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This is ABUSE

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HAVE YOUR SAY

Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships or ask a question to one of our trained advisors

If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board. And if you’re worried about anything to do with abuse, whether it’s in your own relationship or a friend’s, you can ask one of our trained experts for advice.

Have a read through the discussion boards, the chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.

Seen the ads? What do you think?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape

    [73 comments]

  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical

    [134 comments]

  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?

    [21 comments]

  • Emotional Abuse

    [72 comments]

  • Controlling Behaviour

    [5 comments]

  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP

    [10 comments]

  • Mandem On The Wall

    A trio of friends meet at the place they love to jam - The Wall. Tinie Winie has a new girlfriend and with advice from the Mandem crew learns how to treat her with respect. The trouble is he gets it wrong and ends up becoming someone he doesn't want to be....

    [134 comments]

  • Twist and Pulse

    Twist and Pulse visit George Mitchell school to perform their latest dance routine for the pupils and talk to them to see if they are in the know about relationships.

    [0 comments]

  • Charlie McDonnell

    Watch Charlie McDonnell’s video about Sex, and most importantly, about Consent.

    [0 comments]

  • Bedroom

    Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?

    [156 comments]

  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it

    [8 comments]

  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it

    [5 comments]

  • Sam & Alice

    [12 comments]

  • If you could see yourself

    Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

    [538 comments]

  • Zoe's story

    Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

    [538 comments]

  • Party

    Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?

    [100 comments]

  • School

    Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?

    [79 comments]

  • Takeaway

    Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?

    [169 comments]

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Results: 225 - 240 of 2041

  • Tony

    13/02/2014

    Hello, my sister is 15 and has been seeing a 25 year old, he worked with her at a local restaurant and it became apparent he had been texting her and buying her gifts since she was 14. She had a boyfriend her own age back then but broke it off because off this bloke. She should currently be studying for GCSEs but he is always at the house so she is failing at school. He has no ambition in life and harsh as it sounds is just a bit of a loser,, lives at home with no solid full time job. I worry he is ruining her education to keep her close (we previously told him to back off to allow her to study but he still texts and comes over). I seem to be the only person against this relationship, is it just me?

    Tony - 13/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Tony,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how worried you are about your sister and you have good reason to be. The man she is having a relationship with is a lot older then her and she is still very young. If your sister is in a sexual relationship with him, he is breaking the law and committing a very serious offence.

      Are your parents aware of the relationship? From what you have written it sounds like they are. Do you have anyone else you can discuss this with, a trusted adult or one of your sister’s teachers? You are not in the wrong to be against this relationship, but you may not have the power to help her end it if everyone one else in your sister’s life is condoning it. It sounds like your family need to think about what is at stake for your sister and the implications for her long-term future.

      Buying your sister gifts and texting her when she was fourteen can seen as grooming which is an offence in it’s own right. Your sister is a child and he is a grown man. Have you spoken to her about the relationship?

      You are obviously a good brother who cares about his sisters life. If you can be there for her and discuss honestly your fears for her in a non-judgemental and caring way that may be the first step towards helping her. You can also point her towards this website. If you feel he is using his power over her to limit her interaction with education and boys her own age this is further abuse.

      We also have a live chat 5-7 if you would like to talk about this more with one of our advisors.

      Take care,

      Becca


      .

      This is Abuse team 15/02/2014

  • Katie

    13/02/2014

    Last year I was drawn in by a guy who is 14 years older than me. I fell for his typical lines and thought I was invincible and nothing could hurt me. I ended up too drunk, on the alcohol he'd paid for all night and ended locked in his bedroom with him. I felt frightened and just wanted to go to sleep, he wouldn't leave me be. I woke up to him still touching me and over the top of me, here being a dramatic size difference between us. There was approx 3 occasions of this, the third with him forcing himself into me, it took alot for him to stop and I left. He doesn't know, but nearly 12 months on this is still affecting me and triggering my behaviour.

    Katie - 13/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Katie

      Thanks for your post. It must have taken a lot of courage to write about what happened to you. None of this is your fault and what you describes sounds very frightening so it is not really surprising that you are struggling to cope with all this.

      Have you managed to tell anyone what happened? It is important that you try and do this so that you can get some emotional support for yourself. This could be a friend or someone you trust but having someone to confide in does help.
      One of the things that can happen after a sexual assault or rape is a reaction, often called a post traumatic stress reaction. This means that you can get reminders about what happened, maybe thoughts or memories that keep popping back into your mind or you find it more difficult to manage some situations or be in some places than you did before. These feelings are very unpleasant and often people react to them in a way that feels out of character or that they feel they have no control over. The good news is that if this sounds like what is 'triggering 'you then there are services that can provide you with advice and strategies to stop these feelings.

      You could either talk to you GP who could refer you to a local service or if you called the charity Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999 they could offer you some counselling. They offer an excellent service so if you can pluck up the courage to call them give them a ring. The other thing you might want to consider( or discuss with Rape Crisis) is whether you want to report this to the police. They take all disclosures of rape and sexual assault very seriously irregardless of how long ago it happened. These symptoms you are describing can be alleviated with professional help and you deserve the right to move forward with your life and enjoy it despite this terrible experience so try and contact one of them if you can.

      I hope that helps a little and that things start to improve soon for you

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 15/02/2014

  • Bertie

    13/02/2014

    A friend I know was having a n affair with a family friend, after a night out he forced himself upon her leaving a hand print with finger prints on her breast. I presume that during the struggle that ensued he tore his fore skin which resulted in vast amounts of blood on her the furniture and floor. This happened a while ago and not a day goes by where I do not think of it. Obviously because it was an affair and the families were close , it has not been reported I feel due to embarrassment but I wish this individual who I believe took advantage of the situation, and the fear of being exposed because of the affair. The women was a bit worse for wear and had been drinking. How do you feel I should broach the subjecg once again so this person can be brought to justice.

    Bertie - 13/02/2014

    Reply
    • Bertie,
      Thank you for your message, it sounds as though you’re in a really difficult situation as on one hand you fear the affair will be exposed if you speak out but on the other you want to help your friend. Regardless of the affair if a person forces themselves onto another person this is rape and they should be held accountable for their actions.
      You say that your friend had been drinking and this could make her feel somehow responsible for what has happened. Your friend needs to know that the law states that if a person is drunk they are unable to give their consent to have sex.
      I would suggest you speak to your friend and see what she would like to do as it is important that she is the one who makes the decision. You can inform her of services which can offer advice and support such as www.rapecrisis.org.uk or 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9.30pm).
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 14/02/2014

  • jasmine may

    13/02/2014

    My dad is emotionally abusing me and my family blaming us for his lies and threatning my mum and sisters a lot and then he tries to promise something but then says I am not supposed to know because I am an adult and not me and my sisters business because my mum and dad aare getting a divorce.

    jasmine may - 13/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jasmine,
      Thank you for your message. Abusers will often blame others for their behaviours and make promises that never come to light.
      Abuse does not always stop after a relationship has ended and if your parents are going through a divorce then they will need to come to arrangements on a number of issues such as finances, living arrangements, etc. Your Mother may need some support and advice around this and also some support around her relationship with your father. You could find out the details of your local domestic abuse service or contact www.womensaid.org for more information.
      We also have live chat sessions which run Mon-Fri 5-7pm.

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 14/02/2014

  • Molly

    12/02/2014

    I've been in a relationship for a while now and although I really do like him he makes me feel worthless. He makes me feel stupid and calls me horrible names and makes threats to me such as 'I'm gonna throw acid in your face' followed by a lot of abusive names. He is also very aggressive and even though he never really has hit me he has been aggressive and has gone to hit me before. I feel like I can't get out of this relationship because he is so controlling and always manages to win me over.
    He is also quite forceful sexually for example if I told him I didn't want to or wasn't in the mood he'd say 'you don't have to be'. I find myself crying about this quite a lot but I also feel like I'd be lost without him. My parents would be so ashamed if they knew I was putting up with this.
    Especially as once I thought I was pregnant and he's response was 'get An abortion it's not a big deal' I just don't know what to do anymore

    Molly - 12/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Molly
      I am really glad you got in touch as what you are going through is very serious. Your boyfriend is being emotionally, physically and sexually abusive. This is very concerning and I want you to get some help.

      It is never ok to control or threaten someone or to force them to have sex.

      Remember, that none of this is your fault. You are not 'putting up with it', he has put you in an impossible situation and I think you are being very brave.

      It is really important that you talk to people about this as it will help you and keep you safe. I know you are worried about telling your parents but is there anyone else you trust to talk to? Maybe a teacher or another family member or friend?
      You can also talk to us on our live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm.

      It is really important that we keep you safe, there are some tips here: http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/47-keeping-safe-in-an-unhealthy-relationship.html

      You can also ring the national helpline on 0800 2000 247 and they can support you and tell you about local services.

      Please do get some support, or come back here and talk to us.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 13/02/2014

  • Cara

    12/02/2014

    People are telling me that my boyfriend is abusive and my mum wants me to go to counselling - I just can't see it! I did start to question things after I saw the MTV advert for this is abuse and when our relationship ticked all the boxes it got me thinking that there could be some truth in what everyone was saying. We've been together nearly 18 months but over the past few months he's become really distant and angry with me.

    Cara - 12/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Cara

      It is great that your mum is aware of what is happening in your relationship. Sometimes it can be hard for us to see what is really going on, and it takes someone close to us to recognise it. I am glad you have had a look at the MTV site, have a look on here as well: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse
      If you are ticking a lot of the things on the checklist then that is concerning. I think your mum is right to be worried.
      There are a lot of great support organisations on our help pages that you can contact. Keep talking to your mum as well as it is important that other people know what is going on as this helps to keep you safe.
      We also have a live chat every mon-fri from 5-7 pm if you want to talk to us more.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 13/02/2014

  • Dean

    12/02/2014

    Well I was in a relationship and my girlfriend got raped she was pregnant It worried me for wot would happen to my baby. I was horrified For wot happen to her and It scares me to know that you get bad people out there, Wot do I do If people are making you not to tell anyone about raping?

    Dean - 12/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Dean
      Thanks for your message. It must have been an awful time for you and your girlfriend. You say you were in a relationship - does that mean you are not together anymore? Has she had the baby?

      I think that she will need some support to cope with what happened and it would be good for her to contact rape crisis : http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      0808 802 9999 - they will be able to listen and give her support. They can also explain what would happen if she does want to report it to the police and can support her through that process.

      You are right, it is scary that people do this to other people. It sounds as if some people told you not to report what happened?
      It is up to your girlfriend if she wants to report it to the police, but I think it is always important to get support from a professional organisation like the one above, as rape is incredibly traumatic and can have huge impacts on someone.

      I understand that this has also been very hard for you, so you should try to get some support too.

      I hope this helps,
      take care dean,
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 13/02/2014

  • Missy

    12/02/2014

    I was in a relationship for just under a year. I was regularly beaten up, left with bruises all over my body, strangle marks on my neck, black eyes, was kicked and punched for the smallest of things. I wasn't allowed to speak to friends that were guys. I made the mistake once of hugging an old friend of mine,...... my ex went mad. There has been untold amount of times where I am left with lumps on my head from him smacking my head against whatever is near. He used to force me to have sex with him. I got pregnant, he forced me to keep it, making me feel bad for wanting to get rid of it, and I was only 16. Two months into the pregnancy, he got drunk and started to stamp on my belly, the next day I had a miscarriage, he blamed me. The look in his eyes, and the pure happiness in his face when he was strangling me. He used to threaten me and my family. Saying he was going to come into my house..........he used to threaten to hurt my family if I left him. He would always check my phone, need to know who I spoke to and what about, needed the password to my Facebook and if I changed it, I would get a beating. One time he threw me on the floor and starting stamping on my face. He went inside to his nans, I couldnâ

    Missy - 12/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Missy

      thank you for contacting us and having the courage to share something about what you have experienced. It sounds like an awful situation and a dangerously abusive relationship. Its a relief to hear you are no longer in this situation but the effects of abuse can be long lasting.

      I hope that you have been able to re connect with your family and friends now for some emotional support as this is so important to help you move on from what happened to you. The National helpline on 0808 2000 247 if you call them could give you information about local services in your area. This may not be something you feel that you need but many women do benefit from some counselling or perhaps joining a survivors group where they can meet other women who have had similar experiences. Mostly women find this quite empowering as it helps them appreciate that the abuse was not their fault and think about how they can move on and rebuild their life.

      I hope things work out for you

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 12/02/2014

  • chloe

    12/02/2014

    I dont no wat to do, my parter pushes me around, pulls my hair, slaps me and breaks my stuff, we have 2 kids and i dnt want them to see it. We arnt suppost to be together due to police involvement and my family dont no we are back together they would disown me. I have moved away to start a fresh but he followed me, he wont leave. I cant ring the police, tell my family or friends. Im stuck and scared.its all my falt i shouldnt of taken him back and i shouldnt of dropped charges. I hope this is confidential and wont be passed on to the police.

    chloe - 12/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Chloe

      Thanks for getting in touch with us. Its understandable that you are feeling scared and confused about what to do with what you have described. It is not unusual for women , especially those who have children to give their partner another chance because despite the abuse as separating from a relationship is a major decision and very hard to do. The important thing at the moment is that you get some advice and support for yourself to help you decide what to do.

      Have you a close friend you trust who you would feel comfortable talking to about this as you are unable to share this with your family. If not perhaps you could try talking to your children's health visitor ( if they are at that age) as they have lots of experience supporting women in similar situations.

      Its important to remember that leaving can be a time when many women experience an increase in the violence and abuse so if you are thinking about this as an option its important to try and plan to leave safely if you can. The Women's Aid website www.womensaid.org.uk has information on it about safety planning and the National helpline on 0808 2000 247 can discuss your options with you if you can give them a call. Most areas also have an IDVA ( Independent domestic violence advocate). These are specially trained workers to support women experiencing domestic violence. They would be able to support you as well and will have worked with many women who feel unable to report to the police or tell their family about the situation.

      We also run Live Chat sessions Mon -Fri 5 -7 so if you were able to come on line and chat to us we could help you think about your options.

      I hope that helps a little

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 12/02/2014

  • Taylor

    11/02/2014

    Basically we get on a lot but when we argue over stupid things.. Such as not replying quick enough, our arguements get very abusive.. Such as name calling and hitting .. I've never told anyone due to they would stop me seeing him.. Give me advice please?

    Taylor - 11/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Taylor

      thanks for getting in touch with us and I can understand that you feel confused and worried. It can be very hard to weigh up the pros and cons of a relationship but as you are already aware physical and emotional abuse is unacceptable and leaves someone feeling sad and mixed up about what to do.

      I know you are worried about talking to someone but it is important that you try and get some support for yourself. If you can't talk to your parents or family maybe a close friend, teacher or someone like that could help instead. Just having someone to share this with will help you not feel so alone. We also offer live chat sessions Mon - Fri 5 -7 if you wanted to talk to us instead.

      A good site for young people to look at about healthy and unhealthy relationships is www.respectnotfear.co.uk. Looking at this may help you think a bit more about what the benefits would be of remaining in this relationship. Its important to feel safe both physically and emotionally when you are in a close and intimate relationship with someone and it does not sound as though this is always how it is for you. There is also a book you might like to read called In Love and In danger by Barrie Levy which you could ask the local library to order for you or get online.

      I hope that helps as a starting point but please do come back to us or contact us on Live chat if you want more information or advice

      Take Care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 12/02/2014

  • Charlotte

    11/02/2014

    When I say or do something that my boyfriend finds annoying he pokes me in the side, back, and thighs - all areas that he knows are incredibly sensitive because of a ........... condition that I have. I don't know if he is just forgetting, being a jerk or if it really is abuse. It happens a lot. He is really sweet most of the time and my family thinks he is a great guy for me. He is also a bit sexually aggressive - if I say no he pulls my hair and tries to get me to perform oral sex on him. Honestly this is my first physically intimate relationship so I just don't know if this is normal...

    Charlotte - 11/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Charlotte

      Thanks for getting in touch with us. I can see that this is pretty confusing for you but what you are describing by your boyfriend is actually abuse. It can be hard to work out if something is intentional or not but if he knows that you have a condition that gives you pain then he should be respecting that and looking out for you.He definitely shouldn't be poking you in areas that he knows will hurt you.

      The sexual aggression is also not acceptable. An intimate relationship should be based on trust and respect which does not involve aggression. This must be very difficult for you to cope with. Have you anyone you can talk to about this because its important that you have some emotional support for yourself.

      It may be helpful if you look at the website www.respectnotfear.co.uk which is especially for young people and is all about healthy and unhealthy relationships. It may give you some ideas in relation to working out what is normal or acceptable and what is not. You have a right to be safe and not treated in this way. It can be hard to understand this when you also probably have feelings for your boyfriend but you need to weigh up what you are getting from the relationship that makes it worthwhile for you.There is also another site (it's and American one) about dating violence for young people. Its www.loveisnotabuse.com

      Try and take a look at those sites and if you feel it would be helpful to talk to one of us then we have live chat sessions Mon -Fri 5 -7

      I hope that helps as a staring point

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 11/02/2014

  • Alex

    11/02/2014

    I have done bad to my ex but i have been to lessons and have changed for her and ready to be a better man for her how do i show her that because i know deep down she still has feelings for me?

    Alex - 11/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Alex
      Thanks for your message. It is fantastic that you have admitted that you were abusive in the past and have had some support to change your behaviour.

      It is very likely that your ex does still have feelings for you as it is hard to stop loving someone, even if they are abusive. However, you may have to accept that she will not want to get back together with you - and that is absolutely her right. Even if she does care about you and believes that you have changed, when someone we care about was abusive to us it can take a very long time (if ever) before we are ready to have anther relationship with anyone, yet alone that same person.

      I think you need to give her some space and not put any pressure on her at all. It is her decision if she wants to get back with you, but if that did happen I would want her to have a lot of support and if you felt like you wanted to be abusive again you would need to make sure you got support and did not let things escalate. If you ever need to talk, respect have a great phoneline: http://www.respect.uk.net/pages/get-help.html
      freephone 0808 802 4040

      I know this is hard but I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 12/02/2014

  • R

    11/02/2014

    I went out for a few drinks last weekend with a few of my old friends. It was a chance for us to get together and regain the friendship we used to have. I didnt invite my boyfriend out because I wanted to spend time with old friends not new ones or him. He keeps getting funny with this and keeps bringing up how my ex was invited and not him. He starts arguments over what I was wearing and says he is upset with who i wore it for not what i wore when I only wore what I did for myself so I could gain the confidence. After this recently he accuses me of being with someone else because I dont reply to his texts straight away or i dont reply cause i have fallen asleep. And now anything he brings up or causes and argument for is all my fault and im always the one in the wrong. I dont really do anything wrong or at least I dont think I do and yet everything still gets thrown back my way. we are both 18 and I love him to peices but I dont know what I should do about all the arguing because nothing I ever do is ever right in his eyes. when we spend time together it is great we have a laugh and we get along with no arguing but a day after he will find another argument to start and he will do it all over text. if hes isnt getting funny over what I am doing its because I cant see him on the weekend. I know we dont have to spend every waking moment together but he doesnt seem to understand that. i just needed a bit of advive on what to do about this sort of situation. x

    R - 11/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi R
      Thanks for your message.
      It sounds like your boyfriend is being very emotionally abusive and also very controlling. It is not ok for him to try to tell you who you can and can't see or what you should wear etc. These are not things that should happen in a healthy, respectful relationship. You have the right to see who you want, when you want and should not feel pressured to reply to texts instantly.

      I understand that you love him, but what is happening is not ok and I worry that things will only get worse unless he is able to admit he is wrong and takes responsibility for changing his behaviour. However, it is not your responsibility to make him realise that.

      I think you need to decide if this is really a relationship that you want to be in. The majority of guys will not treat you like this. I know it is a hard decision to make. There is some advice here: http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/relationship/

      It is also a good idea to talk to other people about what has been going on - friends or family, or someone else that you trust, as it will keep you safer and help you to work out how you are feeling.
      We also have a live chat from 5-7pm mon-fri if you want to talk to us.

      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 12/02/2014

  • Corrie

    10/02/2014

    I love the fact that there has been a significant increase in rape awareness. I was raped 4 years ago, and have recovrred in my own time. U am in a place where I am fine to talk about it now, and have moved on, but i understand that this is not the case for many oher victims. It is amazing that the awareness is being raised... victims need to understand that there is help out there; not only for them to get immediate help, but also a help for their future to recover with help and also independently. I feel that I had to find my own ways to recover, but it would be great for others to have help, which I feel I could have benefited from. I hope other people will benefit from this new wider awareness initiative!

    Corrie - 10/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Corrie,

      Thank you so much for sharing your message of encouragement. I am really sorry that you went through this experience. You are right, different people may recover in different ways and need support at different times.

      Rape Crisis offer immediate and long term support for women and girls who have experienced any form of sexual violence.

      www.rapecrisis.org.uk 0808 802 9999

      Take Care,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 11/02/2014

  • Ellie

    10/02/2014

    I'm verry confused at the moment , I love my boyfriend and happy with him but a lot of the time I feel like I'm on edge like if I say or do anything wrong when I haven't done anything wrong, also a disagreement with a friend where she made up saying to my friends he makes me unhappy when I haven't said anything like that what's caused a spilt between me and a friend and I feel like he's making me choose I also get constly accused when I'm out if I'm with other boys when I'm with the girls it's also hard to make time for everyone and I feel like I'm in the wrong either way what I do it's tearing me up on the inside I can hardly cope

    Ellie - 10/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Ellie,

      Thanks for putting your message up. It must be confusing to feel that you love someone and at the same time on edge and worried.

      I am sorry that you have fallen out with your friend too. Is it possible that they were worried for you?

      You mention that your boyfriend accuses you of being with other boys when you are out with your girlfriends; surely it is up to you who you keep as friends boys or girls? You said you feel like your boyfriend is making you choose between him and your friends and I think you are right to be uncomfortable about this.

      I think it is a good idea to talk with someone who you trust about this. An adult friend or perhaps a ChildLine counsellor 0800 1111. You can also chat with an advisor here from 5pm-7pm Monday to Friday.

      Take Care,

      Brian

      This is Abuse team 11/02/2014

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Don't write everything in CAPS – it's the equivalent of shouting and isn't polite or easy for everyone to read.

Don't post entire messages in text speak – it's ok to shorten some words but not everyone understands text speak or finds it easy to read.

It's ok to post links to other websites as long as they're relevant to the "This Is Abuse" debate and don't break the house rules in any way.

Don't break copyright rules. This means that you shouldn't post text you didn't write.

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