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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

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Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

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Results: 375 - 390 of 2107

  • Mlo

    28/01/2014

    So I dont even know where to start. I honestly am just seeking out advice. Me and my boyfriend were together off and on for about a year. We just broke up once again and I miss him deeply. See our relationship from the beginning never had a strong foundation. A few months into it he accused me of cheating on him and not caring about him and all that. He asked about my past and I told him everything not holding back one thing. And after that, every arguement seem to come down to it being my fault and him calling me names like a whore, slut, hoe, etc. He was very disrespectful towards me when he was angry. Now I have a 4 year old from a previous relationship.And he also has a 5 year old girl. And my son's behavior has not been the best. He's much better now, but before it was a little out of control. My boyfriend use to get mad everytime my son would get out of control and say very hurtful things about him. My son did not have his father in his life and for another man to call him names or disrespect him was very hurtful. I stayed with him after he promised he would work on his anger and be more respectful. Well the months passed and everything just seem to spiral. Especially after he moved in with us.The accusations were more frequent and the arguements happened all the time. My sons father has started to make more of an effort now and that has angered him more than anything. he believed i had feelings with for him and have cheated with him. For the record i have never cheated on him. EVER. And when he would get angry his temper would get out control, call me names, disrespect me and get a little physical.He told me i needed to dress a certain way around him, could not go out because it didnt look right if a woman did. He went out all the time and always justified his answer by "it was okay for men to do it but not women".when he was anger he would put our business on social media and slander my name and never apologize for it. He has always had too much pride. Not once our relationship did he ever apologize for being wrong. its like i had to make him aware of the situation for him to even consider the apology.he always has critized my parenting style and never trusted me.He would make me cry all the time and just stand there and watch me cry my eyes out. well about 2 weeks ago he got very angry that my sons father messaged me to see our son. he left our apt and didnt return for about 4 days. when he returned i tried to talk him about the whole situation and he asked me to choose between him and my son's father. now what me and my kids father had was in the past, and for him to make me choose sounded quite riduclous. considering even if he did not help me out with any expenses for my son, he was always going to be apart of my life because of my son. so he said i made my decision and left once again for a few days.at that point i thought everything was done between us and went out with my girls. i met a few people and gave 1 guy mynumber. not sure why i did but i did. the guy began texting me and tried to make plans but i just blew him off because it wasnt what i wanted and i missed my boyfriend. well when he finally came home we tried to talk about things but then he went thru my phone and blew up. he was beyond angry that i had given my number out and stated i cheated on him and lied. Now keep in mind, when he had gotten angry awhile back he made accounts on these online dating websites. so during the time we were apart he did the same and i guess thats why i went out with my girls. well he was anger that he found the messages and in the middle of the arguement he shoved me into the wall almost knocking me over.Then punch a picture of my son and said this was his f** fault too. i began crying and made him leave. He blamed me for his anger and said it was my fault he shoved me.

    Mlo - 28/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      Thanks for your message. It sounds like things have been really hard for a long time for you and your son. It is not ok for him to control you or to be emotionally and physically abusive to you. This will also have a big impact on your son.
      I think you need to get some support. Does anyone know what has been going on? It may help to talk to your friends or family. You can also get professional support on the national helpline - 0800 2000 247.

      I think you need to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship. I know it is hard and you miss him when you have not seen him for a few days but you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Not all men will treat you like this. If you do decide to leave him, it is important to keep safe - there are some good tips here: http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/keeping-safe/
      Make sure you tell someone what you are planning and don't be on your own. You may need to change your phone number/online accounts and plan what you will do if he turns up.

      If you want to talk to us more, we have a live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm

      I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 30/01/2014

  • Lea

    28/01/2014

    Hi guys, I understand what it is you're trying to do, but relationship abuse expands over the whole relationship spectrum. Men abuse men, men abuse women, women abuse men, women abuse women. Statistics state that it's mainly women that are the victims, but if the men that are too embarresed to stand up were to have their say, it wouldn't be so one sided. My reason for this message is to ask if you could change the wording from "her" and "she" to "them" and "their" thanks for your time.

    Lea - 28/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lea,

      Thanks for your comments. We are aware that domestic violence can affect everyone, and be perpetrated by men and women, and there are services which specifically work with male victims, such as the Men's Advice Line, and others that work specifically with LGBT victims of abuse, such as Broken Rainbow.

      We are taking in to consideration comments from this campaign for future campaigns.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/01/2014

  • Daisy

    28/01/2014

    I am not sure whether or not I was in an abusive relationship for 3 and a half years. We met when I was 15 and he was 18. I'm not sure whether what I went through was classed as abuse. My partner isolated me from my friends and would often punish me for no reason, by ignoring me and refusing to see me. I could not share any of my feelings with him as he didn't care about my opinions or what I had to say. He never ever once laid a finger on me, so i felt no one would understand that what he was doing wasn't right. Part of me almost felt it must've been the norm in relationships. I felt I had no one to talk to and that no one would understand. I have never felt as lonely as I was when I was with him. Even after I tried to leave him he continued to worm his way until my life. Thankfully, I do not speak to him anymore and since then I am so much more confident. However, this is affecting my attempts to form new relationships. I have extreme issues trusting people and feel as if I am walking on eggshells all the time. I still have not ever really spoken to anyone about how my partner treated me and am not really sure where to turn or how to move on. I still carry deep feelings of insecurity and have almost no self worth. I just want to find out how I can move on from this.

    Daisy - 28/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Daisy,

      Thanks for getting in contact. It seems like your ex-boyfriend was really controlling, and this must have been really tough for you. I'm really glad you are out of the relationship.

      A lot of domestic abuse services will still offer services for women once they have left the abusive relationship, because, like you are experiencing, a lot of women still carry feelings and issues when they leave the relationship. It might be helpful to contact your local service to see if the offer a counselling service so you can address some of these issues. You can find your local service on Google, or on the Women's Aid Website, www.womensaid.org.uk, or by contacting the National helpline. You are also entitled to 6 counselling sessions on the NHS, however you would get a more specialist service through your local domestic abuse service.

      I hope this helps.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/01/2014

  • Eleri

    28/01/2014

    I've been talking to this older man for quite some time (there's roughly 6/7 years difference) and I really like him, but lately he's been trying to guilt trip me into doing sexual acts with him? I'm of legal age but I just don't want to rush, so when I don't do what he's asking me to do he says he doesn't love me. Also, when I go out he tells me 'don't flirt with other guys' and I'll say 'I won't' then he'll just say 'whatever'. The whole time I've spoke to him I have never once done anything or spoken to anyone else. Advice would be amazing - thank you.

    Eleri - 28/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Eleri,

      Thanks for getting in contact. It sounds like it has been really tough for you.

      I'm really glad you haven't let this man pressure you in to doing anything you didn't want to do, or didn't feel comfortable with. If your partner had respect for you then he would understand that you are not ready yet, and would not pressure you in to doing things before you feel ready. My concern would be if he behaves like this, what will happen when he does get what he wants.

      If you are being forced or pressured into doing sexual things you don't like or aren't sure about, then this is abuse. There are ways someone might try to make you do things without physically forcing you, these can include:

      Being made to feel stupid or bad for saying 'no'
      Being told you would do it if you loved them
      Being bullied into having sex
      Being encouraged to drink lots of alcohol or take drugs to make you more likely to have sex
      Manipulating your emotions, for example saying 'If you loved me you would...'

      It might be helpful to read through some of the other posts around this subject which can be found here, http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/videos/view/5#comments

      However, if you would like to talk a little bit more about what is happening then you can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247, we are also offering live chat on the site Monday to Friday 5pm-7pm.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/01/2014

  • Judie

    28/01/2014

    Hi I have been with my bf for 3 yrs, with a guy whos 6 yrs older than me.(im 21, hes 27) despite the long time we've been together I still cant be around him because I think hell judge me/swear at me. I feel like im never good enough and what ever I try to do, he doesn't appreciate it.
    He doesn't understand me and my emotions, he calls me slow, stupid and pathetic. I feel insecure around him and he always brings up his ex and says how good she was. It makes me feel like I am not important.
    He swears at me which makes me scared and I find him aggressive when he does use foul language.
    He also bad mouths my dad. Hes never there when I need him, he misunderstands me and we can't have a conversation that lasts longer than 5 mins.
    Atm, I feel like im not good enough, im fat, and ugly. Although im a size 6, and loads of people compliment me, but I don't see myself pretty anymore. Hes called me beautiful 3 times im 3 yrs, rest of the times he's callinge ugly, fat, loser, bitch etc.
    Please help me, its so stressful. Im 18 and ive also started losing hair which I think is because of stress
    What do I think and say?

    Judie - 28/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Judie

      Thanks for getting in touch with us.It sounds like you are having a really difficult and horrible time in this relationship. I can appreciate why you are feeling stressed and feeling at a loss about what to do. This emotional and verbal abuse by your partner is totally unacceptable. Although he has not been physically abusive it seems he is threatening and scary when he is aggressive and a healthy relationship is not one which is based on fear or having your self esteem chipped away.

      Are you able to talk to anyone about this. I know he probably makes it difficult to maintain friendships but is is really important you try and get some emotional support for yourself. What about your dad whom you mention - could you talk to him?

      I think it might help to look at a couple of websites related to relationships and abuse. Look at www.respectnotfear.co.uk and www.womensaid.org.uk and see what you can recognise on them that is in your relationship. You have been together quite a while and the thought of ending the relationship probably sounds quite frightening and maybe something you are not yet fully sure you are ready to do but try and remember that none of this is you fault and it is not what you deserve. whilst you may be supportive to your partner ultimately it is down to him to seek help to change his behaviour - this is not something you can do for him.

      If you call the National helpline on 0808 2000 247 they can discuss options with you as well as letting you know about any local support services in your area. We also have live chat sessions Mon -Fri 5 -7 if you want to chat to us sometime. I hope this helps as a staring point

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 28/01/2014

  • LC

    27/01/2014

    I met my husband just under 2 years ago and in that time we fell in love very quickly, he asked me to marry him and we were married just after a year. He was such a wonderful guy and as this was my 2nd marriage, I knew it had to be right and it felt right so I went ahead. My husband has always liked a drink, but recently he has been drinking just a little too much but I can't tell him. When hes been drinking he becomes, depressive, insecure, argumentative, aggressive and turns all his problems round to be my fault so that I end up apologising when I haven't done anything wrong! He is very clever at doing this and he knows exactly what he is doing. He says I am pushing him away as I don't talk to him, I don't tell him things, I'm not to try and be someone I'm not, this goes on for ages and in the end I just end up agreeing with him as its easier and saves on any unnecessary arguments and I'm concerned he will walk out and leave me for good. I love this man with all my heart and I want to be happy, but I'm not, I find trying to talk to him is very difficult as he just turns it around and makes it my fault, that I don't listen to what hes saying. Yes I do feel controlled, feel like I'm walking on egg shells all the time and I can't be the person he married. He isn't an alcoholic, but that "one too many" can make all the difference to our relationship. I honestly believe he is mentally/emotionally abusing me, am I right?? I would be grateful for any advice/help as I really want this marriage to work. Thank you.

    LC - 27/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi LC,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like a really difficult situation. From what you have said, it seems like your husband does not want to address his controlling behaviour.

      From what you have said, there is very little that you can do to change your husband's behaviour, it has to be a choice that he makes, and it seems that he isn't showing any remorse at the moment.

      Although he is being more aggressive whilst drinking, he still has some control over this and is choosing to drink knowing that this is the affect.

      I think it would be helpful for you to contact the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk a little bit more about your options.

      You may also want to consider attending an Al-Anon group. They support people affected by drinking. There is more information here http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/01/2014

  • Demi

    27/01/2014

    abuse is wrong, sometimes people don't realize what the're doing wrong, if the person who is being abused is letting it happen then tell them to STOP! if you don't, it will carry on, and you wont be able to do anything about it as will get worse and worse until you cant cope! If your being abused, speak up! If you the abuser, think twice about what your doing wrong!

    Demi - 27/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Demi,

      Thanks for your post. You are right, abuse is wrong. I think sometimes the person experiencing abuse can be confused about what’s happening or even feel that it is their fault. That is one great thing about having friends around to encourage and support and of course to try not to judge the person if they don’t feel ready or able to leave yet. It can take time to build the confidence to tell someone or decide to leave.

      There is some really good advice for friends and family on the Refuge site http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-a-friend-or-family-member/

      And for people using abusive behaviours who want to change there is a dedicated helpline and website www.respectphoneline.org.uk 0808 802 4040.

      Take Care

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 28/01/2014

  • AB

    27/01/2014

    I don't know what I'm going through at the moment, but I need some help and advice. I've been with my boyfriend for 10months now. The thing that struck me first was - I had an account on ask.fm I was getting pestered on there for weeks and weeks.. someone constantly asking and telling me I flirt with guys, saying I can't love my bf if I chat up other lads, saying if my bf found out I chat up lads he'd leave me. For the record I never chatted up other lads. After weeks of the same questions and accusations being thrown at me I found out it was my bf doing that. Other small things happen and happened. I lost a lot of my friends, he would get moody if I ever went and saw my friends - sometimes I wouldn't go out just to save drama and bother (I didn't even live with him at this point). Now we're 10 months into our relationship I feel trapped? I live with him and I'm still being quite controlled. He kicks up a fuss everytime I want to see my friends, I have changed my appearance (toned down my makeup etc) because he doesn't like all my makeup, hes previously moaned that I had to wash my hair and do my fake tan one night because its less time we can spend together. I feel like im walking on egg shells. He never has anything good to say, just always picks and moans and tells me to make an effort with the relationship. One more thing. I went out with my bestfriend the other night.. I go out about once every 2 months - instead of saying have a good night he said to me "make sure you don't flirt with any guys.. I don't want to look like a mug" and when I said I won't ever do that. He replied "good". I know it's hard to get a picture. But I need help. I'm 22 he's 24.

    AB - 27/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear AB,

      Thanks for posting a comment. It can be hard to know whether something is acceptable or not. You say that you feel like you are working on eggshells, which implies you are worried about the way he might behave and so you are right to be concerned.

      Abuse through social media can be frightening and even more so when it is anonymised.

      Your boyfriend’s sense of security in this relationship is not your responsibility. It is not possible to prove not having been intimate with other people, nor do you have to. As much as you might want to support him, only he can resolve his insecurities.

      You mention feeling trapped which is a horrible feeling, but also make me think that you might not want to be in this relationship any more?

      If you want to find out more information about domestic abuse there is some helpful information and access to support here http://www.womensaid.org.uk/



      Take Care

      Brian.

      This is Abuse team 27/01/2014

  • Chloe

    27/01/2014

    I was with my boyfriend for a month and I ended up breaking up with him for a month because he wouldn't let me talk to any of my boy mates i keep my friends close because they stayed by me when i was in hospital for a year and they helped me a lot but my boyfriend didn't understand that he got very jealous of my boy mates, when ever I went out with my bestfriend which was a girl he thought I was meeting up with a boy he wanted me to call him all the time to prove I want with a boy, once I was walking down the road to go home a man walked past me while he was on the phone he thought I was out meeting another boy he got angry at me, he also used to go down my phone he would want my passwords he would go down my conversations, he went onto my Facebook and deleted all my boys I then spoke to a family member they said that wasn't right as my friends mean a lot to me as they helped me when i was in hospital I then spoke to him about keeping my friends he got annoyed and broke up me with he then wanted to get back together and said I can have my friends but he wants to go on my phone, every time he got angry he would call me a prick a mug telling me I'm anorexic which I don't like due to my illness, he would make me feel worthless but he tried to make me feel better at the same time he would make me feel worthless because he would go on about how pretty the girls were that he spoke to, I also confronted him and said how can he ask me to delete my boys yet he would never do the same for me he told me because he didn't trust me and it was my fault because I never called him all the time which made him paranoid I begin to believe it was my fault we broke up every every week nearly and go back a few hours later he once told me his plan how to break up with me which was to drift a part from me and then break up with me I then walked away he tried getting me back but a month later I took him back thinking it would be different but it wasn't I stayed with him for a week it got worse, my family didn't want me with him because he upset me a lot but he was being the same calling me names checking my phone hated it when I met my friends wouldn't want me around boys I broke up with him a week ago and I realise how stupid I was he start getting angry callin me names when I broke it off he got very angry I'm still not sure if this is what people call an abusive relationship I saw the advert and I do wonder is this what you call an abusive relationship he was never physically abusive but is this emotional abuse I just want to know was I in an abusive relationship.

    Chloe Chloe - 27/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Chloe,

      It is understandable that you are confused by his behaviour and it’s good that you have asked so that you can feel clear about your decision not to be with him.

      The behaviours you describe are abusive. Checking up on you, looking through your phone and trying to control who you see are really not ok and it was definitely not your fault.

      It sounds like you have a supportive family who have been offering you good advice. I am sure that if you still feel any uncertainty you could talk it through with them.

      Take Care

      Brian.

      This is Abuse team 27/01/2014

  • Peanut

    26/01/2014

    Where is the support for parents mentally and physically abused by their teenage children?

    Peanut - 26/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi,

      Thanks for getting in contact. Abuse from a child is still considered domestic abuse, and something that we are seeing more and more of within this field. Local women's services are generally offering support now for parents experiencing abuse from their children.

      The difficulty with experiencing abuse from a child is that parents are much less likely to force a child out of the home, or cut ties with a child than they would with an abusive partner.

      I would recommend that you get in contact with your local service to see what they can offer you. You can find them on the Women's Aid website, www.womensaid.org.uk, or by calling 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2014

  • lexi

    26/01/2014

    I have been married 15 months and i am not aloud out without my husband, i have a job interview coming up and got told i wouldnt get it. i am not aloud to see family without him, i get made to feel really small and not worth anything. i dont feel that i have the strength to leave him, i have tried before and get told that i am nothing without him, is this emotianal abuse?

    lexi - 26/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lexi,

      Thanks for coming forward to talk to us. It sounds like your partner is really controlling, that must be really difficult.

      It seems like he really wants to reduce your support network, by not letting you have a job or see your family it means that he has even more control over you. He is being abusive, and that is not acceptable.

      There are ways for you to leave if you wanted to, and a local domestic abuse service would help you do this. However, it is your choice if you want to leave and they won't pressure you in to anything you don't want to do. You could find your local service on Google, or by contacting the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      It's really important that you focus on what you can achieve, you are capable of getting a job, you are strong enough to leave him, you should be able to see your family on your own when you want. You have the right and the power to do this.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2014

  • Genie

    26/01/2014

    I just want to post this for others to see, rather than advice. I'm 18 and WAS with a man of 20. At first it was great, we were like best friends. Then i discovered his temper. It'd start off as a petty argument which would then turn into him raising his voice, calling me a "f*****g c**t" with his face right in mine. Since he was something around 6'3 and I'm 5'2, it definitely seemed to be for intimidation purposes. Obviously, having never had anyone speak to me like that, in a family where you don'd disrespect, this shocked me and upset me greatly- then he'd shout at me for being upset and call me a "f******g p***y". However, his mother and sister were very argumentative too. All to each other. In car journeys they'd be shouting at each-other and calling one another names. This is why i thought i was the problem. I thought i was either being over sensitive, and crying over nothing if he grabbed me arm really hard or just wasn't used to a family being this way, and when we weren't arguing, it was great. Then eventually, he became more threatening. He'd say staring at me in a tight low voice "Do you want me to f*****g punch you?". He even said to me once with a knife in his hand "You know, i nearly stabbed an ex before because she tried me." I began trying him. Whenever he threatened to hurt me I'd say "Go on then. Do it." I know it may not be the best decision because who's to say he wouldn't of, but that didn't bother me, if it happened it happened, I wasn't going to feel like crap every time we argued. He hated me answering back. Which made me feel great. To see him lose control of me was nice in a way. To see him upset or asking me not to leave was empowering to me. It did even out until he completely changed and went through a 50s phase and found a 50s lady, and I decided not to be with him because I knew he was interested, regardless of him telling me she was too old for him or engaged or married or whatever her situation was. I know a lie when i see one and i always trust my gut. Two weeks later they got together and got pregnant 3 months in. A year later and she's now left him for the same reason after she spoke to me about how he is and lies he told her. I don't hate him for how he was, well, is, it made me stronger and wiser.

    Genie - 26/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Genie,

      Thanks for posting your experiences. It sounds like it was a really difficult time for you. I'm really glad you're out of the abusive relationship.

      I just wanted to highlight that we can still be affected by abuse after we have left the relationship, so if you did want to talk about it then you can contact the national helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2014

  • Olivia

    26/01/2014

    I left a message here a few days ago and got an email telling me it had been responded to, I clicked on the link but I can't find my comment anywhere?:/

    Olivia - 26/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Olivia,

      Posted messages appear on the page you were on when you posted them, so for example if you had just watched the MTV video and commented underneath, that is where you will see your post and any comments.

      I hope you find it.

      This is Abuse team 27/01/2014

  • Anon

    26/01/2014

    Relationship abuse is not right. It seems every resource / advert / help is geared towards the female as victim. In my experience they are just as capable, if not more, of abuse. The abuse may not be so apparent and the culture of men is to hide or excuse it in shame. But it exists and, worst of all, a very small minority of women will use this perception against their victim. Please use your resources to further enlighten the abuse men suffer too. A man may be physically stronger, but I've been punched and kicked - never retaliating - and I have been accused of domestic abuse to the police. Please help to reinforce the message that victims are victims, regardless of gender.

    Anon - 26/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi,

      Thanks for getting in contact. We are taking these posts in to consideration for future campaigns.

      I'm sorry to hear that you experienced abuse from your partner, and we acknowledge that many men fall victim to domestic abuse. There are services out there that can offer you advice and support, whether the abuse is taking place now or is historic. The Men's Advice Line runs a helpline, 0808 801 0327, which supports men and if there is a service in your area that offers face to face support they will also be able to give you the details of that.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2014

  • Cloe

    26/01/2014

    I was in a relationship for two years and I'd never been happier but then it all went down hill, all we done was argue, he got arrested a lot but then things got worse and he got put on remand but because I loved him I stood by him done everything I could to make him happy it just wasn't good enough... Things just kept getting worse when I'd go he's house and he'd start arguing id just walk away to stop it but he used to lock me in and not let out then he would use emotional blackmail and I wouldn't leave him incase he done something stupid and then it would all be my fault so I stayed with him, he wouldn't let me go out with my friends, he had to know where I was and who I was with all the time an then it got to the point where it wasn't a relationship anymore he just had control over me but yet I still love him:(

    Cloe - 26/01/2014

    Reply
    • HI Cloe,

      Thanks for getting in touch. Love is such a difficult emotion, and like you said when you were first with him everything was amazing, and it can be quite difficult to let go of those good times. But it is also really important to focus on the times he was bullying you. I'm really glad you're no longer in the relationship.

      It sounds like it would be really helpful for you to talk to someone, we are running live chats on the site Monday-Friday 5pm-7pm, or you can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247. You could also speak to your GP about accessing counselling sessions as you're entitled to 6 on the NHS, or you could get involved with your local domestic abuse service as many run counselling services or group support services.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2014

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