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This is ABUSE

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HAVE YOUR SAY

Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board where you can talk to a trained advisor.

Have a read through the discussion boards, the chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.

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TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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An expert from Young People’s Services – AVA – is reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 225 - 240 of 2149

  • Katie

    09/03/2014

    So last summer I met this guy, he was my age and a friend of friends. We really close over summer and would meet up etc. I soon met all his main mates and he met mine, they seemed alright. Then stuff happened on snapchat. I regret it now but know he hasn't still got them because I have seen his phone.
    We carried on talking for a while but then he would be distant. We stopped talking and now he only talks to me when he wants photos or to meet my friends. I don't snapchat him anymore and don't go see him but if I see him around its hard, I put my head down and walk away. I have no self confidence and I find it really hard to talk to people now. I can't help but block people out I always have my wall up cause of him. he used me for photos and would sweet talk me and use stuff I told him against me to try and get them. I just feel lost within who I am and don't see me having much of a future. I just wondered is this abuse?

    Katie - 09/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Katie

      Thank you for your message. That does sound like an abusive situation where he was manipulating you to get the photos and if you did not want to would then use things you had told him to get you to do what he wanted. This is abusive and not ok. If you are under 18 it is also illegal to have those images.

      Have you told anyone about what happened?
      I think it is best to block him online and to not give in to any of his requests for photos or to meet up.
      There is some info and advice on these sites that might help:

      http://www.childline.org.uk/explore/onlinesafety/pages/sexting.aspx

      http://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/14_plus/Need-advice/

      I understand that you now feel lost and have lost your confidence. That is normal after what you have been through. It will really help to talk things through with someone, maybe someone at school that you trust? Or you can also call childline who speak to lots of people who have been through something similar. We also have a live chat here every mon-fri between 5 and 7pm.

      It may also be an idea to get some counselling which your GP can refer you to. You don't need to tell the GP all the details.

      Try not to think that this will ruin your future, it seems like he has deleted the images and hopefully no one else has seen them. It may feel hard to trust people in the future and while it is good to be wary, most boys will not treat you like this. The sites above also have info on what to do if anything like this happens again and how to cope with the pressure.

      This was not your fault, he pressured you and manipulated you. It's good that you are looking for support now so that you can rebuild your life and try to move on from this,
      I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • CHRISTINE

    09/03/2014

    I have just finished a 7months relationship,
    I always thought he would change but it never did!
    I was kept in my home like a prisoner towards the end.. Any txt phone call he would check. I couldnt go shopping on my own or even join slimming world, When i tried to finish he would always have a knife by his wrist throat..
    He threatened to come to the house with hammer and machettee cause we finished. He has a restraining order and bail to stay away from me. so happy ive got my life back.. Just 7months being with him was a nightmare!!

    CHRISTINE - 09/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Christine,

      Thanks for sharing your experience, it sounds like it was really dangerous and must have been very scary for you.

      I'm really glad you followed through with the justice system and that there are legal sanctions in place to keep you safe at the moment. Something to consider is what is in place to address your emotional wellbeing. If you feel like you need additional support then plase do contact the national helpline on 0808 8000 247. they will be able to tell you what services are available in your area.

      I'm really glad that you are out of the relationship, and really hope there is support in place for you.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • Kim

    09/03/2014

    In October I was to find out that my husband of 6.5 years had used me for an immigration marriage fraud...he had presented as a widower with three children. When in fact he was very much married and has 5 children. Two born after I married him. To understand the total deception and lies every single day. To know that he was having sex with his other wife...it defies belief. He left me having obtained his UK Citizenship and clearing out my bank account. I feel emotionally, physically and financially raped. This is bigamy...and I now count 5 wives in total between 2002 and 2007. Who knows what the status of these marriages are! So am I alone..........no....through Stop UK Marriage Fraud I have heard many similar stories. Should those involved in this sort of crime be identified and listed....without doubt yes but unfortunately many of these crimes are reported to UKBA who does not have the systems and processes in place to work with the Police. These abusers just go on to target other men and women.

    Kim - 09/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Kim,

      Thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds like an awful situation, and I am really glad you have found an agency to support you at this time. However, if you would like to talk to us about this a little bit more then you are welcome to join us on our Live Chat function that is running Monday to Friday 5pm until 7pm,

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • Ro

    08/03/2014

    I've just remembered that when I was 4 or 5 I was sexually abused by my big sister when we shared our baths. Now we both have babies and I'm freaking out. I don't know what to do because if I tell our parents it would destroy our family and I'm scared that they won't believe me. My sisters not the nicest of people anyway but who would believe that she did such vile things to her own sister. I feel sick and I'm pretty sure if I remember it, so will she. I don't want to upset anyone and if I've repressed it for so long, everyone will surely think I'm making it up or I would have told everyone years ago

    Ro - 08/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ro,

      Thanks for coming forward and talking about this, it must be really tough for you.

      It is never acceptable for anybody to perform sexual acts on us that we do not want, and at the age of 4 or 5 there is no way that we can give consent.

      It must be really tough having carried this with you for so many years. I think it would be really helpful to talk through this with a professional. It may be helpful to speak to somebody like Rape Crisis, their telephone number is 0808 802 9999. Alternatively, you could explore this a little bit more with us on our live chat service that we are running Monday to Friday, 5pm until 7pm. Another option available is to look at what support you may receive through counselling in your local area.

      I really hope you access some support.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • Sophie

    08/03/2014

    Hi i am 23 years old and i have kept a dark secret for years. I was confused and wasn't sure what to do as the years have gone by ive kept it to myself and i finally plucked up the courage to tell my mum that my brother used to sexually abuse me while my mum was at work. She believes me but has told me just to forget about it as it was years ago and there's nothing the police can do as there isn't any evidence. Its torn our family apart some think in lying and it hurts alot to think they think id lie about something like this. I don't know what to do maybe i should have just said nothing but it made me feel sick the more i see him and realised he was 4 years older than me and shouldn't have don't it to me. I feel sick and lost :(

    Sophie - 08/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Sophie,

      Thanks for getting in touch. I'm really glad you have come forward to talk about your experience. It must have been really tough for you.

      I think something to consider at the moment is that whether you go to the Police or not, it has still had a huge impact on your life and you will need support for this. There are some great services out there that will be able to offer you practical and emotional support. They won't force you to go to the Police, but will give you all the options available for you.

      It might be really helpful to talk to someone like Rape Crisis, their number is 0808 802 9999.

      Something important to keep in mind is that it is not your fault. Your brother chose to behave that way, and by not accessing any support you are causing more damage to yourself. If it were somebody outside of your family then it would be seen completely differently, and you may act in a completely different way.

      I think the best thing for you at the moment is to talk about your options with a professional. Nobody is going to force you to do something you don't want to do.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • adaobi

    08/03/2014

    He hits me force me tu have sex with him and lock me up in the house

    adaobi - 08/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi adaobi

      This is very serious and very concerning. Are you able to call the police on 999 - they will be able to protect you.

      You can also call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      Does anyone else know what is happening? If you can tell people that will help to keep you safer, it can be anyone you trust - family, teacher, doctor etc and they can help you.

      We also have a live chat here every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you are able to get online to talk to us.

      You have done the right thing by looking for support, so please do contact people who can help you, you do not have to cope with this alone and you deserve to be safe and protected,
      take care and please let us know how you are,
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • HJ

    07/03/2014

    The "Your Questions" page says this "MY BOYFRIEND SAYS EVERYONE IS HAVING SEX BUT I STILL DON'T FEEL READY. " Surely this is only fuelling the belief that that only girls can be abused. Surely girls are also likely to want to take a loving relationship to the next level.

    HJ - 07/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi HJ,

      Thanks for you comment. It is a valid point. However, research shows that young women are far note likely to feel pressured in to sex than young men. That's not to say young men do not feel pressured in to having sex. However, young men are far more likely to feel pressured in to having sex by their peers rather than their partner.

      However, if you feel that you have had an experience that you would like to talk about then please do use our live chat service, which runs from the website Monday to Friday 5pm until 7pm.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • Ashley

    06/03/2014

    My boyfriend and I were arguing in his car. I was telling him how he never lets me or anyone else have an opinion or a voice and what he says is always correct and final... He slammed the car to a stop on the lanes and ordered me to get out repeatedly and then speeded off. It was about 45 mins walk from my house but the lanes were unlit and pitch black, and had no pavement or grass verge so I was forced to go back the way I came and walk the long way around which takes over two hours to get home. He came back for me but I was too scared and upset to get back in the car. I walked about 3 miles until I decided it was okay to get back in. He said sorry and bought me a take away. He snaps like this often but it's my fault because I've made him angry. He's just impossible to please. I don't know what to do.

    Ashley - 06/03/2014

    Reply

    • Dear Ashley,

      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of courage to admit that things in your relationship are not right and reach out for help. There is support out there, you don’t have to cope on your own with these feelings.

      From what you write it sounds like your boyfriend is being emotionally abusive to you frequently, losing his temper over nothing and doing things that and put you at risk. You obviously feel uneasy about this as you have posted here. What is happening in your relationship is not ok and it’s not your fault. You partner may try to say that you are to blame for his outbursts and actions but you are not. He is choosing to act the way that he does. There is nothing you can do to make him behave in another way – only he can do that

      Have you spoken about this with anyone? Do you have anyone in your life you trust? Friends or family? If you cannot talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to give you support and advice and help you decide how best to keep yourself safe.

      We also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you want to discuss this more with one of our advisors.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 07/03/2014

  • Emma

    06/03/2014

    My x boyfriend pressured me into sending him inappropriate pictures and do sexual things with him and had anal sex with me when i said i didnt want to and used force so i couldnt stop him. he dumped me and I'm now really worried he will tell people what we did or what i sent him is there anything i can do? I'm living in fear of him now

    Emma - 06/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Emma,

      I'm really sorry that you have had this awful experience, and i'm really glad you're seeking advice on it. It's really important that you understand that this is not your fault, he chose to behave in this way, and that doesn't reflect badly on you.

      There's some really helpful information on sexting here; http://www.childline.org.uk/explore/onlinesafety/pages/sexting.aspx that might be helpful to you.

      But my biggest concern is that your ex pressured you in to doing a lot of things sexually that you weren't comfortable with, and it sounds like some of his actions might have been classed as rape or sexual assault. I think it would be really helpful for you to talk a little bit more about what happened with a professional who will be able to give you some more advice on your sit ion. It might be helpful to call Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999. Alternatively you can chat with us on our Live Chat Function, Monday to Friday 5pm-7pm.

      Have you talked to anybody else about what happened, like a close friend or family member? The more support you have at this time the easier it will be for you.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 07/03/2014

  • Connor

    06/03/2014

    My girlfriend gets paranoid when i talk to other girls, and she hes been 'sexting' other lads. I think this is wrong, she checks my phone and hides hers, is or could this be a sign of her trying to control me, checking my phone, 'sexting' others ?

    Connor - 06/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Conner,

      Thank you for your message. What your girl friend is doing is not ok and is abusive. I’m pleased you have felt able to seek support here; making the first step takes a lot of strength.

      Your girlfriend is being emotionally abusive and controlling. There is no justification for the way she is checking your phone and controlling what you do. The fact that she is sexting people also shows that she is not treating you with the love and respect that you deserve.

      Can you speak to anyone in your life about what is happening? A family member or a trusted adult? If you don’t feel able to discuss this with anyone in know I would encourage you to call the Men’s Advice line 0808 801 0327, they are a specialist organisation who work with male victims of abuse. It’s a confidential helpline where you can discuss your options and get some emotional support.

      We also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you need some support or a place to talk.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 06/03/2014

  • Krishna

    06/03/2014

    I met my wife last year. She seemed perfect she was perfect we ended in marriage. Marriage took place in India. I believed she married me because of the love. But I realised that she married to gain entry into country to gain citizenship.She says she loves me but I don't feel loved I feel so alone. When I realised that she married only for visa purpose. She started abusiving me I being made a victim and making false allegations to my friends and family. i need help as She tried to Kill me. Please advice we are in rented home on my name I don't want her to stay with me or I don't want stay with her.
    I believe her presence is a life threat to me Please advise what to do

    Krishna - 06/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Krishna,

      Thank you for your message. You are in a domestically violent relationship and what your wife is doing is against the law. I’m pleased you have felt able to seek support here, making the first step takes a lot of strength.

      Your wife is being physically and emotionally abusive . There is no justification for the way you are being treated and it is serious, the abuse you are experiencing is not your fault. If you feel that you are in danger at any point you can call the police on 999.

      It sounds like you have been dealing with this alone, which must be very difficult for you.
      Can you speak to anyone in your life about what is happening? I understand it can be hard to talk about abuse at home. If you don’t feel able to discuss this with anyone in your life I would encourage you to call the Men’s Advice line 0808 801 0327, they are a specialist organisation who work with male victims of domestic violence. It’s a confidential helpline where you can discuss your options and get some emotional support. You may also want to look on this website below to see if there are services that may be helpful to you.

      http://www.karmanirvana.org.uk/

      we also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you need some support.


      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 06/03/2014

  • Jess

    05/03/2014

    I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months now, everything was perfect at first and at times still is now. However in august last year whilst on holiday with friends we were both drunk and started arguing, when we got back to where we were back he hit me so bad that he bruised all of my boob and arms. We talked about it after, and because t was totally a side is never seen from him before i ignored what had happened and moved on.since then until lately we've been fine, we'd have the odd Arguement, and yes at time I'd be worried he'd hurt me again when drunk. Last week whilst out drinking we got back and started to argue over something petty, he was really drunk and pushed me so hard back into my face I started bleeding really bad. The day after I woke up with a swollen face and all bruise eye and nose. He said at first he would get help because he loves me, and I love you. But now he's started to go back on the idea of getting help, saying he just won't drink again because that's only when it happens. We're only students and he's saying he wouldn't be able to afford anger management. I just don't know what to say or do anymore and it's starting to reflect on my behaviour as I feel very down.

    Jess - 05/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jess,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like it's been really tough for you.

      It's really important that you access some support for yourself as well as him accessing support. You can contact the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to find out what is available in your area. There are some concerns around your safety if he is choosing to use this kind of behaviour. There is also a lot of information on the Women's Aid website, www.womensaid.org.uk.

      It is his choice whether he chooses to address his abusive behaviour, and if he really wished to change then he would go through with this. However, it is not anger management that he requires as he is only choosing to behave this way towards you, not any other friends, family members or strangers in the street. What he will need to access is a behavioural change programme, and many of these are run free of charge. Those that aren't free of charge run on a sliding scale so as a student he would have to pay very little if there were a cost. For more information on this he can contact the Respect Phoneline on 0808 802 4040. But he has to decide to do this himself.

      I really hope you access some support for yourself to help you through this difficult time.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

  • Jo

    05/03/2014

    I'm hoping this site isn't just for young people. I had an awful experience almost 2 weeks ago with an ex who won't accept that I don't want a relationship anymore. He had been watching my daily routine and knew what time I was arriving home mid morning. He waited for me to unlock my front door then approached too quickly for me to get in before he reached me, he forced his way in and then forced me through into my lounge, I knew his behaviour wasn't right but I was frozen with fear as he had locked and chained my front door. After apologising for the way he had treated me in our relationship, he then asked if we could get back together, but when I told him I couldn't he became very aggressive and then he forced himself on me. I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this. The weird thing is that he was the one who walked away during a difficult time that we had early on in our relationship. Things have now got out of hand and he has gone too far, but I'm worried about what I should do as I feel that whatever I choose to do next will make him worse and he will come looking for me again. I'm also very worried as I have a daughter who knows nothing about any of this and I'd like it to stay that way in order to protect her. So I really don't know what I should do next.

    Just to add, he began watching my daily movements as I'd not been answering his calls or notes he had been posting through my door during the middle of the night.
    I feel kind of responsible for him reacting like he has, and this is something he has said to me, but I'm really worried that this is going to happen again, and other than contacting the police I'm not sure how to stop him.

    Jo - 05/03/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Jo,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how frightened you. What has happened and is happening to you is a very serious crime and you have been brave to seek support here.

      You ex is stalking you and has raped you. You say he is still watching you. It’s understandable that you are frightened. You have done nothing that could have made you responsible for what is happening to you. You deserve some support and to be safe from harm.

      You say you do not want your daughter to know or to go to the police. But at the moment you are not safe. Do you have anyone else you could discuss this with, friends or family? Do you have anywhere you could stay, or could you contact a refuge in your area? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take and if there is refuge support in your local area.

      If you are in immediate danger you can also call 999, as what is happening to you is a serious crime.

      You may also want to discuss the rape you have experienced from your ex partner. To do this you can call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence and trauma. They can talk with her in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday).

      Your priority is to keep yourself and your daughter safe. This person has raped you and is watching you. They sound very dangerous and someone you need to seek protection from. You may want to look here for more information about keeping yourself safe.

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005

      This is not something you can deal with alone and you will need to involve other people, as the more people you have around you that are aware of the situation you are in, the better you will be able to find options that can help you deal with what is happening.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 05/03/2014

  • Amy-Rose

    05/03/2014

    I love my boyfriend and he says he loves me, we have been together for 4 years so I want to believe him
    When it comes to sleeping together being raised in a gypsy/traveller community is it not thought about until after marriage, unlike the majority of my family I am studying a degree at university and want to finish this prior to marriage, I recieve alot of pressure to withdraw from my studies however I persist in continuning.
    Therefore I feel that I need to be thankful to my boyfriend for allowing me to continue studying, recently he began shouting because I would not get married
    We began having sex as he said I needed to meet halfway in the relationship, not just do what I wanted
    I have recently found out I am 13 weeks pregnant but am too scared to tell my boyfriend/ family due to the pressure to get married immediately before the baby is born
    Recently my boyfriend has wanted sex, I have not wanted this entirely, one night I think he raped me but Im not sure, he held me by my arms and said that i enjoyed it and wanted him.
    When i said i was scared, he said i couldnt be because he was my boyfriend and he loved me it was natural.

    Amy-Rose - 05/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Amy-Rose,

      Thank you for contacting us and sharing your experience. It sounds really scary.

      I want to highlight that him holding your arms and forcing himself on you is rape, you have to give consent to have sex, and it is impossible to give consent when you are so scared. He should have respected this.

      He should have also respected your views and beliefs on sex and marriage, and I understand that these are really strong beliefs within the traveller community. There is a traveller advice team which may be able to offer you some more specific advice and support, they can be contacted on 0121 685 8677.

      I am concerned about your relationship, and what is going to happen next for you, and I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to a professional. It might be helpful to call the National Women's Aid Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They may be able to offer you further advice and support.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

  • sara

    05/03/2014

    My boyfriend told me i wasnt a good girlfriend because i didnt want to have sex, or do anything with him. he told me that everyone did . it was my first time. I was in tears saying i was scared. but it happened anyway. I said okay , but i wasnt happy. that wasnt abuse, because i gave consent, but i was never comfortable with it. i regret it more than anything. i expected to be shown love afterwards but he just left me sitting there while he answered his phone calls and texts. i hope no one ever has their first time ruined like this , hope its as beautiful as most girls dreamed it should be. I have broken up with him now. but I have never been able to be with anyone else after him.i guess im now more "frigid" then i ever have been before now

    sara - 05/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Sara,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like it was a horrible and scary experience. Nobody should ever feel pressured in to having sex, and using emotional abuse such as 'everybody else does it' or 'you're not a good girlfriend if you don't' is not acceptable. It sounds like you gave consent because you were pressured to do so, which doesn't really count as true consent to have sex.

      I'm really glad that you are out of the relationship, but it sounds like there are still some issues resulting from it. I want you to know that it doesn't make you frigid if you don't want to have sex again at the moment, and I hope that the next time it happens it is the good experience that you talk about. I think it might be helpful for you to have a chat about what happened with a professional. You might want to consider talking to Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999, or you can come and talk to us on Live Chat Monday to Friday, 5pm-7pm and we can try and point you in the direction of helpful services.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 06/03/2014

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Results: 225 - 240 of 2149

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