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This is ABUSE

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Results: 375 - 390 of 2116

  • alice

    29/01/2014

    Hi a few months ago I went to a festival with my friends. I met this guy there on the first night and I gave him my number as he was really sweet and it felt good to have someone interested in me. He sent me cute messages and then he wanted to meet up the next day, so we did. It all happened rather quickly....one minute I had said hello and the next I was lying in his tent after we had just had sex. I felt terrible, but as I had consented I knew it was just my fault. However, the next few days he kept pushing me to do it again and I didn't want to. He found me on the campsite about 3 days after it happened, and by this time I was exhausted and upset and just wanted to go home. He asked if I wanted to go to his tent and I said no, I want to stay with my friends, at which point he took my hand and practically marched me to his tent. I was too tired to resist. When we were in, I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there. He then told me to lie down, forcefully and I started to mumble a response and then he said it again. I wanted to cry. We then had sex again...i didn't consent but I didn't try to stop him. Everyday I go back to those moments and I want to cry or punch something. I can't talk to anyone about it and I dont know whether it was abuse or not. I feel like he violated me that night, but I feel like it was my fault? since then I don't care what people do to me, I just accept it and move on. Please could U help me? I don't want to feel like this anymore.

    alice - 29/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Alice

      I am really sorry to hear about what happened to you. What he did was rape and it was definitely not your fault.
      I am not surprised that his has upset you so much as trauma like this can take a long time to recover from and it is common to keep thinking about it.

      I am wondering if he is still harassing you or if you have not seen him since the festival?

      The good news is there are a lot of people who can help you, so you do not have to cope with this alone. I know you say that you can't talk to anyone, sometimes it can be hard to talk to people close to us, but it will help to talk and a great organisation is rape crisis - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      0808 802 9999, they are lovely and can support you and give you some advice. There may also be a local support group near you.

      We also have a live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk to us more. You could also talk to your doctor about getting some counselling.
      Whatever you decide, it is your choice and I want to reassure you again that none of this is your fault.

      I hope that this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 30/01/2014

  • Emily

    29/01/2014

    Hello i'm 15 years old my boyfriends 16 so i been with my boyfriend for six months 2weeks now and we are still together at first we use to go out have are fun if we was home watch movies and cuddle and sleep together. We both was a virgin till on new years day he came over i was home alone we had some drinks well mostly i did he was fine i guess? It felt like he took advantage of me being drunk so we slept together first time i regret it so much. In my religion losing you virginity is important so know i fill like i have to stay with the person that took it. So know when he ask for it i just give it i fill like if i dont ill lose him i'm scared i cant lose him. He does love me he says he wants to marry me he thus care about me however are relation for the past month its just been about sex... What do i do cause it hurts me at point i dont want to live i fill ashamed with what i done i cant even tell my family. I fill like a dirty slut.

    Emily - 29/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Emily,

      I can hear how upset you are about the situation that you have found yourself in. What happened is not your fault and you are not dirty or a slut. You sound very frightened and you deserve some support. You haven’t done anything wrong and you have been really brave to post here to get some help.

      Your boyfriend got you drunk and he stayed sober. This means that you were not free to consent to sex, as your judgment was impaired. Now you feel like you can not say no when he asks for sex, even when it is making you feel so sad and ashamed that you are wanting to not live. That’s really serious and really hard for you. I understand you have beliefs about sex but the way that you are feeling now is really difficult and you need someone to talk to about this. Just because you had sex with someone once that does not mean you have to do it every time they want.

      You did not consent to sex freely the first time and you are not consenting freely now, as you feel that you will lose your boyfriend. Have you spoken to him about how you feel? It is making you very unhappy and you need to make sure that you are not doing things that make you feel bad. If you look at the link below there is some information on consent you might want to look at.

      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/consentandconsequences/123-sex-consent-.html

      Having sex when you do not want to can have a lasting effect on a person and it sounds like this is really taking it’s toll on you. If your boyfriend knows that you do not want to have sex but pressurises you anyway then this is rape and is a very serious crime. If you were too drunk to consent freely to sex when you lost your virginity this too can be considered rape.

      I understand that you feel like you can’t talk about this with your family, you may want to talk to someone else in your life that you trust, such as a teacher. If you can’t talk to anyone you know you can call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence and trauma. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday)

      You are not on your own with this and you are not dirty or a slut. You need someone to give you a bit of support so you can decide freely what you want to do next and how best you can look after yourself. You have been really strong to reach out here.

      You can also come to our live chat if you want to which we run every Mon- Fri from 5-7pm to talk more.

      Take care,
      Becca


      This is Abuse team 30/01/2014

  • Anonymous

    29/01/2014

    (Sorry, I'm uncomfortable posting my name) It's been almost 2 years since my parents got married and everything has gone downhill since then. All my Dad does is shout abuse towards my Mum while all I can do is sit back and watch or I'll get a slap.

    My brother and sister don't help much either. My brother always finds a way to make me feel bad about myself and my sister just shuts me out; like I don't even exist.

    My parents don't pay ANY attention to me and they even said (I wasn't supposed to be listening) that I'm the least important child. Mum always takes care of my older Sister, buys her lots of things, babies her all day. Dad always pays attention to my little brother and will do ANYTHING for him. And then...There's me. I'm just there. Even my parents have failed to notice my insomnia, anxiety and social anxiety.
    I always feel bad because of my parents. The other day I was having a panic attack and they didn't even glance at me. Because of them, I can't trust anyone, I can't sleep, I can't eat and I hate life all together. I feel like this is abuse.

    Anonymous - 29/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Anonymous,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear just how hard this is for you at the moment. You are in a situation where you are feeling very powerless and that your fears and mental health are being overlooked. It takes a lot of strength to reach out for support, which is what you have done today. You don’t have to cope with this alone.

      You mention a lot of things in your message and all of them are worrying. Your father is being abusive to your mother and is being physically abusive to you. This is not ok and is abuse. Have you been able to discuss this with anyone in your life, friends, family or a teacher? Watching abusive behaviour and being subjected to abuse is very stressful and will have negative impacts on a person. You don’t have to cope on your own with this. You can always call the domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk about what is happening in your family.

      You say in your message that you have insomnia, anxiety and social anxiety and you are having panic attacks. That’s all very serious and no wonder you are feeling so bad. Have you been to your GP? It sounds like you may need to talk to someone about your health, as you are not getting the care you need from your parents, this will be something you will have to arrange for yourself.

      Witnessing abuse is traumatic and you don’t have the support of your siblings. You can also call childline to talk about how you are feeling on 0800 1111. It sounds like you really need someone to be with you at this time so you feel less alone and isolated. What is happening is not your fault and you deserve some support.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 30/01/2014

  • Becca

    29/01/2014

    My father used to be so sweet. He used to care about me and my feelings but now all he does is shout at me and my Mum. At first I thought I could trust my mum but now, so she isn't screamed abuse by my Dad, she blames me for every fault in our life.
    My brother is horrible to me as is my sister, sh recently said to me:
    "This is all your fault, if you weren't here everything would be better!"
    In high school, I'm having trouble trusting people and it's only my 2 friends that are keeping me steady.

    Becca - 29/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Becca,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear that you are having a very stressful time at home and that there is a lot of anger and negativity in your household. That’s really horrible for you. You are also dealing with your father being verbally abusive to your mother and yourself. It’s good you have reached out for some support, as all that is a lot to deal with alone.

      Have you been able to talk about what is happening at home with anyone else in your life, other then your friends? Maybe a teacher or another relative. The more support you have the easier it will be for you to decide how you are going to cope with this.

      If you think you father is being abusive to your mother and yourself you may want to call the national helpline to talk about it. You can reach them on 0808 2000 247. You could also call childline to talk about how you are feeling, 0800 1111

      While it’s good you have your friends it sounds like you might need a bit more support to help you feel like you can trust people, as that’s not how things at home are making you feel at the moment.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 30/01/2014

  • vicky

    29/01/2014

    Hi, I have been with my bf for 4 years. I think i am in an abuse relationship because he always try to turn every think on me as if its my fault like he has been stealing stuff and he lost his job and promise me it would stop and then goes and does it again and i find the stuff, he goes and turns it on me saying if i was a loving gf and gave him love instead of being a bitch, he won't need to steal this stuff. In the past he has hit me once when he was drunk and said it was my fault for showing him up and i deserved it. He always say i am negative and puts me down. Am i in an abuse relationship??

    vicky - 29/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi

      It does sounds like he is being emotionally and physically abusive. It is in no way your fault if he is breaking the law and stealing things. The only person responsible for that is him.

      Does anyone else know what has been happening? You can ring the helpline on 0800 2000 247 and of course can call the police if you are scared or want to report anything else. You can also anonymously contact crimestoppers.

      I think you need to think about whether you want to stay in this relationship as it sounds very unhealthy. If you do decide to leave, it is important to get advice to do this safely: http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/keeping-safe/

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 30/01/2014

  • sue

    29/01/2014

    I believe my daughter is in an emotional and verbal relationship. he has always dragged her down by calling her names and now he is trying to dictate how she manages her day whilst the children are at school. he tells her he wont leave because she cant cope with the children, but shes a good mum. he tells her she cant do anything and wont help her around the house. she has other health problems as well. she tells me she doesn't want to be with him and he wont leave and he says for her to go, but she wont leave the children with him. he says he will call social services on her because of her drug abuse in the past and that she cant cope. I don't know what to do to help her.

    sue - 29/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Sue,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how difficult this must be for you seeing your daughter in this situation. You are obviously able to support her, which is important, as she needs people around her that will be understanding and not judge her while in this relationship. Which sounds exactly what you are doing. There are also added issues with her health that must be very worrying for you on top of the abusive relationship she is in. There is support out there for her and it’s good she has you.

      It seems that you have been able to talk to her about his behaviour in the past and she has been open with you about the situation she is in. In a gentle and non-judgemental way you could discuss respect in relationships with her and ask her how she feels about the situation she is in. If she does not want to talk about it let her know that you are always there for her.

      When we care about someone we can want him or her to end an abusive relationship quickly, as we don’t like to see him or her hurt. However ending it is something only your daughter can do in her own time.

      Let her know that you care for her and will always be available for her to talk to and there are places like the domestic abuse helpline she can contact (0808 2000 247) It is important that she has people to turn to that she can trust, and you are one of those people.

      If her partner is using child contact as a way of abusing her you may want to have a look on this website to see if there is any information you can access to help you know what rights she has.

      http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

      You may also want to look on this website for more information for friends and family of people in abusive relationships.

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?itemid=1296&itemTitle=Support+for+family+and+friends+of+women+experiencing+abuse§ion=00010001002200410001§ionTitle=Articles%3A+domestic+violence


      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 30/01/2014

  • Caitlin

    28/01/2014

    Hello about a year ago I was with a boy who I had been with two years, he was nice at first, then he would start calling me names such as a slut and ugly and then he got violent, he'd grab me, push me to the floor and every time I try to get up push me down again etc, he used to checked my phone every night and I wasn't aloud to talk to boys. When I got the guts to end it he would still push me in school, send me abusive texts. He's seemed to calmed down now but I can't get out of head how bad I felt and all the flash backs in my head. I now how no self confidence and have no one who can understand me to talk to.

    Caitlin - 28/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Caitlin

      Thank you for your message, it sounds like your relationship was really abusive both emotionally and physically. I am glad that you are no longer in the relationship, it was really brave of you to be able to leave.
      However, I am not surprised that you are finding it hard to move on and that you are now having flashbacks - this is a normal reaction to trauma but can be really scary. It is also normal to feel like you have no confidence and that no-one understands.
      It is really good that you have come here to get some support, and the good news is that you are not alone, there is lots of support out there for you.
      I am not sure how old you are or where you live, but if you google the name of the area you live in and 'domestic violence support services' you should find a local support organisation. They usually offer outreach support, either one to one or they may have a group you can join where you can meet other people who have experienced similar things.

      We also have a live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk to us more. Have you tried to talk to anyone else about this? Maybe friends, or someone at home or at school/college? Flashbacks are usually helped by talking things through, you could also ask your doctor to refer you to counselling.

      This site is good and has some info about self-esteem on as well as a good game to help you think about your amazing qualities!
      http://respectnotfear.co.uk/selfesteem/

      None of what happened was your fault, and you do not have to cope with how you are feeling on your own.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 29/01/2014

  • Abz

    28/01/2014

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 7 months. We were really happy, until a few months ago. He started getting very jealous of everything I did. Like EVERYTHING. I have to watch what I say, and sometimes how in act around him.. Just in case he gets angry about it. He hates me spending time with my friends, as his social life isn't brilliant.. And he doesn't really have any friends out of school. He is two years younger than me (by the way). He kicks off a drama about a lot of things, and sometimes goes too far, And ends up really upsetting me. I love him to pieces, but he is Always so sad and depressed. He screams and shouts when he gets angry, and he can change moods at the click of a finger.. This kinda scares me. :-/

    Abz - 28/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Abz,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how frightened you are by your boyfriend’s behaviour and how sad it’s making you feel. You have done the right thing by talking about your fears here, it’s a brave thing to do and means you aren’t having to cope on your own with this.

      The things you describe in your message are abuse and are not ok. Your boyfriend is being controlling and emotionally abusive. If you feel that you are having to watch what you say or do in case he gets angry, or you have stopped taking part in really normal things because it bothers him then that’s really worrying as no one should stop a person living their life freely. You also say that sometime he goes ‘too far’. When you say too far do you mean he gets physically aggressive with you? That’s all really worrying as it sounds like things are escalating in his behaviour.

      What is happening is not your fault Abz. Your boyfriend is acting the way he is because he chooses to and there isn’t anything you can do to make him stop, only he can decide to get support and change. You deserve to be treated with love and kindness, not be frightened all the time of the way he will react to things.

      Do you have anyone you could talk to about this, friends, family, a teacher or someone else in your life? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take. You might also want to look on this website for more information about domestic abuse in relationships.

      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/

      You can also come to our live chat if you want to which we run every Mon- Fri from 5-7pm to talk more.

      Take care,
      Becca


      This is Abuse team 30/01/2014

  • Candy

    28/01/2014

    Hi guys just want to know is there any verbal advice u can to me as i have a friend who is going thru really bad verbal abuse by her husband l am not pressuring her at all bt i just want her to know there is light at the end of the tunnel etc but im scared she wont listen to me

    Candy - 28/01/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Candy,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how difficult this must be for you seeing your friend in this situation. You are obviously able to support her, which is important, as she needs people around her that will be understanding and not judge her while in this relationship. Which sounds exactly what you are doing.

      It seems that you have been able to talk to her about his behaviour. In a gentle and non-judgemental way you could discuss respect in relationships with her and ask her how she feels about the situation she is in. If she does not want to talk about it let her know that you are always there for her.

      When we care about someone we can want him or her to end an abusive relationship quickly, as we don’t like to see him or her hurt. However ending it is something only your friend can do in her own time.
      Let her know that you care for her and will always be available for her to talk to and there are places like this website and the domestic abuse helpline she can contact (0808 2000 247) It is important that she has people to turn to that she can trust, and you are one of those people.

      You may also want to look on this website for more information for friends and family of people in abusive relationships.

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?itemid=1296&itemTitle=Support+for+family+and+friends+of+women+experiencing+abuse§ion=00010001002200410001§ionTitle=Articles%3A+domestic+violence

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 30/01/2014

  • Mlo

    28/01/2014

    So I dont even know where to start. I honestly am just seeking out advice. Me and my boyfriend were together off and on for about a year. We just broke up once again and I miss him deeply. See our relationship from the beginning never had a strong foundation. A few months into it he accused me of cheating on him and not caring about him and all that. He asked about my past and I told him everything not holding back one thing. And after that, every arguement seem to come down to it being my fault and him calling me names like a whore, slut, hoe, etc. He was very disrespectful towards me when he was angry. Now I have a 4 year old from a previous relationship.And he also has a 5 year old girl. And my son's behavior has not been the best. He's much better now, but before it was a little out of control. My boyfriend use to get mad everytime my son would get out of control and say very hurtful things about him. My son did not have his father in his life and for another man to call him names or disrespect him was very hurtful. I stayed with him after he promised he would work on his anger and be more respectful. Well the months passed and everything just seem to spiral. Especially after he moved in with us.The accusations were more frequent and the arguements happened all the time. My sons father has started to make more of an effort now and that has angered him more than anything. he believed i had feelings with for him and have cheated with him. For the record i have never cheated on him. EVER. And when he would get angry his temper would get out control, call me names, disrespect me and get a little physical.He told me i needed to dress a certain way around him, could not go out because it didnt look right if a woman did. He went out all the time and always justified his answer by "it was okay for men to do it but not women".when he was anger he would put our business on social media and slander my name and never apologize for it. He has always had too much pride. Not once our relationship did he ever apologize for being wrong. its like i had to make him aware of the situation for him to even consider the apology.he always has critized my parenting style and never trusted me.He would make me cry all the time and just stand there and watch me cry my eyes out. well about 2 weeks ago he got very angry that my sons father messaged me to see our son. he left our apt and didnt return for about 4 days. when he returned i tried to talk him about the whole situation and he asked me to choose between him and my son's father. now what me and my kids father had was in the past, and for him to make me choose sounded quite riduclous. considering even if he did not help me out with any expenses for my son, he was always going to be apart of my life because of my son. so he said i made my decision and left once again for a few days.at that point i thought everything was done between us and went out with my girls. i met a few people and gave 1 guy mynumber. not sure why i did but i did. the guy began texting me and tried to make plans but i just blew him off because it wasnt what i wanted and i missed my boyfriend. well when he finally came home we tried to talk about things but then he went thru my phone and blew up. he was beyond angry that i had given my number out and stated i cheated on him and lied. Now keep in mind, when he had gotten angry awhile back he made accounts on these online dating websites. so during the time we were apart he did the same and i guess thats why i went out with my girls. well he was anger that he found the messages and in the middle of the arguement he shoved me into the wall almost knocking me over.Then punch a picture of my son and said this was his f** fault too. i began crying and made him leave. He blamed me for his anger and said it was my fault he shoved me.

    Mlo - 28/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      Thanks for your message. It sounds like things have been really hard for a long time for you and your son. It is not ok for him to control you or to be emotionally and physically abusive to you. This will also have a big impact on your son.
      I think you need to get some support. Does anyone know what has been going on? It may help to talk to your friends or family. You can also get professional support on the national helpline - 0800 2000 247.

      I think you need to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship. I know it is hard and you miss him when you have not seen him for a few days but you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Not all men will treat you like this. If you do decide to leave him, it is important to keep safe - there are some good tips here: http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/keeping-safe/
      Make sure you tell someone what you are planning and don't be on your own. You may need to change your phone number/online accounts and plan what you will do if he turns up.

      If you want to talk to us more, we have a live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm

      I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 30/01/2014

  • Lea

    28/01/2014

    Hi guys, I understand what it is you're trying to do, but relationship abuse expands over the whole relationship spectrum. Men abuse men, men abuse women, women abuse men, women abuse women. Statistics state that it's mainly women that are the victims, but if the men that are too embarresed to stand up were to have their say, it wouldn't be so one sided. My reason for this message is to ask if you could change the wording from "her" and "she" to "them" and "their" thanks for your time.

    Lea - 28/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lea,

      Thanks for your comments. We are aware that domestic violence can affect everyone, and be perpetrated by men and women, and there are services which specifically work with male victims, such as the Men's Advice Line, and others that work specifically with LGBT victims of abuse, such as Broken Rainbow.

      We are taking in to consideration comments from this campaign for future campaigns.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/01/2014

  • Daisy

    28/01/2014

    I am not sure whether or not I was in an abusive relationship for 3 and a half years. We met when I was 15 and he was 18. I'm not sure whether what I went through was classed as abuse. My partner isolated me from my friends and would often punish me for no reason, by ignoring me and refusing to see me. I could not share any of my feelings with him as he didn't care about my opinions or what I had to say. He never ever once laid a finger on me, so i felt no one would understand that what he was doing wasn't right. Part of me almost felt it must've been the norm in relationships. I felt I had no one to talk to and that no one would understand. I have never felt as lonely as I was when I was with him. Even after I tried to leave him he continued to worm his way until my life. Thankfully, I do not speak to him anymore and since then I am so much more confident. However, this is affecting my attempts to form new relationships. I have extreme issues trusting people and feel as if I am walking on eggshells all the time. I still have not ever really spoken to anyone about how my partner treated me and am not really sure where to turn or how to move on. I still carry deep feelings of insecurity and have almost no self worth. I just want to find out how I can move on from this.

    Daisy - 28/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Daisy,

      Thanks for getting in contact. It seems like your ex-boyfriend was really controlling, and this must have been really tough for you. I'm really glad you are out of the relationship.

      A lot of domestic abuse services will still offer services for women once they have left the abusive relationship, because, like you are experiencing, a lot of women still carry feelings and issues when they leave the relationship. It might be helpful to contact your local service to see if the offer a counselling service so you can address some of these issues. You can find your local service on Google, or on the Women's Aid Website, www.womensaid.org.uk, or by contacting the National helpline. You are also entitled to 6 counselling sessions on the NHS, however you would get a more specialist service through your local domestic abuse service.

      I hope this helps.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/01/2014

  • Eleri

    28/01/2014

    I've been talking to this older man for quite some time (there's roughly 6/7 years difference) and I really like him, but lately he's been trying to guilt trip me into doing sexual acts with him? I'm of legal age but I just don't want to rush, so when I don't do what he's asking me to do he says he doesn't love me. Also, when I go out he tells me 'don't flirt with other guys' and I'll say 'I won't' then he'll just say 'whatever'. The whole time I've spoke to him I have never once done anything or spoken to anyone else. Advice would be amazing - thank you.

    Eleri - 28/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Eleri,

      Thanks for getting in contact. It sounds like it has been really tough for you.

      I'm really glad you haven't let this man pressure you in to doing anything you didn't want to do, or didn't feel comfortable with. If your partner had respect for you then he would understand that you are not ready yet, and would not pressure you in to doing things before you feel ready. My concern would be if he behaves like this, what will happen when he does get what he wants.

      If you are being forced or pressured into doing sexual things you don't like or aren't sure about, then this is abuse. There are ways someone might try to make you do things without physically forcing you, these can include:

      Being made to feel stupid or bad for saying 'no'
      Being told you would do it if you loved them
      Being bullied into having sex
      Being encouraged to drink lots of alcohol or take drugs to make you more likely to have sex
      Manipulating your emotions, for example saying 'If you loved me you would...'

      It might be helpful to read through some of the other posts around this subject which can be found here, http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/videos/view/5#comments

      However, if you would like to talk a little bit more about what is happening then you can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247, we are also offering live chat on the site Monday to Friday 5pm-7pm.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/01/2014

  • Judie

    28/01/2014

    Hi I have been with my bf for 3 yrs, with a guy whos 6 yrs older than me.(im 21, hes 27) despite the long time we've been together I still cant be around him because I think hell judge me/swear at me. I feel like im never good enough and what ever I try to do, he doesn't appreciate it.
    He doesn't understand me and my emotions, he calls me slow, stupid and pathetic. I feel insecure around him and he always brings up his ex and says how good she was. It makes me feel like I am not important.
    He swears at me which makes me scared and I find him aggressive when he does use foul language.
    He also bad mouths my dad. Hes never there when I need him, he misunderstands me and we can't have a conversation that lasts longer than 5 mins.
    Atm, I feel like im not good enough, im fat, and ugly. Although im a size 6, and loads of people compliment me, but I don't see myself pretty anymore. Hes called me beautiful 3 times im 3 yrs, rest of the times he's callinge ugly, fat, loser, bitch etc.
    Please help me, its so stressful. Im 18 and ive also started losing hair which I think is because of stress
    What do I think and say?

    Judie - 28/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Judie

      Thanks for getting in touch with us.It sounds like you are having a really difficult and horrible time in this relationship. I can appreciate why you are feeling stressed and feeling at a loss about what to do. This emotional and verbal abuse by your partner is totally unacceptable. Although he has not been physically abusive it seems he is threatening and scary when he is aggressive and a healthy relationship is not one which is based on fear or having your self esteem chipped away.

      Are you able to talk to anyone about this. I know he probably makes it difficult to maintain friendships but is is really important you try and get some emotional support for yourself. What about your dad whom you mention - could you talk to him?

      I think it might help to look at a couple of websites related to relationships and abuse. Look at www.respectnotfear.co.uk and www.womensaid.org.uk and see what you can recognise on them that is in your relationship. You have been together quite a while and the thought of ending the relationship probably sounds quite frightening and maybe something you are not yet fully sure you are ready to do but try and remember that none of this is you fault and it is not what you deserve. whilst you may be supportive to your partner ultimately it is down to him to seek help to change his behaviour - this is not something you can do for him.

      If you call the National helpline on 0808 2000 247 they can discuss options with you as well as letting you know about any local support services in your area. We also have live chat sessions Mon -Fri 5 -7 if you want to chat to us sometime. I hope this helps as a staring point

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 28/01/2014

  • LC

    27/01/2014

    I met my husband just under 2 years ago and in that time we fell in love very quickly, he asked me to marry him and we were married just after a year. He was such a wonderful guy and as this was my 2nd marriage, I knew it had to be right and it felt right so I went ahead. My husband has always liked a drink, but recently he has been drinking just a little too much but I can't tell him. When hes been drinking he becomes, depressive, insecure, argumentative, aggressive and turns all his problems round to be my fault so that I end up apologising when I haven't done anything wrong! He is very clever at doing this and he knows exactly what he is doing. He says I am pushing him away as I don't talk to him, I don't tell him things, I'm not to try and be someone I'm not, this goes on for ages and in the end I just end up agreeing with him as its easier and saves on any unnecessary arguments and I'm concerned he will walk out and leave me for good. I love this man with all my heart and I want to be happy, but I'm not, I find trying to talk to him is very difficult as he just turns it around and makes it my fault, that I don't listen to what hes saying. Yes I do feel controlled, feel like I'm walking on egg shells all the time and I can't be the person he married. He isn't an alcoholic, but that "one too many" can make all the difference to our relationship. I honestly believe he is mentally/emotionally abusing me, am I right?? I would be grateful for any advice/help as I really want this marriage to work. Thank you.

    LC - 27/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi LC,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like a really difficult situation. From what you have said, it seems like your husband does not want to address his controlling behaviour.

      From what you have said, there is very little that you can do to change your husband's behaviour, it has to be a choice that he makes, and it seems that he isn't showing any remorse at the moment.

      Although he is being more aggressive whilst drinking, he still has some control over this and is choosing to drink knowing that this is the affect.

      I think it would be helpful for you to contact the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk a little bit more about your options.

      You may also want to consider attending an Al-Anon group. They support people affected by drinking. There is more information here http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 29/01/2014

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