HAVE YOUR SAY
Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships
If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board.
The chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.
Seen the ads? What do you think?
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Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?
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Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?
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Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you've got something to say about abuse in relationships then you'll need to accept our terms before you can take part - please see our rules on the right side of the page. You can then enter your comments below or under any video you want to talk about.
alias
13/12/2012
There is nowhere for people to go when they have been raped, which is open 24x7 and the police dont want to upset their crime stats and shove it all under the carpet
alias - 13/12/2012
ReplyAnastasia
12/12/2012
PLEASE STOP THIS COMMERCIAL,IT REMINDS ME OF WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.
He is a drugs gangster ,he was out early on probation and he is still a free man.
Don't understand why they let him go
Anastasia - 12/12/2012
ReplyHi Anastasia,
Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.
Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.
Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.
The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.
We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.
Anonymous
12/12/2012
there have someone who can love me honestly.
Anonymous - 12/12/2012
ReplyAnonymous
12/12/2012
Hi, im in my very early teens and im in a great relationship. I have a really loving boyfriend who isnt much older than me.
We talk all the time and hang out alot, but when we hang out, it turns into kissing, and touching and non- teenagery things. I dont object to this because i love him but we have done some things that even my friends who are 16/17 havent done.
Is this normal because generally we are both really shy people. Im not saying i regret anything because i dont, but i just want to know wether its normal.
Anonymous - 12/12/2012
ReplyHi Anonymous,
Thanks for writing to us. You're smart to want to wait and take time to reflect on what you're going through together, rather than rushing to do something you both regret.
There's no hurry here, and it's a common myth that “everyone is doing it”. In fact, the average age for having sex for the first time is 16, and many people prefer to wait until they’re older.
Sexual relationships come with risks, such as unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, and you always have the right to withhold consent. If your boyfriend cares for you he will understand why you want to wait. If you are under 16, it’s against the law for you to have sex.
If your boyfriend is older than 16 he could be charged with rape if you enter into a sexual relationship with him.
Anonymous1
11/12/2012
My girlfriend is really loving towards me but it is expected because I am a guy that I say yes to anything sexual and that if I said no then something must be wrong or up with me.
Sexist I know just the way it is, so I dunno whether to say no or yes to doing any sexual acts what do you suggest I do? have a think about it? I just feel like I am being forced into thinking that I should do it as well although inside I'm not too sure.
Anonymous1 - 11/12/2012
ReplyHI Anonymous1
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.
Sss
11/12/2012
I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. The first year was perfect until I stupidly gave my number to a man at the gym, I guess i did it because it was attention and nothing more.
My BF found out and slapped me for the first time but i forgave him because i did something wrong. Since then he has never trusted me. The violence increased, he has pulled my hair, punched me, thrown my phone at me, wacked my head onto surfaces, hit me with objects, pinched me, kicked me... everything basically.
He has even ripped my trousers down the side whilst on a bus in daylight because he did not like them. He takes my car keys and forces me to swap seats and drives erratically whilst hitting me at the same time.
Once we were in my car he was beating me up for ages and then wanted to have sex i said no, he then started trying to rip my skirt off me. He eventually stopped and nothing happened thankfully. This was one occasion and i don't feel he intened to do anything other than scare me.
We argue all the time and her verbally abuses me too, he even says vile things about my family even my dead dad. He gets angry really easily and when he does i'm scared. He humiliates me in public by shouting at me and calling me a slag on a daily basis.
He controls who i can talk to, he doesn't allow me to use social networking sites, i'm scared to ask him if i can go out with friends. He checks my phone and hates it when i text my friends whilst i'm with him. He wants me to quit my weekend job as guys work there, and he does not support me going to university. He can do what he likes when he likes he says.
I'm not innocent myself, about a year ago i started to fight back because i'd had enough so when he hits me i hit back, the beatings don't last as long this way. But i don't always fight back beacuse i give up, before this i have never been hit or hit anyone else, i feel soo bad for my actions. He always tells me i wont do it again and that he is sorry...
I have never cheated on him and never will, but i have court him txting other girls which he denies and flirting with them, and yet i am the one who gets accused.
I go to a great University and pretend to everyone around me that I'm happy. I do love him but not his anger problems. His dad was violent so i guess it's learnt behaviour. It all feels normal to me now, the only thing that really gets to me is when he calls my mum names.... I wouldn't want to find out what he'd do to me if i swore at his mum.
We are going to marry each other after i graduate, i feel like lifes going to sad but in a way i feel like it will be punishment for me for all the sinful things i have done so i have to shut up and carry on.
Do you think with help he can change and i can be a better girfriend?
Sss - 11/12/2012
ReplyHi Sss,
Thanks for your message, we're glad you shared your story. A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves.
However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, your boyfriend, not with you. This can be hard to get your head around, as can still loving him, despite the way he continues to treat you.
Many people in unhealthy relationships are torn between loving a person and hating their behaviour. Just because the abuse has gone on for a long time, does not mean you are complicit in this.
The solution is not to become a better girlfriend - nothing you could have done warrants the treatment you are receiving. Please understand, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. Fighting back against him was instinctive, it does not merit any form of punishment.
Your boyfriend's behaviour may be a consequence of his childhood, but it is still unacceptable and dangerous. Violence and intimidation can have no part in a relationship, let alone a marriage. If he is using these as ways to make you compliant while you are only boyfriend and girlfriend, this is a very serious warning sign. Your own safety must become your first priority.
There are many reasons why people don't feel they can leave. Fear is a huge one, also uncertainty about what to do/who can help. Some people may not realise that they are being abused and not even be looking for help. A big factor in not leaving can simply be love. Love is such a powerful emotion it can over rule anything else.
If you are still in contact with this person, i would urge you to think about completing a safety plan like this:
http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keep...ationship.html
Please take care and stay safe.
kirst
11/12/2012
My ex boyfriend, pressured me into sex. he kept forcing the situation so i gave in it happened and i didnt feel as if it was right. then everytime i went to his house its all he expected and id say no yet hed practically force himself on me.
I`m 16 & he is 19i havent told my mum but i want to. Its been 5months and its eating me up inside im just scared of her reaction how can i get the confidence up to tell her?
kirst - 11/12/2012
ReplyHi kirst,
Thank you for posting.
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.
Anonymous
10/12/2012
I didn't want to have sex but my boyfriend did so i let him. I didn't try to stop him but he held me wrists so i couldn't move if i had tried. Then he dumped me, straight after.
Anonymous - 10/12/2012
ReplyHello Anonymous,
Thank you for your message.
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.
Heulwen
10/12/2012
Reading all these cases of abuse is horrendous.
I'm 18 later on this month. In March/April time earlier this year I was very upset, got very drunk and as a result of that combination kissed a couple of lads that I really shouldn't have. This, along with a couple of other events, triggered off a flashback just a few weeks later. This flashback was of an incident of sexual abuse - not rape though - performed by my uncle to me... Before this flashback, I had absolutely no idea that this had happened to me.
As a child I had suffered from night terrors and various other small things like that. However, my mother just put it down to stress caused by court cases that were happening with my father at the time. She had no idea that her brother was a pedophile; she had no idea that he was capable of such an evil act.
Just a few days after the flashback, I told my best friend who told me I needed to tell my mum and step dad. It was so difficult, because I knew that I was hurting them; especially my mum who was abused as a child for 10 years.
Telling my friends and family was the best thing I could have done. I am now seeing a counselor at my college. My counselor is absolutely brilliant. Although it's so so so hard, the coping methods and the knowledge that I am sorting myself out for my future is worth it.
I know that childhood and adult sexual abuse of any form is a delicate subject... But I 100% believe that people should be more open about it. I've told a fair few people; not because I'm looking for sympathy, but because I know that having those pockets of support will help me, and by telling other people I am spreading awareness of such a taboo subject.
If your house is burgled, are you ashamed to speak about it? No. If you were mugged, are you ashamed to speak about it? No. If you were beaten up, would you be ashamed to speak about it? No. Then why should people be ashamed to speak of sexual abuse?
The more people who are aware of pedophilia, the less likely that those disgusting people can get away with it, and the more chance that people who have been effected will speak up.
Sorry for the essay :P
Heulwen - 10/12/2012
ReplyAdelle
10/12/2012
I was in a relationship about a year ago and my boyfriend was lovely the majority of our relationship but about 6 months in i was at his house and fell asleep when we were watching movies as i often did and when i woke up he was 'doing things' to me.
I didn't know what to do as i was completely mortified, i pretended i was still asleep and then pretended to start waking up, he quickly stopped what he was doing and i didn't say anything and he didn't know that i knew.
A couple of weeks passed and everything was fine but then i was at his house again and i fell asleep, i woke up and he was doing it again, i didn't know what to do, so i said nothing and pretended i was still asleep, once it was safe for me to 'wake up' i made my excuses and left, i broke up with him shortly after and a couple of weeks later we were having an argument and i brought it up.
He hadn't realized i'd known about it and he was really apologetic, after we talked a bit he admitted he'd being doing it for a while. It wasn't as if we hadn't had a sexual relationship as normal, that we had both agreed to, but i felt absolutely disgusting.
He maintains that it never went further than we did when we were together, but i have no way of knowing how much he did, is this abuse?
Adelle - 10/12/2012
ReplyHi Adelle
It does not matter if you are in a relationship with someone or if they are a stranger. When someone makes you do something you do not want to do, it means you are not consenting and it is abuse.
It also does not matter if you start out by saying yes and then change your mind, or if you feel like you have 'given in'. It is also never OK to make someone feel bad if they don't want to have sex as this is a form of emotional abuse.
You can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
D
10/12/2012
Me and my girlfriend broke up a few days ago.. And she decided to let off some steam by going to a party with a few girlfriends and a few lads.. It was a lad who hosted the party who thought it would be a good idea to get them all drunk and "play dares".. Anyway the dares carried on and it started to get more "daring".. the undressing of clothes (as she tells me)... But she tried getting dressed but was just undressed again.. Anyway 10 minutes later im told by her that she was "play wrestling" with the host of said party.. Im wary of this.. Yet, shes never done anything like this before when we've been apart.. basically the host of said party decided to take advantage of her and proceed in having sexual intercourse with her against her consent.. After being told (as she said) 5 times to stop he eventually did.. And she jumped up saying shes completely sorry and feels guilty as she felt she has cheated on me.. I have taken her back and comforted her about the situation, i personally haven't confronted the guy on any levels even though i know who he is. I was wondering if i could potentially take this further because i honestly want to see him behind bars.
D - 10/12/2012
ReplyHi D,
Thanks for your message.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when someone doesn’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Speak to your friend and help them understand that this was not their fault and there was nothing they could have done to prevent this.
You should encourage your friend to call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about the problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
Rachita
10/12/2012
i am a 15 year old female and i need help
i have been in a relationship with a 17 year old for 2 weeks now, but yesterday he raped me.
i said i wanted to have sex, but after i decided i didn't. i feel as though he was being racist too.
Rachita - 10/12/2012
ReplyHi Rachita,
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If this has happened to you, try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
Anonymous
10/12/2012
i am a 19 year old female and have had this happen too me quite a few time by different people either supposed friends and ex boyfriends.
i just want to put it out there and i no that it is good to aware people of rape ect but i find it extremely difficult to what tv when your ad comes on.
i get so emotional i have to leave the room and i get really upset when i see these adverts. Have your company ever thought about the people who have been a victim to this act and there feelings ? I am not trying to say you must change these i am just wounding if you are aware of how people feel and how these adverts affect people ?
Dont get me wrong the websites as so help full and i thank everyone for there help its just i feel like i cant watch any adverts any more
Anonymous - 10/12/2012
ReplyHi Anonymous,
Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.
Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.
Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.
The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.
We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.
Clare
09/12/2012
about 10 years ago when i was about 7-9 i was on holiday at my grandparents house in Germany, when we made friends with a family who lived nearby, The boy was a couple of years older than me, and i got close to him, because he wasn't one of my little brothers or sisters, or one of my younger cousins. he used to play with us, and he would make sure i wouldn't be the servant when we played pirates
My grandparents have a big garden and there was a hammock quite far away. together we would go there and play. one day i wanted to play a game, but he said no. he said we could play the game i wanted to play if i played a game with him called sex. he told me that i wasn't allowed to tell anyone about the game because it was a secret, a request that i obeyed until recently.
That summer i spent a couple of days in hospital, and when i got back and wanted to get back to normality, i was greeted with the response that we should have sex because we hadn't had sex in such a long time. (about 4 days)
I always put it to the back of my mind and regarded it as just a game, but about 2 weeks ago a friend asked me why i wouldn't get close to any of the boys in our year and i told her. it was the first time id told someone and she said it was wrong. since then i've been really confused and trying to work out what it was. i googled the German rape laws, but it seems that because i didn't fight back they wont regard "it "as what im starting to believe "it" was. i was so young i had no idea what sex was. The first time it happened was the first time i found out what sex was.
i know the "game" wasn't as horrific as what many others will have experienced, but im trying to work out how to sort this out, especially as last year i saw him hanging around my little sister. Do i need to sort this out in Germany or here in UK???? is it possible to fix this since it happened so long ago and we were both minors???
what was it that happened??
Clare - 09/12/2012
ReplyHi Clare,
Thanks for sharing your story.
We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity under the guise of a children's game is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
Try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
If you have been sexually assaulted, you can also speak to the police. They are best placed to advise you on the legal processes here and in Germany and how to proceed. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.
jennifer
09/12/2012
In 1975 I was raped at age 11 by my sister's 21 year old boyfriend. He put his hands around my neck & said ''If you tell anyone I'll kill you '' That's why I told no-one. He has got away with this for 37 years. I cannot believe i am his only victim in all these years.
Also, he has young grandchildren and I am very worried about their safety. What shall i do about this ? How can i get justice & ensure he is not abusing his grandchildren or any other children ?? please help !
jennifer - 09/12/2012
ReplyHi Jennifer,
We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you are ready to come forward and confront what happened. You should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a another relative, a close friend, or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
There are many specialist support services available for adults. If you’re looking for support or advice you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) or log-on to Women's Aid's Survivors' Message board:
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080021§ionTitle=Survivors+Forum.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
The police will be best placed to advise on your concerns about the grandchildren. Most police forces also have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you for posting about your past traumatic experience.
The campaign is aimed at 13-18 year olds but there are many specialist support services available for adults.
If you’re looking for support or advice you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) or log-on to Women's Aid's Survivors' Message board: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080021§ionTitle=Survivors+Forum