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This is ABUSE

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Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

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Results: 420 - 435 of 2116

  • Char

    22/01/2014

    Hi I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 38. Because of the big age gap, some of my family don't speak to me. We've been together for 2 years and for most of the relationship, we've not been getting on so great. He's had a few bad relationships in the past, so I think he's just protecting himself, but he says really horrible things to me like "don't ever let me catch you cheating or will chop your hands off" and tells his family and friends I don't do anything for him or help financially. I work and he doesn't. I do all the housework too. And when I ask for help it kicks off and he says I should do it and if not then I can F off home to my mum and dads. He says that I can't stand him being right and calls me childish and other words. When he's around my family, he's personality changes and he goes back to the person I first met. He says he's always doing things for me but I can't see it. I've gone to leave a few times, but as I've been here for 2 years, I have no way of taking my things back to my mum and dads unless he drives me and he's threatened to bin the lot. He says if I leave, it doesn't matter because he has what he needs already. I don't have any friends anymore as he says they try to bring me down because they're jealous. There is a nice side to him too, but depending on his mood I have to be careful with what I say

    Char - 22/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Char,

      It sounds like a really horrible relationship and I'm really glad you've come forward to talk about it. It sounds like your boyfriend is really abusive towards you and it seems like an unhappy relationship.

      There is no reason to stay in an unhappy relationship, and it seems like this one just keeps getting worse. I understand that there will be times when he is nice, but like you said for the time you have been together most of it has been unhappy.

      I can't stress enough that material things are nowhere near as important as your happiness and your safety. I appreciate that you feel isolated, but could you ask your parents to come and pick you and your stuff up whilst he is out? If that's not possible then you might have to leave a lot of your things there.

      It might be helpful to get in contact with your local domestic abuse service to see if they can offer you any support, you can find them on Google or on the Women's Aid website, www.womensaid.org.uk

      I'm really glad that you have reached out for support at this time, I think it's really important that you now follow your instincts.

      If you would like to talk more about what is happening then please do contact the national helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 25/01/2014

  • Laur

    22/01/2014

    It's non of my business but I'm worried about my friends relationship, she wanted to meet her boyfriends friends and he took her to a works party, she got in a mood with him and gets jelaous when he is on his phone even to family, then moans he always wants sex when she doesn't but taking it out on friends!

    Laur - 22/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Laur,

      It can be really difficult when we believe someone who is close to us is in an abusive relationship. Does your friend acknowledge that there are aspects of her relationship that are unhealthy?

      In this situation your friend has to decide whether she wants to address the situation or not. She has to do this at her own pace, but she would probably like a supportive friend to turn to. It might be helpful to show her this sight and the Women's Aid website, www.womensaid.org.uk to help her start to recognise what is taking place, and also to ensure that she is as safe as possible.

      If she wants to talk about what is happening, or you would like some advice on the situation you are both able to call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      It must be a tough time for you, but it will also be really tough for her so try and be as supportive as possible, I understand that sometimes this can be frustrating.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 25/01/2014

  • Gerry

    22/01/2014

    My relationship with my husband is over. That is clear to both of us, but he won't leave our housing association home, it's in his name too, we have two 19 year olds still living at home. He is a fantasist, a compulsive liar, a narcissist, and a control freak, with a selective memory. The trouble is we have been living on his low income of Ã

    Gerry - 22/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Gerry,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It seems like only part of your message has posted, so I hope this reply is appropriate.

      There are a few options available to you. Firstly, it might be helpful to talk to your housing officer at the Housing Association around options they can give you. It is a difficult situation because you both have an equal right to be there, but your housing officer may be able to assist.

      The other option is to look in to taking out an Occupation Order. This is a Court Order to force him to leave the property. There is more information on this order on the following website; http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330002

      It might be really helpful to read trough the information given above and decide what you want to do next.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 25/01/2014

  • Kelly

    22/01/2014

    My ex + father of my two kids controlled my life a lot till I got strong enough to leave him. He knocked me out twice after our break up after seeing me pull up in a car with a boy I no I obviously still have contact with him because of my children. He seems to make up these stories about me sleeping with someone else keeps saying his getting messages from someone telling him Info. I was seeing someone else but I no he is lying about what he is saying. His accused me of making 2 sex tapes His also sent me a sex tape accusing it of being me and you can't even see the girls face. He rings or texts a lot accusing me of all sorts. But then when I think to take some action into what his doing he changes an seems better. I don't have feelings for him. At all but there is a fear and I'm not sure of what that is. If I ignore him I heat up and and panik. He tells me one of my friends is telling him stuff. And he makes up a longgggg list of people saying 'this person heard this and they no her and she noes him and they told me' sort of thing. I am so lost as what to do coz it's not just me in the equation I have my two kids aswell. And also he knows where I live so he might just turn up again ....

    Kelly - 22/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Kelly,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like it's quite tough for you. I'm really glad that you are out of the abusive relationship, but having children together does mean that there will always be a tie to him.

      There are lots of options available if you don't want contact with him though, for example you could leave the children with a family member or friend for him to pick them up from instead of taking them directly to him. If no one is willing to do this then you could use a Children's Centre or a Contact Centre.

      From what you have said I think it would be really helpful for you to get some support from your local domestic violence service, you could find this on Google, or on the Women's Aid website, www.womensaid.org.uk. I think it would be really helpful for you at the moment to get some ongoing support to make sure that you are staying safe. Especially as some of his behaviour seems very violent.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 24/01/2014

  • Liam

    22/01/2014

    Hello my names Liam, I am 17 years old and I am currently in a 6 month relationship. I've been through a lot with my family in the past 6 months, therefore living with my girlfriend for the past 3 of those. We both find this is not a strain on our relationship as we both enjoy living with each other. Although i find myself with a underlying problem that myself and my girlfriend are noticing. I am verbally abusive towards her at times. I control her when she wants to go out with her friends and also what she wants to wear. I check her phone sometimes and i have told her she cannot 'tweet' people back and to unfollow certain people or other boys in general. This causes many arguments and i get very verbally abusive in these arguments such as swearing at her and calling her awful names. I have attended two counselling sessions at my college at the end of 2013, they didn't seem to help much and i am only at college 2 days a week therefore it's not much of a help. This problem seems to be tearing us apart and although people say 'maybe it is because you are living together', we've both agreed it isn't as we enjoy eachothers company and rarely even get sick of eachother, apart from these arguments. I know i can trust her deep down but there will always be something in the back of my mind as people have shown me i cannot trust them such as family members and past relationships so therefore I have really bad trust issues. I also find myself being unappreciative of what her family and herself do for me as they do a lot. I get really angry as i feel like i cannot help to be this way i feel like i am set in my ways and i feel like i have to be like this to stop me from getting hurt. Me and my girlfriend have taken the time to sit here and both write this out together cause I would really like to change the way i am for the better and to save our relationship as she means the world to me and i would be nothing without her. Please give me some advice or point me in the right direction in how to resolve this problem. Thankyou very much I hope you get into contact very soon.

    Liam.

    Liam - 22/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Liam,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like quite a tough situation and I'm really glad that you are looking at getting some help.

      It is really important that you understand that you are the only person that can change your behaviour, and what you have said is based on your thoughts and feelings. You are not behaving this way to anybody else, other family members or friends, you are only choosing to behave this way towards her.

      There is a service clued Respect which advises men and women who are using abuse against their partners. I think it would be helpful to read through the information on their website, www.respectphoneline.org.uk, and you can also call them on 0808 802 4040.

      It's a really good sign that you can acknowledge what has happened as an issues, so best of luck trying to address is.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 24/01/2014

  • Mee

    22/01/2014

    My husband is scaring me, he shouts at me all the time, he wud never physically hurt me bt i bruise easily n he doesnt realise that, he threatens to leave all the time when i catch him chattin up girls so i wud be im sorry, he always chatting to girls but im not allowed friend, im not allowed to msg people, he even checks my phone bill, he keeps my wages and gives me Ã

    Mee - 22/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Mee,

      It sounds like your partner is very controlling, and that must make life really difficult for you. I'm glad you've come forward to talk about this. It seems like your message may have stopped half way through, so do feel free to post another response.

      You said that your partner has never hit you, but it seems like he might have used some force for you to say that you bruise easily. It is never acceptable to use any force against another, that includes grabbing or pushing.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to someone about what is happening. We are running live chat sessions on the website from 5pm-7pm Monday to Friday or you can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 24/01/2014

  • Niamh

    22/01/2014

    i have been with this guy on and off for 4 years when we got together it started great but then went down hill he cheated on me we broke up but he started to text me and mail me on facebook asking and begging for me back so i took him back and forgive him but i couldnt trust him all he wanted from me was sex every time but sometimes i didnt want to do it but he kept pressuring me so i did it because i loved him then ex girl friend came to a party where me and him were he started to flirt with her it got me so annoyed he then slept with her while i was with him once he had done it with her i shouted and cursed at him he was calling me a skank and other names i tried to him but i missed he then hit me by choking me hitting me on the head pushed me to the floor i went home i cried this guy still wants to keep in contact with me but were only friends and he still wants sex i have sent him dirty pictures cause i loved him so much i want him to leave me alone but i cant think of not talking to him even still when i say im talking to a mate he askes what mate he always asks who am i with i have took an overdose because he cheated lied and grabbed me by the hair and threw me out in the snow he plays girls off and makes me feel crap but he still means the world to me i dont know if this is abuse but could you help and tell me what to do cause i am suffering of depression by the way he treated me i dont know if i would get back in relationship with him its way to hard for me

    Niamh - 22/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Niamh,

      It sounds like it was a really volatile relationship that you are better off out of. It seems like the problem that you have at the moment is that there hasn't been a clear break between you and him.

      It really sounds like you would benefit from accessing some support locally. You can find your local service on the Women's Aid website http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080006§ionTitle=Find+help+locally and they may be able to offer you emotional support.

      It may also be helpful to talk to your GP about how you are feeling at the moment, he may suggest antidepressants, but you are also entitled to 6 counselling sessions on the NHS.

      If you would like to talk to someone about how you are feeling at the moment then you can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 24/01/2014

  • lucy

    22/01/2014

    I was in a rough relationship for 10 months, my boyfriend wel fiance used to tell me he loved me and I believed him bht I couldnt see what he was doing he was manipulating me into doing things for him, from getting him a drink to sex acts. Im so ashamed ow to thinkmi nelieved him not only that he would throw me across the rom, accuse memof cheating on him all day everyday ans even make up storiesmof where id been when who with and what id done, he was sickmin the head and imcoukdnt see it, not only did he make me fall oyt with every single friend I had but my family too, its been 3 momths since I split up with him and im only just getting my family back! He never loved me, was just out to get what he wanted, this isnt even a quarter of what he put me through! Im so ashamed to thinkni went along with his lies and manipulation he even acfused me of cgeating on him with my own family! The guy disgusts me but I couldt see it! Im si gkad ive seen sense I just dont want to get into the same situation again. Im still struggling to get over it all im stilo jot in cibtact with my dad ive notvspoken to him for 6 months and its killing me, I need to get some help wuth deaking with what hes done I just dont kniw where to get it.

    lucy - 22/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lucy,

      Thanks for getting in contact. I'm really glad that you are out of a very abusive relationship from what you have said. This can be a really difficult time for many people, and often when people feel more vulnerable and return back to their abuser.

      It sounds like you would really benefit from getting help from your local domestic abuse service. They do work with women where the abusive relationship is over, and may be able to assist you in addressing some of the issues you are left with. You can find these on Google, or on the Women's Aid website. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080006§ionTitle=Find+help+locally

      None of the behaviour you listed in your post was acceptable, and nobody should make you do something you don't want to do. And it is never acceptable to use violence or force.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 24/01/2014

  • Katy

    21/01/2014

    My sister just broke up with her boyfriend after our parents found out that he had been calling to her work (in a bar) after it had closed, drunk, banging on the shutters and calling for her to come out. She almost lost her job. Then they had an argument and he smashed up her car. He hasnt got a job and doesnt study. He does nothing but drink with his friends and play video games. Despite my dad threatening to get a restraining order, my sister is still texting him and we suspect shes meeting him in secret. How can we make her see that this is an abusive relationship and he is no good? She is finishing school and thinking about uni, I worry he will drag her down, but she refuses to acknowledge what he did was unforgivable and the next thing he hits could be her, she just keeps making excuses for him. We are at a loss as to how to make her see sense!

    Katy - 21/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Katy,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It is a really difficult situation to see someone we love experiencing abuse from another.

      The difficulty in this situation is that you can't force her to acknowledge the abuse that is happening, she has to see it in her own time. It might be helpful to take some information off the Women's Aid website and the Refuge website, for example this page talks about spotting warning signs, http://refuge.org.uk/what-we-do/campaigns/early-warning-signs/.

      It seems like your sister still wants to be with him, and it is a concern that even after he has smashed up her car that she still does not see the risk. Your Dad could take out a Non-Molestation Order so he can't come near your home, but it seems like she would meet him elsewhere if this were in place.

      I'm sorry the advice I have given probably isn't anything new. I think the best thing that you can do at the moment is be there for her so when she is ready to do something about this she has the support of your family.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 24/01/2014

  • Frankie

    21/01/2014

    I don't know if my circumstances would be classed as being in an abusive relationship or not, I have recently realised more and more that something isn't right. I have only been in three relationships, two of which were very loving and caring and secure, but ended mutually and I was on good terms with both ex partners. In this current relationship however I feel as if I am not an equal but instead that I should be grateful to him for being with me, I have only now begun to realise that from the start he has had all the power in this relationship. We meet when he has time, we call when he has time, we both have busy work schedules but I feel as if I'm now starting to loose friends and family and hobbies so I can always stay available for him. If he calls and I don't answer, he leaves voicemails that use phrases like being neglected or too busy for me. If I call first the response is that I'm harassing him. I feel the only time he I'd happy is when I'm doing things to please him or constantly spending money on luxury items to make him happy. He made me remove his friends from Facebook because they are his friends and I'm moving their attention towards me, now they like me more than they like him. He liked to publicly exert his authority over me by telling me when I can and can't speak. Besides all this he is nice to me, has never called me fat or ugly, in fact says things like you look good even without make up, ends all conversations with love you loads and gets upset of I don't say it too. He has been physically abusive in his past relationship and was prosecuted for this, I don't want that past to cloud my judgement am I just being paranoid?

    Frankie - 21/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Frankie
      Thank you for your message, I am really glad you got in touch. It does sounds like your boyfriend is being very controlling and emotionally abusive. It also concerns me that he has been prosecuted for abuse before, as unfortunately people do not usually change unless they have the right support and are willing to recognise their behaviour as being abusive and take responsibility for it.

      I don't think you are being paranoid at all, you are doing the right thing in asking for help. I hear how he is starting to isolate you from people who can help you and this is worrying. Is there anyone you can talk to? A family member or friend? Someone at work? You can also ring the helpline on 0800 2000 247.

      You can also come to our live chat session every mon-fri between 5-7pm if you want to talk more. It is important to take this seriously and to trust your instincts. You know what a happy and healthy relationship is like and that this is not like that.

      If you do want to leave him, there is lots of support to help you do that safely. This is why it is important that other people know what has been happening.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2014

  • Millie

    21/01/2014

    I was watching MTV when this advert caught my eye, my bestfriend is in this position, whenever we meet he tells her she has to be home before 7pm, and if she isn't he'd start calling her names and accusing her of meeting boys, he'd check what she would wear and she isn't allowed to wear vest tops to go out in, he tells her she isn't allowed snapchat, Facebook and me and her aren't allowed to meet anymore as he doesn't like me, he made her chose him over me, hes so protective I feel really sorry for her but she never listens

    Millie - 21/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Millie
      Your friend is really lucky to have you watching out for her. It sounds like her boyfriend is being very controlling and that is very unhealthy in a relationship.

      This is a leaflet about how to help your friends if you are worried they are in an abusive relationship:
      http://www.avaproject.org.uk/media/54339/mates%20ava%20final.pdf

      Do you see her at school? Maybe you can show her this site, it may help her to recognise what is happening but also to be reassured that there is help. Maybe you could also talk to a teacher at school, or another adult at home? They will be able to help you as well. It is important that people know what has been going on.

      It's really good that you are there for your friend, it can be hard when it feels like she doesn't listen but there will be lots of reasons for that and she may be scared. It is good to get support yourself too as it can be hard worrying about someone. Please do try and tell someone,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2014

  • emmalouise

    21/01/2014

    I was in an abusive relationship & didn't realise it till it was over & it took therapy for me to accept that's what it was. I am the type of person who if on other side seeing or hearing what my friend going threw I would be the first to say leave, get out! But when you are the one in it you make excuses for the person you love unconditionally & they so how manage twist the situation so that you end up taking the blame and begging for forgiveness. Crazy but true. I also wasn't aware that abuse was not just physical, I was pushed and grabbed but never hit or hurt so felt it wasn't abuse until my Dr told me otherwise, I was mentally abused and its scary and extremely hard to recover from. I lost all self respect and wasn't strong enough to leave, he left me thankfully, it hurt so much I suffered extreme depression & anxiety attacks and was put on two types of medication, one year on still on meds been threw successful round of CBT therapy and slowly rebuilding my self confidence & life. I found the best way forward was to be 100% open & honest about what im going threw. I used Facebook as my outlet and voiced my voice, unlike just written feelings I found by posting them and getting supportive replys was the key to my recovery, it felt like venting was offloading! I learned to be more positive in life and with the huge support from taking it out I got I now never feel alone in this world. If I can do it so can you.

    emmalouise - 21/01/2014

    Reply
    • HI EmmaLouise

      Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You are right, it can be really hard to recognise abuse in your own relationship - especially when it is emotional abuse. I am glad that your doctor helped you. It is great that therapy has helped and that you found your own way to cope and deal with the trauma. It can take a long time to recover from abuse, so do ask for more help if you need to.
      Good luck for the future!
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2014

  • Des

    21/01/2014

    Hi. Although I find it a great thing what you did there, I just have to say, "if you loved me you would"?! No, that's not abuse, please don't say that. I personally some people say that *because* they feel the relationship isn't real, and they hurt. They're not trying, necessarily, to emotionally manipulate the other into doing whatever it is they're arguing about.

    Des - 21/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Des,

      Thanks for your comment. I think it's really worth considering why we would ever say, 'you'd do it if you loved me.' What does this achieve?

      I think there are so many more ways that we can express our feelings. It can sound really basic, but it's makes a lot of sense to use 'I feel...' statements. For example, when you behave like that it makes me feel sad, or like you're not listening. There are so many other ways that we can express how we feel without making someone feel that they have to do something in order to prove that they love us.

      If you would like to talk about this a little more then you are welcome to contact the Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2014

  • michelle

    21/01/2014

    im so pleased you are exposing abuse in relationships - especially emotional abuse which is the kind of abuse that so often cannot be seen in the same way physical abuse can be seen ie no black eyes...its just that your heart gets stabbed with every destructive word that is spoken to you or shouted at you and its just that your nerves jangle everytime you know he's going to 'lose it again'. thank you for starting the awareness of how many people are suffering silently and misunderstood.
    we should all be respected and treated kindly when we are in relationship with someone.
    stop messing with out heads and hearts is my message to any abuser....please understand we ALL have feelings not just you so please be sensitive - get it?
    also....one more thing...the vids show young couples,but its every couple who can be abused. couples in their 30's, 40's and 50's plus. Please be strong people CALL IT OUT - OUT OF BOUNDS to abuse. Godbless You xxx

    michelle - 21/01/2014

    Reply
  • channy

    21/01/2014

    there's a boy 25 and im 17 he asks me for dirty pictures and when I say no he calls me names saying im unfair and other stuff, I feel pressurized but I say no to him and he also asks to meet and sends rude messages

    channy - 21/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Channy,

      Thanks for getting in contact, it's really important to know the following; If you’re pressuring someone to send you sexually explicit pictures (sexting), this is abusive and not normal. There are consequences – if you pressurise someone to send sexually explicit pictures you could get a reputation as an abuser. If you share the pictures and they go on the internet, this could affect your future education and employment as well as the person who took them. There are also consequences if that explicit image is shared without the victim’s knowledge or agreement. By sending indecent pictures of a person under 18 on to someone else you are breaking the law.

      THe NSPCC have some really helpful information on their website, it is aimed at parents but will be helpful to you too. http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/for-parents/talking-about-sex/sexting/sexting_wda96795.html

      Nobody should pressure you in to doing something you don't want to do, and I'm really glad that you have said no. If you want to talk to us a bit more about this then we are running live chat sessions Monday-Friday 5pm-7pm.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2014

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Results: 420 - 435 of 2116

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