HAVE YOUR SAY

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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• Greg

  15/02/2013

  I am a man and am abused every now and then by my wife, who on Wednesday twice grabbed me by the neck and shoved me into the fridge, then spat at close range into my face. She also womanhandled me about on a few occasions in the day. She also lied later and said I had done things to her which I had not.
  
  I am slight and of smaller build than her. I received a torrent of verbal abuse and did not retaliate either verbally or physically.
  
  She also belittles me quite regularly and makes fun of my age and baldness and other personal things, sometimes in front of friends and family.
  
  Where can I get help and advice?

  Greg - 15/02/2013

  Reply

  • I think it's good of you speaking up about this. Most guys wouldn't because they think they appear weak, however, when I read what you wrote, I thought you sounded like a really nice, friendly guy who cares about his wife enough to not react in a negative way. I think that shows strength through a high level of self control. :)
    You should tell someone close to you in your family. If she embarrasses you in front of friends and family, then I doubt that none of them have noticed it already so it should be easier to tell them. :)
    Stay strong!

    Hannah - 24/04/2013

  • Hi Greg,
    
    Thanks for getting in touch.
    
    If you're a man who's experiencing violence at the hands of your wife then it may be especially difficult to reach out. Some people have told us that they would feel less manly if someone knew that were being abused by a woman, that it would be shameful. And others have told us about situations where their female partner threatened to tell authorities that they were being abused by them in order to keep them silent.
    
    Talking about what's happening is really important and you can get help if your partner is violent, controlling or sexually abusive.
    
    You can speak in confidence by calling the helpline for males experiencing domestic abuse. Call freephone 0808 801 0327, email info@mensadviceline.org.uk or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk
    
    SurvivorsUK supports adult men over the age of 18 who have experienced sexual violation at any time in their lives. They offer a helpline for male survivors, their friends, family and carers on 0845 1221201 (Mon/Tues 7-9.30pm and Thurs 12-2.30pm) and a London based counselling service offering low cost individual counselling and group therapy: www.survivorsuk.org / info@survivorsuk.org
    
    Dudley Safe and Sound partnership have also produced a video which provides advice for male victims of relationship abuse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU
    

    15/02/2013

• Bethany

  14/02/2013

  I was with a boy for 8 month and at first,everything in the relationship was great,I wasn't forced into doing anything that I didn't feel comfortable about and we were happy. But then,5month on,he cheated on me,several times,each time with a different girl. Each time this happened I "forgave" him and I let him have another chance. He had over 3 chances. Then 7month into the relationship it seemed as if he was trying to control me-he was never allowing me to be out with friends,I always had to be with him,if I went anywhere he had to be there,if I went out with family he used to say that I was meeting another boy,he wouldn't let me talk to anyone,especially not boys. I wasn't allowed to have friends. He baisically took over my life and I had to follow what he said or he would start silly arguments. We haven't been together for 4 month now but I just want to know if this was him controling me and what I should do if it happens again x

  Bethany - 14/02/2013

  Reply

  • Hi Bethany
    
    Thanks for posting on the site. We’re sorry to hear about your experience.
    
    It sounds like you’re suffering from emotional abuse, which can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of emotional abuse include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do, and it’s important to try and find someone you trust to talk to.
    
    This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.
    
    If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
    
    If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
    
    If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
    

    15/02/2013

• Laura

  14/02/2013

  i'm in an abusive relationship right now, me and my ex split up last July yet he still dictates who I speak to, what I do and where I go, if I do anything he doesn't like he beats me and batters me, he uses me for lifts and for food and takes my money so he can go down the pub every night, I'm paying for his phone contract for the next year and a half and he already owes me nearly 4k.
  
  I've tried leaving but even when I do he still has access to all my passwords and I still have to hide what I do and who I talk to and if he finds out he comes after me and threatens to hurt my parents not just me. I feel like I'm suffocating.
  
  My last bf took almost 8k off me and left me with nothing, now i'm in the same position again and I'm scared and lonely. He is crazy, he says he loves me but can't be with me cos he doesnt trust me and thinks im a compulsive liar, the only reason I lie and hide stuff now is because I'm scared of what he'll do.
  
  I'm not even allowed any friends. Even when I'm honest with him he beats me because he doesn't like hearing it. When I go behind his back to meet a girlfriend I have to lie about it and risk being found out and beaten and 'fined' until 'i learn'. Yet he does what he wants, when he wants.
  
  If I involve the police I'm afraid he'll just send some nasty people he knows after me and my family....... I'm afraid of where I'm going to end up. I'm 25 and I'm being bullied by a 22year old ex-army boy.
  

  Laura - 14/02/2013

  Reply

  • Hi Laura
    
    Thanks for sharing your story.
    
    Emotional abuse is wrong and can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do, and it’s important to try and find someone you trust to talk to.
    
    It doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.
    
    If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
    
    Alternatively, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
    

    15/02/2013

• James

  14/02/2013

  I think i'm gay, i had a girlfriend for 18 months and i broke up with her because i have a strong attraction towards men.
  
  I'm 16 and still in school, i'm scared to tell anyone as i dont know how my peers will treat me.
  
  There is this boy, i watch him get changed during P.E. He's so muscly and i usually go over and comment on his size, in a banter way but i am so attracted to him.
  
  How do i tell someone because i cant keep it in anymore, but i dont want to be judged and given hate during my time as a teenager, PLEASE HELP.

  James - 14/02/2013

  Reply

  • Hi James
    
    If you want to talk to someone in confidence about your feelings, you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
    
    We hope this helps!

    14/02/2013

• Lily

  13/02/2013

  I am bisexual and a 14-year-old, and I was over a friend's house one day (she is also bisexual). She had her cousin and one of his friends over and they kept staring at me when I was in my pajamas, as they did show off my (admittedly larger than average) breasts quite a bit. I didn't like this but didn't mention it. Then when me and my friend went to go to sleep, I am a very heavy sleeper do I must have been moved but didn't notice, and I woke up in a different room, gagged and wearing only panties, with her cousin and friend(who were large 17-year-olds, capable of picking me up) feeling my breasts while restraining me. I started trying to struggle but I couldn't move, one was below me and one on top. Then they started raping me. I felt like a slut and I felt horrible, but the worst part was, when my friend came in, she didn't stop it. There was now no-one to help me, as her parents were out for the weekend. All three continued to rape me, and I felt really dirty. When they finally stopped, they tied my arms and legs to the bed and left me there, went to have breakfast and started it again. They then kicked me out of the house into a their garden wearing nothing and made me walk home in my pajamas. My parents weren't home so nobody else knows, but I feel like such a slut.

  Lily - 13/02/2013

  Reply

  • Hi Lily,
    
    Thanks for your post.
    
    Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime and it should be reported. Please understand this abuse was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this, you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about, you cannot help the way your body reacted, that was its natural response.
    
    Please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
    
    If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
    
    You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
    
    You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.
    
    And if you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

    18/02/2013

• Adam

  12/02/2013

  I am a guy who sells vegetables !! Some random people called me to do home delivery. I went there and 4 girls pushed me on bed tied my both hands and legs and started doing nasty stuff... Now they want me to come daily and they have even said they will pay me for that... What should I do? They have also taken some of my nude pictures and they blackmail me by that

  Adam - 12/02/2013

  Reply

  • Hi Adam,
    
    Thanks for your message.
    
    You don't need to tolerate this abusive and bullying behaviour. Speak up about your experience - SurvivorsUK supports adult men over the age of 18 who have experienced sexual violation at any time in their lives. They offer a helpline for male survivors, their friends, family and carers on 0845 1221201 (Mon/Tues 7-9.30pm and Thurs 12-2.30pm) and a London based counselling service offering low cost individual counselling and group therapy: www.survivorsuk.org / info@survivorsuk.org
    
    You can also contact the police, it might seem like a big deal, so you might find it helpful to talk to an expert who can tell you more about the process and what to expect. You can find details of suitable organisations on the Need Help page - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/need-help.
    
    If you do decide to report it, most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

    14/02/2013

• Jay

  12/02/2013

  I'm 25 right now but I've got something I'd like to share - I was 16 when this happened (She was17 years old) Onw night she invited me over to stay at her place. At this point I was nervous, she'd been with me for so long (Year and a half) but we hadn't actually had sex because I was under 16 (Or that's what I thought) I went to her house with the impression we HAD to have sex. I honestly don't know why I never discussed how she felt about sex. I just thought she was tired of waiting. We joked and laughed and she kissed me. I took this as a signal and went to undo her jeans. At that point she froze but I thought she was surprised I had the guts to do it. I was actually enjoying it, the face that we were about to have sex. But as I took off her jeans I heard her whisper "No" At first I thought I'd done it wrong but she'd screwed her eyes shut and looked like she was in pain. She said "No" again and I stopped, I handed back her jeans and she pulled them back on. I felt terrible and went to hug her and said I was sorry. She cried and said how scared she was that I wouldn't stop. I hugged her even tighter - 11 years on we're best of friends. We eventualy did have sex at 18 and it was completely consentual on both sides. Although we broke up and married different people we still meet up and talk. My message to any guy or girl reading this NEVER assume your partner wants sex. It's something personal that BOTH people want. If you do both consent listen to your partner, if they say no just STOP. I could've raped her that night. If I had I'd never forgive myself. Just remember that your partner trusts you and you should respect them and their wishes.

  Jay - 12/02/2013

  Reply

• abc

  11/02/2013

  i was at a party and a boy i know asked me if i wanted to go to the shop, i said okay when i got outside he started trying to do sexual things with me and i said i thought we were going to the shop and he said it closed hours ago h carried on trying to do stuff i said no but he carried on anyway

  abc - 11/02/2013

  Reply

  • Hi abc,
    
    Thanks for your post.
    
    Please understand that being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is unacceptable. Understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
    
    But if you are being put under pressure to have sex when you don’t want to you need to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
    
    And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
    
    You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

    14/02/2013

• Ellie

  11/02/2013

  hi i have been going out with this boy that i have known for ages, we went to the same primary and we go to the same high school, we are in year 9 and when ever i go to his house he is always pressuring me, touching me, i say stop being to forward but he carrys on touching me, then i just push him away, i never know what else to do, please help...

  Ellie - 11/02/2013

  Reply

  • Hi Ellie,
    
    Thanks very much for your post.
    
    Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is totally unacceptable. Please understand that this was not your fault.
    
    If you are still being put under pressure please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
    
    If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
    
    You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

    14/02/2013

• Jessica

  10/02/2013

  When i was 15, i camped at a sport competition overnight with the rest of my team, including my boyfriend. When we went to bed, i went into my boyfriend's tent for a cuddle. But he had different ideas and one thing led to another. he asked me to have sex with him and i said no, i wasnt ready for it. he kept putting his penis near my vagina and i was scared he was going to do it anyway so i told him to put on a condom. he took that as my consent (which it wasn't) and he entered me. I split up with him soon after, but since then i have been unable to trust men, until i met my current boyfriend. i was lucky that he used protection and i have been able to move on, however i know that many women are less fortunate. i was raped aged 15, but i am now happier than ever and engaged to my perfect man. Ladies don't give up hope

  Jessica - 10/02/2013

  Reply

• kate

  10/02/2013

  So I've literally just seen something that says sexual assault and unwanted touching are 2 entirely different things! Is this true? I thought that sexual assault INCLUDED unwanted touching because your website says that sexual assault includes "Someone being touched in a sexual way that makes him or her feel uncomfortable or frightened. This could be through their clothes" so which is right?

  kate - 10/02/2013

  Reply

  • Hi Kate,
    
    Thanks for your question.
    
    Yes sexual assault can include someone being touched (through clothes or with no clothes) in a sexual way that makes him or her feel uncomfortable or frightened.
    
    We hope that helps.

    19/02/2013

• Cassidy

  10/02/2013

  About a month ago I was trying really hard to remember something that happened a long time ago but instead I ended up uncovering a memory that I had repressed. I had been sexually assaulted more than once by someone I had been going out with. I've been cautious of guys for years since but I never really knew why. Now I do. It's so frustrating because now I've uncovered it I'll just be sitting in school doing work and the image will just pop into my head. I can remember everything to a T. I can't do anything to stop this happening and all I can do is try and shake it off and force my mind to focus on my work. It's tiring. I really think I need help! Please, is there anywhere I can get help for this? I've read that the only way to deal with this is through drugs but I don't want any drugs. I just want to be normal again. I'm terrified of another guy so much as touching me. Help

  Cassidy - 10/02/2013

  Reply

  • Hi Cassidy,
    
    Thanks for your message.
    
    Talking to someone will help, so we think it's important that you do. Being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is totally unacceptable.
    
    It's important to understand that what happened was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
    
    Please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
    
    If they don't want to listen, do keep trying until you find someone that does. Help and support is out there.
    
    You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

    13/02/2013

• JJ

  09/02/2013

  It makes me so angry that people think its ok to abuse vonerable people of their own accord but people who dont think before there actions will get the concequences but the longer u stay quiet the harder it will be to stop the crime, the term dont suffer in silence is not there to be ignored it is so easy to forget the real truth that is going on everyday lets stop the bullies from getting away with crime and help those who are being abused.

  JJ - 09/02/2013

  Reply

• anon

  09/02/2013

  2 years ago i was forced to have sex with someone (i hate the word rape and try not to use it) i went through councelling and had so much support from friends, my family werent as supportive which had a big impact. Anyway i had councelling spring last year and it really worked but now the memories and the paranoia are coming back.. there are things that trigger it.. like February (which was when it happened) my boyfriends birthday (which is close to the date it happened. i remember every detail) my cousins birthday (which was when i met him) and then the day it happened.. i constantly want to cry and im getting scared that he will try contact me or i will see him or something , i dont know what to do and i need help on how to cope and try get rid of the thought.. he is reuining my life, someone who understands my situation or has been through it reply?

  anon - 09/02/2013

  Reply

  • Hi anon,
    
    Thanks for your message, we're sorry to hear what happened to you.
    
    It's good that you have spoken up about your experience and that you have a lot of support, if you do want to talk to someone else in confidence and get further advice and guidance, depending what age you are you can contact ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
    
    Or if you're over 18 you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information.

    13/02/2013

• iehfls

  09/02/2013

  my ex boyfriend was older then me, and asked me alot for sex and i said i wasent sure, we ended up having sex because he never would stop asking about it, it still upsets me now and he was a very angry and violent person, calling me awful names and chucking me off him during sex and raising his fist at me, i believe i should report it but i dont know if its to late

  iehfls - 09/02/2013

  Reply

  • Hi iehfls,
    
    Thanks very much for your post.
    
    Being subjected to physical and emotional abuse in a relationship is not normal and never ok, no one should tolerate this behaviour. And being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is totally unacceptable. Please understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
    
    Yes you should try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
    
    Depending what age you are you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
    
    Alternatively if you're over 18 you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
    
    If you're worried about reporting your boyfriend, before doing so you might find it helpful to talk to an expert who can tell you more about the process and what to expect. You can find details of suitable organisations on the Need Help page here http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help. If you do decide to report it, most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help.

    13/02/2013