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This is ABUSE

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An expert from Young People’s Services – AVA – is reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 375 - 390 of 2214

  • paige


    this boy ive been talking to this boy for a LONG time and he made me send him pictures and if i didnt he would get really angry and not talk to me for days so i kept sending them to him. he saved them onto his phone and we fell out. he has been sending these pictures to everyone and is now will not stop calling me and being horrible to me and i dont know what to do anymore my friends tell me what he is doing is wrong but its my fault as i send them to him what do i do:(

    paige - 19/02/2014

    • Hi Paige,
      Thank you for your message. I can hear how upsetting this is for you. You felt pressured into sending pictures to a person you thought you could trust and now he has used those pictures to hurt you. This is abuse and it is not ok and it is not your fault. You are not coping alone with this anymore.
      I don’t know how old you are, but do you have anyone you could talk to about this? Family or a teacher? This won’t go away on its own and you may need some support. You might want to look here for more information on what you can do to get help in this situation. You have been brave to cope alone with this so far without the support of your friends.

      We have a live chat from 5-7 on the site and you can speak to someone if you feel you like to discuss this more.

      Take care,

      This is Abuse team 21/02/2014

  • Milly


    I was in an abusive relationship when I was at school. He was 23. He started by changing the way I dressed and controlling who I spoke to. I wasn't allowed makeup if he wasn't with me. He cemented his control by forcing me to engage in sexual activity I was not ready for and didn't want. He also raped me. I was only with him for 7 months, which shows how quickly this type of thing can happen. After I managed to break free of him, he stalked me for years - the last time he tried to find me, it was 10 years after I escaped him. I am still scared of him and I am now in my 30s. I have seen the 'thisisabuse' campaign and it has brought things back to me - but it is so important that young women recognise abusive behaviour and get help as soon as they can. I wish this had been around when I was at school...

    Milly - 19/02/2014

    • Dear Milly,
      Thank you so much for sharing your story with people reading the site. You went through something very traumatic as teenager and I can hear how much this has affected you. What happened to you was abuse and rape and both are serious crimes. You have been really strong to post here.
      You say you are still frightened and it’s not surprising. You went through a lot over a very long period of time and this will have an effect on a person. Have you had any support for what you went through? If you have not had anyone to talk to about this I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis. They are confidential helpline and who work with women and girls who have experienced sexual violence. They will be able to talk with you about your experience and how this may be affecting you. You can reach them on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9:30pm).
      Thank you again for sharing your story and your comments on the campaign, we really appreciate it.
      Take care,

      This is Abuse team 21/02/2014

  • anonymous


    This is the first time I have spoken about this, I have been married for nearly 5 years with 2 children. It has only been in the past 2 years that my husbands behavior has changed dramatically although looking back he has always been controlling. I have no friends as he didn't like them and would mock them, I'm made to feel guilty about going out without him even if its just to the cinema with family. He can fall into a foul mood where he ignores me and the kids for sometimes a couple of weeks over something trivial, but will be happy and charming to others. He seems to be jealous of my close (motherly) relationship with the kids, and he tends to favor the youngest letting her get away with murder whereas the other can hardly breathe (they are both his). He has accused me in the past of cheating and I had to give up working because he made me feel bad about it. He will call me from work to see what I'm doing and if for some reason I don't pick, (i'm not hooked to my phone like him), he will call my mum to see where I am. I feel incredibly trapped and sometimes suffer from mild panic attacks, I don't leave the kids with him anymore, as once or twice he has lost his temper and thrown something. We hardly have a physical relationship as I can't think of him like that and only consent to keep the peace. Is it just me, please give me some advice

    anonymous - 19/02/2014

    • Hi Anonymous,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear just how much you are going through at the moment and how isolated you are in your situation. It takes a lot of strength to share what is happening and ask for support. You have done that here, you don’t have to cope with this alone.

      You mention a lot of things in your message that are really concerning. Your partner is being abusive, both emotionally and physically and trying to make you feel like it is your fault. What is happening is not your fault, your partner is choosing to act in the way that he does. You also say you don’t feel that you are able to leave the children with him as you feel that his temper means he is unsafe to stay alone with them, that too is concerning and shows that you are aware that his behaviour is not ok and is potentially dangerous.

      You have given up a lot to try to appease your husband and his controlling behaviour is getting worse by the sounds of what you write. You also say you are having panic attacks. Have you spoken to anyone about this – you are obviously suffering a great deal and you deserve some support. This might be something to discuss with your GP. It sounds like you are not feeling very safe in your relationship and I’m wondering how this is impacting on your health and your children? You have been very strong to cope so far with this abuse, but you may need to speak to someone about it.
      Have you discussed what is happening with anyone, family, friends or anyone else in your life? If you don’t feel you can talk about it with anyone you know you can call the 24 hour domestic violence helpline - you can reach them on 0800 2000 247. You can discuss with them your feelings and get advice that can help you decide what to do next. You can also look on this website for support in your area. You say you are consenting to sex only to keep the peace at home. That means that your consent is not really meaningful as you are having sex because you are frightened what will happen if you don’t. If you want to talk about this you can call Rape Crisis. They are confidential helpline and who work with women and girls who have experienced sexual violence. They will be able to talk with you about your experience and how this is affecting you, and what help is available to you to assist in your recovery. You can reach them on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9:30pm).
      We have a live chat from 5-7 on the site and you can speak to someone if you feel you like to discuss this more.
      Take care,

      This is Abuse team 21/02/2014

  • Anita


    I have been with my boyfriend for a year pretty much. At first i thought it was just him being moody and impatient, but now after so long i have realised what he is like. What's worse is that he always wins me back. He always goes off on a random mood and then ignores me, never helps me or cares for me. If i annoyed him just a little bit he starts insulting me, swearing at me and makes me feel like i am nothing to him. He has never hit me but his anger frightens me and has left me so scared of him. I am not the perfect gf either i have started arguments for no reason and ranted, but i dont think i ever deserved so much insults. He always comments on what i wear and whenever he is angry he says i am fat, ugly, spotty, black and then swears. Whenever i go out somewhere whether its with friends or family he still gets moody at me and starts being blunt and doesn't try with me. I have no idea what to do anymore because in the end i just get hurt all the time.

    Anita - 19/02/2014

    • Hi Anita

      Thanks for your message. It sounds like your boyfriend is being emotionally abusive and controlling. Even if he has not hit you, emotional abuse and the fear it create can be just as serious and concerning. This is unacceptable and must be very upsetting.

      Does anyone else know what has been happening? It will help to talk about it and will help to keep you safe. You need to decide if you want to be in a relationship with him still. I know it's a hard decision but you deserve love and respect and not all guys will treat you like this.

      We have a live chat session every mon-fri between 5-7pm if you want to talk to us more. There is some useful info here as well -

      take care

      This is Abuse team - 20/02/2014

  • Beata



    I don't know what to do, I have enough of my husband and all this situation.
    We have 3 years old boy I worry about him, he should be witness of if all.
    We can't talk anymore, the only way of communication is arguing. My husband is shouting at me all the time and swearing in the front of our son.
    We live in council house, we both working, my husband for National Minimum Wage, I am doing apprenticeship for Apprentice Minimum Wage.
    I have asked my husband few times to move away, he refused saying he can't save the money because he need to pay bills at current house. Unfortunately, that's true. I can't afford to live on my own, because of financial reason.

    For example, today on the morning; I ask my husband to help me dress up my son, he is going to the nursery ( we get help from tax credits). My son as every morning wasn't happy about early waking up, and has been moody. My husband start to dress him up in very bad way, shacking him etc. I shouted What you doing idiot? Then he hit me,( not strong but anyway) and start shouting never call me idiot you bitch etc. He was shouting my son was scared.
    I don't know what to do, my it's normal in some familes but I don't like it. Want to be safe with my son. I love him a lot he is everything for me.
    I want us to be happy, away of my husband.
    What I can do how I can help myself?

    Beata - 19/02/2014

    • Hi Beata
      I am really glad you got in touch. It sounds like things are really hard at home. The important thing is the safety of you and your son, the good news is there is help out there for you.

      In terms of the financial issues, this is a really useful leaflet -

      You can also contact a free legal helpline for advice about all of these issues. It is run by a brilliant team of female lawyers who are experts in domestic violence and family law:
      020 7251 6577 on Mondays 7pm-9pm, Tuesdays 7pm-9pm, Wednesday 7pm-9pm, Thursday 7pm-9pm and Fridays 12noon-2pm

      There will also be local support services - you can ring the national helpline on 0800 2000 247 or google the area where you live and 'domestic violence support services' to find out where they are.

      I hope this helps, you can always come to our live chat if you want to talk more - mon-fri between 5-7pm.

      take care

      This is Abuse team - 20/02/2014

  • Alice


    My boyfriend of three years sometimes blocks me out for his friends, when we're with them he'll be horrible to me or turn his back to me. He sometimes flirts with other girls then makes me feel bad about it by shouting at me and bringing up things from the past to make me shut up. He checks my phone from time to time and makes me feel paranoid. He argues with me over little things and makes me feel like he is going to break up with me if I say something to him that upsets me. Is this abuse?

    Alice - 18/02/2014

    • Hi Alice
      Yes, it does sound like your boyfriend is being quite controlling and emotionally abusive. It must be really hard for you.
      Does anyone else know what has been happening? it is important to tell people as it will help you to talk about it and can also keep you safe.
      There is some info here that may help:

      We also have a live chat here every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk to us more?

      You do not have to go through this alone,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 19/02/2014

  • Ellie


    I was with this lad for nearly 2 years, we had are up times and our down times which were pretty bad no gonna lie. We were so close, inseparable and did everything together, we did lose friends because we were so close which is a regret but we have the most amazing memories and picture perfect memories. Expect he wasn't very nice. In fact he is quite nasty, we controlled who I went out with and when and I couldn't really have any 'lad' friends expect it was fine for him to have multiple 'girl' friends, which when you asked anything out he would get really defeatable of them. The thought of him cheating did come across my mind and so I did ask and he ofcourse he said no and ot completely mad and flipped. Anyways I would be chosen over his 'girl' friends time after time! He'd check texts, make me feel as if I was to blame for everything, and in around November we split up because there was someone else. I was distort because I was head over heels in love with him. Anyway stupidly enough we got back together not long afterwards for about 2 weeks and there was sexual abuse once that time, which I don't think he meant, then it was called off again and I walked away. Recently he came back again and I gave him a chance, I told him to prove his love as such and he did and he had Valentines day planned and the night before he said to just to be friends. He'd lead me on all that time, while meeting up with all 'girl' friends and stuff. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much when I walk anyway and his around I can feel his stare and may other people have noticed it. I spoke to him today and ask whether it was time when I was shopping and he said it was, then told me to leave him alone and not to speak to him because he wanted to move on and now is saying he loves me and I'm everything to him? Simply I don't have a clue what to do, how do I move on.

    Ellie - 18/02/2014

    • Hi Ellie,
      Thank you for your message. It sounds as though this person has had a lot of control over you from the start of your relationship. He should have trusted you and felt secure enough to be happy that you had friends regardless if they were male or female. It also seems as though he has double standards that allows him to do the opposite of what he expects from you like having friends of the opposite sex.
      It sounds as though he doesn’t really know what he wants as he keeps changing his mind if he wants to be with you or not, this could also be a way of him keeping you hanging around. I understand that you love this person and that you will have shared some really happy times together. However you deserve to be in a healthy relationship where you feel unconditional love and are able to be friends and make decisions with whom or when you chose.
      It will take time for you to move on if this is what you really want. Why not start looking at what you want and putting yourself first. You could get in contact with old friends; find ways to fill in your free time like a hobby or something that benefits you. I would also suggest that you also speak to someone who can give advice and support on the abuse you have experienced, you could contact or call them on 0808 2000 247.
      We also have live chat sessions which are available Mon-Fri 5-7pm.
      Stay strong and take care

      This is Abuse team 19/02/2014

  • Chantelle


    I have spotted signs of my friend in an abusive relationship i have tried talking to her but she just blames her self all the time saying its her fault why her partener says horrible thing but teres also other signs of abuse i dont know what to do she wont listen to anyone

    Chantelle - 18/02/2014

    • Hi Chantelle,
      Thank you for getting in touch. You sound like a very good friend who is being very supportive. It is very common for people who are experiencing domestic abuse to blame themselves they can sometimes feel that they are the ones who need to change rather than their abusers.
      I know that you have tried speaking with your friend and it is really important that you continue offering her your support even if you start to feel frustrated or angry about what is happening. There are services available that can offer advice and support I would suggest your friend contacts or contact them on their freephone number 0808 2000 247.
      You or your friend can also visit our live chat sessions Mon-Fri 5-7pm.
      Keep offering support and take care

      This is Abuse team 19/02/2014

  • Fiona Taylor


    hi, ive been with my bf for a couple of years, and ive lost so many friends. (not all)
    but my friends never gave him a chance, he always tried to communicate with them and talk to them and try to get to know them, cause they were my friends, but they just kept having a go at him for no reason, which wasnt in the slightest nice at all. i know for one if thats how his friends were to me, id be extremly upset as he was with me.
    anyway i did try to ask them why they wouldnt talk to him or get to know him as i have spent pretty much half of my life getting to know their boyfriends or partners and spending time with the both of them.. ive seen what my bf said to them and it was just trying to be nice and get to know them,
    anyway they've done nothing but accuse him of abusing me.. hes done nothing but the sort... and it makes me so angry that my so called friends would label him to do this.
    i am no longer friends with these people and dont want to be in the future.
    i have my few good friends that ive grown up with who get on with my bf and wouldnt down him.
    seriously what gives them the right to do this.. before my relationship i thought our friendship was like a sister relationship i never thought it would end up like this. im sure im probably gossipied about a lot now and my boyfriend is probably seen as horrible, but hes never done anything!

    Fiona Taylor - 18/02/2014

    • Hi Fiona,

      Thank you for your message. It’s sad to hear that you have lost some friendships over their opinions on your boyfriend. Unfortunately when we start to take a relationship serious we can tend to focus more on our partner rather than our friends which can lead to others feeling pushed out. It sounds as though you have tried to introduce your boyfriend into your friendship circle which hasn’t been successful. However you do seem to have a good support network around you with friends who have known you for a long time so please don’t worry about other people gossiping.
      Feeling safe, respected and loved and being able to make decisions for yourself means you are in a healthy relationship.
      Remember everyone has opinions it is how we express our opinions that matter.
      Take care

      This is Abuse team 19/02/2014

  • Holly


    i'm in a psychological abusive relationship, and the worse part about that is the peer pressure to have sex and being emotional abused into doing it, how can I get help?

    Holly - 18/02/2014

    • Hi Holly,
      Thank you for your message.
      No one should feel pressured into having sex or engaging in sexual activities that makes them feel uncomfortable or fearful. You mention that you feel pressure from your peers, but many people wait until they are older or most importantly feel ready to have sex. Being forced or pressured into having sex is abuse and if you do not give consent then this is rape. Your partner should respect you full stop.
      I would suggest you contact for more information on domestic abuse. You can also contact the national domestic abuse helpline which is a freephone number 0808 2000 247.
      We also offer live chat sessions on this site Mon-Fri 5-7pm if you would like to chat with us.
      Take care

      This is Abuse team 18/02/2014

  • tom


    My girlfriend keeps raping me and I need helo and support

    tom - 17/02/2014

    • Hello Tom,
      Thank you for your message. I know that this must be very hard for you to share but talking to someone about what is happening is really important.
      You can speak in confidence by calling 0808 801 0327 which is a helpline for males or you can visit
      Take care

      This is Abuse team 18/02/2014

  • Mollie


    I am 20 years old now. When i was 12 i met this boy who i thought deserved my time. I was extremely young, did not know anything about sex. The only thing i knew was that it happened. One evening he forced me to have sex with him, I said no a few times but he was being seductive and persuasive to make it seem ok.

    I remember one time he said we were going for a walk. I was so happy at the time, thinking how lovely it all was. Until he stopped and made me get on the ground to have sex.

    I was extremely young at the time, i just wanted to please and thought it was normal. Looking back on it it makes me feel very upset and ashamed and embarrassed.
    I regret it so much and can't help but think about it quite a lot.
    It makes me feel very sad.

    Mollie - 17/02/2014

    • Hi Mollie

      I am so glad you got in touch, you have been carrying this around with you for so long now. It is really important that you get support to talk about what happened and to try to move on.

      What happened was in no way your fault, you were only 12 and legally not able to consent to sex or to emotionally understand what was happening to you. This person took advantage of that and raped you.

      Have you been able to talk to anyone about this? If you don't feel like you can talk to anyone you know, there is a brilliant organisation called rape crisis who can help, they speak to people every day who have been raped, many of whom were assaulted as children and are only now able to talk about it.
      freephone helpline - 0808 802 9999

      I think it would be a really good idea to contact them, they will listen and be able to support you. There may also be a local support group you could go to.

      I hope this helps
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 18/02/2014

  • Sarah


    I have been seeing a boy since October and its been nothing but trouble. My friend came to stay for the weekend and we went out, he constantly rang me and was checking up on me.
    I rang him to tell him about our night and he started asking me what boys I was with, it was only me and my friend at my house he didn't believe me so I tried to call it a day.
    He then rang me back threatening to kill himself saying he took a full tub of paracetemol.
    He did in fact do so, not once but twice.
    I feel stuck and know I shouldn't be with him but still am.
    My plan is to to join the army and I hope it works out.
    He's very paranoid, needs constant reassurance and check my phone when I'm asleep.
    People like this don't change....i'm in a rut and a bad one of that!
    He has also spoke to me so bad to the point where I've felt worthless...I felt numb waking up next to him.
    I'm 20 and fortunately have a supportive family and feel i'm capable of not staying.
    I just hope young girls out there relate to this post and are able to move on from negative relationships.
    It gets worse not better.

    Sarah - 17/02/2014

    • Hi Sarah

      Thank you for your message, it sounds like things have been really hard for you. What your boyfriend has been doing is emotional abuse and very controlling. It is not ok to check your phone or to check up on you and want to know who you are with.

      It must have been awful when he took an overdose, but this was not your fault or responsibility. Is he getting some support for how he feels? There is a really good organisation called papyrus who can help when people feel suicidal -

      It is great that you have a supportive family and that you are planning to leave the relationship. It's important to do this safely though - make sure you tell your family what you are planning. There are some tips here:

      You are right that abusive relationships often don't improve, but your life can improve and this is the start of that. It sounds like you have got some good plans. You can always come to our live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk more,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 18/02/2014

  • Isadora


    I think I've been sexually abused. I thought because I was drunk no one would listen to me, I don't know what to do. It was 8 months ago now.

    Isadora - 17/02/2014

    • Hi Isadora

      I am really sorry to hear about what happened to you. Rape and sexual assault are very serious and incredibly traumatic and can take a long time to heal from. It is really important that you get support and I can assure you that the fact you were drunk at the time will make no difference. What happened was not your fault and you drinking has got nothing to do with it.

      If you were drunk, then legally you are not able to give consent to sex - there is more info here and you can contact rape crisis for support. They are lovely and will listen and be able to advise you and tell you about local services:
      0808 802 9999

      You do not have to cope with this alone, and none of this was your fault.
      I hope this helps,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 18/02/2014

  • Ginny


    I was seeing a guy last year (but not in a proper relationship) and he filmed me without my knowledge during a sexual act. He then showed the video to lots of people in our year at school and I was wondering, is this abuse?

    Ginny - 16/02/2014

    • Hi Ginny
      Thanks for your message. I understand how upsetting this must be for you. Your boyfriend should never have broken your trust and shared that image, and in fact potentially could get in a lot of trouble for doing so if you are under 18.

      There is some good advice on this website and link here as well as a couple of films about this:
      If the image has been uploaded onto a social networking site like facebook you can contact them and ask them to remove it.

      Have you been able to talk to anyone about this? I hope your friends are being supportive. It may be a good idea to talk to an adult like a family member or a teacher to get some support..

      Take a look at the Think u know site as you may find it helpful.

      Take care


      This is Abuse team 17/02/2014

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Results: 375 - 390 of 2214

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