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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

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Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

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TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Results: 420 - 435 of 2095

  • alex

    20/01/2014

    My friend is in an abusive relationship I think, he makes her buy him stuff, tells her she's stupid and that she doesn't look good, he also slept with her underage but she only recently admitted she didn't really want to but didn't want to upset him, he puts her down all the time and says stuff about her to his friends but she doesn't see whats happening, is there anything can do without going behind her back?

    alex - 20/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Alex,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It must be really difficult to see your friend experiencing abuse. It is really important that you are there to support your friend, what she is going through is going to be really tough for her.

      Her boyfriend having sex with her whilst under age is illegal, and he was breaking the law by doing so. If she felt pressured into doing so then it must be really hard for her.

      The difficulty is that she has to goose to talk to someone about it. But, it might also be helpful to talk through some information with her. She can contact the Rape Crisis Helpline on 0808 802 9999. If she is under 16 she can also contact Childline on 0800 1111. If she is 16 or over she can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247, run by Women's Aid.

      All of these services have websites that she can look at, or you can look at with her. It might be helpful for you to talk to an adult that you trust about what has been going on too, so a parent, or someone at school that you think you can talk to. You can also call all of the numbers above if you would like to talk a little bit more about what has been happening.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 21/01/2014

  • Lisa

    20/01/2014

    Hi, i've been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 months now, and we get on great but the only thing that is troubling me in the relationship is sex. He wants sex everytime we see each other which is about three times a week. He pressures me into it and I feel bad if I say no, so I always give in and after it i just feel used. What should I do?

    Lisa - 20/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lisa,

      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of strength lot share what is happening to you and you don’t have to cope on your own with this.

      You feel that you are unable to say no to your partner because he is pressurising you, but you do not want to have sex. What you are describing is sexual abuse, and if you are having sex when you have not freely consented this is rape. Being forced into sex is a serious thing and can take have affects in the long term for your emotions. I understand that this is a difficult thing to discuss with people, so you might want to call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday).

      I have included a link to some information on consent in relationships here you might want to look at as well.

      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/consentandconsequences/

      You can also come to our live chat if you want to which we run every Mon- Fri from 5-7pm to talk more.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 21/01/2014

  • Anonymous

    20/01/2014

    I have been in a relationship for 5 months now and he was amazon at the start then seemsikenonce he realises I fell in love with him he changed . He calls me fat and puts me down all the time I'm a size 8/10 but he has now made me feel worthless. We have had really bad patches to the point where he has smashed up my TVs . Everytime we argue now I'm scared of what he might do . I feel like he just uses me for money and somewhere to live but I know if he wasn't here I would miss him. He says I can go out with my friends but then will call every couple of mins. He has also made me delete numbers from my phone . He is with his friends 24/7 and wen I say I don't want them staying he doesn't listen and brings them back anyway. I want to leave him but can't imagine being without him coz I do love him so much and feel like he will change but then he changes for a few days then goes back to how he was . I just don't no wat to do anymore

    Anonymous - 20/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Anonymous,

      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of strength to reach out for support, which is what you have done today. You know that the way your partner is treating you is abusive, but I can hear how confused you are as you still care for him. There is support out there for you to access, you don’t have to be in this situation with no one to talk to about it.

      All the things you describe in your massage are abuse. You partner is being threatening, controlling, emotionally abusive, financially abusive and also making you feel physically intimidated by smashing tings up. Your partner is not treating you with love or respect. Many abusive people have a charming front that they put on when they first meet someone, that makes it harder for the person they are abusing to end the relationship, as they hope that things will go back to how they were.

      Your partner is not going to change his behaviour just like that. He is acting the way he is because he wants to and he enjoys having power over you. You cannot change him, you can only help yourself. What is happening is not your fault and you do not make him act the way he does, you are not to blame.

      Do you have anyone you could talk to about this, friends, family or someone else in your life? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take. You might also want to look on this website for more information about domestic abuse in relationships.
      www.womensaid.org.uk

      You can also come to our live chat if you want to which we run every Mon- Fri from 5-7pm to talk more.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 21/01/2014

  • linds

    20/01/2014

    Im so glad im free of this and rebuilding my life now, I was in an 8yr relationship from a very young age he was older and I didnt have a clue what I was getting myself in for, first sign I got was a few months into the relationship and he went through messages with me and another person just because he commented me positively as a friend I said something back to be nice and he found it and went mad but guilt tripped me, it was long distance so alot of it was online related at first, I look back now and saw thats how he managed to stop me speaking to other guys he then regularly watched over my accounts always knew if I had a new friend or spoke to someone but he could talk to whoever he wanted in whatever way but I wasnt allowed my say or i was being paranoid or rediculous, I fell pregnant after a few years and moved in with him and when I got pregnant it got alot worse, no one but his family knew about me he would go out alot and never take his phone I was stranded no friends no family just him and his family, I was with him 4 yrs after the birth of my child but he took to shouting at us both checking my phone and messages he had to have passwords to my accounts and I got accused if I changed them without telling him, when visiting my family he often went through my things and checked accounts if nothing to be found he would search for something just to have ago at me for, it tore me apart I wanted to stay for my child I was stuck, he then started messaging my family accusing me of things and started recording me and my child to 'catch me out inviting people in' I since left but he now plays the victim he still tries to blacken my name and causes problems and makes my life hard, im getting there but have learnt alot and im never going to allow anyone to treat me the way he did!

    linds - 20/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Linds,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear that you were in an abusive relationship for a long time and you have found the courage to leave and keep yourself and your child safe. You have had to cope on your own with a great deal and I’m pleased that you are in the process of rebuilding your life.

      Have you had any specialist support for what you have been through? If not you can look here to find out if there is a service in your local area. www.womensaid.org.uk

      It sounds like your partner is still harassing you. I have put a link here that directs you to some information about family law, this may be relevant to you.

      http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

      Thank you again for sharing your story.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 21/01/2014

  • ava

    20/01/2014

    I was with a boy when I was a teenager for 3 years and it was honestly the worst time in my life. He used bully me mentally when know what else saw said I was fat, worthless if I spoke yo other boys I was a slut. He used to get angry and use violence however when he was physical he was nevrr mad at me I was just the easy person to take it out onm he was a very popular guy at school I eventually got the courage to tell my friends, they didnt believe me thought I was telling lies and stopped beeny friends, till one day they caught him doing it but the shut the door on it and pretended like they never saw it. I eventually ended the relationship with hime which was the hardest thing to do with the help of some great friends I made secretly without anyone else knowing. He followed me alot used to have to get my dad to walk me to the shop if I wanted something as he would be hiding. He only stopped when I met a new boy we have been together now for 7 years are married with 2 children he is my hero!
    Dont let anybody control you or let you think you think you are worthless in anyway. The bullies that do these horrible things are going to be the lonely ones. When I was younger it was never talked about very thankful that mtv have seen it needs to noticed.

    ava - 20/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Ava,

      Thank you for sharing your story with people reading the site. You went through a horrible time, being abused and not having the support of friends. You showed a lot of courage to end the relationship. I’m pleased you are in a happy relationship now.

      If you feel you might like some specialist support for what you went though you can look on this website for a service in your area. www.womensaid.org.uk

      Thank you again for sharing your story.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 21/01/2014

  • Cheryl

    20/01/2014

    Hi
    I have been married for18 years and we have had our ups and downs but for the last couple of years my husband has become mentally abusive. He can start an argument over anything most of the time it's just to get a reaction out of me! Then he will call me stupid, mad, a lunatic block the doorway so I can't escape his tirade all this will I front of the children. I have told him that what he does to me is mental abuse but he says that it's me.
    I've asked him to go for marriage guidance counselling but he won't.
    I can't keep living like this or keep putting the children through this, where can we go to get some help?

    Cheryl - 20/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Cheryl,

      It sounds as though this is distressing for both you and your children and it is good that you are looking for some support.

      A local women’s service will be able to offer you support and advice on what you can do next. A good place to start would be the National 24 hour Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      I really hope you find the help you are looking for.

      Best Wishes,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 20/01/2014

  • nicole

    20/01/2014

    hello i just wanted to explain my experiance. i am 17 years old and this happend when i was 16 i was in a relationship with a boy that always thaought i was cheating and i wern't i always spent time with my family and he didn't like it ansd he lockedd me in the house while he went out with his friend and when he came home he would hit me sometimes he would applagise the day after but sometimes he would blame me. 1 day i came home from seeing my mom and he'd been drinking and he beat me so bad that io had to go to hospital. he beat me so bad he broke my arm and fractured a rib i was in hospital for two week . people don't end up like i did tell people that you trust or tell call it out mtv i had no one for 12 month now i have my family

    nicole - 20/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Nicole,

      Thank you for sharing your story with people reading the site. You went through a terrifying ordeal and it takes a lot of courage to get out of that situation and to tell other people about it. You have been really strong and I hope you are getting the support you deserve.

      You say you have your family around you, that’s really great to hear and I’m pleased you are I a better situation now. If you feel you might like some specialist support for what you went though you can look on this website for a service in your area. www.womensaid.org.uk

      Thank you again for sharing your story.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 21/01/2014

  • Verity

    20/01/2014

    Hello,
    I was in a year long relationship and like many others I couldn't see that it was an abusive one. others around me like my mum tried to warn me that is was obsession and not love but i chose not to listen as at the time i thought i loved him.
    At the start everything went well but he started to become more and more strict on who I saw and tried to stop me going out with friends and would have lots of mood swings - one day he worshipped the ground I walked on and the next he was paranoid i was about to leave him and would cry and beg for me to stay. Mind games and guilt tripping was common. When it came to choosing unis to go to, all of his choices were very close to mine so he could keep an eye on me and this was when i finally decided i had to leave him.
    it wasn't until we had split and i began a new relationship that i realised how close he had been to breaking my spirit and what an abnormal relationship we had had.
    Thankfully my new boyfriend and parents are helping the old me to return. I just want to say to anyone reading this, don't stand for emotional abuse as eventually your partner will take over your life and try to control you. Obsession is not love.
    Thank you

    Verity - 20/01/2014

    Reply
  • ben

    20/01/2014

    Hi, I'm looking for advice. I've been cheated on twice in the past and unfortunately have trust issues and yes...i check my girlfriend's emails and sometimes her phone because of it. I knew it was wrong but it made me feel better but now knowing that it is abuse i want to stop. Does anyone have any tips/advice for me?

    Deep down i know she wouldn't do anything, just my fear gets the better of me sometimes.

    ben - 20/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Ben,

      I’m really pleased you got in touch.

      It’s really good that you have recognised that what you were doing wasn’t okay. You said that checking your girlfriends emails and messages made you feel better, but this usually doesn’t last very long and can be destructive of the relationship that you are worried about loosing in the first place.

      It sounds as though you do trust the girlfriend you are with now which is great. If you wanted to get some help with overcoming your insecurity you could speak with a counsellor.

      Best Wishes,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 20/01/2014

  • Dan

    20/01/2014

    My girlfriend threatens to tell my parents about my recreational drug use, is this a form of abuse ? I obviously know the risks of my use but it doesn't affect our relationship in any other way than he using it as leverage. If this is abuse how do i counter it ? Im finding it hard to say what i need to without her dismissing what i say as due to my drug use.

    Dan - 20/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Dan,

      Thank you for your post. My immediate concern is that you are dismissing your girlfriend’s worries about your use of drugs. Is it possible that she is worried about your health and wellbeing? You say that you know it does not affect your relationship in any other way, however, it does seem that it is a problem for your girlfriend.

      The use of any illicit drug is illegal. There is some useful advice available here http://www.talktofrank.com/drugs or you can contact your local drug and alcohol service.

      If there are things that you would like to talk about with your girlfriend that you are worried she will dismiss, it may be best to choose a time when you are not under the influence of any substances to have this conversation.

      I hope you are able to have a meaningful conversation with your girlfriend about what’s happening.

      Take Care,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 20/01/2014

  • Kelly

    19/01/2014

    I have been in the same relationship for 6 years which started when I was 15, my partner then kind of isolated me from my friends making it feel like it was my decision to not be friends with them. A few years into our relationship, he asked me to move in with him but further away from home (family reasons) and I said yes, even though I gave up everything. Moving to a new place where I didn't know anyone, he was my only friend. Then I started work and finally I've got some friends who invite me out, I have to ask him if it's ok for me to go out and tell him where I'm going and what time I think I'll be back but when he goes out, it's ok for him to return at 4 in the morning and I can't stay out later then 12. He calls the people I work with scum and sorts so that maybe I won't hang out with them. He has to know whose texting me and what's it about- but I got him to stop asking so much after an argument about it. He calls me a tramp when I burp even though I say excuse me straight away. He makes me feel bad and guilty about certain things and sometimes when I'm walking to work I start to have bad thoughts about myself and about something happening and I don't know if that's because he has deep down conditioned my thoughts that way.
    I never really thought this was abuse until I started seeing the adverts for this and realised a lot of them are how my relationship is, but I don't know what to do about it...

    Kelly - 19/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Kelly
      Thanks for your message. I am sorry to hear about the abuse you have been experiencing, but it is good that you are now looking for support. It can be really hard to recognise abuse in our own relationships, especially when the other person is controlling you.

      I am concerned that you say you are having bad thoughts about yourself? Can you tell me a bit more about that? I am sure that this is linked to the years of abuse you have been through as this can have a huge impact on self-esteem and confidence.

      I think it is important that you talk to someone about this - could you talk to anyone at work?
      You can ring the national domestic abuse helpline on 0800 2000 247 - they are open 24 hours a day. They can give you advice and tell you about local services. Also, you can just google the area that you live in and 'domestic violence services' and it should tell you what is nearby. There should be a women's aid outreach service that you can go to.

      Please don't try and cope with this alone, there are lots of people who can support you no matter what you decide to do, and if you want to leave him, they can help you to do that safely.
      We also have a live chat every mon-fri from 5-7 pm if you want to talk to us more,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2014

  • Dawn

    19/01/2014

    My boyfriend has always liked sex but .......he wants lt everyday.He talks about sex all of the time.I give into him but I tell him I don't want sex all of the time but he doesn't listen and does it any way.I have told him how it makes me feel worth less and I get upset but he doesn't take any notice or he leaves me alone for a week then it goes back to him wanting sex every day.He can't even kiss or cuddle without him waning sex, I tell him to leave but he won't.I have told him it is rape if I say no to sex or I don't want sex but he says don,t be stupid,I really need some advice.

    Dawn - 19/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Dawn

      Thank you for your message.
      You are right when you tell your boyfriend that it is rape if he forces you to have sex when you say no, or when you don't want to.
      Does anyone else know what has been happening? It is important that you are not trying to cope with this alone.

      I think the best thing for you to do is to contact Rape Crisis - they are brilliant and will be able to listen and give you advice and support - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      0808 802 9999 helpline - open between 12 - 2.30pm
      / 7 - 9.30pm

      I know it may feel scary talking about this, but it will help to keep you safe and will make you feel better. You have taken a big step talking to us, and if you want to talk more we have a live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2014

  • Paul

    19/01/2014

    Hi, feeling pretty rough. Why is it that everything appears to be in the favour of a partner who goes off with someone else. As a man, it seems that there is no recognition of the damage, emotionally and physically that a women who is cheating. I suppose this applys both ways, whether a man or women,It would appear that the law protects the one who has been unfaithful. I was one the receiving end of a set of circumstances that has hurt more than I can describe. Would have been easier to deal with if the actions were not so deceitful. The fact that I wanted to have my say to our family and friends, "due to circumstances which some may understand the family and friends were only my partners who I was introduced to and became my family and friends" looks like will end up with a harassment charge against me. But what about the emotional, and physical damage this has done to me. I have heard it said, "Just Walk Away" which is great advice, but how does that help the mental anguish you are suffering from. It seems to me that the opinion of most is that if you retaliate (not violently) but even in words, people think it is you that is wrong and run to support the one who committed the original "crime" Why is it that we think that someone cheating is not to blame and is protected against any consequences, and that if the one Hurt; reacts even in words and explanation is guilty of harassment. I am not perfect by any means, but even by the words of the family and friends to me, I was a good person, ok now because I have spoken my mind I am the bad guy. I have read some things about emotional and sexual harassment but I can guess that would me much harder to prove that someone reporting that you have contacted family and friends notifying them of what has happened. Even this has started me crying, wish I was not a man.......

    Paul - 19/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Paul,

      Thanks for getting back in touch. Unfortunately, from what you have said in your last two posts there seems to be very little that you have said that would suggest that there is abuse taking place.

      I understand that it can be really difficult to find out that a partner has been cheating, however this alone does not constitute abuse. It would not constitute abuse for your partner to refuse to have sex with you, and you have not evidenced that she was having sex with another person.

      I appreciate that there are less services for men who are experiencing violence and abuse the legal support for victims works in the same way for men as it does for women. If you are constantly trying to attempt your ex-partner for any reason, because you want answers to questions, you want possessions back, you feel you deserve an explanation this will be seen as harassment and she is entitled to take out a Non-Molestation Order or obtain a harassment warning.

      There are services out there that will listen to you and talk through what has taken place. You can contact the Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327, or you can talk with one of the This Is Abuse Team Monday-Friday 5pm-7pm on our live chat. I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to a professional around why you feel there was abuse and how you can move forward from your current situation.

      I want to highlight that none of this makes you less of a man, and we are very aware that men experience violence. However, from what you have said your ex-partner feels you are harassing her, and nobody should have to feel like this, so I think it would be helpful to look at how you can progress.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 21/01/2014

    • Thanks for the reply Brian, I think the point I was trying to get across is that as a man you have far less options available to you for help, and that while you wish for help being a man you are reluctant to speak out because you believe that no one will listen... perception. While there is no law stopping someone leaving another, there is the morality of treating people with decency and respect, there are laws about emotional harassment and sexual harassment, but it appears that these are tailored to women not men, some one cheating but carrying in a relationship putting emotional pressure on you lying by saying they cannot have sex with you because they don't feel good about them self and they have sexual hangups, but at the same time they are with someone else, is extreme emotional torture...the list goes on, and when you have found this out and you want to speak to the family and friends you have made, for some support, it is seen as bad because they are her family friends, unfortunately for me I moved to an area left all friends behind with distance being a problem, I spent so much time running around between work, diy for her taking her out, all things she would pressure me into with various words and actions that made me feel that if I didn't she would be annoyed or upset with me, even trying to describe these things makes me feel like, hey I'm a man just man up, but the other side it makes me feel devestated in so much pain, and suicidal its like the saying institutional you have got so used to doing everything for someone trying to keep them happy, then they take that walking stick away in such a hurtful manner you loose everything about you as a person

      paul - 20/01/2014

    • Dear Paul,

      Thanks for your post. I am sorry that you are finding things so painful at the moment.

      For most of us, the end of a relationship is painful and even more so when the other person has decided to be with someone else. I’m not sure what you mean by the law protecting the person who is unfaithful. Your ex-partner ending the relationship or starting a new one, no matter how painful, is not a criminal offence.

      Even when we are hurt we are responsible for the way we react and our behaviour. Often, when something like this happens the best thing is to get support from a trusted friend or professional like a counsellor. You ask how walking away can help your anguish, and I don’t think it can, but what you do once you have walked away is really important. You can choose to get help to move on or dwell on how unfair it all feels.

      Take Care Paul.

      Best Wishes,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 20/01/2014

  • emily-jayne

    19/01/2014

    took me a while to realise I was in one of those relationships because there was no violence but I was with this lad for a month and every day he accused me of cheating did not let me spend time with my family and tried pressuring me into things I didn't want to do, things I wasn't ready for, his excuse " if you loved me you would" left him a few week back and tbh it's the best thing i've ever done :)x

    emily-jayne - 19/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      I am really glad you got in touch and very pleased you are no longer in that abusive relationship. Unfortunately 'if you loved me you would....' is a very common thing for abusers to say to make their victim feel guilty and to try to control them and to get them to do things they don't want to do.
      Well done for being so brave and leaving the relationship. It can take a while to recover from abuse, so make sure you talk to people - this can be friend/family/teacher etc but there are also lots of organisations who can help on our help pages,

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2014

  • soph

    19/01/2014

    I was in a relationship for a year & four months from the age of 17-18 & i adored my ex boyfriend. But he was very manipulative & abusive. I had no idea until it was over. My friends warned me that my relationship wasn't healthy. He used to get in fights a lot & was very aggressive towards me & others. He didn't care for me, used to check my phone,Facebook & if i didn't answer my phone he would ring my house phone & my friends. He also stopped me wearing what i wanted, didn't let me go to parties if he couldn't make it. He hit on all of my friends that are girls, he also used to get really drunk & abusive. He also cheated on me & denied it for years. He dumped me over the phone the day i was back from holiday four days before valentines day. My relationship was exactly like the mtv adverts. Those adverts really helped me come to terms with my awful relationship. Now in trying to move on & i know what's a healthy relationship & what isn't.

    soph - 19/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Soph

      Thanks for your message. It sounds like your boyfriend was really abusive and controlling. I am really glad that you have good friends who recognised this and wanted to support you. Sometimes it can be really hard to see abuse in our own relationships - which is why we created this campaign.
      I am really pleased that you are no longer in that relationship and that you are trying to move on.
      It can take a while to recover from the trauma of abuse, so do get support if you need to. Have a look at our help pages if you need some links for who you can talk to.

      Take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2014

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