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This is ABUSE

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Results: 420 - 435 of 2107

  • Frankie

    21/01/2014

    I don't know if my circumstances would be classed as being in an abusive relationship or not, I have recently realised more and more that something isn't right. I have only been in three relationships, two of which were very loving and caring and secure, but ended mutually and I was on good terms with both ex partners. In this current relationship however I feel as if I am not an equal but instead that I should be grateful to him for being with me, I have only now begun to realise that from the start he has had all the power in this relationship. We meet when he has time, we call when he has time, we both have busy work schedules but I feel as if I'm now starting to loose friends and family and hobbies so I can always stay available for him. If he calls and I don't answer, he leaves voicemails that use phrases like being neglected or too busy for me. If I call first the response is that I'm harassing him. I feel the only time he I'd happy is when I'm doing things to please him or constantly spending money on luxury items to make him happy. He made me remove his friends from Facebook because they are his friends and I'm moving their attention towards me, now they like me more than they like him. He liked to publicly exert his authority over me by telling me when I can and can't speak. Besides all this he is nice to me, has never called me fat or ugly, in fact says things like you look good even without make up, ends all conversations with love you loads and gets upset of I don't say it too. He has been physically abusive in his past relationship and was prosecuted for this, I don't want that past to cloud my judgement am I just being paranoid?

    Frankie - 21/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Frankie
      Thank you for your message, I am really glad you got in touch. It does sounds like your boyfriend is being very controlling and emotionally abusive. It also concerns me that he has been prosecuted for abuse before, as unfortunately people do not usually change unless they have the right support and are willing to recognise their behaviour as being abusive and take responsibility for it.

      I don't think you are being paranoid at all, you are doing the right thing in asking for help. I hear how he is starting to isolate you from people who can help you and this is worrying. Is there anyone you can talk to? A family member or friend? Someone at work? You can also ring the helpline on 0800 2000 247.

      You can also come to our live chat session every mon-fri between 5-7pm if you want to talk more. It is important to take this seriously and to trust your instincts. You know what a happy and healthy relationship is like and that this is not like that.

      If you do want to leave him, there is lots of support to help you do that safely. This is why it is important that other people know what has been happening.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2014

  • Millie

    21/01/2014

    I was watching MTV when this advert caught my eye, my bestfriend is in this position, whenever we meet he tells her she has to be home before 7pm, and if she isn't he'd start calling her names and accusing her of meeting boys, he'd check what she would wear and she isn't allowed to wear vest tops to go out in, he tells her she isn't allowed snapchat, Facebook and me and her aren't allowed to meet anymore as he doesn't like me, he made her chose him over me, hes so protective I feel really sorry for her but she never listens

    Millie - 21/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Millie
      Your friend is really lucky to have you watching out for her. It sounds like her boyfriend is being very controlling and that is very unhealthy in a relationship.

      This is a leaflet about how to help your friends if you are worried they are in an abusive relationship:
      http://www.avaproject.org.uk/media/54339/mates%20ava%20final.pdf

      Do you see her at school? Maybe you can show her this site, it may help her to recognise what is happening but also to be reassured that there is help. Maybe you could also talk to a teacher at school, or another adult at home? They will be able to help you as well. It is important that people know what has been going on.

      It's really good that you are there for your friend, it can be hard when it feels like she doesn't listen but there will be lots of reasons for that and she may be scared. It is good to get support yourself too as it can be hard worrying about someone. Please do try and tell someone,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2014

  • emmalouise

    21/01/2014

    I was in an abusive relationship & didn't realise it till it was over & it took therapy for me to accept that's what it was. I am the type of person who if on other side seeing or hearing what my friend going threw I would be the first to say leave, get out! But when you are the one in it you make excuses for the person you love unconditionally & they so how manage twist the situation so that you end up taking the blame and begging for forgiveness. Crazy but true. I also wasn't aware that abuse was not just physical, I was pushed and grabbed but never hit or hurt so felt it wasn't abuse until my Dr told me otherwise, I was mentally abused and its scary and extremely hard to recover from. I lost all self respect and wasn't strong enough to leave, he left me thankfully, it hurt so much I suffered extreme depression & anxiety attacks and was put on two types of medication, one year on still on meds been threw successful round of CBT therapy and slowly rebuilding my self confidence & life. I found the best way forward was to be 100% open & honest about what im going threw. I used Facebook as my outlet and voiced my voice, unlike just written feelings I found by posting them and getting supportive replys was the key to my recovery, it felt like venting was offloading! I learned to be more positive in life and with the huge support from taking it out I got I now never feel alone in this world. If I can do it so can you.

    emmalouise - 21/01/2014

    Reply
    • HI EmmaLouise

      Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You are right, it can be really hard to recognise abuse in your own relationship - especially when it is emotional abuse. I am glad that your doctor helped you. It is great that therapy has helped and that you found your own way to cope and deal with the trauma. It can take a long time to recover from abuse, so do ask for more help if you need to.
      Good luck for the future!
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2014

  • Des

    21/01/2014

    Hi. Although I find it a great thing what you did there, I just have to say, "if you loved me you would"?! No, that's not abuse, please don't say that. I personally some people say that *because* they feel the relationship isn't real, and they hurt. They're not trying, necessarily, to emotionally manipulate the other into doing whatever it is they're arguing about.

    Des - 21/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Des,

      Thanks for your comment. I think it's really worth considering why we would ever say, 'you'd do it if you loved me.' What does this achieve?

      I think there are so many more ways that we can express our feelings. It can sound really basic, but it's makes a lot of sense to use 'I feel...' statements. For example, when you behave like that it makes me feel sad, or like you're not listening. There are so many other ways that we can express how we feel without making someone feel that they have to do something in order to prove that they love us.

      If you would like to talk about this a little more then you are welcome to contact the Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2014

  • michelle

    21/01/2014

    im so pleased you are exposing abuse in relationships - especially emotional abuse which is the kind of abuse that so often cannot be seen in the same way physical abuse can be seen ie no black eyes...its just that your heart gets stabbed with every destructive word that is spoken to you or shouted at you and its just that your nerves jangle everytime you know he's going to 'lose it again'. thank you for starting the awareness of how many people are suffering silently and misunderstood.
    we should all be respected and treated kindly when we are in relationship with someone.
    stop messing with out heads and hearts is my message to any abuser....please understand we ALL have feelings not just you so please be sensitive - get it?
    also....one more thing...the vids show young couples,but its every couple who can be abused. couples in their 30's, 40's and 50's plus. Please be strong people CALL IT OUT - OUT OF BOUNDS to abuse. Godbless You xxx

    michelle - 21/01/2014

    Reply
  • channy

    21/01/2014

    there's a boy 25 and im 17 he asks me for dirty pictures and when I say no he calls me names saying im unfair and other stuff, I feel pressurized but I say no to him and he also asks to meet and sends rude messages

    channy - 21/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Channy,

      Thanks for getting in contact, it's really important to know the following; If you’re pressuring someone to send you sexually explicit pictures (sexting), this is abusive and not normal. There are consequences – if you pressurise someone to send sexually explicit pictures you could get a reputation as an abuser. If you share the pictures and they go on the internet, this could affect your future education and employment as well as the person who took them. There are also consequences if that explicit image is shared without the victim’s knowledge or agreement. By sending indecent pictures of a person under 18 on to someone else you are breaking the law.

      THe NSPCC have some really helpful information on their website, it is aimed at parents but will be helpful to you too. http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/for-parents/talking-about-sex/sexting/sexting_wda96795.html

      Nobody should pressure you in to doing something you don't want to do, and I'm really glad that you have said no. If you want to talk to us a bit more about this then we are running live chat sessions Monday-Friday 5pm-7pm.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2014

  • hayley

    21/01/2014

    Im 25 and my partner is 27 and we have been together for 2 years and I have 2 children from a previous abusive relationship. My partner has just hit me on my back with a can of drink in his hand and my back is battered and bruised. He held his fist up to me and said hes gonna punch the crap out of me. This is not the 1st time . He punched me so hard in my arm , my whole arm bruised. He promised he wouldnt do it again since that . He calls me fat and last night when I cooked him dinner he said it was horrible and made me feel so small. What do I do? I moved 50 miles away from all my family and friends to be with this guy . I feel so alone x

    hayley - 21/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Hayley,

      Thank you for you message. Your partner is being physically and emotionally abusive. What is happening is not your fault. I know you said that you moved away from your family but do you have anyone you can talk to about what is happening? A family member, a friend or someone you trust?
      If you don't feel able to talk to anyone you can call the 24hr national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247 or look on www.womensaid.org.uk for more information on domestic abuse.
      You can also come to our live chat which runs Mon-Fri 5-7pm to talk more.

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 22/01/2014

  • alison

    21/01/2014

    what can I do out my boyfriend who's verbal comments make me feel very low and upset

    alison - 21/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Alison,

      I think the first step is to talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. If this doesn't change the situation then you need to look at the relationship a little more deeply.

      If you have told him that the comments make you feel sad or upset you and he doesn't change his behaviour then you need to consider if he will ever change it. If he doesn't change it suggests that he doesn't have very much respect for you.

      It has to be his choice if he wants stop behaving this way, you can't make him change. But if he decides not to change, then you will have t think about what you want next. If you want to talk about this more then we are running live chat sessions on the site Monday-Friday 5pm-7pm.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2014

  • may

    20/01/2014

    Iv been with My boy 4years now and he was so diffrent at the start but no he always gets really jelouse when I talk to my lad mates and dosent like me hanging around with any lads unless there his mates and he rings me all the time he calles me a slag but says he's joking all the time but it hurts a lot and he always wants sex I don't know its just becoues he loves me and wants to pertect me tho right?

    may - 20/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear May,

      Thank you for your message. You are obviously aware that something in your relationship isn’t right because you have left a message on this site. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge that and there is support for you.

      What is happening in your relationship is abusive. It is not ok for your boyfriend to stop you seeing people, call you names or pressurise you into having sex when you don’t want to. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. You boyfriend is not doing that, and he isn’t protecting you by abusing you and making you feel hurt.

      Have you got anyone in your life you can speak to about this, friends or family? If not you can contact the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 to discuss with them what is happening. You may also want to have a look at this website.
      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/

      You can also come to our live chat if you want to which we run every Mon- Fri from 5-7pm to talk more.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 22/01/2014

  • Lindsay

    20/01/2014

    Hey
    I'm also became more concern about my relationship as the adverts started to make me notice things aren't right.

    I've decided to end a 10 year relationship, but the break up isn't happening, I told him that I fell out of love with him and he started to scream and shout and said that he move out, but it seems like he forgot every thing that's happened,.
    I'm scared of addressing this matter again,
    When we first meet it was love at first sight and everything was very well, but my friends were telling me that the way he treats me isn't normal and even suggested that I would be in a early grave if I'm not careful.
    Well he started by making me distance from my friends and calling them names and telling me that they were jealous of your life and what you got. I trusted his words to be true, as he is 7 years older I thought he knew best. He didn't finish there, he also done the same to my family and whenever my mam comes around, he acts all nice and ok, but he has kicked off in front of my mam and even drove like a maniac in the car with us in. He knows I hate the way he drive and at one time I got so scared I actually hit him in the face, (was screaming with terror) he kicked me out the car and I had to find my way home, but like a fool I got back with him.
    I started to go out hiking with a good friends lately and the latest trick of the book is that he works all week and I don't spent time with him and then accuses me of wanting to spent more time with them than him. He likes to control ever inch of my life, he got my paying all the bills so I haven't got any spare cash to spend and whenever I suggest splitting the bills, he kicks off and then says he gets more money than me and spitting the bills will make me worse off. He pays for my car off his work (perks of the job) another control of his, we were out in town meeting his sister and I snap at the way he's acting up in front of my mam, he walks off and I recieve a text, from him saying sorry for wasting 10 years of your life, give me a week I'm moving out.! so I go home, he returns later to take my car keys off me and he goes to his Mams so now I'm left to make my own way to work on my bike in -3 weather as wasn't expecting to have no Car at such short notice.

    Anyway i thought moving out would have helped, but seems like hes getting worse.
    .
    Anyway Christmas 2013 I wasn't exactly happy about what he was being like and how I could barely afford to live and get my own presents in. So I suggest it just be the two of us at Christmas, he turns around to me and says it will be boring us the two of us. I use this comment as my strength to finish it.
    I've started to get out with my friends lately and he hasn't said much to me as he seems to be doing the same and doesn't return until 24 hours later.

    There's a lot more that's happened, but its not going to be pretty to get him to leave without a full on fighting match.
    I haven't got anywhere to live if I move out.

    Lindsay - 20/01/2014

    Reply
  • Bex

    20/01/2014

    I'm just a teenager and I've had an emotionally abusive relationship that still effects me to this day. He made me feel awful and my self esteem was at an absolute low. He used to insult me and stop me from seeing my friends,I never understood why. He still tries to stop me from seeing certain people and were not even together,messaging me over and over again trying to keep me away from other guys. Does anyone have any advice about how to get over this and how to get my self esteem back on track?

    Bex - 20/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Bex,

      I am sorry to hear that you were in an abusive relationship and pleased that you are out of it now. Thanks for posting. It is not unusual for someone’s confidence and esteem to be affected by a controlling partner but it can definitely get better.

      A good place to start if you are at school or college is to speak with a counsellor. You mention that you are in your teens. If you are under 18 you can speak with a counsellor at Childline on 0800 1111. If you are over 16 you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      You also said that your ex-boyfriend is still trying to control you now. This is really not okay and I think it would be a good idea to speak with someone (perhaps a trusted adult, teacher or counsellor) about this.

      If you want to you can live chat with a This Is Abuse advisor on this site between 5pm and 7pm on weekdays.

      Take Care,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 22/01/2014

  • natalie

    20/01/2014

    im an a18 year old girl. just before my 18th birthday, I got out of an abusive relationship. the abuse was not physical but he used to accuse me of meeting other people when I was going to my moms and call me names to put me down. he would go through my phone. he didn't want me to go out with boys that I was mates for years. in the end I would spend most of my time away from my home because he was always there so escape to my moms for a while. the worst thing he done was lock me in my flat. if I didn't get him beer from the shop he would accuse me again and I would have to leave my own home again. I didn't break up with him in the end, he broke up with me but I wished id done it as soon as the accusations started. I was broken down and felt like I could do nothing with my life because of how he made me feel. it has now been 6 months and talking to people about this has helped me get through it. my advice is talk to someone and don't let it happen. if u feel like something is wrong in the relationship, there more than likely is.

    natalie - 20/01/2014

    Reply
  • alex

    20/01/2014

    My friend is in an abusive relationship I think, he makes her buy him stuff, tells her she's stupid and that she doesn't look good, he also slept with her underage but she only recently admitted she didn't really want to but didn't want to upset him, he puts her down all the time and says stuff about her to his friends but she doesn't see whats happening, is there anything can do without going behind her back?

    alex - 20/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Alex,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It must be really difficult to see your friend experiencing abuse. It is really important that you are there to support your friend, what she is going through is going to be really tough for her.

      Her boyfriend having sex with her whilst under age is illegal, and he was breaking the law by doing so. If she felt pressured into doing so then it must be really hard for her.

      The difficulty is that she has to goose to talk to someone about it. But, it might also be helpful to talk through some information with her. She can contact the Rape Crisis Helpline on 0808 802 9999. If she is under 16 she can also contact Childline on 0800 1111. If she is 16 or over she can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247, run by Women's Aid.

      All of these services have websites that she can look at, or you can look at with her. It might be helpful for you to talk to an adult that you trust about what has been going on too, so a parent, or someone at school that you think you can talk to. You can also call all of the numbers above if you would like to talk a little bit more about what has been happening.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 21/01/2014

  • Lisa

    20/01/2014

    Hi, i've been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 months now, and we get on great but the only thing that is troubling me in the relationship is sex. He wants sex everytime we see each other which is about three times a week. He pressures me into it and I feel bad if I say no, so I always give in and after it i just feel used. What should I do?

    Lisa - 20/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lisa,

      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of strength lot share what is happening to you and you don’t have to cope on your own with this.

      You feel that you are unable to say no to your partner because he is pressurising you, but you do not want to have sex. What you are describing is sexual abuse, and if you are having sex when you have not freely consented this is rape. Being forced into sex is a serious thing and can take have affects in the long term for your emotions. I understand that this is a difficult thing to discuss with people, so you might want to call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday).

      I have included a link to some information on consent in relationships here you might want to look at as well.

      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/consentandconsequences/

      You can also come to our live chat if you want to which we run every Mon- Fri from 5-7pm to talk more.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 21/01/2014

  • Anonymous

    20/01/2014

    I have been in a relationship for 5 months now and he was amazon at the start then seemsikenonce he realises I fell in love with him he changed . He calls me fat and puts me down all the time I'm a size 8/10 but he has now made me feel worthless. We have had really bad patches to the point where he has smashed up my TVs . Everytime we argue now I'm scared of what he might do . I feel like he just uses me for money and somewhere to live but I know if he wasn't here I would miss him. He says I can go out with my friends but then will call every couple of mins. He has also made me delete numbers from my phone . He is with his friends 24/7 and wen I say I don't want them staying he doesn't listen and brings them back anyway. I want to leave him but can't imagine being without him coz I do love him so much and feel like he will change but then he changes for a few days then goes back to how he was . I just don't no wat to do anymore

    Anonymous - 20/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Anonymous,

      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of strength to reach out for support, which is what you have done today. You know that the way your partner is treating you is abusive, but I can hear how confused you are as you still care for him. There is support out there for you to access, you don’t have to be in this situation with no one to talk to about it.

      All the things you describe in your massage are abuse. You partner is being threatening, controlling, emotionally abusive, financially abusive and also making you feel physically intimidated by smashing tings up. Your partner is not treating you with love or respect. Many abusive people have a charming front that they put on when they first meet someone, that makes it harder for the person they are abusing to end the relationship, as they hope that things will go back to how they were.

      Your partner is not going to change his behaviour just like that. He is acting the way he is because he wants to and he enjoys having power over you. You cannot change him, you can only help yourself. What is happening is not your fault and you do not make him act the way he does, you are not to blame.

      Do you have anyone you could talk to about this, friends, family or someone else in your life? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take. You might also want to look on this website for more information about domestic abuse in relationships.
      www.womensaid.org.uk

      You can also come to our live chat if you want to which we run every Mon- Fri from 5-7pm to talk more.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 21/01/2014

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Results: 420 - 435 of 2107

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