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This is ABUSE

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Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

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Results: 270 - 285 of 2116

  • Lauren

    20/02/2014

    I have been in an abusive relationship for a year, I feel as though I have done something to him to make him act the way how he does around me. He makes me feel so special and important at times then tells me hes going to change but he doesn't but I believe him and give him a second chance its hard to tell him to stop and saying no is even harder. ive told my friend and she has refured me to this site, due to understanding what I am going through. I cry a lot at night and I can not stop thinking about him, Im iin love with him and he clams hes in love with me but it doesn't feel that way when hes hitting me, I care for him a lot and wouldn't want anything to happen to him, im just scared that if I tell the police he will come after me again. I don't know what to do because of being scared of telling anyone it took me a few weeks to get in touch. I just want to know what do I do about this..:'(

    Lauren - 20/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lauren,
      Thank you for finding the courage to send us a message. Being in an abusive relationship is scary and also very confusing, we can often blame ourselves and think that it is something that we have done as our way to try and understand why our abusers are treating us this way. Perpetrators can be very cruel to us but they can also be very kind as you have mentioned there were times you felt so special, this is to give us hope that one day things we go back to the good times and our abusers will change and really mean it. However this is unlikely to happen and the abuse will continue and often become worse.
      It is so reassuring to know that you have a good friend who has supported you. I understand that you are scared of reporting the abuse and are worrying about what will happen to your partner but you must think of your own safety. There are services which can give you advice and support and also inform you of what options you have. I would suggest you contact www.womensaid.org.uk or contact them on the 24hour freephone number 0808 2000 247.
      We also have live chat sessions which are available Mon-Fri 5-7pm if you wanted to chat.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 22/02/2014

  • Charlotte

    20/02/2014

    I think my best friend is abusing me but not in a sexual way. She stops me from doing my homework, tells me to bully people and bunk off. I really want to stay her friend, What do I do? I have tried talking to her but she tells me to F off and shouts at me. But then after we've had an arguement she rings me up crying saying she wants to be my friend. She is nice when she wants to be. I also couldn't ignore or avoid her she walks the same way home as me, has the same classes, has added me as a friend on nearly everything social. Please help?

    Charlotte - 20/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Charlotte,
      Thank you for your message. I’m sad to hear that you’re having a tough time at the minute. Your friend sounds very controlling and is making you do things to hurt others and get you into trouble.
      Is there anyone else you could start to hang around with? Some schools have Peer Mentors who can offer support but if your school doesn’t have these then would you be able to speak to a teacher or learning mentor? If not I would suggest you contact you local Anti Bullying Service or www.beatbullying.org.uk
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 20/02/2014

  • Faye

    20/02/2014

    I don't know whether I am in an abusive relationship or not. I am so in love with him and I know he loves me too, but sometimes he makes me feel so worthless that it makes me forget about the times he makes me happy. He is controlling about what I do and where I go a lot of the time but then I feel like I am a bit controlling too just because I care about him. I hate the way he gets angry and I do get scared of him, he has never hit me but when he hits things around him or me when he is angry I get so scared that he will hit me. I do cry a lot, every day actually and that makes him more angry but I'm such an emotional person that sometimes even the way he speaks to me can make me cry. The thing is, he can make me the happiest girl in the world but also makes me feel the worst ugliest most horrible girl in the world too and I don't know how he does it. Yeah the majority of the time we have sex when I want it but there are times when he's pushy and a little bit forceful but I don't think anything of it. I don't really know what else to say apart from the fact I'm confused because I can't even describe the feeling when he makes me sad I even sometimes feel like life isn't worth living and I know that isn't right to feel like that in a relationship but I love him honestly so much and just want things to work but when I try and speak to him he can't take it seriously :(

    Faye - 20/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Faye,
      Thank you for getting in touch. It sounds like your having a really hard time in your relationship at the minute. It can be really difficult to understand the behaviour of someone who we love. I know you said that you have never been physically hurt but abuse does not always have to be physical. Your boyfriends behaviour is emotionally abusive and by him hitting things around you is a way to intimidate you and make you scared of him, very similar to the way a bully acts.
      It is important that you remember even in the best relationships people can say no to sex and our partners should understand and respect our wishes. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel respected, loved and safe in expressing your feelings and have these taking seriously. This is a healthy relationship.
      I know you have tried to speak to your boyfriend in the past but is there anyone else you could talk to, a friend or family member? I would suggest you contact www.womensaid.org for more information they can also give you advice and support.
      We also have our live chat sessions Mon-Fri 5-7pmif you wanted to talk more.
      Take car
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 20/02/2014

  • April

    20/02/2014

    Hey, ive been with my boyfriend for about nearly a year now and basically he puts me down alot he calls it 'banter' but i have explained that it hurts me and he calls it banter i should not take it to heart but some things i do. He also has tried telling me before that im better off without a certain group of friends and tried to turn me against my best friend. Whenever we have a argument aswell he never admits his in the wrong and then makes me feel bad by calling me names and i dont call him anything bad. Also when i let him down once or twice he goes mad yet always lets seeing me down, and im not to sure what to do about my relationship so i need some advice thankyou' x

    April - 20/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi April,
      Thanks for you message. The fact that you have been with your partner almost a year should mean that you can be honest about your feelings and for him to be able to understand and respect these. However this does not sound like this is what is happening in your relationship. Just because you are with someone does not mean that you should stop seeing your friends regardless of what your boyfriend’s opinion is of these people. Having relationship with your friends and family is equally as important as the relationship you have with your boyfriend.
      In a healthy relationship we should be able to express our feelings even if this is hard for the other person to hear but part of sharing these is for the other person to take on board what is being said and try to make changes of possible.
      I would recommend you contact www.womensaid.org.uk where you will find more information on emotional and verbal abuse. You can also contact them on their freephone number 0808 2000 247.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 20/02/2014

  • April

    19/02/2014

    I have been on and off with this guy for over a year. The first 6 months we were in an official relationship. At this time it wasn't too bad. We worked together at the time and this is where trouble began. He would treat me different to the rest of the staff, he would get me to do more jobs, be more hard on me, and would go against my wishes. It progressed to him saying things that made me uncomfortable all the time. When he was drunk he was at his worst, he would become violent. I eventually ended the relationship and he made life at work even more difficult. A few months later I met someone else. He was everything I could ever wish for. We didn't get as far as an official relationship because of one night. I was at a birthday party and my ex was there. I was already really drunk before I arrived at the party but I proceeded to drink. The last thing I remember was my ex getting into a taxi back to my flat. The next thing I remember is him I too of me, having sex with me, quite violently and no idea what to do or say. I just lay there, let him carry on until he was done. I realised what had happened and cried for 2 hours until I fell asleep. All I could think is what this other guy would think of me and was it my fault? I still think this now. Someone who knew this other guy saw me go home with my ex and told him before I could explain. He said I cheated and I agreed because I really didn't know what else to say. It wasn't till recently I told this guy the truth but I left it that long he doesn't believe me. After this had happened this is when I changed. It was like I was under his power. Whenever he said he was coming round I would just accept and let him do what ever. Many a time I have cried after sex with my ex. I have tried to stop him coming but he always seems to win and I can't say no. Just this weekend he took my keys when I was at work. He went back to his own house and I was left locked outside my flat in the cold. I told his brother, he found them and dropped them over for me. I told myself and my parents that it was it this time but what if it isn't? I feel so trapped and all I want is to be confident again and move on.

    April - 19/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi April,
      Thank you for being so brave and getting in touch. I’m sorry to hear about what is happening to you but please believe this NONE of this is your fault. You said that first time that this happened you were drunk our law states that if a person is drunk they are unable to give their consent. He is also forcing you into having sex which is illegal and he should be held accountable for his actions. Your ex-partner has an enormous amount of control over you and this is evident in him locking you out of your own home.
      Have you spoken to anyone about this? I would strongly recommend that you speak out to someone about what is happening to you. There are a number of services such as www.rapecrisis.org.uk ,their helpline number is 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9.30pm) or www.womensaid.org.uk , 0808 2000 247 which can offer you advice and support.
      We offer live chat sessions if you would like to come and speak to us Mon-Fri 5-7pm.
      Stay safe
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 20/02/2014

  • Jayne

    19/02/2014

    I came out of an abusive relationship about 3 months ago and I am still finding it hard to trust people and let them in and struggle to cope with physical contact with people I don't know. It's effecting my life as I am struggling to get my life back on track any help will be very much appreciated.

    Jayne - 19/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jayne,

      Thank you for your message.
      Domestic abuse can have a devastating impact ion a person’s life and can still affect hem when they have left their abuser and the abuse has stopped.. Many victims struggle to start over again and find it difficult to begin to trust and allow others to get to know us.
      I would recommend you contact your local domestic abuse service who can offer you support to help you move forward. You can also contact www.womensaid.org.uk or call them on their freephone number 0808 2000 247 (24hours).
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 20/02/2014

  • Sarah

    19/02/2014

    Two months back my friend had a party, i got a little tipsy and went for a lie down, this boy came in and started touching me up and down he tried to put his hand down my leggings, i told him to stop 2 or 3 times but he wouldn't. He only stopped when someone came in. Is this sexual assult? also i couldn't get an std or anything like that can i?

    Sarah - 19/02/2014

    Reply
  • paige

    19/02/2014

    this boy ive been talking to this boy for a LONG time and he made me send him pictures and if i didnt he would get really angry and not talk to me for days so i kept sending them to him. he saved them onto his phone and we fell out. he has been sending these pictures to everyone and is now will not stop calling me and being horrible to me and i dont know what to do anymore my friends tell me what he is doing is wrong but its my fault as i send them to him what do i do:(

    paige - 19/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Paige,
      Thank you for your message. I can hear how upsetting this is for you. You felt pressured into sending pictures to a person you thought you could trust and now he has used those pictures to hurt you. This is abuse and it is not ok and it is not your fault. You are not coping alone with this anymore.
      I don’t know how old you are, but do you have anyone you could talk to about this? Family or a teacher? This won’t go away on its own and you may need some support. You might want to look here for more information on what you can do to get help in this situation. You have been brave to cope alone with this so far without the support of your friends.
      http://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/OnlineSafety/Pages/Sexting.aspx

      We have a live chat from 5-7 on the site and you can speak to someone if you feel you like to discuss this more.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 21/02/2014

  • Milly

    19/02/2014

    I was in an abusive relationship when I was at school. He was 23. He started by changing the way I dressed and controlling who I spoke to. I wasn't allowed makeup if he wasn't with me. He cemented his control by forcing me to engage in sexual activity I was not ready for and didn't want. He also raped me. I was only with him for 7 months, which shows how quickly this type of thing can happen. After I managed to break free of him, he stalked me for years - the last time he tried to find me, it was 10 years after I escaped him. I am still scared of him and I am now in my 30s. I have seen the 'thisisabuse' campaign and it has brought things back to me - but it is so important that young women recognise abusive behaviour and get help as soon as they can. I wish this had been around when I was at school...

    Milly - 19/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Milly,
      Thank you so much for sharing your story with people reading the site. You went through something very traumatic as teenager and I can hear how much this has affected you. What happened to you was abuse and rape and both are serious crimes. You have been really strong to post here.
      You say you are still frightened and it’s not surprising. You went through a lot over a very long period of time and this will have an effect on a person. Have you had any support for what you went through? If you have not had anyone to talk to about this I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis. They are confidential helpline and who work with women and girls who have experienced sexual violence. They will be able to talk with you about your experience and how this may be affecting you. You can reach them on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9:30pm).
      Thank you again for sharing your story and your comments on the campaign, we really appreciate it.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 21/02/2014

  • anonymous

    19/02/2014

    Hi,
    This is the first time I have spoken about this, I have been married for nearly 5 years with 2 children. It has only been in the past 2 years that my husbands behavior has changed dramatically although looking back he has always been controlling. I have no friends as he didn't like them and would mock them, I'm made to feel guilty about going out without him even if its just to the cinema with family. He can fall into a foul mood where he ignores me and the kids for sometimes a couple of weeks over something trivial, but will be happy and charming to others. He seems to be jealous of my close (motherly) relationship with the kids, and he tends to favor the youngest letting her get away with murder whereas the other can hardly breathe (they are both his). He has accused me in the past of cheating and I had to give up working because he made me feel bad about it. He will call me from work to see what I'm doing and if for some reason I don't pick, (i'm not hooked to my phone like him), he will call my mum to see where I am. I feel incredibly trapped and sometimes suffer from mild panic attacks, I don't leave the kids with him anymore, as once or twice he has lost his temper and thrown something. We hardly have a physical relationship as I can't think of him like that and only consent to keep the peace. Is it just me, please give me some advice

    anonymous - 19/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Anonymous,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear just how much you are going through at the moment and how isolated you are in your situation. It takes a lot of strength to share what is happening and ask for support. You have done that here, you don’t have to cope with this alone.

      You mention a lot of things in your message that are really concerning. Your partner is being abusive, both emotionally and physically and trying to make you feel like it is your fault. What is happening is not your fault, your partner is choosing to act in the way that he does. You also say you don’t feel that you are able to leave the children with him as you feel that his temper means he is unsafe to stay alone with them, that too is concerning and shows that you are aware that his behaviour is not ok and is potentially dangerous.

      You have given up a lot to try to appease your husband and his controlling behaviour is getting worse by the sounds of what you write. You also say you are having panic attacks. Have you spoken to anyone about this – you are obviously suffering a great deal and you deserve some support. This might be something to discuss with your GP. It sounds like you are not feeling very safe in your relationship and I’m wondering how this is impacting on your health and your children? You have been very strong to cope so far with this abuse, but you may need to speak to someone about it.
      Have you discussed what is happening with anyone, family, friends or anyone else in your life? If you don’t feel you can talk about it with anyone you know you can call the 24 hour domestic violence helpline - you can reach them on 0800 2000 247. You can discuss with them your feelings and get advice that can help you decide what to do next. You can also look on this website www.womensaid.org.uk for support in your area. You say you are consenting to sex only to keep the peace at home. That means that your consent is not really meaningful as you are having sex because you are frightened what will happen if you don’t. If you want to talk about this you can call Rape Crisis. They are confidential helpline and who work with women and girls who have experienced sexual violence. They will be able to talk with you about your experience and how this is affecting you, and what help is available to you to assist in your recovery. You can reach them on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9:30pm).
      We have a live chat from 5-7 on the site and you can speak to someone if you feel you like to discuss this more.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 21/02/2014

  • Anita

    19/02/2014

    I have been with my boyfriend for a year pretty much. At first i thought it was just him being moody and impatient, but now after so long i have realised what he is like. What's worse is that he always wins me back. He always goes off on a random mood and then ignores me, never helps me or cares for me. If i annoyed him just a little bit he starts insulting me, swearing at me and makes me feel like i am nothing to him. He has never hit me but his anger frightens me and has left me so scared of him. I am not the perfect gf either i have started arguments for no reason and ranted, but i dont think i ever deserved so much insults. He always comments on what i wear and whenever he is angry he says i am fat, ugly, spotty, black and then swears. Whenever i go out somewhere whether its with friends or family he still gets moody at me and starts being blunt and doesn't try with me. I have no idea what to do anymore because in the end i just get hurt all the time.

    Anita - 19/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Anita

      Thanks for your message. It sounds like your boyfriend is being emotionally abusive and controlling. Even if he has not hit you, emotional abuse and the fear it create can be just as serious and concerning. This is unacceptable and must be very upsetting.

      Does anyone else know what has been happening? It will help to talk about it and will help to keep you safe. You need to decide if you want to be in a relationship with him still. I know it's a hard decision but you deserve love and respect and not all guys will treat you like this.

      We have a live chat session every mon-fri between 5-7pm if you want to talk to us more. There is some useful info here as well - http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 20/02/2014

  • Beata

    19/02/2014

    Hi,

    I don't know what to do, I have enough of my husband and all this situation.
    We have 3 years old boy I worry about him, he should be witness of if all.
    We can't talk anymore, the only way of communication is arguing. My husband is shouting at me all the time and swearing in the front of our son.
    We live in council house, we both working, my husband for National Minimum Wage, I am doing apprenticeship for Apprentice Minimum Wage.
    I have asked my husband few times to move away, he refused saying he can't save the money because he need to pay bills at current house. Unfortunately, that's true. I can't afford to live on my own, because of financial reason.

    For example, today on the morning; I ask my husband to help me dress up my son, he is going to the nursery ( we get help from tax credits). My son as every morning wasn't happy about early waking up, and has been moody. My husband start to dress him up in very bad way, shacking him etc. I shouted What you doing idiot? Then he hit me,( not strong but anyway) and start shouting never call me idiot you bitch etc. He was shouting my son was scared.
    I don't know what to do, my it's normal in some familes but I don't like it. Want to be safe with my son. I love him a lot he is everything for me.
    I want us to be happy, away of my husband.
    What I can do how I can help myself?

    Beata - 19/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Beata
      I am really glad you got in touch. It sounds like things are really hard at home. The important thing is the safety of you and your son, the good news is there is help out there for you.

      In terms of the financial issues, this is a really useful leaflet - http://refuge.org.uk/cms_content_refuge/attachments/You%20can%20afford%20to%20leave%20(web).pdf

      You can also contact a free legal helpline for advice about all of these issues. It is run by a brilliant team of female lawyers who are experts in domestic violence and family law: http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php
      020 7251 6577 on Mondays 7pm-9pm, Tuesdays 7pm-9pm, Wednesday 7pm-9pm, Thursday 7pm-9pm and Fridays 12noon-2pm

      There will also be local support services - you can ring the national helpline on 0800 2000 247 or google the area where you live and 'domestic violence support services' to find out where they are.

      I hope this helps, you can always come to our live chat if you want to talk more - mon-fri between 5-7pm.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 20/02/2014

  • Alice

    18/02/2014

    My boyfriend of three years sometimes blocks me out for his friends, when we're with them he'll be horrible to me or turn his back to me. He sometimes flirts with other girls then makes me feel bad about it by shouting at me and bringing up things from the past to make me shut up. He checks my phone from time to time and makes me feel paranoid. He argues with me over little things and makes me feel like he is going to break up with me if I say something to him that upsets me. Is this abuse?

    Alice - 18/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Alice
      Yes, it does sound like your boyfriend is being quite controlling and emotionally abusive. It must be really hard for you.
      Does anyone else know what has been happening? it is important to tell people as it will help you to talk about it and can also keep you safe.
      There is some info here that may help: http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/

      We also have a live chat here every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk to us more?

      You do not have to go through this alone,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 19/02/2014

  • Ellie

    18/02/2014

    Hey,
    I was with this lad for nearly 2 years, we had are up times and our down times which were pretty bad no gonna lie. We were so close, inseparable and did everything together, we did lose friends because we were so close which is a regret but we have the most amazing memories and picture perfect memories. Expect he wasn't very nice. In fact he is quite nasty, we controlled who I went out with and when and I couldn't really have any 'lad' friends expect it was fine for him to have multiple 'girl' friends, which when you asked anything out he would get really defeatable of them. The thought of him cheating did come across my mind and so I did ask and he ofcourse he said no and ot completely mad and flipped. Anyways I would be chosen over his 'girl' friends time after time! He'd check texts, make me feel as if I was to blame for everything, and in around November we split up because there was someone else. I was distort because I was head over heels in love with him. Anyway stupidly enough we got back together not long afterwards for about 2 weeks and there was sexual abuse once that time, which I don't think he meant, then it was called off again and I walked away. Recently he came back again and I gave him a chance, I told him to prove his love as such and he did and he had Valentines day planned and the night before he said to just to be friends. He'd lead me on all that time, while meeting up with all 'girl' friends and stuff. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much when I walk anyway and his around I can feel his stare and may other people have noticed it. I spoke to him today and ask whether it was time when I was shopping and he said it was, then told me to leave him alone and not to speak to him because he wanted to move on and now is saying he loves me and I'm everything to him? Simply I don't have a clue what to do, how do I move on.

    Ellie - 18/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ellie,
      Thank you for your message. It sounds as though this person has had a lot of control over you from the start of your relationship. He should have trusted you and felt secure enough to be happy that you had friends regardless if they were male or female. It also seems as though he has double standards that allows him to do the opposite of what he expects from you like having friends of the opposite sex.
      It sounds as though he doesn’t really know what he wants as he keeps changing his mind if he wants to be with you or not, this could also be a way of him keeping you hanging around. I understand that you love this person and that you will have shared some really happy times together. However you deserve to be in a healthy relationship where you feel unconditional love and are able to be friends and make decisions with whom or when you chose.
      It will take time for you to move on if this is what you really want. Why not start looking at what you want and putting yourself first. You could get in contact with old friends; find ways to fill in your free time like a hobby or something that benefits you. I would also suggest that you also speak to someone who can give advice and support on the abuse you have experienced, you could contact www.womensaid.org.uk or call them on 0808 2000 247.
      We also have live chat sessions which are available Mon-Fri 5-7pm.
      Stay strong and take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 19/02/2014

  • Chantelle

    18/02/2014

    I have spotted signs of my friend in an abusive relationship i have tried talking to her but she just blames her self all the time saying its her fault why her partener says horrible thing but teres also other signs of abuse i dont know what to do she wont listen to anyone

    Chantelle - 18/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Chantelle,
      Thank you for getting in touch. You sound like a very good friend who is being very supportive. It is very common for people who are experiencing domestic abuse to blame themselves they can sometimes feel that they are the ones who need to change rather than their abusers.
      I know that you have tried speaking with your friend and it is really important that you continue offering her your support even if you start to feel frustrated or angry about what is happening. There are services available that can offer advice and support I would suggest your friend contacts www.womensaid.org.uk or contact them on their freephone number 0808 2000 247.
      You or your friend can also visit our live chat sessions Mon-Fri 5-7pm.
      Keep offering support and take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 19/02/2014

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