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This is ABUSE

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Results: 225 - 240 of 2107

  • Anonymous

    26/02/2014

    I have been in a relationship for over 15 years married for 3 of those years and have 2 children. Im not sure if this is abuse or not. I suppose things started ok he was my childhood sweetheart after we bought a house things started to change our arguments no matter how silly always end up in my husband threatening to leave. I feel I cannot talk to him as he just shouts and gets angry if Im trying to talk to him about something he doesn't want to listen to which is pretty much everything he walks out leaving me very frustrated if I stand in his way and try to reason with him he pushes me out of his way. I half expect him to come back home in a better mood but its quite the opposite and I generally stay out of his way until he calms down which is sometimes days, then he just says can we forget about it. I have learned over the years best not to say anything until now my 1st child is nearly 6 and he talks to him terrible calls him stupid and degrades him of which I stand up to him and we end up arguing he tells our kids that mummy hates daddy and he is the victim I receive texs all day long about how Im the psycho and that ive always got a problem and how all this is my fault and nothing he does is wrong, I ignore most of them but I feel he keeps poking me until I react and I when I do Im crying and a bit hysterical I say how much he upsets me and this is destroying us I end up crying and this follows by him saying do something about it go on kick me out get a divorce. I suppose its come to the point where I dread coming home because I dont know what mood he is in. After our second child I became post natal depressed and was taking medication I made a mistake by telling him and now if we have an argument he says take 1 of your pills and blames an argument on my post natal depression. I ask him to do something around the house cook dinner bath kids and he either starts bashing cupboards and dishes or says hes too busy. What should I do... leave?

    Anonymous - 26/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Anonymous,
      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of courage to admit that things in your relationship are not right and reach out for help. There is support out there; you don’t have to cope on your own with these feelings.
      Your husband is being emotionally abusive to you and to your child. Threatening to leave you, blanking you, smashing cupboards and putting you down are all types of abuse and are not ok. What is happening is not your fault, it is your partner who is choosing to act in the way he is. I can hear how frightened you are of his moods and how he will act – walking on eggshells all the time must be very stressful for you when you have the responsibility of raising your children too.
      Do you have anyone in your life you trust? Friends or family or another trusted adult. If you cannot talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 hour domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to give you support and advice and help you decide how best to keep yourself safe. You can also look on this website www.womensaid.org.uk to find out more about domestic abuse and the support available to you in your local area.
      We also have a live chat available 5-7 weeknights if you would like some more support.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

  • Trevor

    26/02/2014

    I have been in a gay relationship with a guy named ...... He was very gentle and caring, we would always go out to meals and we were generally having a great relationship. Then came the abuse, it first started verbally and he would call me names, yell at me ect. Then one day he came home to find me and my brother ... eating together, he hit me. Help?

    Trevor - 26/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Trevor

      I am really sorry to hear about the abuse you are experiencing. It is really good that you are looking for support.
      The best place to go is: http://www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/ - they are the main organisation who support people experiencing abuse in same sex relationships.
      0300 999 5428 - this is their helpline but you can also email them and they have a live chat service.

      They will be able to give you some advice about staying safe and talk you though what your options are,
      I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 27/02/2014

  • almostnothere

    26/02/2014

    iv been in a relationship for 6 years. for the last few years my wife has been controlling & possesive. i noticed she had mood swings quite often and became irrational, loud, verbally abusive and at times breaking things or would go and spend money we never had. she took a lot of anger out on her daughter (who i see as my own) in turn she mimmicked this behaviour. school got involved as did CAMHS. once CAMHS got involved i got a rare chance to be out. i spilled my heart out about what was happening. they seemed really supportive and told me to go to the police and social services.
    so i did: after a couple of days social services old me it wasnt serious enough what was happening. but i told them the mental abuse has left our oldest daughter depressed and suicidal and at 10 that isnt healthy. she only has me to talk to. i dont tell her about my situation:that im locked in the house, not allowed anyone around, can answer my phone whilst she messages everyone on my contact list and facebook reguraly hoping to catch me out as i may have had an affair.
    after social services did nothing i got a call about my complaint to the police and told im best to leave it alone.
    because i had the courage and no one listend as i was a bloke i become homeless and the abuse escalated. i was better of homeless i enjoyed sleeping in alleys eventually ending in a hostel it was empowering. i found food on the floor at bus shelters which the kids had left. from a guy who once wore chistian laboutin trainers i was definateely in the deep end.

    anyway it was cold so i eventually had to go back plus i missed my kids. i had tasted freedom maybe i might have grown some balls to stand up to her a little. HAHAHA

    we had agreed no more kids some time ago. anyway one day she told me to have sex i tried to go to sleep. she got on top. i told her wait i need protection. she told me pull it out. when i was about to ejaculate i told her get off she forced herself down and continued i must have said this no less then 3/4 times. anyway it happened i rolled over praying she wouldnt get pregnant. we never had sex again for at least 6 months. she had fallen pregnant i told her i wasnt happy.but now i definatelly couldnt leave. although it might be rape or close ther about, i cant say anything as it'l fall on deaf ears once again.

    anyway the situation has only got worse and she continues to abuse our oldest daughter. our 2nd daughter who is 4 absolutely detesetes her and tell her i dont love you.
    things did improve a little and i was allowed to work with her friends husband. i saved up enough to get a car. but i was told to put it in her dads name. so i did although i paid for it and the receipt is in my name.
    often when we fight im locked out so i manage to sleep in the boot of the car. i will pull the back seats forward. the problem is she is not threatening to sell the car if she does il be back in alleys yes it was liberating as is sleping in the boot. at least in the boot of the car i have a asda smartprice duvet. but iv learnt to dress in layers just incase im given 10 seconds to get out before she cries rape or murder.

    my priority is my kids but i know social services wont do anything unless THEY can prove it. my word or even my sisters n dad who are both social workers has fallen on deaf ears. CAMHS i thought would at least interogate my daughter and get some information to find out if its true but they just de-referred her saying it was a differnt matter. id have thought a suicidal 10 year would have been a concern and least see what he says and see if she in danger. but i guess no one wants responsibility

    i really dont know what to do as the police say to me leave it its not a strong enough case as shes the woman. previously iv been suicidal but right now im trying to keep myself strong as i know if i die she wont be upset by it and the situation will only get worse. (one thing i told the police also whilst this all went on she would encourage/ tell me to commit suicide if i loved her)

    almostnothere - 26/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Almostnothere,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how distressed you are and how much you have sought support and not found it. You are in a very abusive relationship and it takes a lot of courage to post here.

      Your wife is being extremely abusive to you, emotionally, financially and sexually. It sounds like you have reached out to many services in the hope of getting some support but have felt that you have not been listened to. What you are going through is traumatic and you have had to show real strength to try to stop what is happening. None of this is your fault and you deserve some help.

      It sounds like you have spoken about the abuse to your family and to the police as well as social services. However you have not felt supported. Have you spoken to any specialist organisations for men who are being abused? I would encourage you to call the Men’s Advice line 0808 801 0327 0808 801 0327, they are a specialist organisation who work with male victims of domestic violence. It’s a confidential helpline where you can discuss your options and get some emotional support. They are open 9-5 weekdays and may be be to point you towards some support in your local area. There is help out there for male victims, it’s just not very well publicised.

      I have put a link here to a family law charity that may be able to give you some advice about the problems you are having with social services not taking your allegations seriously or taking care of your child’s mental health.

      http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

      Have you spoken to your GP about what you are experiencing? If you are feeling suicidal it may be worth discuss with them and what you’re going through in your relationship.
      Take Care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

  • Kat

    26/02/2014

    Hi! i was with my boyfriend for around 4 months, when one day, whilst my family were outside hosting a bbq right underneath my window, my boyfriend tried to encourage me into having sex, i didnt want to, but he began getting more frustrated the more i said no, but eventually he had 'sex' with me and as i was wearing a dress it made it easier for him, i repedtly asked him to stop, but he never until he thought a family member shouted on us! It wasnt until he left i realised how wrong what he did was, but having never had sex before i didnt let it grind me down too much, but over the next 12 months of our relationship, similar scenarios happened more and more until i eventually told him he was 'raping' me l, too which he laughed at. We split up around 6 months ago, and its affected me more than i thought it would, im very uncomfortable around guys my age now, and its affected my future relationship due to my lack of trust in not being treated the same way! my ex was very agressive and alot stronger than i am, and to this day i dont think he even realises what he did, and how harshly its affected me as a person! im not the girl i used to be, but i guess itll take time to get over!

    Kat - 26/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Kat

      That sounds like a really scary situation. You clearly told him you didn't want to have sex and wanted him to stop and by carrying on he was raping you.
      I know this is really hard, and it can take a very long time to come to terms with this and feel ready for a new relationship - that is totally normal. Remember that none of this was your fault. You just need some support to cope with this.
      The best place to start is with rape crisis - they are a lovely organisation and can really help:
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      0808 802 9999

      It may also help to talk to friends or family or someone else you trust about this, you don't have to try and cope alone,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 27/02/2014

  • Luna

    25/02/2014

    My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for two years. During these years we have times (roughly once/twice a month) where he loses his temper with me over really tiny ridiculous things. There is no controlling or financial problems or anything like that, just violence. I live at home with my mum and cant let her find out or she will take him away from me. Its very jeykl and hyde..one minute he is perfect, adoring and wonderful then he snaps and I argue back an often get punched/slapped/hair pulled/kicked. I try to defend myself and often hit him back which only makes it worse. This goes on for a few minutes. He then usually verbally abuses me and leaves. As soon as he has left my house he is full of regret and remorse and hates himself. He has been to the doctor and is currently talking to the RESPECT group to get help as he says he doesnt want to hurt me. Its a real struggle because sometimes months go by and its perfect. I don't know if it will ever stop but its the only thing in the way of a perfect relationship. help :(

    Luna - 25/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Luna,
      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of courage to admit that things in your relationship are not right and reach out for help. There is support out there, you don’t have to cope on your own with these feelings.
      From what you write it sounds like your boyfriend is being very violent with you frequently and putting you at risk. I understand that you care for him and that he is getting help, but this does not mean that it’s ok for him to treat you as he is. You don’t deserve to be abused, he is choosing to act the way he is.
      Have you spoken about this with anyone, I hear that you feel that you can’t tell your mum. But you might want to talk about what is happening with someone else. Do you have anyone in your life you trust? Friends or family or another trusted adult. If you cannot talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 hour domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to give you support and advice and help you decide how best to keep yourself safe.
      You say that it is the only thing in the way of a perfect relationship – but it’s a very big thing. He could seriously hurt you or kill you. The number above will be able to listen to you and discuss with your feelings and maybe some ways in which you can keep yourself safe in your relationship.
      We also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you want to discuss this more with one of our advisors.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 27/02/2014

  • Abby

    25/02/2014

    Hello, I just wanted to say my first and only love, totally got my trust etc, then as we moved in together, started putting knifes to me, slashing he's wrists smeering blood all over my face saying he hopes i remember this for the rest of my life, running into the toilets locking it for dear life while it stabbed it in with a sword, he was a psycho, i really loved he's nice side, and i always will..he'd cook for me, run me baths, buy me flowers, cuddle me all night every night, always take me out, etc, I just wish he was nasty from the beginning because I will always feel so strongly for him because it is my first love, I still cry about him, no matter how much i triedto escape no matter how much he'd strangle me, throw me outside the house naked, spit on me etc, I would still fall for that smile. I would still believe he'd never do it again; or I'd still love to believe it. I left last new year when he kept holding me hostage, so I thought the only way to break it off without getting messed up would be infront of he's mum... I still cry, because I really wish i would of left on better terms, it still haunts me that he'd laugh at putting knifes to me, making me sit in a corner in glass and slapping me up and all he's guy friends doing nothing about it... I love him, but ill hate what he done, I know I had a lucky escape, but my soul still crys.. ill be moving back to london soon, and I might have to see him. the last thing he said was he was going to kill me. he's got a girlfriend now, I feel sorry for her. I wish I never wasted such strong love , on such a wrong thug. now I find myself too generous to people, because I would never want all the stuff thats happened to me, to happen to them, but they'll never no, and when I try open up to men they'll never understand. I always get fear from love n run. I wish the right one will make me stay oneday, instead of that wrong one. I hope ill find love better, call me crazy, but the beginning was too beautiful, being thrown around the beach, being chased, thrown into a bath, having dinner with he's family.. but then now I always look out for how close men are to there mothers, she really messed him up. we'd be at the dinner table, and she'd smack him one over the chops and he'd whack he's head so hard on the wall I'd be gobsmacked in disgust, and I said 'ur mum just full blown hit u and u done nothing? ' and he laughed and said.. thats my mum, she can bring me in this world, she can take me out. and I said, im your girlfriend... the one you love, doesn't count for much does it. just be sooo careful ladies, because it still pains me and I hope i find a real man that understands me. if not I am happy with my dog alone forever.. I'd just love to be able tobelieve in a man being my gentlemen. -abs x

    Abby - 25/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Abs,
      Thank you for your message and sharing your story. You were in an extremely abusive relationship and I can hear how much this has effected you. You showed great courage and strength to get out of that relationship. It also shows strength to share your story with people reading the site
      What happened to you was very serious, your ex treated you in ways that were a risk to your life and to your wellbeing. I hear that you are still finding it hard to come to terms with the abuse and the two sides of his character. Have you discussed what happened to you with any professional services, such as counsellors or a helpline? If not this website (www.womensaid.org.uk) is a good place to start looking for support. It sounds like you have a lot you need to express about your feelings and the way you were treated.
      Thank you again for sharing your story,
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 27/02/2014

  • Sally

    25/02/2014

    I have a friend who's been in a relationship with a guy for a year or two. they're now engaged.
    they live together with they're 1 and a half year old son, and she's now pregnant with another baby girl.
    me and my friends have always thought he does not treat her right. i don't believe he is physically abusing her. but definitely emotionally. he puts her down, and he's controlling, even infront of us. we once saw him go through her handbag and diary while she was in the toilet when we were out. several of her friends including me have told her he's no good but she won't listen. i think she feels trapped and like (now more than ever) she can't leave him because of the kids/engagement. recently he's been posting relationship milestones, (they're engagement, the new baby, and the new baby's name) on facebook before telling her mum or her family. he does this not by mistake but gets annoyed at those questioning it, he ignores their importance and i think he's trying to muscle them out, to make her even more dependent on him. he's always been very controlling, and lies to her about things. i feel if i were to talk about it with her now that she'd tell him and he'd turn her against us. or if action were taken she might lose the kids. i've told her so many times that the way he treats her isn't right and that she doesn't have to stay with him. but she won't listen and i don't know what to do anymore.

    Sally - 25/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Sally,
      Thanks for your message. It sounds as though you’re in a really difficult position at the moment. It definitely seems as though there is a lot of control in this relationship as well as lack of trust for him to look through be belongings. Victims of domestic abuse can often feel trapped and their self-esteem can be so low that they think they there is nothing they can do and the thought of leaving is to frightening.
      It is important that you and her family continue to offer support and to be there for her and not force her into making any decisions or complain about her partner because like you say this could lead to him have more control over her by isolating her from her friends and family. You have already spoken in the past to her but you could try again and advise her that she can contact www.womensaid.org.uk for more information and advice.
      We have live chat sessions Mon-Fri 5-7pm if either of you wanted to talk.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 25/02/2014

  • anonymous

    24/02/2014

    I wasn't coping very well with my uncle's recent death,i was taking my anger out on my boyfriend so we had a break,that night I needed a friend to talk to,i went round to a family friend,he meant the world to us all. there has been an accusation that he had raped a 13 year old whom I knew,but him being a family friend for so long,we denied that he would do such a thing,we didn't want him to feel like we didn't believe him. when I went round,i spoke to him about how I was feeling,then he put my favourite film on,and we just lay ontop of his bed and just chilled out and watched it,he started making moves but everytime I pushed him away, he came back for more and just wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. I blacked out a lot,but I tend to do that when I get quite stressed. all I can remember is him not listening to me,coming out off a black out and my trousers were on the floor . he kept telling me he had always wanted to do it,that he couldn't help himself,he knew I am only 15,hes 20. I didn't know if it was rape,it haunted me for a week,i told my immediate family,and straight away they told me it was rape. rape? I had knew about rape, but never knew what it felt like, physically or emotionally. I have gone to the police,but because off the whole process they have to go through,its taking so long. I thought I would cope,ive previously suffered from depression,high anxiety, attempted suicide ,self harming and bulimia. with all this going on,i feel dirty,i feel like I shouldn't be on this earth. Because he only lives round the corner, from my mothers, ive practically been forced out of my own home,the house is up for sale and currently living with my father,im too scared to even go to see my mother. I know I need help,my anger is terrible,nightmares are keeping me up,its ruined me so much,i want to be able to get on with my life with my long term boyfriend and do the things ive always wanted to do without this haunting me to my death.

    anonymous - 24/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Anonymous,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how much you this has effected you and how hard it must have been to write all that down. It takes great courage to post here, you have been really strong. You don’t have to cope on your own with what you are going through, there is help out there.
      All the things you describe feeling in your message are really difficult emotions and are all very common reactions to being raped. You went through something extremely traumatic and you have had to move out of your house because of the risk of seeing him. That’s horrible for you, as what happened was not your fault and yet it might feel like you are the one that is being punished, because it’s your life that has been so badly affected.

      By the sounds of what you write you have been able to tell your family and friends and have gone to the police. It shows a lot of strength to report and rape, the process does take a long time and in a way may make things seem harder, as until there is a trial things cannot be dealt with properly.

      While all this is happening are you getting any support? If not I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis -They are confidential helpline and who work with women and girls who have experienced sexual violence. They will be able to talk with you about your experience and how this is affecting you. You can reach them on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9:30pm). The helpline is strictly confidential and they will understand all things you describe in your message.

      They may also be able to give you advice about what support may be available to you in your local area to support you through the legal process. I don’t know if you have spoken to an ISVA already, but if not you may be able to. I have put some information in a link below you may want to have a look at.

      http://www.hamptontrust.org.uk/our-programmes/isva/what-involved/

      Your feelings at the moment of being dirty and wanting to die and the flashbacks you are having are very serious. Have you spoken to your GP about them? You deserve to be supported right now to help you recover from the rape. Below are some links to look at. They may be a bit overwhelming if you read them all at once, so give yourself time to look at them where you are somewhere you feel safe.

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_rapeAndTheEffectsOfRape.pdf

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_postTraumaticStressDisorder.pdf

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_copingWithFlashbacks_forSurvivors.pdf

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_selfHarmAndSelfInjury.pdf

      If you would like some more support please contact us on live chat weeknights 5-7. You have been so strong coping with this on your own, you might now need someone to talk to.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 27/02/2014

  • Lucy

    24/02/2014

    My ex boyfriend would always hit me if I didn't listen to him or he would embarrass me in public. But I left him because my friends told me it was wrong and that he shouldn't be correcting me in that way. :) leaving Alfie is one of the best things in my life. I have a new boyfriend but it doesn't feel like love.. i mean we talk and that.. I've always loved him.. how do I know if he's cheating on me? Because there's a girl that always tries to interfere with our relationship & we used to e mates until I was in a relationship .. now we barely talk...All i know is that she doesn't want me in a relationship with that particular boy because she like's him. How can i prevent this from happening? we've been going out for quite a few months now and she's been getting in the way ever since. :(

    Lucy - 24/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lucy,

      Thanks for your message. Its sounds like you have a really good support network of people around you who have helped and supported in your past relationship. However it seems though your feeling very insecure about your new relationship, has your new partner given you any reason to suspect him cheating? Just because this girl is unhappy with your relationship doesn’t necessarily mean your partner is unhappy so he will cheat.

      I suggest you speak to your boyfriend about how you are feeling. Having a healthy relationship with someone means being able to be honest and feel loved, it also means that you trust each other. I would also recommend you contact www.womensaid.org.uk who can give you advice and support on the effects your previous relationship has had on you, as this could be your reason for feeling insecure.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 26/02/2014

  • Grainne

    24/02/2014

    I live with my parnter and about a month ago I tried to leave the house because I was in a mood and ge grabbed me by the arms and threw me over the sofa, there were bruises on my arms, two weeks about we were in another argument, I wound him up and he started throwing my clothes at me (because I was packing my bags) and he threw my phone and broke it ( I don't think he meant to break it) yesterday we had another argument and I was kneeling on the floor sorting clother out in the drawer and he kicked me in my side and I started crying, then he smacked me in my back with my shoe because I tried to leave and he told me if I leave I am never allowed back, I have been in a previous abusive relationship as well as my father hitting me and my current partner said he feels sorry for my ex for having to put up with me and that I'm always starting fights with men, I know it's my fault because I'm so hard to put up with when I live with someone, yesterday I thought about killing myself, i've been beaten by 5 men in 2 years and I'm so ashamed to tell anyone that the number is that high, I'm not a good person.

    Grainne - 24/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Grainne,

      Thanks you for getting in touch. It sounds like your partner is very abusive towards you both physically and emotionally. Please do not blame yourself or feel any shame in what is happening now or has happened in the past. Your partner is passing the blame of his actions on to you to justify what he is doing. Some people find themselves going from one abusive relationship to another so they are caught up in a cycle of abuse I am really concerned that you are having suicidal thoughts and I really would like you to think about contacting www.womensaid.org.uk or contact them on their freephone number 0808 2000 247 they can offer advice and support.

      I would also suggest you making an appointment with your GP who can refer you to a local counselling service.

      We also offer live chat sessions Mon- Fri 5-7pm if you would like to come and chat to an advisor.

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 26/02/2014

  • Gina

    24/02/2014

    Hello, I was seeing a lad a while back we had sex which I gave consent to but later on that night when I was asleep he had sex with me again when I awoke to him doing so I asked him to stop but he didn't, would this be a form of rape or not?

    Gina - 24/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Anon
      Thank you for contacting us. It must have taken a lot of courage to do so and it is a big relief to hear that you are now in a supportive and loving relationship. One of the problems with abuse, especially towards children and young people, is that the abusive person or people try and make it sound like it’s all about love. This is terribly confusing and as you can understand this confusion can last for a long time even after the abuse has stopped. Most definitely what you describe was abuse – using fear and threats towards a child are child abuse and taking or demanding images or acts from them is a crime. Being violated in this way can make it hard for you to manage trust and intimacy in future relationships which seems to be what you are struggling with. Having a supportive partner will help you overcome this.

      The symptoms you describe of flashbacks are a quite common reaction to abuse but can be extremely distressing and unpleasant. The good news is that they can be treated. Have you spoken to your GP about any of this? If you could talk to the GP they might be able to arrange some counselling for you which would give you strategies to manage the flashbacks (which may be like a type of post-traumatic stress reaction). All of what you are describing is a normal reaction to what you have experienced .Also if you call the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 they can also tell you about local services in your area that could offer support about the abuse in your previous relationships.

      You may be interested to know that there is now a national organsisation to support children and young people who are exposed to the sort of online abuse you experienced (www.ceop.police.uk ). Although it was unfortunately not available for you when you needed it looking at it may help normalise some of what happened and lessen the worries about whether how you feel is normal or not. It’s important for you to know that you are not at all responsible for anything that happened but equally that there are services out there that will be able to support you to recover from this.

      I hope this is of some help and that you can access the help you deserve and need

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 24/02/2014

    • Hello Gina

      Thanks for contacting us and I am sorry to hear that you have had this awful experience. In answer to your question, yes this would be seen as rape. Sex without your consent even if you have consented to sex with the same person previously is rape. What you experienced was a real violation as this ex-partner took advantage of you whilst asleep and without checking that this was something you were agreeable too. It’s important for you to know that none of this is your fault.

      Lots of people feel confused about what is and isn't rape but the law is clear that if consent is not given then this is rape. Trying to come to terms with this may be upsetting and difficult for you. It’s important that you have some sort of emotional support for yourself so if you are able to talk to your mum or perhaps a close friend this may help. You could also consider reporting what has happened to the police who have specialist units and trained officers to deal with these situations. Quite often when someone has been abused like you have you may find that you struggle to cope and come to terms with it. You could feel angry, distracted, tearful etc. Although these are normal reactions there is help available for you. One option would be to call Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999 or look at their website on www.rapecrisis.org.uk they can offer general advice as well as counselling. Your GP or local sexual health clinic could also talk to you and arrange some type of help too. All of these services are totally confidential.

      I hope that this helps as a starting point – remember the services are there to help and what has happened does not have to ruin the rest of your life so try and give them a call. I hope things work out

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 24/02/2014

  • Anonymous

    24/02/2014

    I am worried that my family is being abusive to me but I can't do anything about it.

    My Dad has an alcohol problem, he has a whole bottle of red wine every night and he makes his own beer so he moves on to that when he has finished the wine. He often takes my Mum's white wine as well even though he doesn't like it.

    He hasn't been physically abusive in years although once he pushed me into a wall and hit me with the door (not serious damage but it still hurt me) He is also threatening, he threatens to throw me out of the house, he has done it in the day time before but he threatens to kick me out at night. He also threatens to hit me.

    His drinking is getting worse, he is getting so drunk that he keeps dropping the wine glass and breaking it.

    Is there anything that I can do? I have tried asking him to stop but he just carries on.

    Anonymous - 24/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Anonymous,

      Thank you for getting in touch. I’m sorry to hear things are so difficult for you at the minute. Your Dad has a problem with alcohol and due to his excessive drinking he may not be fully aware of the upset he is causing. Have you spoken to anyone in your family about this? Or is there anyone you can trust to speak to?

      If not you could contact www.talktofrank.com or call them on 0800 77 66 00 (24hr helpline) they can give you advice on what services are available in your area.

      We also have live chat available Mon-Fri 5-7pm which you can come speak to an advisor for more advice.

      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 26/02/2014

  • Emma

    24/02/2014

    My ex boyfriend and I had sex and I consented, but it really hurt to the point where I was crying and I asked to stop but he carried on and said it was ok, was this abuse?

    Emma - 24/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi

      Yes, it's your right to stop sex at any point. By continuing when you had clearly shown that you didn't want to - this is rape.

      I know this is hard to hear and is very upsetting. Are you still with him? Has anything like this happened before? It is important to get some support - a really good place to start would be rape crisis - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      0808 802 9999
      you can also search for your nearest centre here: http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

      You may also want to think about talking to friend/family or someone else that you trust so you don't have to cope with this alone.

      We have a live chat every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk to us more,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 26/02/2014

  • michelle

    24/02/2014

    i have been with partner for 20 years we split last year and tried again last September now all I get is abuse verbally I have depression stress and anxiety and it is not helped by abuse from him and my two older kids that follow like sheeps I want him out but he does not listen what can I do?

    michelle - 24/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Michelle

      It must be incredibly hard and traumatic to have experienced abuse for so long. I also hear that your sons are now also starting to become like that.
      You can ring the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 to get advice and info about local services.

      You can also ring the rights of women helpline where a team of female lawyers who specialise in these cases can give you free and confidential advice. They can tell you about your options.
      http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php
      020 7251 6577

      You can also ring the police if you are scared and they can hep protect you. There are also different types of orders that you can get to protect yourself and to keep him away from you.

      I hope this helps, do try to get some support as you should not have to cope with this alone. You may also benefit from some counselling to help with the depression and anxiety http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100360002

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 26/02/2014

  • Anonymous

    24/02/2014

    I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for around 3 years. It was awful. Near the beginning of the relationship he was fine, a lovely genuine man, then after the birth of our 1st daughter, he started getting nasty. Near the beginning he would punch me in the arm and push me, but as soon as he realised it was leaving marks, he stopped. He then went onto emotionally torturing me for the following time in our relationship.
    He would make me feel useless and inadequate. I had no friends and no family. He would tell me how no one cared about me and how I deserved to be treat like dirt. I believed him, every word. He tore me about until I couldn't take it anymore.
    I am unsure, but I also think there may have been sexual abuse in the relationship too. I am unsure as to what rape actually is, but there were many times that we had sex and I didn't consent, however I didn't say no. I was scared, I couldn't say no because I knew he would be so nasty to me and it would have increased the abuse. I was also scared that if I said no, he would carry on. I knew that if that happened it would be rape, and I didn't want to live my life thinking I had been violated in such as way. I'd really be grateful on some information on this, as I know that I now struggle with interaction with anyone, especially anyone of the opposite sex. The last time it happened was around 9 months ago, but it still plays on my mind occasionally. And if it was rape, I'd be grateful to be pointed in the right direction for a little support, of ways which I may be able to speak about it, as I have ben asked before if anything like this happened, but I was too ashamed to admit it. I feel like this was my fault, as I was told not only by him, but also social services that it was my fault and I deserved it. I accepted it, but it still plays on my mind.
    I am lucky, I got away. He destroyed me mentally, leaving me depressed, suicidal, with no self esteem, and worst of all, my kids nearly lost their mum. I am recovering more and more every day, but their are still days that I struggle and when everything that happened plays on my mind. I try to forget it all, but it still creeps up when I'm stressed or down.

    Anonymous - 24/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      I am so glad you got in touch as it sounds like things have been really bad for a long time and you deserve and need some support.

      Emotional abuse can be just as traumatic as physical abuse but I want to reassure you that none of this is your fault. It is normal for abusers to make people think it is their victim's fault but the only person responsible is the abuser themselves.

      In terms of the sexual abuse, I know this is hard to hear but it does sound like rape.
      You do not have to say no to not consent to sex. You were clearly in fear of what would happen if you didn't go through with it and this means you were not able to consent.
      There is more info on this here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assault/consent

      The good news is there is a lot of support out there, a really good place to start would be rape crisis - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      0808 802 9999
      you can also search for your nearest centre here: http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

      Do you have any contact with him now? I know you have children together so I am wondering if you still see him? It is important to keep safe if so, and there are some tips on that here: http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/keeping-safe/

      I am also concerned that you have felt suicidal in the past, if you feel like this again it is really important to get help. You can contact the Samaritans anytime on: 08457 90 90 90

      It can take a long time to recover from abuse of any kind. Getting support is the first step. If you want to talk to us more you can come to our live chat sessions every mon-fri between 5-7pm.

      I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 26/02/2014

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