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This is ABUSE

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Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board where you can talk to a trained advisor.

Have a read through the discussion boards, the chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.

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An expert from Young People’s Services – AVA – is reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 300 - 315 of 2219

  • adaobi


    He hits me force me tu have sex with him and lock me up in the house

    adaobi - 08/03/2014

    • Hi adaobi

      This is very serious and very concerning. Are you able to call the police on 999 - they will be able to protect you.

      You can also call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Does anyone else know what is happening? If you can tell people that will help to keep you safer, it can be anyone you trust - family, teacher, doctor etc and they can help you.

      We also have a live chat here every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you are able to get online to talk to us.

      You have done the right thing by looking for support, so please do contact people who can help you, you do not have to cope with this alone and you deserve to be safe and protected,
      take care and please let us know how you are,

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • HJ


    The "Your Questions" page says this "MY BOYFRIEND SAYS EVERYONE IS HAVING SEX BUT I STILL DON'T FEEL READY. " Surely this is only fuelling the belief that that only girls can be abused. Surely girls are also likely to want to take a loving relationship to the next level.

    HJ - 07/03/2014

    • Hi HJ,

      Thanks for you comment. It is a valid point. However, research shows that young women are far note likely to feel pressured in to sex than young men. That's not to say young men do not feel pressured in to having sex. However, young men are far more likely to feel pressured in to having sex by their peers rather than their partner.

      However, if you feel that you have had an experience that you would like to talk about then please do use our live chat service, which runs from the website Monday to Friday 5pm until 7pm.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • Ashley


    My boyfriend and I were arguing in his car. I was telling him how he never lets me or anyone else have an opinion or a voice and what he says is always correct and final... He slammed the car to a stop on the lanes and ordered me to get out repeatedly and then speeded off. It was about 45 mins walk from my house but the lanes were unlit and pitch black, and had no pavement or grass verge so I was forced to go back the way I came and walk the long way around which takes over two hours to get home. He came back for me but I was too scared and upset to get back in the car. I walked about 3 miles until I decided it was okay to get back in. He said sorry and bought me a take away. He snaps like this often but it's my fault because I've made him angry. He's just impossible to please. I don't know what to do.

    Ashley - 06/03/2014


    • Dear Ashley,

      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of courage to admit that things in your relationship are not right and reach out for help. There is support out there, you don’t have to cope on your own with these feelings.

      From what you write it sounds like your boyfriend is being emotionally abusive to you frequently, losing his temper over nothing and doing things that and put you at risk. You obviously feel uneasy about this as you have posted here. What is happening in your relationship is not ok and it’s not your fault. You partner may try to say that you are to blame for his outbursts and actions but you are not. He is choosing to act the way that he does. There is nothing you can do to make him behave in another way – only he can do that

      Have you spoken about this with anyone? Do you have anyone in your life you trust? Friends or family? If you cannot talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to give you support and advice and help you decide how best to keep yourself safe.

      We also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you want to discuss this more with one of our advisors.

      Take care,

      This is Abuse team 07/03/2014

  • Emma


    My x boyfriend pressured me into sending him inappropriate pictures and do sexual things with him and had anal sex with me when i said i didnt want to and used force so i couldnt stop him. he dumped me and I'm now really worried he will tell people what we did or what i sent him is there anything i can do? I'm living in fear of him now

    Emma - 06/03/2014

    • Hi Emma,

      I'm really sorry that you have had this awful experience, and i'm really glad you're seeking advice on it. It's really important that you understand that this is not your fault, he chose to behave in this way, and that doesn't reflect badly on you.

      There's some really helpful information on sexting here; that might be helpful to you.

      But my biggest concern is that your ex pressured you in to doing a lot of things sexually that you weren't comfortable with, and it sounds like some of his actions might have been classed as rape or sexual assault. I think it would be really helpful for you to talk a little bit more about what happened with a professional who will be able to give you some more advice on your sit ion. It might be helpful to call Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999. Alternatively you can chat with us on our Live Chat Function, Monday to Friday 5pm-7pm.

      Have you talked to anybody else about what happened, like a close friend or family member? The more support you have at this time the easier it will be for you.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 07/03/2014

  • Connor


    My girlfriend gets paranoid when i talk to other girls, and she hes been 'sexting' other lads. I think this is wrong, she checks my phone and hides hers, is or could this be a sign of her trying to control me, checking my phone, 'sexting' others ?

    Connor - 06/03/2014

    • Hi Conner,

      Thank you for your message. What your girl friend is doing is not ok and is abusive. I’m pleased you have felt able to seek support here; making the first step takes a lot of strength.

      Your girlfriend is being emotionally abusive and controlling. There is no justification for the way she is checking your phone and controlling what you do. The fact that she is sexting people also shows that she is not treating you with the love and respect that you deserve.

      Can you speak to anyone in your life about what is happening? A family member or a trusted adult? If you don’t feel able to discuss this with anyone in know I would encourage you to call the Men’s Advice line 0808 801 0327, they are a specialist organisation who work with male victims of abuse. It’s a confidential helpline where you can discuss your options and get some emotional support.

      We also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you need some support or a place to talk.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team 06/03/2014

  • Krishna


    I met my wife last year. She seemed perfect she was perfect we ended in marriage. Marriage took place in India. I believed she married me because of the love. But I realised that she married to gain entry into country to gain citizenship.She says she loves me but I don't feel loved I feel so alone. When I realised that she married only for visa purpose. She started abusiving me I being made a victim and making false allegations to my friends and family. i need help as She tried to Kill me. Please advice we are in rented home on my name I don't want her to stay with me or I don't want stay with her.
    I believe her presence is a life threat to me Please advise what to do

    Krishna - 06/03/2014

    • Hi Krishna,

      Thank you for your message. You are in a domestically violent relationship and what your wife is doing is against the law. I’m pleased you have felt able to seek support here, making the first step takes a lot of strength.

      Your wife is being physically and emotionally abusive . There is no justification for the way you are being treated and it is serious, the abuse you are experiencing is not your fault. If you feel that you are in danger at any point you can call the police on 999.

      It sounds like you have been dealing with this alone, which must be very difficult for you.
      Can you speak to anyone in your life about what is happening? I understand it can be hard to talk about abuse at home. If you don’t feel able to discuss this with anyone in your life I would encourage you to call the Men’s Advice line 0808 801 0327, they are a specialist organisation who work with male victims of domestic violence. It’s a confidential helpline where you can discuss your options and get some emotional support. You may also want to look on this website below to see if there are services that may be helpful to you.

      we also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you need some support.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team 06/03/2014

  • Jess


    I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months now, everything was perfect at first and at times still is now. However in august last year whilst on holiday with friends we were both drunk and started arguing, when we got back to where we were back he hit me so bad that he bruised all of my boob and arms. We talked about it after, and because t was totally a side is never seen from him before i ignored what had happened and moved on.since then until lately we've been fine, we'd have the odd Arguement, and yes at time I'd be worried he'd hurt me again when drunk. Last week whilst out drinking we got back and started to argue over something petty, he was really drunk and pushed me so hard back into my face I started bleeding really bad. The day after I woke up with a swollen face and all bruise eye and nose. He said at first he would get help because he loves me, and I love you. But now he's started to go back on the idea of getting help, saying he just won't drink again because that's only when it happens. We're only students and he's saying he wouldn't be able to afford anger management. I just don't know what to say or do anymore and it's starting to reflect on my behaviour as I feel very down.

    Jess - 05/03/2014

    • Hi Jess,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like it's been really tough for you.

      It's really important that you access some support for yourself as well as him accessing support. You can contact the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to find out what is available in your area. There are some concerns around your safety if he is choosing to use this kind of behaviour. There is also a lot of information on the Women's Aid website,

      It is his choice whether he chooses to address his abusive behaviour, and if he really wished to change then he would go through with this. However, it is not anger management that he requires as he is only choosing to behave this way towards you, not any other friends, family members or strangers in the street. What he will need to access is a behavioural change programme, and many of these are run free of charge. Those that aren't free of charge run on a sliding scale so as a student he would have to pay very little if there were a cost. For more information on this he can contact the Respect Phoneline on 0808 802 4040. But he has to decide to do this himself.

      I really hope you access some support for yourself to help you through this difficult time.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

  • Jo


    I'm hoping this site isn't just for young people. I had an awful experience almost 2 weeks ago with an ex who won't accept that I don't want a relationship anymore. He had been watching my daily routine and knew what time I was arriving home mid morning. He waited for me to unlock my front door then approached too quickly for me to get in before he reached me, he forced his way in and then forced me through into my lounge, I knew his behaviour wasn't right but I was frozen with fear as he had locked and chained my front door. After apologising for the way he had treated me in our relationship, he then asked if we could get back together, but when I told him I couldn't he became very aggressive and then he forced himself on me. I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this. The weird thing is that he was the one who walked away during a difficult time that we had early on in our relationship. Things have now got out of hand and he has gone too far, but I'm worried about what I should do as I feel that whatever I choose to do next will make him worse and he will come looking for me again. I'm also very worried as I have a daughter who knows nothing about any of this and I'd like it to stay that way in order to protect her. So I really don't know what I should do next.

    Just to add, he began watching my daily movements as I'd not been answering his calls or notes he had been posting through my door during the middle of the night.
    I feel kind of responsible for him reacting like he has, and this is something he has said to me, but I'm really worried that this is going to happen again, and other than contacting the police I'm not sure how to stop him.

    Jo - 05/03/2014

    • Dear Jo,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how frightened you. What has happened and is happening to you is a very serious crime and you have been brave to seek support here.

      You ex is stalking you and has raped you. You say he is still watching you. It’s understandable that you are frightened. You have done nothing that could have made you responsible for what is happening to you. You deserve some support and to be safe from harm.

      You say you do not want your daughter to know or to go to the police. But at the moment you are not safe. Do you have anyone else you could discuss this with, friends or family? Do you have anywhere you could stay, or could you contact a refuge in your area? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take and if there is refuge support in your local area.

      If you are in immediate danger you can also call 999, as what is happening to you is a serious crime.

      You may also want to discuss the rape you have experienced from your ex partner. To do this you can call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence and trauma. They can talk with her in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday).

      Your priority is to keep yourself and your daughter safe. This person has raped you and is watching you. They sound very dangerous and someone you need to seek protection from. You may want to look here for more information about keeping yourself safe.

      This is not something you can deal with alone and you will need to involve other people, as the more people you have around you that are aware of the situation you are in, the better you will be able to find options that can help you deal with what is happening.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team 05/03/2014

  • Amy-Rose


    I love my boyfriend and he says he loves me, we have been together for 4 years so I want to believe him
    When it comes to sleeping together being raised in a gypsy/traveller community is it not thought about until after marriage, unlike the majority of my family I am studying a degree at university and want to finish this prior to marriage, I recieve alot of pressure to withdraw from my studies however I persist in continuning.
    Therefore I feel that I need to be thankful to my boyfriend for allowing me to continue studying, recently he began shouting because I would not get married
    We began having sex as he said I needed to meet halfway in the relationship, not just do what I wanted
    I have recently found out I am 13 weeks pregnant but am too scared to tell my boyfriend/ family due to the pressure to get married immediately before the baby is born
    Recently my boyfriend has wanted sex, I have not wanted this entirely, one night I think he raped me but Im not sure, he held me by my arms and said that i enjoyed it and wanted him.
    When i said i was scared, he said i couldnt be because he was my boyfriend and he loved me it was natural.

    Amy-Rose - 05/03/2014

    • Hi Amy-Rose,

      Thank you for contacting us and sharing your experience. It sounds really scary.

      I want to highlight that him holding your arms and forcing himself on you is rape, you have to give consent to have sex, and it is impossible to give consent when you are so scared. He should have respected this.

      He should have also respected your views and beliefs on sex and marriage, and I understand that these are really strong beliefs within the traveller community. There is a traveller advice team which may be able to offer you some more specific advice and support, they can be contacted on 0121 685 8677.

      I am concerned about your relationship, and what is going to happen next for you, and I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to a professional. It might be helpful to call the National Women's Aid Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They may be able to offer you further advice and support.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

  • sara


    My boyfriend told me i wasnt a good girlfriend because i didnt want to have sex, or do anything with him. he told me that everyone did . it was my first time. I was in tears saying i was scared. but it happened anyway. I said okay , but i wasnt happy. that wasnt abuse, because i gave consent, but i was never comfortable with it. i regret it more than anything. i expected to be shown love afterwards but he just left me sitting there while he answered his phone calls and texts. i hope no one ever has their first time ruined like this , hope its as beautiful as most girls dreamed it should be. I have broken up with him now. but I have never been able to be with anyone else after him.i guess im now more "frigid" then i ever have been before now

    sara - 05/03/2014

    • Hi Sara,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like it was a horrible and scary experience. Nobody should ever feel pressured in to having sex, and using emotional abuse such as 'everybody else does it' or 'you're not a good girlfriend if you don't' is not acceptable. It sounds like you gave consent because you were pressured to do so, which doesn't really count as true consent to have sex.

      I'm really glad that you are out of the relationship, but it sounds like there are still some issues resulting from it. I want you to know that it doesn't make you frigid if you don't want to have sex again at the moment, and I hope that the next time it happens it is the good experience that you talk about. I think it might be helpful for you to have a chat about what happened with a professional. You might want to consider talking to Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999, or you can come and talk to us on Live Chat Monday to Friday, 5pm-7pm and we can try and point you in the direction of helpful services.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

  • Loren


    me and my ex were together for about 6 months and then he started treating me awfully so i ended it with him, we made up in January 2014 and decided to meet up on the 20th of feb just as friends.. but unfortunately worse come to worse and he forced himself on me and made me have sex with him.. I told him to stop so many times but he just wouldn't!! I'm 14 and I know it's illegal to have sex under the age of 16 but that was the first time and I didn't want to. He is 15, but he's 16 in a few months.. Is it still classed as rape or not because he's under 16??

    Loren - 05/03/2014

    • Hi Loren,

      Thanks for getting in touch, that sounds like it must have been horrible for you. Have you spoken to anybody about what happened?

      Yes, it is still classed as rape if he is under 16, and it was completely wrong for him to do this. Have you thought about telling the Police?

      It must have been really scary for you, and there are services out there that can offer you support. Childline offer support for children and young people who experience rape and sexual abuse and they can be contacted on 0800 1111. But I would encourage you to talk to a family member, or an adult that you trust about what has taken place. If you don't feel ready to talk to anyone yet then you might want to talk to us on the Live Chat function on this website, it runs from 5pm-7pm Monday to Friday. His actions were completely unacceptable and he has to be held to what he has done.

      I really hope you access some support.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

  • shelbie


    Iv been on and off with this boy for about a year and a half, I was really shy before I met him but he's very confident, the first time I had sex with I felt like I had to do it so I didn't lose him,so we was home alone and he started to try and have sex but I said I wasn't ready in the end I just let him cause he said its what you do when you love someone, so we started having sex but I pushed him away,he didn't stop at first but I told him to stop again and he stopped and then said 'come on baby' and carried on, after it happened I was shaking he split up with me couple of days after,we got back together and the next time it was ok, then we split up again, we continued speaking he came round to my house, he said loads of stuff to me like if you suck my dick I'll get back with you if you love me,you'd do it, childish ino and I was dumb for falling for it but I'm only 16 and it was my first proper boyfriend so I did, it he kept pushing my head down I asked if I could stop and he said no, so I carried on, I started crying but I didn't tell him, when he let me finished I just acted like I was fine,he then wanted sex, he didn't get back with me,which is not surprising now, I got pregnant and sadly lost it, he was upset but wasn't there for me atall, even after all of that I still got back with him so I think that's why I feel like its my fault about a month ago we was going out, he came to my house and stayed over he tried to have sex but I wasn't well so I said no in the morning he tried again, he kept trying to pull my pants down and I kept saying to, he kept lying on top on me&trying to have sex but I said no, I gave up again I didn't say we could I just stopped pushing him away cause I was to ill and to tired we had sex, I started to push him away but he didn't stop, I finally pushed him away and turned around I started to cry, he noticed a little later and was just like why are you crying and left in a mood, he split up with me the next day and turned up at my house a week later,trying to hug me&kiss me, when he touched me I started shaking, I just don't know what to think I don't know what happened I feel like its my fault for not trying hard enough and just giving up, I love him but is it wrong what he did to me? I don't have nobody to talk to and all I seem to do is cry

    shelbie - 05/03/2014

    • Hi Shelbie,

      Thanks for getting in touch and sharing your experiences. I'm really glad you've come forward to talk about this.

      What happened is not your fault. It sounds like you did as much as you could to stop this boy, so I don't want you to feel like you brought this on yourself or that you are to blame. You are not responsible for the way someone else choses to behave. He is responsible for his own actions and he is responsible for forcing himself on to you.

      It sounds like it was a really unhealthy relationship, because if it were healthy he wouldn't have pushed you to the point where you cried and it is really important to remember that if you are going to continue to have a relationship with him.

      Have you talked to anybody about what has being going on? I want to stress that your boyfriend forcing you to have sex with him, or perform sexual acts is wrong and was breaking the law, and this is his fault, not yours.

      You can talk to somebody like Rape Crisis if you don't want to talk to a friend or family member. Their number is 0808 802 9999. You can also talk to us on our live chat sessions that we are running Monday to Friday 5pm-7pm on the site.

      I don't want you to have to go through this experience on your own, and I think it's really important for you to find out what your options are.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

  • shazia


    Hi my ex husband raped me on number of times when i said no i got the curage to go to the police he got arrested and bail i then get a phone call saying they are lealesting with out charge its not far on me i am going through hell so i dont think the police or the system are working together its currupt in my mind as i cant do anything with my kids as i dont like going out how many times do you say to someone no no no no no stop stop stop but they will not it was hard for me as he did it more when i had my hystorectome its not even a year ago since it started i feel cheated on by the system he is known for it plus tuching kids how can i help stop him from doing it again

    shazia - 05/03/2014

    • Hi Shazia,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It must be so difficult and upsetting for you at the moment, and I'm really glad you've come forward to tok about this.

      I hope the Police put you in contact with some local services to support you whilst this has been going on, as it would be really tough to go through this on your own.

      Rape is never acceptable, and even in a marriage it is not ok for a man to rape his wife. It is your choice whether you have sex with someone or not. I'm really sorry that you feel let down by the system.

      I would recommend that you get in contact with Rape Crisis who will be able to signpost you to a local service where you could get support if you are not already. They may also be able to signpost you to an Independent Sexual Violence Advisor (ISVA) who may be able to assist you in staying as safe as possible and support you if you wished to leave. You can contact Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

  • Natalie


    My boyfriend who I've been with two months is so paranoid he always asks what I'm up to on the sly to keep track if I don't answer back straight away he gets in a mood he accuses me of cheating all the time he always asked who I'm texting calling where I'm going who I'm meeting he called me a slut for first time calls me.a bitch in a joki way say I smell in a joki way I told him how I feel I don't like it he begs to get back with me if I say it's over he makes me swear and promise on his family's life that I'm not talking to know one its black mail I said to him what does this mean

    Natalie - 04/03/2014

    • Hi Natalie

      It does sounds like your boyfriend is being emotionally abusive and controlling. It is also concerning that this has started so early in your relationship. His behaviour is not ok and should not be part of a healthy, respectful relationship. It's not ok to call you those names, even in a joking way.

      I am also concerned that you have tried to break up with him but he won't let you.
      Does anyone else know what has been happening - it is important that you tell people, maybe a family member or a teacher or someone at school/college?

      If you do want to break up with him, it would be best to do it publicly so you are not alone, and then you may have to change your phone number and online accounts etc so he can't contact you anymore. It's difficult but you deserve to be treated with love and respect and most boys would not treat you the way he is.

      This site may help:

      We have a live chat mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to chat to us about this,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 05/03/2014

  • Jo


    Hi, I wrote on here last week but think I forgot to tick the T&C box so apologies if this sends twice. I would like some advice please, but I know I can only give my side of the story.
    I've been with my partner for 6 years and we have a very loving relationship, we got on very well from the moment we met (through friends). Occasionally though he gets angry, he has a short temper which he gets from his Dad. He can shout and scream the house down if he gets very angry. He usually gets angry with me, my parents or my friends and it's always along the lines of us spending too much time with them and not just being alone. I don't see any of my family or friends on a weekly basis although I see my friends and family more than he sees his which I think adds to the upset. He thinks I don't listen to him or put him first, which is not true and he admitted last night that because he knows I'll do what he says or agree with him when he shouts at me he purposefully shouts. I do listen to him but can't always agree. Once I was 20 min late picking him up from the train station because I'd given my friend a lift home (she was very ill physically and would have really struggled with a suitcase through train stations, and the route to the house had been flooded to I had to take a detour), I texted him in advance to let him know. But he got in the car and I drove for a min and had to pull over as he was screaming so much and distracting me I would have crashed otherwise.
    Anyhow, usually it is just shouting and screaming, sometimes in my face, but last week he punched a wall because he became so angry, which left two fist shaped indents. It took him nearly an hour to calm down (it was 1 am) on a week night. He has since patched up the wall and I have told him that it was out of order. He says he is entitled to get angry (it was with one of my friends and I actually agree he has a right to be angry why) but I explained that I wanted him to understand that it was the violence that I have a problem with and asked him to go to anger management. He refused but agreed to go if it happened again. He reckons that anger management only helps deal with small anger busts and that being angry is part of who he is so why should he change.
    I don't know what to do or how to help him. I feel this has escalated recently and don't want it to any more. Thanks in advance for any replies.

    Jo - 04/03/2014

    • Hi Jo,
      Thanks for your message. Domestic abuse very often starts with emotional or verbal abuse which in time can then escalate to physical abuse. Your partner is very controlling and doesn’t want you to share your time with anyone but him. This is not only abusive behaviour but also very unhealthy for your emotional well-being, as being isolated from others can lead to depression and many more issues.
      We inherited and learn a lot from our parents when we are children but this does not mean that his behaviour should be accepted and by him using his father’s behaviour is an excuse to justify his own behaviour. Many people witness domestic abuse as children but not all grow to become perpetrators.
      I understand that you want to help him change his behaviour but it sounds as though he is not ready accept his ways and is minimizing his actions by saying it is part of who he is.
      I would suggest you contact who can offer more information and support to you.
      We also have live chat sessions Mon-Fri 5-7pm.
      Take care

      This is Abuse team 05/03/2014

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Results: 300 - 315 of 2219

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Don't write everything in CAPS – it's the equivalent of shouting and isn't polite or easy for everyone to read.

Don't post entire messages in text speak – it's ok to shorten some words but not everyone understands text speak or finds it easy to read.

It's ok to post links to other websites as long as they're relevant to the "This Is Abuse" debate and don't break the house rules in any way.

Don't break copyright rules. This means that you shouldn't post text you didn't write.