HAVE YOUR SAY
Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships
If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board.
The chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.
Seen the ads? What do you think?
-
Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?
-
-
-
-
Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
-
Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
-
Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?
-
Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?
-
Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you've got something to say about abuse in relationships then you'll need to accept our terms before you can take part - please see our rules on the right side of the page. You can then enter your comments below or under any video you want to talk about.
Tom
29/12/2012
Girl's can abuse as well a girl threatened to tell everyone that I beat her down and used her if I didn't have sex with her, I didn't have sex with her and she came through with her word.
I lost 90% of my friends everyone who believed her hurled abuse at me and I got beat up everyday for about a month.
people got bored. I tried to commit suicide twice.
People need to see and hear about that side of the abuse.
Tom - 29/12/2012
ReplyPeople know, lots of people the school has me in for counselling but it doesn't work.
I still feel the pain if I ever see her or any of my old friends, and considering i share many classes with these people its hard not to feel that pain
Tom - 07/01/2013
Hi Tom, thanks for your post.
We understand that abuse comes in many different forms and we’re sorry to hear you have gone through this. If you are suffering from bullying or physical abuse and are still feeling suicidal please try and find someone you trust to talk to. If you
It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. There are people who understand, and who can help you deal with the problems you are going through.
Alternatively you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
The Samaritans may also be able to help, take a look at their website at http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ or email jo@samaritans.co.uk. You can also call the Samaritans helpline on 08457 909090.
Gemma
29/12/2012
While your TV campaign is addressing the obvious signs of abuse;Controlling aspects of someones life, physically hurting them etc. I do think that there should be more focus on psychological and emotional abuse, including rape.
My first boyfriend was an issue for myself, and I wasn't even aware that his actions were regarded in such a mannor, until I went onto this website. He lied to me about family issues, including car accidents, deaths, and illnesses. He would pressure me to do things I didn't want to, and 7 months on, I still hurt from it.
I didn't expect there to be help, or even understanding for such incidents, because it wasn't violent, just controlling and emotionally damaging, which is also why I will NEVER tell anyone about it! Which is why I think you need to look at your compaign from every different possible angle.
I personally, haven't spoken to anyone about what he was truly like, because its actually embarrassing, and help is scarce. I wouldn't receive help for what he did to me, because he wasn't violent towards me, and I know, people are in much more dangerous situations.
Emotional abuse is a bigger issue than how its being treated, and I think you could help change the views of people, on this situation.
Gemma - 29/12/2012
ReplyHi Gemma, thank you for your post.
We’re sorry you feel that the ads don’t focus enough on psychological abuse - the ‘bedroom’ TV ad does show the range of abuse that can take place – people using threatening and controlling behaviour, calling their partner abusive names etc as well as more obvious physical violence. The ‘Zoe’ ad covers the subject of rape and shows that it can take place within a relationship and doesn’t have to involve physical force.
We are also sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can. It doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and you feel you can trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there regardless of whether this relationship was physically violent or not.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
fudgy
29/12/2012
many people think that only woman are affected by abuse or sexual abuse when men can experience these things too i do not think this is right - just my opinion
fudgy - 29/12/2012
ReplyKyra
29/12/2012
what should i do if have been rape
Kyra - 29/12/2012
ReplyThis is the first time I have spoke about my experience.
I met a boy through my family friends, and I became very close to this boy (let's call him Sam).
At this moment I was 14, he was a happy go lucky type of guy and he was my perfect 'guy'. He had light brown hair, beautiful green eyes and was taller than me. I fell in love with him.
He told me that he likes another girl and I told him that she had a boyfriend (though this was a lie). So he told me that he loved me. Looking back I believe he only did this so the other girl got jealous.
So I thought we should go out and stuff, I had never done anything sexual with a boy before this, but with Sam I would kiss him first of all. Nothing more.
He started getting frustrated and accused me of letting his best mate 'finger me'. He kept on accusing me of such things like sexual contact with his friends, (I never did anything of the sort).
I got sick of it all and called of the relationship now being 15. He kept trying to call me and I finally gave in and started talking to him again. We got close once again and even closer than before, we got back together and two days later we met up and it was at his friends party, we all got drunk out of our minds and he took me too his friends bedroom.
His two other friends were sitting in there and I just sat down on the bed, nonthewiser of what was going to happen. The three of them said that I was looking sexy and they started touching me. I told them to stop.
One held me down onto the bed and ripped off my clothes. I kept telling them to stop and I shrieked but they just held my mouth shut. This went on and resulting in my being raped. Even though I was drunk, I can remember this traumatic event. This still haunts me today.
Clarrisa - 29/12/2012
Hi Kyra
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If this has happened to you, try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
Anon
29/12/2012
Recently i had been out for a few drinks with some friends. i was then walking home with one of them, and went to an alley to go to the loo.
Suddenly my friend was kissing me and pinned me up against the wall. He then had his hand in my trousers and i was trying to get him off however he was too strong.
I managed eventually to get him off me, as i was rather scared and as he is my friend im not entirely sure what to do. Is this counted as sexual assault? I feel extremely stupid and i know it is my fault.
Anon - 29/12/2012
ReplyHi Anon, thanks for your post.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a stranger or someone you know. Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable and is sexual assault. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.
Stef
28/12/2012
Hi,
While I appreciate this campaigne and what it stands for and the purpose of your message, I do have an issue I woul like to voice as someone who has been affected by the subject.
Over the course of time I have found that the "if you could see yourself" adverts more and more upsetting, everytime it comes on I have to change the channel as I find the scene of the most recent aired advert too distressing, I understand that shock tactics can be the most effective but as this is to prevent such incedences Surley the pre existing victims out there could be considered more and how horrible it would be to see this in the advert air time while watching tv (not necessarily something with that kind of content)
I am not asking you to remove the ad I know this will not happen. I just hoped that if enough people (I can only assume I'm not the only one offended by the ad) made you aware of the emotional damage that can be triggered or caused by this the ad Campaine could be re-thought.
Many thanks
Stef
Stef - 28/12/2012
ReplyHi Stef
Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past and sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, particularly for someone who has been a victim of rape.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also researched with young people prior to being made. Working with those charities, we did consider that the advert may be distressing to some victims of rape, however, our research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with. Our objective for this campaign is to ensure that we improve understanding of consent among young people – in order that we prevent future cases of rape and encourage people who have experienced this to get help. I hope you understand that we need to tackle these issues in order to help people realise that this behaviour isn’t acceptable and signpost them to places they can get help.
The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem, however, we also appreciate that this may mean that victims of rape may see the advert and find it distressing. If you would find it useful we can send you a copy of the media schedule, please post again and leave your email address so that we can follow this up with you.
We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape. It is also helping people who have been victims of rape, in very similar circumstances to the scene in the advert, recognise for the first time that they were raped and then go on to seek help and support they need.
We are truly sorry to hear of your distress and hope you understand why we have made the advert. If you need advice, you can call Rape Crisis (0808 802 9999 - 12 - 2.30pm and 7 - 9.30pm) who can offer support whether you’ve just experienced something or you are having difficulties about something that has happened in the past. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
Anon
28/12/2012
Hello all,
I was 17 when I met my partner. I fell in love with him, but he began treating me like I was 2nd class.
He began taking money off me, all of it. I was lucky if I could afford a cheap packet of noodles every otherday...eventually, he drained me dry of everything.
He grew violent a number of times...I don't know why I didn't walk away, perhaps something similar to stockholm syndrome?
Later, I found he cheated on me, multiple times, used my money, and my love for him to have me pay bills and debts for his friends. Story is a lot longer then that, but thats the sum of it
Not all abuse is sexual, emotional abuse seems pretty rampant too.
All I wanted was love.
All I got was hate.
Anon - 28/12/2012
ReplyHi Anon, thank you for sharing your story.
We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We understand that emotional and physical abuse is all too real too and we think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around, as can still loving that person. Again, that is also completely normal and many people are torn between loving the person and hating their behaviour. Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.It’s not your fault and you weren’t complicit in this.
No matter how long ago this happened, please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
Guy
28/12/2012
I was at a party once and I thought I was in good hands but it turns out while I was passed out intoxicated (im14) people pulled down my pants and were fondling my penis.
they drew on it and stuff I would report this but I was intoxicated I can't tell anyone about this...
Guy - 28/12/2012
ReplyHi Guy, thanks for sharing your story.
Being forced to take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable whether you have been drinking or not. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
Please find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with and won’t judge you. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.
amy
28/12/2012
this boy raped the girl this to boys were the same but one wanted to rape her and one did not
she need help do you know the who can see her
who rape her he was hurting her in the party at home.
amy - 28/12/2012
ReplyHi Amy, thank you for your post.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when someone doesn’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Speak to your friend and help them understand that this was not their fault and there was nothing they could have done to prevent this.
You should encourage your friend to call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about the problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
They can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you or they ever feel in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
Alex
28/12/2012
I'm recently turned 17 and am deeply offended by the fact that you say "Relationship abuse can happen to anyone." - this is taken from your Youtube page and although you say it can happen to anyone so why are all your adverts and Youtube videos about men abusing women?
Although I hate to admit it men do sexually abuse women there are still women that pressure men! And there are still women that sexually abuse men!
So I would like to make the reasonable request that your company/group stop being sexist.
Alex - 28/12/2012
ReplyHi Alex,
Thanks for your feedback.
We are sorry that you feel like this about the campaign. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.
We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU
We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp
anon
28/12/2012
Hi, when i was 16 a boyfriend was controlling, he would go through my phone, delete numbers and, a few times, while i was asleep he would have sex with me. I was only 16 at the time and didn't want to upset him by bringing it up (Stupid I know) so i tried to pretend it didn't happen- but the it started to happen more and more that's when I ended it, but since the ads have been showed more and more often it's constantly on my mind. I know what the adverts are for, but there really should be a warning or something. It may stop rapes happening but it doesn't help people who have already have to go through it try to live with it.
anon - 28/12/2012
ReplyI agree, the adverts come up so regularly. It's really upsetting me and reminding me of what happened.
I know that they are there for a reason, and I wish no one else to go through what I and others have. Yet especially on things that are internet based is there any way to stop them popping up?
It's a constant reminder.
Anon - 29/12/2012
Hi Anon
Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past and sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, particularly for someone who has been a victim of rape.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also researched with young people prior to being made. Working with those charities, we did consider that the advert may be distressing to some victims of rape, however, our research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with. Our objective for this campaign is to ensure that we improve understanding of consent among young people – in order that we prevent future cases of rape and encourage people who have experienced this to get help. I hope you understand that we need to tackle these issues in order to help people realise that this behaviour isn’t acceptable and signpost them to places they can get help.
The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem, however, we also appreciate that this may mean that victims of rape may see the advert and find it distressing. If you would find it useful we can send you a copy of the media schedule, please post again and leave your email address so that we can follow this up with you.
We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape. It is also helping people who have been victims of rape, in very similar circumstances to the scene in the advert, recognise for the first time that they were raped and then go on to seek help and support they need.
We are truly sorry to hear of your distress and hope you understand why we have made the advert. If you need advice, you can call Rape Crisis (0808 802 9999 - 12 - 2.30pm and 7 - 9.30pm) who can offer support whether you’ve just experienced something or you are having difficulties about something that has happened in the past. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
anon
28/12/2012
I haven't let anyone touch me since, It's been 3 years and I can't get past it or trust anyone, I can't be in a relationship anymore, its too scary when things are moving to the next level
anon - 28/12/2012
ReplyHi Anon,
Thanks for your post. We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. It's extremely positive that you are confronting your past in order to move on, and that you recognise none of this was your fault. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime and there was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
We think it is important that even though this happened 3 years ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there to help you move on.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
Anonymous
27/12/2012
Hi
Last year, when I was 15, I met a boy who was also 15 and we started talking and a month later we went. After 6 months talking to him, he asked me when we can have sex and he said "if you loved me you'd do it", and i did love him. But i wasn't willing to have sex at that early stage. He pressured me so much that I ended our relationship on January. It's been a year and he's moved away. Now I'm 16 and I'm beginning to understand, was ending our relationship the right thing to do?
Anonymous - 27/12/2012
ReplyHI Anonymous
Thanks for getting in touch, we are sorry you felt pressured by your boyfriend.
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
anonymous
27/12/2012
well I have a bf and sometimes I tell him to stop while were in the middle of sex and always said 'well lets just finish then'then im like no!!
want to stop now and sometimes he pushes me down to the bed to carry on but when he realises that im being serious he stops I don't know what to do he's don't this twice any advice????
anonymous - 27/12/2012
ReplyHi Anonymous
Thanks for getting in touch, we are sorry that you have had a bad experience with your boyfriend.
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.
Anonymous
27/12/2012
i was sexually asulted and abused there is abit presure to have sex.
the languge and talk eg how many times or how many time did you have sex, porn in magazines and on the internet dont help. it is cheap way to advertise sex.
people see it then want it they see the pictures in magazines they want to take pictures of their own for other people to see. porn encourages sex
Anonymous - 27/12/2012
ReplyHi Anonymous, thanks for sharing your story.
We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, you should understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
Being forced or pressured to have sex, take photos or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with.
It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
You can also speak to the police about your sexual assault and abuse. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.
Take care.