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This is ABUSE

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Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

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Results: 285 - 300 of 2107

  • Megan

    14/02/2014

    I was in an abusive relationship for about 6 months, we were togeter for two years but he became abusive about 6 months before I broke up with him. He was very controlling, and we would argue a lot, and when we did he was threatening eg punching a wall next to my head while on too of me, holding my throat, pushing me around, pulling my hair when I tried to move away, screaming in my face and holding my mouth just because I was crying. There was more, jokes about me being fat even though I was on the verge of bulimia. We had been happy for so long and I still have only told a few friends about it. I know feel like he has just got away with it with no consequences and he now is seeing someone else and doesn't seem to feel guilty and ashamed, while I have to live with it all and I still get so upset and I get asked about how He is by people who don't know what he did. He makes me feel like I'm overreacting but I do just want him to feel some guilt as to how he made me feel, and how I still have the emotional scars. I have used websites like this before, I don't want to speak to people on the phone, I just want some advice. About how I can get over it, move on, some friends have told me to take legal action but I don't know where I stand. And I don't want to ruin his life. I think I'm over it and then I see things about him and some new girl doing stuff we used to do. I'm over him, and I wouldn't want him back. But I'm not over what he did to me. I feel worthless. Completely worthless and used

    Megan - 14/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Megan,

      Thank you for your message. You are not over-reacting to what happened to you. Your ex was very abusive and violent with you and emotionally abusive as well. What he did was a serious crime. I’ pleased you are accessing help for what you went through as you should not have to cope on your own with this – you deserve some support.

      You say you can’t talk on the telephone, do you think you could speak to anyone face to face about what has happened. The feelings of worthlessness you are experiencing are very common after a person has suffered abuse. You may need some support to help you regain your confidence and to accept that what happened to you was not your fault and you did not deserve it. Your ex is an abuser and will probably treat all the women he is in relationships with how he treated you. You have been strong to get out and stay out of the relationship.

      You say you want to move on and get over the abuse, the only way to do that is to get some support for what you went through. You suffered something very serious. This website is a good place to look for support in your local area.

      www.womensaid.org.uk

      We also have live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like some more support.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 15/02/2014

  • Sop

    14/02/2014

    Is it normal for you to still love someone who use to beat you up and rape you almost everyday? when i was with him he was always abusive and horrible to me but i think i still love him. is this normal or am i just being stupid and pathetic?

    Sop - 14/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Sop

      You are definitely not being stupid or pathetic at all. Love is a very powerful emotion, and it is normal to still have feelings for someone even if they were very abusive which is sounds like your ex was.

      Abusers are very good at controlling people and manipulating them. They can show love just enough to make you think things may get better, or to make you think the abuse is your fault and it can be hard to reconcile those times with the times when they are abusive. I am really glad you are no longer with him though, as it sounds like it was a very abusive and therefore dangerous relationship.

      I think that you may need to talk to someone to help you deal with what happened and how you feel. You can always ring the helpline on 0800 2000 247 to find out about services in your local area, or google the name of where you live and 'domestic violence support'. You can also contact rape crisis http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ for advice.

      Abuse can take a long time to recover from, so it is really important to get some support and also to keep safe.

      We have a live chat every mon-fri from 5-7 if you want to talk to us more,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/02/2014

  • claire

    14/02/2014

    hi me and my boyfriend have just split up. he made me feel really insecure , but i cant stop loving him. in the relationship he would say that i need to watch what i eat and that im putting on weight. I am clumsy and i did break something once, but he always said dont break that, be careful. Sometimes i fully understood but he took it to extreme sometimes. the relationship broke down as we didnt have sex hardly ever as it caused me physical pain which i now know could be endometrosis. I would put myself through sheer pain to please him and it hurt that much it felt like rape. I would never enjoy it and this is the reason its broken down because he feels rejected by me. is it my fault?

    claire - 14/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Claire

      I know it can be really upsetting when a relationship breaks up, but it sounds like you are also reflecting on how your boyfriend treated you and realising that it was not ok? Commenting on your weight etc is not nice.

      It must have been awful to have sex when it was so painful, and it is not ok for someone to expect sex especially when they know that it hurts the other person.

      What has happened is definitely not your fault.

      Have you seen a doctor about the endometrosis? I think that would be a good idea as there is a lot that can be done to help you with the pain.

      A healthy relationship will not make you feel insecure or that you have to have sex even if you don't want to, and I know that you will meet someone who will love and respect you.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/02/2014

  • David

    13/02/2014

    I'm not naive and I left the woman who did this stuff to me. She did it three times and every time she did it I warned her that I would end the relationship. She was intensively jealous. She would take my phone and go through my messages and call history (my work phone) because I'd changed jobs and she didn't know who I worked with anymore (we were both nurses and worked in same circles in one town but I got a promotion and moved work to another town). She became convinced I was having affairs with colleagues and accused me and confronted me regularly. At one point she took my work phone away and I had to go to the police (who couldn't do anything because I didn't own the phone lol!) She used it to message every work contact to ask them if they were having an affair with me or if they knew who I was having sex with, which was highly embarrassing.
    She was not a young woman and I am certainly not a young man. She had two grown up daughters. The relationship dissolved in a flurry of violence, I was assaulted repeatedly. Eventually I had to move out because of her intolerable behaviour. The stress on me was incredible, it's taken me at least 10 years before I could trust another partner
    and start building a relationship.

    I can relate to what the younger people are posting on this site . Don't, not for a minute put up with this nonsense. I was a bit of a softy - I gave my abuser three times, three assaults, when she was punching me in the face (she told me that if I was a man then I should be hard enough to take it) before I left.

    Good decision.

    David - 13/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear David,

      Thank you so much for posting here. Your comments to other readers are really encouraging. I'm pleased to hear you are in a happier place now. It took a lot of strength to leave the relationship you were in and i'm happy you have shared your story here.

      Take care and thank you again,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 15/02/2014

  • Rhi

    13/02/2014

    I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a year although I didn't realise it at the time. He was very controlling and aggressive and I hated myself for letting it happen. The relationship finally ended several years ago and I thought that I was ok but I've not had a proper relationship since and in the last year I've realised how scared I am of getting close to someone again. I don't know how to move past this and I'm scared that I'll be alone forever because I can't trust anyone.

    Rhi - 13/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Rhi

      Thank you for contacting us, I am glad that you did. it sounds like you have managed to get out of a very abusive relationship and recovering from an experience like that takes time. Have you ever spoken to anyone about what happened or asked for some support?

      One thing I think you need to do is learn to be less hard on yourself. No one invites or allows themselves to be abused but the nature of abuse - how slowly it develops over time means that you are often quite a way into a relationship before you can recognise that it is abusive. There are services available to support you with making sense of what happened and how to move forward onto another relationship. Many women struggle with forming new relationships after abuse so what you are experiencing although distressing is also not that uncommon.

      If you call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247 they will be able to tell you what services are available in your area. Some areas have something called Survivors groups which are groups for women who have experienced domestic violence to meet and work towards a recovery from it. Groups can seem quite a scary idea but most women who pluck up the courage to go say they were really helpful. If that doesn't seem like a good option for you maybe talk to your GP as they could refer you for some individual sessions instead.

      Some women have found some books useful to read. If reading is good for you the two I woud recommend are Power and Control - Why Charming Men can make dangerous lovers by Sandra Horley or Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft ( your library could order them in for you).

      I hope that helps a bit towards working things through - give the helpline a call

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 14/02/2014

  • toni

    13/02/2014

    I need help to get my husband out of my life he has attacked me for yrs and in lost and scared !! And on medications!!

    toni - 13/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Toni,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear that you are under a great deal of stress and pressure from the abuse you have suffered. You have been brave to post her – you don’t have to cope alone and there is help out there.

      You say you are on medication, have you spoken to your GP about the abuse you are suffering? Do you know anyone you could talk to about this, friends, family, or someone else in your life? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take. You can also look on this website: www.womensaid.org.uk for services in your area.

      We have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk about this more with one of our advisors.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 15/02/2014

  • Tony

    13/02/2014

    Hello, my sister is 15 and has been seeing a 25 year old, he worked with her at a local restaurant and it became apparent he had been texting her and buying her gifts since she was 14. She had a boyfriend her own age back then but broke it off because off this bloke. She should currently be studying for GCSEs but he is always at the house so she is failing at school. He has no ambition in life and harsh as it sounds is just a bit of a loser,, lives at home with no solid full time job. I worry he is ruining her education to keep her close (we previously told him to back off to allow her to study but he still texts and comes over). I seem to be the only person against this relationship, is it just me?

    Tony - 13/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Tony,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how worried you are about your sister and you have good reason to be. The man she is having a relationship with is a lot older then her and she is still very young. If your sister is in a sexual relationship with him, he is breaking the law and committing a very serious offence.

      Are your parents aware of the relationship? From what you have written it sounds like they are. Do you have anyone else you can discuss this with, a trusted adult or one of your sister’s teachers? You are not in the wrong to be against this relationship, but you may not have the power to help her end it if everyone one else in your sister’s life is condoning it. It sounds like your family need to think about what is at stake for your sister and the implications for her long-term future.

      Buying your sister gifts and texting her when she was fourteen can seen as grooming which is an offence in it’s own right. Your sister is a child and he is a grown man. Have you spoken to her about the relationship?

      You are obviously a good brother who cares about his sisters life. If you can be there for her and discuss honestly your fears for her in a non-judgemental and caring way that may be the first step towards helping her. You can also point her towards this website. If you feel he is using his power over her to limit her interaction with education and boys her own age this is further abuse.

      We also have a live chat 5-7 if you would like to talk about this more with one of our advisors.

      Take care,

      Becca


      .

      This is Abuse team 15/02/2014

  • Katie

    13/02/2014

    Last year I was drawn in by a guy who is 14 years older than me. I fell for his typical lines and thought I was invincible and nothing could hurt me. I ended up too drunk, on the alcohol he'd paid for all night and ended locked in his bedroom with him. I felt frightened and just wanted to go to sleep, he wouldn't leave me be. I woke up to him still touching me and over the top of me, here being a dramatic size difference between us. There was approx 3 occasions of this, the third with him forcing himself into me, it took alot for him to stop and I left. He doesn't know, but nearly 12 months on this is still affecting me and triggering my behaviour.

    Katie - 13/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Katie

      Thanks for your post. It must have taken a lot of courage to write about what happened to you. None of this is your fault and what you describes sounds very frightening so it is not really surprising that you are struggling to cope with all this.

      Have you managed to tell anyone what happened? It is important that you try and do this so that you can get some emotional support for yourself. This could be a friend or someone you trust but having someone to confide in does help.
      One of the things that can happen after a sexual assault or rape is a reaction, often called a post traumatic stress reaction. This means that you can get reminders about what happened, maybe thoughts or memories that keep popping back into your mind or you find it more difficult to manage some situations or be in some places than you did before. These feelings are very unpleasant and often people react to them in a way that feels out of character or that they feel they have no control over. The good news is that if this sounds like what is 'triggering 'you then there are services that can provide you with advice and strategies to stop these feelings.

      You could either talk to you GP who could refer you to a local service or if you called the charity Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999 they could offer you some counselling. They offer an excellent service so if you can pluck up the courage to call them give them a ring. The other thing you might want to consider( or discuss with Rape Crisis) is whether you want to report this to the police. They take all disclosures of rape and sexual assault very seriously irregardless of how long ago it happened. These symptoms you are describing can be alleviated with professional help and you deserve the right to move forward with your life and enjoy it despite this terrible experience so try and contact one of them if you can.

      I hope that helps a little and that things start to improve soon for you

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 15/02/2014

  • Bertie

    13/02/2014

    A friend I know was having a n affair with a family friend, after a night out he forced himself upon her leaving a hand print with finger prints on her breast. I presume that during the struggle that ensued he tore his fore skin which resulted in vast amounts of blood on her the furniture and floor. This happened a while ago and not a day goes by where I do not think of it. Obviously because it was an affair and the families were close , it has not been reported I feel due to embarrassment but I wish this individual who I believe took advantage of the situation, and the fear of being exposed because of the affair. The women was a bit worse for wear and had been drinking. How do you feel I should broach the subjecg once again so this person can be brought to justice.

    Bertie - 13/02/2014

    Reply
    • Bertie,
      Thank you for your message, it sounds as though you’re in a really difficult situation as on one hand you fear the affair will be exposed if you speak out but on the other you want to help your friend. Regardless of the affair if a person forces themselves onto another person this is rape and they should be held accountable for their actions.
      You say that your friend had been drinking and this could make her feel somehow responsible for what has happened. Your friend needs to know that the law states that if a person is drunk they are unable to give their consent to have sex.
      I would suggest you speak to your friend and see what she would like to do as it is important that she is the one who makes the decision. You can inform her of services which can offer advice and support such as www.rapecrisis.org.uk or 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9.30pm).
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 14/02/2014

  • jasmine may

    13/02/2014

    My dad is emotionally abusing me and my family blaming us for his lies and threatning my mum and sisters a lot and then he tries to promise something but then says I am not supposed to know because I am an adult and not me and my sisters business because my mum and dad aare getting a divorce.

    jasmine may - 13/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jasmine,
      Thank you for your message. Abusers will often blame others for their behaviours and make promises that never come to light.
      Abuse does not always stop after a relationship has ended and if your parents are going through a divorce then they will need to come to arrangements on a number of issues such as finances, living arrangements, etc. Your Mother may need some support and advice around this and also some support around her relationship with your father. You could find out the details of your local domestic abuse service or contact www.womensaid.org for more information.
      We also have live chat sessions which run Mon-Fri 5-7pm.

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 14/02/2014

  • Molly

    12/02/2014

    I've been in a relationship for a while now and although I really do like him he makes me feel worthless. He makes me feel stupid and calls me horrible names and makes threats to me such as 'I'm gonna throw acid in your face' followed by a lot of abusive names. He is also very aggressive and even though he never really has hit me he has been aggressive and has gone to hit me before. I feel like I can't get out of this relationship because he is so controlling and always manages to win me over.
    He is also quite forceful sexually for example if I told him I didn't want to or wasn't in the mood he'd say 'you don't have to be'. I find myself crying about this quite a lot but I also feel like I'd be lost without him. My parents would be so ashamed if they knew I was putting up with this.
    Especially as once I thought I was pregnant and he's response was 'get An abortion it's not a big deal' I just don't know what to do anymore

    Molly - 12/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Molly
      I am really glad you got in touch as what you are going through is very serious. Your boyfriend is being emotionally, physically and sexually abusive. This is very concerning and I want you to get some help.

      It is never ok to control or threaten someone or to force them to have sex.

      Remember, that none of this is your fault. You are not 'putting up with it', he has put you in an impossible situation and I think you are being very brave.

      It is really important that you talk to people about this as it will help you and keep you safe. I know you are worried about telling your parents but is there anyone else you trust to talk to? Maybe a teacher or another family member or friend?
      You can also talk to us on our live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm.

      It is really important that we keep you safe, there are some tips here: http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/47-keeping-safe-in-an-unhealthy-relationship.html

      You can also ring the national helpline on 0800 2000 247 and they can support you and tell you about local services.

      Please do get some support, or come back here and talk to us.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 13/02/2014

  • Cara

    12/02/2014

    People are telling me that my boyfriend is abusive and my mum wants me to go to counselling - I just can't see it! I did start to question things after I saw the MTV advert for this is abuse and when our relationship ticked all the boxes it got me thinking that there could be some truth in what everyone was saying. We've been together nearly 18 months but over the past few months he's become really distant and angry with me.

    Cara - 12/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Cara

      It is great that your mum is aware of what is happening in your relationship. Sometimes it can be hard for us to see what is really going on, and it takes someone close to us to recognise it. I am glad you have had a look at the MTV site, have a look on here as well: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse
      If you are ticking a lot of the things on the checklist then that is concerning. I think your mum is right to be worried.
      There are a lot of great support organisations on our help pages that you can contact. Keep talking to your mum as well as it is important that other people know what is going on as this helps to keep you safe.
      We also have a live chat every mon-fri from 5-7 pm if you want to talk to us more.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 13/02/2014

  • Dean

    12/02/2014

    Well I was in a relationship and my girlfriend got raped she was pregnant It worried me for wot would happen to my baby. I was horrified For wot happen to her and It scares me to know that you get bad people out there, Wot do I do If people are making you not to tell anyone about raping?

    Dean - 12/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Dean
      Thanks for your message. It must have been an awful time for you and your girlfriend. You say you were in a relationship - does that mean you are not together anymore? Has she had the baby?

      I think that she will need some support to cope with what happened and it would be good for her to contact rape crisis : http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      0808 802 9999 - they will be able to listen and give her support. They can also explain what would happen if she does want to report it to the police and can support her through that process.

      You are right, it is scary that people do this to other people. It sounds as if some people told you not to report what happened?
      It is up to your girlfriend if she wants to report it to the police, but I think it is always important to get support from a professional organisation like the one above, as rape is incredibly traumatic and can have huge impacts on someone.

      I understand that this has also been very hard for you, so you should try to get some support too.

      I hope this helps,
      take care dean,
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 13/02/2014

  • Missy

    12/02/2014

    I was in a relationship for just under a year. I was regularly beaten up, left with bruises all over my body, strangle marks on my neck, black eyes, was kicked and punched for the smallest of things. I wasn't allowed to speak to friends that were guys. I made the mistake once of hugging an old friend of mine,...... my ex went mad. There has been untold amount of times where I am left with lumps on my head from him smacking my head against whatever is near. He used to force me to have sex with him. I got pregnant, he forced me to keep it, making me feel bad for wanting to get rid of it, and I was only 16. Two months into the pregnancy, he got drunk and started to stamp on my belly, the next day I had a miscarriage, he blamed me. The look in his eyes, and the pure happiness in his face when he was strangling me. He used to threaten me and my family. Saying he was going to come into my house..........he used to threaten to hurt my family if I left him. He would always check my phone, need to know who I spoke to and what about, needed the password to my Facebook and if I changed it, I would get a beating. One time he threw me on the floor and starting stamping on my face. He went inside to his nans, I couldnâ

    Missy - 12/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Missy

      thank you for contacting us and having the courage to share something about what you have experienced. It sounds like an awful situation and a dangerously abusive relationship. Its a relief to hear you are no longer in this situation but the effects of abuse can be long lasting.

      I hope that you have been able to re connect with your family and friends now for some emotional support as this is so important to help you move on from what happened to you. The National helpline on 0808 2000 247 if you call them could give you information about local services in your area. This may not be something you feel that you need but many women do benefit from some counselling or perhaps joining a survivors group where they can meet other women who have had similar experiences. Mostly women find this quite empowering as it helps them appreciate that the abuse was not their fault and think about how they can move on and rebuild their life.

      I hope things work out for you

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 12/02/2014

  • chloe

    12/02/2014

    I dont no wat to do, my parter pushes me around, pulls my hair, slaps me and breaks my stuff, we have 2 kids and i dnt want them to see it. We arnt suppost to be together due to police involvement and my family dont no we are back together they would disown me. I have moved away to start a fresh but he followed me, he wont leave. I cant ring the police, tell my family or friends. Im stuck and scared.its all my falt i shouldnt of taken him back and i shouldnt of dropped charges. I hope this is confidential and wont be passed on to the police.

    chloe - 12/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Chloe

      Thanks for getting in touch with us. Its understandable that you are feeling scared and confused about what to do with what you have described. It is not unusual for women , especially those who have children to give their partner another chance because despite the abuse as separating from a relationship is a major decision and very hard to do. The important thing at the moment is that you get some advice and support for yourself to help you decide what to do.

      Have you a close friend you trust who you would feel comfortable talking to about this as you are unable to share this with your family. If not perhaps you could try talking to your children's health visitor ( if they are at that age) as they have lots of experience supporting women in similar situations.

      Its important to remember that leaving can be a time when many women experience an increase in the violence and abuse so if you are thinking about this as an option its important to try and plan to leave safely if you can. The Women's Aid website www.womensaid.org.uk has information on it about safety planning and the National helpline on 0808 2000 247 can discuss your options with you if you can give them a call. Most areas also have an IDVA ( Independent domestic violence advocate). These are specially trained workers to support women experiencing domestic violence. They would be able to support you as well and will have worked with many women who feel unable to report to the police or tell their family about the situation.

      We also run Live Chat sessions Mon -Fri 5 -7 so if you were able to come on line and chat to us we could help you think about your options.

      I hope that helps a little

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 12/02/2014

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Results: 285 - 300 of 2107

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