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This is ABUSE

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Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

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TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Results: 375 - 390 of 2084

  • Ambz

    24/01/2014

    I've seen the advert and I'm honestly worried that I'm like that towards my boyfriend. I get annoyed with his friends. I call him names, I can't believe it. I need help? Could someone please advise how I can snap out of it.

    Ambz - 24/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ambz,

      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of strength to realise that we are acting in a way that is abusive and to admit to that. You have made the first step towards changing your behaviour by posting here today.

      The way you are acting is not ok and you know that. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about it? You need to commit to change and there are organisations out there that can help. The respect phone line works with people who are being abusive. You can call them and have a chat about the way you are acting they are the Respect phone line (0808 802 40 40. They are open Monday to Friday 9-5)

      I have also attached a pdf on jealousy you might want to look at.

      http://www.respect.uk.net/data/files/managing_jealousy_leaflet.pdf

      We also have live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk about this a bit more.

      Take care,
      Becca


      This is Abuse team 26/01/2014

  • Robyne

    24/01/2014

    never realised till know that i have been in abusive relationship, physically, mentally and emotionally, i always got its my fault and accused of cheating when am at a course but recently i had been beaten up after finding out i was pregnant, gladly the police have been involved and i knew that was the last straw and i had to get out of there as soon as possible, unfortunately now i have nothing no house and no money, am scared and just feel like bottling it all up is the best thing right now x

    Robyne - 24/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Robyne,

      Thank you for sharing your story. I can hear what a terrifying ordeal you have been through and I’m pleased that you are not bottling it up and writing about what has happened here. You have been so strong and brave to get out of the relationship and you deserve some support.

      You are now in a situation where you are without a home and have no money – that’s really hard for you and I’m not sure of you are still pregnant or not. If you are or if you are not there are resources out there to help you. Have you spoken to any domestic abuse support services? The best place to find out what help you can get (practical and emotionally) is to call the national helpline on 0808 2000 247. You don’t have to cope on your own. There is also some advice below you may want to look at.

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100320005

      The more people you age supporting you right now the easier it will be for you to decide what to do next. You have dome the hardest thing, which is leave the relationship. You now have to go ahead with your life, but you don’t have to do it alone.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 26/01/2014

  • Tasha

    24/01/2014

    It feels nice knowing this has become a bit more recognised, especially as celebrities are saying it, people are more likely to listen and recognise abuse, i was sexually abused by my boyfriend until i managed to get out of it and i was afraid no one would believe me because he was my boyfriend, i hope everyone believes in themselves and manages to get out of these kind of situations...

    Tasha - 24/01/2014

    Reply
  • Jennifer

    24/01/2014

    My friend is being abused. After watching the Hollyoaks advert I went onto this website and read the "read the signs" part. 4 out of 6 relate to her life with him. We are worried about her because they're both young and yet everytime they see each other they have sex because HE wants to. We have tried to open her eyes and I've even given her a link of this website. She insists she "doesn't see it". Last weekend I'd had enough because he started arguing with her in the middle of KFC. I and another friend told him to leave with her to sort things but he snapped back telling us to but out. Even worse, he threatened another friend of mine and hers that he'd beat her if she didn't but out. He also calls her hurtful names and threatens to leave her because he's jealous that she spends time with us. Help.

    Jennifer - 24/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jennifer,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear that you are a caring person who has the best interest of their friend at heart. That’s great, as she needs people around her that will be supportive and not judge her. Which sounds exactly what you are doing.

      It seems that you have been able to talk to her about his behaviour in the past. If it comes up again you can let her know that you are there for her and that the way he is treating her isn’t normal. I don’t know from your message how old you are, but if you are worried you could perhaps discuss your fears with a parent, teacher or trusted adult. It’s a lot for you to deal with without support. Also if he is threatening to beat up one of your friends this might be something that they could talk about with someone in authority, that’s not ok and is against the law.

      When we care about someone we can want him or her to end an abusive relationship quickly, as we don’t like to see him or her hurt. However ending it is something only your friend can do in her own time. I know that’s really hard when we see they are in danger of being hurt.
      You have let her know that you are there for her and that there are places like this website and the domestic abuse helpline she can contact (0808 2000 247) It is important that she has people to turn to that she can trust, and you are one of those people.

      Take care Jennifer

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 26/01/2014

  • Ursula

    24/01/2014

    This is really good that emotional abuse is being hi-lighted aswel, because it is probably just as common and most of all, people think that it only goes hand in hand with physical abuse...it doesn't! I have recently come out of a relationship where he was emotionally abusive. I am still struggling to realise it wasn't my fault now and its been 4 months.
    One feedback I would like to give about the adverts though, is that there needs to be some kind of emphasis on how subtle the signs are... The ad seems to make it look obvious. Many mutual friends me and my ex have still are oblivious to what went on and almost don't seem to want to know! Because unlike with physical abuse, there is hardly anything to show for ' physically ' .

    Ursula - 24/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ursula,

      Thank you for your message and the feedback. You went through something really horrible with your ex and I can hear that you are feeling effected by the abuse. Emotional abuse can leave a person feeling unsure about themselves and the reasons for the abuse. What happened though was not your fault, it was the fault of the person who chose to abuse you.

      You say mutual friends do not understand what happened, that’s really hard for you, as you need some validation for what you experienced and someone to talk to. You might want to have look on this website for some support in your local area www.womensaid.org.uk or you can call the national helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 26/01/2014

  • Carys

    23/01/2014

    Hey,
    so this is very hard for me to say but hearing your advert on spotify made me realise that I need to tell someone. I'm 16 years old and last year (I was 15) I was cheated on by my ex, he was my first love and I felt like nobody would ever really like me. Early June 2013 I was on Facebook and a boy come up in my suggested friends list, I added him thinking nothing of it. He then contacted me, just being friendly but then he started being very flirty with me and honestly he made me feel loved. This went on for a few weeks. I stupidly asked him out but had no intention of ever meeting him or making it anything serious but I did really like him and cared about him. He lives in Ireland and turned 18 the day I asked him out. For a few months it was just talking but on the odd occasion he would ask for a picture of me to see what I was wearing. But that led to him wanting more revealing images. I would be honest with him and say it made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't want too but he would guilt me into it saying things like "but I'm your boyfriend, don't you trust me? I'd never hurt you." I didn't know what to do anymore so would take a picture. But they got worse from a little revealing to nude. I was scared and I didn't know where my head was. He then was away for a few months and I honestly forgot about him. He messaged me before Christmas and again after Christmas. I was scared off him, worried now as to what I had stupidly done. He asked for another picture of me as I looked a little different now and I finally said no and didn't take one. I panicked so blocked him on Facebook. This made him angry and he was trying to get hold of me. About 2 weeks after I blocked him. He messaged my school friend to get me to unblock him and talk (this was the 9th of this month) I added him and explained why I blocked him. I don't him that I hated myself for taking the pictures and how scared I was and wanted him to get rid of them. I also told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore. He told me that when he realised I'd blocked him that he hated me and wanted to hurt me. I managed to get him to delete the pictures and to send me video evidence, which he did but then said I have to make it up to him now and take my top off over webcam. I don't know why, I was still scared and in a state of shock that I did what he asked. After that he kept messaging me and I would ignore them as I was scared he would ask for something else and I wasn't 100% sure he had completely got rid of my pictures. He had my school mate as a friend and I told her to stay away from him and block him but she wanted to know why, after explaining, she hated me. She told my friends and I lost a few of them their trust and she continued to talk to him. I don't know what she had said to him but after not talking to him he got mad and said things like "iv heard from people you have sent pictures to more that me but 10 others aswell" which is a lie and I told him the truth. He then told me that he had my pictures still backed up on his computer and said "I think I'll keep those, not sure yet..." (This was a week ago) I was now terrified, I didn't know what to do and I'm too scared of telling them, iv already disappointed them before with a similar insident with my ex who is a boy at my school, because my teacher saw me upset I told my school and they sorted that problem but my parents felt very betrayed of me. This was happening at the same time as the insident I am asking for advise on. So yes I'm terrified of telling anyone. I now have no friends and I hate myself so much now to the point iv thought of self harming. I havnt blocked him as I'm afraid of what he will do, I don't know if he's saying he still has pictures to just scare me or he is being serious. I know this can't go on but I don't know how I can do anything if I'm so afraid. He messaged me again yesterday morning asking if I was gonna talk to him or not, I just ignored it.


    I feel so stupid and I pretty much cried all the way through typing this. Thank you for reading and I hope that you can help me in some way, any advise. Also if your reading and have been in a similar situation, my heart goes out to you, I know how bad you feel.

    Thank you for your time.
    - Carys x

    Carys - 23/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Carys
      I am really glad you got in touch, what has been happening to you sounds really scary and I am not surprised to hear how upset you are. This boy has been very abusive and has taken advantage of you. I understand that you are worried about telling people, but really that is the only way to get this to stop.
      There is some really good advice on these sites:
      http://www.childline.org.uk/explore/onlinesafety/pages/sexting.aspx
      http://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/11_16/control/sexting/

      You can call ChildLine and talk to someone in confidence on 0800 1111 about this.

      This boy pressured you into taking these images, please do not blame yourself. he is the one responsible. In fact, as you are under 18 what he did is also illegal.

      It's good that you have been able to talk to someone at school about the other incident, I know you feel that you don't want to now tell them about this but it is important to get some support. You do not have to go through this alone. As you are 16 now they may not tell your parents, but they may have to tell the safeguarding lead in the school. This is honestly the best way to get help and make this stop. I think it will also be good for you to talk to childline on the number above as they talk to lots of other people who have been through similar things, so will know how to help you.

      I am also concerned that you have thought of self-harming, you can also talk to childline about this - please do, as you really need some support in finding other ways to cope.

      You have been really brave,
      I hope this helps
      Take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 25/01/2014

  • Nicole

    23/01/2014

    I have been in a realationship for nearlly 4 years. And om not 100% if its a abusive relationship so I geuss I just want answers. Everyrhing at first was great, but recently ive noticed a diffrence in my partner, hes been like hes not botherd about the relationship anymore, we havent been out somewhere nice in ages, he always thinks about money by saying things are to expensive and we keep arguing constantly, and whenever he gets anrgy he calls me horrible names. Im really fed upi geuss I finally seen his true colours. I would just like advise x

    Nicole - 23/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Nicole,

      Thank you for your message, it sounds like you know that the way he is treating you is not right and you have been strong to post here to clarify that.

      If your partner is getting angry and calling you names that sounds abusive. You should not feel scared of your partner, if you do it shows that they are acting in a way that’s not right and damaging to you. You say things have got worse and now you have seen his true colours. Is this something you have been able to talk about this with anyone in your life– friends or family? If you can’t speak to someone you know perhaps you can talk to the national helpline on 0808 2000 247. The more support you have the easier it will be for you to decide what to do next.

      You might want to have a look at this website below for more information.

      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 26/01/2014

  • Lydia

    23/01/2014

    I saw your advert when I was with my boyfriend and what was said is exactly how he is. When it had finished I looked at him and he was smiling and I laughed out of dis- belief but then turned to him and said that it was serious and he just brushed it off. I'm not allowed any social media sites and am not allowed out, I'm also not allowed to go to university. I'm stuck as to what to do because I love him so much just don't want it to get to much. I don't have the courage to finish it as I am close to his family however I'm not happy anymore and don't know where I should go from here. I'm so glad I saw your advert as it has opened my eyes to what's going on although I'm so scared that I'm going to loose him. I can't speak to him because he just argues with me then tells me I have a certain period of time to get my act together else his going :/ please help

    Lydia - 23/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lydia,

      Thank you for your message. I’m pleased that you have felt able to come here after seeing the advert. It takes courage to speak out about abuse and acknowledge that what is happening is not right and its making you unhappy.

      All the things you describe in your message are abuse. Your partner is stopping you living your life and being free. It’s not ok for a person to tell another they are not allowed friends, a social life or an education. It is not his decision to make. You deserve to be treated with love and respect and live your life as you choose. This isn’t the way your partner is treating you and he knows it is wrong but does not want to change.

      You say you can’t speak to him because he gets angry and then blames you, for this and threatens to leave you. This is also a type of abuse, as he makes sure that you dare not even have an opinion of your own. I’m concerned to hear this Lydia as you sound like you are unhappy and feeling trapped. What is happening is not your fault, your partner is behaving in a way that is really wrong and making you feel like it’s your responsibility when it’s not.

      Have you spoken to anyone on your life about this – friends or family? If you can’t speak to someone you know perhaps you can talk to the national helpline on 0808 2000 247. The more support you have the easier it will be for you to decide what to do next. I can hear you love your partner, but the way he is treating you isn’t right and is having a big affect on your life. You might want to have a look at this website below for more information.

      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/

      We also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk about this a bit more.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 26/01/2014

  • caro

    23/01/2014

    I love my partner very much but i have got into trouble because he refused to share a benefits claim so i claimed on my own.he has aspergers and can be dominant but not violent.i cant get anyone to believe me

    caro - 23/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Caro,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear that you feel like you don’t have a lot of power in the relationship and you are finding this difficult. Your message is quite brief so I am not sure what you mean by dominant. Does your partner behave in a controlling way, make you feel like you have to do things you are not comfortable with or put your needs second? If this is the case you may want a bit of support.

      You say that people do not believe what is happening, if this is the case you may want to speak to the national helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to listen to what you have to say and will understand the situation and believe you. It will be easier for you to know what to do next if you fell understood.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 26/01/2014

  • no name

    23/01/2014

    I have been in a verbally abusive relationship, best thing to do it remove yourself from the situation, he threatened me and called me horrible name,I was scared to end the realtiomship but I'm glad I got out of that, everyone can do it!

    no name - 23/01/2014

    Reply
  • Unknown

    23/01/2014

    I, my two daughters and my son are always physically and verbally abused by my husband at least once a week. We try to move away but he threatens us.

    Unknown - 23/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      I am really glad you got in touch. I think the best thing to do is to contact the national domestic violence helpline. They are open 24 hours a day and will be able to advise you, tell you about local support services or about refuges. Refuges are safe houses where you and your children can move to and where he will not be able to find you. The helpline number is 0808 2000 247.

      It is really important to get support. You can always ring the police as well who can help you with injunctions etc
      We also have a live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 25/01/2014

  • B

    23/01/2014

    I was with a guy for 2 years from when I was 16-18. He started out really nice and I quickly thought I'd fallen in love with him. However he started to change, within the first year he was controlling who I was allowed to speak to, where I was allowed to go and what I was allowed to do. I was living with him at this point so he also had control over my money. I wasn't speaking to any friends or family anymore and I felt like I had no way out. I was depressed and barely left the house in months. He turned angry, violent and very controlling. He would constantly put me down and tell me to do things even when I didn't want to and cried. It was the worst few years of my life and it's taken me until now to fully admit that what he did was very wrong. I'm now focusing on getting my life back on track but think what he did will always have an effect on me and I still feel now that I am alone and as if no one understands.

    B - 23/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi B
      Thank you for sharing what happened to you. It is really brave to come on here and talk about this. I am glad that you are no longer in that relationship, but as you say, abuse can affect us for a long time and it can be hard to move on. It is really important that you have some support in dealing with this and staying safe.

      You can ring the helpline on 0808 2000 247 or if you google the area where you live and 'domestic violence support services' you should find info on local services. Women's Aid should have some local projects, they often have an outreach team where you can go to a drop in and talk to someone, or they may also run support groups where you can meet other people who have been through a similar thing and get help to recover.

      You are doing the right thing by contacting us, see this as the first step in your journey. If you want to talk more, we have a live chat mon-fri from 5-7pm.

      I hope this helps.
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 25/01/2014

  • Ellie

    23/01/2014

    After watching the adverts they've made me open my eyes a hell of a lot. I'm 23 and was with my ex partner 6 years with a 4 year old son. I've had friends and family tell me I'm been manipulated and mentally / emotionally abused.
    I ust to be happy. Confident. An most importantly strong for my son. Which I am not anymore. I got out of the relationship 2 days ago and now receiving abuse how dare you leave me etc. it ust to pull me in. Not anymore. I feel too tired and hurt ni hope other men and women manage to get out x

    Ellie - 23/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ellie

      I am really pleased that you have left the abusive relationship - well done, you have been really brave.
      I am concerned that he is still being abusive though and wondering if you have any support? you can always call the helpline on 0800 2000 247 and they can give you some advice and tell you about local support services. Perhaps you can also talk to family/friends, it's important you don't go through this alone and that you stay safe.

      Here are some safety tips that will help you:
      http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/keeping-safe/

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2014

  • Char

    22/01/2014

    Hi I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 38. Because of the big age gap, some of my family don't speak to me. We've been together for 2 years and for most of the relationship, we've not been getting on so great. He's had a few bad relationships in the past, so I think he's just protecting himself, but he says really horrible things to me like "don't ever let me catch you cheating or will chop your hands off" and tells his family and friends I don't do anything for him or help financially. I work and he doesn't. I do all the housework too. And when I ask for help it kicks off and he says I should do it and if not then I can F off home to my mum and dads. He says that I can't stand him being right and calls me childish and other words. When he's around my family, he's personality changes and he goes back to the person I first met. He says he's always doing things for me but I can't see it. I've gone to leave a few times, but as I've been here for 2 years, I have no way of taking my things back to my mum and dads unless he drives me and he's threatened to bin the lot. He says if I leave, it doesn't matter because he has what he needs already. I don't have any friends anymore as he says they try to bring me down because they're jealous. There is a nice side to him too, but depending on his mood I have to be careful with what I say

    Char - 22/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Char,

      It sounds like a really horrible relationship and I'm really glad you've come forward to talk about it. It sounds like your boyfriend is really abusive towards you and it seems like an unhappy relationship.

      There is no reason to stay in an unhappy relationship, and it seems like this one just keeps getting worse. I understand that there will be times when he is nice, but like you said for the time you have been together most of it has been unhappy.

      I can't stress enough that material things are nowhere near as important as your happiness and your safety. I appreciate that you feel isolated, but could you ask your parents to come and pick you and your stuff up whilst he is out? If that's not possible then you might have to leave a lot of your things there.

      It might be helpful to get in contact with your local domestic abuse service to see if they can offer you any support, you can find them on Google or on the Women's Aid website, www.womensaid.org.uk

      I'm really glad that you have reached out for support at this time, I think it's really important that you now follow your instincts.

      If you would like to talk more about what is happening then please do contact the national helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 25/01/2014

  • Laur

    22/01/2014

    It's non of my business but I'm worried about my friends relationship, she wanted to meet her boyfriends friends and he took her to a works party, she got in a mood with him and gets jelaous when he is on his phone even to family, then moans he always wants sex when she doesn't but taking it out on friends!

    Laur - 22/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Laur,

      It can be really difficult when we believe someone who is close to us is in an abusive relationship. Does your friend acknowledge that there are aspects of her relationship that are unhealthy?

      In this situation your friend has to decide whether she wants to address the situation or not. She has to do this at her own pace, but she would probably like a supportive friend to turn to. It might be helpful to show her this sight and the Women's Aid website, www.womensaid.org.uk to help her start to recognise what is taking place, and also to ensure that she is as safe as possible.

      If she wants to talk about what is happening, or you would like some advice on the situation you are both able to call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      It must be a tough time for you, but it will also be really tough for her so try and be as supportive as possible, I understand that sometimes this can be frustrating.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 25/01/2014

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