results: 435 - 450 of 2196

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