HAVE YOUR SAY
Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships
If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board.
The chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.
Seen the ads? What do you think?
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Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?
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Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?
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Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you've got something to say about abuse in relationships then you'll need to accept our terms before you can take part - please see our rules on the right side of the page. You can then enter your comments below or under any video you want to talk about.
Anonymos
14/01/2013
When I was fifteen I went on the train to an outside city with my friend *aaron* who was nineteen and his friend *jason* who was twenty eight. We had a few drinks in the park. On the train back I needed to use the bathroom so I walked down a few carriges to the toilet before I could shut the door *jason* ran in to the bathroom and locked the
door behind him. I asked him what he was doing but he just pushed me up against the wall and started kissing me I kept trying to push him away but he was too strong , I kept telling him to stop but he put his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet, he raped me. After it was over I sat there crying he just left me there .
When the train stopped I.ran off over to the security and told them what had happened the called the police and he was arrested but they released him on basil and he done a runner.
After the attack I got depressed and tried killing my self I have a hard time trusting people and a difficulty sleeping I suffered from nightmares and wouldnt leave my house I am currently in therapy and am getting better but not much it had been a year since the attack I blamed myself up to a couple of months ago I kept thinking I should have listened to my parents and stayed away from aaron as he was too old for me to be friends with I also thought that if I didnt drink that night it wouldn't of happened.
Anonymos - 14/01/2013
ReplyHi Anonymos
Thanks for sharing your story on this site.
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. In addition, sex with any girl/boy under 16, is unlawful. It doesn't make any difference if permission (consent) was given or not - as you were under 16, sex was illegal.
Please know that you were not to blame for what happened. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
It’s good that you are undergoing therapy and we’re glad that it’s helping a bit. You may also find it helpful to speak to someone at ChildLine. You can call them on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, including depression and suicidal thoughts, or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
The Samaritans may also be able to help - take a look at their website at http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ or email jo@samaritans.co.uk. You can also call the Samaritans helpline on 08457 909090.
We hope this helps.
Billie Rae
14/01/2013
I think im having a breakdown after being raped and i have nobody to talk to.
What should i do?
Billie Rae - 14/01/2013
Replyi know how it feels to think there is no one to talk to and that nothing can change,i know hard it is to forget.I was raped several times by my ex husband.It takes a long time to get over but even if you dont think so now you will.Even writing what you did shows what a strong person you are.I cant say that memories will disappear but given time you will get yourself back dont let him get the better of you take your time and please remember,not your fault.I know saying that doesnt really help cos it still happened but is true.With me I started out upset and hurt then got angry now I think that anyone who has been through this,the longer it goes around in your head the more that person has taken you had no choice at time but you do now you are more than entitled to breakdown but please dont give him satisfaction of taking away present and future as well as past you deserve so much beffer
anna - 17/01/2013
Hi Billie Rae,
Thank you for posting and we are sorry that this has happened to you.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime.
Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
Try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with.
It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
billie jo
13/01/2013
I think that this tv advert should be bamd from television all together as I find it very offensive and upsetting as I have experienced sexual abuse myself.
billie jo - 13/01/2013
ReplyHi billie jo
Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.
Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.
Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.
The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.
We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue.
callum
13/01/2013
hia if a girl says to have sex with the m other wise they brake up with you and then you give in is that a bad thing to do
callum - 13/01/2013
ReplyHi Callum,
If you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to, you should try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
We hope this helps.
mercedes
13/01/2013
one night i saw a 'freind' and he tricked me in to going back to his he pinned me down and had sex with me i kept telling him no but he didnt listen i was also very drunk. I have had sex with him before months ago and he didnt hurt me i only had a few bruises on my wrists. Was this rape??
mercedes - 13/01/2013
ReplyHi Mercedes,
We are sorry to read of your ordeal but in answer to your question we would clarify the following.
Rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
You can find out more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult
Sophia
13/01/2013
I hate seeing some of these comments saying "these rape ads are really graphic etc.." I think its about time that the world wakes up and learns what rape is.
Sophia - 13/01/2013
Replyi love you for writing this.
society need to stop trying to paper over the crack and open their eyes to what sexual assault is.
kittykitty - 22/01/2013
gertrude
12/01/2013
i hate abuse
gertrude - 12/01/2013
ReplyM
12/01/2013
I was pressurized into having sex by someone very close to me a few years ago and it is very hard to move on from. I tried to stop the situation and say no but due to fear i gave in and agreed and i'm struggling to determine whether this is classed as rape or not as I consented to it in the end?
M - 12/01/2013
ReplyHello M,
Thank you for sharing your story.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
If this has happened to you, try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust no matter how long ago it happened.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
?
12/01/2013
And what if the rapist is a girl?
? - 12/01/2013
ReplyThe law says that rape can only be committed by a man as for the offence to be committed there must be intentional penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus of another person with a penis. A woman can be convicted of sexual assault, which includes other sexual acts (e.g. intentional penetration of the vagina or anus of another person with a part of her body or an object). Both are crimes and can result in imprisonment. You can read more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult
emma
12/01/2013
hi my boyfriend wants to take things to quick but i dont want to what should i do
emma - 12/01/2013
ReplyHi Emma,
Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable.
You should try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Whatever happens, don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing.
We hope this helps.
V
11/01/2013
Hi, I understand what this campaign is trying to do and I'm all for it. But I wish it was being done in a different way, for example approaching teenagers in schools with the message you are trying to send because is incredibly painful to have to hear exactly what Zoe describes when I'm just trying to listen to some music.
I have been sexually abused before and every time I hear this ad my PTSD is aggravated. I see everything that happened to me in my head all over again and it just feels like yet another intrusion against my will and in my own personal space no less.
It would be helpful if I could mute Zoe's voice even and the banner ad continued. But please think about the kind of re-victimisation you might be putting into play when you tell her story like this. It could be messing with the lives of some of the people you are trying to help.
V - 11/01/2013
ReplyHi V,
Thank you for your feedback, we are sorry to hear that you find the advert distressing.
We do realise that this is an extremely sensitive subject. We also realise that the advert is confrontational and difficult to watch, this is because it’s a very real representation of a very real problem.
Research shows that there are large numbers of teenagers (both male and female) who view this sort of behaviour as normal and/or just something that you put up with.
Our objective for this campaign is to improve understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour, thereby helping people to recognise and name sexual abuse and rape as such.
The advert was developed with the help of several charities who work with people who have been affected by this issue and was also extensively researched with young people prior to being made.
The reason for it being shown on national television is an attempt to reach as many people as possible, creating national awareness of a national problem. We have already seen, in the response to the advert on this website, that it is proving helpful in enabling young people to rethink their attitudes towards rape.
We are truly sorry to hear of your distress but hope that you can appreciate the need to address this very serious issue
Iona
11/01/2013
This is one of the first campaigns against rape that does not blame the victim - for what she's wearing, for wanting to have sex and then changing her mind, for drinking, etc. - but the RAPIST. Congratulations for this, really.
I have been through this experience myself and although it happened four years ago I still have troubles coping with it; sometimes I think my mind invented it in want of attention, sometimes I blame myself for not having said a clear "NO", for behaving in a submissive way, for wanting to have sex in the first place, although not in that way, etc.
If someone that has undergone a similar experience has the same thoughts, DON'T. If it doesn't feel right in the first place, if you repeatedly think that THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU WANTED, if you felt fear, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
You don't need to have screamed NO to understand you were raped, to be physically forced or retained, to have fought your agressor, to have run away crying, etc. Sometimes it's not like in the movies.
You need to stay strong and believe in your thoughts and feelings; if you didn't want it, if you felt bad, if it was wrong; if it made you think MAYBE IT WAS RAPE in the first place, believe your own consciousness AND BE STRONG!
Society needs to understand that sex is not a power game, there is no "forgiveness for having crossed the line a bit", sex is what you want it to be not what you're forced to make it be. If you didn't want to, and it happened, it is wrong. If you felt it was wrong, IT WAS WRONG.
Society needs to empower women to BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES and their feelings, not to doubt their actions, specially in the case of RAPE.
I believe campaings like this one, which as I said blame the rapist and not the victim, help us to be one step forward in this situation. Congratulations!
Iona - 11/01/2013
Replybecky
11/01/2013
i was in a relationship with my ex partner for 8 years. within the first year the abuse started, i was raped in my sleep frequently as well as when i was awake.
i have since started another serious relationship with a man who couldnt be more different and we have been together for almost a year and a half. however im getting terrible nigtmares about being raped and flash backs when we are togeter. im still self halming and struggling to cope. my gp refered me to a counceler almost a year ago and as far as i know im still on a waiting list.
im despreate to be a normal person and put this behind me.
can anyone help?
becky - 11/01/2013
ReplyHi Becky,
We are sorry to hear about this traumatic incident from your past. You did the right thing by going to your GP. It might be worth following up with them on where you stand with regards to seeing a counsellor.
In the meantime, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
The Samaritans may also be able to help. Take a look at their website at http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ or email jo@samaritans.co.uk. You can also call the Samaritans helpline on 08457 909090.
Finally, you can find out more about self-harm and get advice at http://www.selfharm.org.uk/default.aspa.
We hope this helps.
Jas
11/01/2013
Is having sex with someone whilst they are under the influence of alcohol rape?
Jas - 11/01/2013
ReplyHi Jas,
Thanks for asking a very important question.
To be clear; rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'. Being forced or pressured to have sex without consent is rape and is a crime.
If someone is under the influence of alcohol and is forced or pressured to have sex, it’s still rape. Drugs and alcohol are never the cause of rape or sexual assault. It is the attacker who commits the crime, not the drugs and/or alcohol.
We hope that helps explain things.
To find out more information about consent visit http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/am-i-abusive/view/rape-sexual-assult/consent
Drew
11/01/2013
There is obviously a strong bias towards classing men as rapists on this site, as well as many other places discussing the issues of rape, and this is shown in your answer to Sophie by lumping male and gay victims together. I think there should be more of an effort on ALL sides to highlight that rape is not a gender-specific issue, and can affect and be caused by anybody (especially if emotional abuse can be defined as rape).
Drew - 11/01/2013
Reply