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This is ABUSE

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Results: 435 - 450 of 2103

  • Verity


    I was in a year long relationship and like many others I couldn't see that it was an abusive one. others around me like my mum tried to warn me that is was obsession and not love but i chose not to listen as at the time i thought i loved him.
    At the start everything went well but he started to become more and more strict on who I saw and tried to stop me going out with friends and would have lots of mood swings - one day he worshipped the ground I walked on and the next he was paranoid i was about to leave him and would cry and beg for me to stay. Mind games and guilt tripping was common. When it came to choosing unis to go to, all of his choices were very close to mine so he could keep an eye on me and this was when i finally decided i had to leave him.
    it wasn't until we had split and i began a new relationship that i realised how close he had been to breaking my spirit and what an abnormal relationship we had had.
    Thankfully my new boyfriend and parents are helping the old me to return. I just want to say to anyone reading this, don't stand for emotional abuse as eventually your partner will take over your life and try to control you. Obsession is not love.
    Thank you

    Verity - 20/01/2014

  • ben


    Hi, I'm looking for advice. I've been cheated on twice in the past and unfortunately have trust issues and yes...i check my girlfriend's emails and sometimes her phone because of it. I knew it was wrong but it made me feel better but now knowing that it is abuse i want to stop. Does anyone have any tips/advice for me?

    Deep down i know she wouldn't do anything, just my fear gets the better of me sometimes.

    ben - 20/01/2014

    • Dear Ben,

      I’m really pleased you got in touch.

      It’s really good that you have recognised that what you were doing wasn’t okay. You said that checking your girlfriends emails and messages made you feel better, but this usually doesn’t last very long and can be destructive of the relationship that you are worried about loosing in the first place.

      It sounds as though you do trust the girlfriend you are with now which is great. If you wanted to get some help with overcoming your insecurity you could speak with a counsellor.

      Best Wishes,


      This is Abuse team 20/01/2014

  • Dan


    My girlfriend threatens to tell my parents about my recreational drug use, is this a form of abuse ? I obviously know the risks of my use but it doesn't affect our relationship in any other way than he using it as leverage. If this is abuse how do i counter it ? Im finding it hard to say what i need to without her dismissing what i say as due to my drug use.

    Dan - 20/01/2014

    • Dear Dan,

      Thank you for your post. My immediate concern is that you are dismissing your girlfriend’s worries about your use of drugs. Is it possible that she is worried about your health and wellbeing? You say that you know it does not affect your relationship in any other way, however, it does seem that it is a problem for your girlfriend.

      The use of any illicit drug is illegal. There is some useful advice available here or you can contact your local drug and alcohol service.

      If there are things that you would like to talk about with your girlfriend that you are worried she will dismiss, it may be best to choose a time when you are not under the influence of any substances to have this conversation.

      I hope you are able to have a meaningful conversation with your girlfriend about what’s happening.

      Take Care,


      This is Abuse team 20/01/2014

  • Kelly


    I have been in the same relationship for 6 years which started when I was 15, my partner then kind of isolated me from my friends making it feel like it was my decision to not be friends with them. A few years into our relationship, he asked me to move in with him but further away from home (family reasons) and I said yes, even though I gave up everything. Moving to a new place where I didn't know anyone, he was my only friend. Then I started work and finally I've got some friends who invite me out, I have to ask him if it's ok for me to go out and tell him where I'm going and what time I think I'll be back but when he goes out, it's ok for him to return at 4 in the morning and I can't stay out later then 12. He calls the people I work with scum and sorts so that maybe I won't hang out with them. He has to know whose texting me and what's it about- but I got him to stop asking so much after an argument about it. He calls me a tramp when I burp even though I say excuse me straight away. He makes me feel bad and guilty about certain things and sometimes when I'm walking to work I start to have bad thoughts about myself and about something happening and I don't know if that's because he has deep down conditioned my thoughts that way.
    I never really thought this was abuse until I started seeing the adverts for this and realised a lot of them are how my relationship is, but I don't know what to do about it...

    Kelly - 19/01/2014

    • Hi Kelly
      Thanks for your message. I am sorry to hear about the abuse you have been experiencing, but it is good that you are now looking for support. It can be really hard to recognise abuse in our own relationships, especially when the other person is controlling you.

      I am concerned that you say you are having bad thoughts about yourself? Can you tell me a bit more about that? I am sure that this is linked to the years of abuse you have been through as this can have a huge impact on self-esteem and confidence.

      I think it is important that you talk to someone about this - could you talk to anyone at work?
      You can ring the national domestic abuse helpline on 0800 2000 247 - they are open 24 hours a day. They can give you advice and tell you about local services. Also, you can just google the area that you live in and 'domestic violence services' and it should tell you what is nearby. There should be a women's aid outreach service that you can go to.

      Please don't try and cope with this alone, there are lots of people who can support you no matter what you decide to do, and if you want to leave him, they can help you to do that safely.
      We also have a live chat every mon-fri from 5-7 pm if you want to talk to us more,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2014

  • Dawn


    My boyfriend has always liked sex but .......he wants lt everyday.He talks about sex all of the time.I give into him but I tell him I don't want sex all of the time but he doesn't listen and does it any way.I have told him how it makes me feel worth less and I get upset but he doesn't take any notice or he leaves me alone for a week then it goes back to him wanting sex every day.He can't even kiss or cuddle without him waning sex, I tell him to leave but he won't.I have told him it is rape if I say no to sex or I don't want sex but he says don,t be stupid,I really need some advice.

    Dawn - 19/01/2014

    • Hi Dawn

      Thank you for your message.
      You are right when you tell your boyfriend that it is rape if he forces you to have sex when you say no, or when you don't want to.
      Does anyone else know what has been happening? It is important that you are not trying to cope with this alone.

      I think the best thing for you to do is to contact Rape Crisis - they are brilliant and will be able to listen and give you advice and support -
      0808 802 9999 helpline - open between 12 - 2.30pm
      / 7 - 9.30pm

      I know it may feel scary talking about this, but it will help to keep you safe and will make you feel better. You have taken a big step talking to us, and if you want to talk more we have a live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm.

      take care

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2014

  • Paul


    Hi, feeling pretty rough. Why is it that everything appears to be in the favour of a partner who goes off with someone else. As a man, it seems that there is no recognition of the damage, emotionally and physically that a women who is cheating. I suppose this applys both ways, whether a man or women,It would appear that the law protects the one who has been unfaithful. I was one the receiving end of a set of circumstances that has hurt more than I can describe. Would have been easier to deal with if the actions were not so deceitful. The fact that I wanted to have my say to our family and friends, "due to circumstances which some may understand the family and friends were only my partners who I was introduced to and became my family and friends" looks like will end up with a harassment charge against me. But what about the emotional, and physical damage this has done to me. I have heard it said, "Just Walk Away" which is great advice, but how does that help the mental anguish you are suffering from. It seems to me that the opinion of most is that if you retaliate (not violently) but even in words, people think it is you that is wrong and run to support the one who committed the original "crime" Why is it that we think that someone cheating is not to blame and is protected against any consequences, and that if the one Hurt; reacts even in words and explanation is guilty of harassment. I am not perfect by any means, but even by the words of the family and friends to me, I was a good person, ok now because I have spoken my mind I am the bad guy. I have read some things about emotional and sexual harassment but I can guess that would me much harder to prove that someone reporting that you have contacted family and friends notifying them of what has happened. Even this has started me crying, wish I was not a man.......

    Paul - 19/01/2014

    • Hi Paul,

      Thanks for getting back in touch. Unfortunately, from what you have said in your last two posts there seems to be very little that you have said that would suggest that there is abuse taking place.

      I understand that it can be really difficult to find out that a partner has been cheating, however this alone does not constitute abuse. It would not constitute abuse for your partner to refuse to have sex with you, and you have not evidenced that she was having sex with another person.

      I appreciate that there are less services for men who are experiencing violence and abuse the legal support for victims works in the same way for men as it does for women. If you are constantly trying to attempt your ex-partner for any reason, because you want answers to questions, you want possessions back, you feel you deserve an explanation this will be seen as harassment and she is entitled to take out a Non-Molestation Order or obtain a harassment warning.

      There are services out there that will listen to you and talk through what has taken place. You can contact the Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327, or you can talk with one of the This Is Abuse Team Monday-Friday 5pm-7pm on our live chat. I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to a professional around why you feel there was abuse and how you can move forward from your current situation.

      I want to highlight that none of this makes you less of a man, and we are very aware that men experience violence. However, from what you have said your ex-partner feels you are harassing her, and nobody should have to feel like this, so I think it would be helpful to look at how you can progress.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 21/01/2014

    • Thanks for the reply Brian, I think the point I was trying to get across is that as a man you have far less options available to you for help, and that while you wish for help being a man you are reluctant to speak out because you believe that no one will listen... perception. While there is no law stopping someone leaving another, there is the morality of treating people with decency and respect, there are laws about emotional harassment and sexual harassment, but it appears that these are tailored to women not men, some one cheating but carrying in a relationship putting emotional pressure on you lying by saying they cannot have sex with you because they don't feel good about them self and they have sexual hangups, but at the same time they are with someone else, is extreme emotional torture...the list goes on, and when you have found this out and you want to speak to the family and friends you have made, for some support, it is seen as bad because they are her family friends, unfortunately for me I moved to an area left all friends behind with distance being a problem, I spent so much time running around between work, diy for her taking her out, all things she would pressure me into with various words and actions that made me feel that if I didn't she would be annoyed or upset with me, even trying to describe these things makes me feel like, hey I'm a man just man up, but the other side it makes me feel devestated in so much pain, and suicidal its like the saying institutional you have got so used to doing everything for someone trying to keep them happy, then they take that walking stick away in such a hurtful manner you loose everything about you as a person

      paul - 20/01/2014

    • Dear Paul,

      Thanks for your post. I am sorry that you are finding things so painful at the moment.

      For most of us, the end of a relationship is painful and even more so when the other person has decided to be with someone else. I’m not sure what you mean by the law protecting the person who is unfaithful. Your ex-partner ending the relationship or starting a new one, no matter how painful, is not a criminal offence.

      Even when we are hurt we are responsible for the way we react and our behaviour. Often, when something like this happens the best thing is to get support from a trusted friend or professional like a counsellor. You ask how walking away can help your anguish, and I don’t think it can, but what you do once you have walked away is really important. You can choose to get help to move on or dwell on how unfair it all feels.

      Take Care Paul.

      Best Wishes,


      This is Abuse team 20/01/2014

  • emily-jayne


    took me a while to realise I was in one of those relationships because there was no violence but I was with this lad for a month and every day he accused me of cheating did not let me spend time with my family and tried pressuring me into things I didn't want to do, things I wasn't ready for, his excuse " if you loved me you would" left him a few week back and tbh it's the best thing i've ever done :)x

    emily-jayne - 19/01/2014

    • Hi
      I am really glad you got in touch and very pleased you are no longer in that abusive relationship. Unfortunately 'if you loved me you would....' is a very common thing for abusers to say to make their victim feel guilty and to try to control them and to get them to do things they don't want to do.
      Well done for being so brave and leaving the relationship. It can take a while to recover from abuse, so make sure you talk to people - this can be friend/family/teacher etc but there are also lots of organisations who can help on our help pages,

      take care

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2014

  • soph


    I was in a relationship for a year & four months from the age of 17-18 & i adored my ex boyfriend. But he was very manipulative & abusive. I had no idea until it was over. My friends warned me that my relationship wasn't healthy. He used to get in fights a lot & was very aggressive towards me & others. He didn't care for me, used to check my phone,Facebook & if i didn't answer my phone he would ring my house phone & my friends. He also stopped me wearing what i wanted, didn't let me go to parties if he couldn't make it. He hit on all of my friends that are girls, he also used to get really drunk & abusive. He also cheated on me & denied it for years. He dumped me over the phone the day i was back from holiday four days before valentines day. My relationship was exactly like the mtv adverts. Those adverts really helped me come to terms with my awful relationship. Now in trying to move on & i know what's a healthy relationship & what isn't.

    soph - 19/01/2014

    • Hi Soph

      Thanks for your message. It sounds like your boyfriend was really abusive and controlling. I am really glad that you have good friends who recognised this and wanted to support you. Sometimes it can be really hard to see abuse in our own relationships - which is why we created this campaign.
      I am really pleased that you are no longer in that relationship and that you are trying to move on.
      It can take a while to recover from the trauma of abuse, so do get support if you need to. Have a look at our help pages if you need some links for who you can talk to.

      Take care

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2014

  • Ellie


    I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now . Everything was great at the start but as the months have gone past things got bad and he started being protective about me going out to parties with my friends and what I wear. He would always pick me up early and that would be the compromise that I could go . Then he started getting annoyed about me seeing friends because he didn't trust them and would constantly tell me how much he hated my friends. One day I decised I was fed up of the relationship and tried to end it, he followed me home in his car and finally got out and ripped my bag out my hand and started screaming in my face to get in the car, I was scared and intimidated by him and punched him in face and tried to run. He grabbed me and kept shouting for me to get in the car. I finally got in the car to then start have him start saying horrible things to me so I punched him again but this time he hit back. This is just one of the fights we've had but recently things have got better but I'm still being controlled and intimidated by him. I find it to hard to leave and feel like I can't turn for help as I may be just as bad for hitting him and saying horrible things too.

    Ellie - 19/01/2014

    • Hi Ellie,

      Thank you for your message. You have been brave to post here and I can assure you that you are not behaving in a way that is ‘just as bad’ and what your boyfriend is doing is abusive. You deserve some support for what is happening in your life.You deserve to to be treated with love and respect by a partner, not be intimidated and abused.

      It sounds like your boyfriend is controlling as well as emotionally and physically abusive and you are frightened of him. While hitting someone is not ok, fighting back to protect yourself does not make you the abusive partner. You say you are finding it hard to leave him and that you don’t feel like you can ask for help, but what is happening is not your fault and you deserve some support.

      Do you have anyone you could talk to about this, friends, family or a trusted adult? I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take. You might also want to look on this website for more information about domestic abuse in relationships.

      You can also come to our live chat if you want to which we run every Mon- Fri from 5-7pm to talk more.

      Take care,

      This is Abuse team 21/01/2014

  • Irma


    Hello, well I just want to share my sad experience.
    I was in a relationship with ten years older guy. In the beginning he was nice and sweet with me, I fall in love with him completely, I was trying to do anything he was asking me to. After some time he starter checking my phone, keep telling me don't talk with this girl or guy, don't go to town. Even if I was going to shop I had to ask his permission and always keep my head down while on the way. He didn't even let me to go and visit my own sister. I didn't had right to say a word in my relationship, but if I say something to him he was getting so aggressive and beating me, and after blaming me that it's my fault he did that...
    I was %100 under his control in every way, day or night.... And the worst part of it, I was so in love with him, I couldn't see that...
    Now I'm trying to get my life back as I finally broke up with him couple of months ago.
    Anyone who's reading this, please be very careful who u sharing ur life with, u never know who peaple can hurt u in every way..
    Thank u.

    Irma - 19/01/2014

    • Hi Irma

      Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear about the abuse that you suffered. It is good to know that you are no longer in that relationship but I just want to check that you are now safe? Have you told anyone what happened? Have you been in touch with any support services? Even though you are no longer with him, it is important to keep safe.

      You can ring the helpline anytime - 0808 2000 247 and there is some safety advice here:

      Take care

      This is Abuse team - 19/01/2014

  • Lauren


    I was a victim of abuse for 2 years and never realised. I got into a relationship when I was 14 with someone 4 years older than me everything started out fine he was nice then things turned. He would constantly check my phone and tell me not to text certain people tell me not to hang around with certain friend and push me away from my family. I had to ask him permission to go anywhere but he went out all the time. I found out he cheated and when I confronted him he went mad with me and made me feel bad for accusing him, and made me make it up to him. He started calling me horrible names like ugly fat told me I needed to lose weight wear more make up and dress more revealing clothes and if I didn't he would find someone better looking. He used to make me send pics of myself and if i didn't want to he said well if you love me you would so I felt I had to. He then started drinking a lot and taking drugs and blamed me for him taking them, he then started to get violent and threaten me and my family and use the fact that I self harm against me and made me feel low. I wanted to get out of the relationship but he said he would kill himself and I loved him too much. Thanks to this website and women's aid I realised it was abuse and finally ended the relationship after 2 years.

    Lauren - 19/01/2014

    • Hi Lauren

      Thank you for sharing your story. We are really pleased that you were able to get the support you needed to leave that very abusive relationship. It is great that this website helped and that women's aid have been supporting you - are they still helping you? I just want to make sure that you feel safe now? You can ring the national helpline anytime if you need more advice - 0808 2000 247,

      take care and good luck for the future,

      This is Abuse team - 19/01/2014

  • Laur


    hi im 13 and i think im in an abusive relationship because my bf (who is 14) keeps asking me to do things and other stuff like
    One time i went over his house and his parents were out for the day and well we ended up kissing and hugging like we do but then he put his hand up the back of my shirt and undid my bra. i said stop but he pulled it off then he started feeling .......and I just let him because i didnt know what to do
    i haven't told anyone because he says he'll tell people if I do and now he makes me do things with him every weekend what do I do

    Laur - 19/01/2014

    • Hi Laur
      I am really glad you got in touch, what your boyfriend is doing is very abusive and very serious. I understand why you are upset and scared.

      As you are 13, you are too young to be able to consent to sex and so by forcing you, he is breaking the law. The most important thing now is keeping you safe.

      Have you been able to tell anyone about this? I know it is scary, and he has told you not to tell anyone but it is important that people know so that they can help you and make this stop.

      Would you be able to tell an adult? Perhaps someone in your family or someone at school (a teacher, school nurse etc)? They will be able to help. It is very important that you do not try and deal with this alone.

      You can also ring childline on 0800 1111 to speak to someone about this. They will listen and help you, and will not judge you, none of this is your fault and you are being really brave in reaching out for help.

      If you want to talk to us more, we have a live chat session every mon-fri from 5-7pm, we can talk this through together.

      I hope this helps Laur, please do talk to someone, you do not have to cope on your own,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2014

  • natalie


    am in a 2 year relationship and for the past 8 months my boyfriend has become very quick to anger. He will call me names when he is angry and will blame me for everything that goes wrong in his life. I will try to leave and he will charm me and be amazing for a few days, then instantly he will switch and it will be him reducing me to tears. He tells me everyone hates me and thinks I am a rubbish person basically. I am questioned about everything but yet if I ask him anything he snaps at me and says I am posessive and suffocating him. He will let me sit there crying my eyes out and will say nothing then will leave and go to the pub. He drinks a lot. I recently tried to commit suicide and now when he is mad he will laugh at me and say things like " what will the attention seeking be tonight. Pills? A knife? ". I love him and feel like I can make this work. Perhaps it is my fault as I am often in tears and must be a horrible person to be around and deal with

    natalie - 19/01/2014

    • Hi Natalie, thanks for you comment. The behaviour of you partner is not your fault. I'm really concerned to hear that you have recently tried to commit suicide. The is a really good site that called Papyrus that can offer a lot of information. You can contact them on
      0800 068 41 41 or via email
      SMS: 07786 209697.

      It sounds as though your boyfriend is being very emotionally abusive towards you and it is understandable that you are feeling this way. Have you spoken to anyone about this? It might be helpful for you to speak to someone, you could contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 who would be able to give you advice and inform you of local services. We also have live chat available from Monday - Friday 5-7pm.

      Take care Sarah

      This is Abuse team - 19/01/2014

  • Courtney


    It is not always men who abuse. Yes it is more common, but not always. I think Mtv should do a male abuse advert, as it may seem unreasonable that a girl could abuse a boy, my close friend went through it with his girlfriend and would want the subject enlightened

    Courtney - 18/01/2014

    • Hi Courtney,

      Thanks for getting in touch. We do acknowledge that men can experience domestic abuse, and although this campaign is focusing on men abusing women we are taking in to consideration feedback for future campaigns.

      If your friend would like some information or support around experiencing abuse then he can contact the Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 19/01/2014

  • Joe Oswell


    Look. EVERY advert on this site features the abuse of women by men. This is the context in which the majority of people picture domestic abuse. They see the Male as the perpetrator and the Female as the victim.

    This sort of attitude ignores up to half of all abuse suffered in the world.

    The problem is that this site doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that at least some abuse negatively affects men. In doing so, it leaves every single male who has ever suffered abuse at a loss as to what to do. It fosters the idea in many young men that they can't have actually been abused, because only women suffer from domestic abuse.

    This attitude leaves up to half of all domestic abuse victims tilting in the wind. Male victims of abuse, just as female victims do, often believe that they aren't suffering from an abusive relationship, or that they deserve the abuse. If you don't reach out to them, they will never realise.

    We shouldn't let this stay this way, it's a really bad issue.

    I believe that this resource is incredibly helpful to those females who have suffered abuse. But the lack of help for males is frankly astounding.

    Please, please consider how you address, if at all, the abuse of males.

    Joe Oswell - 18/01/2014

    • Hi Joe,

      Thank you very much for your comment. As it has been highlighted throughout this campaign, we do acknowledge that men experience domestic abuse from female and male partners. We have chosen to highlight females as victims in this campaign but are taking in to consideration feedback around the campaign appearing sexist.

      With regards to your comment around there being no acknowledgement to male victims at all I will have to disagree. There have been many men who have left comments on their experiences of violence or abuse from their partners and they have been treated in exactly the same way as female victims coming forward. They have been signposted to appropriate services and given information on their rights and options.

      It's really helpful to receive feedback on the campaign and all feedback will be relayed to the Home Office.

      If you feel that you would like to talk to a professional around experiencing violence or abuse then please do contact the Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327, a helpline dedicated to offering support for male victims of domestic abuse.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 19/01/2014

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