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This is ABUSE

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Results: 30 - 45 of 2084

  • anonapus

    06/05/2014

    I recently got a new boyfriend but an old friend who claimed he was in love with me is constantly talking about me, lying about sexual intercourse and other manuvers. although this is indirect it is effecting my life and relationship and causing distress. is this ABUSE?

    anonapus - 06/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi there

      Thanks for your post. We're sorry to hear about what you've been going through.

      This could be emotional abuse - abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence. Signs of this type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you or preventing you from doing certain things.

      We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk in confidence about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

      We hope this helps
      Best wishes

      This Is Abuse team 07/05/2014

  • sasha

    06/05/2014

    hi im a 15 year old girl and im going out with a 17 year old we have been together for around a year now and me and my boyfriend have been through alot together inculding me having an abortion because i had no other option my mum was going to kick me out and when we argue he frequently brings it up. in the past he used to always talk to girls behind my back and when i found his phone with naked pictures on of other girls he hit me and turns the arguement on me he has broken 3 of my phones for no reason when i have left them there over night he rips my clothes i feel like i can never do anything right ive never cheated on him and he knows that but he still doesnt trust me and i dont trust him because of his past despite this he calls me a tramp a slut and a dog and tells me he uses me for sex he has strangelled me before n booted me and he has thrown things at me but afterwards he will always say to me he is sorry he is forever checking my phone and i have to ask him if i can go certain places with certain people and he never wants to loose me i often want to leave him but he tells me that he will come to my house and set it on fire and he will come to college and find me i dont know what to do i love him so much but i feel so down i dont even want to leave my house because i have no confidence

    sasha - 06/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Sasha

      Thanks for your post, we're really sorry to hear about what you've been going through.

      Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.

      Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour. What's more, the law in this country is that you cannot give consent until you are 16 years old and so he could not lawfully have sex with you. None of what has happened is your fault.

      We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      As you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk in confidence about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      We hope this helps and you get the support and advice you deserve.

      Best wishes

      This Is Abuse team 07/05/2014

  • rose

    05/05/2014

    I've never felt so ashamed and confused. I'm 18 and I met this 24 year old man whom at first I thought was nice because he said he wouldnt hurt ne but he wanted me to do things to him even though I said I didn't want to, he wanted me to perform oral sex on him. I said I didn't want to but he forced my head down so I did it. I feel used and taken advantage of. I feel so dirty because this isn't the first time this has happened with other guys. I just feel so ashamed and dirty, it makes me so depressed that I want to end everything.

    rose - 05/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Rose

      Thanks for your post. We're really sorry to hear about what you've been through. It must have taken a lot of courage to write in.

      What’s happened to you is horrific and we are truly sorry to hear how you have suffered. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported. It’s important to understand that what happened was not your fault; there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
      We would urge you to find someone you trust to talk to - a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, it’s really important to speak up about what happened. You have the right to be safe, and help and support is out there.

      As you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline in confidence to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

      You can also speak to the police about the assault. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help – if you’re unsure you might find it helpful to talk to an expert who can tell you more about the process and what to expect before you make the call to the police.

      You can find details of suitable organisations on the Need Help page here - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help.

      Best wishes

      This Is Abuse team 07/05/2014

  • anonymous..

    03/05/2014

    I'm 18 and he is 20 . Recently he has been violent towards me and I don't know what todo. He knows I'm scared of him. He has a lot on his mind such as a court case with his ex about being violent. I don't know what todo :(

    anonymous.. - 03/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi there

      Thanks for your post. We're really sorry to hear you have been suffering physical abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour.

      It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s been happening in your relationship. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.

      If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

      You can also hear from a survivor of domestic violence here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7a8fsrPEaYQ&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=3&feature=plcp

      We hope this helps

      Best wishes

      This Is Abuse team 07/05/2014

  • Cassie

    02/05/2014

    I was sexually abused as a child (ages-7-11); at least I think I was. I mean he never hurt me but made me perform/performed sexual acts on me. I have always thought that the abuse never had a lasting effect on me but lately I've been thinking that maybe some of the confusing and irrational feelings/behaviour I exhibit may stem from this. However I cannot be sure, it could be totally unrelated to the abuse and maybe I'm using the abuse as an excuse to justify my own behaviour. I don't feel like I exhibit some behaviour or feelings that people who has been properly abused does. For example I don't really hate or fear my abuser. I just feel indifferent. I feel nothing for him. I don't want people to think I'm lying. Or overreacting and being dramatic but I would like to clarify some doubts I have. I want to seek help but I'm also afraid to do so. I just want to tell someone about this, I guess there is no real purpose of this post, I don't need guidance.

    Cassie Cassie - 02/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Cassie

      Thanks for your post.

      If you’ve been forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you didn't feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.

      If you are unsure, examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, being pressured to send naked pictures of yourself, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.

      If this has happened to you, we would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. They offer counselling and support for women who have experienced any form of sexual violence, not just rape.

      We hope this helps.
      Best wishes

      This Is Abuse team 07/05/2014

  • anonymous

    01/05/2014

    Im 16 and my boyfriend is 20- a couple of months ago I miscarried his child when he hit me. I know it was my fault but things lately have been difficult. Sometimes he can be controlling and violent. Although he does this he is immediately apologetic afterwards. I know he has had issues growing up as he was physically abused as a child. I love him and I want to get him the best possible help. What to do?

    anonymous - 01/05/2014

    Reply
    • Hi there

      Thank you for your post on the This is Abuse website, we are really sorry to hear about what you have been going through.

      We are sorry to hear you have been suffering abuse in your relationship. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth.

      It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s been happening in your relationship. It could be a teacher, a
      parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.

      A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around, as can still loving that person. Again, that is also completely normal and many people are torn between loving the person and hating their behaviour.

      As you’re under 18, you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      You can also call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

      If your boyfriend is ready to talk to someone, he could call Respect on 0808 802 4040 or visit www.respectphoneline.org.uk. Respect runs
      support services and programmes for men and women who inflict violence in relationships.

      I hope that this helps and that you get the support you need and deserve.

      Take care,
      The This is Abuse Team

      This Is Abuse team 02/05/2014

  • Angela

    29/04/2014


    My boyfriend And I have been together for 3 yeRs and I love him very much And care for him extremely but he and I both know that he has poor anger outbursts. He admits to having previous issues when he was younger to the point he was subscribed medication. At this point he does not have insurance to seek proper doctor attention but is in the process of obtaining insurance. He turns into another very angry person and has a lot of past family resentment and hurt which is where a lot of his anger stems from. Unfortunately I am one of the very few people he has close to him because his family is very broken and at most times Mia. He will take his anger out in me with belittling comments,name calling and what I see as manipulation. He says I make him mad and later apologizes that he didn't mean to say these things and he knows that it's wrong but does not know how to control his anger once it takes place. We both know this is not the person he wants to be and no longer wants to live like this, jeopardizing our relationship and hurting the one person he loves most,me. I have been his backbone and support for too long and it hurts me that I ,in most cases catch the wrath of his anger. We have reached the point that this is the time to seriously take action n seek the help and counseling that he needs. What is my best option or place to turn to get the material and source of help necessary so that he can live a healthier and happier lifestyle. Where can I turn for help so I myself can better understand his reasoning for his anger and offer guidance. I admit there are times where I play a role and fuel the fire also. We are both broken and know this is not ok but at times of rage we forget what we promised and spiral out of control all over again. It is a continuous cycle and can't do it on our own anymore. He needs proper tools to heal n correct all the wrong doings. Please help

    Angela - 29/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Angela,

      This sounds like a really tough situation for both of you. However, it is really important that you access some help yourself. It doesn't sound like your partner is acting this way towards anybody else and is therefore choosing to behave this way towards you.

      I am confused around your partner's issues with his insurance, if you are residing in the UK there are services that will work with him and support him. He can contact Respect on 0808 802 4040.

      Have you accessed any support for yourself? Services won't make you leave your partner, but will keep you as safe as possible. You can contact the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      It seems like you have got a lot of issues to address. If both you and your partner have recognised that there are issues that need to be addressed have you thought about separating for a period of time whilst you address what has been happening?

      If you ever feel scared or unsafe then I urge you to call the Police on 999. If you feel that you would like to report an incident after it has taken place and you are safe then please call 101.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/04/2014

  • Anonymous

    28/04/2014

    Hi, I'm a 14 year old girl and when I was around about 6-8 years old my mum went on a night out and my two brothers and a mate of my eldest brothers was all babysitting me and as a child I slept in my mums bed with her, so I was in a normal outfit of clothes lying on my mums bed under the quilt until I fell asleep, I woke up about 2am and pretended I was still asleep as I thought it was my mum, I felt my trousers come down and at this point I thought that it was just my mum putting me In my pyjamas but as I pretended to be asleep I felt someone playing about with me, I then was to scared to wake up and like ask this person what he was doing so i rolled over praying that he would go away, he stopped and crouched down beside my bed, I thought he was gone and then I looked and he just looked at me and walked out, I thought it was a nightmare but I remember my brother telling my mum how after that I ran downstairs crying because I was scared about something, I've only told my bestfriends and not my parents, he was like my brother he lived with us and everything, my dads very protective and I'm scared he will make it worse if I told him, I don't know what to do?

    Anonymous - 28/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hi,

      Thanks for sharing this experience, it must have been really scary for you, and is probably still having an impact on you at the moment.

      It is really important that you talk to an adult that you trust about what has happened. What he did is not acceptable, and was breaking the law. You had no control over what happened, so don't ever feel that this is your fault.

      Is there an adult that you trust who you could talk to? A parent, or a friend's parent, teacher or school counsellor who will be able to work through some of this with you?

      You can also call Childline if you feel that things are getting too much for you, their telephone number is 0800 1111. What happened to you was sexual assault, and needs to be treated as that. There is a lot of information on the Rape Crisis website, which is http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

      I really hope you reach out and access some support, as it will be really helpful for you.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/04/2014

  • Kate

    28/04/2014

    I been abused verbally and in controlling relationship for 2 years . I never call policeon him , but I make him go for help and he is going for counselling. But one time happened that I was little drunk and we been arguing all evening , finally he said some nasty stuff to me and I slapped him and he straight away call the police. I know I did wrong things but call the police ,I spend all night in police station. What to do?

    Kate - 28/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Kate,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It is a really difficult situation to be in, and this is why we would always encourage you to report all incidents to the Police. As you have used physical violence against him you have broken the law, and unfortunately, because you have never reported anything, there is no evidence to suggest that he has used abuse against you.

      It might be helpful to get in contact with your local domestic abuse service, you can find this on google or by contacting the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      I'm concerned as to how your relationship is functioning at the moment, he has used abuse against you, which you have not reported, and he has reported you for your use of abuse. The power all seems to be in your partner, and it seems that you have lost your control. I think it would be really beneficial for you to get some support, so please do contact the number above.

      Best wishes,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/04/2014

  • Anonymous

    28/04/2014

    Hi,
    I'm 14 and I lm not in a relationship with him when it happened but I just need help. On Christmas I went out with my mates and we all met with some older boys I was really drunk and they kept giving me alcohol he is 19. All my other mates left me and me and him and 2other boys went back to his place one of the boys tryed to do stuff with me but I said no to all of them but that didn't stop them they said it's ok we won't hurt you I kept saying no to it but adventually gave in they started doing stuff with me then I passed out on the bed and can't remember nothing at that time. when I woke it was to late to get all 3off them of off me and I was still to drunk to do anything then it stopped and 2 of the boys went down stairs the 2 guys are my age both 14 and they left me with the 19 year old he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and I did say yes so he did it I couldn't move cause of how drunk I was he took advantage of me and stole my virginity I've known the 19 year old since I was 5 and I look at him as my older brother me made me trust him by telling me he won't let nothing happen to me earlier that night. I've just told my bestfriend about it yesterday and she wants me to go to the police and tell my mum but I'm to scared the 19 year old is getting sent to prison for having sex with more than 3 underage girls so I don't see the point in calling the police on him. He made me promise him after that i would not tell anyone so I promised him. later that night they all walked me home and the next day he text me asking to do it again I said no. But apparently he raped me. I've cried so much because of it and I've even cut myself cause of it. I just need some advise cause I don't look at it as abuse, please help me. Thanks.

    Anonymous - 28/04/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Anon,

      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of strength to share what has happened to you, you sound like you are looking for some support so you don’t have to cope on your own with this. Hopefully some of the information below can help with this.

      What happened to you was not your fault. You were unable to consent to sex freely as you were under the influence of alcohol. What you are describing is rape, because having sex when you have not freely consented is rape. Being forced into sex is a serious thing and can take have affects in the long term for your emotions. You have experienced something very serious. You deserve some support now, as this is a difficult thing to cope with alone. The reactions you are having of self-harm, crying and feeling that you have been robbed of your virginity all show that you feel something very bad has happened, even though you are reluctant to call it abuse. It sounds like this person was very predatory if he is already in trouble for having sex with under age girls.

      I understand that this is a hard thing to discuss with people and you feel that telling your mum or the police may be too much for you at this time. You might want to call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). I have included a link to some information on consent here you might want to look at as well as some information on the effects of rape.

      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/consentandconsequences/

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_rapeAndTheEffectsOfRape.pdf

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_postTraumaticStressDisorder.pdf

      You have been really strong so far and now you deserve a bit of support to help you cope with the feelings you have.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 28/04/2014

  • anon

    24/04/2014

    About six months ago me and my boyfriend at the time had just started going out, i was 14 and he was 16. at this time i had only been involved in sexual activities once but my boyfriend had got it into his head that i had had sex with a lot of guys. Once i was at his house and he asked me to give him head and i didn't really want to but he took off his trousers and i felt pressured to do it anyway. He then said we should go upstairs so i followed him into a spare room where he started to undress me. i was scared to have sex with him because i hadn't done it before and he seemed to be quite rough with me. we had sex and i felt awful about it afterwards, i cried a bit but he didn't react. During the next month with him he would often have me in a room in his house and ask me if i wanted to have sex with him and sometimes i would say no, or i don't know, but every time he ignored and did it anyway. He started to hit me while we were having sex and he was very controlling. After we had broken up i didn't think about the sex or how i was treated too much, but now i'm having trouble sleeping and i can't stop thinking about it. i'm really scared all the time even though i never see him, i'm constantly stressed about it. i feel really weird too, i just don't know what to do because the only person i told didn't believe me. thanks

    anon - 24/04/2014

    Reply
    • Dear anon,

      Thank you for getting in touch. It sounds as though you have been having a really horrible. What he did to you was not ok. The law in this country is that you cannot give consent until you are 16 year old and so he could not lawfully have sex with you. None of what happened was your fault.

      It sounds as though you feel that you should be coping with what happened differently, however, everyone responds to abuse differently and it’s normal to feel upset and confused. I am really sorry that the person you told didn’t believe you.

      I think it could really help to talk it through with a professional such as someone from Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999 or a counsellor from Childline on 0800 1111. They will certainly believe you and offer advice and support to help you with how you are feeling now.

      I really hope you decide to get in touch with one of them.

      Take Care,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 24/04/2014

  • Ashish

    24/04/2014

    Hi,
    I am a guy and I have a boyfriend. Everything is going good in our relationship but whenever hr is drunk if I say something against him, he suddenly over reacts which really hurts me as he simply leave me alone and says to talk tomorrow. What to do in this situation should I call him or text him as always or leave him alone for sometime.

    Ashish - 24/04/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Ashish,

      Thanks for getting in touch. I am sorry that you’re having this problem with your boyfriend. Being ignored can be really upsetting.

      Have you talked with your boyfriend about how this makes you feel at a time when he has not been drinking? It can sometimes be difficult to talk about something that we don’t like about a partner when things are going ok, but it sounds as though this has happened several times and so talking about it could be helpful.

      If you have talked about it, and things are not changing you may need to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want to continue. Useful questions for yourself can be; If you had known that this was the way things would be before you started the relationship would you have started it anyway? If a friend you cared for described this situation to you what advice would you offer them?

      It may be that this is just one of several issues that are worrying you. If you are worried that you might be in an abusive relationship you could talk it through with an advisor at Broken Rainbow on 0300 999 5428.

      Take Care,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 24/04/2014

  • han

    23/04/2014

    I have always had a lot of respect for my body ,and I always wanted to wait for the right guy to lose my virginity with , last year I thought I had met him , yeah he did fool around with other girls but I forgave him and months later I lost my virginity too him , it was a massive step for me and I thought I was happy , he then started to cheat on me and lie about everything , like an idiot I took him back but one night he came to stay and we argued about this girl who messaged him talking about what they did at a festival, he lost his temper and raped me , he then said it was my fault and was extremely rude to me after , at first I thought it sad normal because in my head rape was when you were kicking and screaming and I just layed there crying , I told my mum but made her promise that she would never do or say anything to anyone and because I have suffered with depression for many years she stuck to the promise for me. He only got worse , we were a very controlling couple , very paranoid of each other cheating and he would leave me for other girls so I'd get angry and scream and shout and his family would send indirect abuse on social networking about me being a 'bunny boiler" and crazy , so I called him ugly and tried to fight back but then he'd come back and promise me he wouldn't hurt me again , few miserable months went by and we split up , one day I broke down in to tears and told my dad what he had done to me that night and honestly I couldn't forget it, my dad said if he contacted me stain my parents would call the police , however I was silly and thought I loved him so I let him back in my life secretly where he then made me cry and scream so much every night with twisted mind games that I attempted suicide twice , when I was feeling so weak he had sex with me and left me every time. After all of this I started hallucinating and went in to hospital because I wasn't coping anymore , I had let him walk away with a few insults , never did the right thing and called the police , I let my heart rule my head and now I'm stuck with the thought of him happy in his life whilst mine is ruined , the doctors are saying I may have bipolar disorder , all I can say is I don't think my life will ever be the same again and I don't feel like living anymore , because I suffered for nothing for over a year because I thought I was disgusting after what he did to me , he now makes it known he is with other girls and they have no idea what sort of person he is and they never will and it's all my fault , wish there was a way out of this nightmare

    han - 23/04/2014

    Reply
    • Dear han,

      Thank you for your post. I am really sorry that you had this experience. What happened to you was really not ok.

      It sounds as though you might be giving yourself a hard time for continuing a relationship when you had been experiencing abuse. It’s not unusual to stay with an abusive partner for some time and it doesn’t excuse what he did or make it your fault in any way.

      I am glad that you decided to speak with your parents about what has happened. Sometimes it can be really helpful to speak with someone independent, such as a professional, who can understand and help you make sense of how you are feeling now. For many people rape has a lasting and ongoing impact which is another good reason to get professional support.

      A good start would be rape crisis, you can call them on 0808 802 9999. You might want to look at the website first www.rapecrisis.org.uk if you are unsure about calling straight away.

      I imagine that being told that you may be suffering from a mental health disorder may also leave you with questions. You can always contact MIND at www.mind.org.uk .

      You say you have attempted suicide and that your life does not feel worth living any more, there is an organisation you can talk to run by www.papyrus-uk.org called HopeLineUK that you can contact on 0800 068 4141. With good help and support you do not need to feel like this forever.

      It’s not clear from what you have written whether you are still in contact with your ex-boyfriend any more. Keeping contact with someone who has been abusive can often prolong the trauma and painful feelings and I would encourage you to keep a distance if it is possible.

      You say you are worried that he will be hurting other people. However I don’t see that there is a way for you to make him change and you’re not responsible or to blame for his behaviour.

      I really wish you the best in your recovery

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 24/04/2014

  • Catherine

    23/04/2014

    I think I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I know that as I write this out it sounds so weird and people just think that it's easy to get out of, but I can't get out of it. I started talking to this boy over bbm about 3 years ago. At the time i was 15/16 an he said he was 21 (which I don't believe now) It was fine we started to talk and he seemed really nice. He persuaded me to give him my mobile number at the time I thought nothing of it but I know now that it was so stupid of me to do that. The first phone call we had, he pressured me into having phone sex with him. I laughed it off an kept saying no but he just started making sexual comments and at this point I was too scared to say no so I just went along with it. After that it kind off went down hill from there, but at the time I didn't realise. We talked once or twice a day on the phone and text constantly throughout the day. He used to tell me all of the things his ex used to say/do to him, which weren't very nice, making her out to be this evil person. I never thought that a relationship would have come out of this because that wasn't my intention, we never discussed it, he assumed that we were in a relationship and that we were boyfriend and girlfriend even though I never agreed. He kept telling me about his high end job in a huge car manufacturer and how he had a major role to play in the business as well as his dad's company that is worth millions. About how much money he had and didn't no how to spend it and all of the sports cars that he has, really bigging himself up, which at the time I thought was very interesting and glad that someone like that took an interest in me. However all the niceness kind of stopped. Every time I went out with my family he would constantly be ringing me to see where I was, wanting a specific time as to when I'd be home and I didn't answer or if I wasn't home in time, he would bombard me with texts about how he is leaving me, how selfish I am, how I don't think of others etc. he definitely hated me going out with my friends. He fell out with my friends over Facebook and I was stuck in the middle. Eventually my friends just gave up on me because I couldn't leave him, not because I wouldn't, because I couldn't. All of these things get worse. I think he makes me feel guilty for going out of the house, I have not been out to a club since we started talking, I have have up football, all my other hobbies and even don't go to school some days because he wants me to take days off. I feel I have to lie so that I can get some time or myself. I got a job, which he wasn't too happy about either, and I make up some extra days I'm working so that I can just have some peace because I don't know how I can get away from him. I also forgot to mention that he lives in London, apparently, and I live in Northern Ireland. He makes loads of promises that he's coming over but every single time something happens that he can't come over. And when I question it he gets aggressive and will shout and tell me that I don't understand about his work etc even though for the time we've been talking he sits at home most days.. So I question whether he even has a job. So I feel like I'm talking to a stranger and I am so scared and worried and I can't get out of it. No one seems to understand what I'm going through, they seem to think that I can just block his number but for some reason I don't think that will stop him pestering me. And all of this is not even the worst of what he does. I really need help and don't know what to do..

    Catherine - 23/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Catherine
      Thanks for your message. I am really glad you are reaching out for help, it sounds like things have been really difficult for a long time. So you have been talking to him for 3 years and he has been controlling and abusive for most of that, is that right?
      It must be awful for him to have such control over you. I understand why you are so upset.

      It is good that you have told people about it, I know if may seem like they don't understand though. Blocking his number is a good idea, you say that won't stop him? You would also have to block him online, is there any other way he contacts you? Does he have your home address? What else are you worried about?

      I am also concerned that you say this is not the worst he has done, do you feel able to talk about what else has been happening? If you want to we have a live chat service on here every mon-fri between 5-7pm.

      You can also contact the Women's Aid in Northern Ireland.
      http://www.womensaidni.org/get-help/about-the-helpline/
      They have a freephone 24 hour helpline - 0808 802 1414
      If you are worried about anything you can contact them at any time.

      What is happening to you is not your fault. This is abuse and control and you are right to be concerned. I think it is very important that you get some support to cope with this and to end the relationship safely.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/04/2014

  • Bex

    22/04/2014

    I am a 17 year old girl. When I was 14, the first boy i loved had sex with me even though I said no. I cried throughout the whole thing and he left immediately afterwards. I still really cared about him, so afterwards (not immediately but about a year later) we became friends. I decided not to tell anyone because I just wanted to forget about it. then last summer, he came over to my house with a few of my friends. I'd been having trouble with my family and I got really drunk. He had to carry me up the stairs and then we had sex. I managed to push him off right at the end and he got really weird and then left. I told my friends what happened and said he raped me, and none of them believed me. Now none of my friends will talk to me and they make me doubt that what happened was even rape and I don't know what to do.

    Bex - 22/04/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Bex,

      Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to speak about abuse and I can hear how difficult you are finding the aftermath of what happened to you. Your ex raped you when you were first together and then raped you again recently. This is a really horrible thing to go through and you deserve support.

      What happened to you was not your fault. You were raped and you tried to cope with it, and then you were raped again. I can hear how hard this has been for you and how much you are having to cope with alone.

      Do you know anyone you could talk to about this, family or a trusted adult or teacher? I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation that specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). The more people you have supporting you, the easier it will be for you to decide what to do next to get the help you need at this time.

      I can hear how much this has affected your friendships and how the fact that what happened to you has not been taken seriously by your friends and how this has hurt you. What happened to you was rape and is a serious crime. Your friends are in the wrong to not speak to you, you should not doubt yourself. You have been really strong to cope with this, you don’t have to do it alone anymore, you deserve some help and understanding for what you have been through.

      We also have live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to chat with one of our advisors.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 22/04/2014

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