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This is ABUSE

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HAVE YOUR SAY

Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships or ask a question to one of our trained advisors

If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board. And if you’re worried about anything to do with abuse, whether it’s in your own relationship or a friend’s, you can ask one of our trained experts for advice.

Have a read through the discussion boards, the chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.

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TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Results: 1 - 15 of 2044

  • anon

    24/04/2014

    About six months ago me and my boyfriend at the time had just started going out, i was 14 and he was 16. at this time i had only been involved in sexual activities once but my boyfriend had got it into his head that i had had sex with a lot of guys. Once i was at his house and he asked me to give him head and i didn't really want to but he took off his trousers and i felt pressured to do it anyway. He then said we should go upstairs so i followed him into a spare room where he started to undress me. i was scared to have sex with him because i hadn't done it before and he seemed to be quite rough with me. we had sex and i felt awful about it afterwards, i cried a bit but he didn't react. During the next month with him he would often have me in a room in his house and ask me if i wanted to have sex with him and sometimes i would say no, or i don't know, but every time he ignored and did it anyway. He started to hit me while we were having sex and he was very controlling. After we had broken up i didn't think about the sex or how i was treated too much, but now i'm having trouble sleeping and i can't stop thinking about it. i'm really scared all the time even though i never see him, i'm constantly stressed about it. i feel really weird too, i just don't know what to do because the only person i told didn't believe me. thanks

    anon - 24/04/2014

    Reply
    • Dear anon,

      Thank you for getting in touch. It sounds as though you have been having a really horrible. What he did to you was not ok. The law in this country is that you cannot give consent until you are 16 year old and so he could not lawfully have sex with you. None of what happened was your fault.

      It sounds as though you feel that you should be coping with what happened differently, however, everyone responds to abuse differently and it’s normal to feel upset and confused. I am really sorry that the person you told didn’t believe you.

      I think it could really help to talk it through with a professional such as someone from Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999 or a counsellor from Childline on 0800 1111. They will certainly believe you and offer advice and support to help you with how you are feeling now.

      I really hope you decide to get in touch with one of them.

      Take Care,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 24/04/2014

  • Ashish

    24/04/2014

    Hi,
    I am a guy and I have a boyfriend. Everything is going good in our relationship but whenever hr is drunk if I say something against him, he suddenly over reacts which really hurts me as he simply leave me alone and says to talk tomorrow. What to do in this situation should I call him or text him as always or leave him alone for sometime.

    Ashish - 24/04/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Ashish,

      Thanks for getting in touch. I am sorry that you’re having this problem with your boyfriend. Being ignored can be really upsetting.

      Have you talked with your boyfriend about how this makes you feel at a time when he has not been drinking? It can sometimes be difficult to talk about something that we don’t like about a partner when things are going ok, but it sounds as though this has happened several times and so talking about it could be helpful.

      If you have talked about it, and things are not changing you may need to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want to continue. Useful questions for yourself can be; If you had known that this was the way things would be before you started the relationship would you have started it anyway? If a friend you cared for described this situation to you what advice would you offer them?

      It may be that this is just one of several issues that are worrying you. If you are worried that you might be in an abusive relationship you could talk it through with an advisor at Broken Rainbow on 0300 999 5428.

      Take Care,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 24/04/2014

  • han

    23/04/2014

    I have always had a lot of respect for my body ,and I always wanted to wait for the right guy to lose my virginity with , last year I thought I had met him , yeah he did fool around with other girls but I forgave him and months later I lost my virginity too him , it was a massive step for me and I thought I was happy , he then started to cheat on me and lie about everything , like an idiot I took him back but one night he came to stay and we argued about this girl who messaged him talking about what they did at a festival, he lost his temper and raped me , he then said it was my fault and was extremely rude to me after , at first I thought it sad normal because in my head rape was when you were kicking and screaming and I just layed there crying , I told my mum but made her promise that she would never do or say anything to anyone and because I have suffered with depression for many years she stuck to the promise for me. He only got worse , we were a very controlling couple , very paranoid of each other cheating and he would leave me for other girls so I'd get angry and scream and shout and his family would send indirect abuse on social networking about me being a 'bunny boiler" and crazy , so I called him ugly and tried to fight back but then he'd come back and promise me he wouldn't hurt me again , few miserable months went by and we split up , one day I broke down in to tears and told my dad what he had done to me that night and honestly I couldn't forget it, my dad said if he contacted me stain my parents would call the police , however I was silly and thought I loved him so I let him back in my life secretly where he then made me cry and scream so much every night with twisted mind games that I attempted suicide twice , when I was feeling so weak he had sex with me and left me every time. After all of this I started hallucinating and went in to hospital because I wasn't coping anymore , I had let him walk away with a few insults , never did the right thing and called the police , I let my heart rule my head and now I'm stuck with the thought of him happy in his life whilst mine is ruined , the doctors are saying I may have bipolar disorder , all I can say is I don't think my life will ever be the same again and I don't feel like living anymore , because I suffered for nothing for over a year because I thought I was disgusting after what he did to me , he now makes it known he is with other girls and they have no idea what sort of person he is and they never will and it's all my fault , wish there was a way out of this nightmare

    han - 23/04/2014

    Reply
    • Dear han,

      Thank you for your post. I am really sorry that you had this experience. What happened to you was really not ok.

      It sounds as though you might be giving yourself a hard time for continuing a relationship when you had been experiencing abuse. It’s not unusual to stay with an abusive partner for some time and it doesn’t excuse what he did or make it your fault in any way.

      I am glad that you decided to speak with your parents about what has happened. Sometimes it can be really helpful to speak with someone independent, such as a professional, who can understand and help you make sense of how you are feeling now. For many people rape has a lasting and ongoing impact which is another good reason to get professional support.

      A good start would be rape crisis, you can call them on 0808 802 9999. You might want to look at the website first www.rapecrisis.org.uk if you are unsure about calling straight away.

      I imagine that being told that you may be suffering from a mental health disorder may also leave you with questions. You can always contact MIND at www.mind.org.uk .

      You say you have attempted suicide and that your life does not feel worth living any more, there is an organisation you can talk to run by www.papyrus-uk.org called HopeLineUK that you can contact on 0800 068 4141. With good help and support you do not need to feel like this forever.

      It’s not clear from what you have written whether you are still in contact with your ex-boyfriend any more. Keeping contact with someone who has been abusive can often prolong the trauma and painful feelings and I would encourage you to keep a distance if it is possible.

      You say you are worried that he will be hurting other people. However I don’t see that there is a way for you to make him change and you’re not responsible or to blame for his behaviour.

      I really wish you the best in your recovery

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 24/04/2014

  • Catherine

    23/04/2014

    I think I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I know that as I write this out it sounds so weird and people just think that it's easy to get out of, but I can't get out of it. I started talking to this boy over bbm about 3 years ago. At the time i was 15/16 an he said he was 21 (which I don't believe now) It was fine we started to talk and he seemed really nice. He persuaded me to give him my mobile number at the time I thought nothing of it but I know now that it was so stupid of me to do that. The first phone call we had, he pressured me into having phone sex with him. I laughed it off an kept saying no but he just started making sexual comments and at this point I was too scared to say no so I just went along with it. After that it kind off went down hill from there, but at the time I didn't realise. We talked once or twice a day on the phone and text constantly throughout the day. He used to tell me all of the things his ex used to say/do to him, which weren't very nice, making her out to be this evil person. I never thought that a relationship would have come out of this because that wasn't my intention, we never discussed it, he assumed that we were in a relationship and that we were boyfriend and girlfriend even though I never agreed. He kept telling me about his high end job in a huge car manufacturer and how he had a major role to play in the business as well as his dad's company that is worth millions. About how much money he had and didn't no how to spend it and all of the sports cars that he has, really bigging himself up, which at the time I thought was very interesting and glad that someone like that took an interest in me. However all the niceness kind of stopped. Every time I went out with my family he would constantly be ringing me to see where I was, wanting a specific time as to when I'd be home and I didn't answer or if I wasn't home in time, he would bombard me with texts about how he is leaving me, how selfish I am, how I don't think of others etc. he definitely hated me going out with my friends. He fell out with my friends over Facebook and I was stuck in the middle. Eventually my friends just gave up on me because I couldn't leave him, not because I wouldn't, because I couldn't. All of these things get worse. I think he makes me feel guilty for going out of the house, I have not been out to a club since we started talking, I have have up football, all my other hobbies and even don't go to school some days because he wants me to take days off. I feel I have to lie so that I can get some time or myself. I got a job, which he wasn't too happy about either, and I make up some extra days I'm working so that I can just have some peace because I don't know how I can get away from him. I also forgot to mention that he lives in London, apparently, and I live in Northern Ireland. He makes loads of promises that he's coming over but every single time something happens that he can't come over. And when I question it he gets aggressive and will shout and tell me that I don't understand about his work etc even though for the time we've been talking he sits at home most days.. So I question whether he even has a job. So I feel like I'm talking to a stranger and I am so scared and worried and I can't get out of it. No one seems to understand what I'm going through, they seem to think that I can just block his number but for some reason I don't think that will stop him pestering me. And all of this is not even the worst of what he does. I really need help and don't know what to do..

    Catherine - 23/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Catherine
      Thanks for your message. I am really glad you are reaching out for help, it sounds like things have been really difficult for a long time. So you have been talking to him for 3 years and he has been controlling and abusive for most of that, is that right?
      It must be awful for him to have such control over you. I understand why you are so upset.

      It is good that you have told people about it, I know if may seem like they don't understand though. Blocking his number is a good idea, you say that won't stop him? You would also have to block him online, is there any other way he contacts you? Does he have your home address? What else are you worried about?

      I am also concerned that you say this is not the worst he has done, do you feel able to talk about what else has been happening? If you want to we have a live chat service on here every mon-fri between 5-7pm.

      You can also contact the Women's Aid in Northern Ireland.
      http://www.womensaidni.org/get-help/about-the-helpline/
      They have a freephone 24 hour helpline - 0808 802 1414
      If you are worried about anything you can contact them at any time.

      What is happening to you is not your fault. This is abuse and control and you are right to be concerned. I think it is very important that you get some support to cope with this and to end the relationship safely.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/04/2014

  • Bex

    22/04/2014

    I am a 17 year old girl. When I was 14, the first boy i loved had sex with me even though I said no. I cried throughout the whole thing and he left immediately afterwards. I still really cared about him, so afterwards (not immediately but about a year later) we became friends. I decided not to tell anyone because I just wanted to forget about it. then last summer, he came over to my house with a few of my friends. I'd been having trouble with my family and I got really drunk. He had to carry me up the stairs and then we had sex. I managed to push him off right at the end and he got really weird and then left. I told my friends what happened and said he raped me, and none of them believed me. Now none of my friends will talk to me and they make me doubt that what happened was even rape and I don't know what to do.

    Bex - 22/04/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Bex,

      Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to speak about abuse and I can hear how difficult you are finding the aftermath of what happened to you. Your ex raped you when you were first together and then raped you again recently. This is a really horrible thing to go through and you deserve support.

      What happened to you was not your fault. You were raped and you tried to cope with it, and then you were raped again. I can hear how hard this has been for you and how much you are having to cope with alone.

      Do you know anyone you could talk to about this, family or a trusted adult or teacher? I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation that specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). The more people you have supporting you, the easier it will be for you to decide what to do next to get the help you need at this time.

      I can hear how much this has affected your friendships and how the fact that what happened to you has not been taken seriously by your friends and how this has hurt you. What happened to you was rape and is a serious crime. Your friends are in the wrong to not speak to you, you should not doubt yourself. You have been really strong to cope with this, you don’t have to do it alone anymore, you deserve some help and understanding for what you have been through.

      We also have live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to chat with one of our advisors.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 22/04/2014

  • louise

    20/04/2014

    about a year ago I was raped a couple of weeks after I was okay but now I have trouble sleeping, eating and being round other people I feel so trapped and that it was my fault I started hurting my self and I tried to commit suicide twice I don't know what to do

    louise - 20/04/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Louise,

      Thank you for your message. You have been really brave to write what has happened to you and how you are feeling. I can hear how much you are coping with and how much you need a bit of support.


      What happened to you was not your fault. You are not to blame for what happened to you, you did not do anything to deserve being raped. You have gone through something traumatic and the feelings you describe of blaming yourself, self harm and wanting to end your life are responses to that trauma. You have had to cope for a long time with these feelings and that takes a lot of strength. Have you been able to tell anyone what has happened to you? Have you had any support at all?


      Sexual abuse and rape can be hard to discuss with people you know. And some times people are not as understanding as they could be when they hear about rape. From what you write it sounds like you are in need of some kind of help, as they emotions you describe, as well as they ways you are having to cope with these emotions, are hard for a person to carry alone.

      I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation that specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). The more people you have supporting you, the easier it will be for you to decide what to do next to get the help you need at this time. At the moment it sounds like you are having to work very hard at putting one foot in front of the other and coping with what has happened, you deserve to have somewhere you can share your story with and people who can stand beside you while you recover.

      I have included some information you may want to look at below. It’s about rape so you might want to make sure you are somewhere you feel safe when you look at it.

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_rapeAndTheEffectsOfRape.pdf

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_copingWithFlashbacks_forSurvivors.pdf

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_postTraumaticStressDisorder.pdf

      We have live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk with one of our advisors.

      Take care and thanks again for your message.

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 22/04/2014

  • Jake

    18/04/2014

    This website is clearly being a huge support for people and i hope it continues to grow keep up the good work and to people coming here for support i commend their courage especially in light of some of the situations being dept with

    Jake - 18/04/2014

    Reply
  • Sarah

    18/04/2014

    I'm 18 and About a year ago i was with my Boyfriend at the time, We went out for a night out and had gotten pretty drunk, everyone left and he offered for me to stay at his house, needless to say he was more drunk than I was and was not in the mood for what he wanted to do. I said no multiple times and eventually he gave up asking and just 'went for it'. I've never felt more violated in my life, he told me how sorry he was after, but this was only when he saw me crying. I don't really wanna go in to more detail about it as shortly after I split up with him. I've tried to put it behind me, but theres times where I just wanna break down and cry because of it. I know it's too late to bring it up to the police (I was in school at the time and didn't want any attention on me as I was pretty sure everyone would've called me a 'liar'), but is there any advice i could get? Any at all would be helpful

    Sarah - 18/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Sarah,

      Thanks for your message. I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a traumatic experience. Everyone has the right to say 'NO' to sex regardless if your in a relationship or not.
      The use of alcohol can never be used to justify someone's actions it is simply used as an excuse.
      Being raped was in no way your fault and many victims fear of speaking out about their experience as they fear they will not be believed.
      I would suggest you contact www.rapecrisis.org.uk or call the national helpline 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm).

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 22/04/2014

  • Ani

    15/04/2014

    I have known dis guy as he was my school junior. after yrs we cam in contact n he asked me out for a party, i was bored so i went out. I dont remember what was der in the drink bt we ended up making out. frm d vry nxt day he is forcing me to be wid him. whereas i have explained him and said sorry but he startd abusing me n strtd givin me life threatenin sayin dat if he keeps me in the gun point dn i ll b in love wid him. he strtd following me evrywhr. im feeling vry helpless. dont know wat to do..keeps on callin or sents me abusive msgs.

    Ani - 15/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ani,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like you are in a difficult situation.

      Nobody can force you to be in a relationship with them, this is your choice and it sounds like you don't want to do that.

      If somebody is harassing you then you can report this to the police, and they will be able to issue a harassment warning. Alternatively you might want to look at taking out a Non-Molestation Order, which will stop him being able to contact you directly or indirectly.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to come and talk to us on our live chat service on the website, Monday to Friday 5pm until 7pm. You can also contact the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 15/04/2014

  • Amanda

    13/04/2014

    I am glad I found this page as iv always felt I'm the only one going through this...I have been through a lot in my lifetime and it's only now I'm in my 30s that I need to get help and do something about it as it's affecting me so badly. I have an uncle who tried to abuse me on 2 occasions when I was about 5 or 6..I moved away from him as my mum gave me and my brother away she didn't want us, we went to live with my dad and grandparents were helping too and my grandad used to touch and kiss me and tell me not to tell anyone. As a young child I was already messed up and confused from the rejection from my mother..I hated my life and so did my brother and he tried to kill himself twice and I found him both times, I understand why he did it our life was unbearable. I had a friend that lived near me and she was really confident and outgoing and with me next to her I was worthless, as we got to teenagers this guy moved in next to us and she liked him and they started to see each other, by this time I was seeing my mum again and struggling with where I belonged..I was 16 and me and my friend went into this guys she was seeing and had a few drinks, I wasn't one for having a lot to drink and neither was she..his friend was there so there was 4 of us..things were ok but I just felt out of place and I was always quiet and shy..we had a couple of drinks and and my friend said she was going home and left, I felt silly sitting there and didn't know what to say, this guy offered another drink so I took it and things were ok just chatting then this other guy left and from that point I remember nothing it's like I blacked out or a mental block I don't know I just have no memory of it..the next thing is I remember I'm wakening up face down in the bed with my trousers and pants down..I felt fuzzy and out of sorts, I don't know if minutes or hours have passed I have no idea...I don't remember leaving or getting home!! I had 3 drinks!!! The next day I felt like I had a terrible hangover and felt so guilty but I don't know why!! I seem this guy the next day and I ask him what had happened and he said it was all me my fault!! I couldn't believe it...I moved away from that area and never told my friend as she was mad about him...it's 16 years later and all the feelings from it have resurfaced!! After I moved away I met a guy I really liked and we were In a relationship and I got pregnant and he totally changed..I was so happy about being pregnant and he told me I had to get rid of it our relationship was never gony work, I refused and then gave in with weeks of pressure from him and after I had the procedure he never bothered with me again!!..I then met a guy that I married and was in a 10 year relationship with and he was a horrible person he was mentally abusive and treated me bad...he cheated on me a few times and told me what to do..I lived I a beautiful big house and went nice holidays but by this time in my life I was a robot a total shell of a person!! I thought one day I was starting to get strong and I thought pay back time! I slept with someone we knew and I told my husband about it after words thinking that this would end the relationship and I would finally be free how wrong was I...he forgave me right away and told me he would become better, so going with the other guy only added to my worthlessness and the constant battle that goes on in my head everyday!! It made me feel awful for years and still to this day even tho we have been split up for over 3 years it still haunts me!! From a young age iv had my spirit broken and felt worthless and shouldn't be living anymore!!...I try everyday to be better than yesterday and I always to good by people and I'm there for everyone but on a daily basis fighting the demons in my own head and they are winning!!..iv experienced a few different abuses in my life and nobody should have to experience any of that!! I'm constantly wishing my life away because the person I feel I am deep down inside is a lost soul..I don't know what the feeling of happy is!! Iv now approached the doctor and I'm starting therapy..it's going to be a long road but I have to try something as I can't live with this dark cloud any longer.

    Amanda - 13/04/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Amanda,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear that you are feeling very low and in need of some support at the moment. You have done a really strong thing by posting and making the other steps you have in your life to seek help. There and there is specialist support you can access.

      Since the death of your mother left when you were a child, when you will have been very vulnerable to people in your life abusing you. You have experienced a lot of painful things. The aftermath of the abuse and rape you have experienced have affected you a lot, which is natural. It sounds like you have had to cope on your own with so much unhappiness and you have managed that for a long time. But now you need some support.

      Have you had any support for what you have been through in the past? There are lots of services out there and they will be able to give you some support and some advice about what to do next.

      Sexual abuse and rape can be hard to discuss with people you know. If that’s the case you can call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation that specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). If you have someone supporting you may find that you feel more comfortable in future relationships. The more people you have supporting you, the easier it will be for you to decide what to do next to get the help you need at this time.

      I have included some information you may want to look at below. It’s about rape so you might want to make sure you are somewhere you feel safe when you look at it.

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_rapeAndTheEffectsOfRape.pdf

      You are making lots of positive steps in your life to recover from what you have been through. What happened to you was not your fault, you deserve some support now to assist your recovery.

      Take care,

      Becca


      This is Abuse team 14/04/2014

  • anoncf

    13/04/2014

    hi, im 16 and with a girl the same age. We have a great relationship and she feels safe happy and i respect her a hell of a lot and she is wonderful to me. in the very early stages she kissed her ex boyfriend and someone else who she is friends with and it left me hurt and i felt betrayed, she told me the very next day and i forgave her for it but it has left me feeling very fragile and cagey, this has lead to me occaisionally getting riled up when she goes out with her friends because shes friends with loads of boys and they act really flirty and i dont like it, i dont control or try to stop her but i do occaisionally get mad, does this make me an abuser?

    anoncf - 13/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Anoncf,

      Thank you for your message. It shows a lot of strength and self-awareness out reach out for a bit of support and I am pleased you have felt able to.

      It sounds like you are feeling out of control and jealous after your partner kissed someone else, and that you are behaving in ways you don’t feel comfortable with, like getting angry with your girlfriend and checking up on her. These behaviours can be seen as abusive, the fact that you have posted here shows that you are aware that whet you’re doing is not ok and you don’t want to be behaving in a way that upsets her.
      You might want to have a look at this leaflet that explored ways of managing jealousy.

      http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/data/files/managing_jealousy_leaflet.pdf

      I would encourage you to contact the Respect phone line on 0808 802 40 40 if you are worried about your behaviour escalating. They are open Monday to Friday 9-5. You can talk to them about your feelings and they can point you towards further support in your area.

      You can also contact us using the live chat on this site 5-7 weeknights, if you want to talk about this a bit more.


      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 14/04/2014

  • zoe

    12/04/2014

    Hi,

    I dont have anyone to talk to about this so I wanted to get an educated opinion.. my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and we met and became close through our bond of drinking. It became a problem as we began to fight when we got drunk together, and it always seems to be me who starts it only if we are in social situations, never one on one, and when I blackout i start hitting him and kicking him and telling him how much I hate him. If he is drunk too he will hit me back adn we dont stop until someone starts bleeding or one of us runs away. We both love eachother very much and when we are sober have a good relationship and have tried many times to quit drinking but we always seem to go to social gatherings/raves/parties at bars and getting really drunk and beating eachother up. I love him so much but I know its me who starts it and I dont think he deserves this at all, he should have a girlfriend who can go out with him and get drunk and I apparently cant. I dont want to break up with him or lose him.. But this has been happening for a year and I cant take it anymore. We cant seem to stop drinking together but I cant imagine my life without him. We have elaborate goals for the next 10 years of our lives together. Id be so lost without him..

    zoe - 12/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Zoe,

      Thanks for coming forward to talk about what has been happening for you and your partner. There are some really complex issues here.

      It seems like you are in quite a vicious cycle of violence and alcohol use and it seems like both of these need to be addressed. I understand that you have tried to address your drinking, but it seems like you are going to need to change your lifestyle if you are going to be able to address this.

      However, it will take a huge amount of commitment, but there are a lot of services out there that can help you address these issues. You could find your local alcohol service through your GP or your local council.

      There are also huge concerns that your partner and you are both using violence. This is putting you both at huge risk, and under the influence of alcohol it is worrying how violent you or your partner could be, and this is putting both of your lives in danger.

      There is a lot of information for both you, and your partner at www.respectphoneline.org.uk. You can also call the on 0808 802 4040.

      It is really vital that you both get some help to address what is happening.

      Good luck,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 15/04/2014

  • anon

    12/04/2014

    I think my mum may be in a controlling relationship because when her friends as her to come out she makes exuses such as we have plans or he wants to goout and when she reads her texts he llooks at em and rarely asks what shes gonna pyt and shes getting to the point where she hands her phone to him to read the messages. is she in a controlling relationship? ?

    anon - 12/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      Thanks for your message. It must be really hard to be worried about your mum.
      It is not ok to read someone else's messages or to control them in any way. From what you have said it does sound like he is being quite controlling which is concerning.

      Have you spoken to her about this? Perhaps you can tell her (when you are alone) about this website? There are lots of places who can help if she wants to get some support. I am not sure where you live but if you search online for the name of the nearest town to you and 'domestic violence support' you should find details. You can also search here: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/azrefuges.asp?section=00010001000800060002

      It can be really hard worrying about other people we care about, and what is happening is not your responsibility so you may want to talk to someone yourself if this is upsetting you.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 14/04/2014

  • Hannah

    11/04/2014

    Hello. I'm currently in a relationship and I am desperate to get out. We have been together for nearly 2 years and have an 8 month old baby together. I got pregnant very quickly after we got together and feel that the only reason why are together still is because of the baby. Unfortunately he has a hold over me and physically won't let me go. I have tried leaving him on several occasions but he always uses physical means to stop me. He threatens me, calls me names and has physically abused me several times. I'm currently suffering from a swollen face and ear from being pinned down and having him crush the side of my face. I do not want to leave my baby with him but have nowhere to go to get away. He doesn't want me to leave the house without him. He kicked the bathroom door down to get to me today. All of this is infront of our baby. When I say I want to leave him he begs me to stay and tells me how much he needs me.
    I don't know what to do. I need to get out but i am scared for me and my baby.

    Hannah - 11/04/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Hannah
      I am really glad you got in touch, what you are going through is very serious and very dangerous. You are right to be concerned for you and your baby.

      I know it is hard but it is really important that you tell someone. Do you have a health visitor that you see? Are you ever able to be alone with them? Have you gone to the doctors or A&E for your injuries? I am concerned that you need to get medical help now. If you do, perhaps you can talk to someone there? I understand that he does not let you leave the house so perhaps you are not able to get the help you need.

      What about family or friends? Are you in contact with anyone else you can tell? Does he leave the house at all so you can have space to call someone or the police?
      In case you are able to, the national domestic violence helpline number is 0808 2000 247. They are open 24 hours a day and can give you advice and tell you about local services. You could get a place in a refuge where he will not be able to find you.

      I know this all feels very scary and overwhelming, but you have done the right thing in looking for help. It may be a good idea to not tell him you are planning on leaving as this can make the abuse increase. If you can get support from a service they will be able to help you leave safely. You do not have to cope with this alone, there is help and support out here. None of this is your fault.

      If you are able, we have a live chat service every mon-fri between 5-7pm.
      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 14/04/2014

  • Laila

    10/04/2014

    Hi there,

    I have a question: when I was about 19 (a couple of years ago now), I had a sexual encounter with this guy who I was living with (it was a house share so there were 7 other people living there). I was *very* drunk- like, on the way home (we had all gone out together) my head was lolling out of the taxi. He was being very forward and clearly coming on to me, but went back to his room when I went upstairs to go to the toilet. When I came down, I went to his room myself. So, I put myself into the situation, but I seem to remember being unsure and expressing that I wasn't sure I wanted to go ahead when he started initiating sex. I kept blacking out and barely remember anything- even whether he had a condom on or not (next morning I took the morning after pill just to be sure). After he finished, I remember him saying that he was worried what our other housemates would think if they found out- that they might think it was wrong of him. It's also worth mentioning that he was basically sober throughout this encounter.

    Basically, my question is this: if I went to his room myself and basically put myself in the situation- maybe even looked like I was initially saying yes to having sex, just by my body language or something, but at the same time was obviously *very* drunk and not myself at all, does that class as rape? I'm very uncertain. I definitely didn't feel like it had been entirely consensual the next morning, but thought it was probably my fault because I put myself in the situation.

    And finally- does coercion count as rape?

    Thank you!

    Laila - 10/04/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Laila,

      Thanks for your post. It sounds as though you already feel that happened was not okay.

      If you were too drunk you couldn’t consent to sex. Going to someone’s room is not in itself consenting to sex either and certainly doesn’t make what happened your fault. I think it would be good to talk this through with an advisor at Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.

      Coercion, i.e. harassing someone, intimidating them, threatening or in some other way pressurising them into sex takes away their freedom to consent. If someone is coerced into sex they are not freely agreeing to sexual intimacy (consenting).

      I really hope you decide to give the number above a call and talk this through.

      Take Care,
      Brian

      This is Abuse team 10/04/2014

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