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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

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Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

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TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Results: 375 - 390 of 2103

  • Judie

    28/01/2014

    Hi I have been with my bf for 3 yrs, with a guy whos 6 yrs older than me.(im 21, hes 27) despite the long time we've been together I still cant be around him because I think hell judge me/swear at me. I feel like im never good enough and what ever I try to do, he doesn't appreciate it.
    He doesn't understand me and my emotions, he calls me slow, stupid and pathetic. I feel insecure around him and he always brings up his ex and says how good she was. It makes me feel like I am not important.
    He swears at me which makes me scared and I find him aggressive when he does use foul language.
    He also bad mouths my dad. Hes never there when I need him, he misunderstands me and we can't have a conversation that lasts longer than 5 mins.
    Atm, I feel like im not good enough, im fat, and ugly. Although im a size 6, and loads of people compliment me, but I don't see myself pretty anymore. Hes called me beautiful 3 times im 3 yrs, rest of the times he's callinge ugly, fat, loser, bitch etc.
    Please help me, its so stressful. Im 18 and ive also started losing hair which I think is because of stress
    What do I think and say?

    Judie - 28/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Judie

      Thanks for getting in touch with us.It sounds like you are having a really difficult and horrible time in this relationship. I can appreciate why you are feeling stressed and feeling at a loss about what to do. This emotional and verbal abuse by your partner is totally unacceptable. Although he has not been physically abusive it seems he is threatening and scary when he is aggressive and a healthy relationship is not one which is based on fear or having your self esteem chipped away.

      Are you able to talk to anyone about this. I know he probably makes it difficult to maintain friendships but is is really important you try and get some emotional support for yourself. What about your dad whom you mention - could you talk to him?

      I think it might help to look at a couple of websites related to relationships and abuse. Look at www.respectnotfear.co.uk and www.womensaid.org.uk and see what you can recognise on them that is in your relationship. You have been together quite a while and the thought of ending the relationship probably sounds quite frightening and maybe something you are not yet fully sure you are ready to do but try and remember that none of this is you fault and it is not what you deserve. whilst you may be supportive to your partner ultimately it is down to him to seek help to change his behaviour - this is not something you can do for him.

      If you call the National helpline on 0808 2000 247 they can discuss options with you as well as letting you know about any local support services in your area. We also have live chat sessions Mon -Fri 5 -7 if you want to chat to us sometime. I hope this helps as a staring point

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 28/01/2014

  • LC

    27/01/2014

    I met my husband just under 2 years ago and in that time we fell in love very quickly, he asked me to marry him and we were married just after a year. He was such a wonderful guy and as this was my 2nd marriage, I knew it had to be right and it felt right so I went ahead. My husband has always liked a drink, but recently he has been drinking just a little too much but I can't tell him. When hes been drinking he becomes, depressive, insecure, argumentative, aggressive and turns all his problems round to be my fault so that I end up apologising when I haven't done anything wrong! He is very clever at doing this and he knows exactly what he is doing. He says I am pushing him away as I don't talk to him, I don't tell him things, I'm not to try and be someone I'm not, this goes on for ages and in the end I just end up agreeing with him as its easier and saves on any unnecessary arguments and I'm concerned he will walk out and leave me for good. I love this man with all my heart and I want to be happy, but I'm not, I find trying to talk to him is very difficult as he just turns it around and makes it my fault, that I don't listen to what hes saying. Yes I do feel controlled, feel like I'm walking on egg shells all the time and I can't be the person he married. He isn't an alcoholic, but that "one too many" can make all the difference to our relationship. I honestly believe he is mentally/emotionally abusing me, am I right?? I would be grateful for any advice/help as I really want this marriage to work. Thank you.

    LC - 27/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi LC,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like a really difficult situation. From what you have said, it seems like your husband does not want to address his controlling behaviour.

      From what you have said, there is very little that you can do to change your husband's behaviour, it has to be a choice that he makes, and it seems that he isn't showing any remorse at the moment.

      Although he is being more aggressive whilst drinking, he still has some control over this and is choosing to drink knowing that this is the affect.

      I think it would be helpful for you to contact the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk a little bit more about your options.

      You may also want to consider attending an Al-Anon group. They support people affected by drinking. There is more information here http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/01/2014

  • Demi

    27/01/2014

    abuse is wrong, sometimes people don't realize what the're doing wrong, if the person who is being abused is letting it happen then tell them to STOP! if you don't, it will carry on, and you wont be able to do anything about it as will get worse and worse until you cant cope! If your being abused, speak up! If you the abuser, think twice about what your doing wrong!

    Demi - 27/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Demi,

      Thanks for your post. You are right, abuse is wrong. I think sometimes the person experiencing abuse can be confused about what’s happening or even feel that it is their fault. That is one great thing about having friends around to encourage and support and of course to try not to judge the person if they don’t feel ready or able to leave yet. It can take time to build the confidence to tell someone or decide to leave.

      There is some really good advice for friends and family on the Refuge site http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-a-friend-or-family-member/

      And for people using abusive behaviours who want to change there is a dedicated helpline and website www.respectphoneline.org.uk 0808 802 4040.

      Take Care

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 28/01/2014

  • AB

    27/01/2014

    I don't know what I'm going through at the moment, but I need some help and advice. I've been with my boyfriend for 10months now. The thing that struck me first was - I had an account on ask.fm I was getting pestered on there for weeks and weeks.. someone constantly asking and telling me I flirt with guys, saying I can't love my bf if I chat up other lads, saying if my bf found out I chat up lads he'd leave me. For the record I never chatted up other lads. After weeks of the same questions and accusations being thrown at me I found out it was my bf doing that. Other small things happen and happened. I lost a lot of my friends, he would get moody if I ever went and saw my friends - sometimes I wouldn't go out just to save drama and bother (I didn't even live with him at this point). Now we're 10 months into our relationship I feel trapped? I live with him and I'm still being quite controlled. He kicks up a fuss everytime I want to see my friends, I have changed my appearance (toned down my makeup etc) because he doesn't like all my makeup, hes previously moaned that I had to wash my hair and do my fake tan one night because its less time we can spend together. I feel like im walking on egg shells. He never has anything good to say, just always picks and moans and tells me to make an effort with the relationship. One more thing. I went out with my bestfriend the other night.. I go out about once every 2 months - instead of saying have a good night he said to me "make sure you don't flirt with any guys.. I don't want to look like a mug" and when I said I won't ever do that. He replied "good". I know it's hard to get a picture. But I need help. I'm 22 he's 24.

    AB - 27/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear AB,

      Thanks for posting a comment. It can be hard to know whether something is acceptable or not. You say that you feel like you are working on eggshells, which implies you are worried about the way he might behave and so you are right to be concerned.

      Abuse through social media can be frightening and even more so when it is anonymised.

      Your boyfriend’s sense of security in this relationship is not your responsibility. It is not possible to prove not having been intimate with other people, nor do you have to. As much as you might want to support him, only he can resolve his insecurities.

      You mention feeling trapped which is a horrible feeling, but also make me think that you might not want to be in this relationship any more?

      If you want to find out more information about domestic abuse there is some helpful information and access to support here http://www.womensaid.org.uk/



      Take Care

      Brian.

      This is Abuse team 27/01/2014

  • Chloe

    27/01/2014

    I was with my boyfriend for a month and I ended up breaking up with him for a month because he wouldn't let me talk to any of my boy mates i keep my friends close because they stayed by me when i was in hospital for a year and they helped me a lot but my boyfriend didn't understand that he got very jealous of my boy mates, when ever I went out with my bestfriend which was a girl he thought I was meeting up with a boy he wanted me to call him all the time to prove I want with a boy, once I was walking down the road to go home a man walked past me while he was on the phone he thought I was out meeting another boy he got angry at me, he also used to go down my phone he would want my passwords he would go down my conversations, he went onto my Facebook and deleted all my boys I then spoke to a family member they said that wasn't right as my friends mean a lot to me as they helped me when i was in hospital I then spoke to him about keeping my friends he got annoyed and broke up me with he then wanted to get back together and said I can have my friends but he wants to go on my phone, every time he got angry he would call me a prick a mug telling me I'm anorexic which I don't like due to my illness, he would make me feel worthless but he tried to make me feel better at the same time he would make me feel worthless because he would go on about how pretty the girls were that he spoke to, I also confronted him and said how can he ask me to delete my boys yet he would never do the same for me he told me because he didn't trust me and it was my fault because I never called him all the time which made him paranoid I begin to believe it was my fault we broke up every every week nearly and go back a few hours later he once told me his plan how to break up with me which was to drift a part from me and then break up with me I then walked away he tried getting me back but a month later I took him back thinking it would be different but it wasn't I stayed with him for a week it got worse, my family didn't want me with him because he upset me a lot but he was being the same calling me names checking my phone hated it when I met my friends wouldn't want me around boys I broke up with him a week ago and I realise how stupid I was he start getting angry callin me names when I broke it off he got very angry I'm still not sure if this is what people call an abusive relationship I saw the advert and I do wonder is this what you call an abusive relationship he was never physically abusive but is this emotional abuse I just want to know was I in an abusive relationship.

    Chloe Chloe - 27/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Chloe,

      It is understandable that you are confused by his behaviour and it’s good that you have asked so that you can feel clear about your decision not to be with him.

      The behaviours you describe are abusive. Checking up on you, looking through your phone and trying to control who you see are really not ok and it was definitely not your fault.

      It sounds like you have a supportive family who have been offering you good advice. I am sure that if you still feel any uncertainty you could talk it through with them.

      Take Care

      Brian.

      This is Abuse team 27/01/2014

  • Peanut

    26/01/2014

    Where is the support for parents mentally and physically abused by their teenage children?

    Peanut - 26/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi,

      Thanks for getting in contact. Abuse from a child is still considered domestic abuse, and something that we are seeing more and more of within this field. Local women's services are generally offering support now for parents experiencing abuse from their children.

      The difficulty with experiencing abuse from a child is that parents are much less likely to force a child out of the home, or cut ties with a child than they would with an abusive partner.

      I would recommend that you get in contact with your local service to see what they can offer you. You can find them on the Women's Aid website, www.womensaid.org.uk, or by calling 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2014

  • lexi

    26/01/2014

    I have been married 15 months and i am not aloud out without my husband, i have a job interview coming up and got told i wouldnt get it. i am not aloud to see family without him, i get made to feel really small and not worth anything. i dont feel that i have the strength to leave him, i have tried before and get told that i am nothing without him, is this emotianal abuse?

    lexi - 26/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lexi,

      Thanks for coming forward to talk to us. It sounds like your partner is really controlling, that must be really difficult.

      It seems like he really wants to reduce your support network, by not letting you have a job or see your family it means that he has even more control over you. He is being abusive, and that is not acceptable.

      There are ways for you to leave if you wanted to, and a local domestic abuse service would help you do this. However, it is your choice if you want to leave and they won't pressure you in to anything you don't want to do. You could find your local service on Google, or by contacting the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      It's really important that you focus on what you can achieve, you are capable of getting a job, you are strong enough to leave him, you should be able to see your family on your own when you want. You have the right and the power to do this.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2014

  • Genie

    26/01/2014

    I just want to post this for others to see, rather than advice. I'm 18 and WAS with a man of 20. At first it was great, we were like best friends. Then i discovered his temper. It'd start off as a petty argument which would then turn into him raising his voice, calling me a "f*****g c**t" with his face right in mine. Since he was something around 6'3 and I'm 5'2, it definitely seemed to be for intimidation purposes. Obviously, having never had anyone speak to me like that, in a family where you don'd disrespect, this shocked me and upset me greatly- then he'd shout at me for being upset and call me a "f******g p***y". However, his mother and sister were very argumentative too. All to each other. In car journeys they'd be shouting at each-other and calling one another names. This is why i thought i was the problem. I thought i was either being over sensitive, and crying over nothing if he grabbed me arm really hard or just wasn't used to a family being this way, and when we weren't arguing, it was great. Then eventually, he became more threatening. He'd say staring at me in a tight low voice "Do you want me to f*****g punch you?". He even said to me once with a knife in his hand "You know, i nearly stabbed an ex before because she tried me." I began trying him. Whenever he threatened to hurt me I'd say "Go on then. Do it." I know it may not be the best decision because who's to say he wouldn't of, but that didn't bother me, if it happened it happened, I wasn't going to feel like crap every time we argued. He hated me answering back. Which made me feel great. To see him lose control of me was nice in a way. To see him upset or asking me not to leave was empowering to me. It did even out until he completely changed and went through a 50s phase and found a 50s lady, and I decided not to be with him because I knew he was interested, regardless of him telling me she was too old for him or engaged or married or whatever her situation was. I know a lie when i see one and i always trust my gut. Two weeks later they got together and got pregnant 3 months in. A year later and she's now left him for the same reason after she spoke to me about how he is and lies he told her. I don't hate him for how he was, well, is, it made me stronger and wiser.

    Genie - 26/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Genie,

      Thanks for posting your experiences. It sounds like it was a really difficult time for you. I'm really glad you're out of the abusive relationship.

      I just wanted to highlight that we can still be affected by abuse after we have left the relationship, so if you did want to talk about it then you can contact the national helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2014

  • Olivia

    26/01/2014

    I left a message here a few days ago and got an email telling me it had been responded to, I clicked on the link but I can't find my comment anywhere?:/

    Olivia - 26/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Olivia,

      Posted messages appear on the page you were on when you posted them, so for example if you had just watched the MTV video and commented underneath, that is where you will see your post and any comments.

      I hope you find it.

      This is Abuse team 27/01/2014

  • Anon

    26/01/2014

    Relationship abuse is not right. It seems every resource / advert / help is geared towards the female as victim. In my experience they are just as capable, if not more, of abuse. The abuse may not be so apparent and the culture of men is to hide or excuse it in shame. But it exists and, worst of all, a very small minority of women will use this perception against their victim. Please use your resources to further enlighten the abuse men suffer too. A man may be physically stronger, but I've been punched and kicked - never retaliating - and I have been accused of domestic abuse to the police. Please help to reinforce the message that victims are victims, regardless of gender.

    Anon - 26/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi,

      Thanks for getting in contact. We are taking these posts in to consideration for future campaigns.

      I'm sorry to hear that you experienced abuse from your partner, and we acknowledge that many men fall victim to domestic abuse. There are services out there that can offer you advice and support, whether the abuse is taking place now or is historic. The Men's Advice Line runs a helpline, 0808 801 0327, which supports men and if there is a service in your area that offers face to face support they will also be able to give you the details of that.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2014

  • Cloe

    26/01/2014

    I was in a relationship for two years and I'd never been happier but then it all went down hill, all we done was argue, he got arrested a lot but then things got worse and he got put on remand but because I loved him I stood by him done everything I could to make him happy it just wasn't good enough... Things just kept getting worse when I'd go he's house and he'd start arguing id just walk away to stop it but he used to lock me in and not let out then he would use emotional blackmail and I wouldn't leave him incase he done something stupid and then it would all be my fault so I stayed with him, he wouldn't let me go out with my friends, he had to know where I was and who I was with all the time an then it got to the point where it wasn't a relationship anymore he just had control over me but yet I still love him:(

    Cloe - 26/01/2014

    Reply
    • HI Cloe,

      Thanks for getting in touch. Love is such a difficult emotion, and like you said when you were first with him everything was amazing, and it can be quite difficult to let go of those good times. But it is also really important to focus on the times he was bullying you. I'm really glad you're no longer in the relationship.

      It sounds like it would be really helpful for you to talk to someone, we are running live chats on the site Monday-Friday 5pm-7pm, or you can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247. You could also speak to your GP about accessing counselling sessions as you're entitled to 6 on the NHS, or you could get involved with your local domestic abuse service as many run counselling services or group support services.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2014

  • Lulu

    25/01/2014

    I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 months now but 2 months ago, he found out i had been talking to another boy at the same time as him and the start of are relationship. Ever since then he has been controlling me. He stopped me having contact with all boys even though a lot of them were just my friends; he doesn't want me to go to parties or any social events without him; he gets jealous very easily and has admitted to me that he wants to be the only person in my life; he checks my phone and backed me into a corner to delete my Facebook and when he allowed me to get a new account, he said i could not accept any friend requests from boys. He always wants to know where i am, who I'm with and what I'm doing and he gets away with all this by making me feel bad about what i did, even though i have apologised so many times and i meant it. He's never hurt me physically and to get me to do what he wants, he says things like "I'd prefer you not to do that" or "I'm comfortable with things the way they are now so can you please not try and change them". Is this normal behaviour? Have i bought this on myself? what should i do? thank you

    Lulu - 25/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Lulu

      Thanks for your message and I can hear both how confused and exhausted you are with what is going on in your relationship. What you are describing is a very controlling and emotionally abusive relationship and this is definitely not normal and nor is it acceptable. Your partner is making demands of you to change your behavior and even when you do that he remains dissatisfied. A healthy relationship would be one built on trust and respect and acceptance for who you are as a person. Have you been able to talk to anyone about what is going on? It is important that you have some support for yourself with all of this.

      Lulu I am not sure how old you are but perhaps look at these two websites for some helpful information - www.respectnotfear.co.uk and www.womensaid.org.uk. You can also call the National helpline for advice about services in your local area on 0808 2000 247 or contact us on our Live chat sessions Mon - Fri - 5 -7 to talk more about this. Please try and remember that this is not your fault but you have a right to be safe and treated with respect.

      If you can try and talk to a close friend or someone you trust so you can get some emotional support for yourself.

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 26/01/2014

  • Ang

    25/01/2014

    I think I might be in a verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive relationship.

    Ang - 25/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Ang

      Thanks for your message. Abuse can be complicated and confusing and it sounds like you are trying to make sense of what is happening in your relationship.

      If you look at the Women's Aid website on www.womensaid.org.uk it will have a lot of information on there that might help as well as a specific section about emotional abuse. You could also call the National helpline on 0808 2000 247 and they will be able to talk through your concerns with you. If you wish to message us back with a bit more detail about what is going on we may be able to help you more

      take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 26/01/2014

  • Louise

    25/01/2014

    I've just come out of a year relationship and I have to say had I not seen the clips on Hollyoaks I may never of realised how abusive my boyfriend was. I was completely blind to it. He made me think I was going mad. Ended up on antidepressants because I was so drained and low.
    He would tell me how to dress. Say I looked like I had put my makeup on with a trowel even though I hardly put any on. He would finish with me and then come back days later and then do it all over again. I've lost count of how many times hes ended the relationship. Why I kept taking him back was because I was so weak and thought I needed him. This time I'm not as upset because he started being horrible to my son who has special needs. He would mimic him and ridicule him. And tell him off constantly. He would say hes getting on his nerves and I'd have to take him into another room out of his way.
    He picked fault in every meal I made him, never said thank you. Never lifted a finger expected me to wait on him whilst he sat on his X Box. He was also very abusive and controlling to his Mum which was also draining to watch as she is a lovely lady.
    He would call me names like ......... even though I'm slim and tell me Im gaining weight and need to watch what I eat. Finally last week he hit me so hard on the forehead it was a slap but it hurt but there was no good reason for that. He thought it was funny and I would get very hard slaps on the legs it hurt so much. I thought what the hell am I doing. He then snapped at me because of a debate we had over a subject. He didnt like ever being wrong. I googled it and sure enough I was right so he got the hump and finished with me. Lol how pathetic and good ridance I say. And I can't wait to find a real man who compliments me, and treats me like I'm special. I'm so done with this now!

    Louise - 25/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Louise

      Thank you for your post and sharing some of what has happened to you with others. It sounds like a terrible situation and its is an enormous relief to hear that you and your son are now safe and out of this relationship. It is difficult enough to parent a child with additional needs without trying to manage an abusive relationship as well.This must have all been very confusing for your son but I am sure that now he is safe and with you free from the ridicule and criticism that things will improve.

      If you feel you might need some support to recover from this experience please call the National helpline on 0808 2000 247 as they can advise you about local services in your area.

      I hope things keep on improving for your both in the future

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 26/01/2014

  • Lucy

    25/01/2014

    Well, I was talking to this lad and we'd been talking for ages and when it got to about four months of talking we decided to swap pictures, he said if I sent one he'd send me one so me being the idiot I am, I sent him one over Facebook. Little did I know he had a girlfriend at the moment of me sending the picture, his girlfriend was on his account. She saved the photo of me and then posted the photo on Facebook, tagged me in it so all of my friends and all if her friends could see it. A load of people shared the photo and I've heard that a few people have saved the photo personally as well. She did remove the photo but it was to late, I see the photo like twice a week, from people reposting it:/! I get called a slag and a slut all the time at school, got to the point where I don't wanna be here anymore. Feels like I've ruined my life, anyone got any advice?

    Lucy - 25/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lucy,

      This sounds like a really awful situation. Although what has happened is illegal, you cannot circulate someone else's pictures without their permission, as it is technically your property, it is really difficult now lots of other people have the photo.

      I think it would be really helpful to talk through your options on the number below, or come back and talk to us on Live Chat on this site Monday-Friday 5pm-7pm.

      If you would like to talk to someone about it then you can call the NSPCC's helpline on 0808 800 5000 to speak to one of our trained counsellors.Or I can suggest you call ChildLine, in confidence on 0800 1111.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2014

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Results: 375 - 390 of 2103

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