HAVE YOUR SAY
Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships
If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board.
The chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.
Seen the ads? What do you think?
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Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?
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Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?
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Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you've got something to say about abuse in relationships then you'll need to accept our terms before you can take part - please see our rules on the right side of the page. You can then enter your comments below or under any video you want to talk about.
jamie
16/05/2013
i think thaat this world is sick i mean how can people be abuseive.also i have a friend who is getting abuse what should i do????/please reply quick as i really what to help him stop getting this horrible abuse.
jamie - 16/05/2013
ReplyHi Jamie
Thank you for your post. We’re sorry to hear about your worries - if you think you have spotted some of the warning signs of abuse in your friend’s relationship, they may need professional help and your encouragement and support to help to stop it.
For more information on the signs, visit this page of the website - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/spot-the-signs, you might already recognise some of them.
Tell your friend you are really worried about them and let them know that the way they’re being treated is not right, it’s not normal, and the abuse is not their fault, it’s unacceptable. Let them know that help and support is available.
It might be useful to think up a code word that they can use on the phone to let you know they need help? When you talk to them, try to make them feel at ease as it takes courage to admit abuse. Please encourage them to talk to a trusted adult, and if their partner has been violent or forced them to have sex, advise them to talk to the police. You shouldn’t confront their partner on your own and neither should your friend. If they decide to leave their relationship, it’s very important they do so safely; they can find more information and advice how to manage that here - http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/59-difficult-to-leave.html, or call Refuge on 0808 2000 247 for further support.
If your friend wants to speak to someone in confidence, encourage them to contact the 24 hour, National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or if they’re under 18, they can speak to ChildLine on 0800 1111 or visit www.childline.org.uk where they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
That same goes for you too if you want support and guidance on how to manage the situation, speak to one of the services detailed above, they will be able to help you.
Tanya
15/05/2013
Hi my name is Tanya me and my boyfriend have been going out for 4 months about a mount ago I started to notice sings at first I thort it was nothing but the sings have got worse what he does is call me names puts me down all the time he does not like my friends he always goes throw my Facebook profile and says why you friends with this person we had a break for about three weeks and in the three week one day me and my friends were going to the park after school he herd me talking and he said he wanted to follow me and see what I was up to what makes me think he could hurt me is he was abused by his dad and I'm worried he could hurt one day please wright back !!
Tanya - 15/05/2013
ReplyHi Tanya
Thank you for your post. We’re sorry to hear you’ve been suffering emotional abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of this type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.
We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk in confidence about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
Lacey
13/05/2013
My names Lacey and im 18, I found out 2 weeks ago some news I wished I never knew, im pregnant. I was waking up feeling sick for a few weeks but thought nothing of it, then I started feeling so tired, friends at work starting joking around saying "maybe you pregnant?" but then i realised there was a chance, i did two tests both positive but I havent told anyone not even my boyfriend. He is in prison now for assult, our relationship is far from perfect family material, im not allowed out with friends, he checks my phone, he says he does it to 'protect me' but i feel like im dirty and cheap for wanting friends and a life outside of the relationship. When we began having sex it was his idea, he said that I need to prove myself faithful to him and that i was only ever going to be his so it didnt matter if i didnt want to.
Please help I dont want to end this pregnancy, this baby did not ask for any of this but I dont know if I can bring a new innocent life into this situation because the relationship will no doubt get worse?
What can I do ?
Lacey - 13/05/2013
ReplyHi Lacey
Thank you for your post. We're sorry to hear about your worries, it sounds like you've suffered from emotional abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of this type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.
We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
As you're 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
You can also contact Brook, which provides free sexual health information and services, on 0808 802 1234, or by visiting http://www.brook.org.uk/
?
09/05/2013
Im 18 years old, i always used to be such a bubbly lively girl always ready to have a good laugh, and now i have just lost all confidence. I always thought i was a strong person, i would always say i would never let a boy treat me so bad, but im not strong not no more. Im 18 and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years he used to be so nice for the first year and then he changed. Ive lost most contact with all of my friends as he moans if i go on social networking sites , if i arrange to see my friends , he even stops me going to family parties that i always used to love. Im so close with my family but how can i tell them how he treats me , they dont no any of this noone does just me . He has become so jealous and possesive , he tells me what to wear , he constantly accuses me of having something on my phone , a secret social networking site , constantly accuses me of looking at boys when im not ! When i go to work i have to tell him what boys im working with , and when i do tell him he constantly argues with me calling me 100 names and accusing me of cheating which i havent. Im just not the person i used to be and people are going to start to notice, he has my passwords to everything and he threatens to fight with any boys that add me on social networking. I have no boys numbers . I cant go out on my own only with him.. He's hit me and spat at me he's threatened me aswell. He calls me fat , slag and awful names and then i find out that his phone is full of girls numbers that he is constantly talking to i wouldnt mind talking to but this isnt just talking i understand girls and boys can be friends but he doesnt see that , i found out he had a secret twitter which is just full of girls that he has also been talking to . So he calls me all the awful things and says im the bad one going off of him, but the way he treats me is so wrong , but how can i get out of this i cant 3 years and im still in this relationship. Everyday he argues with me makes me cry and i have still managed to hide it from my family i dont no how long and how much more i can take and i can go on for and how many more excuses i can make for not going to the family parties that i love so much ! I just dont no what to do , he doesnt even let me go to the gym if i want to i just cry ! he makes me give my passwords but when i ask for his he doesn't let me have his and goes mental asking why i want them. When he is nice he is lovely but lately thats very rarely , he constantly wants sex , even when i dont want to and if i dont have it with him he goes mental and uses me . Im broken into a thousand peices i feel my childhood love should be special and the first year i could see us lasting a lifetime now im just stuck in this relationship hurt everyday crying everyday im lost. I hate who he has become and dont no how much more i can take , im not strong enough to walk away. I Wish i was back to the old me :( i want to be that happy lively girl always smiling laughing and going out enjoyin each day. I no the day that i become strong enough to work away cause this isn't good for me or my family they are going to start to ask whats up , i will never want to be in a relationship like this it will take me a very longtime to get over this :( i just don't get it he wouldnt like anyone treating his sister like it so why does he treat me so bad ? please help me :(?
I dont want to be someone everyone feels sorry for i just want to be the girl i used to be , i spent my childhood wasted it on him all i wanted was for an older boy like he is to sweep me off my feet and treat me right. I used to go out all the time and loved it now i cant even go out :( all i want is a goodnight out , a goodday out with my friends without being hassled or told i cant, a day without being accused of looking at another boy. i cant bare this :( want him to CHANGE so bad i dont no if he will though. i never thought this would happen to me , i never thought i would let it happen to me but i have and now until your in this situation noone knows what its like your stuck in this viscious circle of evil.
? - 09/05/2013
ReplyTo the anonymous writer, who is 18 years old. reading what your going through actually made me cry, it was exactly what i went through in my relationship with my now ex boyfriend, everything you said was exactly what he done to me! i met him when i was 14, he was 17, it took me 2 years to get out of the relationship, i was 16 when i got out, i was really scared to end the relationship because he'd always threaten me and end up outside my house if i tried or find me at school. But i just wanted to tell you how i got out of the relationship, no one knew he was abusive only my bestfriend, he made me stop talking to my family so they never knew but i finally told my cousin and my mum realised herself. because i had people to support me he could no longer control me, because before i was weak to him because he knew i had no one to help me. i just wanted to let you know although he broke my confidence, my happiness, and made my life a living hell with his jealousy, controlling ways, abusiveness, i can tell you now im 19, i havent seen him since the beginning of 2011, and i can tell you i am so much more happier without him!!!!!, although this experience has gave me the worst memories, but i can say im so much stronger and wiser. and i know you say you want him to change (so did i want my ex to change) but lovely i want you to know he will never change, i know my ex boyfriend has been in 3 relationshisp since we broke up and all of his gfs broke up with him because of the same reason i broke up with him - it just shows people never change. whoever you are , you deserve so much better, there are men in this world who would love to be with you and who will treat you like a queen, dont ever let a man treat you badly! ive learnt from my mistakes and i know i deserve an amazing loving partner not an abusive one, and im sure once you tell your family they will help you and support you, please dont feel scared to tell them, dont let him ruin your life!
Umber - 16/05/2013
We're really sorry to hear about your worries - it sounds like you're suffering a mix of emotional and physical assault.
Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour. Signs of emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.
It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s been happening in your relationship. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.
As you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
You can also hear from a survivor of domestic violence here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7a8fsrPEaYQ&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=3&feature=plcp
Amy
09/05/2013
I'm not sure if is considered rape or forced to have sex but I think I have had that experience . I was laying in bed with this guy I liked and he was ontop of me and he was trying to put it in and I said no i don't want to and he yelled at me and said "are you fucken kidding me you don't fucken trust me" and then I looked at him and he had this really mad face on his face and I just said whatever and he put it in and started to have sex with me. After he was done and he was leaving I started crying really hard, and ever since I cannot have sex with another guy. I feel so much pain and I always cry and I just don't know what to do to "fix" me.
Amy - 09/05/2013
ReplyDear Amy
Thank you for your post, we're very sorry to hear about your worries. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported. It’s important to understand that what happened was not your fault; there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
We would urge you to find someone you trust to talk to - a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, it’s really important to speak up about what happened. You have the right to be safe, and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 in confidence to talk; nothing is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline in confidence to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
You can also speak to the police about the assault. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help – if you’re unsure you might find it helpful to talk to an expert who can tell you more about the process and what to expect before you make the call to the police. You can find details of suitable organisations on the Need Help page here - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help.
If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, please call the police on 999.
fizzax
08/05/2013
my boyfriend beat me because i didnt want sex this is my story i met him on a night out with my friends we started dating at the age of 16 and he was 17 1 year older than me he was the most beutifuliest thing eveerr he was amazing we kissed a lot but one day he started to take my top off when i pushed him away and said no he was in a really bad mood that day he carried on and bit my lip until it started to bleed i kicked him where it hurts he slapped me i fell on the floor he picked me up by my hair looked right i to my eyes and started to scream at me i started to cry and through me down the stairs he hit me strangled me my curler was on the other side of him he grabbed the curler and burnt my neck with it that moment i thought my life was going to end i tried to get away from him but no i was trapped i got a stick wacked it on his head and ran upstairs to my bedroom locked the door he folowed after me he got a hammer and broke through my door he pinned me to the wall and had a brokent glass and he cut me with it i slapped him hit him but he kept going on then the most disgusting thing he raped me omg i feel like crying please i beg you i need a reply please x
fizzax - 08/05/2013
ReplyDear Fizzax
What’s happened to you is horrific and we are truly sorry to hear how you have suffered. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported. It’s important to understand that what happened was not your fault; there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
We would urge you to find someone you trust to talk to - a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, it’s really important to speak up about what happened. You have the right to be safe, and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 in confidence to talk; nothing is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline in confidence to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
You can also speak to the police about the assault. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help – if you’re unsure you might find it helpful to talk to an expert who can tell you more about the process and what to expect before you make the call to the police. You can find details of suitable organisations on the Need Help page here - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help.
If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, please call the police on 999.
Anon
06/05/2013
I was forced into sex by my ex boyfriend about 3 years ago. I'm not in a new relationship which has been sexual but there's times I completed freak out when the situation arises. I get really embarrassed that I'm starting to freak out about it so I try going with it but then I just freeze up. When I then say I don't want to, my boyfriend does stop but then he says things like 'oh, I was looking forward to that' and it makes me feel so guilty. There's been times where I've forced myself to have sex with him because he makes me feel guilty when I don't. I try talking to him about it and whenever I finally feel like he gets it, the same situation occurs again. Would do I do? I love my boyfriend and I don't want to be scared to have sex with him but I'm worried if we start doing something and then I want to stop, he wont :( someone help?
Anon - 06/05/2013
ReplyHi there
Thank you for your post - we are so very sorry to hear about this distressing incident from your past. We think it is really important that even though this may have happened some time ago, you should still try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported. Please understand that this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
No matter how long ago it happened please try and find someone you trust to talk to - a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.
jade
02/05/2013
my friend told me that her boyfriend wouldnt stop touching her when she said no . she makes it very clear she wants him to stop but he doesnt . on one occasion he was very drunk and had sex with her when she didnt want to . he still continues to touch her when she doesnt want to , but she ends up laughing it off . she doesnt think this is abuse and just goes along with it now.. is it abuse?
jade - 02/05/2013
ReplyHi Jade
Thank you for your post. If your friend has been forced or pressured to have sex when they didn’t want to, that is rape and therefore a crime. We would encourage you to speak to your friend and help them understand that what happened wasn’t their fault and there was nothing they could have done to prevent it. Let them know there are people who can help them and provide support and guidance.
If your friend is under 18, you should encourage them to call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about it, or go to www.childline.org.uk where they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If they’re over 18, they can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
If you ever feel that your friend is in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
Jess
29/04/2013
One of my best friends is a boy and he is really lovely and I can tell him anything. I just want to be friends but he wants more and we tried before and it really didn't work so we left it. But recently he came up behind me in my science lesson and squeezed my bum. I was so embarressed and didn't know what to do I just tried to ignore him but then he went down my trousers and I could have cried I was so mortified but too ashamed to tell anyone so I was texting him that night and asked him to not do it again and he was really good about it so i left it. But he won't stop. He hasn't been down my trousers since but he keeps squeezing my bum and going up my leg. I don't know if i'm being frigid but I can't stand it. I've told my friend and she wants me to report him but I know he'll hate me if I do and I've told him some private things i'm worried about him telling everyone. What do I do?
Jess - 29/04/2013
ReplyHi Jess
Thank you for your post. We're sorry to hear about your worries. If you’re being forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what has happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.
If you are unsure, examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, being pressured to send naked pictures of yourself, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.
If this has happened to you, we would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Also remember that if you have been sexually assaulted you can speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
micky
28/04/2013
I've been with my boyfriend 2 years nearly and things haven't been great recently as we've had trust problems due to him talking dirty to another girl and chatting people up on dating sites.however hes promised to change and things have been ok but since I found out about the dating sites I've been secretly checking his emails and phone. Is this acceptable?.. Also when arguments get heated up he says things like you make me sick and then I give him abuse like your a dick. I have hit him twice before and I even ended it because of this but he cries and tells me how much I mean to him and then I do the same. How can this stop because I do genuinely love this person and it's making me think suicidel thoughts everytime we argue because Id rather be dead than him suffer my anger. Please help x
micky - 28/04/2013
ReplyDear Micky
Thank you for your post. Staying in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused could cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence. An abusive, violent or controlling relationship is not normal or acceptable; nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour and if the bullying is making you worried you need to speak to a trusted adult.
If you’re under 18 and you need to talk to someone in confidence contact ChildLine on 0800 11 11 or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, contact the 24 hour, National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
elena
28/04/2013
i have just come out of a relationship were i was mentally phyiscally and sexually abused on a daily basis reported it twice to the police and they did nothing he is walking around the town i live in telling lies about me so the abuse is ongoing
elena - 28/04/2013
ReplyDear Elena
Thank you for your post. If you’ve being forced or pressured to have sex, or taken part in sexual activity that you didn't feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.
If you are unsure, examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, being pressured to send naked pictures of yourself, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.
If this has happened to you, we encourage you to keep trying to find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. They offer counselling and support for women who have experienced any form of sexual violence, not just rape.
Also remember that if you have been sexually assaulted, we encourage you to keep trying to speak to the police to get the help you're entitled to. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help.
phoebe
28/04/2013
My boy friend kicks me in maths yet claims its just for fun he never admits to being wrong somtimes he calls me names. He doesnt want people to knpw were going out. He has said to my friends that he reported me to the police when i stood on his foot after he kicked me. Is this abuse please help!?
phoebe - 28/04/2013
ReplyHi Phoebe
Thank you for your post.
We’re sorry to hear about your worries. It sounds like you’ve been suffering a mixture of physical and emotional abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of physical abuse can include kicking, and emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.
We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk in confidence about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Judith Bagley
27/04/2013
From one who was in an abusive relationship for 19 years please get out at the first sign don't wait thinking it won't happen again because it will and it will keep happening until you walk away. Pack up your clothes, your children (if you have them ) and your self respect and walk away while you still can because one day it will be too late.
Judith Bagley - 27/04/2013
ReplyCharlotte
27/04/2013
My best friends boyfriend is 15 and she is 14 , recently they have had sexual intercourse and I thought nothing too it at first but ,the past few months he was sending me messages telling me to commit suicide and he with hit me etc and I'm scared that he has abused her into having sex but how can I make sure? Or find out?
Charlotte - 27/04/2013
ReplyHi Charlotte
Thank you for your post. We’re sorry to hear about your worries - if you think you have spotted some of the warning signs of abuse in your friend’s relationship, they may need professional help and your encouragement and support to help to stop it. For more information on the signs, visit this page of the website - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/spot-the-signs, you might already recognise some of them.
Tell your friend you are really worried about them and let them know that the way they’re being treated is not right, it’s not normal, and the abuse is not their fault, it’s unacceptable. Let them know that help and support is available.
It might be useful to think up a code word that they can use on the phone to let you know they need help? When you talk to them, try to make them feel at ease as it takes courage to admit abuse. Please encourage them to talk to a trusted adult, and if their partner has been violent or forced them to have sex, advise them to talk to the police. You shouldn’t confront their partner on your own and neither should your friend. If they decide to leave their relationship, it’s very important they do so safely; they can find more information and advice how to manage that here - http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/59-difficult-to-leave.html, or call Refuge on 0808 2000 247 for further support.
If your friend wants to speak to someone in confidence, encourage them to contact the 24 hour, National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or if they’re under 18, they can speak to ChildLine on 0800 1111 or visit www.childline.org.uk where they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
That same goes for you too if you want support and guidance on how to manage the situation, speak to one of the services detailed above, they will be able to help you.
Zoe
27/04/2013
Just want to share a bit of a nasty experience for anyone younger to hear about. Now I'm older and can look back on my life a bit, I know this was wrong. When I was fourteen I began a kind of secret relationship with an eighteen year old. He was foreign and didn't speak a lot of English admittedly, but on our second liaison in the middle of the night, I had my first kiss, but straight after he started touching me and held me on the floor. I was shaking and not really sure what was going on but I kept moving his hand away from me and said no repeatedly but he told me to be quiet. I didn't really know the sex was happening because I hadn't done it before but I remember I was shaking and struggling and couldn't really breathe. After it happened I haven't spoken to him since, and am just left with this pretty traumatic experience of having my first time. So if anyone's reading this and you're with someone who wants to do it and you don't, you should never have your first time and just try to forget about it. Your first time is meant to be special and you're meant to be ready. I didn't have that, but at least I've learnt from it that your partner should respect you enough to wait. I really would hate to think that other girls were having the same experience as me. Luckily now a few years on I've finally found the right one, and have tried to forget about the first bad one. Don't be afraid to say no.
Zoe - 27/04/2013
ReplyHi Zoe
Thank you for your post. We are so very sorry to hear about this distressing incident from your past. We think it is really important that even though this may have happened some time ago, you should still try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported. Please understand that this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
No matter how long ago it happened please try and find someone you trust to talk to - a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.
If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.