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This is ABUSE

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An expert from Young People’s Services – AVA – is reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 1 - 15 of 2199

  • fez

    27/01/2015

    I met this person online in 2007 through a friend who was on my msn list. he added him to the convo and we started chatting. I didn't think too much of it, he added me to friends list and we spoke now and then. I had gone to London to see my friend in London in Oct 2008 and the night I came back I had a witheld call my phone, i answered it and it was this guy J. (I believe i had given him my number earlier in the year - we may have spoken on the phone before and was very pleasant).
    By 2009 we were talking more on the phone and MSN, I had graduated in the winter on 2008 and was still looking for work, Not much to do and with no money we kept talking. Then somewhere along the line it was a january maybe in 2009/2010 I told him i told want to talk to you and he went mental. I had given him my house number and address once on the phone as a joke i said it really fast as he would say if you love me you'll give me it. The bad thing was he memorized it so that day when we argued and i said i didnt want to talk to him he rang my house phone at 1/1.30am in the morning when all my family was sleeping. I then immediately rang him back from my house phone as i had no credit and was crying as i couldn't believe he had done that and he was going crazy and saying you can't leave me etc. Then somewhere along the line, i started to get prank calls and texts saying its J's wife. J would say its my cousin playing games. Along with the house phone calls and this and then seeing his picture (which i did not like) i realised i started to hate him and what he had done to me. COntrolling my life, not letting me see my friends, not letting me use my facebook, made me snap my sim card with my number i had for 10 years. Making sure i answered his calls to make sure i wasn't out anywhere - he would listen to the background to make sure no boys. And send me abusive text messages calling me a fat b"tch cheating as i didnt answer calls. he once saw some messages an old friend send on FB and went crazy. logs on to facebook and twitter and email accounts, sent any messages he thought were from guys (going back to school days) to himself in a secret email address. I wasn't allowed access to his information.I went to london for my friends hen party and J is from there, we went out to eat and he was watching us from the side of the road and then came to our hotel and made me see him. this was late night but i had to text him all of my locations as i thought i was protecting my family. (this is in april 2010) I wasn't sure how they would react and they may think bad of me (as i'm from a conservative asian family).
    J is also asian.
    Then in jan 2011 i had to go to friends wedding as i was bridesmaid he made me swear on my dad's life i wouldn't go but i couldn't back out, i had the matching dresses etc. anyway he bombareded my with calls and txts. and then rang my house luickly my dad didnt know who it was and he didnt say anything. he would send texts to my house so the phone rings and the text is read out. I hate him.
    He stopped working and alsways aparently sold drugs on the side. No job and so free time to ruin my life.
    i think in may 2011 we went to london for my birthday to stay at our friends and we went to a club which he came to. my friend said shall we go and get food so we left the otheres there and went to eat. he went crazy and bombareded my calls and then came to pick me up - i made a story saying he's my cousins cousin as my other friend who i was with was from london and had called her bf to pick her up. J came drunk and said it was fault for going off he got drunk and which guys i came to meet etc.
    the next day i met him after meeting my cousin and before i went back to my friends house in london, i cried and he did saying he loves me.
    2012 he calmed down calling me and this contined for 2013. 2013 i had time with friends and had lunch and dinner out. and basically used my facebook with the email and password he set. i still would text and call but usually when he instigated it. 2013 i went on holiday for 2 days and he allowed it but did stres me out wanting to knw everything and why id idnt answer was i with boys. 2014 again reasonable - i could handle it. then he started calling and on 29th Nov i was out for xmas do with my friends at the theatre and i text back saying i am with my family i cant talk and because i didnt answer so he could listen to background he flipped saying you're with guys. then from there to now its been hell. i had a holiday in late december which is he allowed but one day he called 80 times as i was too tired to talk to him, we had been walking all day and i said my friends are in bed and so am i. he goes go out in the hall and i was like im in my Pj's and he goes you got guys in room although i let him listen - he was screaming - bombardin my phone with text couldnt txt back - messgaes full.
    Then the next day i didnt receive any calls after we spoke in the morning where i was begging him to understand. and basiclaly no calls no texts then i left for england that evening and when i got to airport started again. he was txting calling wanting to hear background when i greeted my family on the way home in the car. when i got home i didnt and couldn spend time with my family i had to talk to him - even my dad was asking about me. and then i fell aslp by accident and woke up at 3.30 am and he was still calling non-stop - answered had to go down stairs and explained. he said im not goign to slp - that is what he says a lot that this is his time and i owe him. i comply as he always threathens to call my house. Then the next morning i had to start my new job, all weeek he wouldnt let me slp til 2/3am and talk on way to work, at lunch and on the drive home and when i got home. Now its 3 weeks later he is more or less the same - he wants to spek on skype now. last night he went out and i had gone to bed and he was llike if you don't talkt ot me il call your house - spoke on skype crying - i hate him.
    Today i coudnlt take it said i was going to take my life to get away from him and asked him to leave me alone. he says he would but like always says i will do this to myself and do that. he wil come to my house and tell my dad what i did to him. he left his wife and kids for me (which i knew nothing about or their existance until his wife emailed me pics and even then he denyed it). i told him i am going to ask the police if his behaviour is correct and he goes ur not allowed.
    I dont know what to do.
    how do i get rid of him without my family ever knowing.
    i cnat take it no more
    too many years
    my head hurts
    i cant breathe he makes me need to use the bathroom thinking about him and i wish he out of my life.
    I dont know how to get out of this mess.
    I feel stupid as 30 year old educted woman controlled my this low life of a guy.
    i have only met him twice and once he came outside my house and sat in his car.
    please help me get through his - none of my friends know, i can't talk to my family.

    fez - 27/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Fez

      I am so glad you got in touch. It sounds like you have been experiencing emotional abuse, control and harassment for over 7 years. This must feel unbearable. It is so great that you have reached out for help though as you deserve to be happy and safe and the good news is there are people who can help you.

      Firstly, you are not to blame for this - you did not know he was married and over the years he groomed you to get information and to gradually control you. This is harassment and is against the law.
      If you want to you can report this to the police - they will probably ask for evidence of calls/texts to show a course of conduct but the law states that a course of conduct is 2 or more incidents which you can clearly prove. It is a good idea to keep a log of any interaction you have with him and save any messages especially threats and also how each one made you feel.

      I think it would also be a good idea to give the national stalking helpline a call as they will totally understand this form of abuse and will be able to advise you.
      http://www.stalkinghelpline.org/
      They are open to take calls Monday to Friday 9:30am – 4pm (except Wednesdays where we open at 1pm.
      0808 802 0300
      You can also email us on advice@stalkinghelpline.org

      They can tell you about your options legally and also in terms of keeping safe.

      I am also very concerned that you have thought about ending your life. I understand how you may feel there is no other option but you have coped with this for so long, now you are finally getting help so there is a wonderful future to look forward to, free from abuse.
      If you do feel suicidal though, please contact the samaritans 24 hours a day on 08457 90 90 90
      http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
      jo@samaritans.org

      I know you don't want anyone else to know about this, but it would be good if people around you can support you. You may find that they respond really well and just want to help. At the very least please do contact the helpline as it is really important you get the help you need. You do not have to be controlled by this anymore,

      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2015

  • Alan

    26/01/2015

    I'm being abused by my partner and her new partner

    Alan - 26/01/2015

    Reply
  • M

    22/01/2015

    Can it be emotional abuse if it is just a friendship? We argue all the time and have done for over a year, I don't have anyone I can talk to about it because I've had to push most of my friends away because they were the cause of loads of arguments, there's a lot of things that I'm not allowed to do and he will get angry when I want to do something that he disagrees with even though it's not his place, he insults my family a lot and me sometimes when we're arguing which means that I've also become this person that I don't like and shout back, he used to get angry over things I might want to wear or once when I wore lipstick, he would always want to see my conversations with other people and since we talk all the time I've stopped all social networking because it caused too many arguments if he saw something he didn't like. I'm not really sure what our friendship is, it doesn't really work well and neither of us are happy but it won't end, he gets very angry sometimes and smashes things or hurts himself when I told him I didn't want to do it anymore, I feel guilty for hurting him and driving him to that point but most of the things he gets angry at I don't think that he should so I get angry back and always end up backing down and apologising because that's easier even though I don't think I did anything particularly wrong. I'm not really sure if it counts as abuse since we aren't in a relationship but I don't know what I can do about it.

    M - 22/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi M
      Thank you for your message. The friendship you describe sounds really emotionally abusive. It must be very scary, upsetting and draining for you.


      It is never ok to try to control what someone wears, where they go, who they talk to etc.The way he is behaving is unacceptable and you should not feel guilty as this is not your fault. I understand how upsetting it is for you when you try to tell him you want to end the friendship and he hurts himself, but that is also a form of emotional abuse to make you stay. If he hurts himself it's not your fault or your responsibility.

      I know that he has tried to isolate you from your friends but is there anyone you can talk to? Can you tell your family what has been happening? Or maybe someone at school/college/uni/work? It is really important that other people know what is going on.

      You can call the police if you are scared on 999 and you can also call the free national helpline on 0808 2000 247. Or you can call childline (it's not just for children and they are brilliant and can listen and offer lots of advice and help you tell people if you want them to.) http://www.childline.org.uk/
      0800 1111


      Even though you are not in a relationship you deserve support as abuse is never ok no matter what the relationship.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2015

  • Sandy

    22/01/2015

    Im not sure what to do - my boyfriend has real bad mood swings and irrational thoughts about me cheating. He has gone too far in the past. Id their help for these people or should I walk away ?

    Sandy - 22/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Sandy

      I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. Mood swings and paranoia are very hard to cope with in a relationship. You say he has gone to far in the past - do you mean that he has also been physically abusive?

      Abusive men can change but they have to want to and they have to accept responsibility for their actions and the impact it has on you. There are programmes that men can go on to help them through this process and for some men they work really well but there are no guarantees.

      Only you can decide if you want to stay in the relationship but the most important thing has to be your safety and welfare.

      Respect have a helpline for abusive people to call to get help but you can also call/email for some advice - http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/
      Call freephone 0808 802 4040 Monday-Friday 9am-5pm or email
      info@respectphoneline.org.uk

      In the meantime here is some info on keeping safe:
      http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/


      Take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2015

  • L

    21/01/2015

    I don't really know where to start, I feel stupid or that I'm making a big deal out of nothing... Starting to feel like I bring it on myself. Whenever we argue he threatens me .... Says he'l get me sacked from work and kicked out of uni.... Tells me my life won't be worth living, he threatens my family, he breaks my belongings and calls me a troll and a.slut, he tells me that no1 will ever want me. Whenever he starts this I ask him to leave but he refuses, he managed to get temp acoomodation but he still refuses, last night he smacked me around the head and kicked me in the stomach. I'm not proud of myself but I snapped and went for him because he was breaking all my stuff again. I feel like he try's to control me , he cuts me off for days when we argue and its always me that goes running back, he plays mind games with me and I know I bite every time butbi cant seem to help it... I resent him when he"s here for everything he's said and done but when he's gone I just want him here ... It sounds so stupid I know.... We've argues today and I try stand up for myself and tell him to go, but he starts making me sound like I'm off my head ... But nobody understands what he's like .... All my friends think I should just leave him but its not that easy. He's gone again today so really I should be happy but I'm not.. Just feel confused and alone I don't know what to do anymore...scared of what he will do now if it really is over .he says he will ruin my life .... Again I know this prob sounds so stupid ... Just don't know what to do... Is this my fault sometimes I do think I wind him up I don't know anymore

    L - 21/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi L

      I am so glad you got in touch. You are certainly not making a big deal out of nothing. What is happening to you is very serious and I am very concerned about you.

      Your boyfriend is being physically and emotionally abusive and this is never ok and absolutely not your fault.

      I am glad that your friends know what is happening as it's important that people around you know. Can you also tell someone at work and uni (they have a duty to support you)? Or your family?

      I understand how hard it can be to leave someone and that you can still love them despite hating how they treat you, but this is a dangerous situation.
      You can always report the abuse to the police anytime, you can also call the national domestic violence helpline which is free, confidential and open 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247. They can give you advice and support. There are also local services that you can go to - I think this would be a really good idea as they can help you work out what you want to do. You can search for your nearest place here: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/azrefuges.asp?section=00010001000800060002&itemTitle=A-Z+of+services

      They will be able to support you, give you advice and help you if you decide you do want to leave him. It's hard but you can get through it and will feel so much better - you just need support to get there. They also have support groups where you can meet other people who have also experienced abuse.

      Here are some tips at staying safe while you are in the relationship: http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      Please do contact the helpline or a service and also try to tell people what is going on. It can be useful to have a code word to use if you need help so your friends know to call for help. This is very serious but you are not alone. You can also post on here again if you need to,

      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2015

  • Xxashleyxx

    21/01/2015

    Iv been going out with my boyfriend for almost a year now, I'm 18 years old and he's 20. I was really happy with my boyfriend for the first 5 months untill he started deciding who I can and can't see, or speak too. I'm not allowed on facebook anymore because he says I'm going to cheat on him and talk to other lads. He constantly texts and rings me to see what I'm doing and even makes me take pictures off where I am and who I'm with so he knows I'm not lying. He can be violent sometimes and afterwards say he only gets angry because he loves him and doesn't want to loose me, Im really unhappy at the moment I feel like I have nobody to talk too, Iv tried to reach out for help but I'm too scared my boyfriend will find out Iv been looking on this websites and get angry, please can you get back Intouch so I no somebody understands , thank you x x

    Xxashleyxx - 21/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Xxashleyxx

      Thank you for your message, it is really good that you got in touch - I understand how hard that can be, especially if you are worried that he will find out.

      Here is some info about how to cover what you have been looking at online in case he checks your computer:
      http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/hide-tracks/view/1/

      The way your boyfriend is behaving is not ok. He is being emotionally abusive and controlling as well as being physically violent and this is a dangerous relationship for you to be in, I am really concerned for you.

      It is never ok to be abusive in anyway and relationships should be based on love and respect, you deserve to be in a loving relationship and I promise you not all guys are like this.

      I hear how unhappy you are, and that is totally understandable. Remember that none of this is your fault.
      There is a lot of help out here though so you don't have to go through this alone.
      You can ring the police on 999 anytime to report this or if you are scared.
      You can also call the national domestic violence helpline - it is confidential. If you are worried about the call showing on your phone you can delete the call history on your phone after the call.
      The helpline number is 0808 2000 247. They can give you help and advice and also tell you about local services, or you can search yourself here: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/azrefuges.asp?section=00010001000800060002&itemTitle=A-Z+of+services

      I know this might feel overwhelming and scary but there is support here for you and if you want to leave the relationship it is best that other people know and can support you. Can you also try to tell people around you who can help such as friends, family, someone else at uni/college/work or your doctor? They can help keep you safe and maybe you can use their phone to call if you are worried.

      Here is some safety advice:

      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/
      and
      http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      Please get the support you deserve, you have been so brave reaching out on here, see this as the first step in your journey to being safe and happy,

      take care and come back here any time if you want to talk more
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2015

  • Nathan

    19/01/2015

    My friend is seperated and has 2 boys. She has told me that while she was with him he was both physically and verbally abusive. The boys still visit their dad and she has told me that they are often upset after seeing him because of things he has said. He is being emotionally abusive and manipulating to the children. He continues to be verbally agressive with every contact she has with him.
    I have offered support as much as I can but need more advice to pass on to her. I feel that the only way it will stop is to remove all contact with him for her and the boys. She kind of agrees but doesn't know where to start.
    Please help. Thanks

    Nathan - 19/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Nathan

      It is great that your friend has you to support her.

      Unfortunately abuse often continues on contact visits. It can be a way for the abuser to further abuse and control their ex-partner and can be very scary for the children.

      Was contact something they arranged privately or were the courts involved? I think she needs to get some legal advice about her options. There is such a thing as supervised contact where she would not have to see him and someone else such as a social worker would supervise the contact he has. Assessments can also be done to look at what is in the best interests of the children.

      She can contact Rights of Women for free legal advice:
      http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

      For women in England and Wales
      Call 020 7251 6577
      Monday 7-9pm, Tuesday 7-9pm, Wednesday 7-9pm, Thursday 7-9pm, Friday 12-2pm
      For women in London
      Call 020 7608 1137
      Monday 11am-1pm, Tuesday 2-4pm, Wednesday 2-4pm

      The Children’s legal centre can also offer advice:
      http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/index.php?page=the_child_law_advice_line
      0808 802 0008 - from 8am to 8pm, Monday to Friday

      And this is the national association of child contact centres:
      http://www.naccc.org.uk/

      There are also some really good leaflets here about contact, domestic violence and keeping children safe:
      http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/leaflets-resources/leaflets-for-adults.aspx

      The safety and well-being of your friend and her children is the most important thing and it is important she gets support and lets people know about the past abuse and the current abuse during contact so that they get the support they need.

      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2015

  • Charlotte

    19/01/2015

    I think I'm being emotionally abused

    Charlotte - 19/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Charlotte
      I am really sorry to hear this. Emotional abuse is very serious.
      There is a checklist here that may help you identify what is happening: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse

      There are lots of ways that someone can emotionally abuse us, some common ones are:

      Checking your phone/social networks
      Controlling where you go and who you see
      Telling you what to wear
      Criticising or putting you down
      Threatening us or people close to you
      Checking up on you all the time

      One researcher described it like this:
      'The perpetrator creates a world in which the victim is constantly monitored and criticised; every move is checked against an unpredictable, ever-changing, unknowable ‘rule-book’.

      If this is happening to you, it is important to get help. Can you tell people around you what is going on?
      You can always call the police and you can contact the national domestic violence helpline anytime on 0808 2000 247 for help and advice.

      Let us know if you need any more info or support,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2015

  • T

    16/01/2015

    I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now, at first things were good between us now it feels like things are going from bad to worse. We are always having arguments about the most ridiculous things, he accuses me of cheating on him, when in fact I recently found out that he had cheated on me. When we argue he calls me names, insults my family and makes me feel worthless. I feel like I am spending my life trying to please him and do nice things for him however nothing is ever good enough for him and he makes that known. He constantly makes me feel bad and calls me selfish for wanting to better myself by doing a university degree and the fact that I'm working to save up for that. He complains that I put my job,family and friends before him, when the truth is I rarely see friends and hardly ever do anything with family as I am always staying with him. If I ever go out and see friends or family I feel as though I have to lie about it as it will only cause an argument. As its obvious he doesn't like me spending time with anyone else but him and his family. I feel as though everything is on his terms and that its okay for him to see family,friends and to try and better himself with work but its not okay in his eyes for me. He also makes me feel bad about having sex before being in a relationship with him, when he wasn't a virgin when we got together either and has a child from a previous relationship. I love him but I am tired of being made to feel worthless and being called names, when I am with him I feel like I can't be myself, he considers me talking to other guys flirting, he thinks I flirt with people at work and he thinks I flirt with people by text so I am scared to get my phone out around him even though I know I am not doing anything, I constantly try to reassure him that I'm not doing anything wrong but he just wont believe me. Not quite sure what to do anymore and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone, as they would just tell me to get rid and judge me.

    T - 16/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi T

      It sounds like your boyfriend is being emotionally abusive and controlling. It is not ok for him to accuse you of things, call you names, make you feel worthless and control who you see and talk to. None of these things should be happening in a relationship.

      You say things have been getting worse over the last few months, unfortunately it is unlikely to get better unless he accepts responsibility for his behaviour and wants to change. You deserve to be in a respectful, trusting and happy relationship.

      I think it is brilliant that you are working to save to go to Uni - you should be proud of that and it shows you have a brilliant future to look forward to. In this current situation, how would it be if you were to go to Uni, it would be awful for that amazing experience to be ruined because he was controlling what you do.

      Only you can decide what to do and if you want to leave him, but I am concerned about you. I know you are worried about telling people and what they will say, but they may surprise you. It can really help to talk and to have people knowing what is going on as it can keep you safe if you need help.

      If you do decide to leave him, it is important to do so safely and having other people know what you are planning can help. It would be best not to tell him in person, or at least not on your own. You may also have to think about changing your phone number/online passwords etc and plan what to do if you see him out.
      Here are some tips:
      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/

      http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 27/01/2015

  • Sheila

    16/01/2015

    I've been in a relationship for over 2 years now with my boyfriend. At first he was perfect with me, he treated me so good. Then we started having problems and it all went downhill. The way he talked to me got worse and worse. I was always a slag or a bitch. He tells me He gets angry and says things but never means it. Recently I had. Miscarriage and lost our baby and he was there for ma at the hospital once, but I've never been emotionally supported especially because I had no one to talk to about it. He doesn't like my friends so I can't really talk to them and Everytime I try to talk to him about it he would cut the conversation. I started getting worse, I was crying every night to sleep, he'll call me names and put me down almost every night. Sometimes I almost felt suicidal cause of how he makes me feel about myself. I don't know what to do cause I can't leave him but I'm so miserable with myself and my life most of the time when he puts me down and tells me to do one or die or calls me all the names you can think of

    Sheila - 16/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Sheila
      I am so glad you got in touch. It sounds like your boyfriend is being very emotionally abusive. Calling you awful names and putting you down is not acceptable and being angry is absolutely no excuse (although something abusers will commonly use as an excuse and a way to blame the other person).

      You have done nothing wrong and it must be so upsetting for you.
      I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. That is a devastating experience and you deserve and need love and support.
      If you talk to your doctor you should be able to get some counselling if you feel that would help.
      The miscarriage association are also brilliant and offer lots of advice and support. You can ring them on 01924 200799 (Mon-Fri 9am to 4pm) or email them - info@miscarriageassociation.org.uk.

      They also have a support network of people who have also had a miscarriage and are now able to offer support to others. Details are on their website: http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/support/how-we-can-help/

      I am really concerned that you feel suicidal sometimes. If you do feel like this, please contact the Samaritans:
      24 hours a day on 08457 90 90 90
      http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
      jo@samaritans.org

      You can also call the national domestic violence helpline 24 hours a day for confidential advice on 0808 2000 247.

      It is your choice whether to stay or leave the relationship but they can offer advice no matter what your decision. You deserve to be in a loving and supportive relationship and not all men are abusive. If you do choose to leave they can help you and give you safety advice.

      Here is some advice for staying safe:
      http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      Remember you are not alone with this, lots of people can help you.
      I hope this helps,take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 23/01/2015

  • Angie

    15/01/2015

    It happend 6 months ago and I haven't been the same since. I was very drunk and I know that I shouldn't have been. I see him everywhere I go and it makes me so anxious constantly it's really had to cope, I get so scared whilst walking home and it makes me so panicky and I feel like I'm going mad. I want someone to talk to about it but I can't find someone without the police being involved or my family knowing, I don't know what I would do if my mum or dad knew, having to explain everything to them would be awful but I really need someone.

    Angie - 15/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Angie

      I am so glad you got in touch. It sounds like you have been through something very traumatic. I am guessing from what you have said that you are talking about sexual assault or rape?

      If so, the fact that you were drunk does not make this your fault in anyway. If you are drunk you are legally not able to consent anyway.

      Any form of sexual abuse is hugely traumatic and can have all sorts of impacts on us. Feeling scared and panicky is normal given what you have been through and that must be even harder if you see him a lot.

      The first thing to do is make sure you are safe if you do see him. I understand that you don't want to tell your family but have you been able to talk to any friends who can support you?

      In terms of talking to someone and recovering from this, the best people to talk to are 'rape crisis'. They are lovely and will be able to listen and support you. You can speak to them confidentially and they won't make you tell the police.

      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline - 0808 802 9999
      from: 12 - 2.30pm and 7 - 9.30pm

      You can also search for your local rape crisis centre by putting in your postcode here - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

      I really hope this helps.
      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 20/01/2015

  • John

    15/01/2015

    Hello

    My friend is currently going through a time with her boyfriend as shes explained it to me she doesnt want to be in a relationship with him and currently is feels forced to be in one. Shes tried several times to break up with him but it hasnt worked - he keeps shouting at her and as far as im aware no harm has been done.
    Theyre both in uni and live together(with others) he has been verbally insulting her and threatening her 'by ruining her uni life' he has taken her phone now too and is pretty much on to her 24/7
    i cant contact her in any way possible as hes told her to as he would 'f**k me up'. i used to be with this girl but weve always kept close contact as were very close friends and with her family.
    shes terrified and i have no idea how hes managed to have so much power over her.

    I feel like i need to get down there but i think ill make things worse - i just want to know shes at least constantly safe and sound the very least...

    i managed to get her friend to contact her as the middle man and shes told me that shes still a mess and doesnt know what to do...


    any suggestions ?

    John - 15/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi John

      Firstly I am very glad you got in touch and also really pleased that your friend has your support as that is really important.

      It does sound very concerning, he is being emotionally abusive and controlling. He is also trying to isolate her from people who can help.

      It is good that your other friend was able to get in touch with her. You say they live with other people - are you or your friend able to get in touch with them to share your concerns? I am sure they will have noticed what is going on to some extent but may also not know what to do for the best.

      There will be people at her uni who can also help - for instance pastoral care, student support etc. It is important that people know what is happening as this will help keep her safe.

      One of you can ring the national domestic violence helpline to get advice on 0808 2000 247. The police can also help.

      This leaflet also gives advice about how to help friends. Having a code word to say if they are in trouble is a good tip.
      http://www.avaproject.org.uk/media/54339/mates%20ava%20final.pdf

      And here is some safety advice for her:
      http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      She clearly wants to leave the relationship but will need support to do so safely, especially if they live together - that makes it even more important for the uni to be involved as they can help with that.

      The NUS has a women's officer who is lovely and knows all about supporting students affected by abuse so she may be able to help or at least tell you who to speak to at the uni:
      http://www.nus.org.uk/en/who-we-are/how-we-work/women/

      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/01/2015

  • Sheila

    15/01/2015

    I want somebody to call my partner and speak to him because he prevents me from meeting or talking to my family and friends. According to him, I am only for him and no one else. How can I get a helpline to counsel him?

    Sheila - 15/01/2015

    Reply
    • hi Sheila

      You are right to be concerned, controlling who you are allowed to see is emotional abuse and it is not ok.


      The best people for him to speak to would be the respect phoneline but he would need to contact them.

      You can also call them to get advice though which may be good to do first so that you are safe. It may not be safe for you to ask him to call them so get advice from respect first -
      http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/
      Call freephone 0808 802 4040 Monday-Friday 9am-5pm or email
      info@respectphoneline.org.uk

      He is the only one who can make the change and take responsibility for his behaviour. It is not up to you to change him. Your wellbeing and safety are the most important things.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/01/2015

  • Dayna

    13/01/2015

    I have been friends with this boy for roughly 5 years. We weren't exactly "close" as he was "popular" and I wasnt. But we spoke every now and then. Once we both had left school, he asked to meet me and see if I wanted to go to the cinema.. I agreed and we did met. However, it didn't turn out the way it had planned for me. I was being pressured into giving oral sex.. I said no and explained how it wouldn't be right.. I went there with the intention of just becoming good friends and getting to know eachother more. In the end o felt forced into doing something I hadnt wanted to do. Is this abuse?

    Dayna - 13/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi Dayna

      I am sorry to hear about what happened. This is definitely abusive. If he forced you to give him oral sex then this is actually rape.

      I am not sure when this happened, but whether it was yesterday or years ago you are entitled to support and help. You can report it to the police if you want to - that is your choice. Even if you don't want to do that, you can get support from rape crisis who can listen and help you. They can also tell you about local services if you want more help:
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline
      0808 802 9999
      12 - 2.30pm
      7 - 9.30pm


      What happened was not your fault. Abuse of any kind can really affect us so it is important to get support.
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/01/2015

  • J

    12/01/2015

    I've been in my relationship for 1 year and 5 months, it's my first relationship and I'm 18. The past 7 months he's gotten very physical towards me, we argue and he blames it all on me and that it's my fault. He will pin me down, head but me, punch my head and various parts of my body, he's lent against my neck so hard I've struggled to breathe, he calls me horrible names then brings my family into the situation. I'm not allowed to wear certain clothes, I can't go out with certain friends let alone go out at all. I still have some faith in this relationship though, I feel like he will grow out of this. It's happened about 10 times in these 7 months, all blamed on me after. I have to lie for him all the time, he makes me feel worthless compared to other girls, I feel like I have to be perfect for him and I can't do or say anything otherwise he will hurt me. Someone moves their arms now in front of me and I flinch or jump back because I feel they're going to hurt me. I know it's not right and I know I should probably get out of This relationship but it seems normal and a part of me really wants to stay with him still, I just don't know what to do

    J - 12/01/2015

    Reply
    • Hi J

      I am really glad you got in touch - I know how hard it can be to tell someone what is going on.

      I don't want to scare or upset you but what you are describing is very serious abuse. I am concerned for your welfare. He is using high levels of physical violence as well as controlling you and isolating you from your friends.

      I want you to understand that this is not your fault in anyway. You do not have to be perfect - no one is, and he should not expect that. Abuse in relationships is not normal.

      I am concerned for your safety and I want you to try to tell people what has been going on - do you feel able to tell your family? Or someone at college/work/your doctor? It is really important that other people know what is happening. It will help you to talk and it will keep you safer.

      You can also call the police at any time on 999 and you can call the free confidential national domestic violence helpline anytime on 0808 2000 247. They can listen and support you, talk you through your options and tell you about local services. You can also search for your local support service using your postcode here: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/azrefuges.asp?section=00010001000800060002&itemTitle=A-Z+of+services

      This is some important information about keeping safe:

      http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

      I know that part of you wants to stay in the relationship, and only you can make that choice, however the abuse is very serious and unfortunately that is only likely to get worse rather than better. If you do decide to leave, it is important to do so safely (see advice in link above) and do not do it on your own with him. You may also need to change your phone number and not go out alone where he may be.

      I know this sounds scary and overwhelming but you have done the right thing by telling us. Please take the next step and tell other people around you. It's so hard as it's your first relationship but I promise you that most relationships are not abusive. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

      you can come back here anytime to talk more too,

      I really hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/01/2015

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