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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

HAVE YOUR SAY

Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships or ask a question to one of our trained advisors

If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board. And if you’re worried about anything to do with abuse, whether it’s in your own relationship or a friend’s, you can ask one of our trained experts for advice.

Have a read through the discussion boards, the chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.

Seen the ads? What do you think?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape

    [73 comments]

  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical

    [134 comments]

  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?

    [21 comments]

  • Emotional Abuse

    [72 comments]

  • Controlling Behaviour

    [5 comments]

  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP

    [10 comments]

  • Mandem On The Wall

    A trio of friends meet at the place they love to jam - The Wall. Tinie Winie has a new girlfriend and with advice from the Mandem crew learns how to treat her with respect. The trouble is he gets it wrong and ends up becoming someone he doesn't want to be....

    [134 comments]

  • Twist and Pulse

    Twist and Pulse visit George Mitchell school to perform their latest dance routine for the pupils and talk to them to see if they are in the know about relationships.

    [0 comments]

  • Charlie McDonnell

    Watch Charlie McDonnell’s video about Sex, and most importantly, about Consent.

    [0 comments]

  • Bedroom

    Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?

    [156 comments]

  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it

    [8 comments]

  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it

    [5 comments]

  • Sam & Alice

    [12 comments]

  • If you could see yourself

    Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

    [538 comments]

  • Zoe's story

    Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

    [538 comments]

  • Party

    Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?

    [100 comments]

  • School

    Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?

    [79 comments]

  • Takeaway

    Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?

    [169 comments]

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Experts from Young People’s Services of Respect and AVA are reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 285 - 300 of 2041

  • charmaine

    01/02/2014

    im in a relationship with my crush and he kept saying he loves me and he is 17 and he cant wait for me to go to college and i cant let anybody know im going out with

    charmaine - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Charmaine

      Thanks for your message. Is your 'crush' older than you? I am wondering why its so important for you to not let anyone know about your relationship. Is there a particular reason for this?

      It should be possible to let a healthy relationship be in the open. Can you explain a bit more about this so we can help more?

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 02/02/2014

  • Anonymous

    01/02/2014

    I left my ex boyfriend as I was getting the nick taken for it and he wanted to do stuff I didn't but I still like him and I think he does me and I just don't no what to do? Incase he try's something I don't won't and he's 1 year older than me

    Anonymous - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Anonymous

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like you still feel confused about this relationship because you liked your ex. However, you are also anxious about what might happen if you get back together. I think its always wise to listen to those sort of gut feelings. Clearly when you were together before he made demands or suggestions that made you feel uncomfortable. If you get back together that might happen again and its so important in a relationship to feel safe and by that I mean safe emotionally , physically and sexually.

      Have you been able to talk to anyone about this because its important you have some support for yourself. A healthy relationship of course is built on respect and negotiation and not pressurising the other person. Take a look at the website www.respectnotfear.co.uk which is for young peopke and all about relationships. You may find it helpful.

      We also have live chat sessions Mon -Fri 5 -7 if you wanted to give us a call. i hope that helps a bit

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 02/02/2014

  • charmaine

    01/02/2014

    my boyfriend wants to go out with me at college but im scared stiff he will call me names and he says he cant wait for me to come college but im scared he will punch me or hurt me

    charmaine - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Charmaine

      Thanks for getting in touch. It really sounds like you are not entirely sure about this relationship. A healthy relationship should not see you being fearful or worried that your boyfriend might hurt you or call you nasty names. Those behaviours are abuse and unacceptable. Have you been able to talk to any of your friends about your worries? I would encourage you to do that as its difficult to manage alone when you feel anxious and scared.

      Take a look at this website for young people www.respectnotfear.co.uk which gives lots of useful advice and tips. Maybe take a look and weigh up what the benefits are to you from this relationship.

      i hope that helps a bit

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 02/02/2014

  • Jess

    01/02/2014

    Last year i was in my first serious relationship
    It was great at first and i loved it but after 4 months he started talking about sex constantly
    One day he just forced himself on me and had sex with me
    I didnt want to and didnt give my consent but i didnt push him away as i was scared
    Im not sure whether this is rape or not.. thanks

    Jess - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Jess

      Thanks for getting in touch. I am really glad you did as you shouldn't have to cope with something like this alone. I know you may feel confused about what happened but yes this was rape. You said you did not want sex and didn't give your consent so this makes it rape. You also don't have to say no verbally for it to mean that you didn't consent to sex. There is information about sex and the law on these links - www.brook.org.uk or www.c4urself.org.uk which you might find useful.

      Something like this happening can be traumatic and frightening and its really important for you to try and get some support for yourself. This could be from a parent or close friend if you felt able to talk to them about what happened. If not you could talk to rape crisis on 0808 802 9999 who offer a fantastic confidential service. Rape can have long term effects on you so please try and give them a call.

      Also I am not sure from your message how recent this was. Maybe pop along to your local sexual health clinic and get yourself checked out. They are used to dealing with situations like yours and again its all confidential. Remember this is not your fault and there are services out there that can help you recover and move on and enjoy your life.

      i hope things work out for you

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 02/02/2014

  • Billie

    01/02/2014

    my friend is having sex underage but she doesn't tell anyone about it..she got pregnant twice but she doesn't want anyone to know because she is scared

    Billie - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Billie

      Thanks for getting in touch with us. Firstly your friend is lucky to have you as its really hard to cope with things like this on your own so I am sure she appreciates you being there for her.

      I can understand that' she feels scared. Lots of young girls worry about this especially when they are underage as they think they will be in trouble if they tell anyone. Is it her boyfriend that she fell pregnant with and are they a similar age? If he is quite a bit older than her then she may need to find the courage to tell someone about what is going on - maybe she would let you help her do that. My worry would be that perhaps she is not really wanting to have a sexual relationship and either can't say no to him or does not know how to get out of this relationship. If however, she is consenting to sex then that might be a bit different.

      If your friend is most worried about the fact she is underage then there is a good website for young people about sex which is www.c4urself.org.uk and I am attaching the link that deals with the law and sex http://www.c4urself.org.uk/youth/sexlaw.php. Most clinics are very understanding if both young people are consenting to the relationship but if this is not the case they would want to try and help her to safely end the relationship.

      Billie we also have Live chat sessions Mon- Fri 5 -7. Do you think either she or you would want to call and talk to us a bit more about this. All the calls are confidential and no one would judge her or be cross with her.

      Another option would be to try and encourage her to talk to an adult she trusts.It could be a parent or if not maybe a teacher, youth leader, school nurse.....someone like that because all of these people should be able to offer her advice and support. You could also get her to look at the Brook Advisory website on www.brook.org.uk which is a specialist contraceptive and pregnancy service for those aged under 25. Again everything is confidential.They could also tell her about local sexual health clinics in her area that she could go to for advice as well. This is very important as she should get some help choosing a type of contraceptive that suits her so she can avoid falling pregnant.

      I hope that helps a bit as somewhere to start and that things work out for her. She is lucky to have you!

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 02/02/2014

  • Ash

    01/02/2014

    So I'm in a new relationship, its all going well, and i managed to help my boyfriend out of some stuff (regarding soft drugs) and I tried my best, he says i have helped yet he blames occasions on relapses and recently (last 3 weeks or so) he has veen saying how he feels this is all too good to he true, he wabts to go through my phone and messages and I want to let him, I love him so much i just wabna prove to him I'm not doing anyrhing behind his back :/ but i dont know what to do please help :(

    Ash - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ash,

      Thanks for your comment. It sounds like a really difficult time.

      I am quite concerned about your boyfriend's controlling behaviour, as these things tend to escalate, so at the moment he wants to read your texts, but next he might not want you seeing certain friends, or wearing certain items of clothing.

      If he wants to address it then he can get help, the Respect Phoneline can talk him through why his behaviour is not acceptable and challenge some of the views that he might have, their number is 0808 802 4040, they also have a lot of great information on their website, www.respectphoneline.org.uk, including a leaflet on managing jealousy.

      However, my biggest concern is whether you are being supported or not. It might be helpful for you to talk to friends or family about his behaviour. Just in case things change or get worse, it means that they can look out for you. You can also talk to us, we are running a Live Chat service 5pm-7pm Monday to Friday, or you can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247 if you have got any worries or would like to talk about this in a little bit more detail.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 02/02/2014

  • Jodie

    01/02/2014

    I've been in my relationship 7 years and married nearly 3, past year or so we just constantly argue, he hates me being friends with my male friends, constantly puts me down and isn't very helpful when it comes to financial difficulties :( we have a 3 year old boy an many times he's gets angry so quickly an even called him a life sentence, how do I get out of it I'm scared

    Jodie - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jodie,

      Thanks for coming forward and talking about this. It sounds like a really horrible situation to be in, and I'm glad that you can see that the best thing to do for you and your son is to leave. It seems like your partner is really controlling, and you are clearly scared of him. Fear is never acceptable in a relationship.

      This link takes you to the Women's Aid website and talks about how to leave as safely as possible, http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005 and this link talks through where you could go and housing options. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100320002

      There are a lot of services out there that can help you, so don't feel that you have to do this all on your own. Something that you might consider is if there is somewhere you can go for a day or two, a parent's house or a friends house. Then I would recommend getting in contact with your local domestic abuse service, you can find them on google, or by contacting the national helpline on 0808 2000 247, they will be able to support you through all of this.

      If you would like any legal advice around your son, child contact or anything like that then you might also want to call the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 802 0008, it is a free legal advice service.

      If you feel that you are in danger then call 999.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 02/02/2014

  • S.E.A

    01/02/2014

    I have helped people who have been in really difficult and abusive relationships but I would like to make it known that it really isn't just girls who get the abuse. Boys, if this has happened to you, or you've been in difficult situations, please don't be shy or troubled. There are always people to help for both sexes. The media presents a strong image about abuse towards females, but it can happen to males too. For both genders, if abuse has happened, or if you are worried about something, do not hesitate to ask for support from this website, your parents, childline and others who you can trust. I know its hard, I have been there, but once you talk to someone it can help you greatly.

    S.E.A - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi S.E.A,

      Thanks for your comment. I understand that the two recent adverts highlight women as victims, but you are correct, there can be male victims and female perpetrators of both domestic abuse and sexual violence.

      There are some really helpful services out there that can guide and support male victims of both of these crimes, the Men's Advice Line, 0808 801 0327, offers advice and support for men experiencing domestic abuse, their website is www.mensadviceline.org.uk. Survivors UK offers a service for men who have experienced sexual assault and rape, 0845 122 1201, their website is www.survivorsuk.org.

      Thanks for your comment,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 02/02/2014

  • Lauren

    01/02/2014

    Hi my name is Lauren I was in relationship 3 years ago when my ex tried forcing me in to it I felt like I couldant say no but lucky that he did not get inside me cause I was not in that mood does that mean anything?

    Lauren - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lauren,

      Thanks for getting in touch. I'm really glad that you are out of the relationship now, it must have been really horrible for you.

      Nobody has the right to pressure you in to doing something you don't want to do, and if somebody is pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts on them then this is technically rape.

      It is your body, and you can do what you like, but it is also your right to say no when you don't want something, and if somebody wants to have sex with you then you do have to physically say yes to them for it to be consensual.

      It is really important that you may say yes because you feel under pressure, but if you have sex with someone because they pressure you, or nag you, or you feel bullied in to it in any way then that is not ok, and it is considered sexual assault or rape.

      I'm glad you're no longer in the relationship anymore, but if you wanted to talk to us about it then we are running private live chats Monday to Friday, 5pm until 7pm. There is also a lot of information on the Rape Crisis website about consent, www.rapecrisis.org.uk.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 02/02/2014

  • Charley

    01/02/2014

    I liked an older boy and he knew that and abused my trust and raped me I told my mum and dad and the police but I'm scared and really worried everyday still

    Charley - 01/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Charley,

      I'm really sorry to hear about your experience, it must have been awful for you. It is never acceptable to force something in to doing something they don't want to do.

      I'm really glad that you told your parents and the Police, it is really helpful to have someone to support you through this, and it is so important that these incidents are reported to the Police so that people can be held accountable for their actions. The Police could also help you with keeping safe.

      There are some services out there that might be able to advise you on feeling safer, as well as putting you in contact with some groups or therapy services that might be able to help. You can contact Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 01/02/2014

  • LALA

    31/01/2014

    Im no longer in the relationship but my partner constantly put me down that I now have no confidence in myself. I want to get the old me back. How do you build your confidence back up when for years someone has told you that youre overweight (I was a size 10), you shouldnt smile too much cause your lines are getting worse, how you have a terrible laugh when chatting to your friends over the phone, how you are pulling faces when watching tv or how you make noises and move in yr sleep. He didnt like any of it and dug me out every day. I was watching my every move in the end. I was always so confident before. He didnt like if I met friends unless it was just a local meal for couple hrs. He rang me 10 times a day at work about nothing. I hated myself.

    LALA - 31/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lala,

      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of courage to share what has happened to you and ask for support. I’m happy you have felt able to here.

      You say you are no longer in an abusive relationship, but the after effects are still with you and it is affecting your confidence now. That’s not surprising as you have been through a lot of verbal abuse, control and being put down. You have had to be really strong. What has happened to you has not been your fault you deserve some support to assist you to heal.

      Have you had any support for what you have been through? Have you been able to talk about it with family or friends? If not I would encourage you to have a look at this website for support in your local area. www.womensaid.org.uk. You may need counselling to help you regain some of your confidence, or just to discuss what the effects of your ex’s abuse has been. The loss of confidence is really common when people have gone through abuse, the more support you have the easier it will be for you to recover.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 31/01/2014

  • louise

    31/01/2014

    Hey, me & my partner have a few disagreements but lately if I say anything or have my opinion in anything all I get is your over thinking... you've got a split personality and calls my mental state of mind! He's been doing it for about 4 months now! I can't even make changes to any plans without there being a big kick off and there being a massive argument where I'm accused of all sorts and told I have mental issues or I'm speaking from my split personality! He's constantly asking am I speaking to Louise this time or boris! I'm at breaking point! I get suspicious of him because he's slated me all over facebook after an argument where all of his family have joined in so god knows what he has told them and every so often he messages other girls through fb and instead of letting me go n calm down after an argument he makes me stay in the room or car im in and tells me to snap out of it and that i'm over thinking have mental health issues! Yeah i'm not perfect either because I get pushed to breaking point n at this point want to throw things, not at him or I want to just pull on my hair! I have alot of close friends who i'm sure would tell me if i'm not right! I try n meet him in the middle n he accuses me of stuff! I don't know if I get accused of cheating n lieing because he's doing it or because he's that i secure himself! He never use to let me go out and even still if I want to there's arguments n I have to battle to go out with my friends! If we have an argument he's telling someone everything n tells them to contact me n I get abuse or different people because of the storys they have been told! I'm litrally at breaking point! I've told him I want to end the relationship and i've been talked down to and told he will get me help n that its someone else talking not louise!!! Please tell me if I do need help from my doctors regarding mental health or if I need to stick by my words and leave him! Thanks xx

    louise - 31/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Louise,

      Thanks for coming forward to talk about this. It sounds like a really horrible situation to be in.

      Unfortunately, we can't tell you what to do, but we can give you options. The choice is yours to make.

      It sounds like your partner is using some really controlling methods of abuse on you, and making you feel like you're crazy, or have mental health issues is very common. My concern would be that he is saying this to you so much that it is making you believe that it might be true. If you do have some serious concerns then you can talk to your GP, but from what you have said it seems more likely that this is just a tactic he is using.

      It seems like it might be helpful for you to talk to somebody a little bit more about what has been happening. You could talk to us on Live Chat Monday to Friday 5pm-7pm or call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      I think you are aware that there are issues in your relationship, and I am glad you are looking at how to take the next step.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 31/01/2014

  • Georgia

    30/01/2014

    I'm 17 and have recently entered my first serious relationship after a traumatic event happened when i was 15. First we were great and now he's being mean, calling me names, watching when I text, saying if you love me you would, he thinks I'm in love with my guy friends, also when he tries to touch me inappropriately I have to move away to get him to stop. I want to leave him but he said he'll kill himself and lately I'm so scared that he's going to try to make me have sex with him and I don't know what to do

    Georgia - 30/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Georgia,

      Thank you for getting in touch, I'm really glad you did. The way he is behaving is completely unacceptable, and it is not your fault.

      It is really important to remember that he is in charge of his own actions. He is choosing to behave that way. It is unlikely that he would self harm if you were to leave him, but if he did then it is still not your responsibility. If he treated you with the respect and dignity that you deserved then he wouldn't be in this position.

      Nobody has the right to do something you don't want to do, and you legally have to say yes for sex to be consensual, and if you do not physically say yes then his actions are rape. If he does things other than penetrate you that you don't want to happen then it is classed as sexual assault and both of these are punishable by law.

      It sounds like you are aware that you don't want to be in this relationship anymore, so I think the next step is to think about ending it safely without putting yourself in any risk. It might be helpful for you to talk to us on Live Chat. We are running this Monday to Friday 5pm until 7pm. Alternatively you can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 31/01/2014

  • Erik

    30/01/2014

    I have put several messages here looking for advice but they are either ignored or given an automated response. It kind of makes me think that you only care about certain victims and the rest of us (particularly those of us who have been abused by women) are just pushed to the side like we are in real life. Discouraging.

    Erik - 30/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Erik,

      I'm really sorry that you feel like that. I can assure you that this is not an automated response. We are happy to support both men and women who are or have experienced violence or abuse.

      If you would like to talk about the abuse that you have experienced we would recommend calling the Men's Advice Line, which is the national Helpline for male victims. This may the same response that you have had from other posts, as our aim is to signpost victims to the most appropriate service for you. In turn the Men's Advice Line will be able to tell you what support is available for you in your local area and also talk to you about keeping yourself self as well as looking at any other issues that may have been cause by the abuse.

      You can contact the Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327. They also have some really helpful information on their website, www.mensadviceline.org.uk.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 31/01/2014

  • lauren

    30/01/2014

    I've been with my partner for over 3 years now. He was nice at first and told me everything about his drug past. September 2011 he ended up with a head injury and has been left deaf and takes seizures this was when he started to be violent. At the start it was just name calling and pushing. It wasn't until august 2013 he started hitting me. He started shouting at me and throwing stuff about the house. He got a tape measure and threw it at me leaving me a big bruise on my leg and its been on going from then. Every morning I wake up wondering how he is going to be today sometimes I feel like I don't want to wake up in the mornings. He has controlled me the last 2 years threatening me etc. If I do something wrong then I get punished for it. I do want to leave him cause the way he has treated me but I love him and he needs me cause of his head injury. I just don't know what to do sometimes I just want to end it myself cause I feel like I have noone to talk to. I don't know what to do.

    lauren - 30/01/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lauren,
      It sounds like things have been really difficult. I am sorry to hear about your partner's injury. Sometimes head injuries can affect how people behave (although there is no excuse for abuse). Is he seeing any health professionals? It sounds like that would be a good idea.

      I am concerned about you saying that sometimes you don't want to wake up or end it? If you are thinking about suicide I want you to talk to someone. You do not have to deal with any of this alone and it sounds like you need some support.
      A brilliant organisation is papyrus - you can contact them in lots of ways if you are thinking about suicide and they will be able to listen and to help you.

      http://www.papyrus-uk.org/
      0800 068 41 41
      email: pat@papyrus-uk.org
      SMS: 07786 209697

      In terms of leaving the relationship, does anyone else know what has been happening? If you do decide to leave him it is important to do so safely. Here is some advice about that:: http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/keeping-safe/

      You can also ring the national helpline on 0800 2000 247

      We also have a live chat every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk to us more.

      There is a lot of support out here for you (and for your boyfriend) so do not feel you are on your own with this,
      I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 30/01/2014

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Results: 285 - 300 of 2041

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