HAVE YOUR SAY
Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships
If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board.
The chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.
Seen the ads? What do you think?
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Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?
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Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?
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Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you've got something to say about abuse in relationships then you'll need to accept our terms before you can take part - please see our rules on the right side of the page. You can then enter your comments below or under any video you want to talk about.
charley
14/12/2012
Me and my ex boyfriend were having sex. He started gettin really rough and pushing my head into the bed. When I asked him to stop he told me to shut up and wouldn't stop. It really hurt and even though I'd told him to stop he carried on.
Afterwards I was bleeding and upset but he just said he didn't realise I didn't like it. Is this rape even though we were in a relationship at the time? It really upsets me when I think about it and feeel stupid because he was my boyfiriend and I stayed with him for ages after that.
charley - 14/12/2012
ReplyHi Charley
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If this has happened to you, try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
Jessica.
14/12/2012
i have this friend who's a boy, he is my ex but now were just friends as i wasn't coping with this realastionship at the time. He is very clingy towards me and doesnt like me doing what he doesn't want. i lost my viginity to him however i didnt want too once he got started.
He asked me at first i was okay but then i felt peer pressured and knew this wasnt what i wanted but when i said stop he didnt, he told me to wait there and carried on eventhough i tried to push him off and even nipped the back of his neck to stop.
He tried to get me to do stuff with him that i didnt want to by shoving his privates in my face which hurt alot because he didnt respect my wishes. He nearly got me pregnant, i go for a scan on the 27th to see if i am..I'm not sure what to do because i never ever thought he would do this to me? he used to care so much and was their when i was going through a tough time.
But ever since, he doesnt like if he doesnt get what he wants. he drags me around like a little doll forcing me to kiss him and hug him the lot. i just dont know what to do becauase i dont want anyting to do with him but he doesnt take no as an answer:/
Jessica. - 14/12/2012
ReplyHI Jessica
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.
adeneye
14/12/2012
If u have a girlfriend and u really takecare of her in most of her needs and u request to have sex with her and she refuse knowing to u that she have sex else where and she always tell u to wait for the wedding night.
You later decide to sex her by force " is that a rape ".
adeneye - 14/12/2012
ReplyHi adeneye,
Thank you for posting.
It does not matter if you are in a relationship with someone or if they are a stranger. When you make someone do something they do not want to do, it means they are not consenting and it is rape.
It also does not matter if they start out by saying yes and then change their mind.
It is also never OK to make someone feel bad if they don't want to have sex as this is a form of emotional abuse.
Clare
14/12/2012
I am quite worried about this ad. Although I understand what it is trying to achieve, people who have been through rape and watch these ads are at a huge risk of being triggered into the horrid feelings and flashbacks that come with the trauma of abuse. One of my friends watched an ad during a TV show - she had been raped and found the advert extremely distressing and triggering.
I feel that these ads should at least come with a prior warning before shown, because they have real potential to harm those who have been abused. They are hardhitting, but are so graphic that even as someone who has not been abused in such a horrid way, I find it incredibly distressing to watch. I cannot imagine the memories that this may stir.
Clare - 14/12/2012
ReplyHI Clare
Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.
Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.
Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.
The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.
We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.
Emma
13/12/2012
I have recently seen an advert several times on 4OD. I am shocked that in the process of making the advert, nobody stopped to consider the devastating effect that such an advert might have on victims of rape and sexual assault.
After being raped as a child I currently have PTSD and severe major depression, often including suicidal thoughts. Viewing material such as that in your advert can provoke those thoughts to become a lot more intense and for me to become a danger to myself, and I know that this is also true for other survivors of assault and rape.
Much as I fully agree with the general statement that you are trying to convey (that non-consensual sex is still rape, even if it occurs within a relationship), there are three reasons why I think that this incredibly damaging advert should not be used as a method of doing this, and should be removed from airing immediately.
1. It's can be extremely triggering for survivors of rape and sexual assault, and this can be incredibly dangerous and have potentially devastating consequences.
2. It gives the wrong message. It basically says "don't rape; you might feel bad afterwards". That's not really the point.
3. I can't see it actually affecting any potential rapists/abusers, or stopping them from hurting people. At least, any effect it has in this would be far outweighed by the damage it causes to those of us who have been raped or assaulted.
Given that we have already experienced some pretty horrific events, it seems incredibly unfair that an organisation aiming to help could continue to display an advert which causes so many of us such intense distress.
I hope that you will take this comment into account and adjust the way that you try to get across this important message, to increase its effectiveness against perpetrators and decrease the chances of hurting the very people who you are trying to help.
Emma - 13/12/2012
ReplyHi Emma
Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.
Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.
Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.
The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.
We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.
pauline
13/12/2012
I met a friend of a friend whom i was introduced to online at 17 yrs of age. I lost my virginity to this man by sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night. eventually between my exams and late night fumbles i had to choose as i was exhausted. i didnt love him or even like him that much so i decided that i would break it off so i was able to go to school in the mornings.
The night i decided to break it off but he kept kissing me...i told him i didnt want to kiss..i didnt want to hug or anything else. he kept pushing and pushing until he was on top of me. i was frozen...unable to push him off as he was holding me down. Tears fell from my eyes but he did not notice. Afterwards I was so upset but i did not know why. i did not even realise this was rape until about a month later when i told a friend. I did not report it because of the embarrasment of sneaking out of my home and meeting someone from online. It has now been 11 years, i still think about it and wish it never happened but more so, i wish it never to happens to anyone else and for everyone to be wiser and safer than i was. x
pauline - 13/12/2012
ReplyHI Pauline
We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
anon
13/12/2012
please can you stop putting the advert up, it reminds me of my ex boyfriend. He kept wanting sex, i kept saying no but one day he forced me into it and i even cried. I left him a week later, now when i look in the mirror i think of how i got used and does that make me a bad person because im not married?
It makes me cry on a daily basis. I dont know if God will forgive me even though i didnt want to. my life has never been the same.The adverts make me very emotional
anon - 13/12/2012
ReplyHI Anon
Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.
Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.
Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.
The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.
We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.
Jeanette
13/12/2012
I love the recent advert of a man looking at his actions to recognise it is rape. This is also helpful to women who are led to feel that if the man does not feel he has raped, then maybe he hasn't ....
Jeanette - 13/12/2012
ReplyChocho
13/12/2012
Hi, im 13. ive got an amazing boyfriend but ive had some pretty bad relationships in the past.
I know people think 'oh shes 13, she doesnt know what a bad relationship's like', but i actually do. My first boyfriend was obsessed with touching and kissing me, and i didnt like it. But i didnt do anything to stop him because i was scared. Even if i wanted to report it as sexual assault, i couldnt because hes under 16, but the fact i let him meant i couldnt.
But with my new boyfriend, i love him and he says he loves me, we are both generally shy people, but recently hes been very.... involved. He wants to kiss and touch all the time and i reallly dont want a repeat of my first relationship. Im really close with this guy and i know he wont let it go far, but i dont think he understands no. I try to say no if i dont feel like doing something, but i end up doing it to make him happy. Also, what is and isnt illegal to do in a relationship where both people are under 16.
Chocho - 13/12/2012
ReplyHi Choco
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.
Annon
13/12/2012
Hey
I just wanted to say that your advert is so ridiculous. Your being really rather sexist and making guys out to be huge pigs and rapists, change your AD because you not being fair.
Annon - 13/12/2012
ReplyHI Annon
Thanks for your feedback. We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.
We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU
We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp
bethanie
13/12/2012
mines a question? me and my ex were lying down on his sofa and he's put his hands down my trousers and i said no but he continued to do so i feel uncomfortable and another time he did other stuff and i didn't feel right doing it i said no but he continued i don't know what to do?
the relationship is over and im glad but we used to argue 24/7 :( now i feel really insicure about myself
bethanie - 13/12/2012
ReplyHi Bethanie, thanks for sharing your story.
We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable and is a crime.
Understand that this was not your fault and you have no reason to feel insecure. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there to help you move on.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helplineto talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
Nicky
13/12/2012
Hi, i was out with friends and at a hotel room a guy kept trying to grope and touch me even though i kept saying no and it was obvious i was panicked. I sat up to leave and he forced me back down and said this was happening. I managed to get out after hitting him, was this attempted rape? I feel very scared after this happened and feel like i'm over dramatizing. But i can't stop thinking about it and my views on sex/relationships seems warped now.
Nicky - 13/12/2012
ReplyHi Nicky,
Thank you for posting.
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.
Nicole
13/12/2012
A guy who was out with me and some of my friends for a birthday party. Me and my friends went back to the boys hotel room for some sleep while the boys where at the casino.
When they came back the boy who hadn't spoken to me at all climbed into bed and tried to grope and kiss me. I panicked and kept saying no but wouldn't stop. He stopped for a bit and i tried to sleep to calm myself down and was woken up with him doing the same thing.
I sat up to catch a breath but pinned me down by my shoulders and said "no hen...this is happening." I flipped! I punched him in the face. Stand up for yourself! Scream and hit back!!! If i didn't...who knows what would have happened...
Nicole - 13/12/2012
ReplyYour advise is really helpful! I am really gad that you are ok now. You are also very lucky. I hope nothing ever happens to you again. xx
Lola - 05/01/2013
alias
13/12/2012
There is nowhere for people to go when they have been raped, which is open 24x7 and the police dont want to upset their crime stats and shove it all under the carpet
alias - 13/12/2012
ReplyAnastasia
12/12/2012
PLEASE STOP THIS COMMERCIAL,IT REMINDS ME OF WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.
He is a drugs gangster ,he was out early on probation and he is still a free man.
Don't understand why they let him go
Anastasia - 12/12/2012
ReplyHi Anastasia,
Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.
Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.
Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.
The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.
We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.