This is ABUSE

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YOUR QUESTIONS

Worried about abuse in your relationship?

Young people have asked questions about abuse within their relationships, they may have been through something similar to you and the responses may help give you advice on your own relationship.

If you have any questions about abuse, or you are in an abusive relationship, or you just want to talk to someone, there are specialist organisations that can help you. Visit the Need Help section and you can contact people who can give you help and support.

Watch these videos to spot the signs of abuse within relationships

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Results: 30 - 45 of 2291

  • Gb

    08/04/2015

    I posted a little while ago about my relationship, things were ok for a little while. Then he got angry with me again and it only ended in me being hurt. A part of me knows that I should leave, but their is something that is keeping me with him, I can't figure out what, it's literally just something and I don't know it, when we argue and he gets angry and hurts me he says it's all my fault he has to do that and that I shouldn't go on about things because it leads him to do that. This only brings me to feel horrible about myself, how can I end up making him do that to me. His mum found out a few months a go we had a huge argument and he got violent, it happened a few times since and she'll text him asking what's going on and to get out, she doesn't do anything otherwise. But he keeps me at his and only gets more angry and hurts me if I try to leave to go home. IVe been so badly bruised that I couldn't go and have dinner because my bruises were so obvious, I get so many questions and have to make constant excuses. I don't know what to do, I want to stay with him, as I said a part of me keeps me with him and I feel I couldn't leave him but I don't know what it is. But I know this isn't right even though in some ways it seems normal.
    Please help me

    Gb Gb - 08/04/2015

    Reply
    • Hi, thanks for getting in touch, I’m really sorry to hear about what’s happened to you. Please understand that it’s not your fault and you aren’t to blame for your partner’s behaviour. Physical abuse is totally unacceptable and I would encourage you to speak to someone about what’s happening. I’m not sure how old you are from your message but if you are under 18 you can get help and advice by calling Childline on 0800 1111, they will listen and give you advice on what’s happening within your relationship. Or you can visit their website www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email or text or chat to a counsellor online. If you are over 18, you can call the National Freephone Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. I really hope you access some help, nobody deserves to be treated like this.

      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 10/04/2015

  • Sandra

    07/04/2015

    hi I with my partner and every night he wants sex
    I don't want sex sometimes I have sex with him
    To keep the peace now he saying if I don't have
    Sex with him he leave
    I get to the stage now where I give him sex to
    Keep the peace but while having sex im crying
    Can anyone advise me please

    Sandra Sandra - 07/04/2015

    Reply
    • Hi, Sandra thanks for getting in touch, I’m really sorry to hear about what’s happening to you. If you are being forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, even if you are in a relationship with that person. I would encourage you to talk to someone about what’s happening and you can call the 24 hour national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to provide advice and support for you. There is also information on the women’s aid website which you may find useful www.womensaid.org.uk. I really hope you access some help, nobody deserves to be treated like this.

      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 10/04/2015

  • amanda woods

    06/04/2015

    Is it acceptable for an adult male family member to grab a 16 year old boy, also a family member by the throat and pin against a wall as a form of discipline?

    amanda woods amanda woods - 06/04/2015

    Reply
    • Dear Amanda
      Physical abuse is never acceptable. If you are concerned that a child may be at risk you can contact the NSPCC for advice and support on 0808 800 5000, or email help@nspcc.org.uk

      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 10/04/2015

  • Anonymous

    05/04/2015

    My boyfriend and I have been together for about a month and a half now, and probably only started talking properly about 2 and a half months ago. Most of the time he is a really supportive and amazing boyfriend, he is exactly what i want in a boyfriend, but sometimes i find him being kind of controlling, for example, I had a close male friend who he basically made me ignore because he 'had a bad feeling' about him, and now he gets extremely annoyed and upset whenever I talk to this boy (which isn't very often anymore because my boyfriend doesn't like it) and he forces me to tell him every time i do message or talk to any other males, and he always gets very upset about it, saying things like i lied and said i wouldn't talk to anyone (which isn't true), but im a person who doubts myself very easily if someone tells me different, so i end up believing him and he makes me feel so bad and guilty, even though i havn't done anything wrong. He also reads through my facebook conversations and constantly tells me that they sound 'flirty' when they are far from it. He doesn't trust me, and often accuses me of talking to, and messaging boys even though i havn't been. he always wants to be with me, with every free second i have, and if i ever say i dont want to, or even im not allowed to, he makes me feel so guilty about it that i end up finding away to see him. i find he's very good at persuading me that im wrong and he's right. he also likes to tickle me a lot, which is all fine, (he doesnt stop when i ask him to thought which is not cool), but it often turns into him kind of hurting me, he constantly says he's only messing about, and its only things like poking me and flicking me etc. but it still hurts and when i tell him it hurts he says im just being a sook and it doesnt actually hurt. also, ive had one of his ex's say to me to be careful and ive been told by people that he gets very controlling, and i know he gets very jealous, he admits that himself, and he knows what these people have been saying, so he had convinced me that he wasnt controlling, he just gets jealous and wants 'his girl' to be protected and safe, so thats what i believed, but now im not so sure... he also convinced me to stop doing things like church and youth group, because one of my ex's goes, and he doesnt like that, and i dont get to talk to hardly any of my friends now because he doesnt like me on facebook or whatever when im with him, and if im not with him im at work or uni, we also work at the same place which also makes things difficult. he also pulls me up and asks who i was talking to on facebook if im ever online, but he does it because previously i had met up with a friend (who was male, one of my best friends though) for lunch just out of the blue and he didnt know about it, and had been given a guys number and had started tlaking to him, so thats why he doesnt trust me, so i feel like its my own fault that he checks up on all these things and doesnt trust me, its just so hard bevause i feel like i have no friends anymore cos im 'not allowed' to talk to them (even though he constantly says hes not saying i cant talk to them, but getting upset and annoyed and ignoring me when i do talk to them), and getting annoyed when at uni im forced to be in groups with boys because there is majority of boys in my classes...

    at times i know i want to break up with him, but at other times i dont want to... when he is being ok, he is an amazing boyfriend and ive never experienced that before, i want that in a boyfriend and im scared to lose it, i also do like him a lot, and im scared that im going to hurt him if i break up with him, but also, i feel like this might not be the best relationship for me, but i dont want to hurt him and im scared of what he might do

    Anonymous Anonymous - 05/04/2015

    Reply
    • Hi, thanks for getting in touch, I’m really sorry to hear about what’s happening to you. Controlling behaviour, such as telling you who you can see or speak to is a form of abuse and it is wrong and never acceptable. Please understand what’s happening to you is not your fault and you are not responsible for your boyfriend’s behaviour. I’m not sure from your message how old you are but if you are under 18 you can get help and advice by calling Childline on 0800 1111, they will listen and give you advice on what’s happening within your relationship you talk about what happened. Or you can visit their website www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email or text or chat to a counsellor online. If you are over 18, you can call the National Freephone Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 10/04/2015

  • Annoymas

    02/04/2015

    I'm not sure how to go about this really, Basically I'm a mum of 2 and been with my partner for nearly 10 years and it's only recently that this has started to happen basically he's always putting me down making me get stuff for him but it was the other night when I didn't want to have sex with him he slapped me and he never don't this before never he has spat at me because of not giving him wot he wanted but never forced himself on me, he's got such a short fuse though my son was a little bit whiny tonight and he came bursting in the bathroom and just shouted at him I could see the foam happening I don't know wot to do or where to turn I don't want to go to my parents but sometimes I just want to get on a train and just disappear with my children but I don't have my own money and we share a bank account so it's really hard

    Annoymas Annoymas - 02/04/2015

    Reply
    • Hi, thanks for getting in touch, I’m really sorry to hear about what’s happening to you. If you are being forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, even if you are in a relationship with that person. I would encourage you to talk to someone about what’s happening and you can call the 24 hour national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to provide advice and support for you. There is also information on the women’s aid website which you may find useful www.womensaid.org.uk. I really hope you access some help, nobody deserves to be treated like this.

      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 10/04/2015

  • Liv

    01/04/2015

    Ive been with my boyfriend for about 3 months and he says that he loves me and would never hurt me. The other night we was on the sofa and he started to do stuff without asking if i wanted to then i told him no and went to pull his hand out and he wouldnt stop. He looked angry i was scared hes never ever done that before. Is this normal? He gets really annoyed whenever another guy trys to talk to me and accuses me of sleeping with them. Most of the times hes so lovely but im not so sure about him any more. Help?

    Liv Liv - 01/04/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Liv, thanks for getting in touch. Whether you are in a relationship with someone or not they have no right to force themselves on you. It sounds like you were very clear that you did not want this to happen and if you are being forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable. In a healthy relationship both partners treat each other with respect and there is more information on this website about the signs of an abusive relationship.
      http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse
      If you would like to talk to someone about your relationship, or what’s happened with your boyfriend, you can call Childline on 0800 1111, they will listen and give you advice. Or you can visit their website www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email or text or chat to a counsellor online.

      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 10/04/2015

  • Geri James

    01/04/2015

    I was raped at the age of 13 by my father I am now 54 and i am still struggling with it I go to sleep with it and wake up with it live with it 24.7,
    help,
    geri james

    Geri James Geri James - 01/04/2015

    Reply
    • Dear Geri
      Thanks for getting in touch, I’m really sorry to hear about this distressing incident from your past. I think it’s really important that, even though this happened some time ago, that you still speak to someone about it. You can call the national freephone rape crisis helpline on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2:30pm and 7pm – 9:30pm they will be able to provide you with help and support.

      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 10/04/2015

  • lou

    30/03/2015

    Hi my boyfriend has pulled my hair because I didn't do something for him and he threw me outside his house ive tryed to stand up to him when hes been really nasty by slapping him but it makes it worse .The other times he pushed me when I was pregnant also another time he's pushed me holding on to me down the stairs he's punched me in the face smacked my head off a wall punched me in the back of my head and he sometimes forces me to do sexuall things with him I'm so worried and I don't want to be with him but we have kids and he tells me cause I got no family that no one will be there except him I'm really upset and worried .

    lou lou - 30/03/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Lou, thanks for getting in touch, I’m really sorry to hear what you are going through. It is never ok for someone to hurt another person and your boyfriend should not be grabbing you or pushing you, his behaviour is completely unacceptable. Also, if you are being forced or pressured to do something sexually that you don’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, and no one should be putting you in that position even if you are in a relationship with that person. Please understand that what has happened is not your fault and there are people who can help. I would encourage you to speak to someone about what is happening. You can call the 24 hour national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247 and they will be able to provide advice and support for you. There is also information on the women’s aid website which you may find useful www.womensaid.org.uk. I really hope you access some help, nobody deserves to be treated like this.

      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 10/04/2015

  • Lisa

    28/03/2015

    I Feel so trapped and alone. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years, in that time he has lied to me over and over again about silly things. I no longer trust him and find myself checking up on him, this causes massive arguments. I am pregnant and also have 2 other children. When we argue, my boyfriend becomes verbally aggressive, saying things that hurt me and cause me to cry. My crying makes him more annoyed. About 2 months ago he put his hands around my throat , kicked me and then pushed me out of a room. He apologised afterwards and said he was ashamed. Today during an argument he raised his fist at me, whilst screaming in my face, then again he pushed me out of a room. Im worried that his behaviour will get worse and I'm becoming more afraid of him. I have no place to go if I leave him so I have to stay. I have no one to talk to. How do I help him to stop being like this?

    Lisa Lisa - 28/03/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Lisa, thanks for getting in touch, I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. Please understand that his abusive behaviour is not your fault and what he is doing to you is emotionally and physically abusive. I would encourage you to talk to someone about what’s happening, and there are trained specialists who you can talk to if you call 24 hour national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247, they can provide advice and support. I really hope you access some help, nobody deserves to be treated like this.
      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 10/04/2015

  • Hannah

    28/03/2015

    Ive been in a relationship with someone whos 11years older then me for a year and afew months now. At first i was just helping him through depression id never met him socially i just talked to him on facebook when ever he was down and needed somone to talk to, he latched onto me and asked me to be with him and i said no the first couple of times and then he started to say thing like why dont you want to be with me nobody ever does and he said he was going to turn to hurting himself or maybe suicide so I panicked and said id be with him for a week i felt like i had to say i would and then since then ive been scared to end it with him .after the first week i said that thats the week gone and he wouldnt let me leeve he started getting agressive and threatened to hurt himself if i left and told me i was a slut and wanted to leeve because i wanted sex with loads of people so i stayed. He gets angry when ever i cant go round to his house when im at his house an dont want to have sex he will get angry and do it anyway hed also shout at me calling me names thretening that hes going to post naked pictures of me to my friends and on the internet that he made me send to him because he got angry and made me feel worthless if i didnt send them, hes never physically hurt me but is very agressive in sex and wont listen to me when i say no, ive lost all of my friends because he didnt like me going out anywhere without him knowing who i was with and what i was doing, if he felt threatened by my male friends he would accuse me of cheating and he started to get panick attacks and say he was going to comit suicide, after a wile i gave up seeing my friends,going out at all, and i feel trapped and alone and haven't been able to tell family about the problem because if they found out i was with somone so much older then me thed be so dissapointed. And now ive lost all hope and want to leeve him but i dont know what to do an how to do it without everything getting out of hand.

    Hannah Hannah - 28/03/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Hannah, thanks for getting in touch, I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. Please understand that his abusive behaviour is not your fault and what he is doing to you is emotionally and physically abusive. Most of the time people threatening to self harm use this as a method of control, to stop you leaving him. There are lots of services available for you, and I would encourage you to talk to someone about what’s happening. There is a 24 hour national domestic abuse helpline which you can call on 0808 2000 247, they can provide advice on what support is available to help you.
      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 10/04/2015

  • Anonymous

    27/03/2015

    There's hope.
    I was in an abusive relationship and was abused by my ex boyfriend at 14 for a while. I didn't post or talk about it but even just reading it makes you realise your not alone. I was worried people wouldn't believe me or that it was a sign of weakness.
    I've been through 2 stages of counselling and reading other peoples stories to help me feel like I'm not alone. Even though I've never directly spoke about it too anyone its help me overcome my fears of people. I get flashbacks every now and again but I have ways to cope with them now. On this page there are many horrible stories that should never have happened but it's raising awareness and help the abusers to deal with there own issues.
    It may not want to be what you want to hear in a time of difficulty and your not alone. I'm now 18 so its taken time but now I want to help others and just be a young person who can prove things get better. Its not easy but you are not weak, your are not to blame, you are not those things your abusers may have called you. To come here and look for support you are strong, independent and worth so much more.

    Anonymous - 27/03/2015

    Reply
    • Thank you SO much for sharing your story.

      I am so sorry that you went through abuse but really pleased that you have been able to get the support you need.

      You are right, there are lots of very difficult things to read on this site, but it is so important that there is a safe space where people can share their experiences and get support. Even if people don't post I hope that by reading others messages and the advice that we give that they are able to feel less isolated.

      You are not alone and you are totally right, by coming here for support you are being really strong and generally awesome!!

      All of you deserve to be loved and happy and safe and if this site helps a little bit with that then we are really happy.

      Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you all the best for the future,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 31/03/2015

  • Ruth

    24/03/2015

    I met my childhood sweetheart at 16 and been with him since now and Iam nearly 19 we are engaged now since last week after an argument I moved into his house and he doesn't want me to see my friends he says they are slags and I will do the same as them if I go out with them.. He doesn't like my sisters he said there are also always upto no good when there in the clubs! He doesn't like my dad or mum and he kicked off at my dads and made me chose there and then weather I was coming home with him. Or it was over if I didn't pick then. We decided to go away for a week to Spain he said it would help us think about our future. We went he was like the boy I fell in love with then we split up after we came back he said I used him for his money and he didn't want me back he was harassing me with texts and calls and he caused an arguments again but at my mothers so I went back to his because my family kicked me out. Now my family are worried and don't want me with him. He's always face timing me to make sure am at home. He has became very needy after our trip away and keeps saying don't leave me again because I will end up killing my self he has been violent and chucked heavy objects at my head. And kicked me he doesn't want me to start driving he said we can't save for 2 cars. He also takes my wages off me because he said I owe it him because we go out for meals and he takes me shopping. He doesn't understand how he is being controlling. But my father was like this with my mother he says a baby would make our relationship stronger and he hid my pills at one point and said don't worry. Iam just scared I've gone back to him three times now and it's getting harder to leave him each time as he lives with his mum. I don't know what to do. I have turned into a nervous reck! I have been digognosed with Ptsd as something what happend with my childhood I have aniexty and panick attacks and have put on a lot of weight since being with him he also doesn't let me go out only if he is there. He says what's good for one is good for the other. Am so confused upset and don't know what to do!

    Ruth - 24/03/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Ruth, thanks for getting in touch, I’m really sorry to hear what you have been going through. Emotional abuse and physical abuse is unacceptable and it’s not ok for your boyfriend to treat you this way. Please remember that this is not your fault and I would encourage you to talk to someone about what you are going through. There are organisations which can help you, you can call the 24 hour domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247, they will be able to talk through what’s happening and give you advice and support. Or you can visit the women’s aid website who have information and advice which could help you. www.womensaid.org.uk

      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 10/04/2015

  • FedUp

    20/03/2015

    Ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, it all started out fine and it seemed like he was mature and sweet, and he would always say he would take care of me. A few months later it all started goin south. He made me choose between him and my best friend, and because i was so in love with him, i couldnt bare to have my heart broken, so i chose him. Eventually over time i lost all my friends and i was lonely. He would always say i dont make him happy and i had to do what he wishes for him to be happy. I got into university and he didnt want me going, he made me feel like i was nothing and that if i went to uni, he would leave me and have nothing to do with me, i was still under his thumb and didnt go to university. I made friends at college and everytime i would go out with them, he would purposely start a fight. Every week he would start an argument and make me feel like it was my fault, he even beat me up once in a car park. He would send me threats and tell me he would hurt me and kill my family. Time went on and i was diagnosed with cancer, he said he would be there for me through it, but he only made me feel so rubbish! He would swear at me and call me nasty names, telling me i deserved to have cancer and how he wished i would die, all because i was sleeping a lot and he felt he didnt have my attention. Even to this day he accuses me of cheating and doesnt want me doing things that i would want to do. I changed my number and he had a friend who works at a phone shop find my new number and he kept harrassing me, he stilk threatens to kill my family and hurt me anytime i may make him angry. No matter what i feel like i cant escape and he wont let me go, and im scared that he will hurt my family. I started a new job and he has people watch me. Sometimes i just wish i was dead

    FedUp FedUp - 20/03/2015

    Reply
    • Hi, thanks for coming forward to talk about your experiences. It sounds like it has been really scary for you and some of your boyfriend’s behaviours seem really dangerous. Controlling behaviour, such as making you choose between him and your friend is abuse and it is never ok for someone to physically hurt you. I would encourage you to talk to someone about what you have been going through and there are lots of services available which can provide support and advice. You can call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247, or you could contact your local domestic abuse service which may be listed on www.womensaid.org.uk. If you ever feel like you are in immediate danger though you should contact the police. Please remember that this is not your fault, you don’t deserve to be treated in this way and there are people that can help you.
      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 10/04/2015

  • A.R

    19/03/2015

    Me and my ex were just starting to get along again and we got close again. We hugged one day and the next we kissed, and I didnt mind kissing, but then he put his hands down my pants after I had said no several times, I really like him, and he's an amazing friend... I dont think he really knew what he were doing, I dont think he even realises what he has done... but im sascared and ive called off everything with him, im just scared to see him now, I know he wont do it again, im just scared... I have no idea what to say or do.

    A.R - 19/03/2015

    Reply
    • Hi A.R
      Thanks for getting in contact. Whether you are attracted to somebody or not they have no right to force themselves on you. It sounds like you were very clear that you did not want this to happen and told him on several occasions. If you are being forced or pressured into any sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with that is totally unacceptable, and no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and you are not to blame. I would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important to speak up about what you’ve been going through. If you are under 18 you can get help and advice by calling Childline on 0800 1111, they won’t judge you, they will listen and give you advice to help you talk about what happened. Or you can visit their website www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email or text or chat to a counsellor online. If you are over 18, you can call the National Freephone Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      I hope this is helpful.
      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 10/04/2015

  • emily

    17/03/2015

    My boyfriends generally so loving and adores me but there'r points where hes always checking my phone and telling me how worthless i am and how hes the only one who really loves me. I'm scared i'm starting to believe everything he says to me.
    He forces me to send nudes of myself or else he refuses to speak at all but he doesn't show anyone.
    He calls me at night and stays on the line till morning to make sure i'm at home and not sneaking out with someone. I love him but i'm scared for myself

    emily - 17/03/2015

    Reply
    • HI Emily

      I am really glad you got in touch as I am very concerned about you. You say your boyfriend can be loving and adores you, but the way he is treating you is extremely abusive.

      It is never ok to check someone's phone or to put them down. And it is very controlling and abusive to make you stay on the phone all night to check up on where you are. This is not a relationship that is based on trust and respect.

      Also, forcing you to send nude images is also abusive, regardless of him showing them to anyone else or not.

      You deserve to be treated with love and respect and to be trusted. Emotional abuse and control are very serious and never acceptable.

      Here are some tips on staying safe:
      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/

      Only you can decide if you want to stay with him but I am really worried about you and unfortunately he is unlikely to change unless he takes responsibility for his actions and gets professional support to change. This is not your responsibility.
      I promise you that most men are not abusive, and you have done nothing to deserve this.

      Does anyone else know what has been happening? It is a good idea to tell people who can support you like friends and family but also professionals who can help, maybe a doctor, someone at school/college/uni/work and you can call the domestic violence helpline anytime to talk confidentially - 0808 2000 247.

      We have a live chat session on here tonight between 6-7 if you want to talk more.

      You have been really brave in talking about this, so please get the support you need,
      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 31/03/2015

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