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This is ABUSE

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Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board where you can talk to a trained advisor.

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An expert from Young People’s Services – AVA – is reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 420 - 435 of 2214

  • Christine


    My son is 17 and has been with his girlfriend on and off for the past 3 years, but more consistent the last year. We were led to believe she had a terrible time at home with her parents and left to live with a relation at 13, when this relation died she was going to become homeless and have to be put in temporary accommodation so we thought this was unfair and asked her to come and stay with us until things got sorted out. This situation opened our eyes and we became very aware of a very unhealthy relationship. To cut a long story short things became very difficult with her in our home and she moved out to stay with an aunt, but she frequently came to stay at our house which became very apparent to us that my son was not really allowed to do anything other than be with her. We overheard some hideous arguments with her screaming and shouting and accusing my son of cheating even though he never leaves the house unless it's to work or with her. We barred her from the house after this which has just made things even worse. She waits outside his work, she has bitten him, punched and scratched him and stood asking for him to hit her back so she can get him in trouble, she has locked him inside her house and won't let him leave, he is so not himself and doesn't really know what to do, she threatens to do all sorts and he feels completely trapped, she has manipulated our family and friend, pulling the wool over our eyes and plays the victim card very well, I'm just scared my son will crack under the strain or even worse this crazy person is going to physically seriously harm my child, any help or advice would be great fully appreciated

    Christine - 08/02/2014

    • Hi Christine,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It is really difficult to watch someone we love experience abuse, and it sounds like it has been traumatic for you.

      The issue is that he is the only person that can decide he wants to address this, and if he does then he might want to contact the Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327. They also have a lot of great information on their website, They have a 32 page booklet that you can download and print out, and It might be helpful to read through this with him.

      My concern is that none of this is probably being reported to the Police, and if something were to happen, or she were to make a false allegation then he won't have any evidence of the contrary, so that might be something to keep in mind.

      You are also welcome to call the helpline above to talk about what is going on, and to find out what options are available for your son.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 09/02/2014

  • Charlotte


    My boyfriend has always had a online porn addiction he stopped watching the DVDs when he got a context phone I told him it made me feel not good enough and he continued to do it and try to hide it, he then joined facebook and added only girls with big boobs and pictures of then in there underwear and then would send them crude messages .ie I'm rubbing myself looking at your pictures, I caught him we broke up he begged me to give him another chance, I did this was 2 years ago, we broke up a year ago due to too much arguing and he begged me for another chance after faking suicide to emotionally blackmail me, he said give me till Christmas to prove he can stop going on facebook and I caught him 2 weeks before Christmas sending messages commenting on pictures sending pictures of himself to loads of girls, he begged me for another chance I gave him another chance and just found out his doing it again, we have got 4 children together and we are both on the tenancy I know this is mental abuse, he tells me it's only chatting and he would never cheat but that's not the point he makes me feel useless I did try to end my life 2 months ago but failed, I have no where to take the kids otherwise I would leave I need help

    Charlotte - 08/02/2014

    • Hi Charlotte,

      It sounds like a really horrible situation, nobody should be treated by their partner in this way, it is completely disrespectful.

      It must be scary feeling like you have nowhere to go, but there are services out there that can help. There is a really useful page here on what you can do if you want to leave.

      You other option is that you have him removed from the property by getting a Non-Molestation and Occupation Order and there is more about these orders here;

      There are lots of specialist services that can support you, and I hope it doesn't come to the point where you feel you have to take your life again. But it might be helpful to talk to your GP about how you are feeling at the moment. You can also talk to the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      I really hope you access some support, and that you feel strong enough to remove that man from your life, so that he can't cause you any more damage and upset.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 09/02/2014

  • Kate


    I'm not sure if I was raped, my boyfriend would have sex with me when I didn't want to, I would tell him no but he still done it and would get angry with me if I wasn't enjoying it, he would never wear a condom even tho I asked and would always make me finish him off even tho I told him ididnt want to, he would get angry and once pushed me coz I made him stop, I'm not sure if this was rape

    Kate - 08/02/2014

    • Hi Kate,

      Thanks for sharing your experience, it must have been horrible for you.

      Nobody has the right to have sex with you when you don't want to. If there is no consent then it is rape. And i'm really sorry you have had to experience this. If you want to talk to somebody about what happened then you can call Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.

      It must have been scary to be having unprotected sex, again this is your choice, and nobody should have unprotected sex with you without your consent.

      There are a lot of services out there that can offer you emotional support and advice, I really hope you contact the number above and access some support.

      What happened is not your fault, he chose to behave that way and he has to be accountable for his actions.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 09/02/2014

  • Sam


    Hi there, I'm a 21 year old gay male from Burnley, Lancashire.
    When I was 19 years old I had a long term relationship with a guy, who I didn't think of at the time without people constantly telling me that he was abusing me, I went through physical abuse with being hit by him and head butted, also emotional abuse, and sexual which entailed him having sexual intercourse with me which I didn't consent to also without a condom or lubrication. I sometimes have nightmares and I find it a little difficult to move on from it. I have never asked for any help from it but I feel now is the time to finally speak out and seek help to better myself
    I'm out of the relationship and have been for the last year or so.
    Could I get some help and support?

    Sam - 08/02/2014

    • Hi Sam,

      Thanks for getting in touch, and sharing your story. It must have been really tough for you. It seems like there was a really wide range of abuse that happened to you, and although you're out of the relationship now it is going to have an impact on your emotional wellbeing.

      There are services that you can access to address what is happening, There is a service that runs a dedicated helpline for information and support in Burnley from Mondays to Wednesdays 10am – 12pm:
      01772 900260. They may be able to put you in contact with some services that can offer you ongoing support.

      If you would like to talk about the sexual abuse that has taken place then you can contact Survivors UK on 0845 122 1201, they are a specific helpline for men who have experienced sexual abuse.

      You can also call the Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327, which is a helpline for men who have experienced violence or abuse.

      There is also a domestic abuse service that runs in Blackburn that may be able to offer you some emotional support. It is run by Women's Aid and offers services for men. Their helpline number is 0845 0777 088 (Mon-Fri 9-5pm)

      I really hope you access some support.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 09/02/2014

  • Kate Smith


    I believe that rape is something that can sometimes be thrown around too much and girls shy away from speaking up about things that have happened to them as they don't feel it was as serious as a rape incident. Sexual assault, no matter how serious is NEVER ok. I had an experience when I was 16 where I did things with my boyfriend that I didn't feel comfortable with. I didn't say I was uncomfortable but he could tell that I was and still went through with things. I felt like I couldn't say no, so I didn't. That is NOT ok though and it has been made clear to me, due to speaking to somebody on this site. I don't class what happened to me as rape because it wasn't sex. It is sexual assault though and I should have been able to say no. I was scared to speak about it because I knew it wasn't rape and it wasn't as serious as rape. However, it still wasn't ok. Girls should be able to speak about this kind of thing if they have had something happen to them because although they may not want to see a counsellor or a rape specialist, they might just want somebody to talk to. Rape and sexual assault is never ok girls, you are worth much more to be treated like that.

    Kate Smith - 07/02/2014

    • Thank you so much for this post Kate. I have only just begun to face up to the abuse in my marriage and am still struggling with the question, was this abuse, if i went along with it? I was constantly pressured into doing horrible things that I didn't want to, but this was over 5 years ago. I thought that because I had 'put up with it' that i only had myself to blame. I can remember putting my baby son to bed and getting texts from my husband on his way home telling me what he wanted me to do that night and drinking a couple of shots of neat vodka, not to get drunk, but to try and numb myself to tolerate it. I know now that this was NOT normal and was just one incident in 7 years of this kind of behaviour. I'm now starting to seek help. Your post helped me realise that just because you have tolerated it, doesn't mean it was ok.

      Jane Roberts - 08/02/2014

  • Lauren


    when i was 11 i met someone who was 15 he was nice and caring. He forced me to do things i didnt want to do i never got help but that was a long time ago. If your suffering get help.

    Lauren - 07/02/2014

    • Hi Lauren,

      hanks for sharing your experience. It must have been scary. Any sexual act with someone under the age of 16 is illegal, ans the acts the person forced you to do would be classed as sexual abuse or rape. You can still report this to the police if you wanted to, and there is a lot of information on reporting at

      I know you said it happened a long time ago, but there are still services that work with women and men who have been historic victims of sexual abuse, there is still support out there for you.

      You can contact Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999 to find out what services run in your local area.

      What happened was not your fault, and I really hope you access some support around this.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 07/02/2014

  • laura


    When i was 15 i met a boy who i thought was really nice and cared about me i didnt tell any of my family because he was 30 years old. He had been to prison before we met and assured me he had changed i loved him because at first he made me feel special. I never had a close relationship with my dad and i was sexually abused and raped at just 13. Before i met him i was in an abusive relationship which made me have very bad trust issues. He told me he would never hurt me or let anyone hurt me he didnt rush me into things but then after a while he starting turning nasty he threw things across the room and told me he could do much better than me and after a while he started to force himself onto me but i was scared if i told anyone i thought he raped me they would say i was lying and it wasnt rape because we were in a relationship. I have been stuggling to move on and i fear letting anyone in my life. Do you think because i was abused at such a young age il be trapped in vicious abusive relationships forever? I just cant see a light at the end of the tunnel.

    laura - 06/02/2014

  • Sara


    I have been separated from my ex for over 6 yrs now, and my daughter who is 10 has had emotional probs because of the breakdown. I have tried to keep contact with him for her sake, but he constantly calls me names, and is putting her down to me, and using my bad experiences with my own father to try and hurt me. I am very tired of it, and also am trying to get some protection of too much contact for my daughter. He has a very blinkered view, and loses his temper very easily, calling us stupid, fat etc. I keep away, and then trust him again, but its been goung on for too long. shall I cut all ties???

    Sara - 06/02/2014

    • Hello Sara

      Thank you for getting in touch with us. This sounds like a very harrowing experience fro you especially as you have the worry about the effect all of this has had on your daughter. Its good that she has you to look out for her and continue to try and shield her from the emotional abuse.

      i don't know what your arrangements are about the contact but it would be good to seek some legal advice. Another option would be to contact an organisation called Rights of women ( who offer a helpline with free legal advice and have a lot of experience around child contact arrangements and domestic violence. The helpline number is 0207 251 6577.It is often busy so you may need to be persistent. I am also attaching a handbook that may be useful

      Some areas also offer support groups for children who have been exposed to domestic violence to help children talk about what has helped and helped them express their feelings more. Often there is a part for mums to go to as well so they know what their child is doing in group. Something like this may help your daughter. If you contact the charity AVA ( Against violence and abuse ) on 0207 549 0274 they can tell you more about what might be available in your area.

      I hope that helps a little

      take care

      This is Abuse team 06/02/2014

  • anon


    I ve been with my bf for 3 years and have a son. We love each other so much but I do worry about how he acts. They're little things he does and probably doesnt realise ; he used to grab my phone out of my hands to check what I was doing saying 'who are you talking too?' , he called me names like one time we were walking on the street and I accidently made him buckle with my bag he snapped at me 'you stupid b****' OR I was helping him do the garden and wasnt fast enough so he called me a 'slow idiot' I've always stood my ground and told him when he's out of place. The thing I worry most is how he yells at me around his family, I have to tell him to keep his voice down. He puts me down by saying that I dont do enough also tells me that I have to change and threatens to leave me. He constantly acuses me of cheating on him and one day I gave him my brothers old phone and he rang me in rage saying there was an in appropriate picture of me on the phone (there wasnt, it was a pic of me and my son) and that I should explain myself orelse. He gets very upset when I leave without telling him talks in a very joking way when I return 'hows your boyfriend? I know you met up with someone,' etc

    it gets me upset because all of this too him would be normal behaviour and its his view on trust. I want to make him slowly understand

    anon - 06/02/2014

    • Hi,

      It seems that your partner is really controlling. It must be really tough for you. It also seems like he using a lot of verbal abuse towards you. Your relationship seems really unhealthy. It's really important to think about what your child is witnessing, and what you would like him to grow up thinking what a healthy, normal relationship is.

      I can imagine that you quite often feel like you are walking on eggshells when you are around him.

      His behaviour seems really unreasonable, and it must be quite scary, especially if you are trying to tend to a child as well. I think it would be really helpful to talk to someone a little bit more about what has been happening, and talk through your options. We are running a live chat service on the site Monday-Friday 5pm-7pm. You can also call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247, that's a 24 hour helpline.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 07/02/2014

  • stacey


    Hi i was 16 at the transtation were i was appruached by 2males,they were drinkin i was scared they wanted to me to go with them dwn nr the rail tracks as time went on all of a sudden i feel his hands around my neck police come from everywere becuase i was so lucky they were watchin the trains stations ctv,the next day i took an over dose becuase i felt i was dirty and no body would want to be with me,well thank god im still here i wld never ever take my life again,i got justice the lad had to go on sex affenders register,i wish that every1 cld get justice for there bad experience iv never been able to trust any man after that and now im 30 i feel the need to meet someone,but becuase of whats happend in the past im findin so hard to trust them,i just wana sete down with the rite person hopefully it will come in time from stacey

    stacey - 06/02/2014

    • Hi Stacey,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It must have been really scary for you, and I'm really glad that the two guys were punished for their behaviour.

      But no matter if someone is punished or not, it is still going to have an effect on your wellbeing, and I think it is really important for that to be addressed. It may have happened a long time ago, but those memories and feelings are still going to be there. I think it would be really helpful to look in to what therapies are available for you. Rape Crisis will be able to tell you what is available in your area. Their telephone number is 0808 802 9999.

      You might also want to speak to your GP about what happened. It is really important that you understand that what happened is not your fault. They chose to behave like that, there was nothing you could do about it. You were really brave, but it has left you with some emotional scars. I really hope you access some help.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 07/02/2014

  • James


    I'm a 40 year old man and I've come to the conclusion that I am in an abusive relationship.

    I've been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years and for the most part I've felt loved and respected by her (she is 35), but over the past 12 months I have been subjected to continual verbal and emotional abuse.

    My girlfriend has a very controlling nature to her personality which determines her every action and decision making process around us as a couple. When things are good we are a team, but when the slightest thing upsets her she takes it out on me and I feel exasperated and depressed by having to calm her down time and time again. This is practically weekly.

    She openly admits to reading my phone (because she feels justified to do so), but recently she has started to come between me and my friends and more alarmingly, my family.
    She has also been through all my drawers at home trying to find evidence of past relationships, and taken it upon herself to re-arrange my flat when I'm not there.

    I'm subjected to constant belittling, being spoken to like a child and chastised for not being in contact with her every hour of the day. I'm accused of not loving her enough if I don't contact her first thing in the morning for example. We don't live together (as she is a Christian), but I fear she suffers from some kind of acute separation anxiety and it actually makes me scared of her sometimes.

    When she drinks alcohol I'm often subjected to her vile temper and she lashes out at me - only in private though. She is non-violent at the moment, but I am deeply worried she may resort to more physical manifestations of her anger towards me.

    Right now it feels like I have to tolerate two versions of the same woman. One is sweet, loving, caring and in love with me. She wants to get married, settle down and have a family. However, her alter-ego is a nasty, spiteful and wholly controlling woman who has been chipping away at my self esteem and confidence for months.

    I don't know which way to turn next. I love her very much but I don't want to become a victim of her behaviour for the next 30 years.

    We have just started going for couple counselling, and already I'm afraid to bring all this out in the open in front of a neutral person. That's not right is it?

    Can anyone help me?

    James - 05/02/2014

    • Hi James,
      Thanks for your message, it is really good you are reaching out for some support. It sounds like you have been going through a really difficult time. All of the things you describe are forms of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. You must feel really overwhelmed and upset.

      The good news is there is support. You mentioned couples counselling. This is not something we would ever advise to do where there is abuse in the relationship as it is usually not safe to talk about it in front of the abusive person. It could make things more difficult when you leave the session.

      There is a brilliant oganisation who will really be able to help you:
      Monday - Friday 9am-5pm on freephone 0808 801 0327
      They will be able to listen and to give you advice and support.
      You do not have to deal with this alone. We also have a live chat every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk more.

      I hope this helps,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 06/02/2014

  • moe


    reading some of these messages im full of "run dont stay youd be mad to put up with that" then i turn my camera around and look at my own life its hard to contact anyone reguarding this because ive only seen it as his anger problem but now im starting to see its gone on for longer than i reolised........i didnt sign up for this and i cant get it through to him what he is doing i want HIM to get help even with me beside him if someone could explain what he is doing MAYBE he would see but atm when i tell him no matter how much glitter i stick to my comments he makes it out like im attacking him. all i see is my house the shop and my sons school. for 5 years. ive no friends he knows as weve been over it many times that we need to go out as im going crazy but off he goes with his mates and not a second though to me. im tired and hide in my room away from any chance of a confrontation. i think its him that needs help or is this abuse?? he told me for years i was ott and blew everything out of i?

    moe - 05/02/2014

    • Hi Moe
      Thank you for your message. It sounds like things are really difficult and your partner is being very abusive. It is great that you are reaching out for some support though. It also sounds like he has managed to isolate you from people who could help you. Do you have any family that you can talk to about this?
      Also, schools are good place to go to get support. You may be able to talk to someone at your son's school, or at least use the phone there to call the helpline. I think calling the national domestic violence helpline will be a good idea - they are open 24 hours a day on 0800 2000 247 and will be able to give you advice, If you did want to move to a refuge with your son, they can give you details of that.

      I know you are worried about finances and the mortgage, but you can also get support with that. The best people to talk to are Rights of Women -
      Call 020 7251 6577 (telephone) on Mondays 7pm-9pm, Tuesdays 7pm-9pm, Wednesday 7pm-9pm, Thursday 7pm-9pm and Fridays 12noon-2pm

      They can give you free legal advice and specialise in these issues.
      This website also has lots of info about finances and abuse:

      I hope all this info helps, you do not have to go through this alone, there is alot of support here for you and your son,

      take care

      This is Abuse team - 06/02/2014

  • Michelle


    I am 31 and meet my now ex fieance when i was 19 he was 37, we were together for 10-11 years. He was violent to me 3-4 times in our relationship starting with a kick in butt cheek to ending in punching, kicking, kicking me in the head and trying to poke my eyes out. I wasn't innocent in all this, I was violent to him to that nite to by pushing him to the floor n punching him on the face twice. I have pushed him before but never struck him till the nite he attacked me or re acted to my violence. It was a build up of past events eg flinging knifes at me,smacking me with chair and other things. I stayed with him for 2 weeks after what I call the FATAL NITE that I ended the relationship. I didn't want anyone to see me and i didn't want him to get in trouble with the law. About a year later after THAT NITE he got arrested in another matter. What I'm writtting about is that I still love him. I vist him in prison as a friend and I just can't let go and I don't understand why? I am waiting for counseling. I know what I need to do but I just can't walk away the now. Confused n lost anyone got any advice plz. Thanks to any1 reading this, if my problem is like yours plz read the reply i get and we can hopefully get a better understanding. x.

    Michelle - 05/02/2014

    • Hi Michelle

      Thanks for your message, it is really good that you are reaching out for help. It sounds like you experienced severe physical abuse in your relationship. I know you mentioned that you were also abusive and whilst there is never an excuse for abuse it sounds like you were acting in fear.
      You were with him for a very long time, and it is understandable that you will have feelings for him still. However, I also hear that you recognise what he did was abusive and wrong. I think that counselling will really help you so I am glad you are going to have some. Talking things through can really help.

      I am not sure how long he has left of his sentence but I would be very concerned about you returning to the relationship. Without support to take responsibility for his abusive behaviour and a real desire to change, it is unlikely that he will no longer be abusive.

      As I said, it is normal to still have feelings for someone and love is a very powerful emotion, but you have to prioritise your safety, and your happiness. Not all men will treat you like this, in fact it is the minority of men who are abusive. You deserve a relationships where you are loved and respected.

      This is a lovely organisation who provide counselling for women who have experienced abuse:

      You could also contact your local women's aid as they will have an outreach team who can talk to you and help you make sense of how you are feeling. We also have a live chat every mon-fri from 5-7pm.

      You do not have to deal with this alone, and it is really important to keep safe.
      I hope this helps.
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 06/02/2014

  • Jade


    I've been in a relationship for almost two years, in this time a lot has happened. I've worked since we have been together however he's hasn't which has been our main issue. He's 17 I'm 19 and he lives with my family and I who support him. However he can act so different when it's just him and myself. He moans a lot at me for going out or doing anything with him. I rarely see my friends because it's easier to stay in and not cause a row. People can see I've changed because of him but I feel I can't let him go. Some days I love to be around him others I can't stand him. I'm finding it hard to know what's normal and not.

    Jade - 04/02/2014

    • Hi Jade
      Thanks for your message. Sometimes it can be really hard to know what is abusive in a relationship. It must be much harder living with him as well. It is not ok for him to stop you going out and seeing your friends.
      Have a look at the relationship checklist on this page.

      It will help you to think about whether the relationship is healthy or not. You say he lives with you and your family? Are you family aware of what he can be like? It is important to tell people as it will help you cope and to keep you safe.

      If you are worried, have a look at the help pages on here or come to our live chats every mon-fri from 5-7pm.

      take care

      This is Abuse team - 06/02/2014

  • Amber


    i've been in a relationship i nkow its ended but people bully me even though that its endes i dont know whatt to do i am quite young and dont understand if you know how to sort out these bullies can you tell me.

    Amber - 04/02/2014

    • Hi Amber

      I am sorry to hear that you are being bullied. Is this bullying linked to your relationship?

      Bullying is really hard and no-one should have to go through it, but there is lots of help for you and I am really glad you have come here for support.

      The most important thing when you are being bullied is to tell people. This is the only way it will stop. I know it can be scary but people will be able to help you. Is there someone at school who you feel you can talk to? Perhaps a teacher, or nurse? Or maybe there is someone at home? The school will have a policy on bullying and should be able to help you.

      If you want to talk to a professional you could call childline on 0800 1111 and they can listen and give you some advice.

      You do not have to deal with this on your own. We also have a live chat here every day mon-fri from 5-7pm.

      I hope this helps
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 06/02/2014

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