This is ABUSE

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YOUR QUESTIONS

Worried about abuse in your relationship?

Young people have asked questions about abuse within their relationships, they may have been through something similar to you and the responses may help give you advice on your own relationship.

If you have any questions about abuse, or you are in an abusive relationship, or you just want to talk to someone, there are specialist organisations that can help you. Visit the Need Help section and you can contact people who can give you help and support.

Watch these videos to spot the signs of abuse within relationships

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Results: 1 - 15 of 2291

  • A

    16/06/2015

    About a year ago I got out of a really horrible relationship that lasted just over two years. I'm not sure if it counts as abuse because I was never seriously harmed. He just used to twist my arm or push me, and quite often would leave bruises. He was very possessive and would verbally and emotionally abuse me by calling me names and threatening to harm me and himself. Anyway, a year on and he is still spreading horrible rumours about me, and calling me names. I have a new boyfriend now but I find it really hard to get close to him and if ever he makes a sudden movement, I flinch and put my arms up to my face. He is really upset that I can't trust him but I'm still so haunted by the relationship with my ex that I don't know how to forget it. I don't know how to stop the rumours without getting the school involved and opening a whole new can of worms about him being violent to me.

    A A - 16/06/2015

    Reply
    • Hi, thanks for getting in touch. I’m really sorry to hear what’s been happening to you. Abuse can take many forms and can be both emotional and physical and your ex-boyfriend was being abusive towards you. Even though you have now left that relationship, I would really encourage you to speak to someone about what happened as it is affecting your new relationship. I’m not sure how old you are from your post, but from what you have said I think you may still be at school? If you are under 18 you can get help and advice by calling Childline on 0800 1111, they will listen and give you advice on what’s happened. Or you can visit their website www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email, text or chat to a counsellor online. If you are over 18, you can call the National Freephone Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 who can provide you with advice and support. I really hope you get some help.
      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 22/06/2015

  • libby

    13/06/2015

    Once I was in the bedroom with my friend and he tried to close the door I told him not to, then he tried to punch me in my downer bit as a "game" I told him not to do that he continued then he forced himself to kiss me... then he started touching me on my breasts and bum he licked me on my face as well and pulled my legs so I would not leave, he said to me at the end "he's sorry"

    libby libby - 13/06/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Libby, thanks for getting in touch, I’m sorry to hear what happened with your friend. If you are being forced or pressured into any sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with that is totally unacceptable, and no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and you are not to blame. I would encourage you to speak to someone about what happened, you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111, they will listen to you and give you advice on what happened. Or can visit their website www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email or text or chat to a counsellor online.
      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 15/06/2015

  • Anon

    10/06/2015

    What is a threat? Does a threat have to be followed with a.. "or I'll" even if theyre aggressive? What are examples of verbal abuse? I know someone who is angry at me but thinks because hes just calling me names [despite it making me anxious] because its not physical its not verbal abuse. He is manipulating me to feel bad for intimidating me - just when i thought he understood he has gone back to his old ways. Its not constant and all the time but enough to make wanna leave home. He claims I am overeacting when he wins an argument when in reality he gets hurtful and defensive and puts people down when he wants to be stubborn. Am i being over the top? I physically shake when he argues it hurts my head as i already suffer from mental health issues.

    Anon Anon - 10/06/2015

    Reply
    • Hi, many thanks for getting in touch, I’m sorry to hear what’s been happening to you. Abuse isn’t always physical it can be emotional or verbal abuse as well such as calling you nasty names, putting you down or manipulating you into feeling bad. Threatening behaviour can be through using threatening language or in someone’s tone of voice or physical actions. Please understand that his behaviour is not your fault and it is abusive. There is more information on the website about what a healthy relationship should be like http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse but I would encourage you to talk to someone about what’s happening as well. I’m not sure from your post how old you are but if you are under 18 you can get help and advice by calling Childline on 0800 1111, they will listen to you and give you advice on what’s happening. Or you can visit their website www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email or text or chat to a counsellor online. If you are over 18, you can call the National Freephone Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 15/06/2015

  • Don't want to say

    05/06/2015

    Hi, I have been being emotionally abused for quite a while now. It's gotten to a point where he follows me places if I don't speak to him I want him to leave me alone but at the same time I will be really sad If he goes. I don't know what to do at all I'm quite scared because he is very aggressive. What do I do?

    Don't want to say Don't want to say - 05/06/2015

    Reply
    • Hi, thanks for getting in touch. I’m really sorry to hear about what’s been happening and I would really encourage you to speak to someone. You can call Childline on 0800 1111, they will listen and give you advice which will help, or you can visit their website www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email or text or chat to a counsellor online. I hope you get in touch with them as you don’t deserve to be treated like this.
      Kerry
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team - 12/06/2015

  • Gem

    04/06/2015

    hi,

    When I was 14 I had sex with an older boy I knew. I am 19 now and realise that I blocked the truth of this situation out. It was outside and I feel I was forced and threatened into it. I didn't say no explicitly because I wasn't asked, I was scared and alone. But now this still affects me and haunts me everyday. Am I too late to get help? I feel that I am not entitled because I didn't say no outright.

    Any help or advice would be fantastic, but I feel uncomfortable talking about this over the phone.

    Thanks.

    Gem - 04/06/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Gem

      We are so very sorry to hear about this distressing incident from your past. We think it is really important that even though this may have happened some time ago, you should still try to speak to someone about this if you can.

      Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and no one should be put in that situation. Please understand that this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

      No matter how long ago it happened please try and find someone you trust to talk to - a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.

      You can also contact call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm, they have trained advisors who can give you help, support and advice.

      If you would prefer not to speak to someone over the phone you can email Women’s Aid for support at helpline@womensaid.org.uk

      We hope this helps and you get the support you deserve.

      Take care
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 04/06/2015

  • Jane

    02/06/2015

    Hi I really need some advice please I have been with my partner for 5 years, 3 of those we have lived together. Very early on in the relationship my partner had an affair, I was so in love with him that I forgave him and agreed to try again but since then he has changed I constantly walk on egg shells, if I don't do as he says when he says it he shouts, screams, threatens to smash our home, I'm referred to as bitch most of the time although he reckons it's a joke, he has turned our electric off numerous times because he has paid for it, he is a big drinker and I find that when he's had a lot to drink it's much worse, he has burnt me purposely because I wouldn't move out his way, he hit me in the face following another argument, tried to strangle me and held a hot cup of tea over my head and threatened to scald me, I do argue back which obviously makes the situation worse but I'm just trying to make him realise how he hurts me, he has to know were I am at all times, tries to stop my family visiting me, he always says it's because he cares and wants to give me a lift home but 12 missed calls and shouting were are you down the phone says differently to me. When he starts he shouts loudly because he knows my son doesn't like arguing and he does it purposely and he's even told me to send my sons friends home if hey have come to play because he had decided he doesn't want them here, he uses things that have hurt me in the past in arguments to hurt me like the fact my mom left when i was little and my dad bought me up, he shouts in my face why do ya want your mom here she doesn't like you she left you remember but that was years and years ago and although me and mom don't always see eye to eye I love her she's my mom, he checks my phone convinces himself I'm up to no good and tells me if he caught me he would kill me but I've never done anything, can you please tell me if this normal or if I'm to blame in any way as I say I do argue back and sometimes I say nasty things to him when he hurts me with my past. Thank you x

    Jane - 02/06/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Jane,

      Thanks for coming forward to talk about your experiences.

      It sounds like it has been really scary for you and some of your partner’s behaviours seem really dangerous. Putting you down and controlling behaviour, such as trying to stop your family visiting you, is abuse and it is never ok for someone to physically hurt you. I would encourage you to talk to someone about what you have been going through and there are lots of services available which can provide support and advice. You can call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247, or you could contact your local domestic abuse service which may be listed on www.womensaid.org.uk. If you ever feel like you are in immediate danger though you should contact the police. Please remember that this is not your fault, you don’t deserve to be treated in this way and there are people that can help you.

      I hope that this helps.

      Take care,
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 04/06/2015

  • Charlotte

    02/06/2015

    Hello,

    Im pretty sure whats happening to me is abuse, my boyfriend asks me multiple times a week to send him naked pictures. Each time he asks this I say no as Its something im just not comfortable with at this point in time. Each time this happens an argument arises which usually ends up in me crying or feeling very low and depressed because he makes me feel like im doing something wrong or that Im having a bad impact on the relationship. Recently he has also told me that he has wishes to try anal sex. With this being something I have tried (and hated) in the past I said no to him. Yet again didnt find this acceptable and pressured me into saying yes. Even after I told him that I would be willing to try it just once for him to experience it he continued to say that this was not good enough as he expects that our relationship has no future if im not willing to have anal sex with him. I have explained to him I feel like how he is acting is abusive. But this also just gets turned on me and I am made out to be the bad person for suggesting he is abusive

    Charlotte - 02/06/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Charlotte

      Thanks for getting in touch, we’re really sorry to hear about your experiences.

      If you’re being forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.

      If you are unsure, examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, being pressured to send naked pictures of yourself, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.

      If this has happened to you, we would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. They offer counselling and support for women who have experienced any form of sexual violence, not just rape.

      We hope this helps.
      Take care
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 03/06/2015

  • lauren

    30/05/2015

    My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me when I initiate it and he gets angry at me when I get upset. But when he wants sex I feel like I have to have sex with him because he gets angry at me then too. Ive been with him for nearly 3 years and its just getting to much now I cant even talk to him about it because of what he gets like and he always some how manages to twist things and make me sound like a bad person when im not. It also feels like he punishes me even more for feeling down about myself and we can go months without sex. I need help please.

    lauren - 30/05/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Lauren

      Thanks for coming forward to talk about your experiences.

      If you are being forced or pressured into any sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with that is totally unacceptable, and no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and you are not to blame. It is also never OK to make someone feel bad if they don't want to have sex as this is a form of emotional abuse.

      I would encourage you to talk to someone about what you have been going through and there are lots of services available which can provide support and advice. You can call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247, they have trained advisors who can give you help, support and advice on what is happening in your relationship.

      I hope this helps.
      Take care,
      This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 03/06/2015

  • Sophie

    30/05/2015

    Hi,
    I'm not sure if this was sexual abuse or not, i'm really just confused. The other night there was a party at my friends house and everyone got very drunk. I remember feeling really tired and dizzy so I went into my friends bedroom to lie down for a bit. Soon after this guy who i've always been good friends with came in, he was also very drunk, and he lay down next to me and started kissing me. I had asked him to stop and said 'no' numerous times, but he continued to kiss me and force his hands into my pants. He kept saying "why not?" and "come on" and "please" but it didn't feel like the right thing to do because I just don't like him, he is my friend and he always tries to get with so many girls. He kept saying "it's always been you I wanted". I didn't ever say yes and repeatedly said no and to stop. But I feel like if I really didn't want it to have happened I would have been able to push him off me, and because what he was doing still felt good. After a while someone walked in and he stopped and I left. This morning my vagina hurt a bit and had a few bruises because he was pushing really hard with his hands and being really rough. He just sent me a message apologising and I told him to just forget about it. Should I be mad at him? I'm really confused about how I feel about it or how to act around him when I will see him at school. We never actually had sex, if this is abuse, what do I do?

    Sophie - 30/05/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Sophie

      Thanks for getting in contact. We’re really sorry to hear about what’s happened to you. If you’re being forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.

      If you are unsure, examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, being pressured to send naked pictures of yourself, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.

      We would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. They offer counselling and support for women who have experienced any form of sexual violence, not just rape.

      Also remember that if you have been sexually assaulted you can speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      We hope this helps
      Take care
      The This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 01/06/2015

  • zarii

    29/05/2015

    i dont know what this is exactly but last night my bf and i where arguing about money issues and i was telling him how he didnt care then he was tipsy and wanted to have sex i had work in the morning and i really didnt want to . i kept saying NO and he kept on asking me whats the matter with me that thier is something else behind this i SAID NO LEAVE ME ALONE I NEED TO SLEEP then he stuck his fingers up my vagina which hurt because it was by force ... then i cried and he had a massive go at me and left he told me to never contact him again we have been dating for over 8 months now and i lost my virginty to him if he is treating me like this i want to never contact him again but because i lost something to him that i cherished so much i dont know what to do plus sometimes he nice and most times he a headache i need some advice please .

    thank you so much x

    zarii - 29/05/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Zarii

      Thanks for getting in contact, and we’re really sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through.

      If you’ve being forced or pressured to take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.

      If you are unsure, examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, being pressured to send naked pictures of yourself, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.

      If this has happened to you, we would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. They offer counselling and support for women who have experienced any form of sexual violence, not just rape.

      We hope this helps
      Take care
      The This is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 01/06/2015

  • Chania

    27/05/2015

    Hello,

    I'm not sure if this really accounts for abuse, and I'm loathed to think it is as that's such a strong term to use.

    I went on a night out with my friends, and friends of friends, and I got terribly drunk to the point I couldn't walk and my words slurred and my friends had to put me into bed. Later on their friend, this guy who I wish to keep anonymous so I will call him James asked if he could come round to see if I was okay. In my state I didn't think anything of it so I just said yes. He came round and didn't physically force me or make threats but he made me feel guilty for him coming round and me nothing doing anything sexually with him. I wasn't experienced and definitely did not wish anything to happen and even said no but he pressurised me and touched me intimately. Then he talked me into giving him oral sex. I refused initially, but he kept talking me into it making me feel guilty so I did it, then threw up after wards and passed out.

    Ever since I have not been intimate with anyone because I am slightly scarred by what happened.
    I wasn't sure if this counts as abuse or not? Especially as I was intoxicated
    Thank you

    Chania Chania - 27/05/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Chania.
      Thank you for getting in touch. I’m really sorry to hear about what happened to you. It is totally unacceptable to be forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with. No one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.

      If you are unsure, examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, and being made to stimulate yourself or others.

      I would encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be happy, and help and support is out there.

      If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

      If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. They offer counselling and support for women who have experienced any form of sexual violence, not just rape.

      Also remember that if you have been sexually assaulted you can speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger again, call the police on 999.

      Take care
      Amie
      This Is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 29/05/2015

  • shannelle

    27/05/2015

    I dated this guy for 2 years now our first months we were not that serious and still on open relationship but then after 3 months he said we should continue it seriously, so I agree to it but then those guys that I've been chatting will still perusing me, and yet I ignored them , Iour relationship goes very well we enjoy each other company and become friend with his friends. One time we were arguing about a friend of mine thathe doesn't like he end up chocking me and push me on my sit it the car,after he did that he went outside the car and went back to say sorry, on my mind I thought his okay but I am shaking and scared , but I started to act cool then I reenact how he choke me then on that moment he did it one more time.then he said sorry and I forgive him he even told his mom what he did. Now after a year I am not feeling comfortable of him cuz Ialways catch him chatting with girl's and flirting with them. His reason is it's just a friend and there the ones that helps him for his career in modelling. Then later this Sunday I got a Call from a friend that he saw my boyfriend in the club and he didn't even mention his going there, I am keeping my cool cuz I want to confront him personally but I can't help but I release my anger. So yeah it happened I slapped him then hereturn a good punch on my right that leave me a black mark. Then his saying sorry but he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
    And I am here stupidly still and willingly want him back.. am I in the right set of mind to do it? Or I should just let him go as what he is also wanted to do cuz his regretting seeing me I'm hurt.

    shannelle shannelle - 27/05/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Shannelle. Thank you for getting in touch.
      I’m really sorry to hear what’s happening. Please understand that you are not to blame for your boyfriend’s controlling and abusive behaviour and I would really encourage you to speak to someone about this. There are people who can help. You can call the national freephone domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247 who have trained advisors who can give you support and advice. I really hope you give them a call.
      Amie
      This is Abuse

      This Is Abuse team 28/05/2015

  • Kathy

    25/05/2015

    It's Kathy again,could I go to the police

    Kathy Kathy - 25/05/2015

    Reply
    • Thank you for your reply. Speaking to the police is an option but you might find it helpful to talk to an expert who can tell you more about contacting the police and the process and what to expect before you make the call to the police. You can find details of suitable organisations on the Need Help page here - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help
      If you do decide to report it, most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help.
      If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

      Kerry
      This Is Abuse team

      This Is Abuse team 27/05/2015

  • Chelsea

    22/05/2015

    Ive been with my partner for a year and a half. There are so many questions i have, and so much confusion its so hard for me to talk about, or write about. ( is that a normal feeling if you are being abused?) My first and most thought about question is, how can i be 100% sure im being abused? I have researched it for months, and my partner does everything ive ever read about on any website that helps you recognize abuse, but whenever i have ever tried to bring it up to him or show him, he won't look, or even let me read it, he gets infuriated, and he will literally make me look in his eyes and he will say " i do not abuse you, do you understand?" Or " chelsea, i am not abusive, i am not abusive, okay? Ive thought about the fact i might be before, and i just know thats not me." He says horrible things to me on a daily basis, things i could never imagine saying to someone i love. Instead of writiing in senteces im going to make a list.

    -I am not allowed to voice my opinions unless they coincide with his, especially when it comes to our relationship, him hurting my feelings, his heroin addict friends, or aanything he doesnt want to talk about.

    - He says my opinions infurate him because of how stupid they are,and he says will not listen to or even take into consideration stupid opinions or ideas.

    - He spits in my face, breaks my stuff, has busted my lip, left bruises all over my body, squeezes my face really hard and basically everything but hit me with his fist.

    - If we are not in person an i try to talk to him about something he doesnt want to talk about he will tell me eithet i stop talking about it or he will stop talking to me. He has blocked my number on multiple occasions, and not talked to me for days.

    -He has made me hate myself, and question everything i thought i knew, i have no self confidence, and i dont even remember who i was before i dated him.

    -He uses every single kind of intimidation. His expressionS, his voice, his silence, force, withholding affection, calling me names, threatening to leave me.

    -He doesnt have a job and he doesnt like to go do stuff unless its what he likes to do. Which is going out to eat or going to the movies. When we stay at home and do things we watch what he wants to watch. Etc.

    -He is allowed to be himself and do whatever he wants but if i sleep too long, get on my phone, take too long in the bathroom, take too long going to get something down stairs, or anything he doesnt want me to do, i get in trouble, and if i stick up for mmyself it gets worse, ive learned to just agree and apologize. He sometimes will spend hours in the bathroom on his phone, if i mmention it, he denies it and says im exaggerating, and if i dont drop it he gets infurated. He is sometimes on his phone for hours at a time but if i am on my phone for 10 or twenty minutes he starts saying " are you going to hang out with me, youre alway on your phone" and ill try to bring up the fact he is on his all the time,and he gets angry, so of course i apologize and say i wont do it again. I really dont understand how i could be on my phone for 20 minutes, and he is on his for hours, and he really believes it when he says i havr been on mine all day.

    -I dont remember the last time he told me he likes something about me, or complimeted me. I am always sweet to him, rubbing him, kissing him, telling him he is handsome.

    - whenever i start to confornt him about somethig im upset about i am nice and polite,when its him he is mean, and sarcastic.

    -he has never been happy with me, i am always being told to change something about myself. His degradation towards me has made me hate myself, i am physically and mentally exhausted from walking on egg shells and trying to be perfect for him. The only things i have ever even thought about him changing are the ways he treats me. But ive never been alowed to tell him..

    I could keep going with the list, but just typing this exhaust me. Please tell me if you relate, or if there is something i can do to show him what he is doing to me. I am currently not speaking to him. I havr done everything in my power for him and our two children ( one is mine, one is his) my money goes to bills and to them, my time goes to work, errands and them. There isnt a thing i wouldbt do for them, i dont understand how he doesnt see how much i love him and our family. Since day one he has questioned my love and loyalty him. He he is 23 and lives at his dads and ha no job.. i dont understand how he doesny see how much i llove him and how hard ive tried to make him happy, or how muvh pain he is putting me through. I dont understand. Someone tell me what to do.

    Chelsea Chelsea - 22/05/2015

    Reply
    • We’re sorry to hear you feel you are suffering abuse in your relationship. Signs of this type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do. Abuse is wrong, never okay and it’s not normal.

      We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

      You can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

      This Is Abuse team 27/05/2015

  • nikki

    20/05/2015

    Hi I've bin with my partner for 2yrs at one stage we lived together and have a lil child together but found wen we was living together he was dependent on my money whenever I ran out he'd get angry at me throw things even when I was still pregnant and controlled my visits to families places couldn't go out without him knowing even to shop and we lost our place due to people selling he made me move to his family where I never was comfortable as he ws angry every morning making it seem like it was my fault his family saw this and said nothing then i went back to work things became more verbal calling me names even in front of child seem to pick up on it and kept quiet when he'd start only being less then one,then September's last year when again didn't have money to take him with me on train he kick off big time grabbed me by my throat wouldn't let go coz I stood in his way of him trying to leave with our child saying that he was keeping it and I was to leave without child because I wouldn't back down Id had enough and wouldn't risk leaving it with him his nan wad goner call police as his older child from someone else saw him holding me by the throat he eventually left I got on train ,I found he had got on the train and was apologising for what he done and it wad drugs doing it and he would get help which he has,but even now I cant trust him fully with our child I've kept visits down to every other weekend for those reasons would like to no if I've gone about this right coz he makes me feel guilty for him not seeing our child enough

    nikki nikki - 20/05/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Nikki, thanks for getting in touch. I’m really sorry to hear what’s happening. Please understand that you are not to blame for your boyfriend’s controlling and abusive behaviour and I would really encourage you to speak to someone about this. There are people who can help and you can call the national freephone domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247, they have trained advisors who can give you support and advice. I really hope you give them a call as no one deserves to be treated like this.
      Kerry
      This is Abuse

      This Is Abuse team - 21/05/2015

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