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This is ABUSE

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Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

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An expert from Young People’s Services – AVA – is reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 1 - 15 of 2149

  • tammy

    18/12/2014

    Jo, thanks for your reply and all your help its good to know there are things I can do. Although I'm scared to take that first step.
    If I do tell my midwife will she involve social services, will they take my child away from me if they know what's happening?
    Sorry not sure if I am allowed to reply back to you, I just have that question in my head.
    Thankyou again

    tammy - 18/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Tammy
      I am really glad you got in touch, it is absolutely fine to reply!
      I totally understand why you are worried about what might happen if you tell your midwife about the abuse.
      When you tell her, what should happen is she will be able to listen and offer support and refer you to a local domestic violence support service. She may have to ask certain questions about what has been happening so she can get a full picture of how best to support you and what your needs are. Try to be honest with her and that will help keep you safe.

      If she did tell social services (and she would discuss this with you first) they would not take your child away - their main concern is keeping children with their non-abusive parents. What they would be concerned about is keeping you and your child safe. Your midwife may not even tell them, but even if she does please do not worry. No-one will think you are not able to be a good mother, everyone will just want to help and keep you safe.

      There are lots of options as well in terms of support, including the local services, the police, injunctions, refuges (a safe house for you to live in with your baby) etc and the choices will be yours to make.

      Please talk to your midwife, you and your baby deserve to be safe and happy.
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 19/12/2014

  • Tammy

    17/12/2014

    Iv posted on here b4, currently in a 5 yr abusive relationship. I didn't mention we have a child, and I'm currently pregnant.
    I know you would think why have sex with that person.....i don't want to I feel like I have to.
    I'm 23, is there anything I can do before I gain strength to leave to make sure he won't be able to take my child away from me. He already said if I do leave I wont see our child again. He will lie in court. I could go on. Iv had enough and its getting worse, me being pregnant doesn't stop him hitting Me. Inside and out I'm drained. I need to know he cant take my children.

    Tammy - 17/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Tammy

      It's good to hear from you again. I am really sorry to hear how bad things are. It must be very scary and worrying especially as you are pregnant. Unfortunately abuse can often get worse during pregnancy and this is very serious.

      Many abusers threaten to try to take the children or lie to make the other parent look bad, however, there is help for you to get through this.
      I suggest contacting Rights of Women who are a team of female lawyers who can provide free legal advice on their phoneline and specialise in cases of domestic violence. They will be able to tell you what your rights are.
      http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/
      Call 020 7251 6577
      Monday 7-9pm, Tuesday 7-9pm, Wednesday 7-9pm, Thursday 7-9pm, Friday 12-2pm
      (please note that the line will be closed on Thursday, 18 December 2014 and from Monday, 22 December 2014 to Friday, 2 January 2015. The line will re-open on Monday, 5 January 2015)

      There are also specialist domestic violence courts where cases like this can be heard and all the people who work there are trained to understand how abusers may act and will be able to support you.

      You can also contact the national domestic violence helpline anytime - 24 hours a day for support 0800 2000 247 - they can tell you about local support services or even about refuges if you choose to leave him and want somewhere safe for you and your child to stay.

      Here is some info about child contact after separation and how to make it safe - http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100380002

      And some advice on how to leave the relationship safely: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005

      It's really important that you get support from people around you as well as professional help. As you are pregnant you can talk to your midwife - they are required to ask all pregnant women if they are in an abusive relationship and they also have to see you alone so that is a perfect opportunity to tell her what is going on and she can help you. You can also tell your GP or ring the police anytime.

      As you know, this is very serious and I am very concerned about you. Please do contact the helplines I have mentioned but also read the safety info and call the police if you are scared.

      You are not alone and you deserve to be safe,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 17/12/2014

  • Jude

    17/12/2014

    I'd also like to ask if there is any organisation you suggest that might help to give me counselling for suffering abuse? As i have problems like flashbacks from last year in my mind due to my anxiety issues. I was never offered any help through the nhs for the physical and psychological abuse i suffered, just put on an assertive course and an anxiety course which was cbt. The assertive course helped but the cbt didn't deal with relationship anxiety and anxiety by my long term health problems

    Jude - 17/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jude

      That is a great question and really important. Abuse can have long lasting impacts on our mental health and it is very important to get some specialist help.

      You could go back to your GP and request specific counselling to deal with the trauma symptoms you are experiencing, or you could contact the national domestic violence helpline - 0800 2000 247, they can tell you about services in your local area which can include one to one and group based counselling. You may benefit from group sessions with other people who have been through similar things, or you may prefer one to one support.

      There is some useful info here about how domestic abuse can impact on mental health and what support options there are as well as some helpful links.

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100360002

      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 17/12/2014

  • Hannah

    15/12/2014

    I am 18 have been with my boyfriend since I was 14. It was great at first then he started getting snappy and losing his temper and pushing me around for no reason. I felt so alone which is no excuse for cheating on him but I did. I kept this to myself for 2 years which I hated doing but I was scared and everytime I tried to end the relationship he wouldn't let me. I told him what I had did and i know it must be a horrible feeling for him but now 2 years later he brings it up nearly everyday. I always thought he would change because when he was nice he was really nice but when he was horrible he was the nastiest person in the world. He used to argue with me infront of my friends and call me fat and ugly and a slag infront of loads of people. He'd spit in my face and drag me around when we were out with friends. Im not saying im an angel i hit him back after he had hit me and I shouldnt of cheated in the first place. I am now pregnant as he would shout at me if i took birth control. I don't know what to do and feel so lost. I feel obligated to stay with him because i have made the mistake of cheating on him and he makes me feel guilty, even more than I already do.

    Hannah - 15/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Hannah
      Thank you for your message. It sounds like things have been hard for a long time. You have been together for ages and grown up together really, so I understand why this is so hard.

      Firstly, this is not your fault and you do not deserve the abuse. I know you feel bad about cheating on him, and although cheating is not great, you were scared of him and he would not let you leave the relationship. You were honest with him and he is still using this against you but not taking any accountability for his own behaviour.

      I have to say I am very concerned about you especially as you are pregnant. It is quite common for abusers to control access to birth control, but sometimes when women are pregnant the abuse can get worse which puts you and the baby at risk.

      It is really important that you tell people what is happening so you can get the support you need and deserve. If you are pregnant you should be seeing a doctor/midwife regularly and this may give you an opportunity to tell them what is happening. In fact, all midwives have to ask everyone if they are being abused in their relationship and they should make sure you are on your own when they ask - this is a perfect opportunity to tell someone who can help you safely.

      You can always ring the police and you can also ring the free 24 hour national domestic violence helpline on 0800 2000 247. They can give advice and tell you about local services. I am concerned that you have wanted to leave before but he has not let you, this may be even harder as you are pregnant - so your safety is really important. There are refuges that you can go to where you can live safely away from him and rebuild your life.

      I know this may sound overwhelming but the safety of you and the baby is the most important thing. You do not have to stay with him, you are not at fault here. You deserve a happy and safe life as does your child. If you do decide to leave, please get professional support and tell them what you plan to do so you can get help to leave safely. There are also some tips here: http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 15/12/2014

  • Ali

    15/12/2014

    Hi I am seeking help because I am being emotionally a used by my girlfriend who im soon marrying but emotionally blackmailed into marrying. I have been with her for 6 years we have been ok we had our little ups and downs but nothing our love couldn't overcome I grew to love her more and more she was my secondary school dream girl I loved and appreciated everything she's done for me I took part in bad stuff with my friends I have put a stop to it but she bully's me and picks on me whenever she feels like and tells me how I'm not good enough and makes me feel terribly small i faced abuse from her everyday for the past year n she would be nice to me here and there and make me feel special and promise me that things will b better when we are married I chose to believe it out of hope. I couldn't see a day without her and I need her in my life. I lived every day after that nicely but I wouldn't disagree with anything out of fear. I gave her everything I could and I bought her wedding dress and accessorys just how she wanted it I made decisions that my parents didn't even like so I don't lose her and recently she said I can't enjoy my best friend to my wedding and I couldnt take it anymore so I confronted her and I told her that I gave her everything the way she wanted it i made things how she wanted it but this is my wedding too and I deserve to have my friends there and she replied back telling me how I'm not good enough for her and she's only there because she has had sexual intercourse with me and religiously we have to be married. But that was made up I asked a guy in the mosque and he told me different so I confronted her and things went uglie so I said sorry and le it blow over. I got her brother over to tell him about this and to make her U derstand that this is depressing me and he had a go at me instead. I then said that I came to a conclusion that this can't go on and I don't want this marriage nomore and I want to leave even though it hurts me and she said it's too late we all have paid for everything and our families have prepared for it already so you have to get married to me now and I was threatened by her brother that he would kill me if I leave his sister and make up with her again I was afraid of leavin her but coming to realise I miss her somebody please help me

    Ali - 15/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ali
      Thank you for your message. I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through.

      It sounds like your girlfriend has been quite emotionally abusive and controlling over the years which is not ok. It must be very hard with the added pressure of the wedding.

      I am concerned about the threats her brother has made to you and think it is important that you get some support straight away.

      There is a really good helpline for people affected by forced marriage - I think that because of the abuse and the threats from him about what he will do if you don't go through with the marriage you should get some advice from them

      Here are their details:
      http://www.karmanirvana.org.uk/help-me/
      help line – 0800 5999 247

      The government also have a forced marriage unit which you can call on (0) 20 7008 0151.

      I also hear that you still love her and miss her. That can feel really confusing but it is understandable that you can love someone but also hate or be frightened of their behaviour. It does not sound like marrying her is the best thing for you to do, but I want you to get advice about how to leave the relationship (if that's what you want) safely .Your welfare is really important and I am concerned for your safety.

      If you are threatened or scared you can always ring the police on 999.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 17/12/2014

  • Caroline

    14/12/2014

    I think I was a victim of abuse both physical and emotional in a previous relationship that ended over a year ago. Is it too late to do anything about it?

    Caroline - 14/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Caroline

      It is never too late to do something. I am not sure if you are referring to reporting it to the police or getting some emotional support. However, in both cases it is never too late.

      You can report abuse to the police and you can find out about local support services by calling the national domestic violence helpline on 0800 2000 247 - they are open 24 hours a day. They can also talk you through what would happen if you were to report it. It can be very important to get emotional support when coping with the impacts of abuse, so do think about that too.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 17/12/2014

  • alii

    12/12/2014

    My dad has abused my mum. He is very controlling over her in everything she does and she cannot be herself because she has to do what he tells her to.. If she does anything he is not happy with.. like social networking, he will physically abuse her to the point where she cannot go out in public because of the bruises all over her face and body. I am worried about my mum and I know she is unhappy and I know she wants to leave but is scared. But I love my dad also and I don't want him to be on his own either. Because I know he loves her. He is also sick so I am scared that something happens him when he's alone

    alii - 12/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Alii
      Thank you for your message. I understand how scary and upsetting this must be. What your dad is doing is very abusive and not ok at all.
      Luckily, there is a lot of support out here for you and your family.
      I think the best thing to do is to contact the national domestic violence helpline - they are open 24 hours a day, it's free and confidential. You can call them on 0800 2000 247. They can advise you and tell you about services in your area.

      Does anyone else know what is happening ? Any other family members? You can also tell other people like your doctor/teacher for instance.

      I know you are also worried about your dad, but the most important thing is you and your mum's safety. This is a lot for you to have to cope with. If you dad is willing he can also access support - there are services for abusive men to help them change how they behave.

      Why don't you or your mum ring the helpline and find out what your options are? It's best not to tell your dad about this, they can advise you how to stay safe. There are also safe places you and your mum could go to stay called refuges if needed.

      You did the right thing contacting us, I really hope this helps. Come back any time if you need more support,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 12/12/2014

  • Grace

    11/12/2014

    I am 21 and earlier this year started seeing a guy who I got on very well with, we talked alot on the phone and texted alot as we didn't live very near one another. He started to ask me to send him nude photos which I declined as I had never done that before and didn't want to. We stopped talking for a while and then it started up again stronger than ever. He basically guilt tripped me into sending him pictures which I know I shouldn't have but he was so forceful and he told me I could trust him etc. For which I feel very very stupid now. So I sent him some pictures. He then started talking about having a threesome and started sending the pictures to a girl he wanted to join us. This was weird for me as I didn't really want to get involved, but he is very persuasive and doesn't stop until he gets what he wants. During this time however I met an amazing bloke who I really really like. However while I started a relationship with my new partner I felt as though I couldn't stop talking to the previous one as he would get angry and threaten to do something with the pictures I have sent him. Several times now I have told him I don't want to talk to him anymore and have blocked him on all social media sites but he still messages me and rings me and threatens me with these pictures. I cannot tell my boyfriend about it as he would be devastated to know that I had been talking to this other guy. But everything I try and stop I'm terrified he will do something with these pictures. So I continue to keep him appeased. What should I do?!

    Grace - 11/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Grace
      Thanks for your message. I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through. What he is doing is wrong and abusive.
      It's not ok for him to threaten you and make you do things and send images that you don't want to.

      It's really good you have blocked him on social media. Perhaps you can also block his number so he can't ring or message you?

      Here is some good info about this issue and what you can do: http://www.childline.org.uk/explore/onlinesafety/pages/sexting.aspx

      You can also report this online to CEOP who can help: https://www.ceop.police.uk/Ceop-Report/Ceop-Report-For-Someone-Else/

      I hope this helps. Remember this was not your fault, he has been threatening and abusive. I am glad you are with someone lovely now. I hope it works out for you,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 12/12/2014

  • chloe

    10/12/2014

    ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for quite a few months now. for the first few weeks it was great and then he started hitting me, it only started as play fighting but the punches got harder and bruises were scattering on my body. he calls me 'fat thighs' even after he knows i have self confidence issues. hes just recently stopped me from speaking two my boy best friend as he doesent like him and demands two know whenever he is messaging me. he picks any little thing two have an argument with me and will find any excuse two call me names. i have no idea what two do?

    chloe - 10/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Chloe

      It sounds like your boyfriend is being physically and emotionally abusive and controlling. It sounds like things are getting worse as he is now isolating you from your friends who could help you.

      Do you still want to be in the relationship? I am concerned for you and your well-being.

      It is important that people know what is going on. Can you tell your parents/doctor/someone at school, college, uni, work?

      You can also ring the national helpline anytime for some free, confidential advice on 0800 2000 247.

      This link has important info on staying safe if you choose to stay or leave him.
      http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 12/12/2014

  • Elesha

    09/12/2014

    Hi
    About 5 years ago when I was 15 I got into a reletionship with a man who I loved he was perfect! Until a year into when he changed started being violent and very controlling! He even threated me with a knife when I tried to leave the reletionship! I was beaten and raped weekly by a man I thought loved me! I remember watching the news one day and seen a story about a woman who had been murdered by her boyfriend as it scared the life out of me I didn't want to die at 16! I got in touch with the police and stood in court against this man who got sentenced to 6 years I then done charity work to raise money for awareness for teenage reletionship abuse! When I went through it there was nothing like this website around for me! So i am so happy to see such an amazing website! Even though I still suffer with the emotional side of what happened I'm a survivor and will never class myself as a victim!

    Elesha - 09/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Elesha

      Thank you so much for your message. I think it will help a lot of people to read about your experiences and how you have come out the other side. You have been incredibly brave by reporting him, going through the court process and then working to help other young people! You are amazing!

      It sounds like you went through horrific abuse and I am so glad that you escaped and that he was sent to prison. It is understandable that you suffer emotionally still as abuse is very traumatic. You can always access counselling and support at any time.

      Thank you again for sharing your story,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 15/12/2014

  • Darcy

    06/12/2014

    I was in a relationship with a man who I thought was the one. Everything was perfect. Until around 8 months into the relationship I noticed my boyfriend being very over protective of me and losing his temper with me easily and getting jealous over very small things. I remember one day he shouted me into a corner, screaming in my face calling me all kinds of vile names. I really took it to heart thinking I'd done something wrong, when all I'd done was walked into the room and made a small comment about how we were going to be late for an appointment. He'd call me up and hurl abuse at me if he'd seen a boy 'like' any of my facebook statuses/posts etc. There were more episodes like this that followed, I thought they were just phases or it was me being stupid and being in the wrong. I wasn't allowed to wear certain clothes, speak to certain people, see my family, wear much make up etc. He would regularly shout at me and lock me in the flat while I screamed and screamed for help, to no avail. I found myself becoming very depressed and isolated. I still am now. He wouldn't let me leave. He would regularly check my phone, facebook, email everything. I was HIS property it seemed. Everything was my fault. I couldn't so much as glance at another human being f the opposite sex without getting the third degree. I'd sometimes get yelled at in public. He hated me going to work, he even tried to make me quit. Although he never physically abused me the damage he caused me affects my everyday life now. I'm just grateful to be out of that relationship before it got any worse.

    Darcy - 06/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Darcy
      Thank you so much for sharing what happened to you. I am so sorry that you experienced abuse like that. Emotional and psychological abuse can be very frightening and upsetting. Even if it was not exactly physical it is still very serious.

      I am really glad you are no longer in that relationship. Do you feel safe now? Do you have any contact with him? You can always call the police if you are scared or threatened and you can ring the national domestic violence helpline anytime on 0800 2000 247 - they can put you in touch with local support services if you feel you need some support to deal with what happened.

      Thank you for sharing your story, it will help a lot of people to know that you can leave an abusive relationship.
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 08/12/2014

  • Ailish

    06/12/2014

    I met someone online and we started a long distance relationship and we spoke for a couple of years everything was great. This is the first relationship I've had. He came over and got drunk the first night and forced me up against the bathroom sink, I don't like to think about it as rape because it makes me feel dirty and disgusting. I don't believe if he loved me he could rape me. Then we would be lying in bed and he'd force himself on top of me. While I'd tell him multiple times I didn't want too. I eventually after a couple of months went and lived with him and he would always badmouth my mother and my friends and say I was in a toxic environment and try to isolate me from everyone. We got married (it wasn't the way I wanted to get married) but we did. He left me on my wedding night to go chill out with friends. Everytime we argued it would always be my fault. He would say 'if you loved me you'd treat me right, you'd satisfy me. He grabbed my arms and left bruises. He'd be loving and tell me that I'm the only one for him then he would be like well I'll go somewhere else to have sex because you can't satisfy me. he put his hands over my mouth several times when we were having sex when I was saying no. I have since moved back home but he refuses to get a divorce. I'm still married to him and there's things I can't forgive him for or would take a lot of work. He forces me to take nude pictures and send them to him because if I dont he makes me feel terrible but I can't help but have to listen I hate to upset him. He's recently shown his friends pictures of me and didn't ask my permission. My friend tell me I should get out of this situation but I love him. I need help please.

    Ailish - 06/12/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ailish

      I am really glad you got in touch. It sounds like you are in a very abusive relationship. Your husband has been abusive sexually, physically and emotionally. I understand why you don't like to think that what he did was rape, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong. Unfortunately it was rape but that was not your fault.

      I am glad you are no longer living with him but I hear that the abuse is still continuing. Making you send pictures and then showing them to people is also abusive.

      Does anyone else know what has been going on? You say you told a friend which is really good, I think the next step is to talk to a professional or organisation who can help you. You can report this all to the police, I know this may sound scary but they can support you. You can also call the national domestic violence helpline anytime on 0800 2000 247 or rape crisis - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ 0808 802 9999
      They can give you confidential advice.

      I am not sure how far apart you live but you could think about blocking him online so he can't contact you and also try not to send the pictures. This is really hard I know, and I understand that you can love someone but hate how they treating you.
      However, he is being very abusive and is showing no signs of changing. I am concerned for you and think it is really important that you get some help.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 08/12/2014

  • Alyssa

    27/11/2014

    I split up with my ex boyfriend eight months ago. It took me a while to realise it, but it was an emotionally abusive relationship. He was a really horrible person, but I saw him through rose-tinted glasses. I am completely over my ex boyfriend and want nothing to do with him, however I am not over the way he made me feel or the things he would say to me to make me feel so low. I thought I had pushed it all away, but eight months later, I am still being affected and even went to his house the other day (thank god he wasn't at home). I think I just want to find out, how I, could fall in love with such a horrible person, because I'm a nice, kind-hearted person. I feel extremely depressed and ill at the moment. I've lost weight, and have anxiety attacks frequently. I am so disappointed at myself for allowing his actions to pop back into my life after eight months of what felt like, freedom. Am I entitled to get help, even though I am no longer in the relationship?

    Alyssa - 27/11/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Alyssa

      I am really glad you got in touch. It's totally normal to be feeling anxious and depressed after an abusive relationship. Abuse is very traumatic and can have long lasting impacts.

      I think it would be best and safer to not go to his house again. He has been abusive and it may not be safe to do this. I do not think it will give you the closure or answers you are looking for either and could make you feel worse.

      You are always entitled to help, no matter how much time has passed since the abuse. It is really good that you are looking for this.
      So, you can get some counselling by asking your GP, or you can find some specialist support for people who have experienced abuse. You can find out what there is locally to you by using this link - http://www.womensaid.org.uk/azrefuges.asp?section=00010001000800060002&itemTitle=A-Z+of+services and searching by region or by calling the national domestic violence helpline on 0800 2000 247. They can offer you free, confidential advice and tell you about local support groups.

      I think this will really help you.
      Here is some info about looking after yourself and coping after abuse - http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100360004

      Remember none of this was your fault. Try to focus on the future and all you have to look forward to.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 12/12/2014

  • Meg

    18/11/2014

    When I was around 14 year old I was with a 17 year old boy for around 5 month, we didn't have sexual intercourse but we had sexual contact, and if I didn't want to take part he would get angry, argue and ask why, telling me he didn't understand why I didn't want to and if I loved him I would do it and that it would bring us closer, it happened every so often until the relationship ended. He didn't just make me feel bad in those instances it was also in everyday conversations he would constantly argue with me and make out everything was my fault and hurt my feelings. I look back on it now and just want to know was that rape or emotional abuse or both?

    It also affected me really badly when I got with my next boyfriend a few month later who I am still with (nearly 2 years) we are sexually active and when we first started if I didn't want to do something I felt really guilty and would break down crying, that feeling has mostly gone now; although now I feel emotionally numb and I'm easily angered, etc. I keep having to be referred to mental health clinics and I would if what happened contributes to how I am now? I know its not as bad as other peoples situations but it would help get me to the bottom of why I feel like this.

    Meg - 18/11/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Meg

      Thanks for your message.
      I understand why this is affecting you so much.
      Firstly, what he did was abusive, emotionally and sexually. It is never ok to pressure or force someone to do something that they don't want to do. And actually, because you were under 16 legally you were not able to consent to sexual activity anyway so it was also illegal.

      None of what happened was your fault.

      The feelings you are having now with your current relationship are totally normal given what you have been through. Sexual contact now may be triggering memories of the previous abuse, even if you feel safe with your current boyfriend. I hope he understands how you feel and respects it if you don't want to do anything?

      I am glad to hear that these feelings are getting better, with time that often happens, especially when you feel you can trust someone.
      I think what happened to you is absolutely linked to how you feel now. When you are referred to mental health services are you able to tell them what you went through? I think it is important that you try to do this so they know how best to help you and understand why you are feeling like this now.

      You could also access some specialist counselling for survivors of sexual assualt - rape crisis are a lovely charity with a helpline that you can call to find out about your nearest service:
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline
      0808 802 9999
      12 - 2.30pm
      7 - 9.30pm

      What happened to you does not have to define your life now, it is great you have a lovely boyfriend now but you don't have to struggle alone with how you feel, there is support and you will be able to move forwards.
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 19/12/2014

  • Lucy

    17/11/2014

    Is it rape when I say no many times for not having sex but then he tries anyways and i give up eventually to have sex?

    Lucy - 17/11/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lucy

      That is a good question and one a lot of people ask.

      The basic answer is yes, that would be rape. If someone wants to have sex and and you say no and they still continue that is rape. Even if you eventually 'agree', you have made it really clear that you do not want to and they should respect that.

      There is some info here about consent and what it means - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assault/consent

      If this is happening to you then you can always talk to rape crisis who can listen and help you - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline
      0808 802 9999
      12 - 2.30pm
      7 - 9.30pm

      This is not your fault, no-one deserves this and everyone should be respectful of whether someone else wants to have sex or not. It is your right to say no at anytime, and in fact you don't have to say the word 'no' to not consent to sex. If you have sex because someone is pressuring you to to the point where you feel you have to give in, you have not truly consented.

      Please think about talking to rape crisis and maybe also other people you feel you can talk to like friends, family another adult that you trust.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 17/12/2014

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