HAVE YOUR SAY
Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships
If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board.
The chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.
Seen the ads? What do you think?
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Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?
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Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?
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Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you've got something to say about abuse in relationships then you'll need to accept our terms before you can take part - please see our rules on the right side of the page. You can then enter your comments below or under any video you want to talk about.
gajanthan
10/01/2013
it is said in your "myths" page that drugs and alcohols are not the cause but the offender.But won't drugs and alcohol provoke the subconscious desire to have sex and lead him (the offender) to rape?
gajanthan - 10/01/2013
ReplyHi gajanthan,
Thanks for your post.
Drugs and alcohol are never the cause of rape or sexual assault. It is the attacker who commits the crime, not the drugs and/or alcohol. If someone is under the influence of alcohol and is forced or pressured to have sex, it’s still rape. And blaming the victim is something that abusers will often do to make excuses for their behaviour. This is part of the pattern and is in itself abusive.
It's important to understand what consent it as well - you can find out more information here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult/consent
We hope that helps answer your question.
M
10/01/2013
Is it classed as rape when the female is very drunk and doesn't really know what is going on and the male takes advantage of her state and has sex with her? Especially as they are meant to be best friends and she had told him many times that she doesn't want a physical relationship with him.
He didn't use contraception and she was unable to really remember anything the following morning other than slight details.
Every time she saw the guy after that, he still tried to have sex with her even though she kept telling him that it wasn't what she wanted but she was too scared of what he might do if she tried to push him off. Whether he'd get angry or simply just lose him as a friend.
Does any of this account for rape?
M - 10/01/2013
ReplyHi M, thanks for your post. It's understandable that you have questions and you’ve made a positive step in confronting what happened.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a stranger or a friend, being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable and a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
Communication between both parties is essential; Just because you were not in a fit enough state to say “no” does not mean you gave your consent. This is a crime regardless of whether you have been drinking or not.
A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around and please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.
No matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
You can find out more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult
Take care.
j
10/01/2013
i think the ad on rape if too graphic and frightening and offensive.
unfortunately it was also aired around 9pm during a film which my 10 yr old son saw and he was upset by it.
i think it is too explicit and would like it removed
j - 10/01/2013
ReplyHi J,
Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that your son found the advert distressing.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.
Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.
Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.
The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.
We are truly sorry to hear of your sons distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.
Sophie
10/01/2013
I think it is great that these adverts are here to raise more awareness but I was just wondering is we were ever going to see any videos raising awareness to female-on-male sexual abuse and rape?
I know a couple of males who have been rape by their girlfriends and these girls don't think that their is anything wrong with what they are doing because as far as people are aware, men are the rapists and women are the victims.
It's upsetting to see the men that I respect believing that they 'were asking for it' just because they are male and these women leaving believing they were in the right.
I just want someone to take it seriously.
Sophie - 10/01/2013
ReplySophie you are the only person i know who thinks its serious and wants it to be heard. I was sexually abused and raped by my girlfriend (ex now) and her and her friends raped me. I hope by telling you and sharing this that someone will start doing stuff about female on male. I also hope your friends are dealing with it okay, i've had time to try and forget and if i remember correctly killing my self and drink was on my mind. Make sure there ok.
I wish you the best
Peter
Peter - 12/01/2013
Hi Sophie,
Thanks for your feedback. We are sorry that you feel like some issues were not raised in the campaign and please be assured that we do take all forms of sexual abuse seriously. We are aware that anyone can be a victim of abuse whether they are female, male, gay or straight. This site has lots of information and advice in the ‘your questions’ and ‘need help’ sections for males who have been victims of abuse and those in same sex relationships.
We work with partners such as the Dudley Safe and Sound partnership who have produced videos about male victims of abuse and those in gay relationships, which you can view by clicking on this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU
We have also produced a video in partnership with Broken rainbow which is intended to provide advice and signpost help for LGBT victims of domestic violence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U0ZJFdxCtg&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=2&feature=plcp
Thanks.
Luce
09/01/2013
If you were in a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship, and he made you feel so bad and low and awful that you couldn't say no, or in some cases that it would make him not hurt you or spread rumours about you, so you let him have sex without saying yes or no- is that rape? Even if you loved him.
Luce - 09/01/2013
ReplyHi Luce, thanks for your post.
Rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'. Just because you didn’t say “no” does not mean you gave your consent. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.
It does not matter if you are in a relationship with someone or if they are a stranger. It also does not matter if you start out by saying yes and then change your mind, or if you feel like you have 'given in'. It is also never OK to make someone feel bad if they don't want to have sex as this is a form of emotional abuse.
If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
You can find out more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult
Claudia
09/01/2013
If both people were in a relationship, but under the age of 16 and the boy blackmails you into sex, is it still rape?
Claudia - 09/01/2013
ReplyHi Claudia,
Thank you for sending in your post.
It is a common myth that “everyone is doing it”, but the average age for having sex for the first time is 16.
Many people wait until they are older. Even if you`ve had sex before it doesn`t mean you have to rush into doing it with your current boyfriend.
Sexual relationships come with risks, such as unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases and you always have the right to withhold consent. If he cares for you he will understand why you want to wait.
If you are under 16 it is against the law for you to have sex. If your boyfriend is older than 16 he could be charged with rape if you enter into a sexual relationship with him.
If you have been forced by your boyfriend to have sex against your will (or suffered any form of sexual abuse) then this is rape (it doesn`t matter that you are going out with each other) and you need to inform a trusted adult.
If you want to speak to somebody in confidence contact Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.
ellen
09/01/2013
i havent ever had a relationship but i am being asked how far i would go with someone if i act that i like them i dont know what to say
ellen - 09/01/2013
ReplyHi Ellen, thanks for your post.
It’s sensible that you’re asking this question and it’s beneficial if you know are familiar with these facts:
It is a common myth that “everyone is doing it”, but the average age for having sex for the first time is 16. Many people wait until they’re older. Sexual relationships come with risks such as unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases and you always have the right to withhold concent. If you are under 16 it’s against the law for you to have sex.
If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Loren
09/01/2013
I have a boyfriend, age 15 and im 14.
we've had sex, quite a bit, but some of the times, i havent wanted to do
it. Is that rape?
Loren - 09/01/2013
ReplyHi Loren,
Thank you for your post.
It is a common myth that “everyone is doing it”, but the average age for having sex for the first time is 16.
Many people wait until they are older. Even if you`ve had sex before it doesn`t mean you have to rush into doing it with your current boyfriend.
Sexual relationships come with risks, such as unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases and you always have the right to withhold consent. If he cares for you he will understand why you want to wait.
If you are under 16 it is against the law for you to have sex. If your boyfriend is older than 16 he could be charged with rape if you enter into a sexual relationship with him.
If you have been forced by your boyfriend to have sex against your will (or suffered any form of sexual abuse) then this is rape (it doesn`t matter that you are going out with each other) and you need to inform a trusted adult.
If you want to speak to somebody in confidence contact Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999
Jessica
09/01/2013
not trying to be mean or anything but people that rape other people are just sick.
i know about 3 girls in my year who got raped they ended up leaving my school because everyone was bullying them about it,
i dont actually understand why people rape....i mean dont they have a life do they do it for the fun of it or something
Jessica - 09/01/2013
ReplyHey Jessica, i dont know why they rape but personaly i think, that men are very serious towards sex and some become desperate, second, they get the good feeling of domination (i mean when the victim cries and stuff). Well thats what i think
Karmen - 12/01/2013
Charlotte
09/01/2013
I think trying to make people aware of this abuse is a really good idea.. but 'If you could see yourself would you see rape?' What is that promoting?
To me that is promoting that the perpetrator didn't realise he was doing it at the time there for letting them off because 'they were never given a strong NO answer.' they didnt know they were doing wrong so its okay?
I was raped at the age of 14, he didnt get what he really should of got because he thought i was 'up for it'
Every time i watch this it reminds me of the past. But i'm not saying its wrong, im saying make sure the context of your adverts is suitable. I'm not critisising because i agree that EVERYONE should be made aware of this, i wish there was something i could do to help other girls so they didnt have to go through the same thing.
Charlotte - 09/01/2013
ReplyHi Charlotte,
Thanks for your post and feedback on the campaign.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.
We know that young people can be confused about what constitutes consent. The point of this campaign is to show that someone doesn't have to say the word 'NO' to withhold their permission, there are lots of ways they might say they don't want to do something or have sex. Sometimes people might find it hard to say anything at all if they don't want to have sex, particularly if they feel under threat or are being coerced to have sex as in the scenario shown in the TV ad. So it’s important that people look out for other signs that their partner might not be comfortable and might not be giving their consent.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.
We are also sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. We think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
Kayla
09/01/2013
so even when your in a relationship and they force you to have sex is still rape?
Kayla - 09/01/2013
ReplyHi Kayla
Thanks for getting in touch, we are sorry that you may be having a bad experience.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Even if you’ve had sex before it doesn’t mean you have to rush into doing it with your current boyfriend.
Sexual relationships come with risks such as unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases and you always have the right to withhold consent. If he cares for you he will understand why you want to wait. If you are under 16 it’s against the law for you to have sex.
If your boyfriend is older than 16 he could be charged with rape if you enter into a sexual relationship with him. If you’ve been forced by your boyfriend to have sex against your will (or suffered any form of sexual abuse) then this is rape (it doesn’t matter that you are going out with each other)
Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. If this has happened to you, try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
Jess
09/01/2013
I understand ur tryin to put across the fact rape is wrong but I was raped at the age of 14 and tht was how I lost my viginity and it was awful
This advert is horrible and I get flash backs of when I got raped when I see this I know it happens but bein reminded all the time makes it worse I actually cried the first time I saw this !
It the worst thing tht can happen and that video is horrid but unfortunate to some but me and other girls had it worse I ended up in hospital with 7 broken ribs and a broken jaw with bruises and cuts covering my body I now support an anti rape group to help young girls but this has taken it too far !
Jess - 09/01/2013
ReplyHI Jess
Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.
Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.
Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.
The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.
We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.
Karmen
09/01/2013
hi i have got two problems one, is that i've noticed starange thing in one of my friends. I knew that she had a boyfriend whos18 but shes 12. When i was going from school i saw her and she said shes going to sleep over with her bf Tony, that made me start to think wrong. After like 3 moths one of her other very good friends told me she had sex with bf and then broke up. i was ill in a moment and thought i am supposed to do about that. But if i told her (im going to call her C so you just understand who am i talking about) so if id tell C she'd ask how do i know and i dont want to get the girl C trusted in trouble, so what should i do abot it?
Second thing is i went town vith my friend where she said wants to find her family friend. When we found him they started to talk in their language which i do not know at all. He is 25. all the time he was giving me dirty-like glances what made me feel very uncomfortable. Then i walked with my friend without him, after my friend said "he was asking me to be his girlfriend" i really didnt like these news. I told her that i got scared of her friend, i was embarassed to tell all the truth to her because i thought it just might be my fantasy. I want to tell her that he obviously is a pedophile, even if a bit, but he is. Would she believe me? because she knew that person whole life and considered him as a family friend you could totally trust. What should i do bout bothof the situations? I think there in C's case was a rape without her realising it's a rape. please help
Karmen - 09/01/2013
ReplyHi Karmen, thanks for posting.
First of all, sex with any girl/boy under 16, including oral, is unlawful. It doesn’t make any difference if permission is given or not. As your friends are under 16, sex with them is illegal.
The best thing to do is to advise your friends to get help. They can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problems or go to www.childline.org.uk where they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Daniel
09/01/2013
I am getting sick and tired of watching this rape advert of TV. It is one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen.
I had to explain what the advert meant to my 9 year-old, I've never seen so much distress on a persons face before, It is appaling how you or anybody has been allowed to play such a hard hitting advert.
It's disturbing, un-wanted and quite frankly I think it should be taken off air. It is ridiculous.
Daniel - 09/01/2013
ReplyHi Daniel
Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.
Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.
Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.
The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.
We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.
Liam
07/01/2013
I understand relationship problems but the advertisement on the tv is completely uneccassary. My girl friend had a similar problem several years ago and this advert just brings back horrible memories that she tries so desperately hard to keep from coming back. Is the graphical images in the advert really necessary. And does she deserve to be reminded of something inhuman by someone that is long gone in the past??
Liam - 07/01/2013
ReplyHi Liam,
Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that your girlfriend finds the advert distressing.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.
Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just
something that you put up with.
Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.
The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.
We are truly sorry to hear of your girlfriends distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.